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Edition Centaurs Don't Eat Hay!


“For Him the Bell Tolls”  Episode 40/216


G:  “You sure about this?”

X:  “Yes, Gabrielle.  OK, I’m gonna let you off here.”

G:  “I can’t believe you wanna to without me.”

X:  “I don’t want to  go without you, but King Lias’ message
said the ceremony is tomorrow.  I’ll have to push Argo pretty
hard to make it there myself.”

G:  “I can follow you.  I’ll get there a day later.  Look-- if
they want you there for security reasons, then maybe there’s a
bigger probem than he’s letting on.”

X:  “Gabrielle, relax.  Enjoy yourself for a couple o’ days.  I
can handle this without you.”

G:  “Hmm.  Fine.  Maybe there are a few problems around here
that I can handle without you.”

X:  “Well, if there are, I’m sure you’re up to the challenge.
See you in a couple o’ days.”

G:  “’I’m sure you’re up to the challenge.’  How patronizing can
you get?!”


Joxer [J]:  Any time you’re ready; it’s your funeral.  Ah-hah!
You’re next, Megalopolis.  I’m gonna cut your head off and feed
it to the fishes!  But first a special move I’m gonna put on

G:  “Hey, Joxer.  You all right?”

J:  “Great!  Sh! Sh-Sh!  I’m just listening to make sure no
giants tracked me.  Yeah-- and-- they didn’t.”

G:  “Mmm-- that’s a load off my mind.”

J:  “Yeah-- oh, wait!  Where’s Xena?”

G:  “Ah-- she’s off being a hero.”

J:  “Oh.  How come you’re not with her?”

G:  “’Cause I’m a sidekick-- obviously expendable, when push
comes to shove.”

J:  “Hmm.  Wait, wait, wait!  That‘s great!  Don’t you get it?
You’re a sidekick without a hero.  And I’m a hero without a

G:  “Of course.  You’re a hero.  A hero of what?”

J:  “I am Joxer the Mighty.  I’m the greatest hero that ever
was. [Sings] I’m Joxer the mighty; he roams through the

G:  “Joxer-- I’m not in the mood for this.”

J:  “What?”

G:  “You know-- one day you’ll realize what it really means to
be a hero.  And then you’ll change your tune.”

J:  “I am a hero.  Look-- what would Xena do in a situation like

G:  “Like what?”

J:  “Like um-- you know-- walking.”

G:  “Actually, she would guard our rear.”

J:  “She would?”

G:  “Mmm.  And she’d stay _way_ back to intercept anybody that
might follow us.”

J:  “Oh, ‘cause like if we get attacked from behind--”

G:  “Ah, deadly.”

J:  “So, I could fight, I could--”

G:  “Yeah-- yep.”

J:  “Great.  I’ll stay right back here.  Don’t worry-- no one’s
gonna get _your_ rear.”


Aphrodite [A]:  “Cupid?!  Where are you?”

Cupid [C]:  “Yo, Mom-- What up?”

A:  “I have an overwhelming sense of grodiness, Cupid.”

C:  “Why?  What’s the problem?”

A:  “You did your gooey love-thing on Princess Ileandra and
Prince Sarpedon.”

C:  “Yeah-- they’re a cooking couple-- it’s set.”

A:  “But their marriage will unite their two kingdoms!”

C:  “Exactly.  Look, get to the point, Mom.  I’m real busy.”

A:  “Their fathers plan to dismantle my temples that line the
border.  If I lose those temples, I’ll have fewer than that
hagster, Athena.”

C:  “So you lose a few crummy temples!  Bit deal!  This is

A:  “That’s way harsh, Cupid.  I’m Aphrodite, the goddess of
love.  Temples are my kahunas-- the way I know whether I’m
happening or not.  Now, I want you to undo this thing.”

C:  “No way!  They’re eloping!  It’ll be over before you know

A:  “Oh!  This is so not fair!  Ah.  You’re forcing me to get

C:  “I am not!”

A:  “Yes you are!  I can whip up a major jealousy rage in no
time.  All I need is an accomplice.”

C:  “You always do this!  You’re gonna find some hero, right?
Like Theseus or Perseus-- throw your little lust-spell on ‘em,
then, pow!  They’re your boy-toys.”

A:  “As if, Cupid.  I don’t need a hero.  I can do it with

C:  “Anyone?  I doubt it.”

A:  “Well, then, I guess it’s time for the goddess of love to
prove to her son just how powerful she can be.  You name the
dude-- I’ll work with him.”

C:  “Anyone, huh?”

A:  “Anyone.”


J:  “No one’s gonna get me from behind if I walk backwards.
Yeah, guard, guard, guard-- guard, guard”

A:  “Hi, there, studmuffin.  I mean you, big guy.  I need a
strong warrior type to do me a favor.  I’d be ever so grateful.
Take this to Princess Ileandra.”

J:  “Ileandra.”

A:  “It’s a wedding present.”

J:  “Present.”

A:  “Make sure you deliver it personally.”

J:  “Oh, OK.  Don’t worry.  I won’t let you down.  Hey-- you’re
Aphrodite, aren’t you?  Don’t worry, I’ll bring it!”


G:  “No.”

Warlord:  “Break her in half.”

J:  “Blood, valor, and victory!  Hah-hah!  Ah.  Ah!  Here you
go!  Watch that step.”

Woman:  “He’s so strong.”

Ileandra [I]:  “You saved us.”

Woman:  “My hero.”

J:  “My sword is always ready to pleasure you, my lady.”

Woman:  “He’s so good-looking.”



J:  “Ladies, please, please.  

G:  “Excuse me.  Excuse me.  Excuse me.”

**:  “He’s mine, Sister.”

J:  “Please-- each of you is like a-- rose in the garden of
life.  I’ve come to sample the fragrance of but one.”

Women:  “Who?”  “Who?”

J:  “Princess Ileandra.”

I:  “Me-- that’s me.  I’m Princess Ileandra.”

J:  “Then I have a gift for you.  It’s golden finish is but a
dim glimmer of the shimmering radiance of your cream-like skin.”

I:  “Put it on, quick.”

J:  “Oh.”

G:  “Joxer.”

J:  “Huh?”

G:  “That was amazing.  What has gotten into you?”

J:  “Ah, ah-- I don’t know.  Um-- protecting your rear and uh--
ah, dya-- where am I?”

I:  “Say that thing again-- about my skin and cream.”

J:  “Cream and-- skin?  What?  I don’t know-- who I am,

I:  “Thank the gods you two arrived when you did.  I’m Princess
Ileandra of Mylon.”

G:  “I’m Gabrielle.  Where are you headed?”

I:  “Pyros-- I’m going to elope with my betrothed, Prince

G:  “Mmm-- romantic.”

I:  “Romantic, yes-- practical, no.  I had no idea it was so
dangerous outside of the castle.  Would-- you go with us?  I’d
be so grateful.  After all, you two did save our lives.”

J:  “Ow!  Ah!  Oh!  Ow!  Ooh!  You!  Ahh!”

I:  “That is the guy who saved us, isn’t it?”

G:  “That’s Joxer.  He saved you.”

J:  “I did?  I mean, ah, oh, I did-- I did.  Yes-- umm-- sure,
there must have been, uh-- twenty of them-- or more-- or less.
Whatever it was, I, you know-- I-- I tore ‘em apart with my bare
hands, so--”

I:  “So-- will you help us?”

G:  “Ah, Joxer-- are you up to this?”

J:  “Of course, of course, it’s all coming back to me, now.
They had cross-bows, right?  I mean cata-- catapults?  Chariots?
Whatever-- I mean, I was very fierce when I-- when I took them
out and-- listen, as far as your skin is concerned-- ah, it
reminds me of-- cream-- just before it curdles-- ‘cause that’s
when it’s the best.”


Baris [B]:  “There’s nothing like a wedding to bring two
families together.  To you, Linius.  And peace to both our

Linius [L]:  “And you, Baris.  Peace between our kingdoms.”

C:  “It’s a done deal, Mom-- Give it up.”

l:  “It’s been a long time coming.  Now, to rid ourselves of
these pesky temples to Aphrodite.”

A:  “Pesky!”

B:  “This one on your land blocks my view of the river.”

A:  [Laughs]  “Who would wanna look at a stupid river, when you
could look at me?  Tell him, Linius.”

L:  “Done.  I’ve always thought this one was ugly.”

A:  “Ugly?!”

C:  “Hey, show some class, Mom.  You can’t always have
everything your way.

B:  [Laughs]

**:  “King Linius.  It pains me to reveal this.  But I feel it
my duty as a lady of honor to inform you.”

L:  “I know what you’re gonna say.  They’re eloping.”

B:  “What?!”

L:  “Yes-- my spies are more effective than yours, my friend.
Don’t be alarmed.  It’ll just save us the expense of a wedding

B:  [Laughs]  “Yes-- yes-- good.”

A:  “Careful, Cupid.  You know I always win.”

**:  “It’s not the elopement I speak of.  I saw Princess
Ileandra in the arms of another man-- a gallant warrior named

B:  “Nonsense!  Take it back, woman!”

**:  “Oh, it’s true.  My friend saw it, too.”

L:  “Then I withdraw my approval from the marriage!  I can’t
have my son marrying a harlot!”

B:  “Who are you calling a harlot?!  This is vicious slander!”

L:  “Perhaps-- but I’m stopping _all_ negotiations till we get
to the bottom of this.”

B:  “No!  _I’m_ stopping all negotiations until _I_ get to the
bottom of this!”

A:  [Laughs]  “Lust versus love.  You’re just over your head,

C:  “How could you do that?!  That’s _way_ not fair!”

A:  “All right-- I suggest we continue this conversation when
we’ve both mellowed.  I’m outta here.”


I:  “Oh, I guess I love Sarpedon because he’s the most caring,
loving, sensitive man you ever want to meet.”

Sarpedon [S]:  “He’s also-- the luckiest man in the world.”

G:  “I guess that’s-- that’s Prince Sarpedon.”

J:  “What’s _he_ got that I haven’t got?”

G:  “Well, Princess Ileandra for starters, and-- muscles.”

J:  “OK, OK, OK.”

I:  “Umm-- I’d like you to meet my new friends.  This is
Gabrielle and-- what was your name again?”

J:  “Joxer, for the tenth time.”

I:  “Right-- they escorted us safely here.”

S:  “I thank you.”

I:  “Yes, thank you for everything.”

G:  “I’m glad we could bring you together.”

J:  “Bye-bye.”

G:  “Don’t you just love happy endings?”

J:  “Yeah-- but just once, I’d like to have a happy ending.”

G:  “Mmm.”


J:  “Wait a minute.  You’re saying I fought _all_ of them and

G:  “Yes-- maybe you hit your head, and that’s why you can’t

J:  “I don’t think so.”

G:  “Mmm.”

J:  “I think it was more like a warrior haze.”

G:  “A warrior haze?”

J:  “Yeah-- you know?  OK-- enemy’s coming at you; heart’s
pounding; your muscles are flexing.  Then your mind shuts down
and lets your body take over.”

G:  “Right.  Well, you seem fine, Joxer.  And Ileandra’s with
Sarpedon.  So I guess all’s well that ends well.”

A:  “Yoo-hoo!  Joxer-- over here.  You disappoint me, Joxer.  I
thought you’d cruise the hero wave with the happy couple.  You
know-- make sure they get home safely.”

J:  “Wait a minute.  You mean, Sarpedon and Ileandra need my

A:  “Duh!  Oh, and one other thing-- [rings bell]”

J:  “Your beauty inspires me to do the manliest of deeds.”

A:  “Ooh!  I am _so_ good; but when I’m bad, I’m better.”


I:  “I’m so happy to be with you.  I never wanna leave.”

S:  “Well-- why don’t we just get married now?”

I:  “Here?”

S:  “Sure-- the gods are smiling on us.  Our friends are here.
Why not?”

I:  “But we need a priest to bless our union.”

S:  “Yeah. Would, um-- that one there do?”

I:  “Oh, Sarpedon-- yes.”

J:  “Your eyes speak of desire.  Your lips of ecstasy.”

S:  “Hi, Joxer.”

J:  “Sarpedon.  [Laughs]”

S:  “You ready, my beloved?”

I:  “Ecstasy.”

S:  “Soon, my darling, soon.  Ileandra-- I have waited so long
for this moment, I can barely--”

G:  “Joxer!  Hah!  There you are.  Sorry.”

S:  “Ileandra, my love-- I tell you from the depths of my
soul,-- I love you.”

I:  “I love you-- not you-- him.”



S:  “Ileandra!  What is the meaning of this?!”

J:  “I think it’s as obvious as the-- deep azure which sparkles
in my lady’s eyes.  Ileandra-- has made her choice.”

S:  “How dare you come between us?”

G:  “Joxer, cut it out!”

J:  “Gabrielle-- a man must do what a man must do.”

[J and I fight]

J:  “Ah-uh.”

S:  “You will not take Ileandra from me.”

J:  “Oh.  You fight with passion, my friend-- I like that.  It’s
too bad you have no skill.”

S:  “This necklace-- is it a gift from you?”

J:  “A trinket-- most unworthy of my Ileandra’s beauty.  Where?
Who are the-- Gaby?  Ow!  No!  Stop!  Wait!  What’s the

S:  “You dare to ask me that, after giving Ileandra a gift of

J:  “Gift-- this?  Here-- take it!  You tangle with the wrong
man, my friend.  Go home, gallant [?] boy-- for your only crime
is-- that you love too well.”

I:  “Oh, you set me on fire.”

J:  “I know.”


C:  “That sucks.  Well, you’ve done it, Mom.  You’ve managed to
mess up yet another one of my perfect matches.  How can you call
yourself the goddess of love?”

A:  “Oh, get a grip, Cupie!  Love isn’t just about happy
endings.  There’s also jealous love, and-- unrequited love, and
tragic love.  And when you strip away all the tinsel, it’s
really just about hormones, isn’t it?  Don’t frown-- it’ll give
you lines.”


G:  “No, no, no!  No, look!  I don’t-- I don’t know what’s going
on-- whether it’s some sort of sickness or something.  But I’m
gonna find out.  And I’m gonna take you back to the man that you

I:  “I’m with the man I love.  Can’t you just leave us alone?
We’ll set the world aflame with our passion.”

J:  “Don’t fight the heart, Gabrielle.  It’s a powerful little

I:  “I want to become one with you.”

J:  “Hmm.”

I:  “Can’t we lose your sidekick?”

J:  “Sure.”

G:  “I think I’m gonna be sick.”


L:  “And you _allowed_ this man to disarm you-- and steal

S:  “He was an excellent swordsman, Father.  Perhaps even better
than you.”

L:  “He must be a hired man.  Perhaps King Baris didn’t favor
your marriage, after all.”

S:  “He was fierce and passionate.  A man like that can’t be

L:  “Can you be certain of that?  We will attack at dawn.”

S:  “No!  Ileandra went with him willingly.  She has feelings
for this warrior.  She’s made her choice.  I’m not gonna stand
in the way of her happiness.”

L:  “Prepare the men!”

Guard:  “For an attack on Baris’ kingdom?”

L:  “No, for an all-out search-- for the warrior named-- Joxer.”

Guard:  “Yes, sir.”

L:  “No one humiliates my son-- and gets away with it!”


G:  “Now, let’s go over this again.”

J:  “I already told you-- I know nothing of this bumbling idiot
of whom you speak.  I am the one and only Joxer.”

I:  “Isn’t he magnificent?”

J:  “Mmm.”

G:  “Ileandra-- Joxer-- look!  Now-- it has something to do with
the necklace.  Every time it rings, you change.  How about some
cold water?  This is ridiculous.  Don’t touch her, Joxer.  Cut
it out!”

I:  “Come here.”

G:  “Guys, stop it!  I’ve had enough of-- oh!  It’s gonna be a
long night.  Oh, this is so sick!”


G:  [Singing]  “He never needs a place to hide-- with Gaby as
his sidekick.”

Soldier’s Voice:  “Sire, we’ll find him!”

G:  “Sounds like a small army.”

I:  “It’s probably King Linius.  He’ll be furious I cancelled my
wedding with Sarpedon.”

J:  “Don’t be afraid, my love.”

G:  “Ileandra’s right.  They’re looking for someone.  Now, come
on-- maybe we can find another way out of here.”

J:  “You’re not suggesting we run, are you?”

G:  “Have you got a better idea?”

J:  “Hmm-- we stand and fight.”

G:  “Joxer-- I don’t think that’s wise.”

J:  “Whatever happens-- our love will never die.”

G:  “No, but he might.”


L:  “Hold up!”

J:  “Look no further-- I am Joxer.”

L:  “Stay together!  He’s a dangerous man.  Forward!”

J:  “Come!  Your destiny lies at the point of my sword.

G:  “Joxer, what are you doing?  Don’t be a fool.”

J:  “Oh, sold-- oh, oh.”  [Faints]

G:  “Uh-oh.”



G:  “Joxer!”

L:  “Take them back to Amphis [?]  They’re to be executed for
threatening the peace.”

I:  “Wait!  They’re my friends.”

L:  “You’re lucky I don’t sentence you to the same fate-- you
harlot!  Take them!”

G:  “Joxer!”

Sold:  “Up you go!”

G:  “Joxer!”


I:  “It was all a mistake.”

L:  “Yes, and the mistake was yours.  You toyed with my son’s
heart when all the while, you loved another.”

I:  “Please, King Linius, let me try to explain.”

L:  “Don’t bother!  You obviously chose that... I won’t let my
son be humiliated this way!”


J:  “Wow-- did you hear that?  Ileandra’s really in love with
me.  She chose _me_ over Sarpedon.”

G:  “No, Joxer.  She chose the other one-- the other Joxer.  The
one who just stupidly beat Sarpedon in Battle, and then romanced
Ileandra from under his nose.”

J:  “Wow,  I really did that.  No wonder they put me in these
chains.  There’s no telling what I might do!  Wow, this warrior
haze is really great.  I’m gonna put myself under again.”

G:  “Knock it off!”

J:  “Ooh!  Oww!”

G:  “You can’t control it, Joxer.  You’re under some sort of--
hypnotic spell, or something.  Any bell ringing transforms you.
Not just the necklace.  Where did you get it?”

J:  “I don’t remember.”

G:  “Well, think about it.  Did anything unusual happen to you
that morning?”

J:  “Uhhh-- I woke up, and I ate breakfast.”

G:  “After that?”

J:  “Um-- um-- yeah, I, ah-- found you-- um-- guarded your rear,
met Aphrodite, had a pomegranite-- it had a lot of seeds.  I
don’t like the kind with--”

G:  “Wait a minute.  Did you say you met Aphrodite?”

J:  “Yeah-- she was hot, too.”

G:  “Well, she must want to break up Ileandra and Sarpedon.  And
she’s using you to do it.  I’m gonna find her.”

J:  “Hey!  I know what you’re gonna do.  You’re gonna find a
bell to ring, so I can get out of these chains, aren’t you?”

G:  “Hah.  No, no, no.  No-- you’re becoming a super-sexy
warrior is what got us into this mess.”

J:  “I’m disappointed in you, Gabrielle.”

G:  “What?”

J:  “I think you’re jealous.  I can understand that.  I mean--
you wanna be the hero so bad, you can’t stand the thought of me
saving the day.  Gabrielle, there’s nothing wrong with being a

G:  “Glad you like it, Joxer.  You’ll make a great sidekick.
Just-- hang in there and keep the faith.”

J:  “I’m not a sidekick; I’m a hero!  


Joxer the Mighty 
roams through the countryside,
he never needs a place to hide.
With Gaby as his sidekick,
 fighting with her little stick.
 Righting wrongs and singing songs.
 Being mightly all day long.
 He's Joxer, he's Joxer the Mighty.
 Oh, he's Joxer the Mighty,
 he's really tidy.
 Everybody likes him
 'cause he has a funny grin.
 Joxer!   He's Joxer the Mighty!


B:  “Enter!  Do you have word of Ileandra?”

Guard:  “Yes, King Baris.  The Princess has been taken to Amphis
by King Linius and his personal guard.”

B:  “His guard?  Why did he need soldiers?  And where is
Sarpedon?  Prepare my horse!  I’m going to Amphis to get my


G:  “Aphrodite?  Aphrodite.  I’d-- I’d like to talk to you.  If
you can hear me--”

A:  “Could you be any more clumsy?!  This is like a brand-new

G:  “Aphorodite.”

A:  “Mmm.  You’re that goody-two-shoes that hangs around my boy,

G:  “Gabrielle.”

A:  “Mmm.”

G:  “Ah, Joxer is the reason that I’m here.  Look, you have got
to take the spell off of him-- and everybody else.”

A:  “Why should I do that?”

G:  “Now, I’m sure there’s a reason why you’re doing this.  But
it can’t be worth breaking up Ileandra and Sarpedon.  They’re in
love.  That _is_ what matters to you most, isn’t it?”

A:  “Ah, gosh-- she sounds like you, Cupid.”

G:  “Cupid-- can you talk her out of this?”

C:  “What’s your name, little girl?”

G:  “Gabrielle.”

C:  “Gabrielle.  Well, Gabrielle, when the goddess of love
decides to do something petty and spiteful, she can be a tad
difficult to reason with.”

G:  “So you’re going to let an innocent man die?”

A:  “Oh, come on!  No one’s really innocent.  Well-- maybe you.
Besides-- I can’t break the spell.  If I did, everyone would
think I was pressured into it by some mortal.  My goddess stock
would plummet.”

G:  “But--”

A:  “I gotta bail.  Bodacious waves at Naxos.  Later.”

G:  “If I can get her to break the spell, can you set everything
straight again?”

C:  “Sure, but-- there isn’t anything you can do about it.”

G:  “Oh, no.  Get those arrows of yours ready.”


J:  “Hey, where’re you taking me?!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Joxer?”

S:  “How could you do this to me, Joxer?”

J:  “What?!”

S:  “How could you steal the only woman I have ever loved?”

J:  “I didn’t mean to.”

S:  “Yeah-- sure.  That’s what all you great warriors say, but
you always have to end up with the most beautiful women, don’t
you?  Tell me, Joxer, what’s your secret?”

J:  “Well, I-- try to eat right, exercise, although, uh-- I do
get a little constipated sometimes.  You know?”

L:  “Having found the accused guilty of threatening the peace--
I hearby sentence him to public execution-- pubishment to be
carried out forthwith.”

J:  “Oh, ah, ah-- listen.  Why don’t we talk about this?  I um--
we could have lunch.  There’s a great place right near Akmar the
meat man.  Gabrielle, where are you?!”

I:  “Sarpedon, please-- stop this insanity.  I don’t love Joxer.
I never did.  I love you and only you.”

S:  “You would say anything to save Joxer’s life right now.  I
have seen you with him, Ileandra.  I know you love him.”

I:  “No-- it was all a mistake.”

J:  “Wait, wait!  I have a last request.  I’d, um-- love to hear
to the sound of a bell ringing.  Call me sentimental, but, ah--”

L:  “Denied!”

J:  “What a gip-- no last request.  I’m gonna notify the
executioners’ guild!”

L:  “Off with his head!”

G:  “Excuse me.”



J:  “Wait!  I regret-- that I have but one life to give for,
for-- whatever it is I’m giving it for!  Oooh!  Hah!  You’ve
gotta work on your aim, my friend.”

[Fight throughout]

J:  “Perhaps you used the wrong end.  Hah-hah!  For

G:  “Excuse me.  Hello.”

S:  “I’m sorry.  My love, for you is still as strong.  I would
gladly die for you.”

I:  “Oh, you’re so noble.  But, would you mind moving?  I really
must watch him fight.”

J:  “Enough of this play.”

B:  “Are you all right?  What--?”

X:  “Don’t even bother.”

J:  “Well-- King Linius.  What an honor it is to meet a man
known as the greatest swordsman in the kingdom.  I do hope that
reputation is not-- unwarranted.”

L:  “You’ve met your match.”

J:  “You’re right.  You’re able to-- parry anything I-- throw at
you-- with my left hand.  But I’m right-handed, you see.  Well--
this makes it interesting.  Missed me!  Hah-hah!”

G:  “Take the fight into the temple!”

J:  “As you wish.”

G:  “Ahhh!  That was scary.”

A:  “Exsqueeze me!  There’s no fighting in my temple!  That was
a statue of me!”

G:  “Not anymore.  You can end this.”

A:  “The only way to end it is to take the spell off Joxer.”

G:  “Well?”

A:  “Dream on.”

J:  “Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

A:  “Not my vase from Thrace!”

G:  “Take off the spell.  Take off the spell.  You’re the
goddess of love.  Love is soft and gentle.  It’s not violent and

A:  “You don’t know much about love, do you?”

G:  “I know it’s not war.  Now, look what they’re doing to your

A:  “All the more reason I don’t wanna lose my other temples.”

G:  “If you don’t stop this, I’ll take Joxer on a tour of all
your temples.”

A:  “All right, I give.  He’s the idiot full time, again.”

J:  “Where am I?”


I:  “Gabrielle.  Thank you for everyting.”

S:  “You’re a real hero.”

G:  “I’m just an over-achieving sidekick.  Remember, that love
is about trust and giving.  It’s not about-- anger and

A:  “She really doesn’t get it, does she?”

C:  “Maybe, she gets it better than any of us.”

J:  “Hey-- where’d this come from?  I’m sorry-- is this yours?”

S:  “Goodbye.”

G:  “Congratulations.”

J:  “Are they afraid of me?”

G:  “They are.”

J:  “Oh-- No, they’re not.  They’re disgusted with me.”

G:  “Oh.”

J:  “You know-- now I know what it’s like to be admired by
beautiful women and brave men.  Now that things are back to
narmal, I know what I am-- I’m a big phoney.”

G:  “That’s not true.”

J:  “Stop it, Gabrielle.  You’re the hero here-- even I know
that.  I don’t even rate great sidekick.  Go on back to Xena.  I
don’t know why I’m hanging out with you guys.  I don’t know why
I convinced myself I ever could.”


X:  “Hi, Joxer.”

J:  “Hi, Xena.  Come to get a laugh at my expense?  I can’t
blame you if you did-- that’s all I’m good for.”

X:  “Gabrielle told me all about what happened.  You did some
very brave things.”

J:  “Yeah, but that wasn’t me.”

X:  “That’s where you’re wrong.”

J:  “What do you mean?”

X:  “The gods can’t give us anything that isn’t in our hearts.
Aphrodite just used what was already there.  The real Joxer may
not be the best swordsman around, but he’s always had the heart
of a lion.”

J:  “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

X:  “You calling me a liar?”

J:  “No.”

X:  “Well, then-- like I said.”


G:  “How’d it go?”

X:  “I cheered him up.”

G:  “Good-- I hated to see him so sad.  You know-- now that he
knows the truth, I guess he’ll never be as deluded as he used to
be.  Huh!”

J:  “Joxer the lion-hearted is ready for action!”

G:  “Maybe not.”

J:  [Sings]   “Joxer the Mighty;
he's very tidy.
Everyone admires him.
He's so handsome, it's a sin.
If you're in jeopardy,
don't call the cavalry.
There's a better remedy.
(Although he doesn't work for free!)
He's every man's trustee;
he's every woman's fantasy.
Plus, he's good with company.
It's Joxer--
I’m Joxer the Mighty!  Hah-hah!”



“Blood-- valor-- and victory!  Hah-hah!
Joxer the Mighty;
he's very tidy. 
Everyone admires him.
He's so handsome, it's a sin.
When things get grim,
he'll take it on the chin.
If you're in jeopardy,
caused by the enemy,
don't call the cavalary.
There's a better remedy.
Although he doesn't work for free.
He's every man's trustee;
he's every woman's fantasy.
Plus he's good with company.
Look out!  He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty.  
Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!

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