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"Animal Attraction"  Episode 94/504


Amarice [Ama]:  "Ow!  Joxer!"

Joxer [Jox]:  "Sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry."

Ama:  "Come on."

Jox:  "I wasn't looking."

Ama:  "Yeah, you were, at Gabrielle."

Jox:  "Was not."

Ama:  "Was to-- .  You know what?  If I ever go ga-ga like that over anyone-- you have my permission to kill me."

Jox:  "Happy to oblige.  Ow!"

Ama:  "That is so guy!"

Jox:  "What do you know about guys?  You're an Amazon.  All you know-- is shopping for bows and arrows and emasculation."

Ama:  "I know you don't have to live with pigs to recognize one."

Jox:  "You know?  I'm so glad all women aren't like you."

Ama:  "All the women I know are.  We don't need a man to get along.  In fact, as far as they're concerned-- you _guys_ are toatally dispensable."

Jox:  "Hmm.  Hmm.  Yeah."

G:  "He did it again."

X:  "What?  Aw-- I must have missed it.  I think I dozed off."

G:  "Yeah, you've been doing that a lot lately."

X:  "Yeah.  I've been taking hornbain and olive [?], but it doesn't seem to be helping.  I guess I just need a bit more sack time, huh?  What are you?  A healer?  Nah, I'm just tired.  Why, what did I miss?"

G:  "Joxer gave me one of those looks again.  Xena, when he said he loved me-- he said that he didn't expect anything from me.  Clearly, he does.  I'm trying to be sensitive.  Do you have any advice?"

X:  "Huh?  What was that?  Yah!"

Jox:  "Oh."

X:  "Yah!"

Jox:  "Xena-- uh-- "

X:  "Yah!"

Jox:  "OK.  Oh.  Gaby-- would you-- ?"

G:  "Later, Joxer.  Come on, Amarice!"

Jox:  "Wait." 


X:  "OK, Argo, I'm gonna need your help here.  Come on, big fella.  It's OK.  It's OK.  You're gonna feel a _whole_ lot better by the time we're through with ya.  All right.  All right.  We gotcha now.  OK, Argo.  Here we go.  Easy, now.  There, boy.  Who-o-o-oa."

G:  "Oh, by the gods."

X:  "Gabrille, come here.  Joxer, Amarice, you stay there.  G-- Gabrielle-- talk to him."

G:  "What do I say?"

X:  "Say anything.  See if you can calm him down while I set his leg free from that trap."

G [Whispers]:  "OK.  [Normal Voice]  It's OK, boy.  It's OK.  Easy.  Good boy.  It's OK.  No one's gonna hurt you.  Hold still.  Steady.  Steady.  It's OK.  Steady-y-y-y.  That's it.  Hold still.  That's a _good_ boy.  [Whispers]  Good.  Sh-h-h, sh-h-h.  It's OK.  Be still.  Stay still."

X:  "Steady-y-y-y."

G:  "Good boy."

X:  "There ya go."

G [Whispers]:  "Yeah."

X:  "Huh."

G:  "Good boy."

X:  "We're gonna have to treat that wound before we set him free."

G:  "Set him free?"

X:  "What's on your mind?"


Jox:  "Spa-- moan-- Spamona?"

G:  "Spamona.  Yeah, it's famous for its hot springs.  Hey, Xena-- a little rest, and we'll all feel better."

Jox:  "Hot springs, huh?"

Local:  "Ma'am?"

Jox:  "Hey, ya know that guy?"

G:  "Who, him?"

Jox:  "Hey, these hot springs-- they, um-- ?"


G:  "Come on, boy.  Steady.  That's it.  Good boy."

Jox:  "Colonel Horse wants [?]  Go on!"

G:  "I really appreciate this."

X:  "Are you kidding?  This way, I get a hot bath and to eat something I didn't kill myself.  On the other hand, I'm so hungry I could eat a h-- "

G:  "You wouldn't."

Old Man:  "Ah, excuse me, folks-- I guess I oughtta tell ya this town's got a law against carrying weapons."

Ama:  "In case you didn't know, this is Xena.  Who's got the guts to take her weapons-- huh?"

Talia [Tal]:  "Me."



Tal:  "Yuh!"


Tal:  "Aw!  [Laughs]  I never could put that past you."

X:  "Hello, Talia"

Tal [Laughs]:  "Aw-w-w-w-- aw-w-w, you _always_ saw that move coming."

X:  "Aw, your sword kind of tips it.  You could try switching hands-- might save your life-- ."

Tal:  "Oh, I'll remember that."

G:  "I guess you two know each other."

X:  "Oh, this is Talia.  We rode together years ago.  These are my friends, Gabrielle, Joxer, and Amarice."

Tal:  "Welcome to Spamona."

X:  "You know, I'm kind of surprised to findja in a place like this."

Tal:  "Oh, I'm kind of surprised to find you alive.  Word was, Caesar staked you to a cross."

X:  "Yeah.  It's a long story.  Why don't we get together over a meal?  You know, I wanna feel I should have some-- raspberry jelly and-- I don't know, some raw fish.  What do you say?"

Jox:  "Um-- I just ate."

X:  "But-- "

G:  "Hm-m."

Ama:  "Uh-- yeah.  I-- wouldn't wanna butt in."

X:  "No."

G:  "I'm gonna work with the horse."

X:  "Aah.  Come on.  I'm buying."


Tal:  "You always eat like this?"

X:  "Well-- you know-- "

Deputy [Interrupts]:  "Hello, Sheriff-- but I thought you oughtta see this.  Showed up while I was on rounds."

X:  "It's yours.  I recognize the design."

Tal:  "Was mine.  Last I saw, it was sticking in a dirtbag named Darkon.  He used to tear up this town pretty bad."

Deputy:  "I'm sorry, Sheriff-- but if Darkon and his boys are out-- no one's safe."

Tal:  "What's this?"

Deputy:  "My resignation."

X:  "Well-- Darkon must be trouble."

Tal:  "Nothin' but."

X:  "I'm glad we're here to help."

Tal:  "No-- I-I mean-- thanks-- but Darkon's my problem.  I'll handle him.  Your word."

X:  "Oh.  Promise."


Man's Voice:  "He's not comin' up."

Women's Voices:  "No.  Do something!"  "Help him!"

Ama:  "Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Are you all right?  Hello!"

Armon [Arm]:  [Coughs]

Ama:  "Oh, by the gods.  You all right?  Hey."

Arm:  "I am now."

Ama:  "Yeah, me too.  I mean-- glad you're all right.  I-I-- wouldn't wanna-- drown you my first time here."

Arm:  "I know what you mean.  Makes for a very bad impression."  [Chuckles]

Ama [Chuckles]:  "Well-- there's no visible damage, so-- see ya."

Arm:  "No-no.  Wait.  Uh-- look-- you just saved my life and I don't even know your name."

Jox's Voice:  "Amarice-- there ya are.  Armon-- ."

Ama and Arm:  "You know Joxer?"

Jox:  "What are you doing here?  I thought you were away at school."

Arm:  "Well, I was just passin' through."

Jox:  "Hey, uh-- listen, I-- I never told you that, uh-- "

Arm:  "No, Joxer, uh-- that was the past."

Jox:  "So, uh-- ya know, uh-- Amarice."

Arm:  "Know her?  She saved my life."

Jox:  "Oh-h-h, did you now?  Saved a man's life, did ya?  Mm-m.  Huh."

Ama:  "I'm glad you're all right."

Arm:  "No, wait!"

Ama:  "Whoa!"

Arm and Jox:  [Laugh]

Ama:  "You think that's funny?"

Jox:  "Well, no-- uh, but a little bit.  Yeah."  [Laughs]

Arm:  "Sorry-- but it's just-- you're not hurt, and-- and it was pretty funny!"  [Laughs]

Jox:  "Come on, Amarice.  You're not-- really hurt."

Arm:  "Where's your sense 'a humor?"

Ama:  "You wanna know where my sense of humor is?!  I'll tell you!  You mother-- !"


Arm:  "Does she kiss her mother with that mouth?  I'm telling you, she's insane."

Jox:  "No argument there."

Arm:  "Immature, obnoxious, spoiled-- "


Ama:  "Inconsiderate, arrogant, self-centered, uh-- smug."

G:  "Maybe it wasn't Armon."

X:  "Doesn't sound like him to me."

Ama:  "I got news for you.  People change."

X:  "Hm-m-m-- "


Arm:  "Oh, and talk about erratic-- one moment she's savin' my life, the next she's tryin' to take my head off.  What's that all about?"

Jox:  "Women-- can't live with 'em-- can't chain em in the yard.  [Laughs]  Ow!  Oh."


X:  "I don't feel so good."

Ama:  "After raspberry jam-- and raw fish?  Big surprise."

G:  "You haven't been feeling good for days, now."

X:  "It'll pass."

G:  "I know you're a gifted healer.  I think it's time for a second opinion.  What do you say?"


X:  "Ah-h-h-h-h, a-h-h-h-h-h, a-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.  A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h."

Doc:  "Very good.  Well-- congratulations.  You're in excellent health-- you know?  Considering."

X:  "Beg pardon?  Hey, Doc, if there's som'in' wrong, you know you can tell me.  It-- it doesn't matter what it is.  I can take it.  I'm pretty tough.  Just spit it out.  I'm in excellent health, considering what?"

Doc:  "Considering you're pregnant."



X:  "It's impossible!  I can-_not_ be pregnant.  If you weren't such a quack, you would know that getting pregnant involves certain physical requirements that I haven't met in a _long_ time-- and I mean a _very_ long time.  No one-- zilch, zippo.  I am a _love_-free zone.  Therefore, it is utterly impossible that I be up the duff.  So, what's your diagnosis, now?"

Doc:  "Mood swings!"


Jox:  "Gabrielle?  Gabrielle?  Wait up!  Wait up!  Look, uh-- let me help ya!"

G:  "Oh, I can carry a sack of apples."

Jox:  "I- I know you can!  I know you can!  But-but why should ya?"

G:  "Joxer, thank you."

Jox:  "No-no.  Gabrielle, look-- with me around to handle-- the smaller and-- more indispensable aspects of life-- that leaves you to handle the larger and-- more important ones."

G:  "No, I can handle my own apples."

Jox:  "Gabrielle-- let me help you.  You might like it."

G:  "I don't think so."

Jox:  "Gimme!"

G:  "Stop it."

Jox:  "I'm gonna help you!"

G:  "Joxer-- "

Jox:  "No."

G:  "Joxer, get your hands off my apples!"

Jox:  "Perfect example."


Man's Voice [In Background]:  "-- right over here!"

X:  "Quack."


G:  "Come on.  Here you go, boy.  Go on, it's an apple.  Oh, I know you're hungry-- you know it.  Come on.  Come on, I'm your friend.  Argo, will ya tell him I'm not gonna hurt him?  Fine-- if that's your attitude, you can just-- take it when you want it.  I'm talking to horses.  Am I nuts?"

Arm:  "Certifiable."

G:  "Armon."

Arm:  "Joxer said I'd find you here."

G:  "Amarice was right.  It _is_ you."

Arm:  "Amarice?"

G:  "What's going on with you two."

Arm:  "She's insane.  All I did was laugh a little when she slipped."

G:  "You laughed at her?"

Arm:  "Well, yeah.  It was funny.  And she wasn't hurt."

G:  "Right-- her pride was hurt.  OK, think about if you fell down in front of your whole school.  Would you laugh?"

Arm:  "I see your point.  So, what do I do to make it up to her?"

G:  "Flowers-- you can't go wrong with flowers."

Arm:  "Flowers?"

G:  "Yes, women love flowers-- except Xena."


G's Voice:  "You know, she's the only woman that I know who doesn't stop to smell them."

X [Smells flower]:  "Hm-m-m.  [Cutesy Voice]  Oh-h-h-h, it's a wittle [sic] cutey!  I-- "


Arm:  "You know what?  I think you're right.  Maybe Amarice and I just got off on the wrong foot.  I'll do that.  Hey, uh-- thanks for the advice."

G:  "`Wrong foot.'  Hm-m-m."


G:  "Look familiar?  Pretty painful, huh?  Who-o!  Boy!  Nah, it's not a nice feeling.  Yeah, I know what you're going through.  [Sighs]  It's tough-- tough on a horse.  [Sighs]  We're equals now, though.  You know that?  You can trust me, now-- Horse-- .  Forget it."


Tal:  "It's not that I don't appreciate your offer.  I do."

X:  "Then, why don't you accept a little help?"

Tal:  "Because this is _my_ problem-- not yours."

X:  "You're wrong.  Fighing men like Darkon is everybody's problem, especially mine."

Tal:  "Not this time."

X:  "Really?  Ah-h-- so, what makes Darkon different from every other scum-sucking warlord?"

Tal:  "He's my husband."

X:  "Condolences."

Tal:  "I don't love him-- not anymore-- but I did.  And now-- I'm afraid-- of him-- of me."

X:  "Talia-- this must end here.  Face it, you're going to need a little help.  That's what I'm here for."

Tal:  "No.  No, I stand up to Darkon or I don't-- but either way, I am _not_ gonna let you take him on _for_ me-- especially _pregnant_.  Oh, come on.  Who's kidding herself, now?  The need for sleep?  The cravings?  The nausea?  Hey-hey-- not to mention, you know you're looking a little-- .  My mother was a midwife, Xena.  Wake up and smell the diapers."

X:  [Gasps]


Bartender [Bar]:  "What'll it be?"

X:  "Milk"

Bar [Snickers]:  "Milk?!"

X:  "I said milk!  What, am I over-age?"

Ama:  "Xena, hey.  I've been looking all over for you.  I think I'm in trouble."

X:  "What, is it in the water?"

Ama:  "Huh?  I'm talking about Armon?"

X:  "Well, what about him?"

Ama:  "Well-- you see, that's the trouble.  Every Amazon instinct I have-- says keep away, but my heart just says go for it.  Have you ever had this problem before?"

X:  "Apparently.  Listen, Amarice-- either you kiss him-- or you kill him.  But, either way, it doesn't seem to make a difference."

Arm:  "Xena?  How you been?

X:  "You hurt her, Armon-- I will have your hide."

Arm:  "Hi."

Ama:  "Hi.  What are those?"

Arm:  "A way to start over-- I hope.  These are for you."

Ama:  "For me?  Wow-- nobody's ever given me anything like this before."

Arm:  "I'm surprised.  You deserve them."

Ama:  "I do?"

Arm:  "And more.  You deserve someone who'll really appreciate you.  A man who'll protect and pamper you."

Ama:  "A man to protect me."

Arm:  "Make sure you never have to worry-- or be scared-- "

Ama:  "You think I'm scared of you?"

Arm:  "No, no-- that's not what I said."

Ama:  "That's what you meant!"

Arm:  "No, it isn't."

Ama:  "You calling me a liar?"

Arm:  "Are you telling me what I said?!"

Ama:  "I know what I heard!"

Arm:  "Liar!"



Jox:  "Oh!  Armon!  Oh-h-h-h.  We-e-e-ell-- I see you two didn't have any problem makin' up.  And I see _you_-- have no problem kissing-- guys!  [Laughs]  Aw-w-w!  Ah-h-h!"

Ama:  "He started it!"

Arm:  "I did not!"

Jox:  "Have you seen Gabrielle?"

Ama:  "You kissed me first!"

Arm  "I did not!  That kill was all your idea!"

Jox:  "I'm trying to find Gabrielle.  So, if you-- "

Ama [Interrupts]:  "You know what?  You are delusional."

Arm:  "Well, I'd rather be deluded than nuts."

Jox:  "Oh!  Kids."


G:  "I don't know why I tried.  I'm just like an idiot.  Talking to horses.  Think I'd have no friends.  Good horse."


Tal:  "Hi-ho!"


X:  "I've got something I wanna tell you.  Just stay put.  Believe me, you don't wanna be standing when you hear this.  Not that it's bad.  See, I would sense that and it's not, but-- there is this small question of how it happened, and-- once you get past that, it's really great.  Don't give me that look like you knew.  You _didn't_ know.  I didn't even know, and _I'm_ the one who's expecting.  Or, maybe you did know-- but don't let on to the others.  I wanna tell them myself.  Gabrielle's gonna freak."


X:  "Armon-- come here."

Man's Voice:  "Here, boy."

X:  "Listen-- what I said to you before-- I'm-I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it.  I was steamed about something else.  You're a good man.  I know that."

Arm:  "The way I feel about Amarice-- I'm not sure that qualifies as good.  I mean-- it's not like I _meant_ for this to happen."

X:  "Happen?  Something happened?"

Arm:  "I kissed her-- and, no matter what she says, she kissed me back.  She just won't admit it."

X:  "And why do you think that is?"

Arm:  "I think it's 'cause she's scared it'll make her seem weak-- "

X:  "Hm-m."

Arm:  "-- like carin' for someone is som'in' bad. Can you believe that?"

X:  "Yeah, I used to-- but now I know that-- any fool can risk his life.  It takes a hero to risk his heart."

Arm:  "Well, tell that to Amarice!"

X:  "I've got a better idea."


Arm:  "Hi, uh-- mind if I sit down?"

Ama:  "If you want.  I mean-I mean, sure, yeah."

Arm:  "Great, uh-- so, uh-- look, Amarice, I just want you to know that I've talked to Xener [sic], and, uh-- "

Ama:  "You talked to her?  Me, too [?].  She's great, isn't she?"

Arm:  "Oh!  The best.  Now, there's a woman who's really got it together."

Ama:  "Never loses it."

Arm:  "Never."


X:  [Throws up]


Ama:  "Ga-a-a-a-- what you were gonna say?"

Arm:  "Oh, uh-- it's just that, uh-- I understand where you're comin' from, a-and-and I want you to know that there's no hard feelings."

Ama:  "Hard feelings?  If anyone should have hard feelings, it would be me-- which I don't."

Arm:  "Amarice, what's goin' on?  Why you acting like this?"

Ama:  "Like what?  If you don't mind my asking."

Arm:  "Like that.  So, so phony, it's not you."

Ama:  "Oh, like you really know me."

Arm:  "Keep this up, and I won't want to."

Ama:  "Oh, really?  Well, excuse me for being nice.  It won't happen again!"

Arm:  "That was nice?"

Jox:  "Amarice, have you seen Xena?  Oh!"

Ama:  "Wait till I do!"

Jox:  "Armon, have you seen Xena?"

Arm:  "Ah, I can't wait to find her!"

Jox:  "Kids."


G:  "Come on.  Come on, handsome."

Ama:  "Xena?!  Xena!  You said, `Kiss him, or kill him,' right?"

Arm [Interrupts]:  "Come on, I tried it."

Ama [Interrupts]:  "Well, I could kill him!"

Arm [Interrupts]:  "-- I couldn't seem to [Etc.]-- "

Ama [Interrupts]:  "I was _totally_ [Etc.]-- !"

G [Interupts]:  "Will you guys shut up?!  Shut up, please!  The horse [Etc.]-- "

X [Interrupts]:  "I'm pregnant."

G:  "Xena, can you tell them, please?"

X:  "I'm pregnant!  I'm pregnant!"



G:  "You're pregnant?  How can you be pregnant?  Xena-- I mean, when did you-- ?  Who d-- ?"

X:  "I don't know."

Jox:  "And you asked her advice on _your_ love life."

G:  "You don't know?"

X:  "Gabrielle, this is as strange to me as it is to you.  I don't understand it, but it's true.  I felt it with Solon and I feel it now.  There's life within me-- and it's good."

G:  "Congratulations."

X:  "Thanks."

Ama:  "A baby.  You're gonna be a really good mom."

X:  "Thanks."

Arm:  "That's _really_ somethin'."

Jox:  "I always wanted to be an uncle.  Hello there, little fella!  Oh!  Beats the heck out of my news."

X:  "What's that?"

Jox:  "Some creep named Darkon's comin'.  He should be here by sundown."

X:  "Has Talia seen this?"

Jox:  "I can't find her.  Nobody can."

X:  "Then it's up to us."


Ama:  "What are you doing here?"

Arm:  "Xena sent me.  Told me to guard the flank against a-- "

Arm and Ama:  "-- surprise attack."

Ama:  "I don't even know why she wants me here.  All the action's gonna be down on the street."

Arm:  "I heard this Darkon's guy pretty tough."

Ama:  "Well, I'm not afraid of him, if that's what you think."

Arm:  "No-- why do you always twist what I say?  To tell the truth, Amarice, I don't know anyone who'd scare you.  You never let 'em close enough to try."

Ama:  "That's not true.  There is someone who scares me-- you."

Arm:  "Very funny."

Ama:  "I'm not kidding.  I've never met anyone like you.  I'm not used to feeling this way."

Arm:  "You think I am?  This is all new to me, too."

Ama:  "It doesn't scare you?"

Arm:  "Big time-- but that's what makes us so brave-- to feel this scared and not run away.  I'd say that takes a lotta courage, wouldn't you?"

Ama:  "You calling me a coward?"

Arm:  "I hope not."


G:  "You don't have the slightest idea?"

X:  "No.  Look, we've been through this a thousand times.  I don't."

G:  "How can you not know?  I-- I just find that hard to believe, you know?"

X:  "Tell me."

G:  "Ares.  Maybe he did-- a god thing-- "

X:  "No."

G:  "OK, fine.  When was the last time we saw Hercules?  I forget, I can't-- "


Darkon [Dar]:  "Hi, Honey.  I'm home."

Tal:  "This isn't your home, Darkon-- not anymore."

Dar:  "Well-- we'll have to see about that-- won't we, boys?"

Boys [Laughter]:  "Come on!  Hah!"  "Get on, Horse!  Come on!"


X:  "Come on, Gabrielle!"



Bad Guy:  [Yells]

Tal:  "Yah!  Yah!"

G:  "Hey, guys-- "

Bad Guys:  "Huh?"

A Bad Guy:  "Whoa!  Hey!"

G:  "Stop!  Stop!"

Another Bad Guy:  "What?!  Ya got some little horsey friend?!  A little pony all decked out in bows?!"

G:  "Yeah.  Don't-- please."

Another Bad Guy:  "Who's gonna stop me?  [Startles, then Yells]

Dar:  "Go on!  Finish it!"

Tal:  "I have.  The rest is up to a judge."


Arm:  "So, uh-- I guess this is goodbye."

Ama:  "No, this is."

Arm:  "Wow."

Ama:  "You should see my hellos."


X:  "Well, congratulations.  Looks like we're a two-horse family."

G:  "Yeah-- family being the operative word. "

X:  "Yeah, how about that, huh?"

G:  "You know what I think?  I think it's the beginning of a beautiful relationship."

X:  "Yup-- for all of us."


G:  "Hi.  Whoo!  Whoa, boy.  Whoa.  Come on, Xena.  Race ya to Greece?"

X:  "I don't know if you're ready for that."

G:  "Are you chicken?"

X:  "No, just being considerate.  We race to Greece, and you won't be able to walk straight for a month."


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