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"The God You Know"  Episode 124/612


G:  "Xena-- what kind of animal would do this?"

X:  "What do you want, Michael?"

Michael [Mic]:  "I sense hostility.  I want you to know-- I'm all
right with that."

X:  "Well, that is big of you-- considering last time you saw me,
you tried to have me cast down into Hell."

Mic:  "Desperate times warrant desperate measures.  As you see--
some new desperate times have arrived."

X:  "Who did this?"

Mic:  "Caligula  You know his reputation."

X:  "He's a psycho-- a sex addict-- and a murderer-- your
run-of-the-mill Roman emperor."

G:  "And he thinks he's a god."

Mic:  "No-- he _is_ a god."

X:  "He's immortal-- but how did that happen?"

Mic:  "I don't know.  What's important-- is that the God of Eli
gave you the power to _kill_ gods.  You're the only one who can
stop Caligula.  He killed Tiberius in order to gain power--
murdered _every_ last member of his family.  He's slain anybody
who won't swear allegiance to his cult of blood.  He wants to
write his name into the history books  as-- one of the great gods
of the pantheon.  And he'll destroy anyone who won't submit to

X:  "Including angels, no doubt."

Mic:  "And, uh-- the followers of Eli."

X:  "If anything's happened to Eve, Michael-- "

Mic:  "Not yet-- but your daughter has the courage of her
convictions.  She's gone to confront Caligula's persecution."

G:  "Eve's in Rome?"

X:  "If I find out that you're behind any of this, Michael, I
swear, I-- "

Mic:  "As you well know, Xena-- your daughter obeys a higher
power than me."

X:  "Michael, don't forget-- if I can kill gods-- I can kill
angels, too."


Roman's Voice:  "Behold before you, the supreme incarnation, of
immortality on Earth.  All hail the great god-emperor--
Caligula-- who fears nothing-- and cannot be vanquished."

Caligula [Cal] [Laughs]:  "Whoa, whoa-- Domastecles.  Good girl.
[Sighs]  Do it.  Come on."

Young Man:  "My Lord-- "

Cal:  "Hm-m."

Young Man:  "I pray for your mercy."

Cal:  "Well, praying is good.  Praying could buy you your life--
as long as your prayers are only for me-- and my eternal cult of

Old Man:  "Emperor-- I cannot forsake my religion."

Cal:  "Then you forsake-- your life.  Tie him up."

Roman:  "Come on."

Eve:  "Let him go."

Cal:  "Who's this?"

A Roman [Whispers]:  "Eve of the Elijans."

Cal:  "Oh-- Eve of the Elijans.  You know, I wish I hadn't been
away in the provinces when you were Livia.  I would have enjoyed
meeting the bitch of Rome."

Eve:  "Now I'm the bitch _for_ Rome-- and her people, through the
God of Eli-- whose love is an unconquerable force, once it has
entered the soul.  As his message spreads, Caligula-- your days
of tyranny are over."

Cal [Yawns]:  "Now I remember why I love to kill Elijans-- it's
the only thing that shuts them up."


X [As Saba]:  "Yah!"

Cal:  "What was that?"

"Saba":  "Yah!  Yah!  Yah!"

Roman Soldier:  "She's coming too fast."

X:  "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

Roman Soldier:  "Stop her!"

G:  "Eve-- come with me."

A Roman's Volice:  "Get her!"


"Saba":  "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Cal:  "Well-- I don't know who you are, but I like your style."

"Saba":  "Yeah?  How do you like this?  Ares, you fool!  What do
you think you're doing?!"

Ares:  "I can't let you kill my sister."

"Saba":  "What?"

Ares:  "Aphrodite and Caligula's lives are bound together.  If he
dies-- you destroy her, too."



G:  "Are you all right?"

Eve:  "Gabrielle, I'm fine.  You shouldn't _be_ here!  This is
_my_ mission."

G:  "Your mother's mission is protecting you.  Eve-- there are
some Elijans hiding in the catacombs on the outside of town.
We'll join you there.  Go."

Eve:  "OK."

G:  "OK."

Cal:  "Either you're _incredibly_ stupid-- or you know that
there's nothing I enjoy more than a good surprise."  [Chuckles]

Ares:  "OK, bad touching.  No-- stopping now."

Cal:  "Guards-- take him to the prison-- and take that Elijan
with him."

Roman:  "My lord-- she's disappeared."

Cal:  "Well, find her!  I'll make sure that her demise is
particularly spectacular."

Aph:  "I'm getting bored of all these distractions."

Cal:  "Well, then,my dear-- you should rest.  Oh!  Yeah!  Hoo!
All right.  Why don't you try and tell me-- just exactly what you
think you were doing?!"

"Synda" ["Syn"]:  "Allow me to explain.  I am Synda of Thrace.  I
represent the financial interest of the great charioteer-- Saba.
If that buffoon hadn't interrupted, then-- Saba would have
challenged you to a chariot race."

Cal:  "A chariot race.  Well, there may be some gold in it for
you if she can entertain me.  Being a god can be so boring-- and
I do _so_ love tall girls.  Come with me.  You will be my guest
of honor at the palace-- so that I can enjoy your company-- until
the race."


G:  "Feels good."

X:  "You know, Rome-- this place irks me.  Gabrielle, we've gotta
stop Caligula from killing Eve."

G:  "Xena, Eve is safe with the Elijans."

X:  "For now-- but I don't trust her to stay put."

G:  "We have to stop this madman without hurting Aphrodite."

X:  "Which means that we have to find out what this crazy bond is
between them-- and break it."

G:  "We have to stop this Caligula from committing genocide for
his cult of blood."

X:  "Yes-- all right.  Now, Aphrodite should be at the party.  I
want you to go there, find her, and try to talk some sense into
her.  I'm gonna join you there later.  I need to go to the
dungeon-- and talk to Ares.  Good luck."

G:  "Xena, don't forget, you're the guest of honor!"


G:  "Aphrodite-- you're looking beautiful.  You just seem a
little different.  Aphrodite, don't you remember me?"

Aphrodite [Aph]:  "You're being _very_ familiar-- considering I'm
a goddess and-- you're a butt-kissing parasite."

G:  "Aphrodite, I'm your friend."

Aph:  "Leave me alone."


G:  "Aphrodite-- Aphrodite, are you OK?"

Aph:  "Fabulous!  [Laughs]  I'm wonderful!  I've never been so
happy-- so-- so-- "

G [Whispers]:  "What?"

Aph [Whispers]:  "So happy."

G:  "Wha-- what are you doing?!"

Aph:  [Laughs]


Cal:  "Where _is_ she?"


Aph:  "I love him so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o much."

G:  "Caligula?  Aphrodite, I don't believe that."

Cal:  "Aphrodite-- you must forgive her.  She's tired and

G:  "I can tell."

Cal:  "And where is your Saba?  Hm-m?  She insults both the
emperor and the god-- with her failure to appear.  It's time for
the Praetorian guard to hunt her down.  Mm-m-m-- maybe then
she'll learn the importance of punctuality-- in death."


Ares:  "Xena, thank the Heavens.  How's Aphrodite?"

X:  "I was hoping you could tell me.  What happened to her?"

Ares:  "I came to Rome because I heard she was losing her mind.
You see, without the god of war, the goddess of love becomes


"Syn":  "Caligula [Chuckles]-- you aren't going to leave before
my world-renowned performance?"

Cal:  "Performance?"

"Syn":  "Yes."


X:  "Wh-wh-what does Caligula have to do with this?"

Ares:  "It's like he's some kind of succubus-- sucking her
godhood from her bit-- by bit.  Now, if you thought he ws bad as
an emperor-- imagine him with the powers of a full god.  And
there's nothing-- I can do about it."

X:  "Maybe I can."

Ares:  "No.  No."

X:  "I've gotta come between them before it's too late."


"Syn":  "Hee!  Kumalte!  Kah!  Jah!  Bah!  Yah!  Kah!  Kumalte!
Kah!  Hee!  Jah!"

Cal:  "Shh-- sleep well."

"Syn":  "Kah!  Dah!  Hee!  Hee!"

Cal:  "Oh!  Oh.  Brilliant!  Fabulous!"

X [Aside]:  "Did you get to Aphrodite?"

G [Aside]:  "She doesn't recognize us."


Cal:  "Saba!  We've missed your company."

"Saba":  "I am at your command, sire."

Cal:  "Oh-hoh.  Careful-- I can have some pretty unusual
commands.  Wow.  But!  Your _idea_ about the chariot race-- first
we need to know-- that you're a worthy opponent-- to race the god

"Saba":  "Name your task, Lord.  I will prove myself worthy of
your indulgence."

Cal:  "Good.  Prove yourself.  Kill him."  [Laughs]



"Saba":  "In a former life, my manager and I had a little floor
show-- which we would like now to perform for you in honor of our
emperor's-- exotic taste in entertainment."

Cal:  "Now, you're talking."

"Saba":  "Do you want a piece of this?"

Cal:  "I'm tempted-- deeply tempted, but I, uh-- I-I-I-- I

"Saba":  "Well, just as you like-- though I would like to give
you a taste of what you'll be missing."

Cal:  "Uh!  Oh-- you are the savage one."

"Saba":  "You have no idea.  And now-- let us entertain you."

Ares:  "You know-- I have fantasized about this in a hundred
different situations, I've gotta tell ya-- I never got to this

X:  "Well, enjoy it while you can-- 'cause in about 30 seconds--
all hell is gonna break loose."

Cal:  "Oh!  Guards!  Put that woman in chains!  Immediately!"

Ares:  "Now?"

Aph:  "Come on.  Don't make 'em go home now."

Cal:  "I said-- no!  Everyone!  I want this hall cleared!
Immediately!  All of you go!  You!  Guard!  Come here, now!  Take
out your dagger!  Do it!  Stab me in the arm.  Come on!  Hah!
[Laughs]  I still have it.  Oh!  Oh, my sweet immortality."


Cal:  "Blood.  [Laughs]  I'm gonna die."  [Laughs]

G:  "It's a small wound."

Aph:  "Oh, today, maybe-- but then a bigger one and then one day,
like every pathetic mortal-- I'll be dead."

G:  "Aphrodite, listen to me.  You know me, Aphrodite.  I'm your

Aph:  "I'm not staying here to listen to this!  No.  No."


"Saba":  "Nice touch."

Cal:  "Saba-- when you-- bit my lip-- you made me bleed.  How is
that possible?  I'm an immortal."

"Saba":  "Join the club.  Caligula-- _I_ am immortal, too."

Cal:  "Saba the charioteer's a god?"

"Saba":  "No, Saba the Celtic goddess of sex is a god.  When I
heard that the Olympians had met an untimely end, I thought this
was a perfect opportunity for me to spread  my-- wings.  And of
course, when I saw you-- I knew you'd make the perfect ally."

Cal:  "Well, what power do you have?"

"Saba":  "You've already experienced my powers.  I-- have the
ability to pierce the veil of immortality-- to make gods bleed--
to make gods die.  It's an uncommon gift."

Cal:  "And a risk for any god to keep you around."

"Saba":  "A risk not to-- especially when you compare me to that
washed-out dish rag Aphoridite."

Cal [Snickers]:  "Where is she, anyway?"

"Saba":  "Forget her.  She's weak.  Now, how much better would it
be-- if there were two healthy gods using one antoher?"

Cal:  "You mean-- you-- and I?"

"Saba":  "Well, otherwise, you'll be known as `Caligula, god of
messed-up freaks'."

Cal:  "Oh!  How dare you-- speak to me  in that way?!  Do you
know who you're talking to?!"

"Saba":  "Do you?  My offer's on the table, Caligula.  And think
about it, carefully.  I make a very good friend-- and an even
better enemy."


Cal's Mom:  "Caligula-- "

Cal:  [Screams]

Cal's Mom:  "-- my cowardly son.  Don't you recognize your own
mother's voice?  I see you've become the pathetic man we always
thought you'd be.  You're the laughingstock of all Rome."

Cal:  "No!"

Cal's Mom:  "You murdered your own family for this?!"

Cal:  "I am a god!  While you are just voices in my head!"

Cal's Mom:  [Laughs]

Cal:  "You're dead!  Leave me alone!"  [Screams]

Cal's Mom [Laughs]:  "Leave you alone?!"

Cal:  "By the Heavens!  Somebody!  Save me!"

Cal's Mom:  "Caligula-- you're the only one-- who can save

Mic:  [Laughs]

Cal:  "What sort of demon are you?"


Eve:  "At last.  I'm ready."

Mic:  "You are ready."

Eve:  "Yes, Archangel."

Mic:  "You're afraid."

Eve:  "No, it's-- I'm-- "

Mic:  "Have no fear."



Eve:  "I give unto Caesar all that is Caesar's-- but I bring also
the message of Eli-- the only true path to redemption."

Cal:  "Oh, you are _so_ earnest.  This is going to be fun."

Eve:  "Let go of lust and violence.  Open your heart to truth and

Cal:  "Lust and violence or-- truth-- and hope.  Hm-m-- I think
I'll stick with the status quo."

"Saba":  "Oh, fabulous."

Eve [Whispers]:  "What?  What?"

"Saba":  "Caligula-- what on Earth did you _think_ you were

Eve:  "I don't _need_ you to interfere with my mission!"

"Saba":  "Granted she's a bit irritating, but why here and now?"

Cal:  "Well-- the demon with wings said that if I spilt her
blood, it would ensure my legacy as the greatest of all gods."

"Saba":  "The demon with wings?"

Cal:  "Hm-m."

"Saba":  "My dear-- why here and now, when there is neither sport
nor glory in it?"

Cal:  "Glory?"

"Saba:  "For your cult of blood.  Why, this could be a missed
opportunity.  Every cult needs followers.  If you were to, for
example, exterminate the messenger of Eli-- in front of the
masses, why--"

Cal:  "Yes-- that would make them take notice."

"Saba":  "Superb."

Cal:  "I am, aren't I?"

"Saba":  "Why do you prefer Aphrodite to me?"

Cal:  "It's not that I prefer her, my sweet.  I just need none
final thing from her?"

"Saba":  "What's that?"

Cal:  "A final kiss-- goodbye."


Aph:  "I'm sorry.  [Sighs]  Why are you doing this to me?  What
do you want?"

G:  "I want my friend back."

Aph:  "I've never seen you before today.  I could turn you into a
mosquito, you know?"

G:  "You could have done that hours ago, but you didn't.  You
know why?  Because you do _know_ me.  You don't want to hurt me."

Aph:  "Well, if we're such good friends-- then how come I don't
recognize you?"

G:  "Because you're giving up your identity to some maniac whom
you claim to love."

X:  "Michae-e-e-e-e-e-e-el!  You tried to get Caligula to kill
Eve to force my hand.  Now you go after my girlfriends.  That's
not gonna happen.  Bring it on."


G [Whispers]:  "Come on."

X:  "Don't be afraid, Michael.  OK, Michael-- you know the drill.
You got 30 seconds."

G:  "Xena, stop it!"

X:  "10-- 9-- "

Mic:  "I was tryin' to kill Aphrodite-- not Gabrielle!  Because
Caligula is threatening to become Eli's major foe-- and we can't
allow the madman to become a full god-- which will surely happen
if he kisses Aphrodite-- one more time-- and the only way I can
do that-- is by killing Aphrodite!"

X:  "I've got one more question for ya-- "

Mic:  "Huh?"

X:  "What happens to angels when they die?"

G:  "Xena, stop it!"

X:  "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

Mic:  [Laughs]

X:  "It's gone.  They've taken it away from me."

G:  "What?  What is it?"

X:  "The power to kill gods, Gabrielle-- it's gone."

Cal:  "I've been looking for you, Aphrodite."



"Saba":  "No-o-o-o!"

Cal:  "Your passion for me overrides your good sense-- but I like
that in a woman.  I will forgive your jealous outburst--
because-- whoa!  Oh, yeah!  I feel good!  Watch me!"

G:  "Aphrodite-- hey."

Aph:  "Gabrielle, I know we're like, close, but-- is this

G:  "Is it really you?"

Aph [Laughs]:  "OK, Gabs-- has anyone ever told you that you can
be like, a total ditz?"

X:  "Aphrodite-- what do you think about Caligula?"

Aph:  "Um, nothing.  Caligula--  ew-w-w."

X:  "The bond between them's been broken."

Aph:  "Yeah.  OK, whatever.  I'm getting us out of here."

X:  "You can't, Aphrodite.  Caligula is truly a god, now."


"Saba":  "Open the door.  Leave us.  Eve-- "

Ares:  "What's happened?"

X:  "Aphrodite's got her mind back-- but she's lost her

Ares:  "So he's a full god, now."

X:  "It gets worse.  Eli has stripped me of my power to kill
gods.  It means I have no way of halting Caligula's madness.
Eve, I'm sorry."

Eve:  "It wasn't the punch that hurt.  You trampled right over
the decision I had made."

X:  "I had to, Eve."

Eve:  "No-- you forget, Mother-- it's my life.  It's my death.
It's my choice."

X:  "No, _you_ forget.  I am your mother-- and I would die before
I'd let him touch a hair on your head."

Eve:  "You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the world
forever, Mother."

X:  "Well, it's funny you should say that."


Romans' Voices:  "More!"  "Kill her!"

"Saba":  "Get up!"

Roman Women:  "Burn that woman!"  "Fire!"

Cal:  "Citizens of Rome!  You are here to witness a chariot
race-- celebrating the allegiance between-- your god-emperor--
and his new queen-- the goddess Saba!"

Romans:  "Hail to the queen!"  "Long may she reign!"

Cal:  "The victor of the race-- wins the right-- to kill-- Eve of
the Elijans-- formerly Livia-- the _whore_ of Rome!"

"Saba":  Let it begin!"

Romans:  "Caligula!"  "A victory for Rome!"

Cal:  "Hee-yah!  Hyah!  Come  on!"

"Saba":  "Hyah!"

Cal:  "Heeyah!  Yah!  Come on!  Heeyah!  Hyah!  Yah!  Oops!
Still gettin' the hang of that!  [Laughs]  Heeyah!  Heeyah!
Heeyah!  Yah!"

"Saba":  "Yah!  Yah!"

Cal:  "Yah!  Yah!"

Romans:  "Here they come!"  "Look out!"

Cal:  "Yeeah!  Ha-ha-ha!"

"Saba":  "Yee-ah-h-h!  Yeah-h!  Yah-h-h!"

Cal:  "Come on!"

"Saba":  "Yah!  Caligula-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!  Yah-h-h!  Yah-h-h-h!
Yah-h-h-h-h!  Get on!"

Cal:  "Don't you just love this god stuff?!"

"Saba":  "Absolutely!  Yah!  Ooh!  Ah!  Methinks my lord enjoys
this sport-- a little too much!"

Cal:  "You got it, Babe!  Yeah!  Yeah!"

"Saba"  "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

Cal:  "Come on!"

Roman's Voice:  "Here they come!  Caligula's in the lead!"  

"Saba":  "Yeah!  Yah!  Hyah!"

Cal:  "Yah!"

"Saba":  "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!  Yah!"  [Laughs]

Cal:  "Come on!"

"Saba":  "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

Cal:  "Yeah!"

"Saba":  "Yah-h-h!  Yah!"

Cal:  "Faster!"

"Saba":  "Yah!"

Roman's Voice:  "Look out!"

Cal:  "Well-- that was quite a race!  I guess you're gonna be the
one who spills the blood."

"Saba":  "Yes, I've been waiting for this opportunity a long
time-- only it won't be her blood that's spilt today."

G's Voice:  "That's  Xena."

G:  "That's Xena, the warrior princess!"

Roman's Voice:  "Xena?"

Cal:  "Xena?  Xena-- I know that name.  Yes, Xena  slayer of--

X:  "Also known as Xena, mother of the girl you so charmingly
called-- `Whore of Rome'."

Cal:  "Uh-- perhaps-- we could-- renegotiate the _exact_ terms of
the prize."

X:  "No."

Crowd:  "Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!
Xena!  Xena!  [Etc.]"

X:  "The only thing we'll negotiate is what happens to you.
Caligula, I have been killing gods for years and you can hardly
throw a fireball straight.  So you gotta ask yourself-- do you
feel lucky?"

Crowd:  "Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  Xena!  [Etc.]"

Cal:  "I am your-- emperor!  I am your god!  How dare you not
give me-- the respect that I deserve!"

Roman's Voice:  "-- Caligula."

Cal:  "You're nothing!"

Crowd:  [Jeers]

Cal:  "I allow you to worship me!"

Crowd:  [Laughs]

Woman's Voice:  "Perfect!"

X:  "Hold on, Caligula-- I'm going to spare you the humiliation--
of dying on your knees."

Cal:  "Please--"

X:  "Listen to me.  Still, you're gonna have what you've always
wanted-- your place amongst the pantheon of Roman gods.  What
better way to start your new cult of blood-- than with the
ultimate act of bloodshed-- the spilling of your own blood?"

Roman's Voice:  "Down with Caligula!"

Cal:  "They-- they hate me."

X:  "Don't listen to them."

Cal:  "They think I'm weak!"

X:  "Then prove to them you're not.  Caligula, kill yourself.  If
I kill ya-- why, you're just another dead god.  But if you were
to kill yourself-- "

Cal:  "-- then-- then my name lives forever."

X:  "Forever-- yes.  Do it, Caligula.  Take your rightful place.
[Whispers]  Do it.  I understand you."

Cal:  "Yes-- live-- forever.  Yuh!  Yes!  Uh!"

X:  "The only person in all Rome who could kill Caligula-- was


G:  "How are you feeling?"

X:  "Dirty.  How should I feel?"

G:  "Xena, there was nothing you could do.  He was evil."

X:  "No-- he was damaged.  He wasn't evil."

Aph:  "It's not fair.  Uh!  It's not fair!  Oh, it's not  fair,
it's not fair, it's not fair!"

Ares:  "Welcome to my nightmare, Sis."

G:  "Hm-m."

Aph:  "Gabrielle-- when you were tryting to get through to me
earlier, you said a coupl'a times that you were my friend.  Did
you really mean that?"

G:  "Absolutely."

Aph:  "How cloyingly sentimental-- but very much appreciated."

X:  "All right, everyone-- let's get outta here.  Come on."

Eve:  "Are you sorry, Mother?  To lose your greatest gift?  The
ability to kill gods?"

X:  "Nah, it'll just make life spicier.  Besides, I've still got
my two greatest gifts-- and I've got no intention of losing
either of them."


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