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TRANSCRIPTION OF
THE DIRTY HALF DOZEN



"The Dirty Half Dozen"  Episode 49/303

[TEASER]

Athenian Soldier:  "Athena!  Wh-- why?  6000 men-- groups [?] of
Athens. 
My
men-- all gone."

Ares:  "He's behind you."

Athenian Soldier:  "What are you?  Where did your army come from?
For
Athena!"

Ares [Laughs]

Agathon [Ag]:  "Ha-ha.  Decent!"

Ares  [Laughs]:  Congratulations, Agathon.  Your army's done
well."

Ag:  "Well?  Six thou, man-- instant legend!  You and me-- we
work good
together.  And this metal?  There's no stopping me.  Oh-- of
course, that 
means no stopping you, War God."

Ares:  "I couldn't have given the metal of Haphaestus to just
anyone.  It's
time for the new generation to lead the old out of the darkness."

Ag:  "Classic-- but don't play salesman, Ares.  I know what you
want out of
me, and I'll give it to you.  'Cause, all I've ever wanted is to
rule the
world-- 
and this metal gives it to me."

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Woman's Voice:  "There he is."

Executioner's Ass't:  "Walsim-- murderer, assassin!  Killer!"

Woman:  "You killer, you! [?]"

Villagers:  "He's a killer!"  "Who is that?!"  "Fire!"  "He's
getting
away!"

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-----------


Walsim [Wal]:  "Hah!  How's it going, Xena?"

X:  "I was hoping you'd remember that trick.  I have a
proposition for you.
If you refuse, I take you back to the ax-man."

Wal:  "Sounds pretty one-sided-- and if I say yes?"

X:  "Chances are, you'll die.  We're going up against Ares."

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[ACT I]

Darnelle [Dar]:  "Ah, there was no proof I did it."

Jailer:  "He was stabbed with a spear.  You were holding it at
the time."

Dar:  "Well, if you wanna go technical on me.  How's it going,
roomies?"

Monlik [Mon]:  "You're just as dead as the rest of us."

Dar:  "Yeah, right.  Just remember that, for the time being."

Mon:  "I got no problem with shortening the time."

[Xena enters through grate]

Dar and Mon:  "Xena?!"

X:  "Darnell, Monlik?  Down there-- now!  Glaphyra?  I know
you're in
here."

Dar:  "Whoa!  There was a lady in here?"

Glaphyra [Gla]:  "I'm no lady."

X:  "Sorry, gentlemen-- this is a private party.  Don't follow
unless you
wanna be buried alive."

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Dar:  "Oooh-- nice collection."

Wal:  "OK-- I figure, we got three things in common.  We're all
killers; we
don't know each other; but, we all know you-- personally."

X:  "We don't have time for chit-chat or reminiscing, so I'll do
the
introductions.  Monlik here, was a master thief-- taught
Autolycus 
a thing or two.  Darnelle, I found in a small village-- trained
him up 
to be a gladiator.  He was an unbeatable killer."

Dar:  "Your training was good-- my talent was a gift."

X:  "And Walsim?  Walsim was the finest assassin I ever trained.
He
partnered with Thersites for a while."

Wal:  "You introduced him to me-- and I hear you offed him."

X:  "Glaphyra?  Glaphyra, when I met her, was eager to see the
world.  She
ended up a slaver-- selling men to traders from the south."

G:  "Just men?"

Gla:  "I specialize-- but none of this explains why you brought
us here."

Wal:  "Ares-- she wants us to go up against Ares."

X:  "If you agree, it's your chance at freedom-- maybe even to
start again.
If not, I take you back to prison."

Dar:  "Going up against the god of war is insane.  There's
something you're
not telling us. What is it?"

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Mon:  "There must be thousands of them over these hills-- the
Athenian
infantry."

Gla:  "They're all like that-- swords, shields, armor-- cut right
through.
What could do this?"

X:  "We're about to find out."

[Fight]

Dar:  "Where'd you learn _that_?!"

G:  "I'm a princess-- !"

X:  "Walsim, you can't rely on your weapon!  It's useless!"

Ares' Men:  "Come on!"  "Back to the forge!"

X:  "We'd better get going.  They'll be back soon with
reinforcements."

Wal:  "Wait a minute.  What was that?  What were their weapons
made of?"

X:  "That's the metal of Hephaestus.  Ares stole the secret and
gave it to
a
warlord named Agathon.  That's what we're up against."

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Ag:  [Yells, then laughs at a forge-worker]:  "Make sure the
edges are
sharp."

Ares:  "Now, all you gotta do is find an army."

Ag:  "You kiddin' me?!  Once word gets out about that Athenian
gig, I'll
have bad boys bustin' down the gates to join in.  That trick took
only 
a few hundred.  So, what do you say, we march on Athens in a
month?"

Ares:  "There's a fire in you I really like, but-- don't be too
much of a
hurrier-- "

Ag:  "Yeah, yeah, I'm not like Callisto-- I can pace myself, War
God. 
Whoa!
Nice 'ceps! Do you work out, or are all you gods cut?"

Ares:  "You have something else to deal with-- Xena-- she's on
her way."

Ag:  "Xena?"

Ares:  "Yeah."

Ag:  "The former number one Ares femme-- the owner of the-- of
the
chakram?"

Ares:  "Others have made the mistake of underestimating her."

Ag:  "No, no, no, no, War God-- nobody underestimates Xena.  They
underestimate you. You've got a-- hot spot for the killer babe,
and 
when push comes to shove, you follow your, uh-- _lower_
instincts-- 
know what I mean?"

Ares  [Ares-laugh]:  "You are smarter than you look-- and you're
not
frightened of me. It's annoying, but-- it sets you apart from the
others 
I've dealt with."

Ag:  "Except Xena.  She didn't cut you any slack, either.
Whatever-- I
need
your word, or whatever it is that binds you god-types."

Ares:  "Xena's time with me has ended.  I won't intervene."

Ag:  "Good-- Whoa!  Ha-- 'cause I'm-- gonna kill her."

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[ACT II]

X:  "It's getting late.  We'll stay here for the night."

G:  "OK.  All right-- OK, we need to build a fire pit, grab some
wood, and,
um-- get some water for the morning-- or I can do it."

X:  "Glaphyra and Monlik, start unpacking the tents; Walsim, dig
the fire
pit; Darnell, you're on wood patrol.  Move it.  Here."

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X:  "It is gonna be a long night.  I'll have to stay up and keep
an eye on
them."

G:  "You afraid they might run?"

X:  "Well that, and their habit of killing people."

G:  "Huh!  Why don't you do a rotation?  Each one can take a turn
watching
the other? Murderers guarding murderers-- that's not a good
idea."

X:  "Maybe not."

G:  "Can I ask you something?  These people-- all of 'em-- were
they
murderers before you met them?  I mean, it seems like, maybe
they-- "

X:  "Gabrielle-- it was me.  I changed them. Before they met me,
they
were-- " 

G:  "They were like me-- real people-- maybe even good people.
Walsim--
I--
I could see him as a farmer at one time."

X:  "He was a carpenter."

G:  "I wonder, what would have happened if I had met you before--
before--
you know-- "

X:  "Gabrielle, I could never see you as being evil.  There is a
difference
between them and you."

G:  "What difference?  Xena, I have changed so much since I met
you.  I
wonder how much of that is timing."

X:  "Does it really matter?"

G:  "Am I really who I am?  Or am I what you made me?"

X:  "We better get going.  If I'm gonna stay up all night, I
wanna get an
early start."

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G:  "OK-- are you-- from the land of Nomidia?"

X:  "Nope."

G:  "Are you-- ?"

X:  "All right, now, you listen up.  We've got a couple of days
ahead of
us,
before we get to Agathon's castle-- and we need to get this
started out 
right.  So-- you just forget all about the fact that you are all
murderers 
who would kill anyone in their sleep-- especially, one another--
all right?
 
All right.  They can be a team tomorrow.  Tonight, I get some
sleep."

G:  "What?"

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Male Voice:  "This is crazy."

Gla's Voice:  "So put down your weapon."

Male:  "You first."

G:  "Murderers guarding murderers-- it was a good idea-- hmm."

Male:  "All right-- weapons down on the count of three-- one,
two, three."

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G:  "Ah-- another day.  Rise and shine! I guess I'm really a
morning
person.
Can we-- lower the weapons, at least over breakfast?"

Wal:  "I know why I'm here.  I know why they're here.  But what
are you
here
for? Emergency food?"

G:  [Snickers]

Gla:  "Lay off her, Walsim!"

Dar:  "Yeah-- she's a princess.  Besides-- I can think of one
reason to
have
her around. So!  You were talking about breakfast, huh?"

Gla:  "Why do we need these men?  Just the two of us-- we can do
this. 
Oh--
and your friend, if you really think we need her."

X:  "I need everybody."

Gla:  "Do you know what men are like?  They can't be trusted at
their
word."

G:  "Xena?  He's dead."

Wal:  "Poison-- I'll bet.  One of you poisoned him."

Dar:  "You're the one with the cross-bow.  Maybe we should look
for an
arrow
in his back."

Wal:  "Maybe you wanna look for one in your chest."

X:  "Monlik-- wakey-wakey."

Mon:  "What?!"

Dar:  "Yeah-- we stay up all night; he sleeps like a baby."

X:  "All right, we got a lot to do, so we're going to split up.
Glaphyra
and Darnelle, there's a village not far back.  I want you to get
some 
supplies that we need but-- I want you to buy them."

Dar:  "Now, if I had my choice of partners, here-- "

X:  "You don't.  Monlik and Walsim, I need you to go ahead to the
castle.
Monlik, I want a complete map of the interior."

Mon:  "Done, but it's gonna take a while to get there."

Wal:  "And what's the great Xena going to be doing?  Seems like
you might
wanna come with us."

X:  "We need a diversion.  I'm gonna see King Gregor and ask him
to
mobilize
his army.  Agathon has to believe that he's under attack.  All
right-- we
meet 
back here before the sun is high."

Dar:  "After you-- Ow!"

G:  "I don't think I've ever been a part of a true disaster
before."

X:  "You are such a cynic."

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Dar:  "You know-- I used one just like this to win the finals at
Magar
(sp?).  Huh-- Xena was really proud of me back then.  Of course,
I 
nailed one of the judges with my second throw."

Gla:  "Boys and their toys."

Dar  [Laughs]:  "I'll take that as a compliment.  This is
essential
equipment."

Gla:  "To your ego!  And a spear, no less!  Could you _be_ a bit
more
obvious?!"

Dar:  "Actually-- it's a javelin.  Now, do I sense more than just
a little
anger toward me--'cause I'm a man?"

Gla:  "And why not?  Men are all the same.  They use you; they
betray you;
and they spit you out!  They're only as good as what you can get
out of
them."

Dar:  "Oh-- as opposed to the sweet, ungrateful creatures of the
earth that
women are. We protect them; we feed them; we clothe them; we--
give 
them a purpose for being. And this is the gratitude?"

Gla:  "You were born of a woman!"

Dar:  "I was born of a man.  I was delivered by a woman.  How
would you
like
those apples, sweetcheeks-- huh?"  [Laughs]  "I only meant it as
an 
observation, not as an insult.  And, uh-- as for the apples--
how'd you
like one?"

Gla:  "Men are so easy."

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Gla:  "Everything you asked for."

Dar:  "Bought-- not stolen.  Sorry we didn't bring back any
change."

X:  "Gregor has agreed to use his army to help us, but we have to
move
fast.
Monlik, how does it look inside the castle?"

Mon:  "Bad-- very bad.  Anyone trying to break in will be
slaughtered."

G:  "This is happy news."

X:  "We have to get inside the castle, into the armory, quickly.
Monlik's
map will help us with that."

Mon:  "Well, that's something we need to talk about.  You see--
as I was
climbing around that castle-- I realized-- I'm the key."

X:  "What are you getting at?"

Mon:  "Simple-- the secret to that metal's worth a lot of money.
Now-- the
old Xena, she would've been the first to realize that.  The new
Xena--
well-- 
she's more interested in stopping Ares.  Or-- maybe, giving this
secret 
to everybody.  Now, that would level the playing field, wouldn't
it?  The 
problem is-- there's no profit in it for us-- just the risk of
being
killed."

X:  "Your reward is in your freedom-- and the choices that you
can make
afterward."

Mon:  "She's wrong!  Because _I_ have the knowledge she needs.
And without
it,
everything stops right here-- unless, of course, you wanna try to
stop us.
Either way--your plan fails."

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[ACT III]

X:  "Don't make this mistake, Monlik.  I'm giving you your
chance."

Mon:  "To do what?  Become like you?  Roam the countryside,
helping people?
Dragging around with me some-- half-starved kid pretending she's
a friend? 

Well, I don't think so."

X:  "Very well.  If that's the way you feel, you can go.  I'll
come after
you later.  But right now, I want that map."

Mon:  "Ha-ha."

[Fight-- Monlik dies]

Dar:  "That's gotta be uncomfortable."

Wal:  "Great!  Now, how're we gonna get in?"

X:  "Well, we'll just have to think of something else.  Go pack
up our
things-- now!"

G:  "Xena-- "

X:  "They did nothing.  Did you see that?  If they had'a joined
me or
backed
up Monlik, that would've been something.  I need to know if they
can work 
together as a team."

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Wal:  "All right.  Without Xena, let's talk.  I don't think we
have a
chance
in Tartarus without that map."

Gla:  "Xena thinks there's another way."

Dar:  "Xena also thinks she can go up against Ares.  We're all a
little
shaky on that one, right?"

Wal:  "Yeah, look-- we all know Xena.  Or at least, we knew her.
We know
her
strengths, and-- her weaknesses."

Gla:  "What's your point?"

Wal:  "My point is, that she can take us all on individually,
but--
together-- it wouldn't be that easy.  What if I had a plan?"

X:  "Is this a private get-together, or can anyone join in?"

Dar:  "Oh-- nothing private.  Walsim, here, was just telling us,
uh-- what
he saw in Agathon's castle-- "

X:  "Oh."

Dar:  "-- defenses and all."

Gla:  "Yeah, we were just-- talking about our chances."

X:  "Well, we better get to sleep.  We'll see Agathon's castle
soon enough.
Hm-mm.  It's about time you showed up."

Ares:  "What is it about me?  You always seem to know when I'm
around.  I
must have a certain-- presence-- around you."

X:  "You say 'presence'; I say 'stench'."

Ares:  "Oh!  Ow!  Score one for the Warrior Princess."

X:  "You were wrong to give the metal of Hephaestus to Agathon."

Ares:  "I-- I did it-- for the sake of peace."

X:  "Peace through slaughter."

Ares:  "Doesn't matter.  Agathon is brash, obnoxious,
disrespectful, and
smart-- very smart-- much like the young Xena I took under my
wing."

X:  "That can't be good for you.  I wasn't the easiest warrior
you ever
dealt with."

Ares:  "No-- no-- you never let me get away with anything.  You
had the
nerve to
question me-- and you never took what I said at face value."

X:  "Funny that.

Ares:  "Well, neither does-- Agathon.  He looks for answers
beneath the
obvious. Example?  He knows Gregor's army has no intention of 
attacking.  Agathon's kept his army in the castle.  Give this up,
Xena.  
I'm not gonna make any deals this time.  I promised Agathon I
would 
not interfere.  If you attack-- he's gonna kill you."

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[Xena grabs Darnell, and drags him away.]

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Wal:  "Make it look good."

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Dar:  "Keep going."

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Sold:  "There she is!"

Ag:  "Hey, Xena!  Lookey what I found.  Your chakram sure would
come in
handy right now.  I guess you've gotta pick your back-up better."

Wal:  "Sorry, Xena.  You offered freedom.  Agathon offered cash.
[Laughs]"

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[ACT IV]

Wal:  "I told you I had a plan.  You should've been more like
Darnelle,
Glaphyra.  If you'd come to me and wanted in-- well-- maybe you'd
be out here with us."

Dar:  "Ah-- officers in the new army of Ares."

Gla:  "I suppose it's too late to consider my options."

Dar:  "Oh-- way late."

Wal:  "Do not get near the bars, and don't take your eyes off
'em--
especially Xena."

Gla:  "I thought Darnelle might've been different-- I should've
known."

G:  "Different-- you mean, from all the other cutthroats,
thieves,
murderers."

Gla:  "No, little girl.  Check the arrangement.  Do you see any
men in this
cell?"

G:  "I'm not a little girl-- and I have met some good men.  I
married one."

Gla:  "Yeah?  And how long was he good?  I notice he's not with
you now!
Maybe he lost interest.  Or maybe he decided to find another
conquest!"

G:  "Maybe he was murdered."

X:  "By Callisto-- a woman."

Gla:  "I've tried them already.  They're made of that same metal.
She
hasn't seen much of the world, has she?"

X:  "Gabrielle's been through more than you'd think-- yes, more
than you.
And, despite everything, she doesn't carry hatred toward others.
Good 
people don't."

Gla:  "And the bad people?"

X:  "The bad people are us, Glaphyra-- who I was; who you are.
You know,
you're so quick to blame everything on men, you have never once-- 
looked inside yourself for the answers.  It's something that I
had to
learn.  
Gabrielle is a good teacher. Who knows?  If-- if I had met her
back when 
I met you, maybe it'd be me who changed."

Gla:  "What was his name?"

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Ag:  "Gives you a happy, doesn't it?  All these toys, and nothing
else like
them, except this.  Without this puppy, Xena's just another
wannabe
Agathon."

Wal:  "We'd like to discuss our agreement."

Dar:  "Especially the cash."

Ag:  "The cash comes later-- after the conquering and general
mayhem, you
know? 
Meanwhile, chill!  Pick out some hardware.  Go kill a peasant.
Relax."

Wal:  "We are set for life."

Dar:  "So-- I guess, uh-- I guess that chain must be made of
Hephaestus'
metal too, or it wouldn't cut through it, right?"

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Gla:  "I want you to know, when I kill you, it won't be because
you're a
man-- "

Dar:  "Oh-- really?  Well it should be-- 'cause I am a man-- a
red-blooded,
two-fisted, 'we-rule-the-world-whether-you-like-it-or-not' man."

Sold:  "Hey!  Get away from the bar!"

Dar:  "You didn't have to be _that_ convincing!"

X:  "Ooh-- which way to the armory?"

Dar:  "OK-- down that hallway, and through double doors.  And the
furnace
is
there-- just like you said-- along with all the weapons we need--
if we can

get to 'em."

Gla:  "This is all part of a plan?"

X:  "I convinced Darnell to sell us out."

Dar:  "Ah, it wasn't much of a sale, actually."

G:  "Xena needed to get in.  What better way than to get
captured?"

Gla:  "Look, Darnell, I didn't know-- "

Dar:  "Ah, no, no, no, no-- you owe me an apology.  You owe me
big.  And
don't worry about forgetting it-- I won't let you."

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Dar:  "Hey!  That's not how a princess fights!"

G:  "Amazon Princess!"

X:  "Leave him!  We don't have time for this."

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X:  "This is a blast shield.  If it were to plug up the furnace,
the whole
castle would go up."

G:  "Let's do it!"

X:  "First-- all the weapons in here."

Dar:  "You're kidding!"

X:  "Do it."

Gla:  "That's it!"

Dar:  "What about the warriors?!"

X:  "With Gregor out on the battlefield, Agathon's brought all
his troups
inside the castle. They go when the castle goes.  Step back!"

G:  "Let's get out of here!"

Ag:  "Nooooo!"

Dar:  [Screams] "Why is it that everyone wants to kill me?"

Ag:  "Your death will take a very long-- painful time, because
you didn't
_just_ betray me!  You betrayed him!"

X:  "Intervening directly, Ares?  That's not your style.  I
thought Agathon
was supposed to be your ultimate warrior!"

Ag:  "You've got it-- and your blood is gonna to prove it!"

X:  "Gabrielle, Glaphyra, get out."

G:  "I'm not leaving!"

Gla:  "Like she said!  Besides-- we have to protect our men,
don't we?!"

X:  "How about it, Ares?  You don't want second-best to rule your
empire.
If you have to bail him out now, he's just not the right one."

Ag:  "Don't listen to her garbage!  You_ know_ I'm the one!  I
don't have
to
prove anything!"

Ares:  "Agathon, I gave you my word I wouldn't intervene.  This
is between
the two of you."

Ag:  "That's just fine with me, War God.  I don't need your help.
Just
don't get in the way."

[High Noon!]

X:  "Come on!  It's gonna blow!"

G:  "Come on!"

Gla:  "Darnell!  Come on.  Let's go."

X:  "Stand clear of the door!"

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X:  "If you wanna go back to the way you were, it's your choice."

Dar:  "Yeah-- but at least we _have_ a choice.  I mean-- I'm not
saying I'm
gonna follow the straight and narrow, but-- well-- I got some
thinking to
do."

Gla:  "Yeah, me too.  You look after Xena-- OK?"

G:  "I will."

Dar:  "See you later-- Princess.  So!  I'm heading east.  How
about you?"

Gla:  "Seems like as good a direction as any.  I think I can put
up with
the
company-- for a while."

Dar:  "Don't go falling in love with me, now!"

Gla:  "I'd sooner fall for a toad."

Dar:  "Well, it's a start!"

G:  "You started off with four, and you redeemed two.  All things
considered, it's not bad odds."

X:  "Ain't that somethin'?  I've got that answer to your
question.  Are you
who you are, or are you who I made you?"

G:  "And?"

X:  "You're Gabrielle-- bard, Amazon Princess-- best friend.
Nobody made
you who you are-- it was already there.  The question is, who
would I be 
without you?"

G:  "Hmm-- I can answer that.  You'd still be heroic Xena.  You
were on
that
path when we met."

X:  "Are you crazy?  Without you to keep me on the straight and
narrow-- "

G:  "You'd have managed."

X:  "Hey!"

G:  "Just not as well."

X:  "Hang on a minute."



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