Whoosh! Online
Edition Come visit Phill's Page!


“Hooves and Harlots”  Episode 10/110


G:  “What do you think of this one?”

X:  “It’s lovely.  What’s it for?”

G:  “It’s a walking stick.  It’s very useful.  You can walk with
it; you can lean on it, if you need a rest.  And, you can kill
nasty little critters if you wanna lie down.  Yeah.  It’s got a
good feel.”

X:  “Let me look at this.  Hmm!  Not bad.”

G:  “Or, you could do that-- yeah!  What was that thing hanging
back there from the tree?”

X:  “No trespassing signs.  This is Amazon country.”

G:  “Amazon?  Do you think we’ll see any?”

X:  “Almost certainly.  Gabrielle.”

Terreis:  “You know the Amazon symbol of piece.”

X:  “We’d like safe passage through your hunting grounds.”

Terreis:  “My name is Terreis.  You know the Amazon ways, and
yet, you’re not one of us.  And you’re really not one of us.”

G:  “Hey, don’t judge a scroll by its paper.”

Ephiny:  “They invade our territory.  We should take them to see
Queen Melosa.”

Terreis:  “Ephiny is right; we have to let Melosa decide.  Don’t
worry-- She’s fair.”

G:  “Going to see the Amazon Queen-- This is fantastic.  I’m so
excited.  I wonder what she’s like?”


G:  “I want to read philosophy and learn about history and
science.  But they didn’t consider me a normal girl.”

Terreis:  “Philosophy and history are among the first things
taught to Amazon children.”

G:  “Really?”

Terreis:  “It _is_ a man’s world, Gabrielle-- Not because it
should be, but, because we let them have it.  It’s based on a
woman’s weakness.”

G:  “Yeah?”

Terreis:  “The Amazon world is based on truth and a woman’s
individual strength.”

G:  “Well, I’m all for that.  I’ve always considered myself a
single-minded person.  Of course, if I got married I’d have to
ask my husband if that was OK-- That was a joke.”


X:  “Something about me you find interesting?”

Ephiny:  “Yes.”

X:  “Wanna tell me?”

Ephiny:  “No.”

X:  “Then stop staring at me, before I take your eyes out.

G:  “What is it?”

Terreis:  “Amazons, retreat, to the trees.”

G:  “Terreis!”

X:  “Don’t try to move her.  Gabrielle-- I’ll check to see if
it’s clear.”

Ephiny:  “Terreis!”

Terreis:  “You tried to save me.”

G:  “Don’t talk-- just keep your strength.”

Terreis:  “What you did, only an Amazon would do for another
Amazon.  I want you to take my right of caste.”

Ephiny:  “Terreis!”

Terreis:  “Please!”

G:  “OK, I’ll take it.  Just, don’t, don’t--”



Amazons:  “Hail, Melosa!  Victory for Queen Melosa!”

G:  “What are they doing?”

X:  “They’re going to send Terreis to Artemis, the moon goddess.”

Melosa:  “I’m Queen Melosa.  I’m told you tried to save my
sister.  For that, I thank you.  You have safe passage through my
land, but you must go quickly; we may be at war soon.”

G:  “At war?  With who?  Who attacked us?”

Phantes:  “Get your hands off me!”

Ephiny:  “Animal!”

Phantes:  “Hands off, witch!”

X:  “Centaurs.”

G:  “What, what’s the matter?”

X:  “Let’s just say, they’re no friends of mine.”

Ephiny:  “These were his.  I brought him down as he was escaping
across the river.”

Phantes:  “You would never have caught me in the open field.”

Ephiny:  “I did catch you, on our land.”

Melosa:  “You’re Phantes, aren’t you?”

Phantes:  “What?  How did you--?”

Melosa:  “I make it a point to know my enemies.  You have until
the end of our mourning period to make your peace with the gods.”

Phantes:  “Make peace with your own gods.  Do you think my people
will allow you to kill the son of Tyldus?”

Melosa:  “Take him away.”

X:  “What problems do you have with Centaurs?”

Melosa:  “Disgusting animals.  You know how they are?  Near the
river, there’s a village of Centaurs and men.  They want our
hunting areas.  And now they’ve gone too far.  You should go.”


G:  “Now, what did you mean by, ‘I’m not a friend of the

X:  “A long time ago, my army fought the Centaurs.”

G:  “Yeah, well, I guess they wouldn’t be your friends if you
defeated them in battle.”

X:  “I fought them-- I never defeated them.  Stay here.”

Ephiny:  “Gabrielle?  You didn’t tell your friend about the right
of caste, did you?”


X:  “Did you kill Terreis?”

Phantes:  “Terreis?  The Amazon had a name, did she?”

X:  “Did you kill her?”

Phantes:  “Would you believe me if I said I didn’t.”

X:  “I find it hard to believe that the son of Tyldus is a

Phantes:  “Maybe it wasn’t murder.  Maybe it was the opening of a
war that should have happened a long time ago.”

X:  “Well, if it was, it was a pretty stupid way to begin it.
Only one death?  And to get captured so easily.  Centaurs aren’t
known for their stupidity.”

Phantes:  “Amazons aren’t known for asking questions.”

X:  “I’m not an Amazon.”

Phantes:  “If it looks like a hydra, and moves like a hydra, it’s
a hydra.”

X:  “Did you kill her?”

Phantes:  “I’d kill ‘em all if I could.  And maybe I’ll get my
chance, if my father can still muster the courage for battle.”


Melosa:  “I appreciate your coming here for this discussion,

Krykus:  “I do it only in the interests of peace.  You should
know I have men at the Centaur village right now-- telling them
the same thing I’m telling you.”

Melosa:  “And that would be?”

Krykus:  “I have no interest in this little war of yours.  If it
happens, don’t expect me to act as an enemy, or an ally.”

Melosa:  “That’s all I care to know.”

Krykus:  “Oh, and I would offer my condolences on the murder of
you sister, but--”

Melosa:  “But, I wouldn’t believe it anyway.”

Krykus:  “Tor.”

Melosa:  “That was the warlord, Krykus.  He hates us only
slightly less than the Centaurs.”

X:  “Melosa, don’t let this war happen.  You can stop it now
before it gets out of hand.”  

Melosa:  “I have no intention of going to war.  That’s up to the
Centaurs.  I intend to execute a murderer.  If they take it to
the next step, we’ll be prepared.”

X:  “You’re going to get your people killed.  I fought the
Centaurs; I know what they can do.”

Melosa:  “The famous battle of Corinth-- yes, we’ve heard of it.
And we’ve heard of you, Xena.  To some of us, you’re a hero.  A
true Amazon at the head of the mightiest army the world has

X:  “And yet, the Centaurs fought my army to a standstill.
Tyldus was their leader.  Executing his son is certain to bring
about a war.  I don’t believe Phantes killed your sister.”

Melosa:  “Is that so?  What do you intend to do about it?”

X:  “I’m going to talk to Tyldus.”

Melosa:  “This was Terreis’ sword.  According to Amazon custom,
it will burn throughout the night during our mourning period.  It
will be used to execute her murderer.  That execution takes place
at noon tomorrow.”


G:  “It sounds like the Centaurs have been asking for it.”

X:  “Only fools and profiteers ask for war, Gabrielle.  Centaurs
are neither.”

G:  “Yeah, but he killed Terreis.”

X:  “Someone killed Terreis-- I’m not sure it was Phantes.  I’m
going to speak to his father.  This is probably the safest place
for you to be.  The Amazons will protect you because of Terreis.
Besides, I’m sure Tyldus still considers me an enemy.”

G:  “Good luck.”

Ephiny:  “Gabrielle.”

G:  “So are we going to talk about this right of caste thing?”

Melosa:  “With her dying wish, Terreis bestowed all her rights
and possessions to you-- and her position.”

G:  “Wait.  You mean, I’m an Amazon?”

Melosa:  “Terreis was my true sister-- the next in the royal
line.  You’re an Amazon Princess.  Make sure she’s taught.”



Tyldus:  “Hold your fire!  Corinth is a long time in the past,
Xena.  What brings you to my present?”

Celano:  “Tyldus!  Mesas can’t breathe!”

X:  “You know me, Tyldus-- You know I can help him.”

Tyldus:  “Why would you want to help a Centaur?”

X:  “Because he’s dead without it.”

Tyldus:  “If he dies, you die.”

Mesas:  “I, I can’t feel my chest.”

X:  “That’s the point-- I’ve blocked off the nervers.  I’ll take
that--  Very nice.  The rib’s pressing against the lung-- it
didn’t penetrate, though.  Get me a needle and some leather
twine-- now.”


G:  “This can’t be mine.”

Magdelus:  “Everything that was Terreis’ is yours.”

G:  “But, it makes me feel strange-- wearing her clothes and

Magdelus:  “It’s an honor-- to deny it would degrade her memory.

G:  “What kind of a person was she?”

Magdelus:  “Terreis was an Amazon in the purest sense.”

Eponin:  “She would have made a good leader one day.”

Magdelus:  “And she didn’t think that all men and centaurs were
evil.  Just misguided.”

G:  “’It’s a man’s world.  Not because it should be, but because
we let them have it.’  Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

Ephiny:  “Come, now.”

G:  “I’m sorry, you _must_ have me mistaken for a pet.”

Ephiny:  “Would you come with me?”

G:  “That’s better.”

Ephiny:  “From birth, every Amazon is taught to use weapons.
Pick your first weapon.”

G:  “No, I don’t like swords.  Can’t hit the side of a Cyclops
with a bow and arrow.  Ahh, what’s this?”

Ephiny:  “That’s a fighting staff.  Eponin.”


Tyldus:  “They have my only son.  Am I supposed to just stand by
and let him be executed?”

X:  “No.  I’m asking you to give me time.  He has until noon
tomorrow.  Give me that.”

Tyldus:  “Why am I to trust you?  At one time we would have
rejoiced in each other’s blood.”

X:  “Look inside yourself for that answer.  Are you still the
same Centaur I met at Corinth?”

Tyldus:  “You killed a half of my Centaur army.  My friends.  My
son will not die for something he didn’t do.  He’s not a
murderer.  I desperately want to avoid war, but I’m gonna get him
back.  And I swear, if he dies, every Amazon will suffer at my

X:  “I don’t believe he killed that girl.  But whoever did wants
this war.  You’re playing into his hands.”

Tyldus:  “Just before noon tomorrow, my army attacks.  You can
go, Xena, but don’t come back.  You and I are still enemies, and
I’ll kill you if I have to.”


G:  “Ah.  Show me, show me that again.  Ow!  Never say die; just,
just one more time, one more time.”

Ephiny:  “Report?”

Eponin:  “She’s not bad-- a little rough.”

G:  “I’m getting the idea, though.  You know, it’s pretty fun
when it’s working-- huh.”

Ephiny:  “Fun?  This fighting staff was my first weapon.  My
mother passed it on to me.  It saved my life more than once.
Centaurs have certain strengths and weaknesses.  They’re fast and
agile.  We use that to our advantage.  As a centaur passes at
full gallop, the staff goes here, to crack the knee at the joint.
This splits the leg forward and drops him to the ground.  As the
centaur falls, a strike to the lower shoulder dislocates the two
front legs.  Once the centaur is on the ground, an overhead
strike-- breaks the neck.  Death is immediate-- if they’re lucky.
Still fun?”


Ephiny:  “Planning on taking a trip?”

Phantes:  “How did you get in here without me hearing you?  I
wouldn’t have left, you know?  Not until I’d killed everyone in
this village.”

Ephiny:  “You talk big, even for a Centaur.”

Phantes:  “What would you know about Centaurs?  You despise us--
You spit on us.”

Ephiny:  “I had a friend who admired the Centaurs.  She didn’t
see you for the beasts you really are.  She felt that one day, we
would work together.  She thought you were brave and noble

Phantes:  “Well, if your friend likes Centaurs so much, where is
she now?”

Ephiny:  “You killed her.”

Phantes:  “I didn’t.”

Ephiny:  “She also told me that Centaurs have a high sense of
honor.  Is that true?  Could you swear on your father’s name?”

Phantes:  “I swear on the name of Tyldus the Great, I didn’t kill
your friend-- Not that the oath of a Centaur means anything.”

Ephiny:  “Not to many.”


X:  “Don’t be stupid, Ephiny.”



X:  “Let’s go-- come on!  The trees.  Come on!”


Ephiny:  “You sure you’re not an Amazon?  Very few people know
that escape.”

X:  “Why are you following me?”

Ephiny:  “I’m not.  We were attacked here.  I just came to take
another look at it.  You saved me, and you saved him.  Why?”  

X:  “Because the moment an Amazon or a Centaur kills the other,
the war can’t be stopped.  That hasn’t happened yet.”

Ephiny:  “But, Terreis was killed.”

X:  “By Krykus, the warlord.  He gains everything from this war--
follow me.  This is where the attacker was hidden.  There are
hoofprints everywhere.  Here’s your proof it wasn’t a Centaur.
It was someone on horseback.”

Ephiny:  “That’s right.  This is filled with raw hay stalks.
Centaurs don’t eat hay.”

X:  “Actually, I was referring to the hoofprints.  Centaurs carry
their weight on their front hooves.”

Ephiny:  “That’s just as good.  But how did Krykus know that
Phantes was going to be across the river?”

X:  “We’re going to find out, and we’d better do it quick.
Phantes is set to die at noon.”


Eponin:  “Time to dance, Princess.”

G:  “I’m really, really bad at this.  No, no; no, no-- I have two
left feet, facing backwards.  No, they wouldn’t let me dance at
the crop festival because I brought a bad harvest.  No, no!

Melosa:  “Bring the princess!  Up here, Gabrielle.  Before the
sun is high overhead, we will have welcomed a new member to the
Amazon nation-- Gabrielle-- as the right of caste of Terreis.
Now that the mourning period has ended for our sister, the sword
of Terreis becomes hers.  Tomorrow, the murderer of our sister
will meet his justice.  The sentence is death; death by the sword
of the murdered.”

G:  “What?”

Melosa:  “When Terreis gave you her right of caste, she made you
her avenger.  You have to carry out the sentence with her sword.”

G:  “I can’t kill someone.”

Melosa:  “You’re an Amazon, Gabrielle.  To refuse would be
treason, and your own death.  The sentence will be carried out at


Krykus:  “I take it Melosa has sent the Warrior Princess to try
and talk me into an alliance.”

X:  “Maybe-- would an alliance interest you?”

Krykus:  “Not really.  If they wipe themselves out, I could care
less.  A battle between the hooves and the harlots-- I wonder
who’d win.”

X:  “That’s easy-- Any warlord who’d use this opportunity to take
more territory.”

Krykus:  [Laughs]


Ephiny:  “Centaur arrows.”


X:  “This map hardly has a mention of the Centaur territory-- or
the Amazon’s.  Did you have it drawn up before or after the

Krykus:  “It’s a contingency map-- I like to be prepared for any

X:  “Well, this eventuality has you as absolute ruler of the

Krykus:  “Don’t play games with me.  You think I murdered that
harlot, don’t you?”

X:  “Well, I don’t think _you_ murdered her.  I think you
arranged it.”

Krykus:  “If my men tried to cross those hills, they’d be killed
by both sides.  How could I have arranged anything?”

X:  “Nice dagger-- do you give them out as gifts?”

Krykus:  “Guards!”

X:  “What did you find?”

Ephiny:  “Centaur arrows-- like the ones that killed Terreis.”

Tor:  “This way!”

X:  “Come on.”

Tor:  “I’ll get some men to go after them.”

Krykus:  “No, let them go.  There’s no way this war can be
stopped now.  Tell the men to rest-- we take to the field
tomorrow.  After they’ve battled each other.”


Melosa:  “By Amazon law, you must pay for your crime.”

Phantes:  “Amazon law means nothing to me.”

Melosa:  “Our law also allows you to speak before the sentence is
carried out.”

Phantes:  “I have nothing to say.”

Melosa:  “Very well.”

Phantes:  “I’m sorry your sister died.”

Melosa:  “Quickly, in the heart-- don’t let him suffer.”

G:  “I can’t.”

Melosa:  “This is justice-- it must be done.”

Amazons:  “Kill the beast!”  “Death to the Centaurs!”  “It’s
justice!”  “Justice!”

Phantes:  “I don’t want to die-- please.”

X:  “Phantes is not the murderer.”

Amazon:  “What?”

G:  “Thank the gods.”

X:  “We have proof.  What’s this?”

G:  “I’m an Amazon Princess?”

X:  “Great.  The proof’s in the pouch.  We found this where we
were attacked.  It has hay sprouts in it.  Centaurs don’t eat

G:  “Don’t eat-- Ohh!  Thank you!  Thank you very much!

Melosa:  “Proves nothing.  The execution will proceed.  Eponin.”

X:  “Queen Melosa, I demand the challenge.”

Amazon:  “She’d challenge our Queen?”

X:  “The royal challenge must be honored.”

Melosa:  “Only when it is made by someone of royal Amazon blood.”

G:  “I demand the challenge.”

Melosa:  “You?”

G:  “I’m an Amazon Princess-- you can’t deny me.”

Melosa:  “Gabrielle-- Do you wanna fight me to the death?”

G:  “Not really.”

Ephiny:  “You made the challenge, Gabrielle.  You have to follow
through.  Choose your weapon, or, choose your champion.”

G:  “Choose my champion?  I pick Xena.”

Melosa:  “If you lose, you all die.  You too, Ephiny.  It
shouldn’t be a problem.”

G:  “We gotta come up with some hand signals or something.”

Ephiny:  “Melosa fights low-- she goes for the knees.  She’s got
a blind side that’s on her right.  But she’s quick.”

G:  “Don’t you think she knows what she’s doing?  You haven’t
seen her fight.  Now, I have seen her fight-- a lot.”

Ephiny:  “She’s annoying; how have you put up with her?”

G:  “Hey, she puts up with me fine.”

X:  “If I lose, make sure Gabrielle gets out of her.”

Melosa:  “Choose your weapon, Xena.”

X:  “Cho-boes.”

G:  “OK, now you won’t lose.  Remember that her blind side is on
the right.  Never mind.”

[Xena and Melosa fight-- Various Amazons cheer throughout]

X:  “Don’t fight me to the death, Melosa-- I need your help.”

Ephiny:  “There will be no execution, by order of our new Queen.”



Tyldus:  “We’ll talk with your Queen!  I should have known you
would end up leading them.  We finally get the chance to settle
an old score.”

X:  “You wanna settle it, Tyldus?  Very well.  You’ve won.  You
won a long time ago, Tyldus.  You said that I taught you the
meaning of war.  You taught me that greatness doesn’t depend on
fighting.  It’s the battles you choose and the people you
protect.  You’ve got no enemies here, Tyldus.”

Tyldus:  “Son!”

Phantes:  “Xena saved my life, father.  I think I realize what
you’ve been trying to tell me about war.  I’ve also realized
something about these Amazons.  They aren’t our enemies.”

X:  “No, but Krykus is.  He started all this.  Isn’ that right,

Celano:  “What are you talking about?”

X:  “You knew Phantes was going into Amazon territory.  You knew
you could frame him.”

Celano:  “Any of us could have known that.”

X:  “And then there’s this.  No, it’s not yours-- I took it from
Krykus.  He gave you yours, didn’t he?”

Tyldus:  “Arben.”

X:  “Let him go.  He’s running back to Krykus, the true enemy.”

Melosa:  “Krykus must be brought to justice.  I demand it, in the
name of my sister.”

Tyldus:  “Our forces together can take them by surprise.”

Phantes:  “Amazon, wanna go for a ride?”


Krykus:  “Tor.  Have the men clean their weapons and assemble--”

Celano:  Krykus!  They’re coming!”

Krykus:  “Who’s that?”

Celano:  “Get your weapons!”

Tor:  “Looks like Celano.”

Celano:  “Get your men ready!  They’re on their way!  Hooves and
harlots are together!  They’re on the move!  They want your

Krykus:  “What’s he talking about?”



Sold:  “Die, Amazon!  I’ll break your heart and neck!”

Krykus:  “You’ve got nowhere to go now.”

Melosa:  “You killed my sister.”


X:  “Melosa.”

Melosa:  “No.  You have to stand trial, for your crimes against
the Amazons _and_ the Centaurs.”


Melosa:  “It’s not gonna be an easy peace, but it’s a good

X:  “Making war is simple-- making peace is never easy.  If it
was, everyone would do it.”

Tyldus:  “Old enemies, new friends.  You gave me back my son--
I’ll never forget that.”

G:  “--made it to the Mystic fortress.  I, of course, was holding
them off to give her the time that she needed.  I was just
telling them the Morpheus story.”

Phantes:  “And the Trakus story, the Titans, Pandora-- she knows
them by heart, and she loves to tell ‘em.”

Ephiny:  “Now, I see why you ride the horse.”

G:  “Now, what’s that supposed to mean?”

Ephiny:  “Eponin?  This is yours.”

G:  “I can’t take this.  Your mother gave it to you.”

Ephiny:  “An Amazon Princess doesn’t refuse a gift from another
Amazon.  Please-- I want you to carry it.”


G:  “Are you mad at me because I didn’t tell you about the right
of caste?”

X:  “No, not mad.”

G:  “Oh.  I just thought it would be great to be an Amazon.  I
didn’t realize what it meant.  But, I’ve learned my lesson.
Everything I  know, you know.  From now on, no more secrets.”

X:  “We’ll see how long that lasts.”

G:  “Huh.  You know, I just thought of something.  You’re a
Warrior Princess, and I’m an Amazon Princess.  That’s gonna make
such a great story.  Yeah, and it all starts with you and me
finding those signs in the trees.  And then, Xena, hey, wait.
And then the arrows came flying down.”

Click here to return to the HOOVES AND HARLOTSpage.

Guide Table of ContentsBack to Whoosh!