Whoosh! Online
Edition Come visit Bubba's Guide!


"You Are There"  Episode 128/613


Odin [Odi]'s Voice:  "What?!  Here?!"


G:  "Beowulf."

Beowulf [Beo] [Burps]:  "Gabrielle."

G [Chuckles]:  "It's good to see you."

Beo:  "And you, Gabrielle."

X:  "Hey."

Beo:  "Xena-- you're a long way from home-- "

X:  "What's goin' on, Beowulf.  Last time you saw Gabrielle, you were willing to walk through a column of fire to be at her side."

Beo:  "It was love-struck foolishness.  I like my bones the way they are-- without the flesh seared from them.  Rest--slake your thirst."

X:  "We didn't come here to drink with you, Beowulf.  I need to see Odin."

Beo:  "You know where to find him."

G:  "In Valhalla, but it's not easy to get there."

Sieglinda [Sie]:  "For some!  But you were a Valkyrie once, Xena.  You know the way to Valhalla.  Die a hero's death.  I'll escort you there myself."

X:  "That's part of my long-range plan.  Right now, I just need to see Odin."

Sie:  "Odin doesn't need to see you.  In fact, we have orders to keep you away from him."

X:  "Well, I don't wanna make a sister Valkyrie look bad, but you're gonna have trouble following those orders."

Sie:  "Think so?"

X:  "Mm-hm-m."



Interviewer [Int]:  "OK, OK, are we rolling?  Sound-- check, check.  Testing, 1, 2, 3-- Mary-- had a little lamb.  Great.  Ow.  Ow.  All right.  OK.  Come on, let's go.  Coming through.  Excuse me, excuse me.  This way; come on."

X:  "All right.  Get out!"

Int:  "Here's Xena now.  I think we're just gonna go over and talk to her.  Excuse me, coming through.  Oh!  Sorry, Valkyries.  Uh, now [Clears throat], Xena [Clears throat]-- would you care to tell me why you've returned to the Norselands at this time?  You realize, Odin has vowed to kill you should you return to Valhalla.  Would you care to comment on that threat?  Xena?"



Int:  "Xena-- Warrior Princess.  To many, she's seen as a savior-- a protector of the downtrodden-- and the innocent.  Others, however-- see her as nothing more than a butcher-- her hands-- stained with the blood of hundreds-- no, thousands-- of innocent people.  Which is it?  Tonight-- we put that question to the legendary woman, herself."


X:  "Hey."

G:  "Hey!  Watch where you put your hands!"

Crewman:  "We're set.  Roll sound."

X:  "Yeah, you watch where you put your hands, buddy."

Int:  "Xena-- welcome.  And also with us this evening-- Gabrielle-- the battling bard of Poteidaea-- Xena's constant travelling companion, and the chronicler of her deeds.  Glad you could make it."

G:  "Uh, thank you.  It's, um-- it's good to be here."

Int:  "Good.  Xena, first to you.  You don't have exactly the greatest reputation here among the Norseman.  As a Valkyrie, you used Odin's runes to visit a reign of terror on the people of this land."

G:  "Everyone's seen the tapestry."

X:  "Uh, that was a long time ago."

Int:  "So, why come back now?  There's no love lost between you and Odin."

X:  "Oh, but that's just it.  That's exactly why Gabrielle and I have returned--"

Int [Interrupts]:  "You betrayed Odin, didn't you?  Turning his, lover, if you will, [File Photo-- Grinhilda] Grinhilda, into a hideous monster."

G:  "Yeah, but Xena changed her back."

Int:  "But not before the she-beast and her son, Grindl, sent many a Viking warrior to Valhalla."

X:  "Is there a question in this somewhere?" 

Int:  "Xena-- is it your intention-- to kill Odin, and have youreself proclaimed a god in his place?"

G:  "What?"

X:  "Crazy."

Int:  "Do you deny that you stole the Rheingold-- "

X:  "No."

Int:  "-- and forged that into a ring which gave you the power of a god?"

X:  "I gave back the Rheingold.  You can ask the Rhein Maidens."

Int:  "And what about the Olympian gods?  You destroyed them also, didn't you?"

X:  "N-n-not all of them, no."

G:  "Oh, see, they were-- they were trying to kill her daughter."

X:  "Right."

Int:  "Ah-h-- a daughter-- who was following very successfully in her mother's bloody footsteps."

X:  "Now just a doggone minute."

Int:  "Xena, do you still have the power to kill a god?"

X:  "I got the power to kill much lower forms of life than that."

Int:  "What's the matter, Xena?  Ucomfortable with the truth?"

X:  "The truth?  You know what?  You wouldn't know the truth if if grew fangs and bit you-- !"

G:  "Actually, uh, this interview is over."

Int:  "Come on, Xena.  Why don't you just admit it?!  You've always lusted to have the power of a god-- and now you're here-- to kill Odin!  Isn't that right, Xena?!  You're here to kill Odin!  I think that was good-- had her on the ropes."  [Chuckles]


[The River Styx]

Int's Voice:  "Xena's protestations of innocence aside-- Odin-- would do well to fear her-- considering the fate of many others who have crossed her in the past-- and ended up-- here-- on the shores of the River Styx-- in Hades."

Charon [Cha]:  "Nah-- I can't deny Xena's been good [Charon-- Boatman of the Dead] for my business.  Wouldn't mind a vacation.  But hey, it's better to be workin' than not workin', right?"  [Laughs]

Int:  "Of course it is.  What you're saying is, that most of these passengers-- are here because of Xena."

Cha [Snorts]:  "Raw numbers?  Nah-- she's a drop in the bucket.  But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters-- Elainus of Mycenae-- Velasca-- uh-- Mark Antony-- Callisto-- you can even make a case for Caesar, himself.  You see, these people do not lose their mortal coils without a fight."  [Laughs]

Caligula [Cal]:  "Hey!  Sometime this eternity!"

Cha:  "Unlike this guy-- who's just been askin' for a one-way ticket to the Underworld if you ask me."

Cal:  "Because is this gonna take long?  You know [Caligula Former Emperor of Rome -- Deceased], because I've been waiting for this stupid barge forever.  That boatman?  I've been bumped twice already.  Peon!  Damned arrogant ass!  Doesn't know who I am."

Int:  "It'll only take a moment.  I wanted to ask you a few questions about Xena."

Cal:  "Xena?  You just wanna ask me about Xena?  Fine, I'll tell you.  She's a snake!  A treacherous deceiver, like the rest of her sex.  Never turn your back on her.  She and that-that-that bard of hers-- yeah, like we don't know what's goin' on there, huh?  Yeah, and they want you to think that Xena fights for honor?!  Oh!"

Int:  "And she doesn't?"

Cal:  "Look-- I've spilled enough blood in my day to know why anyone does it-- it's the-- scent of it, the-- taste-- the thrill!  Xena's no different!  I'll show you.  Hey, you!  There-- who killed you?"

Man:  "You did-- beggin' your pardon, I think you were drunk.  You slit me open from here to-- "

Cal [Interrupts]:  "Uh, b-b-ba!"

Cha:  "Come on, fancy pants-- I thought you were in a hurry."

Cal:  "Get your hands off of me!  I'm in the middle of an interview, you impudent cur!"

Cha:  "Yeah, yeah-- you may have been a big-shot on Earth, but down here you're just dead.  Get-- used to it. Come on."

Cal:  "Xena's evil!  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!  I-I was a god!  A living god-- and that bitch took me out."

Cha:  "All right.  Oh-- there's one more thing I'd like to say.  At least-- Xena pays her fare-- unlike-- another so-called superhero I know-- more like-- super-cheapskate.  That's right-- I'm talkin' about you-- Hercules.  [Growls]  Hercules."

Int:  "`I was a god-- a living god-- and that bitch took me out.'"


Int's Voice [Artist's Rendering Valhalla]:  "Odin declined an interview for this story-- but a source within Valhalla, did agree to speak with us-- on a condition of strict anonymity."

Int:  "Welcome.  I understand-- that you're masking your identity-- in a magic cloak of invisibility-- "

Odi's Voice [Anonymous Source]:  "That is correct."

Int:  "-- and that you understand-- what Xena wants here."

Odi's Voice:  "Oh, I know, all right-- apples."

Int:  "Excuse me, you said apples?"

Odi's Voice:  "What are you, deaf?!  She wants the golden apples!"

Int:  "Ah-h-h, I understand-- the golden apples-- "

Int's Voice [File Footage Golden Apples]:  "-- protected by Frigga-- Odin's sister-in-law.  It is rumored-- that whomever [sic] eats the golden apples will become a god-- themselves."

Odi's Voice:  "That's right.  Xena wants to be a god-- goddess-- whatever."

Int:  "Before we get into that-- you claim to have masked your identity-- in a magic cloak of invisibility.  But isn't it true-- that only Odin himself-- knows the mystic runes-- whereby he can make himself-- invisible."

Odi's Voice:  "Damn it."

Odi:  "Look-- I don't mind if you know it's me.  I just want to appeal to all loyal Norsemen to do whatever they can to stop Xena from getting into Valhalla, and stealing the golden apples!"

Int:  "Why does she wanna steal the golden apples?"

Odi:  "So she can become a god!  Look-- she'll return Ares to Olympus [Ares God of War]-- who will in exchange-- make her his queen."

Int:  "But surely-- Ares and Xena have an adversarial history."

Odin:  "Hm-m-- you buy that, do you?  Huh?  You would.  Did you ever stop and think-- why Xena didn't kill Ares when she had a chance?  Hm-m?  It's because she's got a thing for him!  She's always had a thing for him!  So-- Xena's gonna be a god, or a goddess, or whatever.  Well-- it's not gonna happen, you hear me, Xena?!  You stay away from Valhaller [sic] or you _know_ what's gonna happen to you!  You'll never be a god, Xena!"  [Yells]



Int:  "It seems-- that we are witnessing an epic struggle here.  On the one hand-- Odin-- and his precious golden apples.  And on the other-- Xena-- seemingly determined-- to possess them for herself.  But why?  Gabrielle?  Gabrielle-- can you tell me if there's a sexual relationship going on between Ares and Xena?"

G:  "What are you doing here?!"

Int:  "Is Xena Ares' love slave?"  [Moans]


Int:  "But there was one other person-- who could shed some light on the twisted-- codependent relationship between the warrior princess and the god of-- war."

Ares' Voice:  "Go away.  I said get lost!"

Int:  "There's definitely somebody in there.  I'm gonna keep trying."

Ares's Voice:  "Whaddya want?!  I'm busy!"

Int:  "Are you Ares, the former god of war?"

Ares:  "Who wants to know?"

Int:  "We're here, asking a few questions-- about Xena.  Why does she wanna steal the golden apples?"

Ares:  "I got nothin' to say about Xena."

Int:  "Odin believes it's because-- she wants to restore you to Olympus."

Ares:  "That'd be damn nice.  [Sniffs]  As you can see, I haven't exactly got the hang of this whole mortal gig-- but let me make it straight-- Xena owes me nothing."

Int:  "According to Odin-- you and she have cut a deal-- whereby-- she will reign-- by your side-- as your queen."

Ares:  "A-ha!  A-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Xe-Xena's had plenty of opportunities to be my queen.  Frankly, the job doesn't interest her."

Int:  "Have you spoken with Xena recently?"

Ares:  "Listen, buddy-- I wasn't the only god sent down from Olympus.  Why are you buggin' _me_?"

Int:  "Are you saying that there are other gods-- who survived Xena's attack?"

X's Voice:  "Yo!  Ares!"

Int:  "Wait a minute.  Who's that?  Can I-- I-I think we should--"

Ares:  "Hey!  Hey!  Hey!"

Int [Interrupts]:  "I'm gonna go in here-- just go, um-- "

Ares:  "Hey!  This is private property!"


Int:  "Follow me.  Check it out."

Ares:  "All right!  Ya happy?!  You see what the god of war has come to?  Well, have a good look.  Laugh it up!"

X:  "Ares, what's the commo-- ?  You-- what are you doing here?"

Int:  "Xena-- I was right-- you and Ares are plotting together."

X:  "Stay out of my business, Nigel."

Int:  "Xena-- are you in love with Ares?"

Ares:  "All right, that's it!  Get out!  Get out!  Get the hell out!"

Int:  "Try and get-- "

Ares:  "No!  Get out!  You're animals!  Scavengers!  Get outta here!"


Int [Heaven]:  "Do you think Odin-- has anything to fear from Xena?"

Michael [Mic]:  "Let me put it this way-- if it were my tail feathers on the line-- I wouldn't trust Xena."

Int:  "That's not a very charitable attitude-- coming from an angel."

Mic [Archangel Michael]:  "Archangel."

Int:  "Archangel-- sorry, I-- .  [Clears throat]  Surely-- as an archangel-- you are a creature of light-- ethereal and pure.  Isn't it your job-- to believe in the essential goodness of man?"

Mic [Laughs]:  "Please-- we help mankind to strive to achieve goodness-- but we're not stupid.  Mankind has free will-- and Xena-- she exercises hers with abandon."

Int:  "Would you care to give us an example?"

Mic:  "She puts her own self-interest ahead of the greater good.  Did you know-- she risked unleashing Hell on Earth-- to protect her own daughter?"

Int:  "But then, surely, she prevented that-- by killing Mephistopheles on Earth."

Mic:  "And by doing that-- she fated _herself_ to take his place in Hell."

Int:  "Which she did not."

Mic:  "Get this-- she cast one of our own-- Archangel Lucifer-- down into Hell to take her place."

Int:  "Xena corrupted an angel?"

Mic [Voice Reverberates]:  "Archangel!  [Normal Voice]  And if she's capable of doing that-- of seducing an archangel into assuming the throne of Hell, you tell me-- who wouldn't she be willing to screw over?"

Int:  "Who indeed?  Whoa!  [Screams]  Help me!"


Int:  "Hello.  I'm here-- in Hell-- and I'm about to do-- what no other reporter has ever done before.  I'm going to interview-- Lucifer.  Excuse me, sir-- sir?  Um-- horned one?  Is it true that you are the prince of darkness?"

Lucifer [Luc]:  "What are you?"

Int:  "Please-- try not to avoid the question.  The public-- want the truth-- a portrait of the real demon behind the myth."

Luc:  "The real demon?"

Int:  "Please.  Try not to cover anything up."

Luc:  "Cover anything up?  I'm the devil, you idiot!  I'm really bad.  I'm evil incarnate.  What do I have to cover up?!"

Int:  "Right.  Y-you have a point there."

Luc:  "What are you doing here anyway?  Are you one of mine?"

Int:  "No-- no, no, no, no, no, no-- not at all.  No-- I'm part of a journalistic invistigation-- an investigation of Xena"

Luc:  "Xena!  You dare mention her name in my kingdom!"

Int:  "So-- you're-you're not a fan of the warrior princess."

Luc:  "Let me ask you something.  Do I look like a guy who enjoys his present position?  Do you think I asked for this gig?!  I used to be an archangel on the way up!  And then she came along!"

Int:  "So-- you're confirming the reports that Xena-- in order to avoid her own responsibilites in Hell-- fooled an archangel into assumsing the throne of the Underworld."

Luc:  "She'll defend herself saying my pride and ambition brought me down-- but I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her lies an deceit!"

Int:  "Then you believe the word of Xena-- is not to be trusted."

Luc:  "She's a lying sack!  I only wish I could get her down here-- mete out some serious everlasting punishment."

Int [Chuckles]:  "Well-- that's not-- an impossible dream.  Given Xena's exploits on Earth-- I'm sure that she's bought herself-- a one-way ticket-- to Hell."

Luc:  "I wish."

Int:  "Hm-m."

Luc:  "With all her do-gooding-- I fear she's escaped my wrath."

Int [Clears throat]:  "In a sense-- you're defending her character-- which, of course, is what Satan _would_ do, try to defend one of his own demons on Earth."

Luc:  "Y'know, you're a real pain.  I can't wait to get you down here."

Int [Chuckles]:  "With respect, sir-- that's not going to happen?  You see-- I'm not a murdering warlord-- no, no, no-- I'm, uh-- I'm an award-winning investigative journalist.  I'm a member of the fifth estate."

Luc:  "Like I said-- I can't wait to get my claws into _you_."

Int [Clears throat]:  "And so we-- we conclude-- a rather disturbing interview-- with the prince of darkness."


Int:  "There she is.  Follow me.  Excuse me.  Excuse me.  Are you Eve?"

Eve:  "Do you wish to join our prayer circle?"

Int:  "No, not today, thanks.  I'd like to ask you a couple of questions-- about your mother, Xena."

Eve:  "Whatever you wish to know-- my mother can answer for herself.  Excuse us."

Int:  "I-it's just a few questions.  Is Xena trying to make herself into a god?"

Eve:  "There is only one God-- the God of Eli.  He teaches us to walk the path of love."

Int:  "I see.  And does your mother-- walk the path of love?"

Eve:  "My mother respects our faith.  She would do nothing to offend it."

Int:  "Not even for Ares?"

Eve:  "What about Ares?"

Int:  "Well, Xena wants to restore him to Olympus.  She's cut a deal to rule with him at his side."

Eve:  "No-- the time of the many gods is passed."

Int:  "Then why is Xena trying to steal the golden apples?  And why is she shacked up with Ares?  Did you know that?  That's the same Ares-- that killed Eli while your mother stood by and did nothing."

Eve:  "You want to know about my mother?  I will _tell_ you about my mother!"

Int:  "Keep shooting."

Eve:  "And you little [shit]!  If my mother _is_ with Ares, you can bet she's got a pretty [f---ing] good reason!"

Int:  "Are you still jealous-- that Ares was obsessed with your mother-- the entire time he was sleeping with you?"

Eve:  "You [f---ing] brat!"

Int [Interrupts]:  "Hey, get off!  Get off me!"

Eve:  "Stay the hell away from my mother!  You stay the [f---] away from me, or I will kick your [f---ing a--]!"

Int:  "Not the kind of words you'd expect to hear, from Eve, the messenger of Eli.  Whatever happened-- to walking the path of light, Eve?!"

Eve:  "[F---] off!"

Int:  "You want your mother on Olympus, don't you?  You wanna see the god of war put back on his throne-- so that you, and Xena and Ares can continue your bloody menage a trois!  Tell m-- tell me you got that.  You got that, didn't you?  Did you get that?  You got that, huh?"


Int:  "A shocking display-- from the messenger of Eli-- but not so shocking, perhaps-- coming from the daughter-- of Xena.  For Xena provokes strong emotions among those who cross her path-- feelings of intense fear and hatred among her enemies-- and equally intense feelings of loyalty-- among her friends.  And it is perhaps-- this loyalty-- that brings the person sitting opposite me this evening-- into the studio.  Gabrielle-- thank you talking with us."

G:  "Well, you're-- welcome-- but don't thank me.  [Gabrielle Xena's Sidekick]  I'm here to tell you that you're wrong about Xena."

Int:  "Wrong in what way?"

G:  "In every way.  Xena-- you know, you make it sound like Ares and Xena have this conspiracy to try to rule the world."

Int:  "But they don't."

G:  "No.  No, Xena wants to save the world.  That's why she needs the golden apples."

Int:  "And I suppose that Ares wants to save the world also."

G:  "It's hard to explain.  He-- "

Int:  "Well, maybe it's not so hard, Gabrielle.  Maybe it's quite simple.  Maybe-- it's not Xena's lust for war that drives her-- but Xena's lust for the god of war."

G:  "Xena doesn't lust after Ares."

Int:  "Gabrielle-- kindly direct your attention to the monitor."

G:  "So they have history.  It doesn't mean anything."

Int:  "Gabrielle, isn't it possible that you're confused by your own feelings for Xena?"

G:  "By _my_ feelings for Xena."

Int:  "Come on, Gabrielle.  I know that Xena is more to you than just-- a friend."

G [Laughs]:  "OK-- you're right.  She's-- she's my best friend."

Int:  "What would you say, Gabrielle-- if I told you that not too long ago, I found your-- friend, Xena-- in a tumbledown little loveshack at the edge of town in the arms of Ares?"

G:  "Uh-- "

Int:  "How do you feel about that, Gabrielle?"

G:  "I don't _know_ how I feel."

Int:  "Tell us all the truth.  You and Xena are lovers, aren't you?  Or should I say, you _were_ lovers, until you were replace by Ares.  Gabrielle?"

G:  "I-- d-- "

Int:  "Gabrielle-- are you in love with Xena?"

G:  "I don't _love_ Xena."



Int:  "Wait-- y-you mean, y-you don't love Xena?"

Crewman's Voice:  "Hey!  It's a closed set!"

X:  "Closed set-- "

Int:  "Huh?"

X:  "-- my butt!  Get out of my way!  Gabrielle."

G:  "Xena, I was just trying to stop him from telling lies about you."

X:  "I know.  Let's go."

Int:  "N-no!  Wait!  Wait!  Xena-- are you in love with Gabrielle?"

X:  "Ya got some pair on ya, Mister."

Int:  "Hey-- I'm just doing my job."

X:  "And I'm just doin' mine."

Int:  "Oh!  Uh!"

X:  "If you've done your research, you'll know that I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain.  You got 30 seconds to listen to what I have to say.  D'ya understand?  Understand?  You wanna know, if I love Gabrielle.  Well, let me ask you a question.  Do you-- love anybody?  Do you love your wife?  Do you love your dog?  Do you love yourself?  Is there anyone in this world that you love with all your heart?  No, there isn't, is there?  Because you can't love.  None of us can.  The world has lost the greatest gift the gods ever gave us, and I'm gonna get it back.  Now, that's your story.  Y'hear me, Odin?  I'm comin' for ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!"


G:  "So, what's the plan?"

X:  "I'm goin' after Odin."

G:  "Well, there's gotta be more to it than that."

X:  "Why do you do that?"

G:  "Do what?"

X:  "Ask me to spell out the plan?!  You'd  think after all these years, you could maybe join the dots yourself."

G:  "Well, why do I have to drag it out of you?!  You know, I wish I knew the pinch.  I would force you to share your `little plan' with me."

X:  "No, no, no.  You can take the pinch off, but you're not allowed to put the pinch on."

G:  "Oh, I'm not allowed?  Oh, that's right-- I'm the sidekick.  You go ahead, Xena.  I'll walk 10 paces behind you and your horse!"

X:  "You could walk beside my horse!"

G:  "That's really big of you, Xena!"

X:  "Gabrielle, stop."

Man's Voice:  "Come on!  Move those-- !"

X:  "What's going on?  This isn't us."

G:  "We're saying things that-- people who love each other wouldn't ever say."

X:  "Yeah.  We've gotta get love back into the world, Gabrielle, and fast."

G:  "Right.  So what's the plan?"


[Norse Tavern]

Int's Voice:  "A world-- without love-- "

Int:  "-- a world-- where the skills of the-- delicious goddess-- no longer lift us to heights of almost intolerable pleasure.  Well-- anything is possible.  But surely-- but surely, the truth is-- excuse me, excuse me, I'm trying to report here-- the truth is that both Xe-- thank you-- that both Xena and Ares are [Hi-pitched] plotting [Normal Voice]-- thank you [Clears throat]-- both Xena and Ares are plotting to divert this reporter from getting to the truth.  So we've decided-- excuse me!  Excuse me!  Excuse me!  That's it!  Hands!  Hands!  Hands-- so we've decided-- to come to the one place where love is rarely in short supply."

Madam [Mad]:  "Got  a number?"

Man's Voice:  "No."

Mad:  "Did _you_ take a number?"

Int:  "Excuse me?  Over here!"

Mad:  "Excuse me."

Int:  "All right!  All right!  I know you're there!  You go after him."

2nd Man:  "Yeah."

Mad:  "Thank you."

Int:  "Hi, there.  I wonder if we might have a word."

Mad:   "Well-- what'll it be tonight?  We're running a special on a little number we call `Thor's Hammer'-- or, for a bit extra, you can get `The ride of the Valkyries.'"

Int:  "Ooh-- `Ride of the Valkyries'-- that sounds-- well, uh, business appears to be booming."

Mad [Laughs]:  "Well, look around!  My boys know where to come to dock their longboats-- ha!  If you catch my drift."  [Laughs]

Int:  "So-- you would say, then-- that there has been no sudden shortage of love in the world."

Mad:  "Oh, I didn't say that, now."

Int:  "You did say business _was_ booming."

Mad [Laughs]:  "My business has never been about love!  If these boys were looking for love-- they'd be wooing their sweethearts or at home with their wives.  The less love I have to deal with, the fatter my purse."  [Laughs]

Int:  "Interesting."

Mad:  "Calling number 27!  One Thor's Hammer!  'T'll make you feel like the god of thunder!"

Ares' Voice:  "27!  You!  I got 27!"

Int:  "Ares, the former god of war!"

Ares:  "No, I'm not!"

Int:  "Uh-- "

Ares:  "Crap!"

Int:  "-- we found Ares, the former god of war, half-naked and stinking of booze-- in a bordello!"

Ares:  "I'm tryin' to get laid!  I'm not a criminal!"

Int:  "I'm following him now.  Excuse me, I'm-- "



Int [Whispers]:  "As news-- of our investigation-- has spread-- we've been contacted-- by a source-- who claims to have some answers."

Grinhilda [Gri]'s Voice:  "Halt.  Come no further."

Int [Whispers]:  "The source.  [Gasps]  Who are you?"

Gri:  "That's not important-- but what I have to tell you is.  You're following the wrong story."

Int:  "What do you mean?"

Gri:  "Xena's trying to put a god back on Olympus, all right-- but not the one you think."

Int:  "But-- which god?"

Gri:  "You'll have to find that out for yourself.  I'm in great danger.  If Odin discovers I have betrayed him-- "

Int:  "All right.  Here's what I'll do.  I'll mention each god by name-- and then I will count-- 5 seconds.  If, within that period, you fail to respond, I'll assume the answer is yes.  Understand?"

Gri:  "5 seconds.  What-- ?"

Int [Interrupts]:  "OK--  I'm counting.  [Sighs]  Right.  Hades-- 1 hippopotamus, 2 hippopotamus, 3 hippopotamus, 4-- "

Gri:  "Forget it!  I don't have time for this!"

Int:  "Wait!  If Ares and Xena aren't conspiring, what are they doing together?"

Gri:  "This isn't about Xena and Ares.  Xena will play whatever card she needs to to get what she desires."

Int:  "What if she desires-- to be a goddess?"

Gri:  "Fool.  Xena doesn't wanna rule the world.  She wants to save it."

Int:  "How can you be so sure?"

Gri:  "Because she saved me."

Int:  "Wait!  Where do I go from here?"

Gri:  "Follow the love."

Int:  "`Follow-- the love.'  Hm-m."


Crowd [Shouting]:  "Aphrodite!"

Int:  "`Follow the love.'  A bizarre command in a world-- seemingly devoid of love-- yet something-- has brought these desperate people-- "

Aphrodite [In Background]:  "Stop it!"

Int:  "-- to this place-- in the hope that here-- they will find whatever is missing in their lives.  They, too, are responding to the unspoken command-- to follow the love.  Excuse me.  Excuse me, can I get through here, please?  Uh, media here-- media-- thank you.  Excuse me.  May I ask you a few questions?  Excuse me-- "

Aph [Interrupts]:  "I said, keep your mortal meathooks-- !  Oh, my!  What's  this?!"

Int:  "That's Aphrodite-- "

Aph:  "Hello, there.  Hey.  Get off!"


Int:  "I'm here with Aphrodite-- the former goddess of love.  [Clears Throat]  Aphrodite-- forgive me, but-- didn't you completely lose your mind after what happened with Caligula?"

Aph:  "Oh, yeah, I did-- but, Xena pulled me out of my madness and gave me back my life [Giggles]-- if you can call this Earthbound existence living-- destined to grow-- old and-- wrinkled [Sobs]-- and sagging."

Int:  "Aphrodite-- these people-- what are they all doing here?"

Aph:  "Can you see this?"

Int:  "What?"

Aph:  "This line.  How can you not see it?  My face looks like a Roman road map."

Int:  "Oh-- well-- I really can hardly even see it-- "

Aph [Gasps]:  "You can see it!"

Int:  "No-- no, uh-- Aphrodite, these people-- what is it they want?"

Aph:  "Oh!  Well-- when I left Olympus, the world was full of my love, but with me no longer there to replenish it-- it's just faded away-- squandered by-- those who failed to see how precious it was, and-- spurned by others who thought they didn't need it, and-- now it's all gone-- poof."

Int:  "Poof, indeed.  But how could we not have noticed?"

Aph:  "You mortals take love for granted.  It slipped through your fingers so subtly, no one even noticed it was gone-- except for these few who are still drawn to me from the-- last breath of love that still clings to me, but-- soon there won't even be that."

Int:  "Aphrodite-- is there nothing that you can do?"

Aph:  "As a mortal, no.  My powers are tied to Olympus, and there is no way for me to get back there.  Xena made sure of that!"

Int:  "Xena."


Aph:  [Screams]

Int:  "Gabrielle-- where's Xena?"

G:  "What are you doing here?  Aphrodite-- it's good to see you."

Int:  "Gabrielle, where's-- where's Xena?"

G:  "Will you get lost?!"

Int:  "Look, where is she?  I've got to talk to her."

G:  "You just missed her."

Beo:  "She's gone in to face Odin-- alone."

Int's Voice:  "Is she gonna kill him?"

G:  "Xena doesn't have the power to kill gods-- not anymore-- "

Int:  "Ah-h!"

[Sounds of X and Odi fighting]

G:  "-- but Odin can kill her."



[Sounds of X and Odi fighting]

Int:  "We're here, before the walls of Valhalla.  Xena entered-- just minutes ago.  You can hear the sounds of an epic struggle-- as Xena-- possibly the greatest human warrior in the history of the world-- battles with Odin-- king of the Norse gods."

Aph:  "Gabrielle, I have to say I'm glad to see you're still travelling with Xena.  I was afraid that with me away from Olympus, you two might not be so close."

G:  "No, we're-- we're partners."

Int:  "Xena, is attempting to wrestle the golden apples, from Odin.  But the question still remains-- should she succeed in getting these apples-- on whom-- will she bestow the gift-- of godhood?"

Odi's Voice:  "Oh-h-h-h-h-h!"

Int:  "Wait.  Something-- something appears to be happening inside Valhalla."

Beo:  "The day may be decided."

X:  "Down  there."

Odi:  "Oo-o-oh!"

X:  "Hurry up."

Odi:  "Oh-h!  Uh!"

G:  "Xena!  Are you all right?!"

X:  "Couldn't be better."

Beo:  "Incredible-- you have beaten Odin."

X:  "Don't rub his nose in it.  You know, you could have saved yourself a world of trouble if you just had'a _coughed_ up the fruit in the first place."

Odi:  "My pain is almost over.  Eat-- then you can destroy me and your victory will be complete."

X:  "Get a move on."

Odi:  "Ooh!"

Int:  "Xena-- Xena-- "

Odi:  "Oh-h!"

Int:  "Xena-- y-y-y-you-- you're not gonna eat that apple, are you?"

X:  "Why ever not?"

Int:  "Because you don't plan to install yourself as a goddess on Olympus.  No-- no, your plan-- is to bring love back into the world.  That apple is for Aphrodite, isn't it?"

X:  "Give this apple to Aphrodite and bring love back into the world-- that's a novel and very unselfish idea.  No, it's not something that the Xena _you_ know would do."

Int:  "Well, maybe before-- I was reporting on the wrong Xena, Xena."

X:  "Maybe-- "

Ares:  "And maybe not."

Int:  "Ares.  Xena, Xena, no-- you-you can't send Ares back to Olympus."

X:  "Now he's telling me what I can't do.  I think I can."

Ares:  "It's juicy.  Oh, here it comes.  Oh, here it comes.  Oh, yeah.  [Yells]  All right!  Yeah!"  [Laughs]

Int:  "I knew it.  You were in this for yourself all along."

Odi:  "Of course she was, you moron.  Who wouldn't wanna be a god?"

Ares:  "That's right-- who wouldn't wanna be a god?  Go ahead-- take a bite.  It's good."

G:  "Don't."

Ares:  "Hey-- there's nothing for you here.  You know, the weasel had a good idea-- become a goddess-- we could have some kicks."

X:  "Wouldn't want you to be alone on Olympus."

G:  "Xena, don't."

X:  "Aphrodite will keep you company."

Aph [Gasps]:  "Thank you, Xena.  Mm-m-m-m-m-m-- ah-h-h-h!"  [Laughs]

Beo:  "It really is good to see you again, Gabrielle."

G:  "You've got that gleam in your eye, Beowulf."

Aph:  "Mm-hm-m-m-m-- shall we leave these mortals to their business, Ares?"

Ares:  "Aphrodite gave you back the power to love.  Think about it, Xena.  Think-- of the possibilities."

X:  "Odin-- keep these someplace safe."

Ares:  "I guess you know I'll never stop trying."

X:  "I'd expect nothing less."

Aph [Chuckles]:  "Come on.  Let's go home."

Odi:  "Xena-- I've been preparing for your arrival for weeks.  How _did_ you breach our defenses?"

X:  "I cheated."

Odi:  "What?"

X:  "I had a little help from a friend."

Odi:  "Grinhilda."


Gri's Voice:  "Xena saved me, you know."

Gri [Grinhilda Valkyrie]:  "She changed me back from that horrible creature I'd become."

Int:  "This would be the-- horrible creature-- that she turned you into in the first place."

Gri:  "That was a different Xena-- the dark, evil Xena."

Int:  "Hm-m."

Gri:  "But the real Xena-- restored my human form-- and returned me to Valhalla-- and she asked me to unmake the legacy of bloodshed she herself had left for Odin's people."

Int:  "When Ares was expelled from Olympus, that must have made your job a lot easier.  Why did Xena send him back?"

X:  "You know why?  'Cause, uh-- well, you can't have love without hate.  You can't have peace without violence, and you certainly can't have forgiveness without anger.  I knew I couldn't just send Aphrodite back to Olympus without Ares.  It would have thrown the whole world out of balance."

Gri:  "It is my people's lust for living-- that makes us who we are-- the two competing forces of their-- fierceness-- and their passion that defines us.  Xena knew that.  So I sent you after Aphrodite while-- I rounded up Ares."

Int:  "Wait a minute-- you sent me after Aphrodite?"

Gri:  "`Follow the love'?"

Int:  "You're the mysterious voice in the cave?"

Gri:  "Xena wanted you out of her hair for a while.  She figured she might as well put you to work getting Aphrodite for her.  I have to go.  Odin's still pretty sore at me."

Int:  "Hm-m.  Ah."


Eve:  "We're heartily sorry for our behavior.  It isn't in our teachings.  We wandered from the path of love."

Int:  "Oh, but-but you're back on that path, now."

Eve [Chuckles]:  "Yes-- we're here to atone for our transgressions against you."

Int [Chuckles]:  "That really isn't nece-- what are you doing?  What are these?"

Eve:  "You may flagellate us, for the-- sins that we committed against you."

Int:  "No.  No, no, no.  That's all right."

Eve:  "No, we insist."

Int:  "No, really, you don't-- have to-- "

Eve:  "Do it!"


Ares:  "Do I think she did it because of how she feels about me.  [Sighs]  No-- I mean-- don't get me wrong.  I mean-- there were sparks.  I mean, you could see that, right?  Yeah.  But no-- she pretty much did it for the same reason she always does-- uh-- redeeming herself for her evil past:  [Falsetto]  `Oh, I killed so many people!'  [Normal Voice]  `The pain, the pain,' you know.  But my offer, it was genuine.  I mean, there is a place for her here.  It's not what it used to be, though.  OK, Chuckles, let's cut it!  OK?!  Outta here!  [Clears throat]  Do _not_ make me zap you!"


Int:  "Gabrielle, Xena-- I have only one more question left-- the question that Gabrielle has been avoiding-- all evening-- the question-- that has never, ever been answered.  Are you two-- lovers?"

X:  "You're asking-- "

Int:  "That's right.  I'm asking-- are you two-- lovers?"

X:  "That's none 'a your beeswax, Nigel."

G:  "OK, Xena-- you know-- you just risked everything to bring love back into the world."

X:  "So what?"

G:  "I think you should answer the question."

X:  "Oh, you do, do ya?"

G:  "Yeah."

X:  [Sighs]

Int:  "W-wait-wait.  Hold it.  Hold it.  [Clears throat]  And now, ladies and gentlemen-- a world exclusive-- for the first time anywhere-- Xena and Gabrielle-- reveal the true nature-- of their relationship.  Gabrielle-- Xena-- are you two-- lovers?"

X:  "You want the truth."

Int:  "That's right, Xena-- we want the truth-- the whole world-- wants the truth!"

X [Visual Fades Out]:  "It's like this-- technically-- "

Int's Voice:  "What?  What?"


Int's Voice:  "It's dead?!  The battery-- ?!  This is the world's greatest story and you're telling me the battery is dead?!  I don't believe this!  Oh, man!"


Click here to return to the YOU ARE THERE page.

Guide Table of ContentsBack to Whoosh!