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“Let the Games Begin” Episode 29/216 [TEASER] H: “So senseless. When will they ever learn?” Elean Soldier’s Voice: “Take that, you Spartan dog!” [Etc.] [Fight] H: “No more fighting! I said, no more fighting! What’s wrong with you people?! Enough already!” Damon: “You’re either with us or against us!” H: “I’m not _with_ anybody! But I am against fighting.” Brontus [Bron]: “Then you must be a coward!” H: “Actually-- I’m Hercules.” Soldier’s Voice: “He’s Hercules?!” H: “Now, that’s what I call being a coward. Well, my friend, when you wake up, you are gonna have one, big headache.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Good afternoon.” Damon: “Are you still here?” H: “Just wanted to make sure you woke up. You got hit pretty hard back there.” Damon: “Ah, feels like somebody dropped the Parthenon on my head.” H: “Here-- have some water.” Damon: “Who are you, really?” H: “I already-- told you.” Damon: “Uh-uh. Nobody stays impartial in this war-- especially not Hercules. He always helps the Spartans.” H: “I only help those who need help-- and are worthy of it.” Damon: “Yeah, right. Ah!” H: “Come on. We gotta get you someplace to have somebody look at those wounds.” Damon: “What do you mean, ‘We’?” H: “Wanna ask me that again? I didn’t think so. Now-- where are we going?” Damon: “Propontus.” H: “Ah, that’s a half-day’s walk. Think you can make it?” Damon: “I can make it.” H: “Good. Have a name?” Damon: “Damon.” H: “Well, Damon-- let’s be on our way.” Damon: “I’m comin’ back here. You can count on that.” H: “Uh-huh.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Man: “Ah, that’s nice. How about that one? That one.” Damon: “When I find that Elean that blindsided me-- I’m gonna tear his lungs out. Ahh.” A Man: “Ooh-- feeling pain, Son?” Damon: “What are _you_ starin’ at?! I don’t need your sympathy! No Spartan does.” H: “Right-- I forgot.” Damon: “You can stop pretending you’re Hercules, now. This is it. My aunt should be here. She’s-- sort of a homebody.” H: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t you stay put? I’ll see if she’s here.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Hello? Hello, is anybody home? Huh-- place seems deserted. Whoa! Whoo, hey! Hey! Hey!” Atalanta [Ata]: “Hey, Herc?!” H: “Atalanta?” Ata: “Lookin’ good! Whoo!” H: “Thanks.” Ata: “Whatcha been doin’?” H: “Oh, I’m just, uh, hangin’ around.” Ata: “How’s your mom?” H: “Atalanta?” Ata: “Yeah? Hera been givin’ you a hard time?” H: “At-Atalanta.” Ata: “What?” H: “Could you, uh-- put me down, please?” Ata: Oh, sorry.” H: “Thank you.” Ata: “Yeah.” H: “You’re an aunt?” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- [ACT I] Damon: “What’d he try to do?!” Ata: “You don’t want any part of him, Damon. This is Hercules.” Damon: “He-he told me the same lie.” Ata: “Oh, he wasn’t lyin’. We’re old friends.” H: “It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?” Damon: “Oh, I feel stu-- .” Ata: “Damon!” H: “He got hit hard enough to loosen his teeth-- but he’ll survive.” Ata: “It was the Eleans again, wasn’t it?” H: “Yeah.” Ata: “Foolish kid. Better get him to bed.” H: “Here-- let me give ya a hand.” Ata: “Uh-uh-- that’s my department. But stick around. We need to talk.” H: “Hmm-- I know better than to argue with you-- Aunt Atalanta. ‘Aunt’.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “What’s so funny?” Ata: “As soon as Damon hit the bed, he started talkin’ in his sleep. He kept saying, ‘I can’t believe it’s Hercules!’” H: “I’m glad he took _your_ word for it. He sure wasn’t gonna take mine.” Ata: “To tell ya the truth, he usually doesn’t put that much stock in what I say. See, he thinks his aunt leads a dull life.” H: “Do you agree?” Ata: “Yeah-- I’m afraid so. My life has been as boring as cold porridge since I came here.” H: “That-- doesn’t sound like you. Come to think of it, this-- doesn’t look like you, either.” Ata: “Afraid I haven’t been much in the mood to wear leather since Damon’s mother died. I thought he needed someone to take care of him, so-- I moved here.” H: “His father die, too?” Ata: “Yeah. My older brother-- another Spartan gone to the other side. Every time I visit his grave, I can’t help but think Damon’s bound and determined to wind up right there next to him.” H: “Not all warriors die.” Ata: “But Damon doesn’t care about anything except fighting. It’s not just his father’s death he’s trying to avenge. It’s the death of every Spartan who ever fell on a battlefield. Someone’s gotta stop this war.” H: “A lot of good men have tried.” Ata: “But always by fighting. I’m talkin’ about something else.” H: “I agree. There has to be a better way.” Ata: “Maybe you’re the one who can find it.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Tarkon [Tark]: “I don’t care if it _was_ Hercules! Which of you ran first? Nobody ran-- is that what your silence is saying? Then you’re a pack of spineless liars. Tell me who it was, or you’ll all pay for his cowardice.” Elean Soldier: “It was him!” An Elean Soldier: “Blow it out your ear!” Elean Soldier: “Easy to talk tough now!” An Elean Soldier: “You’re crazy!” Elean Soldier: “You saw him, didn’t you, Brontus? He ran like a rabbit as soon as he heard Hercules’ name.” An Elean Soldier: “It wasn’t me! No, Tarkon-- it-- wasn’t me. I-I swear it wasn’t.” Elean Soldier: “He’s a liar!” An Elean Soldier: “No!” Tark: “There, that’s how cowards are dealt with in the Elean army. As for those-- who betray their comrades’ secrets-- no matter how terrible-- ” Elean Soldier: [Screams] Tark: “-- they die, too. The rest of you should learn to keep your own counsel-- the way Brontus did. From this moment forward-- everything you do-- everything-- must be about-- pleasing Ares. The god of war was _angered_ by your-- failure today. There’s only one way to appease that anger-- by killing Hercules.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Woman: “Two dinars?! For a handful of barley and a stinkin’ chicken?!” Man: “The only thing that stinks around here is _you_, ya old hag!” Woman: “Oh, ‘hag’, am I? Just because I won’t let you steal me blind!” Man: “Hag!” Woman: “Thief! What do you want me to do?! Eat my children?!” H: “Hey! Break it up! Break it up!” A Man: “Mind your own business!” H: “What’s wrong with you people?! Is that all this village does is fight?! Why don’t you talk about it, instead of beating each other senseless?” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Boy 1’s Voice: “You’re not listening to me!” Boy 2’s Voice: “Yes I am! And _I’m_ better than you!” Boy 1’s Voice: “You are not!” Boy 2’s Voice: “I am so! I’ll prove it!” Boy 2: “I’ll race you to that big tree over there. And then you’ll see that I’m faster than you. Come on! I’ll even let you say when.” Boy 1: “OK. Ready. Set. Go!” Boy’s Voice: “We tied!” H: “That’s it.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Woman’s Voice: “Here you go.” Ata: “Races? Like, you and me-- running to see who’s fastest?” H: “Right, but there could be more events than that. You could throw the javelin or the discus, and-- how about some kind jumping contest?” Ata: “Nobody gets killed.” H: “No-- it’s speed and strength that determines the best warriors, not swords.” Ata: “I think that sounds great, Hercules. How’d you ever come up with an idea like that?” H: “I saw two kids who were smart enough to realize that they didn’t have to fight to decide who was faster. They raced.” Damon: “Kids?” H: “Mm-hmm.” Ata: “Don’t knock ‘em, Damon. You’re still one, yourself.” Damon: “That’s not what the Spartans say.” Ata: “Oh, right, you’re a Spartan-- but you’re a young one.” Damon: “I don’t hafta listen to this!” H: “Try. It might save your life.” Damon: “I’m not afraid of dying.” H: “Not many warriors are until they’re actually doing it. But you can postpone the experience if you do what I’m talking about.” Ata: “I think he’s afraid of being tested physically. What do you think?” H: “It’s a possibility.” Damon: “Hey, what do you want me to do?! Just name it-- anything at all?” H and Ata: “Anything?” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Damon: “I can’t arm-wrestle you. You’re my aunt.” Ata: “Sit.” Damon: “Hercules, will you talk some sense into her? She’s gotta realize that no mere woman can beat a Spartan.” H: “Ah-- good luck.” Ata: “Sit down.” Damon: “This is crazy.” H: “You ready?” Ata: “Just one second.” Damon: “Aunt Atalanta?” Ata: “Put your eyes back in your head and listen to me. If I beat you, you’re gonna quit acting like you’ve got a death wish-- and you’re gonna compete in these games Hercules thought up. Can you live with that? Well, Damon, can you?” H: “Uh-- Damon?” Damon: “Huh? Uh-- sss-- you want it? You got it.” H: “All right. You both ready?” Damon: “Say when.” H: “‘When.’” Damon: “Ah. How’d you do that?” Ata: “Didn’t spend all those years as a blacksmith for nothin’. Now, about Hercules’ idea.” Damon: “Ah-- sure-- just as long as I get to race you sometime.” H: “Is there a place around here for that?” Ata: “Yeah. Let me show ya. Come on. Oh, uh-- Damon? Don’t worry about it. I even beat Hercules once. Of course, I did have to use more than my arm.” H [Chuckles]: “I, uh-- I’ll ex-- plain that to you later.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Ata: “I really don’t like this man we’re going to see.” H: “Maybe I should have come here by myself.” Ata: “No, it’s not that. He’s just so strange.” H: “Strange?” Ata: “Well, let me put it this way. He keeps tryin’ to look up my skirt.” H: “What’s so-- strange about that?” Ata [Laughing]: “Hercules!” H [Laughs]: “It’s-- it’s a joke! It’s a joke!” Ata: “Don’t you start with me! Gosh! Hey, Psoriasis, are you home?” H: “Psoriasis?” Salmoneus’ [Sal’s] Voice: “Who is it?” Ata: “Wait until you see-- it’s Atalanta.” Sal’s Voice: “Oh, yes! Coming, my dear-- coming. Ah, oh-- what a mess! Where’d that rock come from?! Be right there!” H: “Salmoneus?” Sal: “Shh! Shh! Someone might be watching! Come on! Come on!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- [ACT II] Sal: “Come on. Come on. I can explain everything. Trust me.” H: “Ah-- trust isn’t something you inspire, Salmoneus.” Sal: “Yeah-- be that as it may, an alias is sometimes necessary in my line of work.” H: “He’s a-- travelling salesman.” Ata: “I knew I couldn’t trust him.” Sal: “I’m so misunderstood! In matters of the heart, I am loyal, dependable-- and very inventive. And may I say, you’ve never looked lovelier, my dear?” Ata: “Why don’t we just stick to business?” Sal: “Huh?” H: “Business?” Sal: “Oh. [Clears throat] Well-- I was on the Argean Peninsula, conductng games of chance-- you know, the shell game? And the locals couldn’t find the shell with the pea under it-- repeatedly. They thought I was tryin’ to cheat them.” H: “Imagine that.” Sal: “They didn’t just run me out of town. They’re still looking for me, which is why I’m hiding here on my brother-in-law’s estate.” H: “W-wait-- the same brother-in-law who ran that den of inequity?” Sal: “You remembered him? He’d be flattered.” H: “He shouldn’t be.” Ata: “Look, Psoriasis.” Sal: “Salmoneus.” Ata: “Whatever. Why don’t you just show Hercules the place?” Sal: “What place?” Ata: “Open field. He wants to put it to good use.” Sal: “Oh, that place! My pleasure. Did I mention that your golden gorgeousness makes my teeth hurt? Ahh!” Ata: “He never quits.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “This is perfect-- ‘mean, for running and-- jumping-- throwing the discus and the javelin. Huh-- I can’t believe no one’s ever found a use for such a beautiful place.” Ata: “The gods probably thought this would never be anything except a battlefield.” Sal: “It’s very inspiring, huh?” H: “Yeah.” Sal: “Now, if there’s a way to make a dinar here, I’m all for it.” H: “I’m-- sorry, Salmoneus. This is a strictly nonprofit event.” Sal: “Nonprofit?!” H: “Mmm.” Sal: “Nonpr-- uh, uh, excuse me. No, no, no-- I-I think I deserve to have a return-- for my labor invested? Don’t you agree?” Ata: “Uh-uh, I’m not part of anybody’s bargain.” Sal: “Just a thought.” H: “What do you think we should call these games?” Sal: “Give me a moment. ‘The Samoneus Games’! No, no, we can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ve got those sore losers back there after me. No. No, no. We should call it-- we should call it-- the Olympics. Huh? It’s majestic. It’s-it’s evocative. It’s-- it’s _Olympian_-- unless this brings up your family troubles.” H: “No. I like it. ‘The Olympics.’” Ata: “I can’t believe you were finally good for somethin’.” Sal: “Oh, I’m good for so many things.” H: “Ah-- now that we’ve got something to offer them, I better go find out what the Spartans and Eleans think of it. Salmoneus? Don’t-- do anything that’ll make Atalanta hurt you-- OK?” Sal: “Hmm-- I should be so lucky. Ah!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- 2nd-in-Command: “It’s our way of life that Hercules is threatening. We’ll spill no more blood unless we do something soon.” Tark: “Soon, yeah, but not before we-- ” Bron: “Tarkon. Our scouts tell us that Hercules is still in Propontus.” Tark: “They better know _why_ he’s staying, or they aren’t doing us much good.” Bron: “There’s talk of a woman.” 2nd-in-Command: “Then he’s distracted. We should appeal to Ares for a weapon that’ll finish Hercules once and for all.” Tark: “No. I don’t want the god of war thinking we can’t take care of business by ourselves.” Bron: “I’m not afraid of Hercules. Even when those with me were running away, I stayed to strike one last blow against the Spartans.” Tark: “You were the last man back here. I’ll grant you that.” Bron: “And I’ll be the first to attack ‘em.” Tark: “The first-- of many. Brontus-- find out wht Hercules is up to. Come.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Hello, Taphius.” Taphius [Taph]: “Been a long time, Hercules.” H: “The battle of Dardania, if memory serves me.” Taph: “And I have the scars to prove it.” Damon: “See, Hercules? That’s how I want to live-- the hot blood of combat surging through my veins.” H: “Sometimes, a man’s only choice is to fight. That doesn’t mean he should make a living out of it.” Taph: “He’s right, Damon.” Damon: “What about all the times you said that you wish you were a young warrior, again?” Taph: “It was my _youth_ I wanted back! Not the battles I spent it on.” Damon: “I could _never_ believe that.” Taph: “Well, you should. Now, what’s this proposition he’s talkin’ about?” H: “The Olympics.” Taph: “Olympics?” H: “Games-- simple sporting events, uh-- a running race; contests for jumping-- and throwing the discus and the javelin; and to make sure that young Damon doesn’t get bored-- a boxing match.” Taph: “A warrior would always be ready to fight if he trained to do those things.” H: “Uh, yes, and it might help slow down the fighting-- even stop it.” Taph: “I hope I live to see the day.” Damon: “Have you been to see Tarkon, yet?” H: “He’s next on my list.” Damon: “Let me go with you, Hercules. I can help you convince him.” H: “I don’t think so, Damon. I want Tarkon to come to the Olympics in one piece.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Sal: “You should slow down, my heart’s delight! I have so much to contribute!” Ata: “Yeah, it’s certainly not muscle.” Sal: “Ha-ha! Ya got me there. But I have a beautiful mind-- and a fertile one, too!” Ata: “OK-- thrill me.” Sal: “Huh?! Here?” Ata: “You’re time’s almost up, Phlebitis.” Sal: “Salmoneus. Give me a moment. Give me a moment. Ooh, ooh, ooh! I know what the Olympics need! Prizes! Ya gotta give the winners a reward-- something to hold on to-- something to put on their mantelpiece-- something to pass to their golden-haired children. They need-- it’s too bad I don’t have that treasure trove. That would’ve been perfect-- I mean, top-of-the-line stuff.” Ata: “Trinkets don’t impress me.” Sal: “They don’t?” Ata: “Uh-uh. If you ask me-- I think a wreath of olive branches is all we need for each winner. Huh.” Sal: “I could do olive wreaths!” Ata: “Prove it.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Tark: “The best place to strike would be here-- where the tree-line provides natural-- ” Bron: “Tarkon!” Tark: “I said, ‘No interruptions!’” Bron: “But he’s here!” Tark: “Who’s here?” Bron: “Hercules!” Tark: “In our camp?! And no one alerted us?! What were our guards doing?!” Bron: “Well-- that’s the problem!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Soldier: “How d’ya get out of this thing?!” H: “I, uh-- tried to tell ‘em I was just here to talk, but they didn’t wanna believe me.” Tark: “They have no reason to trust you, Hercules. You fought for the Spartans more than once.” H: “Do you see any Spartans with me now?” Tark: “Maybe you think you don’t need any.” H: “I’ve come to ask you and your men-- to compete in the Olympic Games.” Tark: “Games?” H: “Yes.” Tark: “The son of Zeus-- wants us to play games?!” H: “Glad I could cheer you up.” Tark: “You want games, Hercules? One hundred dinars-- to the man who brings me his head!” [Fight] Soldiers’ Voices: “Let’s get him!” “The reward is mine!” “My turn!” H: “That-- was-- cheap.” Tark: “What’s wrong with you?! I said, ‘Kill him!’” H: “Your turn, Tarkon.” Tark: “What are you gonna do?” H: “What I came here to do-- invite you to the Olympics. We’ll see you tomorrow in Propontus. High noon. Unless, of course, you’re afraid of a little athletic competition.” Tark: “This’ll be your final game, Hercules.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- [ACT III] Sal: “How does it look?” Ata: “Hmm-- not as good as it’s gonna look on a champion. And you better have more than one of them.” Sal: “Have no fear, radiant Atalanta. My motto is, ‘Ta [sic] every victor, an olive wreath.’” Ata [Laughs]: “Good work, Salmoneus. I better start keeping you closer to me.” Sal: “You mean it?” Ata: “Yeah, absolutely. Look, my nephew and his friends are going on a little outing with me? Why don’tcha come along?” Sal: “Lead the way, golden muse. Lead the way.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Man’s Voice: “Good, good.” Ata: “All right, hang on. Come on. We’re gettin’ there.” Sal: “Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait, wait a s- wait a second! [Continues in background] Hey. Stay there! Don’t move! Wait a second! Wait! Hold!” H: “Salmoneus working? Must be love.” Sal: “Wait a sec-- ! Wait! Wait a sec-- ! See, I don’t think these poles are gonna work. I have a better idea. Wh-- heyyyyy! Heyyyyy! It’s no problem! I’ll be right out! Let me just find the exit for a moment. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait, it’s around here, somewhere. Wait a second.” Ata: “Come on, Gingivitis.” Sal: “Ah. Uh. I really didn’t need any help. But thank you, my beautiful, golden-- Hercules?” H [Chuckles]: “Is everything all right, Salmoneus?” Sal: “What makes you think it’s not?” Ata: “How’d it go with the Eleans?” H: “Well, it-- wasn’t easy, but, they’ll be here.” Damon: “Yeah, they’ll be getting a different kind of beating than they’ve been used to.” H: “Damon, you-- better go tell Taphius we’re gonna have some company.” Ata: “Hey, we’re not finished here, yet.” H: “No, no. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’ll help. It’s all right. Go on. So-- where would you like me to start?” Ata: “Is that a trick question?” Sal: “Ohhhh.” H: “Whoo.” Sal: “Hey! Hey! This is how you’re helping?!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Tark [Screaming heard in background]: “I come to you, not in shame, oh mighty Ares-- for we have served you well. The blood we have spilled-- has nourished your crusade to bring war to every corner of the Earth! And never have we asked for help or adulation! But the time at hand-- calls for special measures. Hercuels is close by. Hercules, who stands between you and domination. Hercules, who can be defeated-- only if you intervene-- with the power that you, and you alone, can provide! Ares-- I beseech you-- help us kill Hercules! Help preserve a way of life that is devoted to war! Yes!” 2nd-in-Command: “Is Ares still with us?” Tark: “Yes, indeed. So, drink. Those of you who have marched with me the longest-- come-- drink! And you will be strong again!” Warriors: [Scream] Tark: “Behold, the power of Ares.” Bron: “I’ve never seen anything like them.” Tark: “Tomorrow morning-- they’ll be killing-- while you’re playing. The birth of the Olympics-- will be the death of Hercules.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Sal [Whistling]: “Help! Whoa! Herc!” 1st Man: “Remember us?!” 2nd Man: “Let him talk. But if you do it too loudly-- I’ll gut you like a fish.” Sal: “How you doin, fellas? Everything all right on the Argean Peninsula?” 2nd Man: “Everything except our finances!” Sal: “Oh, that.” Ata: “Hey! Get your filthy paws off him.” 2nd Man: “But he cheated us out of our money!” Ata: “Did you?” Sal: “Ah! The odds are always with the house.” Ata: “Salmoneus.” Sal: “I didn’t cheat them, exactly. I mean, it’s called, ‘The shell game’, you know?” Ata: “Give it back to them.” Sal: “Ha?” Ata: “Now!” Sal: “Ah. Only because you’re beautiful when you’re angry.” Ata: “Everything there?” 2nd Man: “Yeah.” Ata: “Good. Now, go back where you came from. I’ve got no use for anyone who pulls a knife on people. Scat!” Sal: “You saved my life!” Ata: “Yeah, you’re gonna make me regret it, aren’t you?” Sal: “Please, let me repay you with a kiss. Hmm?” Ata: “Ha.” Sal: “Whoaaaaa!” Ata: “Guess again.” Sal: “I love that woman! Hmmmmmmm!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Ata: “You don’t have to sleep here.” H: “Huh. Hi, how are you?” Ata: “Did you hear what I said?” H: “Oh, yes, but-- this is as good a place as any for me to spend the night.” Ata: “Better than with me?” H: “Uh-oh.” Ata: “Give it a chance, Hercules. You might enjoy yourself.” H: “What? Yeah, yeah. But-- you know? I-- ” Ata: “Come on. What do you say?” H: “It’s-- you know, I just, um-- you know-- you know, it’s just-- doesn’t seem right. Wait a second.” Ata: “Oooh, Hercules.” H: “I’m, uh-- I’m hoping for the best with these games, but-- you never know un-- til you know. You know?” Ata: “Afraid I do. But my offer still stands.” H [Chuckles]: “I, I-I-I hope I didn’t insult you.” Ata: “How could you? You’re so _cute_ when you’re nervous.” H [Chuckles]: “Good night.” Ata: “Good night, Hercules.” H: “What is-- wrong with you? Ah.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Sal: “Why can’t just one beautiful woman want me? Hercules needs a more spiritual-type woman. I can use a lot a’ raw physicality to get me outta my head. I’d massage her with scented oils. I’d pay attention to her beautiful sh-- ah! Hey! Hey! What do you-- thi-- ?! Eee! Ah-- you here for the javelin spotting? I see. It’s been very nice-- it-it-- short but nasty.” 2nd-in-Command: “Oh, this is gonna be good.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- [ACT IV] H: “Salmoneus.” Sal: “Ahhhh!” H: “We need to find a-- symbol for these games.” Sal: “I agree.” Falafel [Fal]: “Hey! Red hots! Get your red hots-- right here!” H: “Not-- you again. Do you have a home?” Fal: “Do your taste buds a favor, buddy. Sink your teeth-- into a red hot.” Sal: “Eh-- it kinda looks like-- ” H: “Never mind what it looks like. What is it?” Fal: “A hot dog.” H and Sal: “Dog?” Fal: “Uh, not necessarily. Eh-- come on. Try one. You might like it. Little mustard. Some relish?” H: “Noooo, thanks.” Fal: “Got your curiosity up, didn’t I? Perhaps you’d like your dog with a-- a little sauerkraut, hmm?” Sal: “Eh-- Not necessarily. Actually-- I’m more interested in your torch, there.” Fal: “That’s not a torch.” Sal: “Use your imagination. Thank you.” [Shudders] ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Ladies and gentlemen! Could I have your attention, please?! Welcome to the first Olympics. I hope you discover the spirit of the games-- that there are other ways for men to compete-- than on the battlefields. [Applause] I salute the Spartans-- for being brave enough to set aside their weapons-- and participate in these events. And equally to the Eleans-- who had the courage to honor us, by doing the same. [Applause] We’re about to find out who is the best among them in five different athletic events. So-- good luck to everybody. And now-- ” Sal: “Wait a minute! Hold it! Hold it! We can’t start-- without the Olympic torch.” Audience: “Yeah.” “What?” “What?” H: “Ah-- what do you mean, it-- Olympic torch?” Sal: “Wait till you see it. [Whistles] Now-- as you were saying, Hercules?” H: “The Olympic torch. Good idea, Salmoneus. [High five] Let the games begin!” [Applause] ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Spotter: “22, 21, 20, 19, 18-- A hundred seventeen and 6!” Bron: “Beat that.” Damon: “No problem.” Spotter: “Dead even!” Sal’s Voice: “Ho! It’s a tie! It’s a tie!” Sal: “Unless Hercules wants to step in, and-- ?” H: “No, that’s-- not why I’m here.” Ata: “Then I guess it’s up to me.” Bron: “No woman’s got any business in the Olympics.” H: “The Olympics are open to anybody. You ready, Atalanta?” Ata: “I was born ready.” Sal: [Whistles] Spotter: “127 and one-quarter!” Man’s Voice: “Incredible!” Ata: “Good enough for you?” H: “Ah-- yes. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first Olympic champion. The winner-- in the javelin throw-- Atalanta!” [Applause] Sal: “What a woman.” Ata: “And I owe it all to clean living!” [Applause] H: “All right! On to our next event-- the footrace!” Sal: “It’s in the dell!” H: “You-- going to try your luck?” Ata: “Do you need to ask?” H: “Probably not.” Bron: “I-I don’t believe it. Who is she?” Damon: “She’s my aunt.” Bron: “Really? [Sighs] If all your women are that strong, it’s no wonder we had such a hard time fighting you Spartans.” Tark: “Don’t go soft on me, Brontus.” Bron: “I’m not. I’m not. It’s just-- ” Tark: “Just what?” Bron: “Everybody seems to be getting on fine. Maybe we should try and work it out.” Tark [Interrupting]: “Shut up. Everything’s gonna go exactly as I planned it. Or else, it’s not just my wrath you’ll feel. It’s Ares!” Ata: “Hey, Hercules.” H: “Hmm?” Ata: “I didn’t get a chance to thank you back there.” H: “For what?” Ata: “For not caving in when that Elean warrior wanted to make this ‘Boys only’.” H: “Ahh-- it wouldn’t have been right if we had done the Olympics that way. I was just-- trying to be fair.” Ata: “Well, not every man would have-- and I appreciate that. Thank you.” H: “You’re welcome.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “The first runner, to reach Salmoneus, is, the winner!” Sal: “Yah! Right here!” H: “Try not to let that scare you.” Damon: “Only thing I’m scared of is beating this guy so bad that he quits.” Bron: “In your dreams.” Ata: “Hey, you’re both gonna eat my dust.” H: “Hey, it sounds to me like everybody’s ready. Runners? Take your places at the starting line.” Ata: “Are you sure you don’t want to join us, Hercules?” H: “Aah-- that’s all right, thank you.” Man’s Voice: “Good luck!” H: “OK! On your marks! Get set! Go!” H: “What the-- ?” Tark: “A little surpirise for you, Hercules.” Sal: “Huh?” Man’s Voice: “Watch out!” Sal: “Hercules!” H: “Mesomorphs.” Tark: “Ares sent them especially for you. Eleans, attack!” [Fight] Taph: “We’ll take care of things on this end, Hercules!” Soldiers’ Voices: “You traitor!” “You sissy!” “I’ll get you!” “Try me!” “Coward!” Ata: “You really are fast, aren’t you?” H: “Only as fast as I have to be. Ahhhhhh!” Sal: “Don’t get nasty with my friends! You’re a walking hairball!” Damon: “So, you got what you wanted! Didn’t you?!” Bron: “Tarkon did. I didn’t. All I wanted was to do is apologize for hitting you when your head was turned. Duck! Do you believe me now?” Damon: “Yes, I do-- friend.” Sal: “Be careful! He’s got something the [?] got out! [?] Hercules! Hercules! What can I do for ya, please?!” H: “Get the torch!” Sal: “What?!” H: “Get the torch!” Sal: “What?” H: “Get-- the-- torch!” Sal: “The torch! Right!” [More fighting] Sal: “Hercules! The torch! Ahhh!” Ata: “Come on! Get up! Up!” Sal: “Uh-uh-uh.” Ata: “Let’s go! Come on!” Sal: “Hercules?! Where you going?!” Ata: “Hey, the fight’s back here!” H: “But the way to win it is over here! Hyaaa!” Sal: [Laughs] ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Now-- where were we, before we were so rudely interrupted?” Ata: “We had a race to finish.” Bron: “And three events after that.” Sal: “And none of this could have continued-- without Hercules. Yes. Yes. What you did today-- it was-- it wa-- it was ‘Herculean’.” H: “Why don’t we call it-- ‘Olympian’ instead?” Sal: [Chuckles] Ata: “Either way, it gets you a kiss, big guy.” H: “Hmm?” Damon: “You see how Spartan women are? You’re gonna like it around here.” Ata: “Aw-- you weren’t so bad, either. Now-- which way was that starting line?” Sal: “Huh?” H: “_That_-- is what I call-- ‘Olympian’.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------
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