"The Furies" Episode 301/47
[TEASER]
Ares[A]: "I came here on business, Alecto."
Alecto: "I know-- Xena. You're obsessed with her."
A: "Call it what you will. I think I've made an excellent case
against her. I want a judgment-- now!"
Alecto: "Furies! Ares, god of War, has need of our judgment.
You've all heard his complaint against the Warrior Princess. How
do you judge? It's unanimous. The Furies have found Xena
guilty-- of all charges."
A: "The sentence?"
Alecto: "What will it be? Persecution or madness?"
A: "How about-- persecution and madness?"
Alecto: "It's-- highly unusual to do both."
A: "I'll be most appreciative."
Alecto: "It shall be done. Hear me, gods and goddesses. Xena,
Warrior Princess, has committed a terrible crime. She will be
punished by persecution-- and madness."
A: "Cool."
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G: "Ah, you're afraid."
X: "Yeah, I'm terrified. I just don't gamble."
G: "You don't gamble? Xena, who are we kidding here? Every day
of your life is a roll of the die."
X: "Well, what would we bet?"
G: "If I win-- you have to cook breakfast for me-- tomorrow
morning."
X: "You call that winning?"
G: "Good point. If I win, you have to collect all the firewood
for one week."
X: "And if I win, you have to make those little dumplings with
the red stuff inside. Oh, please."
G: "OK."
X: "Yeah."
G: "All right-- to that cypress."
X: "Wait. How big a lead did you say?"
G: "Three strides. One, two, three. OK. On your mark, get
set-- !
X: "Go."
G: "I win! That is cheating. OK, cheating's an overstatement."
X: "Hey, boys-- out for a morning hunt?"
Rufinus: "Yeah-- and you're the quarry, Xena."
X: "And why is that?"
Rufinus: "Well, there's a bounty on your head-- and _we_ plan to
collect it."
X: "You know, fellas, there are less painful ways of making a
dinar, but, um-- if you insist."
[Fight]
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Alecto: "Oh, demons of the soul, over Xena's reason roll.
Replace [?] sweet illusion with the poison of delusion. To Xena's
head do not be kind, for it's your job to make her lose her
mind."
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[Fight]
G: "Xena."
X: "Wait! I didn't mean to do that. Here. All right. OK. I
love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning."
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[ACT I]
G: "Go!"
X: "This thing is great! And to think I've only been using it
all these years as a weapon!"
G: "Xena, you're acting really strange."
X: "Don't be ridiculous, Mavis. Alley-oop, Argo! Hey, I like
this. I can see where I've been!"
G: [Snickers] "Xena-- now, that-- that warrior said that
there's a bounty on your head. Don't you wanna know what that's
about?"
X: "Love to. But I don't think he's gonna tell me anything."
G: "Why don't you put the pinch on him? [Snickers]"
X: "Hah! I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other
pertinent body parts. So, tell me-- how old were you when you
lost your virginity?"
G: "Xena."
X: "Shut up, Mavis-- this is important."
Rufinus: "Fourteen."
X: "Come on."
Rufinus: "OK, OK-- nineteen, nineteen."
X: "See, Mavis, all you have to do is act nicely."
G: "Quick! Tell us who put the bounty on Xena's head."
Rufinus: "The priest."
G: "What priest?"
Rufinus: "The temple of the Furies."
G: "The Furies?"
X: "All right, all right. Here's one for you. What is the
capital of Assyria?"
G: "Xena, take the pinch off him, now!"
X: "Well, all right-- but I think there's still more he could
tell us."
G: "Where are you going?"
X: "To get something to eat. I'm starved."
G: "What about the Furies?"
X: "They can get their own."
G: "Xena, I think something terrible has happened to you.
You're not thinking clearly."
X: "Well, you know how I am when I miss breakfast."
G: "No. Look. I think the Furies are punishing you for
something. Legend has it they punish with persecution-- which
explains the bounty-- and the madness."
X: "Madness?"
G: "Yes."
X: "I've never felt _better_!"
G: "Let's go to the temple of the Furies and find out what's
going on."
X: "No."
G: "Please, Xena-- Will you do it for me? Please?"
X: "OK. Go, horsey!"
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G: "There are many crimes which the Furies punish with madness."
X: "Why are you telling me this? I'm not crazy. What do you
think?"
G: "I think we have a serious problem, here, Xena."
X: "I could lose the daisies."
G: "It's not your look that I'm talking about. It's what's
going on inside your head."
X: [Laughs] "You don't wanna go there-- it's terrifying."
G: "Doesn't that concern you?"
X: "What do you think? It's too leafy?"
G: "I think I'm gonna get some sleep."
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G: [Whispers] "Xena."
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X: "Look at you-- the guilt, the shame. It's stamped on your
faces-- clear as mud. And I won't let you get away with it. I'm
here to avenge your heinous crimes. I've come to take
retribution!"
G: "Xena?"
X: "I've come to take retribution in flames!"
G: "What are you doing?"
X: "Delivering the wrath of justice. These people are evil
incarnate. They must burn."
G: "Xena, what have they done?"
X: "What have they done? Look, can't you see the women and
children?! They've crucified the women and children!"
G: "Xena-- Xena, the only people here _are_ women and children.
Xena, they're afraid of you."
X: [Cries]
G: [Whispers] "Give me the torch."
X: "I'm in trouble, aren't I, Gabrielle?"
G: "No-- we'll get through this. [Gabrielle covers Xena with a
blanket] Xena, we have to get to the temple of the Furies."
X: "The Furies-- right. I'm sorry."
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G: "Xena-- pull yourself together."
X: "Pull my finger."
Lysis: "Who's there?" Ah, the Warrior Princess. You've heard
about the bounty, I take it."
X: "The price on my head? Oh, yes. Well, if it's my head you
want, then take it, cause-- frankly, it's driving me crazy!"
G: "What's going on with my friend?"
Lysis: "The Furies have punished her with both persecution and
madness. They must be appalled by her crime."
G: "What is it?"
Lysis: "A breach of duty that the Furies are bound to punish."
G: "So, what does she have to do?"
Lysis: "Avenge the murder of a member of her family."
X: [Yells] "Anyone who says that I didn't avenge the murder of
my brother is a liar."
G: "Xena!"
X: "His killer died at my hands."
Lysis: "Not your brother."
G [I think]: "Who, then?"
Lysis: "Your father."
X: "My-- father?"
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[ACT II]
Lysis: "Yes-- he was murdered."
G: "By who?"
Lysis: "That I don't know. a's punishment will continue until
this crime is avenged."
G: "Xena-- do you wanna sit down? Xena! Wait! Come back!"
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X: [Running through the forest and hallucinating] "Bacchus.
Bacchus."
[Note: Xena babbles throughout the remainder of the scene. I've
inserted it as best as I could.]
G: "No! It's me! It's-- it's me. It's Gabrielle."
X: "To the gods."
G: "Now, put that down."
G: "Xena! Look."
X: "To the gods."
G: "Listen to me."
X: "We're worthless insects."
G: "Xena, I'm gonna help you."
X: "They're gonna kill us."
G: "I'll help you if you let me. I can help-- Xena, listen!
Xena-- we have to find out who _murdered_ your father!"
X: [Can't understand her.]
G: "Xena, if we can bring him to justice, we can satisfy the
Furies, Xena."
X: [Can't understand her.]
G: "This is what happened to Orestes! Xena, he didn't avenge
his father either!"
X: "You know, to the gods-- we are nothing but dirty little
beetles-- and they'll kill us for their sport. Well, I'm sorry,
Gabrielle; you can't come with me but-- I can't be trusted, you
know?"
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X: "You behave yourself. I'm rather _ashamed_ of you."
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X: You behave, or you don't get to come with us."
Rufinus: "She's coming right at us. Come on, guys. She's a
babbling idiot. She doesn't even know we're here."
[Xena defeats Rufinus' men, then walks off, and makes a crowing
sound.]
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Female Voice: "Xena."
Female Voice: "Oh, she looks so strange."
Male Voice: "What's wrong with her?"
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Cyrene: "Xena-- What happened?"
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G: "Cyrene-- "
Cyrene: "She's been driven mad-- by the Furies."
G: "She was able to tell you that?"
Cyrene: "No-- she's incoherent. But ever since I heard what the
Furies did to Orestes, I've been hoping against hope this day'd
never arrive."
G: "So, you know what happened to her father."
Cyrene: "He was murdered."
G: "Cyrene-- do you know who did it? Cyrene?"
Cyrene: "Yes."
G: "We have to know. Maybe, then, we can bring the murderer to
justice and satisfy the Furies."
Cyrene: "Gabrielle-- do you think that Xena-- even in this
state-- could kill her mother?"
G: "What?"
Cyrene: "I killed Xena's father."
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[ACT III]
Cyrene: "Xena was seven. Her father-- came home from the temple
of Ares--drunk--and angry. He told me Xena had to die. He was--
very confused, Xena. The priest at the temple must have told him
to sacrifice you to Ares. Your father was-- very dedicated to
the god of war. I told him that I wouldn't let him do that. He
said he'd-- kill me too, then. He went to the stables to sharpen
a knife. He was so-- methodical, the way he planned to kill his
own daughter. I took an axe and-- I stopped him."
G: "This is the same mess that Orestes was in."
Cyrene: "Yes, the-- circumstances are the same. His mother
killed his father, and so--his-- obligation, according to the
code of the Furies, was-- to kill his mother."
G: "Did it work?"
Cyrene: "I don't know. I heard he still lives in a village not
far from here-- Andreas."
G: "Maybe I can find him. Maybe I can find a way to get us out
of this."
Cyrene: "Perhaps."
G: "Then I'm off to Andreas. Xena? Look, I know you're in
there. Hey, we're gonna get through this. You know, we always
do."
X: "So Mama killed Papa. Doesn't matter. You were trying to
save my life, right? I should be grateful. But you have to
admit, you did put me in something of a jam, didn't you? I have
an interesting choice, now. I can kill you-- or-- I can spend
the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid
clarity. Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods
throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth?"
Cyrene: "What is the truth, Xena?"
X: "That life is a joke! It's a barroom joke at that! And you
know what the punchline is? The punchline-- is that no matter
what we do, we still end up as food for the worms. Mother, there
really is only one way out of this."
Cyrene: "Go ahead-- do it."
X: "Oh, no, no. You don't get out of it that easy. I leave
you to entertain the gods. I am retiring from the stage."
Cyrene: "Xena."
X: "Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills. If I stay
around here much longer, some innocent people are gonna get
killed. I'm doing them a favor."
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A: "Xena-- what are you doing?"
X: "Why am I not surprised to find that you have an interest in
all this?"
A: "Of course, I do. You're my favorite. I don't wanna see you
throw yourself off some cliff. If for no other reason, it's such
a-- tastelessly melodramatic way out of this life."
X: "Ah, but I'm quite batty, Ares-- and I have limited choices.
Madness is a rotten way to go through life."
A: "Now, Xena? Don't do that. There is another solution."
X: "Killing Mommy? No, I don't think so."
A: "Well, I heard what you said to your mother. And you were
right of course-- what you said about life."
X: "I was ranting."
A: "Like a prophet. Xena, you were never so close to the
truth."
X: "If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living,
this is not a good strategy."
A: "No-- life isn't worth living. It's to be taken, and beaten,
and wrestled, and formed in your image. That's where the meaning
lies-- in what you can twist life into. For those who just
endure life, yeah-- it is a very nasty joke. But for those who
form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the
way."
X: "I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense."
A: "This-- melodrama with your family-- put it all behind you.
You don't know how common it is for a jealous man to try and
punish his wife by hurting the child. Do you understand what I'm
saying to you?"
X: "Yes, I think I do."
A: "Satisfy the Furies. Give your mother to the worms. You--
are on the brink of ultimate freedom, Xena. Do it. You'll be
reborn into a world of true choice-- beyond good and evil. And
not only will you regain your sanity-- but you'll see the world
as few have seen it-- as a playground to your will. Now, do it."
X: "But how will the Furies know if I do it?"
A: "They'll know."
X: "But how?"
A: "They'll know."
X: "You expect me to trust you? I'm crazy; I'm not stupid. If
I'm gonna whack Mamma, I wanna get something out of it. I want
to know that the Furies are watching!"
A: "They'll see it. It's a god thing."
X: "I won't do it unless it's in front of the Furies!"
A: "All right-- it can be arranged."
X: "Good-- I'll get Mom."
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Cyrene: "Xena, you're all right."
X: "I'm anything but all right, Mother."
Cyrene: "Yes, of course. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Maybe Gabrielle'll find a-- "
X: "Stop it! Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without
me. She's a useless little pissant, really-- now that I see
things clearly."
Cyrene: "That's not true. And I don't think you're seeing
things clearly at all."
X: "No matter. I'm crazy and you're dead. Let's go."
Cyrene: "What are you saying?!"
X: "Don't push it with me, Mother."
Cyrene: "Xena-- if that's what you feel you have to do-- "
X: "Oh-- the self-sacrificing mother. That's such a tired
cliche'. Tell me, Mother. When you and Daddy were rolling
around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?"
Cyrene: "Please, Xena. Let's just get this over with."
X: "I have a right to know about the act that brought me into
this miserable world."
Cyrene: "I will not talk about that!"
X: "I'm losing patience with you."
Cyrene: "Your father was away at war. Suddenly, one night, he
was there with me. And, yes, it was good!"
X: "Thank you, Mother. As you say-- let's get this over with."
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G: "I don't understand. This is an asylum. Are you sure we're
talking about the same man?"
Keeper: "That's right. Here he is. See for yourself."
G: "Orestes? So he didn't do it."
Keeper: "Didn't do what?"
G: "He didn't avenge his father's murder."
Keeper: "Oh, yeah, he did. He killed his mother, Clytemnestra."
G: "But I thought that-- "
Keeper: "-- that he'd be liberated from his madness if he killed
his mother?"
G: "Yeah."
Keeper: "Ahh-- it's all a lie. If they persecuted him for not
avenging his father's murder, what were they going to do to him
for killing his mother? There was no way out for him."
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A: "Furies, hear me! I, Ares, god of war, demand your presence
at this act of redemption!"
Alecto: "She's the murderess? And the avenging party?"
X: [Yells]
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[ACT IV]
G: "Don't! Xena, it won't do any good!"
X: "Sometimes, that is the only way to shut her up."
A: "Is there a problem, Xena?"
X: "Why am I doing this?"
A: "She killed your father. You have to avenge his death or the
Furies will torment you for eternity. Yadda, yadda, yadda-- go."
X: "All right. She killed my father?"
A: "Yes! Murdered him in cold blood. Show her no mercy."
X: "But how could she kill my father when my father is very much
alive? Right, Daddy?"
A: "If you've noticed, she is crazy."
X: "Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd, and I might cut Mommy
up later, just for fun-- but not because she killed my father.
Because you're my father. Look at that hunk of burning love you
had, Mom."
A: "This is nonsense. Don't you think Cyrene might have
mentioned this before now?"
X: "That's not a very good explanation, Daddy. Gabrielle, tell
him. Do the bard thing."
G: "The legends say that-- Ares takes the form of his warriors--
and he visits their wives while they're away at battle."
X: "Mom, tell him."
Cyrene: "The night Xena was conceived, my husband came home
unexpectedly from war."
A: "This is ridiculous."
X: "Do you ladies eavesdrop on us whackos when you're tormenting
us?"
Alecto: "Frequently, yes."
X: "Did you hear that little chit-chat that Daddy and I had on
the cliff when he thought I was gonna throw myself over? Had you
going there, didn't I? Well, did you?"
Alecto: "Yes."
X: "You ladies do dress the part, don't you? Did you wonder why
Ares used the word 'jealous' when referring about my alleged
father?"
Alecto: "That was odd. Why jealous?"
A: "I mean, he was jealous in the attention Cyrene showed Xena.
It's a common phenomenon."
X: "Oh. Now, here's my theory. Ares and Mom do their thing;
she gets ripe with me; and then, shortly after that, her husband
comes home from war, and he thinks that his manhood did the
trick. Well, I pop out, and he thinks he's my father. Well,
things go on like this for years, and then one night, at the
Temple of Ares, someone-- maybe a drunken priest-- maybe you--
spills the beans. A jealous rage ensues. Mom does her thing
with the axe, and-- hah! Here we are."
A: [Laughs] "You're not buying any of this. I am _not_ the
father."
Alecto: "Why would he go to all this trouble just to drive you
insane?"
A: "Huh? Huh?"
X: "Because a mad Xena would be more sympathetic to his quaint
world view. And you were right. I meant it when I said that you
were beginning to make sense to me. But the best bit-- the best
bit of all-- and this is a proud daughter talking-- is when I
kill Mom-- thereby dooming myself forever to insanity and
complete dependence on you. I have ways to prove it."
Alecto: "What's that?"
X: "We fight. If I'm half god, I should be able to hold my own.
And if I'm not-- well, surely the god of war will win."
A: "This is ridiculous."
Alecto: "What are you afraid of, Ares?"
X: "Me [snickers]-- 'cause he knows that I'm half god and all
crazy."
[Fight throughout]
X: "Hey, come on, you two-- you're not gonna get it again, are
you? I'm gonna use you as a shield, Gabrielle-- just kidding. I
win! [Struts around, cheering herself] Well-- I think I've
proved my point. Girls, he's been giving you rotten fruit.
Well, as I was say, I think I've proved my point."
Alecto: "Agreed."
X: "Mother."
Alecto: "Zeus and the other gods will hear about this betrayal
of a sacred trust."
A: "Aah."
Alecto: "We'll talk later about the fruit."
A: "I've been on the outs with the family before. They need me.
You don't really think I'm your father, do you?"
X: "It doesn't matter. The Furies think you are. That's all
that counts."
A: [Claps] "That-- was brilliant. If I was your father, I'd be
very-- very proud of you. I still don't get what you see in
her."
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G: "Here."
X: "Great."
G: "Xena-- you knew what your mom would say-- about the night of
your conception. And you knew exactly what I would say. Well, I
don't know if I like being that predictable."
X: "I knew you were gonna say that."
Cyrene: "Xena-- your father."
G: "Um-- I'll collect some more firewood."
Cyrene: "I took him away from you."
X: "Mother."
Cyrene: "It seemed-- like the only way."
X: "I'm sure it was. I never really knew him. I-- the hardest
thing for me was giving up the hope."
Cyrene: "Hope."
X: "I kept hoping that maybe I'd run into him, somewhere.
Understand-- understand myself. I know that will never be."
Cyrene: "Can you ever forgive me?"
X: "There is nothing to forgive. You saved my life. I owe you
my thanks. I'm sorry that you had to carry this alone all these
years. We'll go on. We'll be stronger than before."
