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“The Quest”  Episode 37/213


G:  “Every night I see it happen.  Every morning, I wish it was
a dream.  Xena.”


G:  “Xena?”

Thug1:  “Well, well, well.  I told you she was dead.”

G:  “What do you want?”

Thug1:  “Want?  Oh, we want to pay our respects.”

Thug2:  “Right.”

Thug1:  “Then we want Xena to pay our way.  Xena’s dead body is
worth a lot of money to some people.”

G:  “Back off!  I’m warning you.”

Thug1:  “Hey, little girl.  You think a corpse is worth getting
beaten up for?”

G:  “You tell me.  I’m taking her back to her brother.  I
promised her.”

Thug1:  “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”


Thug:  “You just made an enemy.”

Iolaus [I]:  “What a coincidence-- so have you.  No, no-- here.”

G:  “Iolaus.”

I:  “Fancy meeting you here.  Hey-- I should get this greeting
every time I turn up.  Gabrielle?  What is it?  Hey--  Where’s



I:  “I can’t believe it.”

G:  “She’s gone.  She just left me.  How could she do that?  She
just left.  I really wanna hate her for it.”

I:  “No-- no you don’t.”

G:  “But, I miss her.  There’s so many things that I wish I
could tell her.  Why didn’t I when I had the chance?”

I:  “We always think we have-- plenty of time.  We know people
are gonna leave us, but-- we never face up to it.  What would
you have told her?”

G:  “I would have told her-- how empty my life was before she
came; and all the lessons I learned; and that I love her.”

I:  “Gabrielle-- you just told her.”

G:  “I’m gonna be OK.  I have to take Xena to Amphipolis.  She
wants to be buried next to her brother.”

I:  “I guess I better get back to Hercules-- before the word of
mouth does.”

G:  “Thank you.”


G:  “Whoa.  Stay, Argo.”


G:  “Show yourself!  Ephiny.”

Ephiny [E]:  “We’re so sorry.  The entire Amazon nation is in

Velasca [V]:  “As it should be.  Xena was a true Amazon, even
though she denied it.  We’d like you to bring her body back to
the village, where we can honor it with an Amazon funeral fire.”

G:  “A funeral fire?  No-- I have to take Xena’s body back to
Amphipolis, where she can be buried with her brother.  Where’s
Queen Melosa?  I’d like to talk to her.”

E:  “Melosa is dead.”

G:  “How?  Who’s the Queen?”

V:  “I am-- for the time being.”

E:  “Velasca issued a challenge to Melosa-- and killed her in

V:  “Fair combat.  You keep omitting that word, Ephany.  The
tribunal ruled it a fair combat.”

E:  “Yes, they did-- fair combat.  But, it doesn’t really
matter, now that the Amazon Princess has returned.”

V:  “That’s true.  And by Amazon rights, the mask of Queenhood
is, of course-- yours.”

G:  “Wait a minute.  I nee-- I need time to think about this.”

E:  “Come home with us, Gabrielle.  You can decide what to do,
later.  But now-- come stay with me.”


Sold:  “Halt!”

Autolycus [A]:  “Ah-- sorry.  Just to touch the beautiful dagger
of Helios.  A thousand pardons.”

Woman:  “How did it fall?!”

Men:  “Stay  away.”  “The dagger of Helios.”  “Stand back--
everybody.”  “Clear the temple.”  “Everybody out!”  “Clear the
temple.”  “Move!  Let’s move along!”  “Clear the area.”  “Clear
it!  Move!”  “That’s it-- over there.”  “You all have to leave.”

A:  “Ah, another day, another defilement.  No offense.  Oh!
Hey!  Hello.  Oh, this is not good.  Oh, it’s you, right?  OK,
well I-- I can take a hint.  Y-y-- you want your dagger back,

Sold:  “Who’s in there?!  Open up!  Break the door down!”

A:  “Don’t you fail me, now.”

Sold:  “Open it!  Break it down!”

A:  “All right, all right, I get the idea-- I think.


V:  “Elona, Thalia-- Finish the preparations on the podium.
Everything must be perfect for the coronation.”


G:  “I don’t remember seeing Velasca when I was here.”

E:  “Ah-- Melosa’s adopted daughter.  When Velasca’s real mother
was killed during the first war of the Centaurs-- Melosa raised
her as her own.  When Melosa named Terreis heir to the mask--
Velasca challenged it.  She was defeated and left the village.
She didn’t return until last year.”

G:  “Is she a good leader?”

E:  “Some think so-- because she’s strong and talks about the
old days.  She’s made it clear she wants to take back the land
across the river-- Centaur land.  It would mean war.  My son and
I-- would have to make choices-- again.”

G:  “A woman like that shouldn’t rule the Amazons.”

E:  “She doesn’t have to.  Gabrielle-- you still have the right
of caste.  She was only Queen in your absence.  Now that you’re
back, you can take it from her.  She knows it.  She can’t
contest it.”

G:  “No-- I have to take Xena home.  I can’t leave her.”

E:  Gabrielle-- I’m saying this as someone who’s your friend.
Xena is dead.  Let us give her a proper Amazon funeral.  When
her body is committed to the flames-- her soul will be released
to soar.  And, maybe then, you, you can--”

G:  “You can let her go.”

E:  “Yeah.”

V:  “Gabrielle-- Princess, a word with you, please.”


V:  “I know how anxious you must be to get home.  The last thing
you need right now is this right of caste business.  The mask of
Melosa will be retired, and the new mask of the Queen will be
offered to you.  All you have to do to decline is hand it to

G:  “And make you the new Queen?”

V:  “I’m already Queen.  This is just ceremony.  Gabrielle, you
have neither the training nor the birthright to claim the
position.  I do.  It belongs to me.”

G:  “I’ll think about it.”

V:  “You do that.  Think hard.  Make sure you understand
destiny.  I do-- and I’m the only one to return the Amazons to


A:  “Choose the one drink you wouldn’t give your worst enemy,
and-- give me a double.  Thank you.”

X’s Voice [“X”]:  “Oh, no you don’t.  I need you sober.”

A:  “Who said that?!”

“X”:  “You heard me.  Good.  That’ll make things easier.”

A:  “Easier-- easier for who?!  Who are you?!  Where are you?!”

“X”:  “Autolycus, settle down.  It’s Xena.  I’m here with you,
in your body.”

A:  “Oh, that’s ridiculous.  Xena’s-- dead.  What would a dead
woman want with me?”

“X”:  “I need a favor from the king of thieves.  I want you to
steal my dead body from the Amazons.”



A:  “Well, good day to you, sir.  Oh, that’s a fine-looking
apple.  I’m going mad, you know.  Loopy.  Strange in the head.
You see, I hear voices.”

“X”:  “Autolycus, listen to me.”

A:  “Oh, there she is again.”

Salesman:  “Does she wanna buy an apple?”

A:  “No-- she wants me to get her body back.”

“X”:  “Well, don’t tell everyone about it!”

A:  “It’s a secret.”

Salesman:  “Safe with me.”

“X”:  “Come on.”


A:  “Hello, ladies-- I’m quite mad.  Top of the morning.  Ah!
Xena?  You’re the one who’s doing this.  You’re the one who’s
controlling my body.  Hah-hah!  You were the one who was trying
to stop me from stealing the dagger of Helios.”

“X”:  “Stop you?  How do you think you thought of going there in
the first place?”

A:  “It wasn’t just greedy inspiration?”

“X”:  “No, it was me.  Now, listen.  I don’t have a lot of
energy, and the more you fight me, the less time I’ve got.  I
have only one chance to reunite with my body-- and that’s if I
can get to the ambrosia in time.”

A:  “Food of the gods.”

“X”:  “The map in the wooden book shows the way, and the dagger
is the key.”

A:  “Food of the gods.  OK, might be some profit in that.  All
right, but here are the rules.  No messing with my limbs or
bodily functions unless I say so-- got it?”

“X”:  “Agreed.”

A:  “OK.”

“X”:  “Now what?”

A:  “Well, nature’s calling.  How do you want to handle that?
Hey, hey, hey.”


G [Thinking]:  “Xena-- I’ll always love you-- but I know I have
to let you go.  I always thought of you as my home, and when you
left-- I felt so lost.  Maybe, my new home is here. [Speaking
out loud]  Prepare the ceremonial pyre.  Xena will have an
Amazon funeral.  I’ll take her ashes to Amphipolis-- and I’ll
return-- to rule as Queen.”


A:  “I can barely see anything.  My, my, my-- I may just wanna
settle here.”

“X”:  “Focus on what we’re here for.”

A:  “I’m not just leering at scantily-clad women, you know?  I’m
working.  Notice the hut with the guards.”


A:  “It sounds like the party’s already started.”

“X”:  “We don’t have much time-- Hurry!”

A:  “You know-- losing your body has done nothing to improve
your patience, has it?  That was not necessary.  I’m hurrying.”


Solare [S]:  “The mask of the new Queen.”

V:  “This is ridiculous!  She has no right to wear the mask of
the Queen!  She wasn’t born of our flesh!  She says she received
the right of caste.  Or did she?”

E:  “I was there, Velasca.  I heard Terreis give her the caste.”

V:  “You-- Ephany.  Are we to believe someone who married the
enemy, bore his child, and left our people?!  What good is your
word to an Amazon, any Amazon?!”

G:  “Quiet!  Take it.  Go on.”

V:  “Ugh!  Out of my way!”

E:  “The new Queen of the Amazons-- Gabrielle!”

Amazons:  [Cheer]


G:  “Xena-- look.  They made me Queen.  [Laughs]  Me-- the
little girl you found in Poteidaia.  It’s time that I let you
go.  See, I-- I have to find my own life.  Just as you were
searching for yours.  You know, there are two kinds of tears--
tears for those-- who leave you-- and tears for those who you
never let go.  And I won’t say goodbye to you, Xena-- ‘cause
we’ll be together again-- one day.”


“X”:  “Oh, they’re going to light the fire, soon.”

A:  “Would you calm down?  There’s barely enough room up here
for my paranoia.”

“X”:  “What are you gonna do?”

A:  “Xena, you lucky girl.  You get a front-row seat for the
spectacle that is my gift.  The first thing we do is make them
think your body’s missing.  How?  You ask-- the old false floor
routine.  Spread your parchment out-- over your body; loosen the
lid, so it falls off; they look inside, see nothing, and the
funeral’s called off.  Huh!  Now, let’s see how that body of
yours is holding up.”

G:  “Get away from her!  Autolycus.”

A:  “Now, Gabrielle, wait a minute.  I have a very good

“X”:  “Don’t try and explain, Autolycus.”

G:  “You’re trying to steal Xena’s body.”

A:  “Hah-- it’s not what you think it is.  Uh, well, actually,
i-- it is what you think, but not _why_ you think.”

G:  “Oh, I know why.  More than one warlord would pay for proof
that Xena’s dead.  I never thought you would do it, Autolycus.”

A:  “Gabrielle-- Xena’s inside me-- her mind, her soul, her
essence-- whatever.  It’s in here with me-- and she wants me to
steal her body.”

“X”:  “Ah, that’s so pathetic.”

G:  “You’re so pathetic.  Put him in jail.  I’ll figure out what
to do with him after the funeral.”

A:  “Oh, for the love of Zeus!”


S:  “Get in there!”


A:  “No one’s looking out.  Finally-- hah!  Some luck.”


S:  “Now!”


A:  “Ah, Xena, we’re too late.”



A:  “So what are we gonna do now?  Oh, oh, no, you’re not gonna
make me go--”

“X”:  “Let go and hold on.”

A:  “Let go and hold on?  Hey!  Ah.  Hey.  Oh, oh, oh,  Xena!

V:  “Stop him!”

G:  “It can’t be.”

X-in-A:  “A-ya-ya-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”


V:  “Archers, kill him!”

G:  “Wait!”

A:  “Hey!”

G:  “It is Xena.”

E:  “Gabrielle.”

G:  “I can’t explain, Ephiny.  I’m sorry.”

V:  “Ephiny-- organize a war party.  Go after them and bring
their bodies back to me.”

E:  “No-- I’ll go, but by myself.  Gabrielle wouldn’t have done
this without a good reason.”

V:  “She betrayed us!  I want Gabrielle dead!  Do you hear me?!
Now is the time to show your allegiance!  Gabrielle is a traitor
to the nation!  _I_ am the _rightful_ Amazon Queen!  Those who
stand against me, stand with her.  Take them.  They’ll die with
the traitor.”

Amazon:  “Come on.”


G:  “Looks like we have a bit of a lead on them.”

A:  “Ah, well, that was a full day, huh?”

G:  “Autolycus-- what is going on?  Why is Xena in your mind?”

A:  “Oh-ho, now you believe me.  Ow!  Does she work out for
those stunts?”

G:  “Where is she?”

A:  “I--I don’t know.  Stop that.”

“X”:  “I’m right here.”

A:  “Oh, now she’s back.”

“X”:  “Autolycus, I’m going to speak through you.  Give me

A:  “No, wait-- we have an agreement.  I have a right--”

X-in-A:  “Yes, Gabrielle, it’s me.  I want you to do something.
Close your eyes.  Close them tightly, and think of me.”


X:  “Gabrielle.  Gabrielle.  It’s me.  I’m not dead.”

G:  [Cries]  “Xena.”

X:  “At least, not completely.”

G:  “Why?  Why did you leave?  There’s so many things I want to
say to you.”

X:  “Gabrielle-- you don’t have to say a word.  We don’t have
much time.  I need to get to the ambrosia; otherwise, I will be

G:  “Xena, I can’t lose you again.”

X:  “Gabrielle, I’ll always be here.”


A:  “Well, I-- hope you two worked things out.”

G:  “We did.  Thank you.  I mean that.”

A:  “Oh, certainly-- whatever’s necessary.  I’m here for you

G:  “Autolycus.”

A:  “Hah?”

G:  “Get your hand off my butt.”

A:  “Oh-- ha-ha-ha.  Can you imagine?  This is not helping our
working relationship.  Now is anyone else concerned that we’re
being pursued by a pack of crazed Amazons?”

G:  “You’re right.”

“X”:  “Get rid of the sarcophagus.”

A:  “Get rid of it?  The sarcophagus.”

G:  “She means to hide it.”

A:  “Ah, well-- that should be easy.  Where?”

G:  “We could take it to the river.  It’ll float downstream, and
then we’ll pick it up later.”

“X”:  “I’m impressed.”

A:  “Well, I’m impressed.  So is Xena.”


A:  “Hah!  Hidden in plain sight.  That entrance looked the same
as any other cave opening.”

G:  “Hold on.  I’ll try to light this.”

A:  “I think I see something on the other side-- oh!”

G:  “If Xena hadn’t stopped you.”

A:  “A simple warning would have been fine.”

G:  “It looks like they tried to climb up.”

A:  “Gabrielle-- the design on that rock-- it’s very peculiar.”

“X”:  “The dagger of Helios.  The dagger you stole, Autolycus.”

A:  “What?  Xena, I can barely hear you.”

G:  “Whe’s getting weaker.  We’ve gotta hurry-- come on.”

V:  “There’s no hurry at all.  With ambrosia, you have all the
time in the world.  And I thought this was just legend.  Now--
where is the food of the gods?”

A:  “OK, Xena, this is your department.  Take over.”

“X”:  “Autolycus.”

G:  “Autolycus.”

A:  “She’s gone.  Xena’s gone.”



A:  “Well, nothing-- quite like a woman’s touch.”

V:  “You’re only alive because of the ambrosia, you know that.”

A:  “I was hoping it was my witty repartee.  Maybe not.”

V:  “Where is it?  Where is the ambrosia?  It has something to
do with that hole in the ceiling.  You know, don’t you?”

A:  “Well, I have a fair idea.  But, you see, there’s just one
small problem.  If I don’t tell you, you’ll kill me.  And if I
do tell you, you’ll kill me anyway, become a god and terrorize
the world.  So, either way, there’s very little personal gain
for me.”

V:  “It’s not whether you die-- it’s how you die that counts.
Let me tell you something about myself.  I like pain.  I like
what it does to people, and I like what it makes people do.  And
I’m not bragging.  I’m just explaining.”

A:  “What are you gonna do with those?”

V:  “What is that?”

A:  “Oh, uh-- that must be my toenail clipper, or--”

V:  “The dagger of Helios.”

A: “The dagger of Helios-- one or the other.”

V:  “This is the key.”

A:  “Uh, hey, I paid for an hour.”


Amazon:  “Come on, get in there!”

G:  “Autolycus?”

A:  “Ooh! Ooh!  Ah, ah, ow.  No, no, no, no-- ah, it’s broke--
broke-- broke.  It’s broken.”

G:  “OK-- Uh, Ephiny, I need a-- splint.”

A:  “Gabrielle-- she’s got it.  She’s got the dagger.  And,
she’s going after the ambrosia.”

E:  “That’s it then.  We lost.  Now she’ll become a god.”

G:  “She hasn’t won yet-- not as long as there’s one person who
can stand up to her.”

E:  “And what can we do?”

G:  “Ephiny, we can’t give up.  Don’t you see that?  Autolycus,
can you get us out of this jail?”

A:  “Well, my lockpick’s in my other shirt.  If only I had just
a small-- sort of um--.  Would you put that hand right there?
And that hand there?  Now, don’t worry-- this is business, not
pleasure.  Well-- mostly business.  Huh-ha-ha.  Hold it.”

G:  “Hey!  Hey, lady.”

Amazon:  “What do you want?”

G:  “Come here-- come here.  I want to tell you this!  Ephiny!
Go downriver.  Find Xena’s sarcophagus.  Bring it to the hall of

A:  “Here’s a map.  I can find my way without it.”

G:  “Sorry.”

A:  “Well, in for a dinar, in for a kingdom.  Besides, I’ve got
a little something to settle with that Amazonian-- uh-- female.”


V:  “This is it.  This is my destiny.  Melosa, you were so
right.  I wasn’t meant to be Queen.  I was meant to be a god.”

G:  “Velasca!”

V:  “Oh, good.  I really did want an audience, Gabrielle.
Someone should witness the birth of a god.”

A:  “Oh, I can’t climb with a broken arm.  She’s gonna get the
ambrosia.  Let me guess--  Xena, right?”

X-in-G:  “Yes.”

A:  “Get up there, Gabrielle-- Xena-- or whoever you are.”

[Fight on the ropes]


E:  “Gabrielle, I’ve brought Xena’s body-- down here.”

G:  Open the sarcophagus-- I have to get to Xena.”

A:  “Oh, but the ambrosia’s been destroyed.”

G:  “Not all of it.”


A:  “What now?”

G:  “I don’t know.  Xena-- Xena, if you can hear me-- come back.
Please, come back.”

X:  “Gabrielle.”

G:  “I know.  Let’s get you out of here.”


G:  “Your timing was impeccable.”
A:  “Mm-hmm.  As--”

A and G:  “-- usual.”

A:  “Gabrielle-- I wish I had as good a friend as Xena does.”

G:  “Ah, that’s ni--”

A:  “Ah, hey.”

X:  “Yes?”

A:  “Well, I’m just giving you your chance-- to thank me.”

X:  “I thought I already did.  But, if you need to hear it
again, then, thank you-- for helping to bring me back.  I-- If
you ever need a favor, it’s yours”

A:  “Bringing you back?  Oh-- ho!  No, no, no.  I let you
experience what it’s like to be Autolycus.  You were in there.
You were controlling my bodily functions.  That’s not something
I do for everyone.”

X:  “No, you don’t often let people see who you really are,
either.  I was in there.  I know.  Despite all your bluster and
bravado, Autolycus, you’re a nice person.  I knew I could trust
you.  I always will.”

A:  “Yes-- well-- yes-- there you have it.  Thank you.  Uh, but
if it’s all the same, I think I’ll keep that favor thing in
mind.  It might just come in handy one day for the King of

G:  “Xena.”

X:  “Yeah.”

G:  “Promise me that you’ll never die on me again.”

X:  “Oh, I promise.”

G:  “You know, for a few moments, I knew what it was like to be

X:  “And?”

G:  “It was warm, friendly, loving--”

X:  “Gabrielle, it was a fight.”

G:  “I felt protected.  The world needs people like that--

X:  “Right.”

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