Whoosh! Online
Edition Centaurs Don't Eat Hay!


“A Necessary Evil”  Episode 14/41


G:  “This belongs to you.  Melosa would want you to have it.”

Ephiny [E]:  “I’ll take it on one condition.  I only hold it
while you’re gone.  By Amazon law, you’re still the Queen.”

G:  “Queen Gabrielle.  Hmm.  Does an Amazon Queen beat a Warrior

X:  “Do you really wanna find out?”

G:  “All right.  Just don’t expect me to show up at any parades
or anything.”

E:  “Amazons don’t have parades.”

G:  “That was a joke.”

E:  “I know.”

Amazons:  [Cheer]

V:  [Screams]

Amazons:  “Velasca.”  “She’s alive.”

V:  “You’re all fools!  That mask was mine!  By rights of the
Amazon, that mask was mine!  Hello, Gabrielle.  Thought I was
dead, didn’t you?”

X:  “I don’t know how you survived that fall, Velasca-- but
you’re hurt.  You need help.”

V:  “I have all the help I need right here.  Ambrosia-- a gift
from the gods-- to make a god!”

X:  “Go!  Everyone!  Spread out!”

V:  “You!  Gabrielle!”

X:  “Gabrielle, down!”

E:  “Amazons!  Attack!”

X:  “No!  Come on.”

E:  “Amazons, run!”

V:  “I want Gabrielle!  Where is she?!”

X:  “Go on.  Head for the caves.  We’ll follow as soon as we can.
Call a retreat-- Now, or there’ll be nothing left.”

E:  “Coo-coo!”

Amazon:  “Come on; this way.”

X:  “Now, while she’s weak.”

V:  “Oh, no you don’t, Ephiny.  I have a special place in my
heart for you, too!”


V:  “You can’t hide from me, Gabrielle!  You can’t hide from a
god!  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!



V:  “Gabrielle.”


E:  “Most of us can still walk.  But I can’t leave the wounded

S:  “We wanna fight.  Send us back.  We can take Velasca.”

X:  “No-- she can’t be killed.  She’s an immortal.  Send the
wounded over to Tyldus and the Centaurs.  He’ll take care of
them.  And make sure that they tell him to stay where he is.
Velasca’s not after him yet.”

G:  “No, she’s after me.  It’s OK.  I’m all right with that.”

S:  “Yeah, we can’t just hide.  We have to do something.”

X:  “Yes-- I need as many Amazons as possible to delay her.
Don’t get anyone killed-- just slow her down.  Gabrielle and I
need time.”

E:  “Shouldn’t be a problem-- I think I’m high on her list of
things to do.  Xena-- that arm’s dislocated.”

X:  “Ah, yeah.  All better now.  See?”

E:  “Yeah.”

X:  “You all right?”

G:  “Yeah, yeah-- you know?  Ephiny may be high on the list, but
I’m on top.  I’ve never been a target before-- I mean, I’ve never
been hunted.  Xena, what are we gonna do-- against a god?”

X:  “Well, we need some help, that’s for sure-- and to fight an
immortal, I need an immortal.”

G:  “Do you know where you can find one?”

X:  “Yes-- yes I do.”


Callisto [C]:  “Hmm-mmm-mmm; Hmm-mmm-mmm.  No, no, no-- no, no.
Relax, my furry little friend.  No, you’re not dinner.  That’s
the boring part about immortality.  You’re never hungry.  No,
you’re definitely not food.  You’re my little Hercules.  Hercules
trapped me in this little resort-- and I owe him a lot.  And I’m
planning on paying him back for his kindness.  Soon-- soon.  So--
run away like a good little Hercules.  Run away.  Run away.  Very


G:  “This is Callisto we’re talking about!  We can’t free her!
There’s gotta be another way, Xena.”

X:  “Callisto is an immortal.  She’s not a god, but she’s as
close as we’re gonna get on short notice.”

G:  “What about Hercules-- huh?”  

X:  “We don’t have time to find him.  Velasca’s just learning her
powers.  Every time she uses them, it weakens her.  But the
lagtime’s gonna get shorter.  Look, Gabrielle-- I know how much
this hurts you.”

G:  “No, you don’t!  Every time I close my eyes, I hear her
voice!  I hear Perdicus scream.  Now, I have to live with that
till the day I die.  What makes you think-- that Callisto would
help you?”

X:  “I’ll just have to talk her into it.”


S:  “Velasca?”

V:  “Don’t be a fool, Solare.”

S:  “I’m not.”

V:  “Wise-- very wise.  Bow your head, Ephiny.”

E:  “You’ll have to kill me, first.”

S:  “We have no argument with you, Velasca.  Many of us believe
you should have been Queen, long ago.  And now that you’re a
god-- we wanna-- offer you a sacrifice.”

V:  “Now, you’re talking.”

Amazons:  “Get her!  Now!”

V:  [Yells]

E:  “Run!  Now!”

Amazons:  “Move it”! “ Run!”

V:  “Very good-- you’re trying to delay me.”


X:  “Hercules said that the ceiling had collapsed.”

G:  “There-- I’m sure you know what you’re doing.”

X:  “Now, pull the rope up after me.  And don’t drop it again
until I whistle twice.  I don’t want Callisto getting out if she
doesn’t agree to my offer.”


X:  “Callisto.”

C:  “Xena.”

[Fight on an off throughout]

C:  “Oh, Xena-- so glad you could stop by for a little visit. And
here I was-- huh-huh-- afraid I’d never get to torture you again.
As you can see-- I’ve been keeping busy-- scarred by fire,
entombed for eternity.  You’ll, ah-- you’ll forgive me if I’m not
exactly at my peak-- won’t you?”

X:  “Callisto, I didn’t come here for this.”

C:  “Well, then-- you shouldn’t have come at all.”

X:  “You may be immortal, but I can still do damage.  How’d you
like to spend eternity in five pieces?”

C:  “Oh, Xena, how I’ve missed you.  OK-- you wanna talk?  So
talk.  What little thing could you possibly say that would have
any interest to me?”

X:  “Ambrosia-- I know someone who has it.  So you help me fight
them-- and you get a shot at it.”



X:  [Whistles once]

G:  “Xena?!  Here!”

C:  “Ah-- such a pretty day for a blood bath-- ha-ha-ha-ha-- ha.”

G:  “Xena-- are you all right?”

X:  “Oh yeah, I’m fine.”

C:  “Oh, me too-- thanks for asking.  Oh, but, then, you’ve never
really cared for me, have you?”

G:  “You’re here.  It wasn’t my idea.”

C:  “Oh, no, no, of course not.  How’ve you been?  Any new
husbands since the last one I killed?  [Laughs]  I knew there had
to be some reason you liked her.  That was good-- but you know
the problem, don’t you?  I’m immortal-- you can’t kill me.  You
can’t even hurt me.  Oh, but you want to, don’t you?  Here-- let
me help.  [Laughs]  See?  No blood.  Immortals don’t bleed.  And
we heal fast.  Oh-- but not in pieces.”

X:  “You’re a laugh a minute.  Let’s go--”

C:  “Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!  Not until we make a wee little stop.”

G:  “The Amazons won’t stop her long.  Velasca will catch up to

X:  “We don’t have time for this, Callisto.  The longer we wait,
the more powerful she becomes.”

C:  “Don’t you argue with me!  You want my help?  It won’t take
but a minute.”


X:  “My name is Xena.  Some call me the Warrior Princess.  Some
call me ‘murderer.’”  Many years ago, there was a village called
Cirra.  It was a village just like yours-- small and-- and
prosperous-- full of life-- until a day that my army came.  Until
the day that I came-- destroyed it.  Under my orders, my men--
they sacked the village; burned the houses; and killed every
living thing.  Everything was destroyed-- including the soul of
one young, innocent girl-- who will never be able to reclaim her
childhood-- and will never know what the Fates had planned for
her if not for me.  Let’s go.”


Sold1:  “Come on, let’s go-- for the hunt.”

Sold1:  “A dinar donation for the goddess, Artemis.”

V:  “What do you care of Artemis?  She’s the goddess of the

Sold2:  “Hey, what are you doing?!”

V:  “I don’t need you.  But you-- remember what you see here.
Remember that you met Velasca, the god of Chaos.  Remember what
she did and said-- in the temple of the Amazon goddess.  Artemis,
you fake!  Where were you when our nation died?!  Where were you
when the many Amazon tribes were scattered and destroyed?!  Where
were you when the word ‘Amazon’ became a joke told by old men in
taverns?!  I was once your subject.  Now, I’m your equal-- and
your enemy!  He wouldn’t have told it right, anyway.”


X:  “This is it.”

C:  “Ah, it’s not bad.  Velasca’s lightning bolts won’t do much
damage here.”

G:  “Xena-- those rocks look like they’re about to fall.”

X:  “I’m counting on it.”

C:  “And just how long am I supposed to be fighting this woman

X:  “Get her beneath the rockledge.  I’ll do the rest.”

C:  “Ah-hah-- and then it’s you and me and the ambrosia.  I just
had a marvelous idea.  Why don’t you and I both eat it?  That
way, we could be fighting each other for eternity.”

X:  “Let’s just deal with Velasca, shall we?”

C:  “First things first.”


C:  “Now?”

X:  “Not yet.”

V:  “Three hearbeats.  Xena and Gabrielle have a friend.  I know
where you are, Gabrielle.  Your heart just started beating
faster.  I’ll quiet it down, soon enough”

X:  “It’s now or never.”

C:  “It just might be both-- for you.”

G:  “What is she doing?”

X:  “She just switched sides.”

C:  “Hello, Velasca.  My, you’re looking well.  I’m Callisto.
You want Gabrielle.  I want Xena.  I think we have something in



V:  “And who are you?”

C:  “I’m insulted.  Xena, your little playmate doesn’t know who I
am!  She doesn’t like to talk about me.  Ah-ah!  Now, before you
start going crazy and blowing things up-- I think you should hear
what I have to say.  In fact, I’m your only friend right now.”

V:  “I don’t need or want friends.”

C:  “Another thing we have in common.”

V:  “You must have a death wish.”

C:  “You know, it’s funny-- I think I do.”

X:  “We’ll only get one shot at it.”

G:  “What are you going to do?”

X:  “I’m gonna break up their little party.  Take her Callisto,
now’s your chance!”

C:  “Stop it!  They’re trying to drain you!  It’s just a trick!”

G:  “Velasca!”

C:  “I told you!  They’re trying to trick you!”

X:  “Gabrielle!”

V:  “You can’t keep this up forever, Xena.  I can.”

X:  “It’s not gonna take forever.”

V:  “Too late.  Goodbye, Xena.”

C:  “You don’t just kill me and walk away.”

X:  “Gabrielle!  Now!”

G:  “Is that it?  Is it over?”

X:  “No, that sidetrip to the village cost us.  She’s grown too
strong.  That won’t hold her.  We’ve got some time before she
works her way out.  Let’s go.  You’re not gonna get the ambrosia
this time, Callisto.”

C:  “Patience is a virtue.”


G:  “Can I ask you something?”

C:  “All right-- we both know how much I love chit-chat.”

G:  “When we were at the village-- and Xena was talking about
Cirra-- did you feel anything?”

C:  “My goodness-- are you trying to figure me out?  I’m

G:  “Answer me-- or are you afraid?”

C:  “Let’s play a game, shall we?  I’ll answer your question-- if
you answer mine.”

G:  “All right.”

C:  “What did I feel-- when Xena confessed her crimes?  Well the
problem is, Gabrielle-- I never feel anything.  I mean, bits and
pieces, here and there, but nothing solid.  Think back to when
you were a little girl-- and all you knew-- was your mother-- and
your sister.  And all of your faith revolved them.  Now, kill
them.  My turn.”

G:  “What?”

C:  “When I sliced open your husband, how long did it take him to
die?  [Laughs]”

X:  “There’s a path out of the mountains--.  What’s wrong with

C:  “We played a game of truth or dare, and she’s not very good
at it.”

X:  “I know where to make a stand.  We have to draw Velasca

C:  “You gonna trust me?  You haven’t even mentioned my little

X:  “I can trust you because you’re after the ambrosia.  And as
for your betrayal, it was hardly unexpected.”

C:  “So, you knew I would turn.  And you knew what to do.”

X:  “And now I know that you and Velasca are enemies.”

C:  “All right-- so how do we take care of her, then?”

X:  “Just beyond the mountains there’s a canyon-- there are some
ruins in it.  And just beyond that, a lava pit.  That’s our best

C:  “Well, the ruins will confine her powers.  And the goal is to
get her into the lava pit.  It’s brilliant.”

X:  “Without falling in ourselves.”

C:  “Ah-- but you’re forgetting one very important element-- my

X:  “Oh, I haven’t forgotten that.”

C:  “Good-- so I suppose I’m supposed to wear her down again.”

X:  “No, no.  No, she’s grown too strong.  We have to lure her

C:  “Well, we have perfect bait for that.  It’s your precious
little Gabrielle she wants.”

X:  “I know.”


V:  “You have a huge start on me, Gabrielle.  Then again, I am a


C:  “Oh, it’s a lovely spot.  Looks a little like home,

X:  “Either way, it ends here.  Let’s get to high ground.”

C:  “Now-- do we stake Gabrielle out like the sacrificial lamb
she is-- or are we to trust that she won’t be running?”

G:  “I’m not going anywhere, Callisto.  Like Xena said, it ends

C:  [Laughs]  “Oh, no it doesn’t.  Because once Velasca’s gone,
you still have me to deal with.  And by then, I’ll have my
Ambrosia.  Oh-- but I know you too well.  You probably have
something figured out for that too now, don’t you-- dear?”

X:  “Right now the plan is just to deal with Velasca and stay
alive in the process.”

C:  “Oh, speak for yourself.  Staying alive isn’t something that
concerns me anymore.”

V:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

X:  “Gabrielle!”

V:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

X:  “Just hold on!  Gabrielle!  Gabrielle!”

V:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”



G:  “Xena!”

X:  “Gabrielle!”

V:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

X:  “Gabrielle!  Don’t let go!  I’m coming!”

V:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

X:  “Hold on to me!”

V:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Gabrielle-- you may have
made a run of it as Queen, but this is the end.

G:  “Xena!”

X:  “Dive for cover!  Callisto, stay down.”

C:  “Where’s that lava pit you want me to dump her in?  I’m
looking forward to this.”

X:  “It’s on the other side of the ruins.  There’s a rope bridge
over it.  We need to get her there.”

C:  “Well, that should be easy enough.  She’s after the brat.
Where she goes, Velasca goes.  And that leaves me free to get
behind her.  Wish me luck-- not that you would.  Oh, and Xena--
the next time we meet-- I’ll be a god.”

G:  “She’s right, you know.”

V:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

G:  “I’m the bait.  If it means getting on that rope bridge--”

X:  “Sacrificing you is not part of the plan-- not even close.
And it’s not just Velasca we need to get on that bridge, it’s
Callisto as well.  If I’m right, they’ll be so busy fighting one
another, that they won’t notice me cutting the ropes.”

G:  “Let’s do it.”

X:  “The other side-- hurry!”

V:  “There you are, Gabrielle.  Uh-- go away.  Now-- here we are
at last, face-to-face.  Do you fear me, Gabrielle?”

G:  “Yes-- I don’t wanna die.”

V:  “Hmm-- well, at least you admit it.  Strange, but I don’t
really wanna kill you.”

G:  “Go with it.”

V:  “Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho.  I’m going to kill you all right.  There’s
just this part of me that respects you, because you did me a huge
favor.  The Amazon nation is dead.  I’ve been trying to revive a
corpse.  But now, as a god-- I can make the world into whatever I
choose.  And now it’s time for you to die.  Oh, it’s too easy to
kill you as a god-- and not half as satisfying as doing it the
old-fashioned way.  Tell Hades, I’ll be dropping by soon.”

C:  “Give me my Ambrosia!  Give it to me!”

G:  “Oh!”

C:  “Give me that!”

V:  “Ah-- she’s gotta go.”

C:  “Gabrielle, Gabrielle-- give it to me!”

X:  “Gabrielle.”

G:  “Mmm!”

X:  “Give it to her.”

C:  “Here comes trouble.”

G:  “Xena!”

X:  “Hold on, Gabrielle!”

G:  “I can’t hold on!  Hurry!  Just do it!  Cut the rope!”

X:  “Hold on!”

G:  “Do it!  Xena, I can’t hold on!”

X:  “Gabrielle-- don’t take your eyes off me!”

G:  “Hurry!”

X:  “I got’cha!  I got’cha!”


X:  “With the bridge out, we’ll have to take the long way out of
here.  But it’s all right-- we have time, now.”

G:  “How long will it hold them?”

X:  “For eternity, I hope.”

G:  “Xena-- do you think that, deep down, Callisto feels sorry
for the things that she’s done?”

X:  “No!”

G:  “I do.  I have to or I can’t forgive her.  And if I can’t
forgive her, I can’t move on.  Goodbye, Callisto.”

X:  “Let’s go.”

Click here to return to the A NECESSARY EVIL page.

Guide Table of ContentsBack to Whoosh!