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TRANSCRIPTION OF
THE PLAY'S THE THING



"The Play's the Thing"  Episode 85/417

[TEASER]

G and X:  [Hum]

G:  "It's no use.  I can't get it out of my mind, even with
yoga."

X:  "Well, ya can't say thatcha didn't try.  And ya can't say
that _I_ didn't try."

G:  "I appreciate that.  But, Xena-- it was one of my favorite
scrolls-- a new one-- charting our history through the prism of
time-- it was-- "

G and X:  "-- a more intimate-- "

X:  "-- examination of our relationship and on and on.  You've
been talking about it ever since we left Paraeus."

G:  "I can't recreate the beauty-- the essence."

X:  "Then, Gabrielle, go back for it."

G:  "Hmm?"

X:  "Gabrielle-- the prince needs my help in Arcon.  I'm gonna go
ahead.  You go back to Paraeus and catch up with me when you
can."

G:  "Are you sure?"

X:  "Sure, I'm sure.  Go on, make us both happy."

G:  "Thank you."

X:  "Don't mention it."

G:  "OK."

X:  "Well, when I say, `Don't mention it,' I mean-- you can
mention it.  It's just a figure of speech.  You don't have to
take it literally.  It wouldn't kill ya to maybe to look back or
something.  Aw, rats.  All right, Argo, it's just you and me."

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Tavernkeeper:  "Welcome!  Welcome!"

Sophocles [Soph]'s Voice:  "-- it was her underwear!"

Woman's Voice:  "You're _much_ funnier than Euripides!"

Soph:  "I am!  [Laughs]  Oh!  Hu-uh?"

G:  "Not in your lifetime.  Thank you."

Soph:  [Sighs]

G [Sighs]:  "We came through here."

Soph:  "She'll never work in this town again."

G:  "We walked this way.  We said hi to the tavernkeeper.  We
almost-- "

Jox:  "Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h!  Ooh!"

G:  "Joxer."

Jox:  [Moans]

Tavernkeeper's Voice:  "Lousy drunk!"

Jox:  "I'm not drunk!  I just _trip_ over things like that!"

Tavernkeeper:  "Ah-h!"

G:  "Joxer, what are you doing?"

Jox:  "Hi.  Gabrielle-- wow!  Uh, your hair.  Did that hurt?  Uh,
what's that you're wearing?"

G:  "Sari."

Jox:  "Don't apologize.  It looks good."

G:  "Joxer, I'm looking for something.  It's very important.
It's close to my heart, and I know it's here, somewhere."

Jox:  "Oh, uh-- you mean, uh-- like a feeling?  D-d'ya get it
often?  Like-- now-- for example?"

G:  "Yeah, because I know the scroll is here, somewhere."

Jox:  "Oh-- scroll.  Well-- maybe you left it in one of these
theaters."

G [Sighs]:  "I wish I had.  Paraeus is the great Appian Way.  You
know, I could spend a week going to all these plays."

Jox:  "Yeah.  Yeah, I-I-I love theater-- myself.  Uh-- Euripi--
cles and Sopha [sic]-- more."

G:  "Euripides.  Sophocles."

Jox:  "Yeah, those guys, too."

G:  "Ah, Sophocles.  If I could pick one person to be my mentor.
His writing is-- perfect."

Jox:  "Hey!  Whaddya say-- you and me go to a-- Sophocles play?
I'll bring a bag 'a oats, and, you know-- "

G:  "Joxer, I really have to find my-- "

Zera's Voice:  "-- masterpiece!  Is that what you're looking
for?"

G:  "My scroll.  This is it.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Where did
you find it?"

Zera:  "I was sitting in the little girls' house, and there it
was, right beside me."

G:  "I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of money for a reward."

Zera:  "Reward schmeward!  The fates have already rewarded me
enough.  I-- am Zera-- a producer-- of plays.  This is my
associate, Milo."

G:  "I'm Gabrielle-- the writer."

Jox:  "I'm, uh, Joxer-- her associate.  Joxer-- the Mighty.
You've probably read about me in those scrolls [Chuckles]--
didn't she?"

Zera:  "Oh.  Oh, oh, that was you.  Oh!  [Laughs]  Oh!  Very
good!  I must say, in that stall, I saw greatness."

G:  "Really."

Zera:  "Your scroll, I wa-I was-- _swept_ away by the majesty of
your words-- the-the brilliance-- the-- soul-changing dynamic of
your vision.  This work _must_ be seen-- on the stage.  And I--
I-- would be so humbled if you would allow me to produce it."

G [Sighs]:  "That's very flattering.  I-- I can't."

Zera:  "Hmm."

G:  "Uh, Xena needs me in Arcon.  I-- .  Besides, my scroll is
meant to be read-- not performed."

Zera:  "Gabrielle, I- I know we're just like typical, flashy,
show-biz types to you, but-- I got into this business because I
believe in the arts.  There is _so_ much garbage around but--
when I saw your scrolls, well-- this-- is-- substance.  Hmm?
Don't the people deserve to see it?  Please?  Please?"

Jox [Aside to G]:  "To think that people could be touched by
sum'in' left in a bathroom."

G:  "If I were to rewrite it-- for the stage-- I could show
people all the lessons I learned in India-- about peace and--
happiness.  I'll do it."

Zera:  "Thank you!  Thank you, Gabrielle!  There is-- theater--
in your soul."

G [Reads]:  "`And the very air sang with harmony as Xena lay down
her sword.  And Humungus, ennobled by her gesture, lay his down
as well.  OK!  I'll get back to you right after I send word to
Xena.'"

Jox:  "Oh?  Yeah?  Ah-- well-- pretty good-- `Humungus was
ennobled'-- all that.  [Chuckles]  Pretty good."  [Chuckles]

Milo:  "`The air-- sang with-- harmony'?"

Zera:  "I know!"  [Laughs]

Milo:  "Zera, baby-- what scam are you up to now?  Usually, I can
smell the money [Sniffs]-- but I'm not sure what I'm [Sniffs]--
smelling here."

Zera:  "What if I told you we found the golden fleece, and her
name is-- Gabrielle?"

Milo:  "You-- bad girl.  What are you up to?  If the village
witnesses this garbage-- they'll throw your playwright right out
of town.

Zera:  "Oh, dear heart, if she's lucky.  The people I'm thinking
of are liable to kill her."

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[ACT I]

[ATHENS ACADEMY THEATER
Presents
SOPHOCLES'
"THE WOMEN OF TRACHIS"

TITAN PLAYHOUSE
Direct from Rome!

"A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON
THE WAY TO THE ACROPOLIS"
Original Cast!

BY-THE-GODS
PERFORMING ARTS CENTER
30th Smash Week!

"Oh, Zeus"

A Divine Comedy.
Laugh Or Be Smitten!]

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[APOLLO]

Jox:  "What a dump.  Where's the the-_a_-ter?"

Zera:  "This is the theater, dear boy.  The Apollo is known
throughout the world."

Jox:  "Mm-hmm-- as a dive."

Zera:  "Here it is."

G:  "Needs a little cleaning-- and a touch of paint-- here--
there-- there-- but-- I can see it."

Zera [Sighs]:  "I knew I made the right choice.  You have an
innate vision, Gabrielle.  You see through the exterior to the
ghosts of performances past."

Jox:  "Ghost?  Where?  Whoo!  Whoa-oa-oa-oa-ah--ah-ooh!
Al-l-l-l-l the way down here!"

Zera:  "I'm-- a true believer of the auteur theory.  You-- are
the creator, the writer.  I cannot allow someone else to
interpret your vision.  Therefore-- I want you to also be the
director."

G:  "The director."

Zera:  "Yes."

Jox's Voice:  "Ow!"

G:  "Oh [Chuckles]-- I-I've-- never-- done anything like that
before."

Zera:  "Oh, but it must be you.  There's so much to take care
of-- casting-- set design-- rehearsals.  You'll need an
assistant."

Jox [Sighs]:  "Oh!  Oh!  Can I?!  Please?!  Can I be-- an
assistant?!"

Zera:  "Enthusiasm is so important.  You should give him a task
that is worthy of it."

G:  "OK, Joxer.  It's you."

Jox:  "Great!  Um-- OK!  OK!  Um-- we'll start by putting up-- a
new flap [?] back there-- a _whole_ Aegean sunset.  Then we'll,
uh-- we'll have to tear out these walls, 'cause we need a new
persineum-- you know-- uh-- and, uh-- I'll, uh-- meet the press!
`How do you do?  How-- do you do?'  Ha-ha-ha-ha.  And, uh-- hmm--
I'll hafta have lunch with an agent."

G:  "A-ha-- I know just the job to start you with."

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Jox:  "`Open casting call.  "Gabrielle and Xena-- A Message of
Peace."'  Hey-- do you mind?  I'm trying to-- fill out my last
will and testament."

Therax [Ther]:  "Huh-- a new play-- it sounds good.  Oh, I can't
wait to see it.  [?] son of Zeus!  I love the theater!"

Jox:  "Wow!  This place is great!  Even the _warlords_ love the
theater!  Ha-ha-ha!  Ow!  Oh-h!"

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Woman's Voice:  "I have many skills.  Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!"

A Woman:  "Oh-h-h-h!  I'm too fat!"

Woman's Voice:  "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!"

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"G":  "But Xena-- you followed the violent approach in the past,
and what has come of it but more violence?!"

G:  "Thank you.  Next!"

"G":  "Huh?"  [Sighs]

G:  "I didn't realize casting Gabrielle would be so difficult.
There's j-- it's a subtlety to the character.  I'm no-- Zera--
Zera."

Zera:  "Sorry, my dear.  Your beautiful prose already rings in my
head.  So, I'm-- looking for a certain physical presence.  Maybe
you should take a break from Gabrielles and try casting a Xena."

G:  "You-- you look like Xena.  Can you act?"

"X" [Clears throat]:  "You were right, Gabrielle.  How could have
I been so blind?"

G:  "O-OK, now, um-- try it like Xena-- would."

"X":  "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!  Ay-yi-yi!  You were right, Gabrielle.
How could have I been so blind?"

G:  "She'll do.  Besides, Xena requires more of an athlete.
Great!  Uh-- back to the Gabrielles!"

Minya's Voice:
"Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!  Hee-yah!
Ay-yah!  Never fear!  Xena is here!"

G:  "Minya-- what are you doing here?"

Minya:  "Auditioning-- now my dream of being Xena can finally
come true!"

G:  "I-I'm sorry, Minya, but the part's-- been cast."

Minya:  "What, this bag of bones?  She couldn't shoo a mule, let
alone bust heads!"

"X":  "I can too shoo a mule!  Shoo!"

Minya:  "Oh!  Why, you-- !"

Zera:  "Well, I see you have everything well in hand, my dear.  I
must run `n' meet with an inverstor.  Good luck, darling!"

Minya:  "I was born to play this role.  As soon as I heard you
were doing this, I knew _I_ was what you wanted!"

G:  "Uh-uh-- Minya-- how about playing a villain?  They usually
have the best roles.  I  can write something for you."

Minya:  "Well-- I could still use my Xena dark side, couldn't I?"
[Growls]

Man's Voice:  "Do you see what I see?!"

G:  "Oh, my gods!  Oh, my gods, a centaur."

Dustinus Hoofmanus [DH]:  "I understand you're putting on a play.
My name is Dustinus Hoofmanus.  I wish to audition."

G:  "Centaurs do not do plays [Chuckles].  There isn't a centaur
in the entire Appian Way.  Incredible!"

DH:  "Yes-- I am."

Minya:  "Hm-m-m.  Hm-m-m-m-m-m-m-m."

G:  "You're hired.  I don't care what I have to do.  You'll be in
the script, I promise."

DH:  "Thank you.  Oh, by the way-- I do not play quadrupeds.
Make sure the role reflects that."

G:  "What?"

DH:  "I do not play four-legged creatures."

G:  "But you're a centaur."

DH:  "I am an actor!  I refuse to limit myself."

Minya:  "Ts-s-s!  Gonna make _him_ play a villain, too?"

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G:  "A Sophocles play?  A brand-new Sophocles play?  It's opening
opposite mine."

Jox:  "Yeah, everyone was talkin' about it.  Great art, huh?"

G:  "Ah, it's a disaster.  Sophocles is the master of prose, of--
feeling, of-- plumbing the emotional depths of human existence."

Jox:  "Hmm-- writes good, too."

G [Sighs]:  "No one's gonna see my play-- not with his opening
the same night as mine."

Jox:  "Hey, that's not true, Gabrielle.  I just ran into this
warlord.  He said he was _definitely_ coming to see your play--
seriously."

G:  "That's it!"

Jox:  "What?"

G:  "Who _cares_ who sees my play, as long as the _right_ people
see it?!  This warlord-- _he_ wants to hear my message of peace.
That's who my play speaks to.  Fantastic.  It's the artist's
dream."

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Kaelus [Kae]:  "Art `Smart'!  All I care about is getting my
money-- so I can buy those weapons my army needs."

Zera:  "Don't worry, Kaelus.  As a major investor, you'll get 75
% of the profits.  Gabrielle is doing this for next to nothing.
All the credit goes to her."

Kae:  "Hmm.  Where's my drink?!"

Milo:  "My little bowl of vipers-- let me get this right.  You
sold-- Kaelus the Conqueror-- 75 % interest in the play, right?"

Zera:  "Yes, dearest."

Milo:  "But you also sold 75 % to the warlord Therax the
Terrible.  Doesn't quite add up.  If the play _is_ a success-- "

Zera:  "_If_ it was a success-- they would both want their
money-- 75% each.  But _you've_ read that play.  It can't
_possibly_ succeed.  And if it's a failure-- "

Milo:  "-- they won't even _try_ to collect-- and we keep the
investments." [Chuckles]

Zera:  "Oo-o-oh, they'll try to collect, all right, but it won't
be from us.  It'll be from-- "

Kae:  "It had better be a success."

Zera:  "Great."

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[ACT II]

Zera:  "Go on."

Jox [Clears throat]:  "Hi, Gaby.  I-- like the colors you're
using on that flag."

G:  "Thank you.  It's the background vista to Xena's redemption
scene."

Jox:  "Mm-hmm.  Um-- listen, uh-- I was talkin' with Zera-- and,
uh-- she thinks-- that-- you might need someone to take over some
of the more-- noncreative aspects of the show."

Zera:  "Publicity, promotion, ticket sales-- artists cannot be
bothered with trifles like that."

Jox:  "Right."

G:  "OK.  Thanks, Joxer."

Jox:  "Mm-hmm.  That's why she made me the producer."

G:  "You?  The producer?  Of _my_ play?!  Not in this world!  Not
in this life!  Not on this stage!"

Zera:  "Gabrielle-- "

Jox's Voice:  "OK-- "

Zera:  "Please-- producers have no weight in this community.  The
stage is for the artists.  We are merely functionaries."

G:  "Does this require him to spend time outside the theater?"

Zera:  "Almost exclusively."

G:  "OK."

Zera:  "Good!  Must rush, darling."  [Makes kissing noises]

Jox:  [Moans]

G:  "Joxer-- selling a show takes more than hanging posters.  You
really need to get inside the minds of the people and find out
what they want."

Jox:  "Hey-- I'm a people.  I know what _I_ want.  I _know_--
what _I_ like."

G:  "Doesn't matter, anyway.  I know who my audience is."

Jox:  "Well-- well, that's great.  That's perfect.  You're the
creative side-- and I'm the business guy."

G:  "What are you doing?"

Jox:  "This is the worst field I've ever seen."

G:  "Because it's an ocean."  [Growling noise]

Jox:  "Hmm."

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G:  "I want you all to know-- that this is a collaboration."

Jox:  "That's right."

G:  "The success or failure of this show rides on all of us-- not
one person."

Minya:  "Well, _I'm_ not gonna take the blame if she turns out to
be a lousy Xena."

"X":  "Ow!  Wouldn't be _my_ fault!  It'd be-- the Gabrielle!
She's got all the lines.  Hey-- who _did_ get that part?"

G [Chuckles]:  "Finding the right Gabrielle proved to be-- more
difficult than I expected."

Jox:  "_Very_ difficult."

G:  "I realized that only one person can fully capture the
spiritual essence of Gabrielle-- someone who actually lived that
truth."

Jox:  "_Lived_-- the truth."

G:  "So, I-- I cast myself."

Jox:  "So, sh-- "

Minya [Aside]:  "Couldn't see _that_ one coming, could we?"

Man:  [Laughs]

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G:  "`So, remember, Xena-- faith is not a jump-- in the night--
but a walk-- in the light.'"

"X":  "`Look-- it's King Whatsis-- approaching on his-- '"

"Bearded" Man:  "`-- horse!'"

"X":  "`-- horse!'"

"King Whatsis [K What]":  "`Hello, there, friends, Gabrielle and
Xena.  I seek your help.  The warlord, Humungus, is behaving in a
destructive way-- no doubt as a result of his impoverished
upbringing and other societal factors beyond his control.'"

"X":  "`Here he comes, now!'"

"Humungus [Hum]":  "`I am the warlord, Humungus!  Are you--
Xena?'"

"X":  "`I am.  Come-- sit down.  We wish-- to give you-- '"

All:  "`-- a message of peace.'"

"Hum":  "`OK.'"

G:  "And, curtain!  Could that have gone better?!  Great work!
Great drama.  OK, let's keep going.  Minya-- come on, it's your
big scene."

Minya:  "Yeah-- ow-- my big scene where I-- talk my issues out
more.  It seems like all we do is talk.  You know, maybe the play
might be even better-- if we just clobbered some skulls."

Actors:  [Murmur]

G [Sighs]:  "No, Xena doesn't do that.  Her message is of peace."

Jox:  "Yeah.  Um-- Gabrielle, the play is-- great.  Um-- maybe if
we just had a different-- title."

G:  "Like what?  `Springtime for Warlords'?"

Jox:  "Oh, w-well, or-- uh-- `Blood, Guts, and Babes.'"

Minya:  "`Wild Men in Rubber.'"

"Hum":  "Or-- `Big Boys in Boxers!'"

"X":  "That would be great!"

Jox's Voice:  "You're on the right track, you know?"

"K What":   "`Chorus of Showgirls!"

G:  "Stop it.  [Mouths `Stop it.']  Stop it!  Stop it!  This is
my play!  Now, I _am_ in charge here, and I say we can make a few
changes, but we will not-- ruin my vision!"

Jox:  "Well; well; well; well.  Aren't you all ashamed of
yourselves.  Gabrielle put her heart and _soul_ into this play.
And as a producer, I'm ashamed for all of you.  But as a
producer-- I have a few little changes to make.  First, we-- "

All:  [Mutter incoherently]

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Milo:  "Zera-- so good to see you.  Therax, here wants to _check_
on his investment."

Zera:  "Oh."

Therax [Ther]:  "Yeah, that's right.  And if I don't like what I
see-- I'm grinding my profits from the bones of your little
playwright."

Zera:  "Uh, Therax, sweetheart-- don't worry.  The show is a
guaranteed moneymaker.  I  can't say it enough.  This Gabrielle--
she's an absolute genius."

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G:  "I have inner peace.  I _can_ work with amatours [sic].  In
with love; out with hate.  In with love.  Out with hate."

Jox:  "Well, I just gotta tell her that that's-- just the way
it's gotta be.  Gabrielle-- we were all talking and, um-- we just
wanted to say that-- we're sorry."

G:  "Thank you.  And I want to apologize for losing control.  I
promise, it won't happen again.  OK?  Well, let's start where we
left off-- scene 84.  OK, first positions.  Let's go.  Pollena,
when you're ready."

"X":  "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-ya!"

G:  "`Xena, is that you?  I have pr-- '  What happened to your
costume?"

"X":  "Ask my producer."

Jox:  "Ooh."

Jox's Voice:  "Gr-r-r-r-r-r.  Um-- "

Jox:  "I just figured-- you know-- a little eye candy-- what's
the harm?  Doesn't affect the vision thing.  It's-- all still the
same.  So-- go on."

G:  "OK.  Uh-- let's move on to Act 8.  Um, it'll be the, um,
entrance of Whatsis.  I'll give the cue.  [Sighs]  `Look-- it's
King Whatsis on his horse.'"

"K What":  "`Hello, Gabrielle and Xena.  I have battled the
warlord, Humungus.  His army destroyed my entire battalion.'"

G:  "What's this?  It's-- it's blood.  You have a head on your
stick.  These are your changes?  Blood?  Sex?"

Jox:  "Uh-- and a hot tub.  I got the guys workin' on it in the
back.  I thought to myself, `Joxer-- what is it that _you_ like?'
And I figured, `That's what the public wants.'"

G:  "Artists aren't supposed to care what the public wants.
We're not doing this for money."

Man:  "Well, _I_ am."

Women's Voices:  "So am I!"  "Me, too!"

G:  "Look-- if you don't like my message, you can _all_ take
off."

Man:  "Huh!  Hmm!"

G:  "No good playwright would have her art reduced to garbage for
the sake of a few dinars!"

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G:  "I wonder what Sophocles would say.  Why don't I ask him?
Artist to artist."

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Sophocles [Soph]:  "I asked for blood!  You call _that_ blood?!
And shorten those skirts!"

G:  "Sophocles?"

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Jox:  "It's her play, and we're gonna apol-- "

G:  "OK."

Jox:  "Hi, Gabrielle.  Uh-- listen.  We were talking-- and, uh--
we just wanna tell you, we think you're-- "

G:  "I have an announcement to make.  A message means nothing if
no one hears it.  A flower in the forest is just a plant if no
one sees it.  We're gonna need more blood.  I want more skin.  I
want action.  I want weapons.  I want-- battlefields with beaten,
bloodied bodies.  We're gonna take this little flower and we're
gonna _cram_ it down their throats for their own good."

Jox:  "What about the critics?"

G:  "It'll kill 'em all."

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[ACT III]

Jox:  "`Faster, chakram; kill, kill, kill.'  Oh, boy.
Ah-h-h-h-h!  Hah-hah-h-h!  Oh!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!"

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G:  "`Kill `em all!  Kill `em all!'  You see?  It's from the back
of the throat.  It's much more guttural.  I mean, we have to
believe the anger, the hatred for life-- OK?  Now, make that
audience shiver."

"X":  "`Kill!  Kill `em all!'"

Minya:  "Yeah, they'll shiver, all right-- with laughter."
[Smirks]

"X":  "Like you could do better."

Minya:  "You bet I could."

"X" [Mockingly]:  "Well, you can't-- 'cause I got the part.
Nah-h-h-h-h-h!"

[Fight]

G:  "That's good.  Sell it to the back row!"

Zera:  "Gabrielle!  Dear-- I, um-- see you've made some changes.
I hope this won't get in the way of your vision."

G:  "No.  The vision's fine.  Look, we're gonna need a bit more
in the way of cash."

Zera:  "More?  But, darling-- we were very specific about the
budget.  The investors-- "

G:  "[If] the investors want a hit, they can cough up the cash.
You tell them.  And if they don't-- I announce bankruptcy and we
close the doors, but I am _not_ going to take this bird out until
she can fly."

Zera:  "Well-- I'll see what I can do."

G:  "Good.  OK.  OK.  Can you lift her up?  Lift her up."

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Milo:  "But, sweet of my tooth-- if she increases the budget-- "

Zera:  "-- she reduces our profit.  I know."

Milo:  "We could just let her shut down.  I mean, this--
_travesty_ of a _mockery_ of a play comes to an end and we're
home-- "

Zera:  "And what, my little addlebrain?  The investors would come
at us, the money people.  No.  No, no-- we have to come up with
something before Gabrielle turns us into a legitimate
enterprise."

Milo:  "We could ask the warlords for more money."

Zera:  "I'm already pushing the limit on their percentages as it
is."

Milo:  "Well-- the warlord, Cleon, is in town."

Zera:  "Cleon?!  Are you kidding?!  Cleon fund a play about Xena?
He _hates_ Xena.  She defeated him twice-- humilitated him in
battle.  But with the right sales pitch-- "

Milo:  "I get-- chills when that delicious brain of yours
clicks."

Zera:  [Squeals]

Milo:  "May I kiss you?"

Zera:  "Stop it."

Milo:  "Sorry."

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G:  "Put the hot tub-- center stage.  I want the audience to get
an eyeful.  Pollena, Pollena-- no, no, no.  You need to grin
wildly-- like you can't wait to hack him into pieces-- before you
_chop_ his head off!  `This is for you, Humungus, you _vile_
bastard!'  Do you get it?"

"X":  [Yells, then cat screeches off-stage]

G:  "What am I doing?  All this sex, blood, violence?  Have I
gone crazy?"

Jox:  "Gabrielle!  We just sold out the first night!"

G:  "C-razy like a fox!  I want more blood!  Let's make it
_gushing_!"

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Cleon [Cle]:  "How'd you get Gabrielle to spill all of Xena's
weaknesses?"

Zera:  "Simple-- by having her write and direct a play about her
friend.  And she told _everything_, right, Milo?"

Milo:  "Everything."

Cle:  "If anyone could get to Xena-- it would be that little
friend of hers.  I'm in."

Zera:  "Perfect!"

Milo:  "Good!"

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[Song]:  "`Listen, now, and you will hear
The action-packed tale of Xena.
Xena!  Xena!  Xena, Warrior Princess.  Wo-o-o-o-o-o-oh!'"

"X":  "`Wow!  I'm really wet!'"

G:  "`Oh-oh-- me, too!'"

"K What":  "`Ah-h-h-h!  Xena!  I've been searching for you high
and low!  Please help rid my kingdom of that scourge--
Humungus!'"

G [Sighs]:  "`Xena!  It's the warlord, Humungus!  Help me!'"

"X"  [Yells]

"K What":  [Cheers]

Ther:  "Inspirational."

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-------------------------------

Milo:  "Please say it again.  How much do we stand to make?"

Zera:  "What can I say?  A lot!"  [They laugh.]

Kae:  "I saw the play."

Zera:  "Uh-- "

Milo:  "Sh-sh-- "

Zera:  "I can explain, uh-- you know what they say, a-- bad dress
rehearsal-- great opening night."

Kae:  "I loved it."

Zera:  "You did?"

Kae:  "Aw, the power-- the passion-- the danger-- the blood,
the-- kick-butt feel!  This show is gonna run for years!"
[Laughs]

Milo:  "Ow.  He-- actually-- liked it?"

Zera:  "This is not good."

Milo:  "If the play's a success, we're-- "

Zera [Interrupts]:  "Don't-- say the `Delta' word.  [Gasps]  The
other warlord, Therax."

Ther:  "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Milo [Gasps]:  "Oh, what could have happened?"

Zera:  "That Joxer-- he was right on the money.  We have to get
Gabrielle back to that boring-- pretentious, heavy-handed
material we fell in love with."

Milo:  "Yes."

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-------------------------------

Jox:  "Now, girls!"

Zera:  "Darlings!  Congratulations!"

Milo:  "Congratulations."

Zera:  "Your play is already the talk of the town.  I ran into
one of the investors-- the warlor, Kaelus the Conquerah [sic]--
he snuck into rehearsal, and what he saw just _blew_ him away!  I
have _never_ seen anyone so galvanized as he was."

Milo:  "Galvanized."

Zera:  "He said he wanted his _entire_ army to see the play!"

Jox:  "Wow.  Uh.  Uh, how many in his army?  We got a matinee
that hasn't sold out yet."

Zera:  "Apparently-- he's planning on invading a neighboring
country and well-- your play is certain to fire up his army!
Goodbye, darlings!"

Milo's Voice:  "Goodbye, darlings!"

Zera:  "See you opening night!"  [They make kissing noises.]

G:  "Oh, my gods."

Jox:  "What?"

G:  "What have I done?"

Jox:  "Well-- apparently, you've created a great motivational
play."

G:  "For warlords.  I sold out, Joxer.  I can't believe it.  I
sold out.  Look-- we are going back to my original vision.  I
don't care how much money we lose.  It's going to be peace--
love-- and changing the world."

Milo and Zera:  [Chuckle]

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-------------------------------

[ACT IV]

Jox:  "Oh-- ta-da!"

G:  "`A Message of Peace.'"

Jox:  "Yep."

G:  "Great.  No pretensions; no ego."

Jox:  "Nope!"

G:  "Gotta hurry!  Pepole should arrive soon."

Jox:  "Right!  Ha-ha-ha."

[Caption:  "A Joxer Production"]

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-------------------------------

Jox [Whispers]:  "Wow.  [Normal Voice]  Gabrielle-- Criticus,
from Borias, is in the audience right now.  Don't worry.  He's
gonna love it.  Your vision's great."

G:  "Thank you."

Jox:  "Hmm."  [Cat screeches]

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G:  "Welcome-- to the premiere performance-- of `Gabrielle and
Xena-- A Message of Peace'.  If you're looking for titillation--
blood-- violence-- you've come to the wrong place."

Crowd:  [Moans]

Kae:  "What's she up to?  Hmm?"

G:  "Behold the love-- the peace-- and be changed."

G:  "`Xena-- fearless-- noble-- a mighty princess, forged in the
heat of battle.  How many lives have been saved by your warrior
heart, once you learned to empty it?'"

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Minya:  "Oh, Joxer, what's up, Bubba?"

Jox:  "Uh-- danger-- violence-- blood?"

Minya:  "No, that was the _good_ version."

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"K What":  "`-- that antisocial way!'"

G:  "`King Whatsis-- take us to Humungus.  We will bring him-- '"

"X" and G:  "`-- a message of peace.'"

Jox:  [Yells]

G:  "Joxer, we're in the middle of a scene."

Jox  [Moans]:  "Bad guy!"

Audience:  [Laughs]

Cle:  "No one takes my money and gets away with it!  You're
coming with me!"

G:  "Humungus-- Cleon-- "

Cle:  "That's right-- Cleon.  If I can't get the secrets of
defeating Xena-- at least I'll get her little friend.  Huh?"

G:  "Xena."

Cle:  "Oh, go away.  You're not even a good actress."

X:  "Now, that was a little uncalled for.  She-yah!"

Audience Member:  "Wow!"

Ther:  "Xena?"

Kae:  "Xena."

Milo and Zera:  "Xena?"

G:  "What are you doing here?"

X:  "Gabrielle, I knew there'd be trouble when I saw the
playbill.  It listed Zera as the contact.  She's the queen of
cons."

G:  "The queen of cons?"

Kae:  "What have you done to my play?!"

Ther:  "_Your_ play?!  _I_ put up the money!  Where's the blood?!
The death?!  Where's all the fun?!"

Kae:  "Get them!"

Ther:  "Come on!"

X:  "No time to talk.  It's time to act."

[Fight]

G:  "Somebody stop them!  Interactive theater!  Everybody-- join
in!"

Audience:  "Ooh!  A centaur!"

Cle:  "Time to give the crowd what they want!"

Jox:  "Hey-- Pee-wee.  Why, you-- ooh!"

Younger Critic:  "The play's not bad.  I just don't buy that
Xena."

Older Critic:  "There's the opening of `Buffus, the Bacchae
Slayer' across the street."

Cle:  "Huh?"

Jox:  [Screams]

Audience:  [Applause and Cheers]

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-------------------------------

X:  "Here's your money-- at least what Zera and Milo didn't
spend.  You can keep it-- or, in the spirit of the play, you
could donate it to an orphanage.  It's your call."

The Three Warlords:  "Orphanage."

X:  "Excellent choice.  As for you, Zera-- "

Zera:  "Oh, oh, oh.  Uh, Xena-- I've seen the error of my ways.
Starting now, I'm gonna find a legitimate career that _best_
suits my natural abilities.  Ooh-- Dustinus!  I've been watching
you, and I am impressed, darling.  Have you ever considered
changing representation?  I'm opening a new agency."

D H [Sighs]:  "Very well.  But what I really want to do-- is
direct."

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-------------------------------

G:  "Ah, it was _stupid_.  To think that people would want to
hear about-- peace and-- love-- instead of sex and violence."

X:  "Well, peace might be boring, but it's all anybody really
wants."

G:  "Yeah-- no one wants to be preached to.  They have to
experience things for themselves.  Still, if I could have touched
one person-- "

Minya:  "Gabrielle, I wanted to thank you!  I never would have
met Pollener [sic] if it wasn't for you!  In fact, the two of you
made me realize something deep down about myself that-- I guess I
always knew, but-- just didn't dare admit.  Yes-- I'm a--
thespian."

X:  "Oh.  Hah.  Congratulations.  You managed to touch
_someone_."

G:  "That's not exactly what I had in mind.  I wanted to change--
violent people into people of peace, not actors.  That is what
she said, right?  Deep down, she's a thespian?  Yeah, um-- that's
what she-- said.  Yeah."

X:  "Why?  What'd you think?"

G:  "Thespian-- "

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Jox:  "Hello?!  You guys?!  Hey!  I'm the producer!  Anybody?!
Hello?!  I'm gonna tell my brother!  Mommy?!"

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