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“Warrior... Princess”  Episode 15/115

X:  “I’m here to see-- the king-- thanks.”


Sold:  “She was a cute one-- Quickly!”


Tesa:  “Are you all right?”  

X:  “I’m fine, I’m-- What are you doing?” 

Tesa:  “I just thought you might wanna cover your costume.”  

X:  “What’s wrong with my costume?”  

Tesa:  “Nothing, of course.”  

X:  “I’m here to see the king.”  

Tesa:  “He’s in his bedroom.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you
were to visit him there.”

X:  “In his bedroom.  Hmmm-- I don’t think so.  Can you ask him
to come to me?”  

Tesa:  “Of course-- Your wish is my command.”

X:  “Your wish is my command.”

King:  “It would,ve been nice to interrogate him.  He’s headed
west-- Go after him.”

Sold:  “Yes, Sire.”

King:  “You’re a formidable young woman.” 

X:  “What’s going on here?”  

K:  “Ye-- gods above!  This is remarkable!  I’m sorry-- Where do
I start?”  

X:  “Try explaining who ordered that man to attack me.”  

King:  “I wish I knew.  I’ve sent for you because I need you to
save someone’s life.”  

X:  “I am not a hired sword at the disposal of those who can
afford to pay.”  

King:  “But, what about those who need you?  This attempt on
your life was meant for my little girl.”

Diana:  “You wanted to see me, Papa?”

King:  “May I present my daughter.”

King:  “May I present my daughter, Diana:  Princess of Treus
(sp?), and heir to my throne.  My dear, this is Xena:  Warrior

Diana:  “Amazing.  It’s like looking in a mirror-- before I’ve
brushed my hair.”  

King:  “Uh, Diana, could you leave Xena and me alone for

Diana:  “Oh, but Papa!”  

King:  “Diana-- please.”  

Diana:  “Huh!”

King:  “I didn’t want to talk about the attempts on her life in
front of her.  She’s upset enough as it is.  And now, perhaps,
you understand the earlier confrontation.”  

X:  “I was mistaken for her.”  

King:  “I heard from my cousin, Sisyphus, of the remarkable
resemblance you bore to my daughter.  Um, when I heard you were
in the area, I thought it was fated that you help us.”  

X:  “There are plenty of people out there who could use my
help-- And they don’t live in castles surrounded by guards.”

Soldier:  “Sir-- The assassin has escaped.”  

King:  “As you see, our guards are not doing well.  Somehow, the
assassins get past them.  This is the second attempt on Diana’s

X:  “I sympathize...”  

King:  “I’m told that, of late, you have become a fighter for
justice.  Now, what is more just than putting the slave-traders
out of business?”  

X:  “What are you talking about?”  

King:  “Diana is to marry Mineus of Libarium (sp?) the day after
tomorrow.  Now, when Diana and Mineus are married, the two
kingdoms will be united under our constitution.  Our laws
strictly forbid slavery.”  

X:  “I bet that doesn’t sit too well with the rich slave-traders
of Liberium.”  

King:  “This wedding is her chance at happiness, and this is
being threatened by the greed of slave-traders.  As a king, and
as a father, I implore your help.”  

X:  “So, you want me to masquerade as the princess.”  

King:  “Just until the wedding.”  

X:  “She’ll have to go into hiding outside the castle.”  

King:  “No, no, I couldn’t possibly allow that.  She hasn’t left
this castle since her mother was killed.”  

X:  “Even better-- No one will know who she is.  Look, the
people who are trying to kill your daughter will be looking for
her here.  Someone inside the castle is working with the
slavers.  This is where the danger is.”

X:  “Name?”  

King:  “Tesa.”

X/D:  “Ah, Tesa-- I’m sorry if I was a bit curt with you before.
I wanted you to like my costume-- It’s for a ball we’re having
after the wedding.”  

Tesa:  “Oh, your Highness, that’s a wonderful costume for a
ball.  I didn’t understand what it was for.  Would you like to
have croesus (sp?) tonight?”

X/D [Aside]:  “Croesus?”  King [Aside]:  “_________ delicacy.”  

X/D:  “Yes, I love Croesus.”  

Tesa:  “And quail’s eggs for breakfast?”  

X/D:  “Fine.”  Tesa:  “Akhbash now?”  

X/D:  “Definitely.”

X/D:  “Well, I’m famished-- A few bites of Akhbash is just what
I need.”  

Tesa:  “Excuse me, your Highness?  You want to eat Akhbash?”  

X/D:  “Oh, yeah-- Just joking.”


X:  “Who’s here from Liberium?”  

D:  “Only my fiance’’s brother, Philemon.  He negotiated the
terms of the marriage.  I’m supposed to meet my future husband
later on today when he arrives.”  

X:  “You mean, you have never met your husband-to-be.”  

D:  “No.”  

X:  “That’s good.”  

D:  “Unless you have to spend the rest of your life with him.
But I’m optimistic-- If he’s anything like his brother, that’d
be wonderful!”  

X:  “So, you like this Philemon.”  

D:  “Oh, yes, he’s brave and noble, with sky-blue eyes and
fawn-colored hair.  So, how do I look?  This seems too big.  A

X:  “Hay, be careful with that.  It’s not a piece of jewelry;
it’s a weapon.”  

D:  “Ooooh, How does it work?”  

X:  “You throw it.  Leave it there-- It looks great on you.”  

D:  “I was just trying to give it some color-- It seems so
awfully dark.”  

X:  “Well, you have to convince people that you’re me, and I
like dark.  Now, stand up straight.  Push your shoulders back.
Plant your feet, like this.  Well, it’s a start.”  

D:  “Thank you for risking your life for me.  This experience--
pretending to be you, I mean-- It’ll be good for me.  I’ll be
among the little people, learning of their concerns.”  

X:  “Well, the first thing you should learn is not to call them
little people.  Meet my friend, Gabrielle, on the north road.
Give her this-- She’ll take care of you.”  

D:  “No, that’s the front.”  

X:  “Oh-- Thanks.”


X:  “I suppose this would qualify as fawn hair-- Tsk  Let’s see
if you have sky-blue eyes.”  

Phil:  “Your Highness-- Did you see them?”  

X/D:  “No, no-- You scared them all away, Philemon.”  

Phil:  “I should have been by your side, your-- Highness.”  

X/D:  “Well, it was a lovely thought.”  

Phil:  “Thank you.  Lucky I was early.  Remember, you wanted to
take a walk with me?  But, since there was another attempt,
maybe we shouldn’t.”  

X:  “No, no-- I feel very safe with you.  I’d like to take a
walk around the whole castle, if it’s possible.”  

Phil:  “Of course-- This way.”

X/D:  “And your brother, is he like you?”  

Phil:  “You always ask me that, and I always tell you the same
thing.  He’s a gentleman and a scholar.  I am merely a

X/D:  “Well, tell me again how you feel about your kingdom
freeing the slaves.”  

Phil:  “You know how I feel-- It will mae me very proud of

X/D:  “And your brother?”  

Phil:  “You know he believes strongly in emancipation.  Why are
you asking me these questions?”  

X/D:  “Well, my father thinks it’s the pro-slave faction who’s
trying to kill me.”  

Phil:  “I assure you.  All the Liberium contingent coming here
today support emancipation of the slaves.  We would free them
right now, if it weren’t for the ancient bylaws.  Everything
will work out fine.  My brother is marrying a beautiful,
intelligent woman, whose face and smile light a room brighter
than sunlight.  And when he hears you play the harp.”  

X/D:  “The harp?”  

Phil:  “His heart will break as mine broke; and he will feel
about you as I do.”  

X/D:  “And, how’s that?”  

Phil:  “That this is the best possible marriage for him.  Shall
we?  I don’t suppose you know them, do you?”  

X/D:  “No, I don’t.”  

Phil:  “Stay behind me-- This could get ugly.”

X[Aside]:  “You have no idea.”

Phil:  “Don’t worry, Princess-- I can handle this.”

Phil:  “Your Highness, you’re running the wrong way!”

Bad guy:  “Hey, hey, fellas, wait for me!”

X/D:  “Ah, here.  Hold here and press down hard.  It’ll stop the
bleeding.  You were so brave.


G:  “The woe of hearts long dead
Pounds soundly in my head.
For a Warrior Princess lives
In a world of broken--
Broken-- bives? mives? sieves?  Broken sieves-- It could work.
Could you please move?  You’re blockig my sunlight.”  

Bad guy:  “I’ll gladly return the sun, for a price.”  

G:  “Sunlight is free from the gods.”  

Bad guy:  “Not from me.  Give me your purse.”  

G:  “Listen, you really don’t want to do this.  It could prove
to be dangersous to your health.”

G:  “Xena!  Xena!”

Bad guy:  “You look good for a gold piece or twenty.”

D/X:  “Papa, Papa!”

G:  “OK, I just wish you would give me some warning when you’re
going to test me  like that.”  

D:  “Gabrielle?”  

G:  “Yes?  Are you all right?  What happened at the castle?  So,
you’re Princess Diana-- who just happens to look exactly like
Xena?  Hah!  It’s test day, isn’t it?  Well, you’re gonna have
to do better than that.”  

D:  “You mean, you don’t believe I’m Princess Diana?”  

G:  “Hmmm, not for a minute.”  

D:  “But you’ve got to.  I can’t pretend to be Xena without
you’re giving me a few pointers.  I haven’t been out of the
castle in years.  I got lost three times on the way here, and
I’m missing my father already.  And now, you don’t even believe
I’m me.  You think I’m Xena.  Well, I can’t be Xena, ‘Cause, I’m
_not_ Xena!”  

G:  “You’re not Xena.”  

D:  “No, I’m Princess Diana.”  

G:  “My goodness, the resemblance is amazing.  I’m honored to
meet you, Princess.”  

D:  “I don’t think you should be doing that.  I’m not me,

G:  “Right.”  

D:  “Tell me what to do to be a convincing Xena.”  

G:  “Well, for starters, stop crying.”  

D:  “Right-- I’ll stop.  I’m trying.”


Tesa:  “Princess, you have to get ready for the reception.  Your
husband-to-be has arrived.”  

X/D:  “Oh, goody!”


Tesa:  “832, 833, 834, 835, 836.”  

X/D:  “How much longer?”  

Tesa:  “The usual, your Highness-- A full 1000 strokes.  You
wanna look your best for Mineus.”  

X/D:  “My hair has never looked so good.  It doesn’t need
anymore brushing.”  

Tesa:  “Only 200 more to go.”  

X/D:  “I tell you what, uh--  We’ll do 1200 strokes tomorrow to
make up for it.”

King:  “Philemon told me of the latest assassination attempt.”  

X:  “Yes-- I went back later to follow their tracks.  When they
ran away, they didn’t go out the gates.  They entered the
castle.  Someone inside-- someone with a lot of control over who
comes and goes around here-- is working with them.”  

King:  “Most disturbing-- We have a traitor in our midst.
Mineus, my future son-in-law, has arrived, and the banquet in
his honor is due to start soon.”  

X:  “I’m ready to meet him.  What’s wrong?”  

King:  “I could excuse you by saying the princess has been taken
ill.  This is a very dangerous test of your believability as
Diana.  The banquet will be full of people who have known Diana
since childhood.”  

X:  “That’s exactly where I wanna be.  One of them might be the
traitor.  Don’t worry, I’ll handle it.”


Man:  “Greetings, your Highness.”  

Woman:  “Greetings, your Highness.”

Mineus:  “She’s attractive enough, but her courtsey is
abominable.  You said her manners are impeccable.”  

Phil:  “They were until now.”

X:  “Who’s the walking gem-mine?”  

King:  “That’s Glauce, my ambassador to Liberium.”  

X:  “Looks like a used chariot salesman.  You’re paying him too

King:  “Liberians like to give gifts to visitors.  Some of them
are very wealthy.”  

X:  “Like the slave-traders?  Who’s he talking to?”  

King:  “Bromeus, my top general.  They’re both above suspicion.
Glauce has obeyed my instructions perfectly in arranging this
entire marriage.  He hasn’t got an evil spot in his whole body.”  

X:  “Now, come on-- We’ve all got that evil spot somewhere.”

Servant:  “Your Majesty and royal guests;  dinner is served.”

Glauce:  “To the most beautiful bride under Zeus’s sun.”  

Man:  “Here, here.”  

Phil:  “It’s beautiful.”  

X/D:  “I have a toast:  To the end of slavery in Liberium.”  

Phil et al:  “End of slavery.”

X/D:  “To the end of corruption in our kingdoms.”  

Glauce et al:  “To the end of corruption.”

X/D:  “Death to traitors in our midst... Did I do that right,

King:  “Perfectly, just as I told you.  Although I think you may
have overreacted a little on the last one.  Bring on the feast.”

Mineus:  “Now, I have a toast:  To my wife-to-be.  I understand
that you’re  an accomplished musician.”  

X/D:  “No, not really, no.”  

Phil:  “She’s an artist on the harp.”

Glauce:  “Let’s hear the princess play.”  

King:  “I am very hungry.”  

Phil:  “Please Diana, play for us.”  

X/D:  “As you wish.”

King:  “It appears the strings have been strung too tightly.
Maybe another day.”


D:  “833, 834, 835, 836.”  

G:  “I think that’s plenty.”  

D:  “Really?  It looks so flat and dull.”  

G:  “Uh-- Horses’ tails are supposed to be flat and dull.”

D:  “Why are you throwing those rags on the soil?”  

G:  “It’s gonna be dark soon; I think we should get some sleep.”  

D:  “I agree, but why are you putting those r-- We’re sleeping
on the ground?”  

G:  “That’s what Xena does.”  

D:  “Boy, I sure am hungry.  I could eat a whole pickled croesus
on my own.”  

G:  “Couldn’t we all?  Um, I’m not much of a hunter-- Not like
Xena.  You’ll have to make do with this.”  

D:  “What is it?”  

G:  “Cheese.”  

D:  “I’ve got some dinars.  We could go out to an inn and get
some real food.”  

G:  “Just try the cheese; it may not be as bad as you think.”  

D:  “What?”  

G:  “You may look like Xena, but you’re nothing alike.”  

D:  “Philemon thinks that I’m a delicate flower-- Far too frail
to eat bread and cheese and endure a night under the stars.  Did
I ever tell you that I haven’t been outside the castle walls but

G:  “More times than you’ve actually been outside the castle

D:  This experience will enrich me, and allow me to better rule
my kingdom.  Yes!  At last, I am one of the little-- the
ordinary people.  And when I’m Queen, I won’t be locked away in
my castle.  No, I will go out to my people, and, and I will
share their simple joys.  And, and I’ll know their hearts.”

D:  “Aaaah!  Who is that horrible little man?”  

G:  “He’s one of the ordinary people, whose simple joy you
wanted to share.”  

D:  “Oh.”

Man:  “Hello.  Do, do you have any extra crumbs for a starving
man and his family?”

D/X:  “Starving?  There’s no one starving in my-- in this

Man:  “Whatever you say, Miss.”

G:  “Wait.  I think you could use this more than us.”  

Man:  “Oh, thank you, thank you.”

D/X:  “You said you had a family.  Where are they?”  

Man:  “It’s all right!  That’s them.  We’re gonna stay in the
woods until I find some work.  

D/X:  “Oh.”


X/D:  “Philemon, what are you doing here?”  

Phil:  “Care for some fruit?  What have you done with Princess
Diana?  Where have you taken her?”

X:  “Her father sent her away for her own safety.  How did you

Phil:  “Lots of things-- Like, just now, when I tossed you that
orange.  Diana can’t catch.  I first became suspicious when you
tended my bloody nose.  The princess faints at the sight of
blood.  Who are you?”  

X:  “My name is Xena.”  

Phil:  “Xena?  Amazing.  Do you know who’s behind the attacks?”  

X:  “Whoever stands to gain the most from her murder-- Maybe

Phil:  “I would never harm her.  She is the most magnificent
creature ever to walk the earth.  Her smile is daylight itself.
Her, her voice is sweet as a siren’s song.”  

X:  “How long have you been in love with her?”  

Phil:  “From the first day I laid eyes on her.”  


Phil:  “How does it work?”  

X:  “Like this.”


X:  “It’s sizzlin’ tonight, don’t you think?”  

Assassin:  “Who are you?  You, you’re not the princess.”  

X:  You got that right, Plato.  Now, why are you trying to kill
her?  Your blood flow has stopped.  And you’re doomed to die a
painful death, unless you tell me who your contact inside is.”  

Ass:  “It was the king’s general, Bromeus.  It was him who hired


King:  “Why?  Why Bromeus?  He’s always been my loyal Marshall
General, as was his father before him.”  

X:  “Maybe the slave-traders got to him with a bribe.”

Glauce:  “I understand you suspect Bromeus to have something to
do with the treachery.”  

King:  “As terrible as it seems, it appears he’s involved.”  

Glauce:  “How sad.”

Glauce:  “He killed himself rather than deal with the disgrace
of being found out as a traitor.”  

King:  “With the leader of the conspiracy dead, the danger is
over.  I’m gonna get Diana.  Thank you, Xena.”

Glauce:  “Xena-- That explains a lot.  I’m talking about the
harp incident, of course.  I join the king in extending our
gratitude for saving the princess.  Cut him down.”


Phil:  “When she returns, the wedding will go as planned.”  

X:  “Only if you let it.  Tell Diana you love her.”  

Phil:  “My brother is first-born.  Diana is rightfully his.”  

X:  “Diana belongs to no one but herself, and the sooner you
both realize that, the better off your kingdoms will be.”


Man:  “Thank you, Xena, for buying this food.  It’s the first
good meal we’ve had in a while.”

D/X:  “I assure you, that all the corruption which has stopped
royal aid getting to the poor will come to an end.  I know the
king personally.  He’ll hear about this.”

Girl1:  “Thank you, Xena.  What’s this?”  

D/X:  This?  It’s my round killing thing.”  

G:  “Chakram.”  

D/X:  “Bless you.  I use it to fight evil.”  

Girl1:  “Tell us about it.”  

D/X:  Well, like the time when I had to kill a lot of centaurs.
Not centaurs, uh, I mean, Cyclops.  Hundreds of them.  I took
care of them all with my trusty round thing.”  

Girl1:  “Show us how it works.”

G:  “Would you like a piece of bread?”  

D/X:  “All right.  See that tree over there?”

G:  “No!”

Girl1:  “Good shot!”


D:  “I’m telling you, Papa, they have nothing.  I listened to
them.  Bromeus wasn’t the only corrupt official in our midst.
We have to make sure that the charity intended for the poor
actually gets to them.”

X:  “I take it your journey among the ‘little people’ was

D:  “You were right.  They’re not little at all.  They’re grand
and they’re warm, and, and they deserve so much more from us.”

King:  “We can discuss all this later.  You have a future
husband to meet.”

Phil:  “Welcome home, your Highness.  My brother looks forward
to his introduction.”

D:  “Arise, Philemon.  We’re soon to be family.”

G:  “Nice place.  A girl could get used to this.”

X:  “Well, don’t.  We’re leaving here as soon as I can get out
of this outfit.”

G:  “I like it.”

X:  “We’re going to be in Corinth by nightfall.  I can’t wait to
get my stuff back from Diana.”

Glauce:  “With Xena out of the way, killing Diana will be easy.”


Mineus:  “When the wedding vows take place, it’s, um, all
official, correct?”

Phil:  “Yes.”

Mineus:  “Good, good.”

Phil:  “You think you can love her?’

Mineus:  “Who?”

Phil:  “Diana-- Who do you think?”

Mineus:  “Oh, Diana?  Love her?  I don’t know-- We’ll see.”

Phil:  “If it’s all right with you, I’ll head back home right
after the wedding.  You’ll want to be alone with your bride, and
there’s nothing really left for me to do.”

Mineus:  “Whatever.”

Sold:  “Excuse me, sir, we had to borrow this chair from your
room.  If you’ll allow me, I’ll return it now.”

Mineus:  “Certainly.”

Phil:  “What did you need the chair for?”

Sold:  “To stand on when we cut down that swine who hung

Phil:  “There was nothing to stand on in his room.”

Sold:  “No, sir.  Not a thing.”


Phil:  “He had to have been murdered, your Highness.  There was
nothing for him to stand on to hang himself.”

X/D:  “What can this mean?”

Phil:  “The conspiracy has not yet been crushed.  Your life is
still in danger.  The wedding must be cancelled.”

X/D:  “No!  No, we can’t let these terrors stop us from doing
what’s right.  Go find Xena.  Bring her back.”

Phil:  “I can’t leave you alone.”

X/D:  “Please, Philemon, do as I ask.  I’m asking you from my


Glauce:  “We’ll kill two birds with one stone.”


Tesa:  “Your Highness looks beautiful.”

Lady-in-Waiting:  “The princess’ veil.”


Mineus:  “Glauce-- Well-- All your negotiations are about to
reach fruition.”

Glauce:  “You’re not nervous, are you?”

Mineus:  “Why should I be nervous?”

Glauce:  “It’s your wedding day.”

Mineus:  “Oh!  Well, yes.”

Glauce:  “Here’s where you will crown your bride and join our
kingdoms-- for better or for worse.”


Phil:  “Xena!”

D/X:  “What is it?”

Phil:  “It’s urgent you return to the castle.  Bromeus was
murdered-- obviously, by other conspirators.  The princess is
still in danger.”

G:  “I’ll just uh-- uh, don’t mind me-- I’m fine.”


Glauce:  “She is a tribute to you, your Highness.”

Mineus:  “_This_ is who I’m marrying?”

Glauce:  “It’s the Warrior Princess, which means Diana’s
someplace else-- probably unprotected.  Let’s go.

X/D:  “Didn’t anybody ever tell you it’s rude to leave before
the cake’s cut.”

Mineus:  “I don’t know if this is the best time, but, uh, I’m
not marrying this-- woman.”


D/X:  “Whoa, Argo.”

Phil:  “Xena, what are you doing?  We must hurry.”

D/X:  “There’s something that’s been bothering me.”

Phil:  “What?”

D/X:  Did you tell Diana you love her?”

Phil:  “How can you think about that now?  Her life is in

D/X:  “She’ll be fine-- This is much more important.”

Phil:  “More important than her life.”

D/X:  “Did you tell her?”

Phil:  “No.”

D/X:  “Why not?”

Phil:  “Because I don’t think she loves me.”

D/X:  That’s not true-- I do.”

Phil:  “Diana.”

D/D:  “Philemon.”


G:  “It’s so romantic, isn’t it?”

X:  “Very.”  

G:  “I hope I find someone who’ll make me smile like that.”

X:  “I’m sure you will.  Just don’t be afraid to speak up when
it happens.  Of course, that’s never been a problem with you,
has it?”

G:  “She’s so beautiful-- Look how her hair shines.”

X:  “Well, they sure brush it enough.”

G:  “Wait till you see Argo’s tail.  What was it like being

X:  “Not as much fun as you would think.”

G:  “Really?”

X:  “Mm-Hmm.”

G:  “You had people waiting on you hand and foot, fulfilling
your every whim.”

X:  “Hey, that’s what you’re here for.”

G:  You had all the riches a person could desire, and you didn’t
enjoy that.”

X:  “It’s just not me.  Oooh!  Thank you.  Try one of these--
they’re incredible.  We had them for dessert every night.  I
didn’t say I _couldn’t_ get used to it.  Thank you.”

Servant:  “But I-- Excuse me.”

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