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“Ulysses”  Episode 43/219


G:  “Isn’t it beautiful?”

X:  “Yeah, it’s all right.”

G:  “It’s all right?  You have to learn to smell the flowers.”

X: “What flowers?”

G:  “That’s an expression.  You have to enjoy the peaceful
moments in life.  You know, everything can’t be an adventure all
the time.  Like right now.  I want you to close your eyes, and
just listen.”

X:  “To what?”

G:  “To nature speaking to us.  It’ll give you a wonderful sense
of peace.  Close your eyes.  What do you hear?”

X:  “Seagulls.”

G:  “OK, now, what do you-- what do you feel when you think of

X:  “I feel irritated because they’re so noisy.”

G:  “What else do you hear?”

X:  “Ahh-- the sea.”

G:  “OK, now what do you-- what do you think of when you hear
the peaceful grandeur of the sea?”

X:  “I think how glad I am to be on dry land.”

G:  “You’re so practical!  Because, Xena, the sea is a beautiful
expression of nature.”

X:  “Mmm.”

G:  “Now, I want you to concentrate on the sound of the waves
beating against the shore, and I want you to have a sense of
peace!  All right?”

X:  “OK.  I’ll try.”

G:  “What do you feel?  The sea makes you draw your sword.”

X:  “No, but the sound of a battle does!”


[Ulysses fighting bad guys]

G:  “Three against one.  Aren’t we gonna help him? What are you

X:  “Ah, following your advice.”

G:  “What do you mean?”

X:  “Just smelling the flowers.”

G:  “Smelling the flowers.  That’s great.”

X:  “OK-- now we help him.”


[Xena and Gabrielle join the fight]

X:  “Name’s Xena.”

Ulysses [U]:  “Ulysses-- thanks for the help.”

X:  “Ahh-- It’s my pleasure.”

U:  “Grab on.”

G:  “Go on!”

X:  “Those guys don’t like you very much, Ulysses.”

U:  “They don’t even know me.  They owe their allegiance to
someone who doesn’t want me to reach my kingdom.”

X:  “And where is your kingdom?”

U:  “Ithaca.”

G:  “You’re _that_ Ulysses?  He’s the _king_ of Ithaca.”

X:  “Oh.”

G:  “I’ve-- I’ve heard it’s a very beautiful island.”

U:  “It is.  But I’m afraid it won’t be for very long.”

G:  “Why?”

U:  “Those pirates we were fighting have been promised it as
their spoils if they should keep me from reaching home.  If they
get control of Ithaca, they’ll turn it into a wasteland.”

X:  “Well, I think we’ve just proved that they can be beaten.”

U:  “Yes, but their lord is much more formidable.”

...............G:  “Yeah.”                                            
X:  “We’ve been up against some pretty formidable guys ^

U:  “Not like this one.”



Poseidon  [Pos]:  “Xena, stay out of this.  My nephew, Ares, has
a fondness for you.  I won’t be as patient with you meddling in
_my_ affairs.”

X:  “What have you got against Ulysses, Poseidon?”

Pos:  “He blinded my son, Polyphemus.”

X:  “You blinded a Cyclops?  I’ve done the same, myself.”

Pos:  “What was that?!”

X:  “Poseidon, if you’ve heard about my dealings with Ares,
you’ll know that I’m not afraid of the gods.  This man is the
rightful ruler of Ithaca, and I plan to help him get home!”

Pos:  “Ulysses, don’t let this woman die in a lost cause.
There’s nothing left for you in Ithaca, now that you’re wife’s
dead.  Give up hope of ever seeing your homeland again and start
a new life.”

U:  “Never,  Poseidon!  Ithaca needs me.  And I won’t leave it
to the mercy of your pirates.”

Pos:  “Then, so be it.  Ithaca is an island.  The only way to
reach it is through my domain-- the sea.  You’ll both feel its
deadly power.  Have a nice voyage.


U:  “This cave has been my home since the pirates captured my
ship and killed the last of my crew.”

X:  “How did you come to blind Polyphemus?”

U:  “On the way back from Troy, we stopped at Polyphemus’

X:  “That doesn’t sound wise.”

U:  “We needed  food.  We were hungry.  Unfortunately, so was
that one-eyed monster.”

X:  “Huh.”

G:  “He tried to bite off more than he could chew, I take it.”

U:  “Yep.  I definitely wasn’t on his diet.”

X:  “First thing we need to do is get your ship back.”

U:  “They’re keeping it in a harbor not far from here.  I’ll get
the rest of my things, and we can move on.”

X:  “Ulysses-- there’s something you should know.  At Troy--”

U:  “You fought with the Trojans against us.”

X:  “My only interest there was to stop the war and help my
friend, Helen.”

U:  “That war was madness-- ten senseless bloody years.  It’s
behind me, now.  The only enemies I recognize today are those
who stand between me-- and Ithaca.  I welcome your help.”

G:  “What a man.”

X:  “Well.”


U:  “Good  move.  If I was the enemy, though, your friend would
be dead.”

X:  “Wrong.  I heard you when you moved behind that oak, there.
If you’d have moved toward her, I would have adjusted.  How’s it
look with the ship?”

U:  “It’s swarming with pirates.  They’re heavily armed, have
several lookouts, and the advantage of position.  It should be a
cakewalk for us.”

X:  “Wait until dawn?”

U:  “I was thinking the same thing, myself.”

X:  “Poseidon mentioned your wife.  I’m sorry-- it’s--”

U:  “Mmm, don’t be.  I haven’t had the chance to talk to anyone
about it.  She must have set out in search for me.  Poseidon
trapped her in a storm and destroyed her ship.  Several
fishermen told me they saw the wreck-- that there was no chance
for survivors.  It’s funny, the-- the last time I saw her, she
was a child-- only 17 when we fell in love and married.  Then I
went off to fight at Troy.  I think of her all the time.”

X:  “You’ll find love again, Ulysses.”

U:  “Maybe.”

G:  “I’m thirsty.”


Pirates:  “Get a man on the poop deck!”  “Tie up that sail!”
“Check the rigging!”

G:  “Hey, boys!”

Pirate:  “Ooh!  Look at that!”

G:  “You know where I can find any real men?”


[Dance of the three veils]

Pirates:  “Over here!”  “Turn around!”  “Oh-- oh, yeah!”  “Yeah,
come here, baby.”  

G:  “Oh-- sorry!  Oh!”

Pirate:  “So, you _like_ it rough, do you?”

G:  “Love it!”

X:  “Hey, boys.  I want in on the fun, too.”

Pirates:  “Xena!”  “Xena!”  “Get her!”

[Long fight]

[Bagpipe music]

Pirate:  “Swim for it!  Hey, baby, now I’ve got’cha!”

X:  “Ulysses, no!”

Pirate:  “Prepare to die!”



Pirate:  “Prepare to die, Ulysses!”

X:  “It’s not bad.”

U:  “Easy for you to say.”

X:  “You didn’t need to do this.  I would’ve gotten it with my

U:  “Now you tell me.”  

X:  “I’m gonna have to push this all the way through.  It’s
gonna hurt.”

U:  “As if it hasn’t been hurting up to now?  That’ll wake you
up in the morning!”

X:  “Where do you think you’re going?”

U:  “I have to free the sail and man the helm, or we’ll run
aground or worse.”

X:  “I’ll tie off the wheel.  That’ll keep us on course until
you get your legs back.”

U:  “You can sail a ship, too?”

X:  “I have many skills.”

U:  “What a woman.”


U:  “I’d like to see that chakram in action.  I’ve never seen
one before.”

X:  “Yeah, I guess it’s unique to me.”

U:  “I have something like that back home in Ithaca-- a weapon
only I can use.”

X:  “What is it?”

U:  “A bow.”

X:  “A bow-- What’s so special about it?”

U:  “It’s made of the hardest ironwood.  It’s so powerful, it
can send an arrow through three warriors.” 

X:  “Mmm.  I sure hope that doesn’t get into the wrong hands.”

U:  “I wouldn’t worry about that.  I’m the only one who can
string it.”

X:  “Sounds like a good safeguard.  But why’d you leave it in

U:  “It’s an ancient heirloom of my family.  Tradition forbids
ever taking it from the island.”

X:  “Mmm.”

U:  “For someone who’s so good at splitting heads, you have a
very gentle touch.”

X:  “Like I said--”

U:  “Yeah, I know-- You have many skills.  And I appreciate you
using them on my behalf.  I’ll drop you off at the next port and
be on my way.”

X:  “You need a crew, don’t you?”

U:  “I’ll recruit a couple of local adventurers.  I’ve rigged
this ship so that a crew of three can man her.”

X:  “By my count, you have three now.”

U:  “I couldn’t ask you to--”

X:  “You didn’t.”

U:  “We’d be going up against a god.  Your friend--”

G:  “-- goes where Xena goes.”

X:  “I learned a long time ago not to try and leave her out of

G:  “Besides, I’ve always wanted to see Ithaca.”

X:  “Of course, if you don’t want us to come--”

U:  “No-- I want you to come.”

G:  “I have this funny feeling in my stomach.  I guess it’s what
they call seasickness, huh?  It’ll pass.”


U:  “This is Ithaca-- and this is where we are.  We’ll be out on
the open sea for several days.  Poseidon will hit us with
everything he’s got. Every time I’ve tried to run that gauntlet,
the storms were so bad, I had to turn back.”

X:  “Why don’t we move along this chain of islands here-- and
then we can leapfrog from island-to-island and shelter from the

U:  “Well, that’d be perfect, except we’d have to pass the
island of the Sirens.”

G:  “Sirens?  Their song is said to call all men who hear it to
their death on the rocks of the island.”

X:  “All men-- I’m not a man.”

U:  “Yeah, I’ve noticed.  So, do you think you can get us past
the Sirens?”

X:  “Yeah, I do.”

G:  “Hmm-- I think I’ll get some fresh air.  This bobbing up and
down in one place is-- kind of getting to me.  Ahh.  Yeah.  Once
we get on the high seas, I’m gonna feel much better.  Yep.”

U:  “Is she going to be all right?”

X:  “Oh, yeah.”

U:  “Right.”


G [Throws up]:  “That’s better.”

[Gabrielle throws up]

X:  “Hey, Gabrielle, how’s it hanging?  Yep, the peaceful
grandeur of the sea sure has a kick to it, doesn’t it?  Maybe
you should just close your eyes and smell the seagulls.”

G:  “Xena, I will remember that, in my moment of misery, you
chose levity rather than sympathy.”

X:  “Aah, don’t lose your sense of humor.  You’re gonna need it
in rough seas.”

G:  “This isn’t rough?”

U:  “Look!  Poseidon’s about to hit us with some serious
weather!  It’s going to get rough by nightfall!”

G:  “Ahh.  Xena?  Would you mind knocking me unconscious?”


U:  “If we can get past this storm, we’ll be able to use the
islands for cover!  Ah, what are you doing?  Whoa!”

X:  “Tying you up!”

U:  “All right, I’m game.  What do you have in mind?  Ow!”

X:  “Saving your life-- I told you I’d get you past the island
of the Sirens, didn’t I?”

G:  “Please-- Kill me.”


Pos:  “Sirens-- Listen to me.  Ulysses is approaching.  You know
what you’re to do?”

Siren:  “Yes, my lord.”


[Sirens’ song]

Ulysses:  “You hear it?  It’s so beautiful.  I must go to it.
They’re calling _me_-- to ecstasy.”  

G:  “Think of something else, Ulysses-- like-- discus-throwing.”

Ulysses:  “Gabrielle-- please-- undo me.  I have to go.”

G:  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.  Ulysses, what are you
doing?  Ulysses.”


X:  “Ulysses, no!”

X:  “Don’t listen to them!”



[Xena sings against the Sirens]

U:  “Xena?  Did I do that?”

G:  “Yeah.”

U:  “I’m so sorry.”

G:  “No, no, no, no.  Don’t-- don’t apologize.  It was good for
me. The fear that my leg was broken took my mind off my
stomach-- for a while.”

U:  “You saved us all.”


X:  “I was just about to bring you something to eat.”

U:  “Don’t tell me you’re good with food, too.”

X:  “Well, if it’s possible to mess up bread and cheese, I
probably did.”

U:  “Well, that’s all right, ‘cause I have a great cook in

X:  “Oh.”

U:  “I mean, if you’re planning on staying on in Ithaca for any
time, I’ll make sure that you and Gabrielle are well fed.  So,
do you think you might be staying on for a while?”

X:  “Well, I don’t want to get in the way of your homecoming.”

U:  “No, you wouldn’t.  You’d be the best part about it.  Xena,
I don’t know how to say this.  And I’m sure I’m gonna say it all
wrong.  I mean, I haven’t known you very long, and yet-- in the
short time that, I feel that we’ve sp-- I think I’m falling in
love with you.  I know I’m moving fast, but I’ve never felt like
this about any  woman.  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking-- What
about my wife?  I was just a boy when I was with her.  And we
were both very shy.  I felt like I never really knew her.
Sometimes at Troy when I would think of her, I’d wonder if it
was her I loved so much, or my ideal of her.”

X:  “No,  I’m sure she was very special.”

U:  “She was-- very.  Yet, with you-- I feel like I’ve known you
all my life.  Do you think I’m crazy?”

X:  “I don’t know.  She believes that everyone has a soulmate on
earth made just for them.”

U:  “Yes-- yes, that’s exactly how I feel-- like I’ve found my


U:  “So, do you think you might want to stay on in Ithaca for a
while, and-- see how things turn out?”

X:  “I don’t know.  I’d have to think about it.”

U:  “Of course.  Of course, I, uh-- I better get back to the
helm.  Why don’t you get some rest?”


X:  “Feeling any better?”

G:  “No, but I’ve gotten used to being miserable.  Xena, you
know it’s pretty obvious how he feels about you.  How do you
feel-- about him?”

X:  “You don’t sleep as sound as I thought.”

G:  “It’s this torture chamber.”

X:  “Well, sometimes on ship it helps to lie on your stomach.”

G:  “Now, hey, don’t change the subject.  I need to know.
Promise me one thing?”

X:  “What?”

G:  “You’ll follow your heart-- and don’t worry about me.”

X:  “You’re part of my heart.”

G:  “Xena, do you remember what you told me when-- when Perdicus
asked me to marry him? You said that seeing me happy would make
you happy.  I feel the same way.”

X:  “Gabrielle, you’ve been so good for me.  I don’t think I
would ever have let myself feel the way I feel now about Ulysses
if it wasn’t for you teaching me how to love.”

G:  “Did you say love?”

X:  “Yeah, I guess I did.”

G:  “I guess we’ll be staying on awhile in Ith--”

U:  “Ithaca.  Ithaca!”

G:  “Land!  Thank the gods!”


U:  “I’m home.”

G:  “Ah!  Mmm!  Mmm!  Mmm!  Dry land.  Ahhh.”


U:  “See that hill?  My friends and I would play king of the
mountain there.  I remember it being so much bigger.  And look--
look at this tree.  I carved that when I was five.”

X:  “Oh.”

G:  “What is it?”

U:  “It’s an eagle-- it was my favorite animal growing up.”

X:  “It looks more like a fish to me.”

U:  “Hey-- I was five.  Funny-- Nothing seems quite the same.”



G:  “Hey!”

Pirates:  “Run!  Come on!”

U:  “Hello, Metacles.”

Metacles [Met]:  “I’m sorry, I don’t--Ulysses?  Can it really be
you? Are you a ghost?”

U:  “Not yet.  I’m flesh and blood, my friend!”

Met:  “We heard you were dead.  Thank the gods you’re here!”

X:  “The gods have nothing to do with it.”

U:  “Metacles, these are my friends, Xena and Gabrielle.
Metacles grew up with Penelope and I.  We were-- we were as
close as three people could be.  What’s the matter, my friend?
A few hard knocks make you cry?”

Met:  “It’s a tear of joy, Ulysses.  I’m so happy you’re back--
to reclaim your kingdom; be reunited with your wife.”

U:  “My wife?  But, Metacles, Penelope is dead.”

Met:  “No, Ulysses-- I saw her just an hour ago.  She’s sad,
but, very much alive.”



Met:  “Your home isn’t what it used to be, Ulysses.  It’s
swarming with pirates.  They call themselves suitors to

U:  “Suitors?”

Met:  “Yeah.  Everyone here believes you’re dead, just as you
believed Penelope was dead.”

U:  “This is all Poseidon’s work.  He obviously wanted Penelope
and I to give up hope of ever seeing each other again.  The
fishermen who told me of her death must have done so at his

Met:  “Ulysses-- You must act quickly.  The pirates have created
such chaos in the kingdom, that the people are clammering for
Penelope to take a husband.”

U:  “Do you remember the old moat?”

Met:  “Of course.”

U:  “Does it still lead under the castle?”

Met:  “I don’t know.  There’s been a lot of cave-ins, lately.”

X:  “Let’s check it out.”


Pirate:  “Penelope-- Our lord, Poseidon wishes one of us to be
the lawful ruler of Ithaca.   You will choose who that wiill be,

Penelope [Pen]:  “The first man-- who can string this bow-- will
be my king.”


U:  “Gabrielle-- the servants’ quarters are up these stairs.”

G:  “OK.”

U:  “Grab some robes.”

U:  “Xena-- there’s something I want to tell you.”

X:  “Ulysses--”

U:  “I’ve spent the last ten years wanting to come home to my
beloved Ithaca.  But, I realize now, it’s not my home anymore.
The little boy that used to play here died a long time ago.  I’m
a man, now.”

X:  “What are you getting at?”

U:  “I don’t love Penelope.  I don’t know if I ever did.  I love
you-- more even than my homeland.  It’s not my kingdom anymore.
It’s hers.  When we clean these pirates out of Ithaca, I’d like
to travel with you and Gabrielle.”

X:  “I’m sorry, Ulysses.  I should have been more honest with
you the other day.”

U:  “What do you mean?”

X:  “I’m not in love with you.  I don’t think I ever could be.
I like my life the way it is.”

U:  “I don’t believe you.  I think you are in love with me.”
X:  “Well, isn’t that just a typical man?   I give you a few
smiles and a kiss, and you’re convinced that I’m in love with
you.  You’re kidding yourself.  I was embarassed with all that
mush you were spewing the other night.  The only reason I didn’t
shoot you down right then is because I didn’t think you could
handle it.  So let me lay it on the line for you, Ulysses--
You’re not my type.  I uh--”

G:  “I understand .”

X:  “He needs to decide whether he wants to stay here without
thinking about me.  He deserves a clean homecoming, and so does

G:  “What if he decides he doesn’t want to stay here?”

X:  “Well, after what I just said to him--”

G:  “Xena, eventually he’ll understand what you were doing.
He’s very smart.”

X:  “Yeah, he is.  Well, who knows?  Maybe the three of us could
do some good.”

G:  “Yeah, we could.”

X:  “We got work to do.”


A pirate:  “That’s fine.”

Pirates:  “You can do better.”  “Not me.”

U:  “Argus?  Go away, old boy.”

Pirate:  “This is impossible.  No one but Ulysses can string
this bow-- and he’s dead.”

U:  “I can do it.”
Pirate:  “A peasant?  String Ulysses’ bow?  I doubt that.”

U:  “It’s been said that anyone who can string the bow becomes
king of Ithaca.  Why can’t we peasants get a chance?”

Crowd:  “Yeah!”

Pirate:  “All right, take a try-- but just you.”

[Ulysses strings bow, with the surreptitious help of Xena]

Pirate:  “This is one of your tricks.  How can a peasant string
Ulysses’ bow?”

U:  “Because I am Ulysses-- King of Ithaca.”

Woman’s Voice:  “Ulysses?”

Pen:  “Ulysses?”

Pirate’s Voice:  “He’s alive!”

Pirate:  “But not for long!”


Woman’s Voice:  “It must be Ulysses!”

Pirate:  “Kill him!”

Pen:  “Ulysses.”

U:  “Penelope.”

X:  “Come on, Gabrielle.”


Sailor:  “That’ll hold!”

X:  “All right, let’s set sail!”

Sailor:  “Aye-aye, Xena!”

U:  “Hello, Xena.”

X:  “Hello, Ulysses.”

U:  “Xena, I wanna come with you.”

X:  “Ulysses.”

U:  “Now, enough with the tough talk.  I now know what you were
doing when you said those things.  You were giving me a fair
chance to get back with Penelope, and I’m-- I’m afraid it
backfired.  When I figured out what you were doing, I-- I loved
you more than ever.”

X:  “What about Penelope?”

U:  “I don’t love her, anymore.”

X:  “Does she love you?  She does.”

U:  “I don’t know if she loves me; I don’t know--”

X:  “Ulysses, your kingdom needs you.  Your wife needs you.
You’re home at last.  Whatever you feel toward me will pass.”

U:  “No, and I don’t think you’ll forget me, either.”

X:  “Maybe-- But I won’t take you away from your kingdom, or
your wife.  Goodbye, Ulysses.”

U:  “Xena, please.”

X:  “Go home.  Go home.”

G:  “How are you feeling?”

X:  “Oh-- splendid-- Well, maybe not splendid, but-- I’ll live.
He’ll learn to love her again.  She’s quite a woman, standing up
to those pirates all those years.”

G:  “Yeah-- she is.  Do you think that he knows that you helped
him with the bow?”

X:  “No-- I don’t think anyone knows, and I want it to stay that
way.  This is Ulysses’ story.  And for years the people of
Ithaca will talk about how he bent that bow.  It’s the way it
should be.”

G:  “But really you--”

X:  “I got a chance to make someone I care about happy.  That’s
the best reward you can have in life.  Bring her about!”

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