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"Coming Home"  Episode 116/601


Soldier [Sold]:  "Did you hear something?"


Eve:  "Ares' message said to meet him here?  In these woods?"

X:  "That's right."

G:  "Do you think he's calling in a favor?"

Eve:  "We do owe him."

X:  "We owe him everything.  He gave up his immortality for us.
For the god of war there's no greater sacrifice."

G:  "Maybe he wants to see you again.  After all, he does have a
thing for you."

X:  "Na-a, he _wants_ something."

G:  "My point exactly."

Eve:  "Weren't these Amazon lands at one time?"

G:  "They still are.  Why do you ask?"

Eve:  "No reason."

X:  "What happened here?"

G's Voice:  "Who would destroy the Amazon forest?"

Sold's Voice:  [Screams]

X:  "Let's go."



Marga [Mar]:  "Varia, let's go!  There's too many of them!"

Eve:  "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

Solds' Voices:  "To Ares' camp!"  "Move!" 

Amazon's Voice:  "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  You call that fighting?!"

Varia [Var]:  [Yells]

Amazons:  [Cheer]

An Amazon:  [Moans]

A Voice:  "You're all right."

Mar:  "We don't often have such welcome strangers on our land.
Thank you."

G:  "We're glad we could help-- but we're not strangers."

Var:  "Yeah-- that one looks familiar."

Mar:  "I am Marga-- queen of the Amazons.  This is Varia-- my

X:  "Xena; Gabrielle; Eve."

Mar:  "No strangers indeed.  Gabrielle-- you are an Amazon queen

Var:  "Xena, it's said that you have the power to kill gods."

Mar:  "I hope that it's true.  We have one more for you."

X:  "Who?"

Mar:  "Ares-- the god of war."



G:  "Why would Ares attack the Amazons?"

X:  "'N why would he send for me?"

G:  "It makes no sense.  He knows you wouldn't fight them--

X:  "I don't know _what_ he knows.  Gabrielle, I'm gonna head
back and check out his army, find out how strong he is.  You talk
to Marga-- get all the information you can."

G:  "Right."


Lieu:  "Uh-- Lord-- "

Ares:  "Sh.  Sh.  Did you find the Amazon camp?"

Lieu:  "Uh-- no, Lord Ares.  We were ambushed.  We had them
defeated-- and then reinforcements showed up."

Ares:  "So you let a few Amazons stop you."

Lieu:  "A few?  No.  There were dozens of them, sir.  We need
more men."

Ares:  "Bad answer.  No more excuses!  I want that village!"

Lieu:  "But, sir-- why don't you use your powers to blast them
into oblivion?"

Ares:  "Where's the fun in that?  Now, get moving.  I want those
Amazons on their knees by the end of the day.  Go!"


Ares:  [Yells]

"X" [Laughs]:  "The great god of war can't even hurt a fly."

Ares:  "Xena-- you came."

"X":  "Lucky for you-- that fly nearly hadja."

Ares:  "I'm calling in a favor.  I think you know what I'm
talking about."

"X":  "Yeah.  So, spit it out.  What do you want?"

Ares:  "I want my godhood back."


G's Voice:  "Marga, why do _you_ think that Ares is attacking the

Mar:  "Well, we've always had an uneasy rapport-- but suddenly,
he wants to wipe us out."

G:  "Is there something that you have that could be of use to

Mar:  "It's a mystery.  All we have is our land.  But he's
destroyed most of it."

Var:  "He's reduced us to living like bandits in our own forest.
But he will never defeat us.  We will defend what's left-- to the


Ares:  "I don't do mortal at all well.  I'm more of a, um-- now
what is that word?  Um-- god."

"X":  "So you want the Amazons' ambrosia."

Ares:  "The _do_ have it!  I knew it!  My sister Artemis came to
me in a dream from the other side.  She told me they got a secret
stash.  Oh, they don't admit it to anybody, but they got it."

"X":  "They'll never give it up, Ares, not to you."

Ares:  "And that is where you come in.  Oh, they trust you.  You
go in-- get the ambrosia.  No one has to go to war."

"X":  "`No one has to go to war.'  I'll pretend I didn't hear
that.  I've got a _better_ idea.  You give me control of your
army.  I go in and _squish_ that little Amazon village.  And
after that, getting the ambrosia won't be a problem.  Besides,
I'm looking forward to a little war."

Ares:  "Xena-- you sound like your old self.  Oh, this is too
easy.  What're you up to?"

"X":  "Do I have to be up to something?  This greater good thing
gets old, right?"

Ares:  "Never tried it."

"X":  "Sure ya did.  Aren't you regretting giving up your
godhood?  Having to depend on others to do things for you?
Bleeding like a stuck pig?"

Ares:  "Well, now you mention it."

"X":  "And to ask me for help?"

Ares:  "Yeah-- that sucked."

"X":  "And all because you did a _good_ deed.  Was it worth it?"

Ares:  "Let me get back to you on that one."

"X":  [Chuckles]

"G"'s Voice:  "What are you doing?"

Ares:  "To think-- I actually saved your life."

"G":  "Xena-- "

"X":  "Gabrielle-- I thought you were watchin' the Amazons."

"G":  "The Amazons know what you want.  They're not giving it

"X":  "Then we'll just have to take it from them."

"G":  "Yeah.  Thay're weak.  It won't take much."

Ares:  "What happened to the peace- loving blonde chick you used
to be?"

"G":  "Ares-- that Gabrielle's been gone a long time.  You and
Xena showed me that warriors rule the world-- not philosophers."

Ares [Yawns]:  "I could get used to this.  I could."

"X":  "Hm-m."


Amazon's Voice:  "Come on!  Order!  Keep it low!  Keep lower!
Keep it up!  Keep it up!"

Var:  "I can't place where I've seen you before."

Eve:  "Maybe I have a common look."

Var:  "Yeah, right.  You showed some nice moves when we were
fighting earlier."

Eve:  "I was just trying to keep people from getting hurt."

Var:  "That's a strange thing to do in the middle of a battle."

Eve:  "I don't fight."

Var's Voice:  "You travel with those two but you don't fight?"

Var:  "You fought before.  I could tell by the way you move.  You
have experience."

Eve:  "Look-- I don't talk about my past."

Var:  "All right.  Let's stick with the present.  There's not
many of us left.  We need good fighters for the battle ahead.  So
either you can join us in the fight against Ares-- "

Eve:  "No-- no, I can't do that."

Var:  "Then you can fight me-- now.  Come on.  Hit me."

Eve:  "I'm not looking for trouble."

Var:  "I _live_ for trouble."

Eve:  "Believe me-- you don't wanna make me angry."


Ares:  "Fear not, friend fly-- there is no dishonor in defeat--
for I am-- the god of war!"

"Eve":  "Did you forget me so soon?  I didn't always take second
place to Xena-- remember?"

Ares:  "Well, well, well-- the chip off the old block.  Do I hear

"Eev":  "I should be leading your army-- not her."

"X":  "Get in line."

Ares:  "Oh-- this just gets-- better-- and better.  Say, what
happened to your new path?"

"Eve":  "I got over it.  Those Amazons really rub me the wrong

"Eve's" Voice:  "So-- when do we start?"

Ares:  "I'll tell my commander to prepare for an all-out assault.
[Chuckles]  I have got to get that ambrosia.  I will never get
used to walking everywhere."

"X":  "Oh, and Ares-- when we do get the ambrosia-- why don't we
split it four ways?  We could create Olympus on Earth."

Ares:  "Four ways?  Nasty.  Sounds great.  You know, when I told
my commanders that I had sent for you, they thought I was crazy.
Can you imagine?  Here I am spinning brilliant-- and those idiots
think I'm insane!  What a joke!"

"X":  "If he's not insane-- then I'm not a Fury."  [They laugh,
then morph into Furies.]

Fury's Voice:  "Xena and Ares, one against the other."

1st Fury:  "One of them has to die-- maybe both.  Then the
Olympians will be avenged-- and the path will be clear for us to
rule mankind."  [They laugh.]



Sold's Voice:  "Attention!"

Armorer [Arm]:  "Lord Ares!  Lord Ares!  I finished it."

"X":  "What's that?"

Ares:  "My new armor."

Arm:  "Yes, Lord."

"X":  "Well, what's it for?"

Ares:  "Can't be too careful.  Know what I mean?"

Arm:  "Beg pardon, my lord?"

"G":  "People might wonder what the god of war needs with that."

Ares:  "You think?"

Arm:  "Oh, no sir.  I-I try not to."

"X":  "Yeah, she's right, ya know.  If people find about your
little problem-- "

Ares:  [Groans]

"X":  "-- might be trouble."

Ares:  "Sh-h!  Not so loud."

Arm:  "Uh-uh.  Oh-- beg your pardon-- uh, my lord."

Ares:  "Ya got a point there."

Arm:  "Uh, I have?  I thought I filed them all down."

"X":  "Get rid of it, Ares.  Remember, you're invincible."

Ares:  "Yeah.  I changed my mind.  Scrap it."

Arm:  "But, sir, I-I-- I-- "

Ares:  "Did you hear me?!  What does the god of war need with
armor?!  Now, get lost!  Stay here.  I'll get my sword.  We can
start the attack.  I told you to get lost!"


Ares:  "I thought I told you to wait outside."

X:  "You haven't told us anything yet.  What's going on?"

Ares:  "I am getting my sword-- just like I told you.  `Ares,
ditch the armor.  Ares, what's going on?'  Honey, sweetie, I love
you, but you are_ suffocating_ me.  Now, get ready.  We're gonna
_roll_ right over those Amazons just like you said."

G:  "Ares, what are you talking about?"

Ares:  "War, baby!  Come on.  You were hot for it before."

X:  "Ares, there's not going to be any war."

Ares:  "Oh-- you are such a kidder.  No war.  Don't touch me."

G:  "He has lost his mind."

X:  "Maybe he had a push in that direction."

G:  "The Furies?"

X:  "I'd bet on it."


"X":  "What took you so long?  We were getting antsy."

Ares:  "I thought-- "

"X":  "Don't think-- it's time to fight."

"G":  "Death to the Amazons."

Ares:  "Now you're talkin'.  Death to the Amazons!"

Solds:  [Cheer]

X:  "Ares."

"X":  "Come on.  Get moving!"

X:  "Ares."

"X":  "Come on, Ares.  Give the order.  Let's go kill them all!"

Ares:  "Let's go.  Let's kill them all!"

Solds:  "Yeah!"

A Sold:  "Let's walk."

G:  "It's the Furies, all right."

X:  "We've got no time to lose.  Let's go."


X:  "There.  Let's head 'em off at the pass."

Solds' Voice:  "Avalanche!"

G:  "It's not gonna hold 'em for long."

A Sold:  "I need Tyrus, Nikos, Maximus, Dryus -- over there.
Start clearing those rocks."

X:  "Let's get back to the Amazon village-- warn 'em."


Var:  "How is she?  Kayla."

Kayla:  "Sister."

Var:  "You all right?"

Eve:  "Yeah."

Var:  "You took care 'a my sister Amazons before you took care 'a
yourself.  Thank you."

Eve:  "My wound was a small one."

Var:  "That old scar's a bad one.  Take a look at this."

Eve:  "Wow."

Var:  "A Roman short sword.  The man who did it-- died before he
had time to wipe his blade."

Eve:  "Hm-m.  Gaelic spear.  The man who did it-- his entire
regiment, his village, and two neighboring villages-- destroyed
before the sun went down."

Var:  "I was right-- you were a serious warrior.  Don't you miss
it?  I mean, the knot in your stomach as you prepare for war?"

Eve:  "The quiet after a tough battle."

Var [Whispers]:  "Yeah."

Eve:  "Victory snatched from the jaws of defeat-- death so
close-- then suddenly driven away.  No-- I don't miss it."

Var:  "Will you teach me some moves?"

Eve:  "Will you use them to hurt others?"

Var:  "For defense only"

Eve:  "OK."


Eve:  "Very good.  You're a natural."

Var:  "Thanks.  Come on.  Show me another one."

Eve:  "No, I can't."

Var:  "Admit you enjoyed teaching me that."

Eve:  "It was all right."

Var:  "Then one more-- your best move."

Eve:  "OK.  Say you're being charged by two lines of infantry--
and you don't have the angle to flip over them?  You do this--
yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!  See, that'll putchou right-- "

Var:  "I've only seen one warrior do that move.  I knew I
recognized you from someplace.  You're Livia, the _bitch_ of



Amazons' Voices:  "Flay her alive!"  "It's time to die, bitch!"

X:  "What now?"

G:  "Maybe they're getting their spirits up."

Amazons:  [Yell]

X:  "Hold it!  Get out of here!  Cut her free!"

Mar:  "Can't do that, Xena."

X:  "You take on Eve, you take on me."

Var:  "Good-- it was you who brought her into our village."

Eve:  "They know who I am, Mother."

X:  "We don't have time for this.  Ares' army is advancing.
You're completely outnumbered.  So if you wanna save what's left
of the Amazon nation, you'll flee, now."

Var:  "Your daughter, Xena?  She is the _reason_-- we are so few
in numbers."

Mar:  "Her army attacked us at night-- and many of our best
warriors were killed."

Var:  "They were the lucky ones."

G's Voice:  "Lucky to die?"

X:  "Eve--"

Eve:  "The Amazons I captured-- I sold into slavery."

Var:  "Now she must pay."

Mar:  "Our law says Eve must die."

G:  "I can't let that happen, Marga."

Mar:  "Are you challenging me."

G:  "If it comes to that, I _am_ challenging you."

Mar:  "That Roman did save my life-- and we do need Xena.  We'll
wait until after this is resolved before we deal with her."

X:  "Get out of the way."

Var:  "After what she did to our sisters?!  She deserves-- !"

Mar:  "Varia!  Obey me!  Take her to the hut, and bind her!


Var:  "Mommy won't save you this time."

Eve:  "If that's my destiny-- so be it."

X:  "That sword had better be for Ares' men.  What Eve did to
your people is unforgivable-- but she is _my_ daughter.  And if
anything happens to her while she's in your custody, you'll have
me to deal with.  And trust me-- you ain't ready for that.  Eve--
Eve, sweetheart, why didn't you tell us?"

Eve:  "I couldn't.  I know how much the Amazons mean to both of

X:  "Did you think we would love you less?"

Eve:  "What I did was unforgivable-- you said so yourself.  If
only they knew how sorry I am."

X:  "I know how hard it is to say you're sorry-- especially to
someone you love.  Gabrielle, when I hit you with my chakram-- "

G:  "Xena-- it wasn't your fault-- it was the Furies.  They drove
me to try to kill your daughter.  I've forgiven you.  You should,

X:  "I nearly lost you."

G:  "But you didn't-- and now the Furies are back."

X:  "Only this time-- we've gotta take 'em out."


Ares:  "Faster!  Come on, come on, come on, come on.  Come on!
Faster!  Come on, come on.  Come on, come on, come on.  Come on."

"X":  "What's the matter?  Can't get your rocks off?"

Ares:  "What?"

"X":  It's embarrassing."

Ares:  "What?"

"X":  "I don't think you deserve to be a-- god, Ares."

Ares:  "Xena, you don't mean that."

"X":  "Oh, but I do.  I do.  You see, you're a pathetic mortal,
who couldn't think his way out of a papyrus sack.  Uh."

Ares:  "No-- no, see, you can't talk that way to me anymore,
because if it wasn't-- for me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!  Your little
friend, and your crazed brat'd be dead!"

"X":  "Wow, that's almost as pitiful as when you told me you
loved me.  We had a good laugh about that one."

Ares:  "I'll kill you."

"X":  "Kill me?  You were barely a match for me when you were a

Ares:  "Ah-h-h!"


Ares:  "What are you lookin' at?!  Don't look at me!  What are
you lookin' at?!  Do _not_ look at me!"

X:  "Ares."

Ares:  "You!  I knew I should never have trusted you."

X:  "Ares, it's the Furies.  The Furies!  Do ya hear me?!
They're driving you insane."

Ares:  "No, it is _yo-o-o-o-o-o-ou_-- who are driving me insane!"

X:  "Come on, Ares.  Think about it.  You were a god!  You know
how the Ares work.  Fight them, Ares.  Fight them."

Ares [Sighs]:  "You don't bring me flowers anymore.  No-- you
hate me.  You have _always_ hated me!  I tried to give you
Olympus!  I tried to give you everything!  But you stabbed me in
the back!"

X:  "We just didn't want the same things."

Ares:  "Liar!  You want it.  You want the power-- but you're too
much of a coward to admit it.  You took it all-- you betrayed me.
[Laughs] Laugh, come on-- but you're not gonna live to enjoy it."


Ares:  "You're gonna die, Xena!  You!  And those Amazons!  And
_anyone_ who gets in my way!  'Cause I will kill you!  I will
kill you all!"



Var:  "To the death."

X:  "What's going on?  Wait.  Marga!  Your warriors can't beat
Ares' army.  You have to go now.  Leave 'em to me."

Mar:  "If we leave-- we are nothing.  We are nothing.  Without
our land, we are no longer Amazons."

X:  "You don't understand.  Ares is insane!  It's a fight you
can't win!  You have to listen to me."

Mar:  "No!  Xena, you have no authority here.  You brought our
mortal enemy to our village.  We don't trust you.  Amazons!
Let's fight!"

Amazons:  "Yeah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"  "Kill them!"

G:  "Xena, they're lambs to the slaughter."

An Amazon:  "Go-o-o!"

X:  "Not if I can help it."


Mar:  "You burned our forests!  You murdered our sisters!  No
more.  We won't take another backward step.  You'll have to kill
_every_ last one of us."

Ares:  "And what'll I do the rest of the afternoon?"

Solds:  [Snicker]

Ares:  "Now, you know what I want, woman.  If you give it to me--
I might think about bein' nice."

X:  "All right, Ares.  This is between you and me."

Ares:  "Yeah, yeah, Xena.  Take a number.  I'll get to you."

X:  "What's the matter, god 'a war?  You afraid of a girl?"

Sold's Voice:  "No."

Ares [Snickers]:  "You're kiddin' right?"

X:  "You're soft-- like all the Olympians.  You know, I killed
all the others, Ares-- but maybe I stopped too soon."

Furies:  "She can't say those things."  "It's her fault, Ares.
Kill her."  "Yeah, kill her."  [Laugh]

Ares:  "Shut up."

Fury's Voice:  "Kill her!"

Ares:  "Shut up!  Shut up!"

Fury's Voice:  "Kill her."

Ares:  "Get away from me!"

Fury's Voice:  "Kill her."

X:  "You're losing it.  Oh, and Ares-- gods don't bleed."

X's Voice:  "Care to explain that to your loyal troops?"

Ares: "I'll tear you apart with my bare hands!"


Ares:  "Damn!"

X:  "Hyah!  Yah!"

Ares:  "Hyah!"

Mar [Whispers]:  "Hah!"

Solds' Voices:  "Retreat!"  "Retreat!"  "Retreat!"  "Retreat!"

Amazons:  [Cheer]


X:  "Yah!  Yah!"

Ares:  "Yah!"

X:  "Yah!"

Ares:  "Right behind ya, Xena!"

X:  "Yah!  Yah!"

Ares:  "That's right, baby!  I'm still here!  Come on!  Hyah!"


Eve:  "Varia?"

G:  "It's me.  Look, we need your help.  We don't have much time.
Grab these.  Come on."


Ares:  "Hey, Xena!  Where're ya goin?!  I got som'in' for ya!
Are you ready to die, Xena?!"

X:  "Been there, done that.  Yah!"

Ares [Laughs]  [Sighs]:  "I tried-- ya know?  Real hard.  And you
know what?  I'm all tried out.  So, what am I saying here?  I
guess I'm sayin-- it's over."


Fury's Voice:  "Kill her."

Ares:  "Does this give you pleasure?  Do you like this?!  You're
like a snake!  You're li-- you're like like one of those
three-headed-- dogs!  I don't know what-- !  You're mean!  If I
could open you up-- I would show people the _mean_ inside you!
And I will!  I will!  Yeah!  Yeah!"

X:  "Uh!  Uh-h-h-h!"

Ares:  "Yeah!  You-- are makin' this-- wa-a-a-ay too easy!"

X:  "I'll try harder."

Ares:  "Oh, would you?"

X:  "You might be mortal, Ares-- but you will _never_ be a man."

Fury's Voice:  "Kill her.  Kill her."

Ares [Yells]:  "A-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!  Huh?!  You like that?!
Speak up!  I-I-- I can't hear you!  Xena-a-a-a-a-a!  Where _are_
you?  Don't _hide_ from me.  Oh, there you are.  So beautiful."

X [Muffled pleas]:  "Ares!"

Ares:  "I can't hear you.  You tried to fool me-- me-- the god of
war.  Well, that is what you get-- Xena!  That is what you get!
You were right!  I am not _a_ man!  I am _the_ man!  Xena-a-a!"

Furies [Snicker]:  "You just killed your beloved, Ares.  How does
it feel?  We have avenged the death of the Olympians.  Now the
Furies will r-r-rule in their place."  [Laugh]  [Scream]

Ares [Whispers]:  "Xena.  [Normal Voice]  Xena!  Oh-h-h!  [Yells]
[Whispers]  I loved you, Xena."

G:  "Ares?!"

Ares:  "I killed her."

G:  "No, you didn't.  Not yet.  We just have to get her warm.
Her body drowned in cold water.  Her organs are still alive.
Xena-- just keep her warm."

Eve:  "OK.  Come on."

G:  "We just have to get her breathing.  Xena?"

Eve [Whispers]:  "Come on.  [Normal Voice]  "Come on."

G:  "Wake up."

Eve:  "Come on.  You can do it, you know?  Xena-- come on.
Please-- wake up."

G's Voice:  "That's it.  Yeah-- you did it.  Good plan."


X:  "Hey."

Ares:  "Mortality stinks-- not to mention hurts."

X:  "Yeah, it does sometimes."

Ares:  "You have got a _wicked_ right jab."

X:  "Sorry about that."

Ares [Brief Sigh]:  "It's not the end of the world.  Who knows?
Maybe as a mortal I can experience something I never could as a

X:  "Like what?"

Ares:  "Like you."

X:  "You never give up, do you?"

Ares:  "Ow.  I guess I'm finally gettin' to ya."

X:  "You always got to me-- but you were bad for me, Ares.  You
still are."

Ares:  "Xena-- is there even a chance we could be together one
day?  I don't know, maybe, you know-- one in a thousand?"

X:  "More like one in a billion."

Ares:  "So you're sayin' there _is_ a chance."

X:  [Chuckles]

Ares:  "I gotta stop tryin' that.  I'm gonna rupture something."


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