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TRANSCRIPTION OF
THE GREATER GOOD



“The Greater Good”  Episode 21/121

[TEASER]

G:  “Hah!  Hmm?  Wanna try it again?  OK.  Hah!”

X:  [Whistles]

G:  “Uh-oh.  I hate it when you do that.  I have to practice.”

X:  “Not on my horse.  I wish the two of you would just get
along.”

G:  “It’s not like we’re at constant war or anything.  Argo
doesn’t like me.”

X:  “Sometimes you have to have patience with things that annoy
you.”

G:  “Oh, I never said she annoyed me.”

X:  “I wasn’t talking to you.”

G:  “Oh, funny-- very, very funny.”

X:  “There’s a road on the other side of those trees.  I’ll meet
you there; bring Argo.”

G:  “You go on.  We’ll catch up.”

X:  “Be nice.  Make sure the saddle’s tight.”

G:  “Make sure the saddle’s tight?  Hmm.”

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Girl:  “Hey!  Are you Xena?”

X:  “Yes.”

Girl:  “Thank the gods.  [BURP]  Sorry.  Talmadeus is trying to
take Lord Seltzer.  He’s attacking the factory.  You have to
save him.”

X:  “Calm down.  Who’s Lord Seltzer?”

Girl:  “He’s the most wonderfu, giving, unselfish man the gods
ever sent to our valley.”

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G:  “Hey-- this is good.  See, I knew we could get along.”

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Girl:  “Please.”

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G:  “Xena will be so surprised.”

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X:  [Whistles]

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G:  “You stupid, conniving, four-foot daughter of a-- mare?!”

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X:  “All right.”

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Lieutenant [Lt]:  “We have him!  Talmadeus will reward us all
tonight.  You see-- he wanted your head by nightfall.  It’s
gonna be the centerpiece on his dinner table.”

Salmoneus [S]:  “Wouldn’t he like a nice bunch of flowers,
instead?  Orchids are lovely this time of year.  And I look
terrible with an apple in my mouth.”

Lt:  “Burn it down!  Swords!”

[Fight]

S:  “Xena!  Oh, Xena!  A little help here!  Important person
being kidnapped!  Hello!”

X:  [Whistles]

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[ACT I]

S:  “To make this work, we have orders for this water.  We need
back-up--”

G:  “You know what this is?  It’s water-- fizzy water.  He’s
making money selling water.”

X:  “Salmoneus!”

S:  “Ix-nay on the Almoneus-Say.  Here, I’m known as ‘Lord
Seltzer.’”

X:  “Salmoneus--”

S:  “Shh!”

X:  “Why is Talmadeus after you?”

S:  “He’s after my secret elixir.  You see, when I came to this
town, the people had no zip, no energy.  I mean, let’s face it--
their get up and go just kind of lay there and Ptthhh!  But
after my magic elixir, they felt better.  Productivity went up;
living conditions improved.”

X:  “What did you sell to Talmadeus?”

S:  “Me?  I never sold!  I-- all right, one little transaction.
I, I-- I sold him some, ah-- [clears throat] talcamite swords
and belt buckles.”

G:  “What’s talcamite?”

X:  “It looks and feels like metal-- until it gets wet, and then
it dissolves.”

S:  “Well, how did I know it was gonna rain on the big battle?!
Anyway, the swords and belt buckles melted.”

G:  “One big, naked defeat?”

S:  “It wasn’t pretty.  He’s not gonna stop until he has me
drawn and quartered.  You’ve gotta get me out of here-- please.”

X:  “We’re not leaving these people at the mercy of Talmadeus;
he’ll kill them all.”

S:  “Xena, please.  Oww!  Gorney!  Watch that water pressure,
will ya?!  If you want something done right, you gotta buy the
right people.”

G:  “How does he manage to do that?  Stay alive.  He must have a
guardian Moray or something.  OK, so-- what’s the plan?”

X:  “The plan is to make Talmadeus realize what he’s up
against.”

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Lt:  “Lord Talmadeus.”

Talmadeus [T]:  “Where is Salmoneus?”

Lt:  “We had him at his factory when this-- this woman showed
up.  She fought with the strength of Ares and the speed of
Hermes.”

T:  “Xena!”

Sold:  [Screams]

T:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  I must have Salmoneus.”

Lt:  “Is that wise?  I mean, with Xena in the picture.  What if
she wants Salmoneus, too?”

T:  “This man’s blood is mine, not Xena’s.  He made defeat out
of certain victory; he made a fool of my army; he made a fool of
me!  If I have to go through a dozen Xena’s to get my hands on
his scrawny neck, I will!”

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Lt:  “Stay in formation!  Keep your eyes open!”

Sold:  “Yes, sir.”

Lt:  [Yells; fight ensues]

T:  “Xena!”

G:  “Something’s wrong.  What’s happening?  No!”

T:  “I’m the man who killed Xena!”

G:  “OK.”

X:  “Go, Argo.

G:  “Go!  Go!  Go!”

T:  “Did you see that?  I had her.  I _had_ her.”

Lt:  “Maybe it’s a trap.”

T:  “No-- I saw the fear in her eyes.  She’s run for her life.”

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G:  “This was really a stupid time to try to keep something from
me.”

X:  “I didn’t know how much Talmic poison was on the dart.”

G:  “It doesn’t matter.  If there was even a chance of your
being sick, you should’ve told me.  You could’ve gotten killed!”

X:  “Gabrielle-- yell at me later.”

G:  “How bad is it?”

X:  “I still don’t know.  My legs are almost useless.  I can’t
feel my feet.  My arms’ll probably go next.”

G:  “You’re gonna pull through-- right?  I mean-- it’s not--”

X:  “It’s gonna get worse before it gets better.”

S:  “OK-- I’ve been thinking about things, and I’ve made some
decisions.”

G:  “You have?”

X:  “Yes.  Somebody has to take charge.  Someone has to have the
initiative to get us out of this mess.  Somebody has to take
command.  Now-- any ideas where we can find this person-- huh?”

G:  “We’ve got the person.  Xena’s gonna be all right.”

S:  “Yeah, I know that; you know that; but, Talmadeus has a
different slant on the thing.  He thinks you are-- well, the way
you are.”

X:  “Then, we’ll just have to convince him that I’m OK.”

S:  “Uh-huh-- and you propose to do that exactly how?”

G:  “Oh, no.”  

[Gabrielle dresses]

G:  “So-- what do you think?”

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[ACT II]

G:  “OK, so it’s a little big.  Uh-- well, tighten it for me.”

X:  “Talmadeus is sure to attack us, and when he does, we’ll be
ready.  When Gabrielle makes her appearance as me, it should be
enough.”

G:  “So, I just stand there and I-- I-- wave this fake chakram--
and give that yell-thingy of yours.”

S:  “And can you give that yell-thingy?”

G:  “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”

S:  “This is not gonna fool Talmadeus.”

G:  “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”

S:  “See, now that could work!”

X:  “Salmoneus, go round up your workers-- we don’t have much
time.”

S:  “Done.”

X:  “Come here.  Now, Gabrielle, listen carefully.  Now, I know
you’ve been in battles before, but this one is different.  I
want you riding in and out of there quickly.”

G:  “Riding?  That would mean Argo.  No-- she doesn’t like me.”

X:  “She doesn’t hate you.  I thought you had a pony when you
were young.”

G:  “I did.  His name was Tympani.”

X:  “Did you leave Tympani with your sister?”

G:  “No-- actually-- he got very sick one day, and-- why, I
thought he would get better, but-- it’s just what happens with
things that you love.  Sometimes they just leave you.”

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G:  “Yes, it’s me.  Now look.  We have to call a truce, OK?  All
right, now you-- stand back.  The gallop whistle.  [Whistles]
Argo!”

S:  “Yeah-- see, I must have a different definition for the
word, uh, gallop.  I thought the whistle was this-- [Whistles].

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Sargeant:  “How certain are we that Xena isn’t going to
interfere?”

Lt:  “Ah!  You saw what happened.  Talmadeus defeated her.
Hah-hah!  She’s probably half-way to Athens by now.”

Sargeant:  “What’s that noise?”

G-as-X [G/X]:  “Thought you’d come back for some more, did you?”

Sargeant:  “Does she seem smaller than before?”

G/X:  “This is your only warning-- either leave this valley
forever, or suffer the wrath of Xena!  Up, Argo!  [Whistles]
Up, Argo!  I always bow to my enemies before I destroy them!”

Lt:  “She’s bluffing.  Get her!”

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G/X:  “This is your last warning!”

Lt:  “The man who gets her, gets her!  By Talmadeus’ orders!”

Lt:  “Get her!”

X:  “Ready!”

Lt:  “Get her!”

Gorney:  “? up!”

X:  “Now!”

Gorney:  “Shake!  Aim!”

Lt:  “Huh!  Uh-oh.”

Gorney:  “Fire!  Advance!  Fire!”

Lt:  “Ahhhhh!  Retreat!”

G:  “Xena!”

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Girl:  “I can’t tell you how much we appreciate what you’re
doing here.”

Gorney:  “We don’t have much to offer, but it’s all yours for
the asking it.  Lord Seltzer means the world to us.”

X:  “That’s OK.  I’m sure Lord Seltzer is more-- concerned with
his people than with himself.”

S/LS:  “Huh?”

X:  “Ah?”

S/LS:  “Oh!  Oh, indeed, indeed.  Now, I’d like all the corks
stored and inventoried, OK?  To the cork room-- very good.
Hah-hah!”

S:  “Sweet people-- not a business brain among ‘em.  If you--
just-- give me a-- few moments-- to make my-- peace with the
gods-- please.”

G:  “I made sure the guards were posted.”

X:  “Good-- now let’s get everybody out of the factory.  Tell
them to go home, board up their houses, and stay inside.
Talmadeus’ focus right now is here.”

G:  “Xena, can you just stop thinking of everybody else for a
second?  There’s gotta be something I can do for you.”

X:  “Don’t worry about me.  What did I tell you?  Focus.  We’ve
got Talmadeus on his heels.  You need to hit him at his camp.  A
direct attack will really make him cautious.  Take these.”

G:  “Xena, are you gonna die?”

X:  “It’s not about me.  It’s about these people.  That’s why
we’re here.  People like this used to be my victims.  I keep
that in mind every time we come up against a warlord like
Talmadeus.  It’s the greater good-- remember that.  Gabrielle--
if it does happen-- I want to be taken back home to be buried
next to my brother, Lyceus.  Go on, now.  I’ll be here when you
get back.”

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T:  “I don’t care if she _is_ back.  She’s not gonna keep me
from Salmoneus.  I’ve beaten her once-- I can do it again.”

G/X:  “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”

Soldiers:  “Incoming!”  “We’re under attack!”

T:  “It’s Xena!”

G/X:  “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”

Sold:  “Save the weapons!”

G:  “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!  Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”

T:  “Don’t panic, you fools!  Get organized!  Save my tent
first!  Get those guards in position!  You’re not Xena!
[Laughs]”

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[ACT III]

[Theme to the Gauntlet]

X:  “Where is it?  I hate uninvited guests.”

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T:  “So-- it was all a trick.  Xena was covering for some
weakness.  I almost fell for it.  Brilliant.”

G:  “Maybe, you’re falling for it right now.  Maybe my being
captured is the trick.  Have you thought about that?”

T:  “I can’t help but admire your bravery.  Too bad I have to
kill you.”

G:  “Y-- you don’t have to.”

T:  “Oh, don’t worry; you’ll soon have plenty of company on
Charon’s boat.  I’ll make it quick.”

G:  “Yeah!”

Soldiers:  “Kill the horse!”  “Hah, you’re not gonna kick me,
you stupid horse!”

G:  “Go!  Ya!  Go, Argo!  Go!”

Lt:  “Get the horses!”

T:  “No!  Don’t waste the effort.”

G:  “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

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S:  “Oh, somebody konked me.  Xena?  Xena.  This is a trick,
right?  Come on.  Proud warrioress-- I will miss you.”

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T:  “Any word from Kalus?”

Lt:  “Ah, no sir, nothing.  Maybe the Warrior Princess is still
alive.”

T:  “That’s the kind of talk that paralyzed this army.  That’s
exactly what Xena wanted.  This entire valley-- is mine for the
taking.  And it’s time I started.”

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G:  “Xena!  Xena, we’ve got trouble!”

S:  “Wait a second.”

G:  “Salmoneus, get out of my way!”

S:  “Wait a second!”

G:  “What?  No.”

S:  “OK, there’s nothing we can do here.  We’ve gotta get out of
here.  That’s what I think.  What do you think?”

G:  “If we can move these barrels, we can make a defensive wall
that will take days to breech.”

S:  “Defense?  Breech?”

G:  “And when you’re done with that, gather as much wood as you
can without leaving the area.”

S:  “How long can these people hold out against Talmadeus’
army?”

G:  “Long enough for me to get to Labottie-- I think Iolaus is
there.”

S:  “If you’re leaving this valley, I am coming with you.  I am
not gonna be killed.  Talmadeus will do both of us.”

G:  “This is not about you or me, Salmoneus.  It’s about these
people.  Now, that’s why we’re here-- why Xena was here.  We are
staying and fighting for the greater good.  Get to work.”

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G:  “I have to focus.  I have to focus.  Xena said to focus.”

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S:  “All right-- I know what I have to do.”

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S:  “Take me, take Xena, and-- and let the people go.  You’re a
man of your word, right?  Oww!  Just checking.”

T:  “Now-- where’s Xena?”

X:  “She’s at the factory.  She’s dead.  Now remember-- we have
a deal-- right?”

T:  “Yes, yes-- don’t worry.  I’m an honorable man, as you say.
Go.  Lead my army to Xena.  Bring her and the villagers here.
When I know she’s truly dead-- then I’ll let everyone go.
Salmoneus, Xena dead, and a whole village of slaves to be sold--
it’s turned out to be a good day.”

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[ACT IV]

S:  “OK-- I fulfilled my end of the bargain.  Now make me proud
to have done business with you, and let these people go.”

T:  “Bring out Xena’s body.”

Soldiers:  “You heard him.”  “Right.”

T:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Who killed Xena?”

S:  “I-- uh-- I don’t know.”

T:  “You don’t know.  It’s obvious, and soon the entire world
will know.  I killed her!  The great Talmadeus has taken down
the Warrior Princess.  But, business is business-- and a good
businessman just gives what he is given.  You gave me talcamite
weapons and I lost a battle.  I’m giving back.  Now-- selling
these people of yours to the slavers is good business.”

S:  “We had a deal!  Hey!”

T:  “Bring out the horses.  Let’s tear this carcass limb from
limb.”

[Gabrielle fights T’s army]

T:  “I like her spirit.”

G:  “I’m taking my friend and we’re leaving.  Got it?!”

T:  “You fight well.  I might ask you to join.”

G:  “I’m taking her home to her brother.”

T:  “I can see you’re determined.”

G:  “Put her on the horse-- now!”

T:  “How long do you think you can keep this up?  The moment
your head turns, the moment your eyes flicker, I’ve got you, and
you know it.  You don’t even know how to hold a sword.  You
people are pathetic!  Such nobility, such a complete waste of
time.  Tie Xena to the horses!  All right, finish it!  That’s
Xena’s horse-- kill it.  Xena?!”

X:  “Xena?!”

G:  “Xena!”

X:  “Don’t you ever touch my horse again.”

[Fight]

T:  “Get her!”

S:  “Yeah!”

G:  “Glad to have you back.  Don’t you ever do this again.”

X:  “Gabrielle, we’re in the middle of a fight!”

S:  “Leave, quick, run, quickly!”

T:  “At least I get my revenge on you.”

X:  “Think again.”

S:  “Thank you!”

T:  “I’m glad you’re not dead.  It would have robbed me of
this.”

X:  “Well, it would have saved me from your breath.”

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X:  “I’m glad to see you two are getting along.”

G:  “Well, the best of friends are made in strange situations.
And Argo’s OK.  I mean, at least, I know she doesn’t hate me.
She’s still too tall, though.  And I am angry with you.  I mean,
I really thought that you were-- you know--”

X:  “I was.  Talmic poison shuts everything down.  I had to go
under with it just to fight the effects; I didn’t expect to be
under it so long, is all.”

G:  “You still don’t know who hit you with that dart.”

X:  “Whoever it was, sure knew what they were doing.  We just
have to figure out why.  Gabrielle-- when you thought I was
dead, you risked your life to try and take me back home.”

G:  “It was your last wish.  For all that you’ve given me, and
all the times that you saved my life, I would go to Tatarus and
back just to carry it out.”

X:  “I used to wonder whether I’d ever make it back, ‘n’-- now I
know that, one way or another, I’m going home one day.  Thank
you.”

G:  “Change the subject.  I’m gonna get all soft on you.”

X:  “We wouldn’t want that, would we?  Hmm?”


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