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"Kindred Spirits"  Episode 107/517


Amazon:  "The mud is wonderful under the falls!"

Cyane [Cy]:  "Rhea!  Watch what you're doing!  You're not a
child!  You're an Amazon!"

Rhea [Rh]:  "Sorry, Cyane."

Cy:  "You too, Eris."

Eris [Er]:  "Not me!  Xena says it's good to have a balance of
work _and_ play."

Rh:  "And who wouldn't _wanna_ play?!  When you've got a cute
little baby like Eve around?  Ah-h-- what a doll!  Xena's so

Er:  "If you ask _me_-- Gabrielle's the lucky one-- having Xena
for a best friend."

Cy:  "Well, I wouldn't go getting too attached-- they'll probably
be moving on any day, now."

Er:  "Well, I wouldn't be too sure."

Cy:  "What do you mean?"

Er:  "I asked Gabrielle to stay and be our permanent queen."

Rh:  "You did?!  That's great!  Then Xena and Eve will stay,

Cy:  "You had no right to speak for the tribe, Eris."

Er:  "Why not?!  Everyone loves them!  Who _wouldn't_ want them
to stay?!"

Cy:  "What'd she say?"

Lieu:  "She didn't say yes, yet-- but she did say she'd think
about it, so-- keep your fingers crossed."

Rh:  "Whoo-hoo!"


G:  "Don't shoot!  Lady with a baby."

X:  "It's _for_ the baby, Goober.  It's a swing.  Here-- put her
in it."

G [Sighs]:  "Here you go.  Easy, now.  Aren't you a lucky girl?"

X:  "There you go, Eve."

G:  "She likes it."

X:  "But of course."

G:  "I always knew it was gonna happen.  You're nesting."

X:  "Nesting-- 'cause I built a swing."

G:  "Xena, it's perfectly natural.  You're a mother.  Actually, I
feel the same way."

X:  "What way is that?"

G:  "Have you ever thought about settling down?  Here?"

X:  "Like when I'm too old to do kicks and stuff?"

G:  "No, I mean right now.  Xena, it's a beautiful place.  You
could raise Eve here."

X:  "What are you talking about?"

G:  "These kids need someone.  They need guidance.  They need--

X:  "Gabrielle, are you saying that you wanna stay here and be

G:  "Well, only if you and Eve would stay.  I think you should
consider it.  You wanna stay, don't you?  Don't you?"


Cy:  "Amazons!  An intruder!"

Amazons' Voices:  "Flank [?] the pond!"  "I'll get him!"  "He's
got something in his hand!  It's too small to be a weapon!"


G:  "It makes sense, Xena.  We've never really had our own home.
So, I see this place as our domestic bliss.  All we have to do is
fix it up a little bit."

X:  "It wouldn't hurt to consider it."

G:  "Thanks."

Cy:  "Queen Gabrielle-- we bring you a man who has violated a
sacred Amazon law."

Er:  "She means, he was peeking at us from the bushes while we
were bathing."

Cy:  "This is a terrible offense against our honor.  Queen
Gabrielle-- the offender must face the wrath of Amazon justice."

Joxer [Jox]:  "Xena, Gab-- O-- K, it was an accident.  Why would
I wanna look at naked girls?"



Cy:  "For looking at naked Amazons, he has broken an Amazon law.
He will have to suffer the consequences."

Jox:  "Wait a minute.  Wait a minute.  I'm _friends_ with-with
Xena.  She's right there.  Go on.  Tell 'em.  Tell 'em."

X:  "Did you bring the letter from Cleopatra, like I asked."

Jox:  "Oh, that.  Uh-- I-I forgot again.  Ow!"

Rh:  "Hello.  Hey, cutey.  Ah-h-h-h-h."

X:  "Never saw this man before in my life."

G:  "Do you deny spying on these women?"

Jox:  "I resent that."

G:  "Do you deny it?"

Jox:  "No, I just _resent_ it."

Cy:  "Put him in the stocks to await the queen's judgment.  Go!"

X:  "You know, I counted on him and he let me down."

G:  "If we build a porch-- "

X:  "Hmm."

G:  "-- just around this side-- we could lay out there with Eve."


Jox:  "Oh-h-h-h-h.  Oh, my spine.  My spi-ow!  Ow!  [Sighs]  Oh
[Chuckles]-- cute kids."

Kids:  "Pervert!  Loser!  Fat creep!  Pervert!  Loser!  Fat
creep!  Pervert!  Loser!  Fat creep!"

Jox:  "I'm not fat!  I'm not fat!  You little monsters!"


Rh:  "Hello!  I brought something for you.  You're so lucky to
have a mommy like Xena.  I never knew my parents.  You know?  If
I had a daughter-- I'd love her just as much as your mommy loves
you.  Of course-- first-- I've gotta get close to a man-- which
isn't easy when you're an Amazon."

Amazon's Voice [In Background]:  "I don't know where-- "


Jox:  "Hi!  Hello!  Can you help me, please?  Can you?  OK.  Hi.
Can you-- ?  Hello.  Please!  Can you help me?!"

Er:  "Hey-- fat pervert-- what do you want?"

Jox:  "Listen-- I need to go."

Er:  "Forget it."

Jox:  "No, wait!  W-w-wait.  I didn't-- explain myself.  I need--
to use-- the little warriors' room.  Look-- you can either-- take
me to those bushes over there-- or-- help me by droppin' my pants
right here.  Ow!  Hey!  Wait!  Look-- can you please just get

Er:  "Xena-- is busy-- and so am I."

Jox:  "Look-- just tell Xena I'm here and she'll come."

Er:  "Xena says she never saw you in her entire life."

Jox:  "Sweetie-- I am Joxer the Mighy.  I'm Xena's-- best pal." 

Er:  "If you know Xena so well, then-- tell me about her.  What's
her favorite weapon?  What does she like to-- ?"

Jox:  "Ii-i-i-i-i-- have a situation, here!"

Er:  "Fine.  You help me, and I'll help you."

Jox:  "OK.  Fine.  Fine-- whatever you wanna know.  Hm-m-m-m?

Er:  "Well-- uh-- for starters-- uh-- what does Xena look for in
a sidekick?"

Jox:  "Oh, oh-- well, um, um-- lots of flips would be good-- and,
um-- a good war cry is, uh-- always tops on her list."

Er:  "Thanks, Joxer."

Jox:  "You're welcome.  Now, could you-- listen, if you could--
please help me with, uh-- you could just!  Hello-- could you-- ?
Hi.  Oh"


Cy [?]:  "I had a man before I joined the Amazons."

Rh:  "It's tough for an Amazon to meet men."

Er:  "Well, I'm a virgin-- and I'm gonna stay that way forever."

X:  "Forever's a long time."

Rh:  "What's it like?  Being with a man?"

X:  "The good news is-- it's different every time.  The bad news
is it's different every time.  You're always hoping for Greek
fire but sometimes you just get diddly."

G:  "Xena has studied the subject more than I have, but I think
she's-- trying to say that-- some people are better lovers than

Rh:  "What makes a man a good lover?  Being gentle and kind?"

X:  "No."

G:  "Yes.  It's a complicated subject."

X:  "You'll figure out what suits you best as you get older."

Rh:  "But how can I?  Every time we see a man-- they want to kill
us.  How can we meet nice guys-- even not-so-nice guys?  It seems
like a lost cause."

Er:  "You don't _need_ a man, unless you want a baby-- and we've
got Eve to play with."

Rh:  "Not for long.  They're taking Eve with them when they go."

G:  "Actually, we're considering settling down here."

Er:  "You mean you might stay?  Great!  We have to start making
preparations!  We  need a formal coronation for our new queen!"

X:  "Actually, I think we're moving a little fast here."

G:  "Right.  We're only considering-- staying."


Jox:   "Oh.  Hi!  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  I'm really sorry!  I--
I didn't mean to look at you!  I don't even _like_ looking at
naked girls!  I don't!  Can you please get Xena?  I've been in
here a really long time.  I'm _so_ sorry.  Oh.  Heh-heh.  Hello--
heh-heh-- name's Joxer-- spelled, uh [Clears throat]--
J-o-x-e-rrrrrrrr.  Know what I mean?  Uh-- I'm a warrior.  I've
killed a lot of people.  That turn you on?  Killing people?"


X:  "What was that?"

G:  "Was that you?  That's the ram's horn.  The Amazons use it to
call the queen to the ceremonies.  I've been encouraging them to
repect their traditions."

X [Chuckles]:  "It's ridiculous."

G [Sighs]:  "I'm going."

X:  "You know what, Gabrielle?  I don't know that this is gonna
work.  Look, what am I supposed to do around here all day while
you're off `queening'?"

G:  "Relax."

X:  "Yeah, that's me."

G:  "You could try cleaning this place up a bit-- playing with
your daughter-- unless you just want to hunt and kill something."

X:  "Yeah-- I might just do that."

G:  "I'm going."

X:  "All right, Evie.  Come on.  Morning.  You know, I could
listen to that for days."


X:  "Oh-h-h-h, that's better, huh?  Oh, Evie-- you know what?
One day, all of this will be yours.  Mind you-- here you're safe
from the Greek gods-- Gabrielle's happy-- place is loaded with
baby sitters.  Could work-- hm-m.  What are you doing, sneaking
around here?!"

Er:  "I thought that if I could sneak up on you, I could prove to
you that I could be your new sidekick!  I know I can do it.  I
mean, I can fight!  I can jump!  Uh!  Ya!  And I can do thirty of
these things!"

X:  "But, can you clean?"

Er:  "Huh?"


Cy:  "Come on, pervert!"

Jox:  "Ow.  OK, I'm comin'.  I'm comin'.  OK.  Hold on.  I don't
think I can fit-- ow!"


Jox:  "Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w."

Cy:  "Queen Gabrielle!"

G:  "Not tonight.  [Sighs]  For spying on naked Amazons-- I
sentence you to one day in that block.  Counting time already
served-- you may be released after lunch."

Cy:  "You said, yourself, that it was important that we respect

G:  "Tradition _is_ important."

Cy:  "You are ignoring what the ancient Amazon code says about
traditional punishment for spying on Amazons while they bathe."

G:  "I wouldn't want to ignore the code.  What is the prescribed

Cy:  "`If a male should look on an Amazon's natural grace without
her permission-- he shall lose an eye.'"

Jox:  "Wait a minute.  I'm attached to my eyes-- both of 'em."



X:  "Yep-- whittlin' is fun."

Er:  "It'll be perfect-- a few hides of fresh kill hangin' by the
door-- a big mushroom garden-- a practice dummy out back-- a
weapons rack by the fire-- cooking spit big enough to roast a
whole side of beef-- .  What more could any Amazon want?"

X:  "Hm-m-m-- if I _was_ an Amazon.  Aa-ah, she's a little
overzealous, Eve, but-- at least the place will be clean.

G:  "Xena-- "

X:  "Hm-m?"

G:  "Joxer's going to be blinded."

X:  "Na-ah, that's just a myth.  Guys don't really go blind from
doing that."

G:  "No, under the _law_.  The punishment for seeing an Amazon
naked is losing an eye.  As queen, I have to enforce that."

X:  "I see.  That's a terrible problem."

G:  "You cleaned this place.  Xena, that's great.  You're really
trying to make it work, aren't you?  I can, too."

X:  "Well, um-- look, Joxer's had enough.  Just let him off the
hook, OK?"

G:  "I'm onto it."


Jox:  "Um-- oh, itch.  Hey!  Which one of you brats threw that?!"

Kids:  "Pervert!  Loser!  Fat creep!"

Jox:  "Why, you little-- !  Hey!  If I ever get out of these
stocks, you're dead!  You hear me?!  Dead!"

Rh:  "Why'd you do it?"

Jox:  "Huh?"

Rh:  "Why'd you spy on us while we were bathing?"

Jox:  "Oh-- uh-- uh-- well, um-- .  What, are you kidding?  How
could I _not_ look?"

Rh:  "I noticed.  You're the first man I've ever been near-- who
wasn't trying to kill me-- and the first to see me undressed."

Jox:  "Oh-- listen, um-- I'm really-- sorry about that.  I know I
shouldn't 'a done it."

Rh:  "And did you?  I mean-- was I pleasing?"

Jox:  "You're very-- healthy-- you know-- for a girl.  Heh-heh.
You know-- ."

Rh:  "Would you wanna make a baby with me?"

Jox:  "What?!"

Rh:  "Will you help?"

Jox:  "Wait a minute!  You want me to-- to-- to-- make a-- "

Rh:  "Right-- will you?"

Jox:  "Of course not!  Hey, listen!  We're not just machines, you
know, you can use to-- .  Besides-- you know, uh-- we can't just
do it on command.  We need stuff like, uh-- cheap motel rooms and
dirty pictures and lingerie-- stuff like that!  We're _not_
animals!  But I can get those things!"


Rh:  "Gabrielle's ready for the queen's robes."

Cy:  "Not in my opinion."

Rh:  "Cyane, look-- I know you're disappointed.  If Gabrielle and
Xena hadn't come along-- these robes would probably be yours."

Cy:  "And they should be.  I'm the one who took the name of our
ancient queen and I'm ready to follow in her footsteps."

Rh:  "And there's not a braver, more devoted sister in the whole
tribe.  That's why I know, you're gonna do the right thing, and
support gabrielle."


X:  "All right, Eve.  I want you to be a good girl, all right?  I
won't be very long.  Yeah."

Er:  "Xena-- where are you going?"

X:  "Hunting alone."

Er:  "Wow, then it's lucky we caught you."

Amazon's Voice:  "All right!"

X:  "Why?"

Er:  "Well-- we're in charge of staging the dance for Gabrielle's

X:  "Congratulations."

Er:  "Thanks-- but we were kinda hopin' that you'd be in it, too.
After all, you're her best friend, and-- until I came along, she
was your closest, most loyal companion?  Right?"

X:  "What did you say?"

Er:  "Don't you wanna help make this the most special day of her

X:  "Yes"


Jox:  "Uh!  Eh!  [Sighs]  Uh!  Oh!  Oh!  Ow!  Hey!  What was that

G:  "For being a peeping Tom."

Jox:  "Hey-- it's not my fault if a bunch 'a half-naked women are
bathing-- and I just _happen_ to be standing there watching them
from the bushes for a really long time.  Hey!  Ow!  Hey!  When's
this all gonna end?!"

G:  "When I can figure out how to get you out of here."

Jox:  "You're the queen.  Why don't you pardon me?"

G:  "It's not that easy.  There are traditions at stake."

Jox [Mockingly]:  "`It's not that easy.  There are traditions at
stake.'  [Normal Voice]  Well, how 'bout the tradition of not
having your pal's eyes gouged out?"

G:  "Don't be such a baby.  Maybe there's a loophole in the
Amazon scroll.  Don't go anywhere."

Jox:  "Don't-- oh-- f-f-f-f-f!"  [Sighs]

Kids:  "Na-na-na-na-na-na!  Na-na-na-na-na-na!"

Jox:  "How do you like that?!  Ha!  Ow!"


X:  "Look, um-- thanks, but I've had enough."

Amazon:  "You can't quit, now."

X:  "Sorry."

Er:  "Hey-- Xena's a lot older than us.  She's probably tired.
Come on, guys.  Let's go practice at my place."

X:  "Hey-- you make that yourself?"

G:  "Xena, I can make a difference with this tribe.  You _do_
understand that, don't you?"

X:  "I do."

G:  "You don't."

X:  "No, I don't."

Amazon's Voice [In Background]:  "No, it's not to a boil just

X:  "Look, it's not that I haven't tried, Gabrielle."

G:  "Tried?  Xena, _I_ can dance better than that."

X:  "This is just not me, all right?  This whole place, the-- the
shared meals, communal bathing, group laundry day.  All this
togetherness is making me sick!  I can hardly breathe."

G:  "You never _intended_ to stay, did you?"

X:  "You know, I think that maybe me and Eve should go away for a
while-- up north where the salmon are running-- some good
weather-- do some fishing."

G:  "That's probably a good idea."

X:  "It is."

G:  "You really think so, don't you?"

X:  "Yeah, I do.  So, I'll head back and get some things
together-- then after the coronation, Eve and I are outta here."



G:  "Amazon law-- if I can find it."

Amazons' Voices:  "Look!  There's Xena!"  "Hey, Xena!  Wait up!
Could you teach us that yelling thing you do?"  "And how does
that chakram thing work?"

G:  "Hm-m."


Jox:  "Hm-m-m-m-- I wonder if-- "

G [Whispers]:  "Joxer [Sighs] [Normal Voice]-- I think I have

Jox:  "What?"

G:  "OK-- it says in the Amazon scrolls-- that if an accused
man-- pledges allegiance to the queen?  He may be pardoned for a
first offense."

Jox:  "OK, great.  Well-- whatever you do-- do it quick.  Dinner
tonight is spaghetti and eyeballs-- mine."

G:  "You're always over-reacting."

Jox:  "Hey, are you aware that girl, Rhea, wants to have my

G:  "And you're delusional.  Joxer, listen-- next time you see
me, you have to pledge your undying, eternal allegiance to me."

Jox:  "Hey-- pledge this-- `deer.'"

Amazon:  "Queen Gabrielle-- it's time for the full moon

G:  "Hooray-- for ceremonies-- great."


G:  "No animals are going to be harmed in this ritual, are they?
I mean-- I'm not drinking blood or anything?"

Cy:  "Nothing like that."

G:  "Good."

Cy:  "Now-- we take off your clothes."

G:  "Excuse me?"

Cy:  "We can't cover the rest of your body while you're still
wearing clothes."

G:  "I don't think I'm familiar with this ritual."

Cy:  "As queen-- you must pay tribute to the full moon."

G:  "In mud?"

Cy:  "You must show the glory of your form to Sister Moon, so
that she will smile on you.  It will bring us great good fortune.
It's an important Amazon tradition."

G:  "Ri-i-i-i-ight.  Well then, for tradition's sake-- what's

Cy:  "Sister Wolf must talk to the moon."


G's Voice:  [Howls]

Jox:  "Hm-m-- what was that?!"

G's Voice:  [Howls]

Jox:  "Hello?!"

G's Voice:  [Howls]

Jox:  "I'm sorry!"


G  "How long does Sister Wolf howl at Sister Moon?"

Cy:  "Till Sister Sun chases Sister Moon away."

G:  "What?!"

Cy:  "The tradition-- "

G:  "All right.  All right."  [Howls]


X:  [Hums]

Er:  [Yells]

X:  "Hate it when that happens."

Er:  "I have to-- work out a few kinks, but ya gotta admit, those
were pretty cool flips."

X:  "Yeah, they were pretty cool."

Er:  "What about the war cry?"

X:  "It kind of sounded like a yak in labor."

Er:  "Well, I can work on it.  Xena-- now that you and are
Gabrielle broken up-- you definitely need a new travelling

X:  "No, no, hang on-- see, Gabrielle and I have only separated
for a couple of weeks, just so we can work things out.  So-- I'm
gonna get a few things together.  Can you look after Eve?"

Er:  "Oh, yeah."

X:  "There you go."

Er:  "Sure."

X:  "Won't be long"

Er:  "Hi."


G [Softly]:  "Now."

Jox:  "Oh!  Queen Gabrielle!"

G:  "Yes?"

Jox:  "Hearken unto me!  I have done wrong!  I pledge my eternal
allegiance to you!"

Amazon's Voice [In Background]:  "Beautiful-- I have fresh
apples-- "

G:  "Then, I guess you won't mind if I do this-- "

Jox:  "Ow!"

G:  "-- or this?"

Jox:  "Ow!"

G:  "Or this?"

Jox:  "Ow-ow-ow-ow!  Ow!  No!  Thank you, my queen."

G:  "I'll take it into consideration."

Jox:  "Hello.  Oh-- hel-lo.  Heh-heh-heh.  Hi, there.  Remember
me?  Joxer's the name-- J-O-X-E-R-- the `X' is for-- `Extra--
super sexy.'  Oh-oh.  OK, please-- OK, please-- don't cut 'em.
I-I need 'em both.  Oh-- oh, boy!"


X:  [Sighs]

Er:  "I took the liberty of packing some of my stuff for the

X:  "The trip?"

Er:  "If you only want me for a couple of weeks, I can live with
that.  It'll be a great experience-- and who knows what'll

X:  "Eris-- I'm  not looking for a sidekick-- temporary or
otherwise.  I'm sorry.  Come on, Evie."

Er:  "I took out some of those scrolls over there to make room
for some of my stuff.  I didn't know what you wanted to do with
them.  I think-- they belong to Gabrielle."

X:  "OK-- thanks.  I'll get 'em."


X:  "You wanna hear a story-- hm-m?  Let's have a look.  Hey--
`The r-r-r-r-return of Callisto'-- this'll be a good one.  `I
sing-- of the wrath of Callisto-- the pain of Gabrielle-- and the
courage of Xena-- and the inevitable mystery of a frienship as
immortal as the gods."


Jox:  "Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Oh!  Ooh!  Ow!"

Rh:  "So-- how do we start?"

Jox:  "Oh.  Oh.  Uh-oh.  Uh.  Uh.  Uh."

Rh:  "What?  You don't find me attractive?"

Jox:  "No.  You're-- you know, you're-- _very_ attractive.  I
just don't think this is gonna work.  Look-- you're a pagan.  I'm
a Zoro-astrian.  How will we raise our kids?"

Rh:  "Just-- tell me what to do and we'll see how it goes.  So--
how do we start?"

Jox:  "Uh-- w-j-- well-- first-- would be a kiss."

Rh:  "On the lips?"

Jox:  "Good place to start."

Rh:  "How was that?"

Jox:  "Pathetic, actually-- but just remember these words [Clears
throat]-- `Practice-- practice-- practice."

Rh:  "So, what do you think?"

Jox:  "Better-- better."


Cy:  "It's time to punish the blasphemer."

G:  "Before we do that-- there's something I wanna point out.
[Sighs]  He pledged his allegiance to me.  It says here-- "

Cy:  "You're gonna pardon him."

G:  "Yes-- the code says I can forgive a first offense.  I choose
to do that."

Cy:  "Very well-- I'll release him."


Jox:  "Oh, look, look-- this is _not_ right."

Rh:  "It's not working?"

Jox:  "No, it's-- definitely working.  Look-- you're a young kid
tryin' to find answers _too_ fast.  You need to find somebody
your own age.  I can't take advantage of you this way."

Rh:  "Oh, how sweet."

Jox:  "No, no!  Look-- we've _got_ to stop this!"

Rh:  [Growls]

Jox:  "By tomorrow."


Rh:  [Moans]

Cy:  "Rhea!  What are you doing?!"

Rh:  "It's called kissing.  Wanna try it?"

Cy:  "Stop it!  Both of you-- come with me!" 

Jox:  "Oh, OK-- OK, right in the-- oh, here I come.  Uh-- just--
give me a sec-- almost have it.  There.  OK, Honey.  One second.
Oh, OK.  O-- K.  OK.  I'm OK-- just a little more-- hello.
[Yells]  Ow!"


G:  "Is this another ceremony I don't know about?"

Cy:  "This time, he has broken the most sacred law of the
Amazons.  He was kissing Rhea out of season.  And who knows what

G:  "Is this true, Rhea?"

Rh:  "Yes, but it was all my fault."

Cy:  "And for that, you'll be banished.  But we can't show mercy
to him.  It's not his first crime, so you aren't allowed to
pardon him.  Our traditions are clear.  His crime requires him to
accept the royal challenge."

Jox:  "The royal challenge?  What's that?"

Cy:  "A fight to the death with the queen of the Amazons."

Jox:  "Oh, is that all?"



G:  "Think, Gabrielle.  Think.  [Sighs]  There's gotta be a way
out of this.  What made me think I could be a good queen?"

X:  "Your heart."

G:  "Did you pack?"

X:  "Yeah-- I'm almost done.  Listen, Eris found some of your
scrolls in my saddle bag."

G:  "I must have left them there at the last camp.  You can leave
them in the hut, Xena."

X:  "That's just it.  I can't.  I read 'em."

G:  "You read my scrolls?"

X:  "I always said I would."

G:  "I didn't think that-- .  Well?"

X:  "I think that anyone who writes like you can-- who can find
grace and meaning in everything that happens-- she's sure to make
a wonderful queen.  And that's worth sticking around to see.  So,
what's this I hear about a royal challenge between you and

G:  "Joxer was caught kissing Rhea.  I have to fight him to the
death.  It's Amazon law, Xena.  There's no other way."

X:  "They're certain to want a good show."

G:  "They're not kidding."

X:  "Don't worry.  You won't have to kill him."

G:  "Why not?"

X:  "'Cause I will."


Jox:  "Xena's got som'in' cookin'.  I know it.  Look-- she's not
gonna let me get killed over a kiss, and she's not gonna let you
be banished, either."

Rh:  "I'm sorry, Joxer.  None of this would have happened if I
hadn't wanted a baby so much."

Jox:  "What's the big rush?"

Rh:  "I've never felt as strong as I do when I hold Eve.  It's
like-- I could take on anyone-- do anything-- for someone so
helpless and sweet.   But having my own baby seemed impossible--
till you came along."

Jox:  "Oh-- I get it.  I was a sexual object-- used and then
tossed away-- a bologna pony-- a disposable stud.  All right!
[Chuckles]  Uh-- look-- you're young.  You have plenty of time to
have children-- and-and-- you'll feel just as strong."

Rh:  "Thanks, Joxer-- but I doubt if I'll ever find out."

Amazon:  "Time to die, pervert!"


Cy:  "Remember our heritage, sisters.  Our custom are steeped in
traditions passed down from as far back as the great Cyane
herself.  To dishonor them-- is to shame us all."

G:  "Cyane is right.  Sometimes, the old ways are best.  In
keeping with tradition-- I'm invoking the age-old provision--
allowing the queen's champion to fight in her place."

Cy:  "But that rule only applies if the queen's ill or injured."

G:  "It's at the queen's discretion.  Therefore-- I bestow my
right to fight upon my appointed champion-- Xena!"

Jox:  "See?  Told ya she'd have a plan."

Rh:  "Yeah-- she plans to kill you."

X:  "Before we begin, I'd like a rundown on the rules."

Cy [Sighs]:  "In a fight to the death, there's only one rule--
someone must die."

X:  "Sounds simple enough."

G:  "Is everybody ready?  Let the fight begin!"

Amazons:  [Cheer]

Jox:  "Oh.  Oh.  No-no-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!"

X:  "I am Xena!  The ultimate woman!  Versus Joxer-- the ultimate
meatball!  And I will cr-r-r-r-rush his head like a peanute--
between the thighs of do-o-o-o-o-o-o-oom!
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!  Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!  Oh!

Jox:  "Oh!  [Clears throat]  Yeah-- many call her-- `Xena-- the

X:  "That's right!"

Jox:  "But I call her `Xena-- the chump!'"

Amazons:  "Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

X:  "Oo-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

G:  "Come on, girl!"

Jox:  "In round one-- I will mash one-- I will mash her between
the jaws of death!  In-- round two-- I will crush her-- in the
ultimate ho-o-o-old!  In round three-- !"

Amazon's Voice:  "Kill the loser!"

Jox:  "-- there _is_ no round three!  Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

X:  "Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

Jox and X:  "Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

X:  "Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

Jox:  "Rah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

X:  "Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"


Jox:  "Oo-o-oh!"

X:  "Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!  A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Jox:  "No!"

X:  "Oh!  No, you don't!  Now!  I will penetrate his
br-r-r-rain-- with the gr-r-reat-- wet-- willy!"

Jox:  "No!  Not the wet willy!  No!  Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w!  Ah-h-h!"

X [Laughs]:  "Ah-h-h-h-h!  Ah-h!"

X and Jox:  [More Yells, Etc.]

Jox:  "Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Doggone it!  Oh!  I'm
sorry!  I'm sorry."

Amazon's Voice:  "Death to the pervert!"

Jox:  "Not the pinch!"

X:  "What constitutes death?  For instance-- I just shut off the
flow of blood to his brain!"

Cy:  "He's still moving."

X:  "Quite right.  We'll fix that [?].  How's that?"

Er:  "I can still see him breathing."

Cy:  "His heart's still beating.  His heart's stopped.  The man's
dead.  Our laws have been upheld."

Amazons:  [Cheer]

Amazon's Voice:  "The pervert is dead!"

X:  "Now, step back, Sweetie."

Cy:  "You tricked us!"

X:  "You pronounced him dead yourself.  Nothing says he has to
stay dead."

Cy:  "But our laws say-- "

G [Interrupts]:  "-- should be changed.  When they make someone
die for a kiss."

Rh:  "Or get banished."

Er:  "Or get an eye gouged out-- for getting an eyeful of us."

Cy:  "All I wanted was to keep us strong-- keep our heritage
alive.  I thought that's what we needed-- what you wanted.  My
apologies to you and the tribe-- and I humbly ask for your
permission to leave it."

G:  "Permission denied.  You love this tribe, Cyane.  They need
you-- especially since I'll be leaving-- with Xena?"

Er:  "Guess you won't be needing a new sidekick after all."

X:  "I'm afraid not.  Every time you turn his brain off."


X:  "A-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!  Who dat?  Who dat
down dere?"

G:  "I bet they make Cyane queen at the next full moon."

X:  "You all right with that?"

G:  "Do you mean, will I miss-- being caked in mud, howling at
the moon?"

X:  "Well, will ya?"

G:  "No.  Hm-m-- I think she'll do-- she'll do pretty well-- now
that she's loosened up a bit."

X:  "Yeah, but she won't be as good as you."

G:  "Well, she'll look better in those antlers."

X:  "And mud."

G:  "Where are we going next?"

X:  "Well, I had in mind-- a cruise down the Nile."

G:  "Really?  Camel racing in Alexandria?"

X's Voice:  "I know someone we can stay with."


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