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“Vanishing Act”  Episode 66/320


G:  “Now, ar-are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

X:  “And miss Adar’s speech?”

G:  “Please?”

G [Chuckles]:  “Send my regrets.  I’ll be there first thing


Women’s Voices:  “Dance, everyone!”  “A celebration!”

Man’s Voice:  “Peace lasts forever!”

Man:  “Welcome!  Welcome to the festival of peace!  Peace to

G:  “Back atcha!”

Man:  “Peace forever!”

G:  “Everybody, yeah!  I’m gonna need my arm back!”

Man:  “Peace to us all!”

Woman:  “Be happy!”

G:  “Adar.”

Adar:  “Gabrielle!  Ya made it!  But, where’s Xena?”

G:  “She had business in Pergos, but she sends her apologies.”

Adar:  “But-- she’ll miss my speech honoring Pax.”

G:  “I’ll give her all the highlights.  She’ll be back tomorrow

Assistant:  “They’re ready, Mr. Mayor.”

Adar:  “Thank you.”

Assistant:  “Please be seated.”

Adar:  “We are gathered today from many villages-- for our
annual celebration of Pax-- the personification of peace.
[Cheers]  This statue was created twenty years ago at the end of
a bitter war-- and serves as a reminder-- that we are truly one
people, bound by a spirit of cooperation and understanding.”


Adar [Yawns]:  “By Zeus and all the gods!”

Women’s Voices:  “Where is it?!”  “I don’t know!  I don’t

Adar:  “Pax is gone!”


G:  “Guess it’s pretty bad, huh?”

Adar:  “Pretty bad?  It’s worse than pretty bad.  This is a
disaster.  Already, there are angry recriminations between the
villagers-- as to what’s happened to the statue.  Everyone’s
so-- mistrustful, because it’s just-- so hard to believe.  It
was _there_ last night.  And-and then it’s just-- _vanished_.”

X:  “Things don’t just vanish, Adar.  Somebody stole it.”

Adar:  “It’s taller than a house.  Who could’ve stolen it?”

X:  “I think we have a suspect.  I’m talkin’ to you, Grandma!”

Autolycus [Auto]/Grandma:  “Ah!  What’s that, Sweetie?!”

G:  “What-- ?”

X:  “I wanna ask you a few questions!”

Auto/Grandma:  “I’m sorry, I need to tend to my, uh-- ow!
Broken hip!  Ahh!  Ohh!”

X:  “Ah!”

Auto/Grandma:  “Ohh!  Ahh!  Ah!  Ah!  Ahhh!”

Auto:  “Ow!  Oww!  That was _pinned_ on.”

G:  “Huh!  Autolycus?  Of course-- who else could pull off a
heist like this?”

Auto:  “Well, it is impressive, isn’t it?  I mean, a statue that
size, just-- phewt-- disappearing like that?!  It would not be
immodest to say that that’s the greatest theft ever.  There’s
only one problem.”

X:  “And what’s that, Genius?”

Auto:  “I didn’t do it.”



X:  “What do you mean, you didn’t do it?”

Auto:  “Xena, I’m very flattered that you don’t believe me, but
the truth of the matter is, I did not steal the statue.
Granted, I can’t believe I didn’t steal the statue.”

Adar:  “If you’re innocent, why were you wearing a disguise?”

Auto:  “Oh, ho-- ha, ha, ha-- that’s a very good question.  You
see, it’s like this.  Try as I may to keep it quiet, I have a
reputation as, uh-- ”

G:  “The king of thieves?”

Auto:  “And because of that reputation-- well, if I were to be
spotted in a town where a major theft has just taken place-- as
in here-- well, the local authorities might be somewhat inclined
to, uh-- incarcerate me?  Huh.”

X:  “I’ll take care o’ this.  [To Auto]  That statue represents
a long tradition of peace between these two villages, and I
didn’t come here to _fool around_.”

Auto:  “Ahh!  Well, like I’m here for the pony rides!  Xena, I
wanna get that statue back just as much as you.”

X:  “Give me a break.”

Auto:  “Oh, no, not for any goody-goody reasons, but for me.
Don’t you get it?  I don’t know who stole that statue.  What’s
worse, I don’t know _how_ they stole it.  So, if I don’t find
out who did and steal it back-- ”

X:  “-- you’re no longer the king of thieves.”

Auto:  “Exactly-- which is why I’m gonna let you work with me on

X:  [Chuckling]  “Oh, thanks, but no thanks.”

Auto:  “It takes a thief to catch a thief.  Look-- I just want
your help to steal it back, so I can put it back where it

X:  “Autolycus, it’s not called stealing if you retrieve stolen
property for the rightful owners.”

Auto:  “No, not if you go in there, _busting_ heads like you
usually do.  But if you use finesse-- and steal it out from
under their noses without them knowing it, _that_ counts as

X:  “Why would I wanna do that?”

Auto:  “As a favor to me?”

X:  “No!”

Auto:  “Oh, I get it.  What have I done for you, lately, huh?”

X:  “Yeah.”

Auto:  “Yeah, nothing besides letting you live inside my body
while I risked my _life_-- to steal back your shapely corpse--
all the while having to endure Gabrielle whining and crying 24
hours a day about, ‘How much she misses Xena!’”

X:  “Are you quite finished?!”

Auto:  “That depends.  Did it work?”

X:  “It worked.”

Auto:  “Then I’m finished.  Xena, one more thing.”

X:  “What?!”

Auto:  “It’s gotta be done my way.”

X:  “Huh?”

Auto:  “My reputation as the king of thieves is not gonna be
restored if you sling that chakram around and poke people with
swords.  It’s gotta be done the Autolycus way.  Deal?  Come on.
Gimme a smile.  Gimme some teeth-- a little smile?”

X:  “Deal.”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-- that’s my Xena.”


Woman’s Voice:  “Fishcakes!  Fishcakes!”

G:  “Working with us might rub off on Autolycus.  It could
change him-- or not.”

X:  “Autolycus became a thief to avenge a terrible wrong.”

G:  “I know-- he told me.  He stole everything from the merchant
who killed his brother.  He left him with nothing-- just a
broken man.”

X:  “You see, that was Autolycus’ defining moment.  He’ll always
think of himself as a thief.  If he wants me to help him regain
the title of king, then so be it.  It’s the least I can do.  The
man did save my life.”

Auto:  [Gasping]

X:  “Come on!  Well?”

Auto:  “Just as I suspected-- there’s a deep furrow in the

X:  “So the statue was toppled over and dragged out of the
harbor by ship.”

Auto:  “Exactly, my Dear.  Now, all we have to figure out-- is
which ship?”

X:  “Right.”

G:  “Right.”

Auto:  “Be right with ya.  Just gotta get this off.  Oh!  Oh!”


Auto/Namin:  “Greetings.  I am told you are the one called--
‘Wharfmaster’?  I-- am Namin-- an antiquities dealer-- trading
in rare Armenian-- antiquitites.  I need to ship some rather,
uh-- delicate cargo?”

Wharfmaster:  “Can’t help you.”

Auto/Namin:  “Ah, no, no-- you misunderstand.  I was hoping you
could recommend a ship captain who could help us with such a,
um-- sensitive-- transaction, hmm?”

Wharfmaster:  “Look, Blinky, I don’t know what you’re talkin’
about, OK?”

Auto/Namin:  “Heh-heh-heh-heh.  Then, perhaps for you-- it is
very fortunate-- that I speak the universal-- language.  Huh?”

Wharfmaster:  “You’ll have to speak it louder than that, my

X:  “Hmm.”

Auto:  “Uh, I think you should talk to my associate.  [Aside to
X]:  ‘Good centurion, bad centurion’?  Put a little pressure on

X [to Auto]:  “Right you are.  [To Wharfmaster]  Now, tell us
who shipped out that statue.”

Auto/Namin:  “You don’t have to answer that.  [Aside to X]:
What are you doing?”

X:  “Putting a little pressure on him.”

Auto:  “Psychological pressure.  Uh, Xena-- you agreed to do
this my way.  Undo that.”

G:  “Sixteen, seventeen.”

X:  “All right.”

G:  “Eighteen.”

Auto/Namin:  “Now-- are you willing to tell us?”

Wharfmaster:  “It was Tarsus.”

Auto:  “Tarsus?  Of Siros?”

Wharfmaster:  “Yeah.”

X:  “You know him?”

Auto:  “Yeah, we have a history of sorts.”

Auto/Namin:  “Where’s his home base, now?”

Wharfmaster:  “A-a castle on the island of Mekonos.”


Auto:  “The first thing we should do is size up the castle from
the outside-- try and determine the best way to get the statue

X:  “What if they’re in the process of selling it right now?  It
could be on the move before we get to it.”

Auto:  “Good point.  Then one of us should go in as a fence, and
make a bid on the statue.  That’ll keep it in place for a

G:  “Impersonating a fence.  Let me guess who does that.”


Tarsus:  “What is it?”

Asst:  “There’s someone here asking about Pax.”

Tarsus:  “All right.”

G/Myopia:  “Tarsus, I presume.”

Tarsus:  “And you are?”

G/Myopia:  “Myopia, the fence.  I-- fence.  I come to tell you,
I make offer-- on the statue of Pax.”

Tarsus:  “Ha!  What makes you think that I-- have Pax?”

G/Myopia:  “This?  You’d be surprised-- how _little_ it takes to
loosen lips of corrupt wharfmaster.”

Tarsus:  “Get the furnace going.”

G/Myopia:  “Furnace?”

Tarsus:  “When strangers start knocking on my door with offers,
I’d say things were a bit too hot to have a stolen, sacred piece
of art hanging around.  These city-states have been known to
send armies after the silliest artifacts.  On the other hand--
who’s to say where I got a few hundred pounds of raw gold?”

G/Myopia:  “I’m not-- sure I-- understand.”

Tarsus:  “As soon as the furnace is hot enough, the statue of
Pax will be melted down.”



G/Myopia:  “Wait.  You can’t melt the statue down.”

Tarsus:  “Why not?”

G/Myopia:  “Be-- because it gets gooey!  I do not pay for goo.”

Asst:  [Whispers in Tarsus’ ear]

Tarsus:  “This is exactly what I meant-- about things being--
too hot.  Seems we have another unsolicited bidder.  You ever
heard of a fence named-- Ezra?”

G/Myopia:  “I’ve heard of her, of course!”

X/Ezra:  “Ha-ha!  Dahling!”

Tarsus:  “Ezra-- nice to meet you.”

X/E:  “Charmed, I’m sure, but I’m here on business.”

Tarsus:  “Well, you’re going to have some competition.  This is
Myopia.  She’s also interested in the statue.”

X/Ezra:  “Myopia, I’ve heard of you.  They say you used to be
good-lookin’.  Huh.  [Aside to G]  Plan beta-- I saw the furnace
belching smoke and knew we had to come right a-- are you paying
attention to me?  This is part of his _way_.  [Aloud]  So--
where are you hiding that statue?”

G/Myopia:  “Tarsus was just about to have the statue melted
down.  [Chuckles]  Of course, I tell him-- the statue is much
more valuable intact.”

X/Ezra:  “Well, that would be because you’re a rank amateur.  Of
course, it’s more valuable if you melt it down-- easier to
transport-- easier to sell, I’m-- frankly, I’m surprised you
didn’t do it earlier.  I mean, surprised, but pleased.”

Tarsus:  “Why is that?”

X/Ezra:  “Because I don’t buy anything I don’t see melted down.
One can so easily dilute it.”

Tarsus [Chuckles]:  “You don’t trust me?”

X/Ezra:  “I sell to the richest men and women on Earth.  So,
forgive me if _my_ reputation for dealing in only the _finest_
materials is too valuable to risk on the word of a thief.  So--
do _I_ get to see the statue, or _no-ot_?”

Tarsus:  “Right away.”

X/Ezra:  “Fabulous.  Oh, my manservant’s outside.  Would you
give him a hand with the baggage?  Oh-- gorgeous.”


X/Ezra:  “Ohhhhh.”

Tarsus:  “Let’s do it!”

X/Ezra:  “Here’s my guy, now.  This is my assistant, uh--
Bentley.”  [Chuckles]

G/Myopia:  “Bentley-- what an unfortunate name.”

Auto/Bentley:  “Well-- Mother had, uh-- quite the sense a’
humor.  Ow!”

X/Ezra:  “Stay out of the way, Bentley.  They’re about to melt
down the statue.  Go on.”

Auto/Bentley:  “Ooops!”

Tarsus:  “Your man is an idiot.”

X/Ezra:  “You’re telling me.  Get inside, ya buffoon!”

Auto:  “A thousand pardons.  I, uh-- ooooh!”  

Asst:  “There’s something wrong with the furnace.  It’s losing

G/Myopia:  “What?”

X/Ezra:  “I thought you were running a classy operation here.”


Auto:  “Interesting.”


Tarsus:  “You incompetent scum.  Make sure that furnace is
working!  We can wait inside while they work on it.  It won’t
take long.”

X/Ezra [Aside to G]:  “We gotta keep them out here till
Autolycus is finished looking around.  [Aloud]  Oh, that’s just
great!  Great!  Yeah.  Now, she wants to bid on the raw gold.”

Tarsus:  “Well, I guess there’s nothing wrong with changing your

X/Ezra:  “All right.  Well, let’s settle this right now, shall
we?  I’ll give you fifteen thousand dinars for it.”

G/M:  “Twenty.”

X/Ezra:  “Twenty-five.”

G/Myopia:  “Thirty.”

X/Ezra:  “Thirty-five.”

Tarsus:  “Thirty-five thousand dinars.  Going once-- twice-- ”

G:  “Forty thousand.”


Auto:  “Hah!”


X/Ezra:  “One hundred and fory thousand dinars.”

G/Myopia:  “One hundred-- sixty thousand.”

X/Ezra:  “Two hundred thousand dinars.”

Tarsus:  “Two hundred thousand dinars.  Going once-- ”

G/Myopia:  “Two hundred-- fifty thousand.”

Tarsus:  “Two hundred and _fifty_ thousand dinars.  Going-- ”

X/Ezra:  “Three hundred thousand.”

G/Myopia:  “Three hundred fifty.”

X/Ezra:  “Four hundred thousand dinars-- and I’ll throw in the
ring of Apollo.”

G/Myopia:  “Let her have it.”

Tarsus:  “Sold.

X/Ezra:  “Well-- the money will be here in the morning.”

Tarsus:  “Perfect-- we’ll have the furnace operational by then.
You and your gold will be on your way by-- midday.  Break out
the wine.  Tonight-- we celebrate.  I  hope there are no bad
feelings-- but, who could compete with the ring of Apollo.
Don’t you agree?”


X:  “Ya just _had_ to outbid me, didn’tcha?!”

G:  “You outbid me, first.”

X:  “It’s a wonder you didn’t go even _higher_.”

G:  “Right!  Like I can top the ring of Apollo?!”

Auto:  “Are you two out of your minds?!  What difference does it
make who outbid who?  We’re pretending, remember?  Now, I happen
to have a plan.  And if it works-- _I_ will be a legend.  And
you two will be a legend’s helpers.  First, I’ve gotta find

X:  “I’m comin’ with you.”

Auto:  “Fine, but you know the rules.”

X:  “You go to the party.  Tell ‘em we’ll join them later.”

G:  “No problem.”


Auto:  “Hmm.  Mm-mm.”

X:  “This plan of yours is kind of ambitious.”

Auto:  “What else would you expect from the king of thieves?”

X:  “Oh, Thebes-- I’ve been there.”

Auto:  “Pay attention.”

X:  [Chuckles]

Auto:  “Ah-hah!  See?  Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.  Paint-drippings?
This is probably it-- locked, of course-- not a problem.  Watch
and learn, my Dear.  You see, this is no ordinary lock.  This
happens to be a reinforced Corinthian _steel_ lock-- with a high
security, double-hinged, pin-tumbler mechanism.”

X:  “Oops.”


Tarsus:  “Sorry you didn’t get the gold.  But I’ll have some
more interesting wares very soon.”

G/Myopia:  “Hmm.”

Tarsus:  “Where’s your rival?”

G/Myopia:  “In her room, I imagine.”

Tarsus:  “Uh-- she’s missing the party.  I’ll send somebody for

G/Myopia:  “Oh-- she’ll come later.  She’s with someone.”

Tarsus:  “With someone?”

G/Myopia:  “Hmm.”

Tarsus:  “The hunchback?”

G/Myopia:  “Who else?”

Theia:  “Hunchback?  Interesting.”

Tarsus:  “She can be with him any time.  Right now, I want her
here-- at this party.  Bring Ezra and her man down immediately.”

G/Myopia:  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

X/Ezra’s Voice:  “Oh, you naughty guard, you!”

X/Ezra:  “Hold everything!  The party starts here!  Ha-ha-ha!
Make yourself scarce, Dummy.  Yoo-hoo!  Myopia-- I am so sorry
you lost.  Better luck next time, huh?  [They chuckle.]  [Aside
to G]  As soon as we’re out of here, we will put his plan  in

Tarsus:  “Congratulations, Ezra.  I am obligated to tell you
that a well-known Silosian general is on his way here-- to make
a bid.”

X/Ezra:  “Really?  Is he good-lookin’?”  [They laugh.]

Tarsus:  “Look, if you have the money here by morning, I’m sure
he can’t top your offer.”

X/Ezra:  “Oh, it’ll be here.  So, tell me more about this
naughty general?”

Theia:  “Excuse me.  My name is Theia.”

Auto/Bentley:  “Oh.  Uh-huh-- Bentley.”

Theia:  “Forgive me for, uh-- staring, but-- I just can’t help
but notice your-- ”

Auto/Bentley:  “Uh, smile?”

Theia:  “To be honest?  I was actually referring to your hump.”

Auto:  “Oh, that-- uh-- hmm.”

Theia:  “Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?”  

Auto:  “Well-- su-sure, go ahead, uh-- wh-what d’ya wanna know?”

Theia:  “Would you mind if I touched it?” 

Auto/Bentley:  “Oh, uh-- no, no.  I would really rather-- that
you didn’t.”  [Chuckles]

Theia:  “Well, why?  D-does it hurt?”

Auto/Bentley:  “Well, of course it hurts.  Why do you think
camels are so miserable?  Hmm?”

X/Ezra:  “I kid you not.  It was this big.”

Auto:  “Hmm.  Oh!”

X/Ezra:  “So, tell me.  How did you manage to steal the statue
of Pax?”

Tarsus:  “Magician never gives away his secrets.”

X/Ezra:  “Oh.”

Tarsus:  “But I will tell you this-- it was the best work-- I’ve
ever done.”

X/Ezra:  “Really?”

Tarsus:  “Of course-- I haven’t always been a thief.  Oh, no.
For many years, I was a moderately-successful merchant-- ”

X/Ezra:  “Uh-huh?”

Tarsus:  “-- making a decent living.  One day, I had a-- a
disagreement with a competitor.  I had to-- eliminate him as a

X/Ezra:  “Well, you would.”

Tarsus:  “Unbeknownst to me, my competitor had a younger
brother.  Rather than face me like a man, he took his vengeance
by stealing from me.  Cleaned me out, but-- in so doing, he
taught me a lesson.  The world belongs to those who make it
their own.  A toast, then--”

Guests:  “A toast.”

Tarsus:  “-- to the man who has brought us all here tonight-- to
Autolycus-- the former king of thieves.”



X/Ezra [“Sobbing”]:  “Auto!  Auto, Baby!  Ya promised me this
was gonna woik!  You’re supposed to be the king of thieves!  My
father-- my father told me he was a loser, and a fraud-- with
his phony disguises and that silly mustache.  But-- I will
always love you.  Oh!  Oh, look!  Ya gotta believe me!  He put
me up to this!  Ya know how he is with that charm of his.  He’s
so shallow, yet so persuasive!  I’m not really a bad pois’n!  I
just fell in love with the wrong man at the wrong-- !”

Tarsus:  “Shut up!  Take her, too!  And gag her!  Get them both
out of here!”

X/Ezra:  [Sobbing]

Auto/Tarsus:  “Watch the hump!”

Man:  “Quit that!  Come on!”

X/Ezra:  “Ow!  Please!  No!”  

G/Myopia:  “If Ezra isn’t real-- the bidding isn’t real,

Tarsus:  “That’s right.  You can bid again in the morning--
against the Silosian general-- but your money better be here by
then.  If not-- I’ll assume you’re a fraud, too.”


Tarsus:  “That’s twenty feet of the strongest chain wrapped
around you, Autolycus-- fastened by two hundred-- of the best
locks in  the world.”

Auto:  “Good-- I enjoy a challenge.”

Tarsus:  “Uh-huh.  Well, enjoy it while you can-- because I’ve
just sent word to everyone who has a reward out on your head.
I’ll deliver you to the highest bidder.”

Auto:  [Yawns]

Tarsus:  “Outwardly, you’re always calm, Autolycus.  But I’m not
fooled.  Inside you, you burn with hatred toward me, don’t you?
And it’s only gonna get worse.  Just think.  I killed your
brother.  I stole your mantle as ‘king of thieves’-- and soon,
I’ll be delivering you to your executioners.  It’s all so

Auto:  [Coughs]

Tarsus:  “I want this door gurarded at all times.”

Auto:  “Well-- this should be interesting.”


Tarsus:  “You pathetic weaking!  I plan to sell you to the
Silosians.  Don’t worry-- you won’t be with ‘em for long.  They
usually beat their slave girls to death in a matter of weeks.
And don’t think Autolycus will save you.  I have him bounded by
two hundred of the strongest locks.”

X/Ezra:  [Mumbling incoherently in gags.]

Tarsus:  “Have a nice evening.”

X/Ezra:  [More mumbling]


Tarsus:  “You stay here-- and don’t let anyone talk to her--
especially that Myopia.  [Chuckles]  I don’t trust her, either.”


X/Ezra’s Voice:  “Help me.  Help me.”


G:  “Could I ask you a question?”

X:  “Shoot.”

G:  “What are we doing?!”

X:  “We’re doing it his way.”

G:  “You call that _his_ way?”

X  “Don’t get technical on me.  Now that we know it was Tarsus
who killed his brother, it’s even more essential that we let
Autolycus win his way.”

G:  “Why do you think he didn’t tell us who Tarsus was?”

X:  “I’m hoping because it doesn’t make any difference.”

G:  “So, where is he?”

X:  “Somewhere in this castle, someplace-- chained and manacled
with 200 locks.”

G:  “200 locks?”

X:  “Yes.”

G:  “No.”

X:  “It’s gonna take him at least an hour to get out of that
lot.  Come on-- let’s get on with it.”

G:  “All right.”

X:  “Would you get that?  Thank you.”

G:  “Watch it.  Sorry.”


Auto:  “Come on.  Come on, talk to me.  I’m listenin’, but I’m
not hearing.  Come on.  Just a little more.  Heh-heh-heh-- there
we go.  64.”


G:  “OK.  I found everthing that we need to go through with this
plan, except for one thing.”

X:  “What is that?”

G:  “Brushes.”


Guards:  “Huh?  Ooh!  Ooh!  Uh!  Uh!”

X:  “I just couldn’t begin to _think_ how to do that his way.
Whaddya think, huh?”

G:  “That’ll do.”

X:  “Good-- we’d better get everything we need into the

G:  “Don’t you think we should find Autolycus?”

X:  “Are you kidding?  He’d never forgive me if I robbed him of
the joy of getting out of that by himself.  As long as he’s back
by sunrise, it’ll work.”


Auto:  “One hundred and ten.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”


X:  “We did it.”

G:  “Yeah.  The sun’s up.  Where is he?  Xena?  Why don’t you go
get him?”

X:  “Look-- this wouldn’t be-- ”

G:  “Oh, his way-- yes, I know, but this plan will go to
Tartarus in a reed basket if he’s not here.”

X:  “Yeah, right.”


X:  “I know it’s not quite your-- ”


G:  “Where is he?”

X:  “I don’t know-- he wasn’t in the dungeon.”

G:  “That’s great.  He got out.  The Silosians will be here any

X:  “I don’t think he’s gonna be joing us.”

G:  “What do you mean?  His plan was to meet here.”

X:  “He’s not concerned with his plan anymore.”

G:  “I don’t understand.”

X:  “He’s going to kill Tarsus.”



G:  “But Autolycus doesn’t kill.  He got revenge on Tarsus
before by stealing from him.”

X:  “Now he plans to finish the job.”

G:  “Xena-- Autolycus isn’t a killer-- not even to avenge his
brother’s death.” 

X:  “He’d be a good one.  Think about it.  With his skills of
disguise and escape, he’d be one of the best.”

G:  “That’s if he crosses the line.”

X:  “We’re not gonna let him.  Come on.”


Auto:  “Hello from Malechis.”

Tarsus:  “Hah-- you plan to kill me, don’t you?  Why, Autolycus,
I didn’t know you had it in you.”

Auto:  “That’s why I’m here.”

Tarsus:  “Don’t you want to thank me, first?  Think about it.
You pride yourself on being the king of thieves, the best-- at
what you do.  And who made you that way?  Me-- for better or
worse, I made you who you are.”

Auto:  “Too bad this isn’t about me.  It’s about a decent man
you killed a long time ago.”

Tarsus:  “Look, Autolycus, I can’t bring your brother back,
but-- I can offer you money-- lots of money.”

Auto:  “Money-- I do love money.  How much?”

Tarsus:  “Everything I own.”

Auto:  “Not enough, but thanks for trying.”

X:  “Don’t do it, Autolycus.”

Auto:  “Stay out of this, Xena!”

X:  “Don’t get me wrong.  I agree with you.  He killed your
brother-- turned you into a theif-- and he was determined to see
you dead.  Most people would think you had every right to act as
his judge.  But, I’m asking you, ‘What would Malechis think?’
The man you told me about loved his brother.  He gave everything
to see that you became a good person.  Tarsus may have created
the thief, but it was Malechis who gave the thief his heart.
Was it the heart of a mrderer?”

Auto:  “All right, Xena, you’ve been waiting for this moment
since we started-- some good, old-fashioned, kick-but,
that’s-my-Warrior-Princess action.”

Soldiers:  [Yell]

Tarsus:  “Kill them!”

X:  “Retreat.”

Auto:  “What?”

X:  “We got a plan, remember?!”  [Xena yell]

Tarsus:  “After them , you idiots!”


[Big fight scene]

G:  “The Silosians are coming!”

Tarsus:  “Get them!”

Soldier:  “What are you doing?!”

Auto:  “Ooh!  Whoa!  Whoa!”

Tarsus:  “You loved your brother so much.  Say ‘Hi’ to him in
the Underworld!”

X:  “Come on-- come play with me, huh?”

Auto:  “OK, Xena-- up and over.”

Soldiers:  “Let’s get of here!  They’re too much for us!
Quickly!  Run for your lives!  This way!  Hurry!  Hurry!”

General:  “Tarsus!”

Tarsus:  “Oh!”  [Coughs]

General:  “Tarsus!

Tarsus:  “General-- your timing is perfect.  Arrest these
people!  They’re trying to deprive you of your gold.”

General:  “I’m afraid we have a different sense of humor in
Silosia.  So, where is it?  The gold?!”

Tarsus:  “Where is it?  What are you, blind?!  It hasn’t been
melted down yet, but the statue is right there, against that--
but, i-it was there-- I stole it!”

Auto:  “_You_ stole it?  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-- now, how can that
be?  Obviously-- it’s not even here-- unless someone stole it
from you-- someone like, uh-- oh, what’s his name, um?
Autolycus, the-- king of thieves?”

General:  “So, I’m negotiating with you?”

Auto:  “No, sorry.  I’ve made other arrangements.  Heh.”

General:  “You ever offer me goods you don’t have again-- I’ll
slash your throat!”

Tarsus:  “Ahhhh!”

X:  “Autolycus-- I hope you don’t mind that I-- ”

Auto:  “No, no-- say no more.  Sometimes, your way is, uh-- just
fine.  Well-- looks like my plan worked rather well.”

G:  “Yeah-- they’ll be talking about you from Silosia to

X:  “Now, let’s get that statue back home.  They’ll be happy to
have the guy who stole it, too.”

Auto:  “You know the problem with your greatest work?  You can
never tell anyone how you did it.”


Adar [Yawns]:  “By Zeus and all the gods!  Pax is back!  Pax is
back!  Hey!  Hey!  Wake up, you guys!  Pax is back!  Come on!
Pax is back!  This is indcredible!  Pax is back!  I can_not_
believe what I’m seeing!  Look!  Pax is back!  Pax is back!
This is absolutely fantastic!”

G:  “That’s what makes doing work like this worthwhile.”

Auto:  “Yes, half-naked men screaming through the square-- I see
your point.”

G:  “Autolycus?  Tell me you don’t feel a little bit happy--
that you’ve given the people their statue back.”

A:  “I’ll tell you what makes me feel a little bit better-- is
knowing that the crown of-- ”

G:  “-- the king of thieves-- ?”

Auto:  “-- has been restored again.  And if these people wanna
feel happy, well-- that’s OK, too.  Xena-- ”

X [Speaking in Ezra’s Voice]:  “Autolycus, Baby?”

Auto:  “I tried to thank you back there at the castle.”

X:  “Mm-hmm?”

Auto:  “But-- you are not an easy person to thank.”

X:  “I don’t need any thanks.”

Auto:  “I’m sure you don’t.  And I don’t have gems, or money, or
anything else of value to offer you-- except this.  You are the
second-best thief I’ve ever met.  And if you ever need to get
inside my body again, you just look me up.”

X:  “Thanks.”

Auto:  “Gabrielle?”

G:  “Yes?”

Auto:  “You’ll miss me.”

Women’s Voices:  “Autolycus!”  “The man of my dreams!”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha.  Oh, what a sweet  sound.  [Using Bentley’s
Voice]  Well-- you’ll pardon me, uh-- my public awaits.”

X:  “Ta-ta.”

G:  “How does it feel to be a thief?”

X:  “Second-best?  [Using Ezra’s Voice]  He’s got some noive.”


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