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Edition Centaurs Don't Eat Hay!


“The Titans”  Episode 7/10


Hesiod:  “So I cut off his head-- he falls forward.  But he’s
still standing.”


X:  “I want you to take care of the horse.”

G:  “Are you hungry?  Let’s get you a snack.”


Hesiod:  “Now, once we meet up with Creon and his men, we can
get down to some serious looting.”

X:  “There may be a change of plans.”

Hesiod:  “Xena-- Don’t you ever give up?”

X:  “On you, Hesiod?  No-- You’re special to me.”


Hesiod:  “Get her!”

X:  “Come on.”

Thugs:  “She can’t take all of us.”  “Get her!”  Come on!”


G:  “How about here?  Let me help you.”


Thug:  “Surround her!”

Hesiod:  “I said get off there!  I said get off!  So long,

Man:  “Come back here!  Bring back my horse, you thief!”

X:  “What have you been doing with my horse?”

G:  “You told me to take care of her.”

X:  “Well, you gave Hesiod a fine start.”

G:  “Sorry.”

X:  “Don’t be sorry, Gabrielle-- just improve.  Come on.”

G:  “Hey!”


Girl  [Repeats several times]:  “EfkarISto paraPOli.  ETsi kay
ETsi.  YAsoo kalaMEra.  YAsoo kalaNICta.  YAsoo kalaNOches!”

Phyleus:  “Try it once more, this time faster.”

Man:  “Faster, slower.  What difference does it make?  The chant
doesn’t work.  This is a waste of our time.  Let’s go.”

Phyleus:  “No, please!  It’s worth trying again.  You’re all
aware of the problems in our village.  If this can work, it may
solve everything.”

Man:  “But it doesn’t work.”

Phyleus:  “I think it will, if it’s read correctly.”

Man:  “She’s read it five different ways.  What could be the

G:  “Huh!  The rhythms.  I know this is really rude, but-- Well,
he’s right.  She’s not reading it correctly.  Well, that’s a
Dorian chant, and she’s using Ionian rhythms.  I-- I’ve made
quite a study of this.  Shall I try?  Hmm:

‘EfkarISto paRApoli.  Etsi kay etsi.  YAsoo kalamera.  YAsoo
kalanicta.  YAsoo kalanoches!’

You see, you just put the emphasis on the first syllable.”

Crias:  “Which one of you was the liberator of the Titans?”

Phyleus:  “This virgin.”

Crias:  “We honor you, oh sacred goddess.  Tell us your name, so
we may honor it as a holy word.”

G:  “Gabrielle.”

Crias:  “We are your servants.  Whatever you desire, we will
fulfill.  Give us your commands.”

G:  “All right.”



[Xena rides her horse]  X:  “Come on-- Ya!  Ya!”


Hesiod:  “Where are your men?”

Creon:  “They’re coming.  I rode ahead.  What’s the matter?
Somebody after you.”

Hesiod:  “Yeah.”

Creon:  “How many?”

Hesiod:  “One.”

Creon:  “One?!  What’s the problem?  There’s two of us!”

Hesiod:  “Because, that’s the one.”

Creon:  “I’ll take care of her.”

Hesiod:  “You let me walk out of here, or I cut his throat.”

X:  “All right, you got me.  Go ahead!  I’ll just sit here nice
and quiet.”

Innkeeper:  “What’re you gonna do with him?”

X:  “Let him learn a lesson.”

Innkeeper:  “Are you a bounty hunter?”

X:  “No, I just like seeing murdering thieves put where they

Creon’s thugs:  “Huh?  “Hey, what’s going on?”

Hesiod:  “Looks like the tide has turned, Xena, ha-ha-ha.”

Creon:  “Take her!”

Hesiod:  “No, no, no-- Let me go Xena.  Even I’m not worth
taking on a dozen men all on your own.”

G:  “She’s not on her own.”

Creon:  “You gonna smite us, little girl?”

G:  “No.  He is.  Disperse these ruffians!”

Creon’s thugs:  “Get off of me!”  “Run!”  “Out of my way!”
“Come on!”  “Hurry!”

G:  “They’re Titans.  They scared me at first, too, but--
they’re really very nice.  This is Xena! She’s my best friend!”

Crias:  “We honor all friends of the virgin goddess.”

G:  “You know-- I’d-- I’d rather you not tell everybody I’m a
virgin-- it’s kind of personal-- You know what I mean?”

Crias:  “Whatever you say, oh sacred one.”

Phyleus:  “Don’t be afraid.  The Titans are our friends.
They’re gonna help us with our problems.”

G:  “Yeah.  You!  Clear the well Phyleus told us about!  And,
wh-- what was the other thing?”

Phyleus:  “The dam needs to be fortified.”

G:  “Right-- the dam.  You!  Get some big boulders and plop them
down where they’ll do the most good!  Oh, and that road we
passed was covered with the mudslide.  You can do that-- after
the dam.  And then, I’ll see you-- when your chores are done.”

Theia:  “Yes, sacred one.”

G:  “Don’t tarry!  You don’t want to make the goddess cross, do

Hesiod:  “Goddess, hah!  She’s-- Oooh!”

Rhodos:  “On behalf of everyone here, let me extend the thanks
of our entire community.”

G:  “Think nothing of it-- I’m happy I could help out.”

X:  “May I speak with you for one moment, oh sacred one?”

G:  “Of course.”

Rhodos:  “Let’s give a cheer-- to the liberator of the Titans!”

[Townspeople cheer]


Hyperion:  “’Talk to you when you’re done with your chores?’
I’m Hyperion, sun Titan, lord of the skies!  Why am I playing in
the mud?  Titaness-- it’s been a long time in those rocks.”

Crias:  “The goddess said we’re to clear this road!”

Hyperion:  “I don’t believe she is a goddess.”

Crias:  “Of course she is-- she liberated us, didn’t she?  We
should do as we’re told.”

Theia:  “We’ll have time for this later.  Crias is right.  We
should do as the goddess desires.”

Hyperion:  “The goddess desires that we help humans.”

Crias:  “Well, that’s just fine with me.  I always liked them.”

Hyperion:  “I despise them.”

Theia:  “Well, the sacred one is obviously their friend.  We
best _not_ incur her wrath.  She may appear sweet, but, who
knows what destructive powers she may possess?”


G:  “Thank you.”

Man:  “This is for you.”

G:  “Please, please.  I’m not looking for worldly rewards.  I’ll
be satisfied if I can make your little community whole again--
with the help of the Titans, of course.  And I don’t plan to
stop here.  No.  I’m gonna take the Titans with me, throughout
the world-- solving mankind’s problems-- wherever we go.”

Phyleus:  “We could start a new era of peace and hope.”

G:  “Yes, and we’ll start by tearing down all the forts and

Hesiod:  [Laughs]

G:  “You’re amused.”

Hesiod:  “That one Titan, the one who wasn’t happy with you
ordering him around-- He didn’t seem like the peace and hope
type to me.”

G:  “Then, what are you saying?”

X:  “He’s saying that he recognizes a kindred spirit when he
sees one.  Maybe there’s a reason that the gods encased them in

G:  “No, you’re wrong.  I trust them, Xena.  You’re just being
too cynical.”

X:  “Do you realize the power you hold?”

G:  “Mmm, yes.”

X:  “It’s a big responsibility.”

Phyleus:  “She’s up to it.  She can do anything.”

X:  “How long do you think you can go on convincing them that
you’re a goddess?”

Phyleus:  “If anyone can do it, it’s her-- She has the aura of a

G:  “They’re back.”

X:  “You, watch him.”


G:  “Finished?  Well, uh, why don’t you take a rest for a while,
until I can think of what you should do next.”

Crias:  “Yes, oh holy one.”

G:  “Call me Gabrielle.  You can save the holy stuff for formal

Crias:  “Gabrielle, we’re hungry.”

G:  “Oh, of course.  You must be _starving_ after being entombed
for centuries.  You know, I’m sure that the villagers wouldn’t
mind if you shared with them.”

Hyperion:  “Share-- with the villagers?”

Theia:  “Shh.”

Hyperion:  “That’s not what we really had in mind.”

G:  “And what do you suggest?”

Hyperion:  “That you use your godly powers to create a feast for

G:  “My godly powers.  Um-- you know, I don’t use my powers in
that way.  I consider it showing off.”

Crias:  “We understand.  We’ll eat with the villagers.”

Hyperion:  “No!”

Theia:  “Shhh!”

Hyperion:  “I want the goddess to make some food appear.”

G:  “You know-- you had better be careful, ‘cause I might use my
powers all right, and you can be very sorry when I do.”

Theia:  “Of course, Hyperion didn’t mean anything by it.”

G:  “Well-- then I’ll let it pass.  But the next time--”

Hyperion:  “She’s _not_ a goddess!  How could I blow a goddess
down?  She’s a mere mortal.  And she was giving orders to
Titans-- lords of the Earth.  We’re gonna take all the food in
this village.   And nobody better get in our way.  And you--
come with us.”

X:  “No, she’s not going anywhere.”

Hyperion:  “Who-- are you?”

X:  “Let’s just say, I’m the sacred one’s protector.”

Hyperion:  “Protector?  You’re-- gonna protect her-- from us?”

X:  “If I have to.”

Hyperion:  [Laughs]



X:  “Come on, let’s get out of here!”

[Hyperion trashes the village]

Phyleus:  “We’ll be safe in here!”

X:  “Out!  Hurry, move!”

Phyleus:  “I’ve got an idea!  Follow me!”  

G:  “Hurry!”

Phyleus:  “Whoa!”

X:  “Why’s he leaving?”

Phyleus:  “The Titans won’t attack this temple.  It honors their
brother, Cronus.  This is holy ground for them, too.”


Hyperion:  “I believe Crias is still in love with you, Theia.”

Theia:  “He loves me as a friend should.”

Hyperion:  “Was it a friendly look you were giving her just now?
You never look at me like that.”

Crias:  “Where are you going?”

Hyperion:  “I want the woman warrior dead.  She stands between
us and the little goddess.  We still need her for the second
chant!  You do agree with that, don’t you?  Good.  Now, I’ll
leave you two alone to enjoy your-- friendship.”


Man:  “Help!”

Old Woman:  “Let us in, please!”

Young Woman:  “More homeless.  Come in-- Find a place wherever
you can.”

X:  “Better?”

Hyperion:  “Mortals!  I want the woman warrior.  Until I have
her, I will destroy every human I see.  Those who bring her to
me, I will make kings of the Earth.”

Blue Woman:  “Why don’t you just leave, and take her with you!”

Phyleus:  “When I discovered that chant, I thought I was gonna
bring back the golden age of man.  Instead, I’ve ruined the

G:  “How could you have known?  Saving the world is a very
attractive idea.”

Phyleus:  “It’s nice of you to say that, but there’s no way
around it.  It’s all my fault.”

G:  “No-- when they thought that I was still a goddess, I could
have done something to head this off.”

Phyleus:  “You’re such a noble spirit.”

Hesiod:  “You’re both a couple of idiots, if you ask me.”

G:  “If you wanna rough him up a little, Xena, I won’t be

Hesiod:  “Rough me up?  No, she doesn’t do that sort of stuff
anymore.  Right, Xena?  Ah, it’s a rotten pity, too.
Opportunity knocks, as we speak.  The old Xena would know what
to do.”

X:  “What do you mean by that?”

Hesiod:  “The Titans.  I mean, they’ll need an ally among the
humans.  They already know how formidable you are.  If you can’t
beat ‘em, join ‘em.  And, uh, if you need a lieutenant, I

Red Woman:  “No!”

X:  “What’s going on?”

Blue “Some of the village children went on a holy walk today
with one of our priests. They haven’t returned.”

Red Woman:  “And now the Titans must have got them.”

X:  “Guard this prisoner-- and be very careful, he’s a dangerous
man.  You-- you cause any trouble while I’m gone, and you’ll see
more of the old Xena than you ever wanted.”


Theia:  “What is it, Hyperion?”

Hyperion:  “Can’t you hear it?”

Theia:  “Oh, yes-- children.”

Hyperion:  “Human children.”


Priest:  “Now, come on, children, stick to the path.  We want to
be back to the village before sundown.  No dawdling.”

Girl:  “I’m scared!”

Priest:  “Look!  yhere’s nothing to w-w-worry about.  Ahhh!
Run!  Run, children!  Run for your lives!”


Crias:  “Hyperion!  What are you going to do?”

Hyperion:  “Kill them.”

Crias:  “Why?!”

Hyperion:  “I told those who were hiding in the temple that I
planned to destroy everything human until they gave us the
Warrior Woman.  I keep my word.”

Theia:  “But children, Hyperion, why children?”

Hyperion:  “Saves us trouble later on.”

Crias:  “No!  Get away from them!”

Theia:  “Stop it, you two!”

Hyperion:  “You dare to defy Hyperion, the sun Titan?!”

Crias:  “Yes!”

Hyperions:  “Then pay the consequences!”

[Crias and Hyperion fight]


Hesiod:  “He said he’d make you a king.  Give them Xena.
Listen-- you want to go up against a force like that?  Hey-- if
it’s Xena you’re afraid of, I can help.  Like she said-- I’m a
very dangerous man.”


X:  “Come on, kids!  Let’s get you out of here!  One at a time!
Run, now!”

Theia:  “No, please!  Hyperion, what have you done?”


X:  “Come on kids, get inside!”

Girl:  “Mommy!  Mommy, I’m home!”

Hesiod:  “Hold it!”

Man:  “What are you doing?!  She saved our children!”

Rhodos:  “We need to appease the Titans.  We can never beat

X:  “Hesiod!”

Hesiod:  “You’ve done the right thing!  Rhodos and I-- will take
her to the Titans-- and tell them-- that you helped us capture
her.  Woe to you who opposed us.”

X:  “Swine!”

Hesiod:  “Well, Xena-- you’ll soon be in good hands.”



Rhodos:  “Are we just gonna walk in there?”

Hesiod:  “Hey, remember-- pretty soon you’re gonna be King
Rhodos, huh?  It’s got a nice ring to it, huh?”

Rhodos:  “King Rhodos.”

Hesiod:  “You hear that, Xena?!  You’re making us royalty!
[Laughs]  Ah, we’re doing what you should have done, Xena.
We’re dealing with the Titans!  You should’ve listened to me,

Rhodos:  “You think they’ll let me have Sparta as my kingdom?”

Hesiod:  “Just Sparta?”

Rhodos:  “Maybe Sparta-- and Argos.”

Hesiod:  “Ah-- See-- now you’re thinking like a king.”

[Theia crying]

Hesiod:  “I’ll go and tell ‘em we’ve got her.  When I give a
yell, you bring her out.”

Rhodos:  “Right.”


Hesiod:  “Hello, there.  Hello.  My name-- is Hesiod-- and I
have some good news for you.  I’ve brought you the warrior

Hyperion:  “Where is she?”

Hesiod:  “Uh-- You’ll have her in a moment.  I-- I just wanna
make sure we’ve got a deal, here.  I don’t really expect you to
make me a king.  I, I just want to be your associate.  You’ll
find me invaluable.  I have no scruples whatsoever.”

Hyperion:  “Fine-- you sound like a useful ally.  I’ll take care
of you.  Now where is the woman?”

Hesiod:  “All right, Rhodos, bring her on!  Ah, this other guy
is definitely expendable, if you know what I mean.  I present to
you, Xena, the Warrior Princess!”

[Hyperion splats Hesiod and Rhodos]


Theia:  “We’d be better off!”

Hyperion:  “Theia, you have to stop talking this nonsense.

Theia:  “First you kill Crias; then you swat those two men out
there like they were flies!”

Hyperion:  “They were less than flies!  It’s done!  Can’t you
see, none of this will bring Crias back?!  I need your help.
Going against the gods will be next to impossible without you by
my side.  I depend on you so much.”

Theia:  “You shouldn’t have killed Crias!”

Hyperion:  “He was weak!  He liked humans.”

Theia:  “Maybe I do too!”

Hyperion:  “No, Theia!  They’re cowards and thieves, like those
two I just crushed!  Do you think any of them would ever have
mercy on us if they thought they could profit by our demise?!
We have to be _strong_, Theia.  The humans will only get in our
way in our war against the gods!”  

Theia:  “We’ll never win against the gods if you keep killing
your compatriots!”

Hyperion:  “He was one Titan!  Soon, we will awaken hundreds!”


Man:  “You betrayed someone who saved our children.  And now you
wanna bring us further disgrace by turning two more innocent
people over to the Titans.”

Blue Woman:  “The Titans are indestructible.  We have to get in
good with them.  Now, we’ve already given them the Warrior
Woman.  If we bring them these two, they might take mercy on

X:  “Wrong.”

G:  “Xena!”

Man:  “She’s back!”

Phyleus:  “She got away!”

G:  “After you’ve been around her for a while, you come to
expect these things.”

X:  “The Titans will have no mercy on any man.  The two men who
brought me to them--  they’re now just stains in the dirt-- and
it’s going to get worse.  There are hundreds of sleeping Titans
in the cavern.  Hyperion plans to awaken them all.”

Blue Woman:  “Forgive us, Xena.  Is there something we can do to


Man:  “We’re running out of materials.  I could go down to the
village and get some ropes and planks.”

Blue Woman:  “I’ll go with you.”  

X:  “Good.  Let’s all try and get some sleep.  We’ll finish this
when they return.”  

G:  “Xena, Phyleus has something to tell you.  He figured this
out while we were working.  He’s so brilliant!”

Phyleus:  “I couln’t have done it without you, Gabrielle.”

G:  “Oh, don’t be silly; I didn’t help that much.”

Phyleus:  “No, you supplied the inspiration!”

X:  “All right!  Let’s hear it.”

Phyleus:  “There’s another chant.  If said correctly, it might
turn them back into stone.  The chant is on a scroll underneath
the altar in the cavern.  It needs to be read by someone with a
proper understanding of Dorian rhythms.”

G:  “In other words, me.”

X:  “Forget it; too risky.”

G:  “I won’t be captured.  I’ll wait till their asleep, and then
I’ll sneak in.”

X:  “Forget it, Gabrielle!”

G:  “She has no respect for me.”

Phyleus:  “Hey, come on, let’s find somewhere to get some rest.”


X:  “Hey-- come on.   You ready?”

Phyleus:  “Is it time?”

X:  “Yeah.”

G:  “What’s the matter?”

X:  “Nothing, I just--”

G:  “Thought I did something without thinking?”

X:  “Well, if you did, it’s none of my business.”

G:  “Yeah, that’s right, it isn’t!”

X:  “Look, if this is about what I said before, I was tired.”

G:  “You think I’m just a kid.”

X:  “No I don’t.  I just don’t have time to convince you right
now.  We’ve got work to do.”


G:  “Hah!”

Theia:  “Hello, Gabrielle.”



Hyperion:  “I’m very pleased, Theia.”

Theia:  “Don’t be frightened, Gabrielle.  We’re not gonna hurt
you.  Right, Hyperion?”

Hyperion:  “Right, right, right.  Here it is.  Read it!”

G:  “What is it?”

Hyperion:  “Just read it.”

G:  “I don’t know this kind of language.”

Hyperion:  “You knew that language before.  Now, read it!”


Phyleus:  “She’s gone!”

X:  “She must be trying to prove herself to me.”

Man:  “It’s ready.”

X:  “Good.  If the Titans caught her, we could be facing
thousands by now.  On the bright side, if anyone can stall, it’s


G:  “Cronus was _furious_ as Zeus was trying to usurp his power.
So he called _all_ the Titans together in a great war council.
Atlas was appointed the field general, because he was the
_greatest_ warrior of all.”

Theia:  Hyperion would have made a much better choice.”

G:  “Oh, of course.”

Theia:  “Doesn’t she tell it well?”

Hyperion:  “Yeah.  Now, read the chant!”

G:  “Don’t you want to hear how Zeus got the thunderbolt?”

Theia:  “Yes.”

Hyperion:  “No.”

G:  “I was just about to get to Prometheus.”

Hyperion:  “I know all about Prometheus!  Just read it!”

G:  “OK, OK!”


X:  “Here we are.”


G:  “HeriTAH, HeriTAH, HeriTAH.  YAsoo HeriTAH.  CAli HeriTAH.”

Hyperion:  Read it again, this time, slower.

G:  “HeriTAH, HeriTAH, HeriTAH.  YAsoo HeriTAH.  CAli HeriTAH.”


X:  “Now get it into place.”


Hyperion:  “Read it again; this time put the emphasis on the
first syllable.  Read it!”

G:  “HERitah, HERitah, HERitah.  YAsoo HERitah.  CAli HeriTAH.
Maybe you’ve got the wrong chant.”

Hyperion:  “It’s the right chant!  If said correctly by a
virgin, it should release the other Titans!”

G:  “Well, there’s your problem.  I’m not a virgin anymore.”

Hyperion:  “You little harlot.”

Theia:  “What are you going to do?”

Hyperion:  “I’m gonna send her to Hades.”

Theia:  “No, Hyperion, you said you _wouldn’t_ hurt her.”

Hyperion:  “She’s useless to us now.”

Theia:  “Hyperion, please.”

Hyperion:  “You!”

G:  “Xena!”

X:  “Now!”

Theia:  “No!  Please don’t kill him!  Here-- it’s the chant that
will turn us back to stone.”

Hyperion:  “It has to be read by the same virgin who released
us-- It won’t work now.”

G:  “Yes, it will!  I deliberately mis-read that other chant.”

X:  “Gabrielle, this is the chant!  MuPOlita, MuPOlita.”

G:  “MuPOlita, MuPOlita.”

X:  “HAnia eRAklion.”

G:  “HAnia eRAklion.”

X:  “There’s a piece missing!”

G:  “There’s a piece-- missing!  These things are never easy.

Hyperion:  “Watch your friend die with all your hopes.”

X:  “Read!”

G:  “ELius MOtanis YAsoo, YAsoo.”


G:  “And Xena gave me the scroll _just_ in time-- She saved the
day-- as usual.”

Phyleus:  “She couldn’t have done it without you.”

G:  “You’re right.  You were almost my first.”

Phyleus:  “And you were almost mine.”

G:  “Are you ready?”

X:  “Will be, as soon as you answer one question.”

G:  “What’s that?”

X:  “Why did you risk your life by going into that cavern

G:  “I wanted to make up for what I did, so that you wouldn’t
hate me.”

X:  “For your information, I could never hate you.  Your heart’s
always in the right place.”

G:  “Even when I tried to rule the world with the Titans?”

X:  “Everybody makes mistakes.”

G:  “Well, what about when I got myself kidnapped so I could
stop a war.”

X:  “Hey, that took a lot of guts on your part.”

G:  “What about when I, I got your horse’s reins tangled?”

X:  “Look-- the point is, we’re friends.  And, we shouldn’t let
things like that come between us.  Come on.  Gabrielle?”

G:  “Yeah?”

X:  “Don’t you ever touch my horse again.”

G:  “Right.”

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