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TRANSCRIPTION OF
HEART OF DARKNESS


"Heart of Darkness"  Episode 115/603

[TEASER]

[[[[[[Narrator:  "Previously, on Xena."  X:  "You're gonna love
Amphipolis.  It's-- so full of life."  Eve:  "Grandmother?"  X:
"Did you see her, Eve?"  Eve:  "She's trapped in this house."
Beggar:  "Mephistopheles-- sent-- evil spirits to Cyrene's
tavern-- "  X:  "-- burned her at the stake."  Mephistopheles
[Mep]:  "Whoever kills me-- must take my place and reign over
Hell."  Mep:  ":  "I am at _last_ made fle-e-e-e-e-e-e-esh!"!
[Yells]  X:  "So be it."  G:  "What happens now?  X:  "I don't.
I've got a feeling it's not over yet."]]]]]]

Michael [Mic]:  " Xena will never go down to Hell voluntarily."

Raphael [Rap]:  "When she opened up that portal-- and killed
Mephistopheles, she became him.  You know the rules.  She belongs
on that throne."

Mic:  "The last time Xena was in Hell-- she almost captured
Heaven."

Rap:  "Well, we've gotta do something.  We can't just leave her
on Earth with-- pure evil streaming out of that portal."

Lucifer [Luc]:  "Aren't you two inspiring?  Michael and Raphael--
chief warrior angels of the chief himself-- quaking like a couple
of frightened children."

Mic:  "You're very sure of yourself, aren't you?"

Luc:  "I'm sure of both my faith and my devotion-- which has
fueled my speedy ascent up the hierarchy-- a climb that will
continue-- with a promotion to Seraphim."

Mic:  "And how do you plan to achieve that?"

Luc:  "By throwing Xena-- down into Hell myself."

Mic:  "You realize Xena has the power to destroy angels."

Luc:  "She will use that power-- unless I send her to Hell."

Mic:  "Very well.  Proceed."

Rap:  "He just may be the right one for the job."

Mic:  "He may be perfect."

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Eve:  "A great evil is coming, Gabrielle.  I can feel it."

G:  "Maybe that's because you're standing near the portal to
Hell."

Eve:  "Maybe-- but there's a reason it's remained open, even
after Mephistopheles' death.  It's waiting for something."

Luc:  "Yes, it is, Eve.  It wants-- your mother."

G:  "Who-- why are you here?"

Luc:  "To do what Eve knows in her heart-- must be done.  But
since we're both-- on the same side-- I felt that she at least
deserved the courtesy-- of a quick goodbye."

G:  "Xena."

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X:  "Get away from my horse."

Aliyah [Ali]:  "I was just being friendly."

X:  "I've heard that before."

Ali:  "I came to offer my services, Xena.  After everything
you've done for the city and our people-- I'd like to help
restore your mother's tavern."

X:  "Well, thanks."

G:  "Xena?  Xena, we've got a problem."

X:  "Let me guess-- it's huge and potentially devastating."

Ali:  "An angel."

Luc:  "Well, I'm _more_ than an angel-- I'm an archangel--
destined to become-- a household name-- especially after I send
Xena to Hell."

X:  "So it _is_ huge and potentially devastating.  Goody."

[Fight]

Eve:  "As Eli's messenger, I tell you this is _wrong_."

Luc:  "What's wrong is your mother's _selfish_ refusal to bow to
the prophecy of Mephistopheles' throne.  Fortunately, Heaven's
got me on its side.  Now, if you'll excuse us-- we have a
steaming portal to get to.  Stay out of this, Gabrielle.  I wish
you no harm."

X:  "That's surprisingly decent, coming from one so guilty of
indecent exposure."

Luc:  "I expose nothing."

X:  "Except your abundant pride."

[Fight]

Luc:  "You're obviously not aware that this pride you accuse me
of is a mortal sin."

X:  "One of the seven deadlies, in fact.  So I can understand you
wanting to keep it quiet, being an angel and all."

Luc:  "You twist my words."

X:  "No, I straighten them out.  And you should thank me, because
they're the last ones you're ever gonna speak."

X:  "Because I am a generous soul, I'm going to make sure that
Gabrielle records your household name for all of posterity."

Luc:  "Lucifer-- my name's Lucifer."

X:  "Has a nice ring-- kinda like a death knell."

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[ACT I]

Eve:  "Mother, don't.  You can't murder a servant of God."

X:  "Was he serving God when he tried to send me to Hell?"

G:  "No."

Luc [Interrupts]:  "Yes."

Eve:  "It's not always possible for mankind to understand or
interpret God's will."

Luc:  "Well, well-- seems you've got quite a dilemma here, Xena--
'cause you know if you don't kill me now-- I'll try again."

X:  "Well, that's what I'm counting on.  You see, things have
been a little dull around here since Mephistopheles lost his
crown.  Come on, Luci-- I won't bite.  You don't mind if I call
ya Luci, do ya?"

Luc:  "No."

X:  "Lucifer-- Lucironi-- Big Al?  Good trick.  Come on, let me
buy ya a drink.  It's all right.  I know the owner."

G [Whispers]:  "What was that?"

Eve:  "A cancerous evil has taken root within her heart-- and is
at this very moment destroying her soul."

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X:  "As usual, you two are completely overreacting."

G:  "Overreacting?  You don't get it.  Xena, this evil is seeping
up through Hell.  It's coming through that portal, straight to
your heart."

Eve:  "You may not be descending to Mephistopheles' throne
voluntarily-- but obviously it's coming up to claim it's new
queen."

X:  "You mean its rightful ruler."

G:  "That would be you."

X:  "Not if I can find someone else to take my place-- him."

G:  "You're gonna turn an archangel into the king of Hell?"

X:  "Oh, he's less of an angel than I am.  He just doesn't know
it yet."

G:  "So, how do you plan on making him see the light?"

X:  "By showing him how much he's gonna _love_ the dark."

Eve:  "Eli says, `To corrupt another is to corrupt yourself.'"

X:  "Evie-- listen-- fruit rots from the inside out.  It's not
called corruption if you just peel away the layers to expose the
rotten core-- that is, unless you _want_ Mommy to go to Hell.
Well, then-- "

Luc:  "Nice place you got here."

X:  "Well, _that's_ the last time I let an evil demon do the
redecorating.  Trust me-- the more you drink-- the better it
looks."

Luc:  "No one's _that_ thirsty."

X:  "You'd be surprised.  Come on."

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X [Hums]:  "Come on.  Take a load off.  You know, I've travelled
the world and I've never found a place with such tranquility.
Here's to worldy delights.  Oh, come on.  When on Earth-- hm-m."

Luc:  [Sighs]

X:  "You know, the world has many such pleasures to offer,
Lucifer-- which is why I'm not thinking of leaving it any time
soon-- despite what you and your friend _Michael_ might have
planned."

Luc:  "You mean despite what you promised."

X:  "I never promised anything when I vanquished Mephistopheles."

Luc:  "But you were aware that came with certain obligations.
Even heroism comes with a price, Xena."

X:  "It also brings unexpected rewards-- just like it brought you
to me."

Luc:  "You say that like it's a good thing."

X:  "It's not often that I meet an adversary whose-- other
attributes equal his prowess with a sword."

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Eve:  "Eli's love-- it's reward enough in itself.  It blesses
both the giver and the receiver.  It-- "

Young Man [Y Man]:  "-- sounds like a bunch of ox dung to me."

[Laughter]

Woman's Voice:  "You got_that_ right."

Man's Voice:  "You tell her."

Eve:  "That's because we've been raised on this _ignorant_
notion-- that riches-- and selfishness can fill the emptiness in
our souls."

Woman:  "If that's true then I say let's leave the enlightenment
and the poverty to the poets and the prophets."

Eve:  "No."

Y Man:  "You would say that, you stupid sow, the way you and that
lazy husband of yours have been stealing from us for years."

Woman:  "Oh, please!  You don't even know _what_ you are talking
about!"

Y Man:  "Fifteen [?]!  Fourteen [?]!"

Woman:  "-- you-- !"

G:  "I don't know what's wrong with them."

Woman:  "Oh!  You really-- !"

Eve:  "I do."

Old Woman:  "You!"

Ali:  "Gabrielle-- there's a man here looking for you and Xena."

Woman:  "You!"

Y Man:  "I saw the evidence.  I saw a amulet lying there on the
ground.  It was a green-- "

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X:  "Have you ever asked yourself why the denizens of Heaven
itself are denied the most heavenly pleasures?"

Luc:  "I don't ask questions, Xena.  I do as I'm commanded."

X:  "Well, I don't know why you're not Seraph yet.  I bet even on
your worst days you're twice the angel those others are."

Luc:  "If only my superiors-- were as perceptive as you."

X:  "I do have an eye for talent."

Luc:  "-- and quick hands."

X:  "With these hands, I can attain both pleasure _and_ power for
whomsoever I choose.  Let me use them to make you the envy of all
the angels-- instead of _you_ being the one who does all the
envying."

Luc:  "You make an enticing offer."

X:  "Especially when you consider what an unappealing quality
envy is in an angel."  [Startles]

Luc:  "You mean what a _sinful_ quality-- don't you?"

X:  "Well, if the truth hurts-- let me make it better."

Luc:  "How?"

X:  "Stay on Earth and I'll show you.  You can't imagine what
it's like, Lucifer-- to sample flesh in _every_ form."

Luc:  "Despite what you may think, Xena-- it's not the flesh
that's appealing-- it's the spirit.  Because-- "

Luc and X:  "-- that's where the power comes from."

X:  "I know."

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G's Voice:  "Who are these travellers?"

Ali:  "I don't know-- but they've been arriving in droves all
day.  The group your friend Virgil is with were headed over to
the armory."

Eve:  "What interest could Virgil have with weapons?"

Ali:  "You know men and their toys."

G:  "It doesn't sound like the Virgil _I_ know."

A Man's Voice:  "Get him!"

Eve:  "Gabrielle, look."

Another Man's Voice:  "Go, Virgil!  Come on!"

A Woman's Voice:  "Come on!  Kill him!"

Crowd:  "Fight!  Fight!  Fight!  Fight!  Fight!  Fight!  Fight!
Fight!  Fight!  Fight!  Fight!  Fight!"

G [Interrupts]:  "Virgil?  Oh, Virgil?  Hey!"

Virgil [Vir]:  "You look tastier than I remember.  Mm!"

G:  "Virgil?  Will you help me?  He's hurt."

Vir:  "Sure-- anyghthing for you, Babe."

G:  "What are you doing, Virgil?!"

Eve:  "He's following his heart-- "

Man's Voice:  "We want a fight!"

Eve:  "-- just like all these other people."

G:  "What are you saying?"

Eve:  "The portal is a magnet.  It's drawing people here.  It's
feeding their dark side.  It's creating a Hell on Earth,
Gabrielle."

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[ACT II]

X:  "You and I have much in common."

Luc:  "Of course we do.  You're a mortal female with a lying
tongue-- savage tendencies-- and a blonde girlfriend.  I'm a
celibate-- archangel-- in the service of the Lord."

X:  "Ah, yes, but we're both sinners at heart, you and I-- trying
to walk a path that we weren't meant to."

Luc:  "Your reputation for wit-- is well deserved.  Me, a
sinner?"

X:  "You hit two of the top seven in your first hour here.  What
do you call that?   Beginner's luck?"

Luc:  "Red is definitely your color."

X:  "You know, I see the same spirit burning in you.  If we put
'em together we could rule both Hell _and_ Earth."

Luc:  "Why don't you start by taking me-- to Heaven?"

X:  "Gladly."

Luc [Sighs]:  "Wow.  What are you doing?"

X:  "It's Egyptian massage.  It's one of the world's greatest and
most sensual pleasures."

Luc:  "It's not exactly what I had in mind, but-- it'll do for
now."  [Sighs]

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G:  "Virgil, I thought you were off writing poetry."

Vir:  "You've heard the old adage:  `Write what you know.'?
Well, it turns out that shearing sheep and shoeing horses provide
a pretty shallow well from which to draw."

G:  "There's a difference between getting life experience and
beating an innocent man."

Vir [Snickers]:  "No man is innocent-- or woman."

G:  "You don't believe that."

Eve:  "He can't know _what_ he believes-- not when his heart is
lying to him."

Vir:  "No!  It lied to me when it urged that forgive you for
murdering my father.  Now, is Xena here or not?"

G:  "What do you want with her?"

Vir:  "Rumor has it that with the gods dead, she's about to take
the reigns of power.  I was hoping that when I pledged my life to
her mission-- I'd be doing it with you at my side."

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X:  [Hums]

Luc:  [Sighs]

X:  "Are you feeling any more relaxed?"

Luc [Sighs]:  "Ready for the next phase of my earthly education."

X:  "Well-- lesson one-- lose the dagger-- especially when I know
you don't really wanna send little Xena to Hell."

Luc:  "Ah, you doubt my resolve."

X:  "Oh, no."

Luc:  "Why don't you just kill me?"

X:  "Because wasted potential is the greatest sin of all.  I
wanna be your salvation, Lucifer."

Luc:  "I want _nothing_ from you."

X:  "Then how about everything?"

Luc:  "That's a gib word."

X:  "Oh, it's a big world.  That's what I'm offering."

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Eve [Sighs]:  "This is a sign of my continued commitment-- to
convert this temple and these people to your ways of love, Eli.
It is a humble reminder that I cannot do this alone."

Luc:  "What a long-winded way to ask for help."

Eve:  "Let's hear your version."

Luc:  "What for?  I came for some peace and quiet in which to
think-- not ask for assistance."

Eve:  "You need Eli's assistance-- although, perhaps you're too
far gone, even for that."

Crowd:  "Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!
Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!
Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!
Xena!"

Vir:  "Let's party-y-y-y-y-y-y!"

Woman's Voice:  "Yeah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

Vir:  "Come on, ladies!  I am a-a-a-all yours!  Out of the way,
Eve!"  [Laughs]

Eve:  "Mother-- your purpose will not be served by subjecting
this temple _or_ this town to further desecration!"

X:  "It's not desecration, Eve.  We're just throwing a farewell
bash for our celestial guest-- assuming that he'll give us the
pleasure."

Luc:  "The pleasure's all mine, Xena-- because the farewell I'll
be celebrating is yours."

G:  "You should listen to your mother, Eve.  She knows what she's
doing."

Eve:  "I wouldn't be so sure, Gabrielle-- not anymore."

X:  "Eve, sweetheart-- if you can't stand the heat-- then maybe
you should get the hell out of my kitchen!"

Eve:  "Or stay and put out the fire.  Uh!"

G:  "No one likes a party-pooper."

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G [Laughs]:  "I've had enough."

Vir:  "Perhaps-- but it'll help us bridge a gap more quickly
since we last so each other."

G:  "You mean it would make me drunk-- and loose."

Vir:  "No one understands my words better than you, Gabrielle."

Man's Voice:  "All right!"

Luc:  "Your friends seem to be enjoying themselves."

X:  "Almost as much as you seem to enjoy watching them."

Luc:  "I'm an angel, Xena.  That's what I do."

X:  "Well, there's nothing to keep you one forever, is there?
Down here the greatest possession is free will.  Take your
destiny in your hands, Lucifer.  Stay here.  Rule the world with
me.  Or you can go back to Heaven, become a Seraphim-- spend the
rest of eternity taking orders.  Your choice."

Luc:  "You make me feel things Xena-- a hunger."

X:  "It's called lust-- and the best thing is-- even when you've
sated it, you can _never_ be too full."

Luc [Chuckles]:  "Then allow me to spend eternity-- trying to
devour you."

X:  "Will I get another dagger in return?"

Luc:  "No-- you get to devour me-- body-- and soul."

Mic:  "Fortunately, Lucifer-- the soul of an archangel is not his
to give away.  It belongs to his God."

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[ACT III]

X:  "Michael-- since you, better than anyone, know I have the
power to kill angels, I am very impressed you'd come to do your
own dirty work."

Mic:  "You dare talk of dirty work-- when you besmirch so many
souls-- with your nefarious filth."

X:  "`Besmirch'-- is that even a real word?" 

Rap:  "What does it matter?  When these are real swords."

G:  "Michael-- I never thought I would do _this_."

Mic:  "You won't."

Vir:  "Hey!"

[Fight]

X:  "You know?  I really hope that the main course is more
satisfying than the appetizer."

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[Fight]

X:  "Your little magic tricks won't get me into that portal,
Raphael."

Rap:  "I know something that will."

X:  "Lucifer-- come on.  You're smarter than that."

Mic:  "This isn't a matter of intelligence, Xena.  It's about
devotion."

X:  "To whom?  Your God?"

Luc:  "Yes."

X:  "The same God that denies pleasures to angels?!  But grants
them to the lowliest creatures on Earth?  The same pleasures that
I would spend eternity showing you."

Mic:  "If you want redemption, Lucifer-- now is the time."

Luc:  "Ugh!"

X:  "I was their hero once, too.  Look how they've repaid me.
Lucifer-- Lucifer.  I told you we'd make one hell of a team!
Yes?"

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X [Sighs]:  "I was kind of in the middle of something,
Gabrielle."

G:  "You were supposed to throw him in the portal."

X:  "Yeah?  Well, he wasn't ready."

G:  "Xena, no one is ready to go to Hell.  That's the point."

X:  "Really?  Well, you and Virgil were lookin' ready to burn not
long ago."

G:  "Yeah?  So?"

X:  "Evil-- the dark side.  It's intoxicating, isn't it?"

G [Whispers]:  "Oh, yeah-- it's intoxicating."

X:  "Lucifer and I need time to work out the terms of our new
partnership."

G:  "Partnership?"

X:  "With no one on the throne of Hell, that portal is gonna
burst _wide_ open-- and the kingdoms of Earth and Hell are going
to merge and-- "

Luc:  "-- she'll need more than a mere mortal to help her rule
it."

Vir:  "Who are _you_ callin' mere?  How's your head?"

X:  [Sighs]

Eve:  "You need my help, Mother.  I'm the only one that sees
what's happening."

X:  "You may have the gift of sight, Eve, but you should trust I
have a vision."

Eve:  "As I feared, it's led you astray."

X:  "So what?  You gonna illuminate the way back home?"

Eve:  "Hopefully-- before the light within is extinguished."

X:  "Where did I go wrong?  You've gotten in Mommy's way for the
last time."

Vir:  [Whistles]

Luc:  "I hope you don't mind.  I asked them to ready the room for
us."

X:  "Hm-m.  Thank you, Aliyah."

Ali:  "It was a pleasure to serve you."

X:  "Hm-m."

Luc:  "And now it'll be mine."

X:  "Not now, Lucifer."

Luc:  "Don't tell me you've got a headache."

X:  "Yes, and her name is Eve.  We won't have any peace until
we've dealt with her."

Luc:  "Peace-- peace is overrated.  It's _passsion_-- that makes
one feel alive."

X:  "Passion is also unpredictable-- as I learned when you nearly
joined Michael in feeding me to the flames."

Luc:  "Old habits die hard.  Right now, I'd do _anything_ to make
it up to you."

X:  "Even tell Michael and his God that the world is ours and
they better stay the hell out of our way?"

Luc:  "What makes you think they'll listen?"

X:  "Oh, they'll listen when we kill their messenger."

Luc:  "Kill Eve?"

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[ACT IV]

X:  "E-e-eve?!  E-e-e-eve!  E-e-e-e-eve!  E-e-e-eve!  E-e-e-eve!
Eve, there's nothing to be afraid of, Honey!  I just wanna talk
to you!"

Luc:  "She could 'a gone in _any_ direction."

X:  "Eve?  The sooner you stop running, the sooner we can clear
up this little misunderstanding!"

Luc:  "I _love_ the way you bait a trap."

X:  "You ain't seen _nothin'_ yet."

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Eve:  "What are you doing here?"

Vir:  "Just havin' an old chat with Eli-- about why he chose my
father's _murderer_ as his messenger."

Eve:  "Really?  What'd he say?"

Vir:  "He said, `Prayer won't help you now.'"

Eve:  "That's why I came for those."

G:  "I'm sorry, Eve.  I can't let you do that."

Eve:  "Gabrielle, please."

G:  "No, listen, I can't let you discard all your beliefs because
of a crisis."

Eve:  "My beliefs will die with me if I do not send my mother
through that portal."

G:  "No."

Eve:  "Look-- the only thing left of my mother is _our_ memory of
her.  If you care anything about that, you will help me send her
through that portal."

G:  "I'll help you."

Eve:  [Sighs]

G:  "I've got her-r-r-r-r-r!"

X:  "Nice run, Eve-- made your mom proud."

Vir:  "She came for the swords."

X:  "My little pacifist.  How enterprising-- and hypocritical.
Have you learned _nothing_ from our time together?"

Eve:  "I've learned this-- and this-- yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!  And
most importantly, I've learned that the heart can betray-- but
the sword never lies."

Luc:  "Great farewell speech.  Time to go".

Eve:  "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

[Fight]

X:  "Wait.  If anyone deserves this historic opportunity-- it's
Gabrielle."

Luc:  "Wh-- Gab-- Gabrielle?"

X:  "She's been my partner for years.  She's shared things with
me you can never understand."

Luc:  "What about _our_ partnership?!"

X:  "You can't expect me to trust someone so ripe for corruption?
Someone so quick to switch sides-- and someone, who without even
realizing it, has committed-- _every_ deadly sin but one."

Luc:  "You _tricked_ me!"

X:  "You tried to kill me.  What did you expect?"

Luc:  "I swear to you, Xena-- I will spend eternity making sure
you feel my wrath!"

X:  "Wrath-- congratulations, Lucifer-- you just won the deadly
sin lottery with a perfect score of seven out of seven.  First
prize is a one-way ticket to Hell."

Luc:  "How dare you be so smug-- when men sin every day?!"

X:  "That's what makes us human, Lucifer-- but in you, an
archangel-- to succumb to such temptation, that's what makes you
a monster."

[Luc morphs into the Devil]

Luc:  [Yells]

[Fight]

Luc:  "I'm still hot for you, Xena-- only now I'm bigger--
stronger-- and more powerful than ever!"

X:  "That doesn't begin to make up for the attributes you lost."

Luc:  "Wha-- ?  What have you done to me?!"

X:  "Only what I suspect Michael wanted all along-- to put you in
touch with your inner demon.  Your kingdom awaits!"

Luc:  "Come, Xena-- you belong to me."

X:  "The hell I do."

Luc:  [Yells]

Eve:  "Mother!"

X:  "Eve."

Eve:  "You're back!"

X:  "Part of me never left."

Eve:  "I never should have doubted you."

X:  "After all you've seen and been through, I can't blame you
for thinking the dark side had won.  I just hope that one you'll
believe as strongly as I do in the power of love to save lives."

G:  "Xena, you did more than save lives.  You, um-- "

Vir:  "-- saved me from makin' the mistake of a lifetime."

X:  "Right."

Vir:  "Well, I guess I better go clean this mess up."

Eve:  "I'll help."

G:  "Thought I'd lost you for a minute, there."

X:  "Yeah, which minute was that?"

G:  "You and Lucifer were looking, um-- a little, uh-- "

X:  "Gabrielle, every time I felt myself start to lose control,
um-- just thought of you-- led me back home."

G:  "Really?"

X:  "Sure."

G:  "Don't go getting all emotional on me, Xena."

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