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TRANSCRIPTION OF
TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE



"Takes One to Know One"  Episode 87/419

[TEASER]

Joxer [Jox] [Startles]:  "Surprise!"

Lila and Minya and Cyrene:  "Surprise!  Oh-h-h-h."

Jox:  "Oh!"

X:  "Well, gee, glad to see you, too, Mom."

Cyrene:  "Of course we're glad to see you, dear, but it's not
your birthday."

X:  "No-- and it's not Gabrielle's either-- not until tomorrow."

Jox:  "That's why it's a surprise!  Get it?"

Lila:  "It was Joxer's idea."

X:  "No surprise there.  But here's one for ya."

Autolycus [Auto]:  "Hey!"

X:  "Autolycus-- I wouldn't have picked you for a party boy."

Auto:  "Well-- call me sentimental, but, uh-- I hear the words,
`cake and ice cream' and-- I'm there."  [Chuckles]

X:  "Well-- I'm sorry to say but Gabrielle isn't arriving until
tomorrow.  So if you don't mind-- I'm going to get some
shut-eye."

Cyrene:  "Wait-- not that way.  I've put you in the room next to
mine."

X:  "Really?"

Cyrene:  "Come on, dear."

X:  "OK."

Cyrene:  "You're home so rarely, these days.  I wanted you
close."

X:  "I haven't got that _little_ room, have I?  The bed's too
small."

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X:  "Mom?"

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[Fight]

Discord [Dis]:  "No!  Stop!  Not the face."

X:  "You're right.  I should start at the bottom."

Dis:  "Try that again, you'll be booking a cruise to Tartarus
with your friend here, Xena.  Oh, sure-- _I_ know who you are.
All Olympus knows the Warrior Princess.  Ares has made sure of
that.  He's also made me-- goddess of retribution.  Discord's the
name."

X:  "Retribution, huh?  Guess you gotta start somewhere."

Dis:  "Where I'll start is with the person who did this.  Hand
him over."

X:  "He's all yours."

Dis:  "Very funny-- but it just so happens he was-- otherwise
engaged.  So, cut the comedy."

X:  "You think _I_ did it?"

Dis:  "I wish-- but unfortunately-- I saw enough to know it
wasn't you."

X:  "The only other people here are my family and friends.  You
saying one of them is the murderer?"

Dis:  "No-- you're telling me.  After all-- it takes one to know
one, right?  And somebody _did_ kill her."

X:  "Clearly, but-- "

Dis:  "No buts!  You either cough up the killer by sunrise-- or I
take one of your buddies.  Your choice.  But either way--
someone's gonna pay."

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[ACT I]

X:  "I've got until sunrise to find out who did it."

Lila:  "Sunrise'll be here in no time."

Jox:  "One of us?  That's absurd!"

Cyrene:  "She's dead, all right."

Auto:  "Well, that's typical-- leave it to the gods to try and
frame an innocent party."

Jox:  "Yeah.  You know, Autolycus is right.  She's dead-- but she
could 'a had a heart condition."

Auto:  "Yeah-- maybe it grew that knife."

Cyrene:  "She was a total stranger, Xena."

X:  "Then it's time we got acquainted.  Let's take a look."

Auto:  "Muzzles-- leather bonds-- manacles, oh-- nothing unusual
here."

X:  "He's right.  These are the basic tools of the trade for a--
"

Cyrene [Interrupts]:  "-- for a bounty hunter."

X:  "-- bounty hunter."

Cyrene:  "I-I saw that-- on her arm when I served her.  I didn't
think of it till now."

X:  "Mom, could I have a word?  Please."

Minya:  "What are _these_ for?"

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X:  "So, you _knew_ she was a bounty hunter?"

Cyrene:  "/Well, not until you pulled out the manacles and
chains.  That's when it hit me.  Before that-- why?"

X:  "Because when I first heard the crash, I went into your
room-- and you weren't there?"

Cyrene [Sighs]:  "The storm kept me awake.  I was putting water
on the coals in the kitchen when I heard the crash."

X:  "I gotta ask you this, Mom.  You killed once before to
protect me.  Is history repeating itself?"

Cyrene:  "That was different.  I was protecting a child."

X:  "Well, you know what they say-- no matter what your age,
you're always a child to your mother."

Minya's Voice;  "Xena!  Look here!"

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Auto:  "She's a bounty hunter, all right.  Her name's Ravenica."

X:  "Looks like this was a business trip."

Minya:  "Can you believe that?!  And after all you've done, too!"

Jox:  "Yeah, what an insult-- two hundred dinars.  It should have
been a thousand-- maybe a _million_."

Cyrene:  "It seems this Ravenica's cashed in on one bounty,
already."

Auto:  "Hey, maybe there's a happy ending, after all."

Jox:  "Oh, boy."

Auto [Laughs]:  "Hmm-- all right."  [Laughs]

Lila:  "Oh-- rocks."

Auto:  "Must be a decoy.  She probably kept her real valuables on
her."

Jox:  "Or near her."

Auto:  "Or ne-- "

Minya:  "Ravenica-- ew-w-w-w."

X:  "You _knew_ her?"

Minya:  "Well, I only met her once in person, but I saw enough of
her work in the stables to last a lifetime."

Cyrene:  "Stables."

Minya:  "Yeah, she'd catch her bounties by slowing down their
horses."

Lila:  "How did she do that?"

Minya:  "Cutting their tendons-- and hobbling the poor things.
Most of them had to be put down.  Yeah, she was a _real_ piece of
work."

X:  "Are you sure that the dead woman is Ravenica?"

Minya:  "Another look, and I'd be positive."

X:  "All right."

Jox:  "Ah."

X:  "Well?"

Minya:  "Yeah, it's her, all right."

Jox:  "A-ha!  So you _admit_ you knew her!  Maybe you liked those
horsies a little _too_ much.  Let me rephrase that.  Ravenica
here killed some horses.  You got mad!  Now, she's dead!  Oh,
come on, people!  Do I have to spell it out for ya?!  Minya, in
the bedroom, with the knife!"

Minya:  "Oh, get a clue!  I didn't even know it was her until
just now."

Jox:  "So, ya say-- "

Minya:  "You calling me a liar?"

X:  "Wait a minute!  All right, all right-- settle down!  No one
is calling _anyone anything_."

Jox:  "Oh!"

Auto:  "Xena's right.  Remember?  We're all friends here-- most
of us."

Lila:  "Joxer's just looking at it from every angle-- right,
Joxer?"

Jox:  "That's right."

X:  "Oh, yes, he's very broad-minded.  Look!  Ravenica has been
murdered, and someone here is responsible."

G:  "Xena-- we've got trouble.  We-- what's going on?"

Auto:  "Uh-- "

All:  "Surprise."

G:  "OK.  [Chuckles]  Look-- Xena-- there's a bounty hunter after
you.  Sh-- she's on the floor.  Dead?"

All:  "Dead."  

G:  "I guess you found her first-- huh?"

X:  "Yes, I _found_ her.  I didn't _kill_ her."

G:  "Oh, that's good.  So, if _you_ didn't kill her-- then who
did?"

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X:  "Autolycus-- come and give us a hand, wouldja?"

Auto:  "Big job, running a tavern.  Lots of things to keep track
of, huh?  Food-- drink-- keys.  Hey, what do you know?  There's a
key to my room.  Heh-heh-heh.  And, uh-- to Xena's and Joxer's.
'Course, you'd have a key to every toom in the place, wouldn't
ya-- Cyrene?"

Cyrene:  "Meanin?"

Auto:  "Meaning, ya must know every creaky floorboard and squeaky
hinge in the entire place.  Why-- you could float around like a
ghost if you had to."

X:  "And, why would she wanna do that?"

Auto:  "Bounty hunter checks in-- and despite what she says, I
think she _knew_ it.  You also knew it was _damn_ likely your
daughter would be on her list."

X:  "Autolycus-- we already had this discussion."

Auto:  "Then you must agree-- no one has more means or a stronger
motive to kill Ravenica than your own dear-- overprotective
mother.  Sorry, Cyrene-- tough break.  Book her, Xena.  I'm outta
here."

X:  "He's an idiot."

Auto:  "Who-o-o-o-oa!  Ho-ho-o-o-o-o!  Oh!"

Dis:  "Thanks for the help, tall, dark, and-- mortal.  I should
have known Xena wouldn't have the guts to turn in her own mom."

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[ACT II]

Auto:  "Whoa!"

Dis:  "What's the big idea?  I thought you were the poster girl
for truth and justice."

X:  "I am-- when I'm sure it's being served.  And I'm not.  Come
on, Discord-- ya gave me till sunrise-- remember?"

Dis:  "Fine.  Play your little detective games.  But time is
running out."

Auto [Chuckles]:  "You know?  It's hard to believe you're new at
this.  [Chuckles]  I gotta tell ya-- you're doin' a helluva job--
vigilant, hard-working-- why, you even put a clock on the case,
which reminds me, I'm a little pressed for time, so, uh--
huh-huh-- you'll pardon me.  Hey!"

Dis:  "Pressed for time?  I see what you mean.  Suffer!"

G:  "Who was _that_?"

X:  "Ares' latest find-- Discord-- goddess of retribution."

Cyrene:  "If Xena doesn't find Ravenica's killer-- Discord's
taking one of us-- "

Auto:  "Ah!  Oh!"

Cyrene:  "-- whether we did it or not."

G:  "But that's not fair."

Minya:  "Well, she's a goddess."

Auto:  "Ooh!"

Lila:  "I'm just-- glad she's gone."

Auto:  "Yeah?  Not for long."

G:  "Lila, you look white as a sheet.  I'll get you some water."

X:  "So, where's the fire, big guy?"

Auto:  "Well, I just thought that I had the case all figured out.
Heh-heh-heh.  Uh, sorry I almost-- got you torched, Cyrene."

Jox:  "So-- you're saying it was Cyrene in the bedroom with the
kitchen knife."

Auto:  "No."

Jox:  "In the-- kitchen with the bedroom knife?"

G:  "No-- I think it might have something to do with this."

Jox:  "Look!"

Auto:  "Hey!"

Jox:  "Clear gold!"

Auto:  "That's private property!"

Jox:  "Oh, boy!"

G:  "His bag spilled across the kitchen floor, and these were in
it."

X:  "Well, that explains a lot of things.  So, maybe her-- locked
purse wasn't a decoy after all."

Auto:  "OK-- I'm a thief!  Hey!  There's news!  Meanwhile, we got
a _murderer_ among us, remember?"

G:  "I hate to say this, Autolycus, but people have killed for
less than diamonds."

Auto:  "Come on, Gabrielle.  You know my rap sheet.  Do you
recall seeing `ruthless murderer' anywhere on it?!"

Jox:  "Mm-hmm-- king of thieves-- escape artist extraordinaire--
master of disguise!"

Auto:  "Quiet."

Jox:  "I'm willin' to bet anything, _that_ mustache is phony!"

Minya:  "Autolycus could have robbed her _after_ she was dead!"

Auto:  "After sh-- now, you listen here, Missy-- I may be a
thief, but I've got my standards.  And-- "

X:  "And he wasn't the only one to go through her stuff."

Cyrene:  "What do you mean?"

X:  "There are _three_ scroll sheets here.  One of them contains
my bounty.  The other's of a-- a wanted poster for some other
guy.  And this-- the third one-- is completely empty."

Minya:  "So-- ?"

X:  "So, a veteran of the road like Ravenica would never carry
more than she had to.  And given that she probably packed in the
morning and unpacked every single night-- "

G:  "-- you're saying that someone _here_ took it."

Minya:  "Autolycus could have taken that, too!"

Auto:  "Of course, I _could_ have."

X:  "No, it's not his style.  Whoever did this was sloppy."

Auto:  "And dumb."

X:  "And they repacked in a hurry."

Lila:  "You can tell all that by just looking?"

X:  "Well, think about it.  Ravenica's maps were all squished up
on the bottom with her fruit-- whereas heavier-- less necessary
items were on top."

Cyrene [Chuckles]:  "Maybe she liked her pears bruised."

G:  "She's your mother."

X:  "Yeah, well-- Mom-- I can tell you one thing she didn't like
for sure, and that's lavendar perfume.  No bounty hunter worth
her salt would wear perfume of _any_ kind.  They'd _smell_ her
before she got close enough to pounce."

Minya [Sniffs]:  "Smells lavender-- y, all right."

G:  "That's impossible, Xena.  The only one who wears lavender
perfume here would be--"

Lila:  "Me?"

Jox:  "Oh, wait a minute, now!  Sure, sure, it looks bad-- Lila
in the-- bedroom with a knife-- but as obvious as that may seem--
"

Lila:  "Obvious?!  Joxer, these things always smell of-- "

Jox:  "Da, da, da!  Please, I'm tryin' to help you out, here.
Now, look-- Lila couldn't have killed Ravenica.  Why-- at the
time of the murder, her whereabouts were completely,
unequivocally, and without a doubt unknown."

G:  [Sighs]

Jox:  "Which is _not_ to say she was anywhere _near_ the bedroom
at the time of the murder.  So-- "

Lila:  "Oh, oh, oh-- OK-- I-- I admit that, when I saw Ravenica
with her back to the corner and her eyes on the door-- I did
think it was odd.  But I never touched her things, no matter how
they smell."

G:  "You see, Xena?  You can't suspect Lila."

X:   "Until I find out exactly who did it, I suspect everyone.
Come on, Gabrielle, I need your help.  Autolycus, yours too.
Joxer-- don't need your help."

Auto:  "I'll just keep an eye on these-- thank you."

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G:  "It's ridiculous!  It's our family we're talking about, our
friends.  None of them would commit cold-blooded murder."

Auto:  "Well, much as this scares me to-- say this, I think she's
right this time, Xena."

X:  "Oh, you do?"

G:  "Look at that!  Now, _that_ is so odd!"

Auto:  "Huh-- looks like _kindling_."

G:  "It _is_ kindling.  But do either of you see a woodpile in
this room?  No.  A fireplace?  No.  A stove!  No.  Do you know
what that means."

X and Auto:  "No."

G:  "Me neither."

X:  "There are three candles on the floor-- and two more up here,
but there was only space for four, oh.  So, where did the fifth
candle come from?"

G:  "There's no way _anyone_ came through here.  How about the
door?"

Auto:  "Locked as well-- from the _inside_."

G:  "And who discovered that?  Someone with motive enough for
murder?  Someone who's trying to confuse us?  Someone who's
looking to beat this rap the best he can no matter what the
cost."

X:  "I did it."

G:  "Oh."

Auto:  "Ho-ho."

X:  "Boy-- whatever Mom's been putting in her grub didn't agree
with her.  Check it out.   Look at this rash.  Hmm."

G:  "Is that blood?"

X:  "No, it's ink.  There's a large bump on the skull underneath
it?"

G:  "How did that get there?"

Auto:  "Well, whoever did it didn't force their way in-- because
there are no pick marks on the lock-- and the hinges have dust
all over them.  So the real question here is, `Who has the key?'"

X:  "Uh-- that would be me."

Auto:  "Ah-h-h-h."

X:  "I found it when I broke in!"

Auto:  "Uh-huh."

X:  "No, the real question is-- `Who locked the door from the
_inside_?  Was it Ravenica-- or the murderer?"

Auto:  "I'll-- get back to you."

G:  "You know-- if she were short enough-- she could have been
stabbed through the keyhole."

X:  "Excellent deduction, Gabrielle.  But I think the knife is
the key."

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Jox:  "I _still_ say it was Minya in the bedroom with the knife!"

Min:  "Will you _can_ it?!  It's not some sort of-- game, you
know."

Cyrene:  "She's right.  Discord has long ears.  She could show up
at any time."

Jox:  "That's exactly my point!  You keep talking about her ears
like that, and she _will_ show up!"

Min:  "She didn't mean it literally-- "

Jox [Interrupts]:  "Oh, yeah?!"

Min:  "-- ya big, dumb moron!"

X:  "All right.  All right.  Which of you owns this?"

G:  "I should tell you.  It's a little-known fact-- that every
sheath bears the grooves left by the blade it holds.  And since
no two blades are alike-- this knife can identify its owner."

Jox:  "Hmm?"

Min:  "OK!  It's mine, all right?  The knife's mine."

Jox:  "See?!  I told you!  It was her in the bedroom with the
knife the whole time!"

Min:  "It was not!"

Jox:  "It was."

X:  "Minya, you might have noticed that _your_ knife was sticking
out of her chest."

Lila:  "In her heart."

X:  "No, her chest-- about half a hand below her heart, but
still, it was enough to kill her-- if she hadn't _already_ been
dead."

G:  "You're saying the knife didn't kill her?"

X:  "That's right."

Auto:  "Oh-ho-ho!  Well, that's just perfect!  So instead of
wrapping everything up-- you're just spinning even more yarn to
make things worse."

G:  "No, she isn't."

Jox:  "Eh-hmm?"

X:  "Huh?"

G:  "Because _I_ killed Ravenica."

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[ACT III]

X:  "What are you saying?  You _can't_ have killed her.  You
weren't even here!"

G:  "I know.  But if it wasn't the knife, it _had_ to be me.  You
see, I ran into Ravenica two days ago.  I heard she was hot on
your trail, so I decided to slow her down a bit.  I thought I
could get here first and warn you.  So I put Joxer's gravy recipe
in her water bag."

Min:  "Ew-w-w-w!"

Jox:  "Mm-m-m-m-m."

X:  "That's inhuman!"

G:  "It was only enough to give her the trots for a couple of
days, not enough to kill her-- unless-- she was allergic to it.
And with the rash on the back of her neck, she had to be, which
means-- I _am_ the killer."

X:  "No-o-o-o-o-o!"

Jox:  "No-o-o-o!  No!  It was _my_ recipe that did it.  Take me."

X:  "No one's going anywhere-- at least not just yet.  Look--
this is as full as the day she filled it.  Check it out."

Dis [Sniffs]:  "Ew-w."

Jox [Sniffs]:  "That's my recipe."

X:  "Ravenica never touched it.  She probably-- conserved
supplies and drank rainwater-- which means that Gabrielle-- never
killed anyone."

Dis [Sighs]:  "Look, Xena-- I'm tired of being jerked around."

X:  "You gave me till sunrise to jerk you around."

Dis:  "I lied.  [Laughs]  Time flies when I'm having fun."

X:  "All right, that's enough.  That's enough!  Shut up!  OK.  We
don't have very much time-- which means I'm gonna want some
straight answers."

Jox:  "Right."

X:  "Starting with you!"

Jox:  "Me?  What have I got to hide?  Huh."

X:  "Nothing but this."

Jox:  "Oh!"

X:  "Hmm?  You want it?  Huh?"

Jox:  "Xena!  Give it!"

X:  "No.  Now, this has been missing from Ravenica's things since
we first unpacked them.  I wouldn't mind betting that that third
bounty scroll is somewhere in your bedroom.  Correctamundo?"

Jox:  "Uh!  Uh!  Uh!  We-- uh-- ya-- "

Auto:  "Where do you think _you're_ goin'-- killer?"

Jox:  "Uh-- oh-- OK, OK!  It all started when I got a note-- from
Lila."

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Jox's Voice:  "It was a _love_ note-- _doused_ with lavender.  Of
_course_, I was flattered.  Who wouldn't be?  Lila's terrific!
But I'm already in love with Ga-- with-- gallivanting around,
fighting for peace and justice.  So-- naturally, I decided to let
her down with a little-- "

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Jox:  "-- note of my own."

Auto:  "I'm sure she was crushed."

Jox:  "Sh-- I, uh--"

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Jox's Voice:  "-- did borrow little-- bits and pieces from
Gabrielle's-- "

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Jox:  "-- scrolls.  Ooh!"

G:  "Do you have one of my scrolls?"

Jox:  "Uh-- well-- "

X:  "Go on with ya [sic] story, Joxer."

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Jox:  "Just a minute!  Hah-- some people.  Boy, I tell you,
they'll never wait.  They'll just rip-- "

Ravenica [Rav]:  "Well-- if it isn't the famous assassin.  Goin'
a little soft, aren't you-- Jett?"

Jox's Voice:  "You see?  She had mistaken me for my villainous
twin brother.  Happens all the time."

Jox:  "Ya got the wrong g-- !"

Rav:  "Can it.  I've got bigger fish on the line.  But I'm
warning you, Jett-- get in my way-- this won't be the only thing
I rip in two.  Lavender?  You _are_ getting soft."

Jox:  "Oh-- how do ya like that?  Oh!  Oh!  [Gasps]  Ooh!
[Whistles]"

Min's Voice:  "So, _that's_ what killer her!"

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Min:  "It was Joxer-- in his bedroom-- with an inkwell."

Jox:  "Hey-- when I left her, she was stained, but standing.  It
was only later I went back to that room to get that little piece
'a scroll."

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Jox's Voice:  "Stealthy as a jungle cat-- I crept around the
room-- searching _everywhere_."

Jox:  "Ow!  Oh!  Uh!  Ooh!  Ow!  Uh!  Oh!  Uh!  Uh.  Uh.  Oh--
oh, oh.  Uh."

Jox's Voice:  "Sure, my brother Jett's a coldhearted, merciless
killer-- but family's family-- right?"

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Auto:  "You sure you didn't kill her by accident?  You know--
death by-- blunder?  By lethal clumsiness?"

Jox:  "Positive!  And _you_ oughtta know that better than
_anyone_-- Autolycus!"

X:  "What do you mean, Joxer?"

Jox:  "Only-- that I wasn't the last person to see Ravenica
alive."

Lila:  "You mean you saw her with Autolycus."

Jox:  "Well-- "

Auto [Interrupts]:  "Hmm?"

Jox:  "Oh!"

Auto:  "Mm-mm-mmm."

Jox [Interrupts]:  "Not exactly."

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Auto's Voice:  "Ravenica, wait.  Slow down.  Please-- just listen
to me."

Rav's Voice:  "Why?  You've got _nothing_ to say I want to hear."

Auto's Voice:  "No-- please don't be like this."

Rav's Voice:  "How _should_ I be after what you did?"

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Jox:  "Sh.  Sh.  Good horsey.  Quiet, horsey."

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Auto:  "Oh, he's hearing things!  Ha-ha!  Come on!  Are you gonna
believe this blowhard or me, huh?  Ha-ha-ha.  Ha-ha.  Ha-ha.
Hmm-hmm.  Ahem.  Mm-m-m-m.  Oh, all right.  I admit that I knew
her.  We even did a few jobs together a while back."

Jox:  "Mm-m-m-m-m-m-m-- "

Auto:  "But then, all of a sudden-- she starts to collect
bounties on guys like me.  So, I figure, well, if I just rob from
her, it isn't really stealing.  It's more like payback.  The
trouble is, Ravenica didn't-- share my-- point of view."

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Auto:  "Oh, come on, Ravenica.  You know I'd never lie to you."

Rav:  "You saying you _didn't_ steal my diamonds last night?"

Auto:  "If I had-- would I be right here at the very next tavern
down the road?  No-- I'd be pawning them in Athens by now."

Rav:  "Then, why _are_ you here?"

Auto:  "I think we both know the answer to that."

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Jox's Voice:  "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait."

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Jox:  "That's not what _I_ heard."

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Rav's Voice:  "You saying you _didn't_ steal my diamonds last
night?"

Auto:  "If I had-- would I be right here at the very next tavern
down the road?  No-- I'd be pawning them in Athens by now."

Rav's Voice:  "Then, why are _you_ here?"

Auto's Voice:  "Because I know what you've become."

Auto:  "And if you think I'm gonna let you cash in on Xena--
think again."

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X:  "You did that for me?"

Auto:  "Yeah, OK.  I admit it.  But I-- [Startles]"

Dis:  "Well-- it's about time.  OK, tall, dark, and deadly--
let's go."

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[ACT IV]

X:  "Wait, Discord.  Wait."

Dis:  "What?!"

X:  "He didn't say that he _killed_ her.  He only said that he
_warned_ her."

Dis:  "Killed her!  Warned her!  Who cares?!  Now, move!  Before
I make a mortal shish kebab."

Jox:  "Ooh, ooh."

X:  "OK-- I just thought-- that maybe Ares wouldn't be that happy
if he knew that you deliberately let someone escape--
retribution."

Dis:  "Fine-- you wanna play rough?  I love rough.  So-- here's
the deal.  You either hand me the killer on my next trip, or--
I'll take `em all-- your friends, your family-- everyone.  That
way-- I _know_ the killer won't escape me-- because none of you
will."

Min's Voice:  "All of us?"

Cyrene:  "Mm-m-m-- that's what she said."

Lila's Voice:  "We're finished."

X:  "Not if you come clean and tell me everything.  For instance,
where were you two during all of this?"

Cyrene:  "That's easy.  They were at the table, talking.  I could
see them both from the kitchen door."

X:  "I know that you might have seen them start a conversation,
Mom-- but I'm sure at some point it turned into a monologue--
right?"

Min:  "Well-- we were just tryin' to protect you."

Lila:  "That's right.  When Minya told me who Ravenica was-- I
was only too glad to help."

X:  "Help do what?!"

Min:  "Well, it was my idea."

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-------------------------------

Min's Voice:  "You think this storm is rough, huh?  You should 'a
seen the one that-- struck my village about four years ago."

Lila:  "Bad?"

Min [Sighs]:  "With a capital beta.  Yeah, the wind was blowin'
so hard that, um-- everything that wasn't tied down got-- blown
away, you know?  Like, uh-- hayracks and, um-- livestock-- small
animals.  And, uh-- rain.  Ho-ho.  You know, one guy-- he thought
it was the end of the world.  He wanted to-- build a big boat
and-- sell double occupancies.  Yeah, I mean, like it was-it
was-it was wet."

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-------------------------------

Lila's Voice:  "Minya and I figured, without her horse-- Ravenica
wouldn't be able to follow you."

Rav:  "Looking to steal my horse?"

Lila:  "No-- I-- was, um-- just tryin' to calm them.  The storm's
got `em scared."

Rav:  "Looks to me-- like the only one who's scared out here is
you.  Who is that in my room?"

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-------------------------------

Min:  "Lila _couldn't_ 'a used my knife on her.  She hadn't got
back from the stables when Ravenica was killed."

X:  "So, the figure I saw in the storm was Lila-- and the light
that Ravenica saw in her room was _Minya_."

G:  "That's where the fifth candle came from."

Min:  "When Ravenica headed out to the stables-- I knew Lila was
in trouble.  So-- I had to do something to draw her back inside."

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-------------------------------

Min's Voice:  "I figured-- if she heard some men, talking in her
room-- that'd get her out of the stables-- and I could get away
before she came back.  Unfortunately-- "

Rav:  "Everyone-- is so considerate here-- taking care of my
horse-- and-- you're what?  Making up my room?"

Min's Voice:  "I don't know what came over me-- but seeing her
standing there-- knowin' who she was-- what she does-- I don't
know, I guess-- I just sawr [sic] red!"

Min:  "Catch!"

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-------------------------------

Min:  "And I high-tailed it out of there.  I thought she'd follow
me and like-- have it out-- but she didn't."

Jox:  "That's right, because she couldn't!  And it was _Minya_ in
the _bedroom_ with the--!"

Auto:  "Quiet."

G:  "All right!  All right!  Now, we've assembled the facts-- and
there's one thing we know beyond the shadow of a doubt-- to be
the indisputable truth.  Ravenica is dead, and someone here
killed her."

X:  "Oh."

Auto:  "Tell me somethin' _I don't_ know."

G:  "I could ask you the same thing, Autolycus.  Tell us what we
don't know about you and Ravenica."

Women's Voices:  "Yeah."  "Yeah, Autolycus."  "Yeah-- "

Cyrene:  "But, Gabrielle-- surely, he's already explained that."

Auto:  "Huh?"

G:  "I think it was slightly vague-- like how you explained why
you weren't in your room when Xena checked."

Auto:  "Mm-hmm."

Lila:  "Gabrielle, this is Xena's mom."

G:  "I know that, Lila-- and you're my sister.  But if there's
blood on your hands-- "

Jox:  "Blood!  Blood!  Blood!  Oh-- no.  It's just ink."

G:  "But blood is thicker than ink, Joxer.  And the same blood
flows in you that flows in your deadly brother, Jett."

Min:  "You know what they say-- blood will out."

G:  "But none of this explains why _your_ knife-- was in
Ravenica's chest."

Auto:  "Yeah, that's a good point.  What _about_ that knife,
huh?"

Jox [Interrupts]:  [Mutters inchoherently]

G:  "OK, OK, all right!  Those are the facts!  It doesn't take an
oracle to see our outcome."

Auto:  "Right.  We're all gonna die."

Dis [Laughs]:  "Well, Xena-- time's up and-- I don't see you
handing me the killer.  So, boys-- "

[Fight]

G:  "Let's get out of the way!  In the other room!  Go!"

Auto:  "Ha-ha-ha.  How's that feel, pretty boy?"

Dis:  "Come on!"

G:  "No!"

G:  "No!"

Dis:  "Aw-- you might be good in bed, but you're hopeless in a
fight."

X:  "Wait!  Stop!  Stop the fight.  I know who did it."

Dis:  "If this is a stall to try and buy your loser friends more
time-- "

X:  "No stall.  And if you're not satisfied-- you can take me.
That'll score you points with Ares, don't you think?"

Dis:  "Show me."

X:  "OK."

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-------------------------------

Cyrene:  "Xena-- will this do?"

X:  "Yeah, that's perfect.  You see-- Lila and Minya _were_
guilty of thinking like Ravenica."

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-------------------------------

Rav:  "Look at the bright side, horse-- no more hauling Xena
around."

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-------------------------------

X:  "But Argo has an instinct for danger.  And she knew that
something was up."

X:  "Ya see, the door was locked from the inside by Ravenica with
a key.  But the window-- the window locks itself."

Dis:  "That still doesn't explain the knife in her chest."

X:  "The knife probably didn't go in much past the breastplate."

Dis:  "But it was in up to its hilt."

X:  "Not at first."

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-------------------------------

X's Voice:  "A horse kick to the chest-- a hit to her head-- and
a knife stuck in her chest-- but Ravenica was still alive,
until-- "

Rav:  "Uh!"

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-------------------------------

Dis:  "Oh, puh-lease.  Whaddya think?  I'm some kind 'a moron?!
Uh!"

X:  "The first hit from the chandelier knocked her down, and the
second one killed her.  She fell forward-- "

G:  "-- right onto the knife."

Dis:  "You're telling me your _horse_ killed her?"

X:  "In self-defense."

Auto:  "Ya gotta admit-- it fits like a Trojan glove."

Dis:  "But I can't take back a _horse_!  I don't _do_ animals!"

Min:  "That's not what _I_ heard."

Dis:  "Ah-h-h-h!  This job sucks!"

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-------------------------------

Lila:  "Is this what you're looking for?"

Min:  "Yeah!  Thanks!  I owe ya."

Lila:  "Are you kidding?!  If you hadn't distracted Ravenica, who
_knows_ what she would have done to me?  You're a real hero,
Minya."

Min:  "Yeah?"

Lila:  "Yeah."

Min:  "Aw-- I guess I _am_."

Jox:  "Gaby-- Sophocles said that plagiarism is the sincerest
form of flattery."

G:  "It doesn't _excuse_ the fact you took my scroll.  OK-- you
_were_ willing to take my place with Discord.  I can forgive
you."

Jox:  "She _likes_ me."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Auto:  "Here, let me give you a hand."

Cyrene:  "These diamonds must be yours, Autolycus."

Auto:  "No-- no, mine are all here.  Must be your lucky day,
Cyrene."

Cyrene:  "Must be."

X:  "Mom-- I'm really, really sorry that I suspected you."

Cyrene:  "I'm not-- 'cause it's true-- I _would_ kill to protect
you, Xena.  Any mother who loves her child would.  Mm-m.  I'm
just-- glad I don't have to."

G:  "You know?  When it's all said and done, it seems everyone
behaved like they did for one reason-- love.  For you-- for
family."

X:  "I guess you're right."

Auto:  "Psst!"

G:  "So, do you still think they're capable of anything?"

X:  "Absolutely anything."

Auto:  "Now!"

All:  "Happy birthday!"
[Sing]:  For-- she's another year older,
For she's another year older.
For she's another year older--
And that's a crying shame!

"For-- she'll never get any younger,
She'll never get any younger.
She'll never get any younger--
And that's-- "

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