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"A Tale of Two Muses"  Episode 74/406


G:  "`The despair of winter-- is followed by the hope of spring.
The infernal heat of summer, abolished by a gentle autumn breeze.
Life's brutal truths-- are softened by its tender mercies.'"

X:  "You know, I like that."

G:  "Thank you.  Oh.  My writing has allowed me to express my
most inner feelings.  I don't know how Id survive without it.  I
wish you had something like that, Xena."

X:  "Are you kidding?  I got this."

G:  "It's perfect.  More hot sand.  Touring the world is sure
tough on shoes."

X:  "Yeah, I gotta get Argo to a blacksmith in the next town."

G:  "Actually, I was talking about my shoes."


Tara:  "Ready?!"

Istafan [Ist]:  "Tara!"

Boy's Voice:  "It's Istafan!  Run!"

Ist:  "You know what you've done, don't you?"

Tara:  "Yeah, I know."

Ist:  "It's a crime we cannot pardon.  She has broken the
goddess' law!  You will be disciplined.  Take her!"


Ist:  "A terrible crime has been committed against our benefactor
and protector-- the great muse, Calliope."

G:  "Calliope?  This far from home?  Her scales of justice--
shall be swift-- and fair!"

Ist:  "Ten lashes, Licinus-- and don't spare your arm.  A
transgression like this must be disciplined!"

X:  "That's not nice."


G:  "Save some for me!"

X:  "You can take over here.  Tara?  I don't wanna hurt you or
your people, but I'm not gonna let you _beat_ this girl with a
whip.  So, call off your lynch mob-- and go home."

Ist:  "This is no mob.  This is the town militia-- and I am the
chief magistrate!"

G:  "Tara, what did you do?"

Ist:  "She committed a crime so insidious-- we must punish it
quickly and severely."

G:  "That's great, Tara.  You really messed this up."

Ist:  "She danced."

G:  "What?"

Ist:  "She danced."

X:  "Danced?"

Ist:  "Danced."



X:  "Now, the three of us are gonna walk outta town, nice and
easy.  We don't want any more trouble."

Telamon [Tel]:  "Istafan-- I think that banishment is enough of a
punishment for that crime."

Man's Voice:  "Yes."

Ist:  "All right.  But-- you must leave, immediately!"

Men's Voices:  "Yes."  "That seems fair."


Tel:  "Tara-- I'm gonna miss you a lot."

Tara:  "Thanks for giving me a job in your store, Telamon."

Tel:  "No-- it was wonderful having you around.  Take care, Tara.
I'm sorry it didn't work out."

Tara:  "Goodbye, Andros."

Andros [And]:  "Tara, I shouldn't have run away when they came to
arrest you.  I should have stayed by your side."

Tara:  "You hadda watch out for yourself.  I understand.  Take
care of your dad.  He's a nice guy."

And:  "I will."

Tara:  "Well, let's go!"


G:  "I don't get that.  Since when is Calliope the muse of _not_

Tara:  "It goes back into their history-- something about a fire
that burned down most of the city after a big dance almost 60
years ago.  Thanks, Xena.  It was really nice seeing you again.
You too, Gabrielle."

X:  "Where do you think _you're_ going?"

Tara:  "Look, I know a way to sneak back into the village so
nobody'll see me."

G:  "Tara, you can't do that.  They were going to _beat_ you.
Who knows what will happen if you go back there after you've been

Tara:  "Look, I'm on a mission."

X:  "A mission?"

Tara:  "That guy, Telamon, and his son, Andros-- they're the
nicest men I've ever met in my entire life.  And they're stuck in
that hole where people aren't even allowed to dance.  Look-- I
can't throw a chakram and I don't like staffs-- but I _can_
dance!  Ever since I was a kid, it was my most _favorite_ thing
to do in the entire world.  I even made money, street-dancing in
Thebes.  And it breaks my heart that Andros is stuck there--
where people aren't even allowed to do that.  I wanna _change_
things so that he can."

G:  "Look, I know people like that.  I came from a town just like
it.  The people aren't going to change-- and you're going to get
hurt.  I think that you should stay with us."

X:  "We're going back."

Tara:  "You're gonna help me?"

X:  "Yeah."


Ist:  "And so said Calliope-- first among muses-- `And none shall
dance before me-- nor in my house-- nor in my temples.'  We must
preserve our traditions!"

X's Voice:  "I agree."

X:  "Tara and I have discussed it, and she wants to apologize to
the whole community."

Tara:  "Ow.  Yeah-- I'm really sorry."

Tel:  "We can show her mercy if she changes her ways-- can't we,

Ist:  "How do we know she's really changed?"

X:  "Look-- Tara wants to stay here with Telamon and Andros."

X's Voice:  "She understands that she's going to have to obey the

X:  "I'm going to hang around for a couple of days to see that
she gets on the straight and narrow, and after that-- if she
steps outta line, you can punish her any way you see fit."

Tel:  "That sounds pretty reasonable, Istafan."

Ist:  "All right.  "But Telamon-- I want you to teach that girl
that dancing is evil."

Tel:  "I will."


Tel:  "Are you sure you and Xena don't wanna spend the night in
the store?  We could set up some cots for you."

G:  "We'll be fine.  We're used to roughing it."

Tel:  "Thank you for bringing Tara back to us."

G:  "It's our pleasure."

Tara:  "Good night, Gabrielle."

G:  "Good night, Tara."

X's Voice:  "Ooh!  [Farts]  Uhhh.  I _hate_ foreign food.
[Toilet flushes]  [Sighs]  What are you doing?"

G:  "Ever since I heard that it's not allowed-- oh, I've never
wanted to dance so badly all my life.  Just-- fells so good."

X:  "Let's just try and get some sleep, huh?"

G:  "Ay-yi-yi.  Is the plan underway?"

X:  "Ahh."

G:  "Ahh?  I gotta dance."

X:  "Go to sleep."


Man's Voice:  "I will take all three."

G:  "Do you do repairs?"

Cobbler:  "Shoes and boots-- bags and saddles."

G:  "I travel-- a lot.  I don't want some half-hearted patch job.
I just want something that will last."

Cobbler:  "It'll take me at least-- three days."

G:  "Three days?"

Cobbler:  "You didn't hear?  Phillipan-- the reformer's coming.
People have been talking about it all morning.  He's supposed to
be a-- great preacher of-- righteousness."

G:  "That's exactly what this town needs-- another
`holier-than-thou' preacher."

Cobbler:  "You watch your mouth, young lady!"

G:  "I'm sorry.  Look, I-- uh-- you can't make me walk around
barefoot for three days."

Cobbler:  "I'll getcha some loaners."

G:  "Hmm."


Ist:  "Here he comes!"

Ist [?]'s Voice:  "Clear the way!  In the name of Calliope-- "

Ist:  "-- on behalf of all the citizens of Palios-- "

Ist's Voice:  "-- and all righteous people, everywhere-- I
welcome a great man and a-- great prophet to our city!  Ladies
and gentlemen-- "

Ist:  "-- I give you Phillipan-- the reformer!"

Man's Voice:  "Phillipan!  Save us!"

Woman's Voice:  "Bless you!"



Woman:  "Oh, bless you!"

X:  "Betcha could get to like _that_, huh?"

Autolycus [Auto]:  "Got your pigeon.  What, didja shoot it from a
catapult?  The tail feathers were smokin'.  Hey-- how'ja round up
all the people?"

Woman's Voice:  "We love ya, Phillipan!"

X's Voice:  "We started a rumor about your coming three days ago.
Thanks for getting here so quickly."

Auto:  "Well, I figure you sprang for the express bird.  It's
gotta be important-- not to mention the reward you promised me.
Ha-ha-ha.  Don't tell me this is another `Virtue is its own
reward' jobs."

Man's Voice:  "We love you, Phillipan!"

Auto:  "Oh, Xena-- I thought better of you-- I really did."

Women's Voices:  "Phillipan!  Over here!"  "Phillipan!"

Auto:  "You know-- I might as well go back to Oman, because I got
a good thing going there with the king's sister.  I'm _this_
close to the crown jewels and he doesn't suspect a thing."

X:  "He does, now.  I sent two pigeons.  Oh-- follow my lead.
People of Palios!  May I present to you-- Phillipan of Crete!
Reformer of-- warlords-- dancers-- and evil people!"

X's Voice:  "It's even said that he once convinced-- "

X:  "-- the king of thieves _himself_ to do a good deed-- for no
reward other than his own virtue."

Auto-as-Phillipan [A-as-P]:  "Well-- I wouldn't believe
everything you hear."

Ist:  "King of thieves?!  That degenerate blowhard!"

A-as-P's Voice:  "Beg your pardon?"

Ist:  "Sinners like him-- never have the courage-- "

Ist's Voice:  "-- to be really successful.  I'm sure he's just a
fraud-- "

Ist:  "-- and an idiot."

A-as-P:  "Ha-ha-ha-ha."

A-as-P's Voice:  "No doubt."

A-as-P:  "Would you excuse me?"

Auto:  "This plan of yours-- does it involve humiliating that
horse's ass?"

X:  "Yep."

Auto:  "Then I'm in."


A-as-P's Voice:  "Good citizens of Palios-- heed my words-- "

A-as-P:  "You know-- how it happens.  It all starts-- with a
tune-- rollin' around in your head.  The next thing you know--
you're hummin' at work-- ain'tcha?  Huh?  You've done it.  You've
heard it.  We've all been there.  Then you know what?  Your toe--
starts to tap."

A-as-P's Voice:  "And your heel-- followed by your knee, `cause
they're _alllllll_ connected.  It moves on up-- and then you
start-- "

A-as-P:  "-- gyratin'.  The next thing you know-- you just gotta
let it go.  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!"

A-as-P's Voice:  "Trust me-- good people-- "

A-as-P:  "I know from whereof I speak.  For I, myself, was on
that rocky road to Tartarus."

A-as-P's Voice:  "That's right, brothers and sisters."

A-as-P:  "In my wild and misspent youth-- I, too-- danced!  But,
then-- an amazing event transpired.  The goddess, Calliope-- came
into my life and _claimed_ it as her own!"

Ist:  "Praise Calliope!"

All:  "Praise Calliope!"

A-as-P:  "Praise her!"

All:  "Praise her!"

A-as-P:  "Praise her!  Get `em up!  Praise her!  Nice and loud,
now.  That's it.  I know you can do it.  Praise her!"

X:  "Praise her.  Get `em up, Gabrielle."

G:  "No."

A-as-P:  "Istafan-- I can tell that you have a righteous
community, here."

A-as-P's Voice:  "But I just wonder-- "

A-as-P:  "-- are you doin' everything you can?"

Ist:  "Uh-- whaddya mean?"

A-as-P:  "Well-- is it enough to simply eliminate dancing?  What
about singing?  Painting?  Flashy embroidery?!  For shame!  I'm
telling you, people!  Extremism, in the name of piety-- is no
vice.  Get `em up and praise her!  Get `em up and praise her!
Praise Calliope!"

All:  "Praise Calliope!"

A-as-P:  "Praise Calliope!  Are you praisin' Calliope?!"

A-as-P's Voice:  "Get `em up!  Come on!  Get `em up!  There you
go, Istafan-- "

A-as-P:  "-- to the sky to praise her!  Praise her!  Praise her!
Praise Calliope!"

G:  "Can you believe this?"

A-as-P's Voice:  "Come on, folks.  Give it up for the goddess."

Tara [Interrupting]:  "He suckered everyone."

A-as-P's Voice:  "Wave those hand for the muse."

X:  "No-- not everyone."

A-as-P's Voice [In Background]:  "Don't you-- .  Get `em up and
praise her!  She's up there!  She can't hear!  Louder!  Louder
out of you!  That a boy!  Praise her!  Praise her!  Praise
Calliope!  Praise Calliope!"


X:  "Telamon-- you didn't stay for the end of Phillipan's

Tel [Sighs]:  "I, uh-- had all this work to get done."

X:  "Oh, that explains it.  I thought, maybe you felt that
Phillipan's ideas were a little-- extreme."

Tel:  "Well, they certainly are strict.  But I'm sure he and
Istafan know what's best."

X:  "It's a pity that the kids don't feel that way.  You know, I
sure hate to see children pitted against their own parents."

Tel:  "That's ridiculous!  Andros is my life.  He's a good boy.
He's the most important thing in my life, now his brother's

X:  "His brother?"

Tel:  "Yeah.  He moved to Athens a few years back."

X:  "Why?"

Tel:  "He got a job there.  But Andros is gonna stay here with
me.  A little moral teaching isn't gonna frighten _him_ off."

X:  "Well, I'm glad you feel that way.  You know what?!  This
Phillipan might be _just_ what this town needs."

A-as-P:  "I'm tellin' you, Istafan-- I see signs of decadence
everywhere I go in this town.  Do you realize, on my way here-- I
saw two people-- holding hands?  You know where that can lead?
Now, brother-- "

Tel's Voice:  "Yes?"

A-as-P:  "I noticed last night at the meetin'-- now-- this is
exactly what I'm talkin' about, Istafan.  Look at that filth!"

And's Voice:  "What's wrong with that?"

And:  "My father painted that.  It's where he was born."

A-as-P:  "You painted that?"

Tel:  "Well, I-- know it's not very good."

A-as-P:  "Good?!  It's an abomination!  Don't tell me you don't
see it!  Look.  Look at the firmness of those rounded peaks!
The-- cleft in that valley."

Ist:  "Ahhh!  And the tower!  Thrusting skyward!  Oh, Phillipan's
right.  It's obscene!"

And:  "That's _not_ true.  My father's a good man.  He wouldn't
paint anything wrong!"

A-as-P:  "Son-- even good men can fall prey to bad influences.
The painting must be destroyed.  Calliope has spoken.  Praise

People's Voices:  "Yes!"

A-as-P's Voice:  "Praise her!"

People's Voice:  "Praise Calliope!  Praise Calliope!"


Woman's Voice, Singing:  "I'm a candle in the wind.
My future flickers `fore my eyes.
I'm too restless to be satisfied with silence.
So, I'll push further through the night."

"Say you wanna put me out-- when I'm lonely.
No, I've heard those lies before.
`Cause the fire inside, it just keeps burning.
Just won't stand it anymore."

"You came along.  You pulled me up-- when I was down.
The way you made me feel just took me by surprise.
You took my hand.  You stole my heart.  You fed the fire.
When you moved with me, you gave me back my life."

"Let the spirit move me.
Let the spirit move me.
Let your spirit move me.
Let your spirit move me."

"Let the spirt move me.
Let the spirit move me."

Tara:  "What is it, Andros?  What's the matter?"

And:  "I'm leaving, Tara-- for good.  And I want you to come with


G:  "Ah!  Cha-cha-cha."

X:  "Settle down.  You're calling attention to us."

G:  "I can't help it."

X:  "Have you seen Tara?  She's supposed to meet me and tell me
how it's going with the other kids."

G:  "No, I haven't seen her.  What's wrong?"

X:  "Nothing, I hope."

Tel:  "She's gone.  They're both gone."



And:  "Xena?"

X:  "So, off you go again.  It was all about the cute guy, wasn't

And:  "Hey-- it wasn't her idear [sic] to leave!  I asked Tara to
come with me!"

X:  "Really?"

And:  "I've had it!  I've had it with their backward idears
[sic]!  Their rules!  Their laws!  My brother found a great job
in Athens!  That's where we're heading."

X:  "Mmm-- and after that?  You mean, you didn't tell him, Tara?"

And:  "Tell me what?"

X:  "That running away isn't a solution.  It's what cowards do
when they're not willing to stand and fight for what they believe
in.  Isn't that right, Tara?  Look, Andros-- I understand why you
wanna leave.  But you should understand what it means.  It means
you never stop.  It means no home, and no family-- and your
father loses another son.  And it means not sticking around ever
long enough to help the ones you actually claim you care about.
You know, Tara, I got involved with this because I thought I
sensed a change in you, somehow."


G:  "I'm really getting into these metal patches.  I like steel."

Auto:  "Gabrielle, I sense that there's some-- pent-up-- energy--
some-- frustration eating at you-- some-- unresolved desire.  Ha!
I can tell, you need to get-- "

G:  "-- dancing!  I just wanna dance."

Auto:  "Uh, well, actually, I was on a different track."

G:  "You know?  I hope that Tara can talk those kids into going
along with this."

Auto:  "Yeah?  Well, if she doesn't, uh-- I'll be squandering one
of my finest performances."

A-as-P:  "Oh-- ha-ha-ha-- good day to you, Istafan.  Are you
ready to see the seeds planted that will _sprout_ into the fruits
of our labors?"

Ist:  "Uh-- yes.  Uh, Phillipan, uh, I must ask-- do you really
think-- ?  What's _that_ you're doing, young lady?!"

G:  "I'm just nervous."

Ist:  "Well-- as I was saying, well-- "

G:  "Yeah?"

Ist:  "Do you _really_ think milit'ry training's what our
children need?"

A-as-P:  "`Course.  See?  All that excess energy-- that used to
be squandered on degenerate dance-- "

Ist:  "Oh."

A-as-P:  "-- can now be channeled into martial discipline.  Well,
I guarantee it'll work.  See, I talked Xena-- into leadin' the
drill herself.  Oooh!  She'll _whoop_ `em into shape!

Ist:  "It's just that there's an election tomorrow.  This may not
be that popular with the voters-- I mean, the-- public."

A-as-P:  "Oh."

Tara:  "Left!  Left!  Left, right, left!  Left!  Left!  Left,
right, left!  Left!  Left!  Left, right, left!"

A-as-P [Interrupting]:  "Oh, doesn't that look good?  Praise

Tara:  "Left!  Left!  Left, right, left!  Left!  Left!  Left,
right, left!  Halt!"

X:  "All right, now, let's get this going.  We're here to purify
your minds.  We're here to give you a little focus.  Now, that's
a very important word for you-- focus!  Say it with me!"

All:  "Focus!"

A-as-P:  "Focus."

Ist:  "F-f-focus."

X:  "You all right?"

G:  "Yeah-- get on with it."

X:  "So, some of you think that dance is a way to express your
inner feelings-- it's an art.  Well, Phillipan has asked me to
show you a _real_ art-- the art of war!"

All:  "War!  War!  War!"

X's Voice:  "So, this first move is called, `Defense of the
perimeter, ' and it insures-- "

X:  "-- that anyone who gets in your space loses an arm!  A leg!
Or a vital body part!  Ha-ha!  Then let us begin.  One!  Two!
Three.  Four!  Five."

A-as-P:  "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Ha."

X:  "Altogether, now  One!  Two.  Three!  Four!  Five!"

A-as-P:  "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."

Ist:  "You were right.  This is going down very well with the
voters-- I mean, the-the parents."

X:  "With respect-- I tend to work better without an audience."

Ist:  "Oh-- no problem!  Clear the area!  Xena needs to work!
Now, everyone except the children-- home!"

X:  "OK-- so you guys have seen the basic moves.  And now, if you
give us some space-- my lovely assistant and I will put it
together.  Gabrielle-- .  All right-- who's next?"


A-as-P:  "Thank you.  Thank you, but really-- you give me-- too
much credit.  The great changes-- that have been introduced to
this town recently are the doin's of-- my friend.  I hope I can
call ya that."

Man's Voice:  "Speech!"

A-as-P:  "Ha-ha-- come on up here.  You know who he is!  My
friend-- Istafan!  Ha-ha-ha-ha."

Man's Voice:  "Very good!"

A-as-P:  "Xena?  I understand today's teachings went well."

X:  "Very well, Phillipan.  The kids are quick learners.  I'm
hoping to begin lessons in swordplay by the end of the week."

A-as-P's Voice:  "In one week."

A-as-P:  "Praise Calliope!"

All:  Praise Calliope!"

A-as-P:  "Ha-ha.  That is absolutely wonderful."

A-as-P's Voice:  "Well, then, strategies and tactics can't be far
behind, can they?"

A-as-P:  "Did you show `em those _hand-to-hand_ killing

X:  "Tomorrow."

Tel:  "No!  My child is not going to learn how to kill!  I won't
have it!  Teaching them to kill to take their minds off dance?!
Have you heard anything more ridiculous?!"

X:  "Uh-- perhaps you can talk about that with Istafan after the
elections-- when things have calmed down a little-- when the
children are more, uh-- focused."

Tel:  "After the election is too late.  Andros-- your brother,
Thanos, didn't leave because he found a job in Athens.  He left
because he didn't wanna be here.  He hated this place-- hated
what we made of it.  I've already lost one son because of _our_
ignorance.  I refuse to lose another!  But I know I will-- unless
things change!  As of tonight-- I intend to run against Istafan--
as chief magistrate of our town!  We need change!  Or our
children will leave us.  And our town will die."

G:  "It looks as though you'll have a real election, now."

And:  "Father."

G:  "I wouldn't worry about it, though"

Ist:  "Oh-- I'm not worried."



Tel:  "So today-- when you raise your arm to vote, remember--
you're not voting for Istafan or I-- you're voting for a sane way
to deal with our traditions!  Our children!"

All:  "And our tures!"

Tel:  "Thank you!"

All:  [Cheer]

G:  "What are you looking for?"

X:  "Licinus-- where is he?"

Tel:  "How did I do with your speech?"

G:  "It was fine.  You did drop the line about everlasting
judgment and posterity."

Tel:  "Well, I thought it was a little over the top."

G:  "Oh, really?"

X:  "Let it go, Gabrielle."

A-as-P:  "Praise Calliope!"

All:  "Praise Calliope!"

A-as-P:  "Brother Istafan asked me to say a few words on his
behalf.  Sinners, beware!"

A-as P's Voice:  "Your time is at hand."

Ist:  "Everyone!  Stay calm!  Licinus-- have the militia search
for the perpetrator!"

Militia-Men:  "Over here, quickly!  I'll check the alley!"
"We'll cover the gates!"

Ist:  "People!  This-- is what I was afraid of!"

Ist's Voice:  "Telamon-- wanted change!"

Ist:  "Well!  I guess he got it, all right!  Our first
assassination attempt!"

Ist's Voice:  "With all this dissension we've been having
lately-- "

Ist:  "-- I think it only makes sense that the assassin was-- !"

X:  "-- Licinus."

Woman's Voice:  "Oh!"

Man's Voice:  "Licinus?"

Ist:  "Licunus?  Well-- well, that's ridiculous!  It was one of
those young rebels!"

X:  "Any time I have ever seen Istafan-- Licinus has been at his
side-- until today-- when suddenly, for the most _important_
event of the year-- he's not here."

Ist:  "He was looking after security matters!"

X:  "Well, he didn't do a very good job then, did he?"

Ist:  "Aw, this is ridiculous!  Why would I want Phillipan

X:  "Who said anything about you, Istafan?  I was talking about

Man's Voice:  "Yes."

Ist:  "What I meant was, aah-- someone under my-- I-- I mean,
uh-- someone who works for me-- "

X:  "You're lost for words?  That's somewhat outta character,
don't ya think?  Istafan wanted Phillipan dead `cause he thought
he could scare you into thinking change would bring anarchy.
This man would do anything to remain in power-- including lying--
murdering, and brutalizing your children."

Ist:  "It's-it's all lies.  Everything I've done was for the sake
of the children."

X:  "Then it'll be interesting to see how you deal with _this_."

Ist:  "Hmm-- militia!  Militia!  Arrest them all!"

X:  "Come and get some!"

A-as-P's Voice:  "Wait!"

A-as-P:  "I have seen the light!  Calliope has spoken to me!  The
_scales_ have fallen from my eyes!  Hoo-hoo!  Hee-haw!
Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!  Ha-ha-ha-ha.  Let's dance.  Here we go!  Whoa!
Ho-ho!  Come on.  Whoa!  There you go!  Whoa!  Ho-ho-ho!"

X:  "Wait!"


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