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TRANSCRIPTION OF HTLJ
THE APPLE



“The Apple”  Episode 30/217

[TEASER]

I’s Voice:  “A-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Whoo-hoo-hoo!  All right!  Hey,
Herc!  Herc!  Look at this!  A-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Hercules!”

I:  “Whoo-hoo-hoo!”

I’s Voice:  “Whoo-hoo-hoo!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!”

I:  “Whoo-hoo!  Ha!  Look at this!  Ha!  Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-hoo!  A-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Ya-hoo!  Hey, Herc!  Did
you see that?!  It was fantastic!  I mean-- I was actually
riding the wave!”

H:  “Yeah, it was amazing.  You woke me up, just to show me
that?”

I:  “Yeah!  It was great!  I mean-- this is gonna-- I mean,
people are gonna wanna do this!  This is really good!”

H [Interrupting]:  “Io-- Iolaus-- you rode a piece of wood-- on
a wave.  I mean-- ”

I:  “Yeah!”

H:  “-- you really think this is gonna catch on and become
popular?”

I:  “Well, I-I-- ”

H:  “I mean, really?”  [Chuckles]

I:  “Uh-- uh, I guess not, I-- ”

H:  “Well, now that I’m-- awake-- we probably should get going.
I told King Sidon we’d be there in time for lunch.”

I:  “You know what?  I-- I’ve got a really great feeling about
this place.  I wanna stay here and do some fishing.”

H:  “What about the wedding?”

I:  “Well-- it’s not for a couple of days.  And anyway, they’re
your friends.  I mean, I _hardly_ know them!”

H:  “All right.  I suppose one of us should have some fun.”
[They laugh.]

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H:  “I never thought I’d be glad to see Syros or Delos again.”

I:  “How can two kingdoms hate each other so much for so long?”

H:  “Hate’s like anything else.  After awhile, it becomes a
habit.”

I:  “Oh.  You really think this marriage is gonna bring peace?”

H:  “Well, let’s hope so.  It’ll be nice to be a guest for once,
instead of a referee.  You, uh-- sure you don’t wanna come?”

I:  “Oh, yeah.”

H:  “You know, there’s that lunch and then-- tomorrow’s the
dinner with the groom, and-- ”

I [Interrupting]:  “Herc.”

H:  “Yeah.  Well-- I’m off.”

I:  “Bye.”

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H:  “Thank you.”

Sidon:  “Hercules-- in the name of our great goddess, Artemis--
welcome.  Welcome to Syros.”

H:  “King Sidon, I didn’t expect such a, uh-- royal reception.”

Sidon:  “Well, it’s only fitting.  If it hadn’t been for you--
all of this wouldn’t have been possible.”

H:  “Aw-- thanks-- but-- Thera and Epius fell in love on their
own.”

Sidon:  “Now, you are too modest.  If you hadn’t taught me-- the
value of forgiveness-- I would’a destroyed Delos years ago.”

H:  “As I recall, you tried several times.”

Sidon:  “Ancient history, ancient history.  No, my only interest
now-- is my daughter’s happiness-- even if it does mean with, uh
[Clears throat]-- one of those.”

Diadorus [Dia]:  “Hercules!”

Sidon:  “Speaking of which.”

H:  “King Diadorus-- it’s good to see you.”

Dia:  “No one told me you were here.”

Sidon:  “Nobody wanted to wake you.”

Dia:  “Ah, well.  Ah-- something’s not right.  Yes.  That’s
better.  Thanks for coming.  My son’s wedding wouldn’t have been
the same without you-- although-- in the name of Athena, you’d
have got a better greeting on Delos.”  [Chuckles]

Sidon:  “Wha-wha-uh, sorry, what did you say?”

Dia:  “Uh, nothing, I said, uh-- uh, it’s good meeting here on
Syros.”

Epius [Ep]:  “Are you gonna stand there talkin’ to those two old
fools all day, or are you gonna come and say hello to the bride
and groom?”

H:  “Thera.”

Thera:  “Hercules-- I’m so glad you could make it.”

H:  “Ohhh-- you look-- beautiful.”

Ep:  “Good to see you, Hercules.”

H:  “You too, Epius-- you’re a lucky man.”

Thera:  “Are these two behaving themselves?”

H:  “That may take a little time.  The important thing is that
you two-- love each other-- and-- with this marriage and the
treaty-- it’s the dawn of a new age.  To peace.”

All:  “To peace.”

Dia:  “To-- ”

Sidon:  “To-- well-- ”

Dia:  “-- the kids!”

Sidon:  “The kids.”

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I:  “What am I doin’?  There’s no fish here!  [Sighs]  You got
special bait?  Ah.  Should’ve gone to _that_ stupid wedding.
Wh-- whoa!  Whoaaaaa!  Huh?!  Huh?!  Huh?!  Huh?!  [Laughs]
Huh?!  Wow!  What-- in the name of Poseidon?!  Come on!  I
gotcha!  I gotcha!  Ah!  Ah!  Ooh!”

Aphrodite [Aph]:  [Yawns]

Man’s Voice:  “Oh, baby.”

Aphrodite [Aph]:  “Huh!  Tubular!”  [Laughs]

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[ACT I]

I:  “Oh.  Aphrodite?”

Aph:  “How could you tell?”

I:  “A-ha-- uh.  J-just a wild guess?”

Aph:  “Break’s better at Calydon.  But the guys are cuter here.”

Artemis [Art]:  “‘The guys are cuter.’  Give me a break.”

Athena [Ath]:  “What a bimbo.”

Man [Swoons]:  “No!”

I:  “So, uh-- i-if you’re-- Aphrodite-- you must be-- ”

Ath:  “Athena.”

Art:  “Artemis.”

I:  “Is this a dream?”

Aph:  “A competition-- which I intend to win.”

Aph:  [Laughs]

I:  “What kinda competition?”

Ath:  “For lack of a less gender-biased expression-- a beauty
contest.”

Aph:  “Winner takes all-- which means me.”

I:  “Why bother?!  I mean, you’re all-- gorgeous.”

Ath:  “Sibling rivalry, fostered by a capricious-- inattentive
father.”

Art:  “We each have our own strengths.  She’s a nerd.  I’m a
jock.  But ‘Miss Airhead’ can’t leave well enough alone.”

Ath:  “Aphrodite knows that all Zeus cares about is physical
beauty-- so she struts in-- and asks him to pick the most
beautiful goddess on Olympus.”

Art:  “He doesn’t like to be cornered-- so he suggested we come
down and find a mortal to decide the winner.”

I:  “Yeah, well, that makes sense.  Uh-- what’s that got to do
with me?”

Aph:  “You-- are a mortal.  You’ll be the judge-- if you’re up
for it.”  [Gooses him]

I:  “Uhhh-- yeah!  I’m up!  [Clears throat]  Uh, I mean, great.”

Aph [Laughs]:  “Hey, if ya got it-- ”

Art:  “I’ve been hunting stag all morning.  I need to clean up.”

Ath:  “I suppose I could be a bit more presentable, myself.”

Aph:  “Whatever-- we’ll meet back here in an hour.  No one--
talks to the judge until then.”

Ath:  “Fine.”

Art:  “Agreed.”

Man:  [Swoons]

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Art:  “991.  992.  993.  994.”

I:  “How many of those do you do?”

Art:  “Ten thousand a day.  I used to do more, but-- I’m out of
shape.”

I:  “Yeah.  Hey, wait a second.  We haven’t have the competition
yet.  You’re not supposed to be here.”

Art:  “I know-- but you haven’t heard my offer.”

I:  “Excuse me?”

Art:  “How would you like to be the greatest warrior the world
has ever seen?  Even greater than Hercules.”

I:  “A-ha.  Uh-- you’re kidding, right?”

Art:  “Turn around.”

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[[[[[[H:  “Iolaus!  Whoa!  Whoa!  [Yells]  Oh!  Iolaus.  Thank
the gods!”

I:  “Ha-ha!”

H:  “Oh.  You-- you are in big trouble.  Iolaus-- you are-- by
far and away-- uh-- the greatest-- uh-- warrior-- uh-- that I
have-- ever seen.  Thank you.”

I:  “Uh-- Herc?  Watch the sandals.”

H:  “Oh-- sorry.”

I:  “That’s OK.]]]]]]

I’s Voice:  “Wow!”

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Art:  “And if that doesn’t do it for you-- I can make you the
world’s best wrestler-- or fastest runner.  Think about it.”

I:  “Huh!”

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Ath:  “Reflection is the hallmark of a superior mind.”

I:  “Athena!”

Ath:  “You know-- it’s sad, really-- Aretemis’ obsession with
sports, and-- Aphrodite, well-- let’s just say there’s a lot
of-- echoing going on between those ears.”

I [Sighs]:  “Um-- is there s-something you wanted ?”

Ath:  “Not for myself, but-- to you?  I offer the greatest gift
imaginable-- wisdom-- a mind like none the world has ever known.
Behold.”

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[[[[[[I:  “What is nature of, uh-- let’s say-- beauty?
Socrates.”

Socrates:  “I’m afraid the epistemology necessary to properly
address the question-- does not yet exist.”

I:  “In other words-- you don’t know.  [Chuckles]  Plato.”

Plato:  “The search for beauty-- lifts us above all other life
forms.  But to attempt to define-- or circumscribe it-- with
mere words-- is folly.”

Man’s Voice:  “Yes.”

I:  “This is a good answer-- though-- somewhat evasive.  No--
the truth is, my friends-- all of you-- are right-- for in the
end-- we must learn to-- go beyond our limitations-- and accept,
as an act of faith-- that some things may exist-- even if we
cannot see-- or understand them.  [Applause]  Hercules-- did you
get all that?”

H [Sighs]:  “Yeah, uh-- now-- what was that question, again?
What is the nature of-- ?”

I:  “Oh.”

H:  “It was-- it was a beauty, thing, right?”]]]]]]

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Ath:  “I must say-- you’d make a great wise man.  Choose me--
and you’ll be remembered forever.”

I [Sighing]:  “Oh, great!”

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Sidon:  “Whoa, whoa, what is this, here?!  This about
worshipping Athena on Syros-- never!”

H:  “It just says it’s legal-- not that anyone has to do it.”

Dia:  “Relax, you overstuffed windbag.  If anybody on Delos
wants to worship Artemis, that’ll be all right, too.  Mind you,
my people aren’t that stupid.”  [Clears throat]

Sidon:  “Wh-what did you say?!”

Dia:  “Just sign it!”  

Thera:  “Epius, there’s something we need to talk about.  I
don’t want there to be any secrets between us.  That’s why I
wanted you to know that my father is building us a home, here on
Syros, as a wedding present.”

Ep:  “Here?!”

Kings:  “Huh?”

Thera:  “Yeah.”

Ep:  “Uh-- sorry.  Uh, why didn’t you tell me before?”

Thera:  “Well, that doesn’t matter, I-- .  Look, I wanted you to
know that I’ve been thinking.  And-- if you wanna live on Delos
when we’re married, then that’s fine with me.”

Ep:  “Really?”

Thera:  “Mm-hmm.”

Dia:  “What’s this small print about fishing rights?!”

Sidon:  “Well-- ”

Dia:  “I never agreed to that!”

Sidon:  “Oh!”

Men’a Voices:  “Cheater!  Liar!”

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Art:  “We’ve waited long enough.  Aphrodite never was a good
loser.  She must have chickened out.”

Ath:  “You’ll just have to choose between us.”

Art’s Voice:  “Fair and square.”

Ath:  “With all factors weighed equally.”

Art:  “Who’s the most beautiful?”

I:  “Uh-- I mean-- look, this is a tough one.”

Aph:  “Wait!  Not so fast.”

Ath’s [?] Voice:  “Sorry-- you’re too late.”  

Aph:  “He hasn’t made up his mind yet.  And there’s something he
needs to see.”

Ath:  “I can’t believe-- she’d resort to bribery!”

Aph:  “Hey, you started it!  Hold close to your heart-- and any
woman you want will fall hopelessly in love with you.  If you
both touch it at the same time, you’ll be soulmates forever.
You know you want it.  Pick me and it’s yours.”  [Laughs]
Better luck next time.”

Art:  “Fools!”

Ath:  “You don’t know what you’ve done.”

Aph:  “Here-- keep it in this until you find the right girl.”

I:  “You.  You-- I want you.”

Aph [Laughs]:  “Me?!  Aw, didn’t I tell you?  It only works on
mortals.  Sorry.  Oh!  And one other thing.  You can’t tell
anyone about it.”

I:  “Why not?”

Aph:  “I don’t make up the rules.  But if you do-- no woman will
ever want you again.  Later.”

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I:  “‘Only works on mortals’-- uh, Iolaus-- why do you fall for
these things?  I mean, Hercules _warned_ ya about his sisters.
Uh!  What a family.  Come on, I’m gonna get rid of it.  Well--
on the other hand-- what have I got to lose?”

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[ACT II]

Men’s Voices:  “Well, the banners are in place.”  “The
ceremonial tunics-- .”  “We won’t get to that part of the
ceremony for a while.”  “Yes.”

Dia:  “Well?!”

H:  “I-- ”

Ep:  “You know, Hercules, my father’s right.  They should be
here by now.”

Dia:  “That’s right!”

Sidon:  “I can’t find Thera anyplace.  And there is no way she
would miss this-- so if anything has happened to her-- I swear!
I will personally-- !”

Dia [Interrupting]:  “You’ll what?!”

Ep:  “Father, stop.”

Sidon:  “Don’t you go poking me!”

H:  “There’s no need to get upset!  I’m sure she’s around here
somewhere.”

Dia:  “Ha!”

Sidon:  “Ha!”

H [Sighs]:  “Keep these two apart.  I-- I’ll-- find her.”

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I:  “Wow!”

Thera:  “Oh, nothing like this has ever happened to me before.
Ha-ha!  And I don’t even know your name.”

I:  “Oh-- well-- it’s-- ”

Thera:  “Shut up.”

I:  “Whoa.  Whoa.  Whoa.  Time out.”

Thera:  “OK.”

I:  “Can we start again?”

Thera:  “Sure.”

I:  “OK.  [Clears throat]  Hi.  I’m Iolaus-- and, uh-- you are?”

Thera:  “Iolaus.  Oh-- oh, I love that name.  Oh-- I love us.  I
love you!”

H:  “Thera?”

Thera:  “Hercules, hi!”

H:  “Hi.  Iolaus.”

I:  “Oh.  Oh.  Yeah, uh-- Hercules.  Uh.”

Thera:  “Ow!”

I:  “Hi.  Um-- I’m a little busy right now.  Wha’d you call
her?”

H:  “Thera-- you know-- the bride.”

I:  “Ha-ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha-ha!  Yeah!  Uh-- she-- ”

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Thera:  “You’re not gonna be afraid!  I won’t hurt you!”

I:  “Sh-sh.”

H:  “All right-- this should be far enough.  Wait.”

Thera:  “Whoop!  Whoo!”

H:  “You-- stay-- there.  You--over here.”

I:  “Hercules, I’m sorry; I didn’t think it was gonna work-- not
like this.”

H:  “Well, obviously, you haven’t dealt with Aphrodite before.”

I:  “Yeah-- ”

H:  “Which doesn’t matter, now, because-- she’s supposed to get
married tomorrow.  Remember?”

Thera:  “Hi.”

I:  “Hi.”

Thera:  “Hercules?  I wonder if you would do me a really big
favor.  Would you tell Epius that I’m really sorry, but that I
can’t marry him?”

H:  “Why not?”

Thera:  “Why not?  Because I love Iolaus-- more than life
itself.”

I:  “Uh, no, no, no.  Her-Herc-- you have got to do something.”

H:  “Thera?”

Thera:  “What?”

H:  “Aren’t you being a little hasty about this?  You’ve never
even met him before.” 

Thera:  “Don’t you believe in love at first sight?”

H:  “Well-- yeah-- sometimes, but not here, a-and-and not now.
Besides-- what about Epius?”

Thera:  “I know.  I know, and I-- _feel_ really badly about
that-- I do-- I really do.  But, um-- Iolaus and I were-- meant
to be together.”

Man’s Voice:  “Thera!”

H:  “Great.”

I:  “Herc.”

H:  “Listen, listen.  You better-- lay low for a while.  You
don’t want these guys to find you.”

I:  “Yeah, m-maybe I can help.”

H:  “You wanna help?”

I:  “Yeah.”

H:  “When you find Aphrodite, get her to break the spell.”

I:  “OK.  How do I find her?”

H:  “She-- likes the way the waves break up at the point.  And
she owes me a favor.  Just-- keep out of sight.”

I:  “OK.  OK.”

Thera:  “Oh, Iolaus, wait.  Oop!”

H:  “Go!  Quick!”

Ep:  “I wonder who that could be.”

H:  “Epius!  Diadorus!  We’re over here!  Now, behave yourself.”

Thera:  “Oop.”

Ep:  “Thera, what happened?”

Thera:  “Epius, there’s something I have to tell you.  I’ve
fallen-- ”

H:  “-- in a ditch!  She fell-- in a ditch.  She wasn’t--
looking where she was going.”

Ep:  “Wh-- wh-wh-wh-wh-- are you hurt?”

H:  “Oh, she’s fine.  She’s fine.  It’s best if she doesn’t
speak right now.  See, she bumped her head.  She’s a little
confused.”

Ep:  “Well-- Thera-- well, now that I’ve found you-- I want you
to know it doesn’t matter where we live. If you wanna live on
Syros-- that’s fine with me.  All that matters is, we’re
together.”

Dia:  “Now, wait a minute!”

H:  “You know, Thera’s been through a bit of a shock.  We should
really get her back.”

Thera:  “Bye!”

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Aph:  “Bitchin’.”

I:  “‘Bitchin’’?”

Aph:  “Look at that set!  Ah-- as soon as the tide comes in.”

I:  “Aphrodite?  I have to talk to you.”

Aph:  “Uh-huh?”

I:  “Uh [Sighs]-- OK.  This whole thing is a mistake.”

Aph:  “Why?  You scored.  I saw you.”

I:  “Yeah, but-- she’s not the right girl.  I mean, I-I didn’t
think the apple would work, and even if it did-- ”

Aph:  “You didn’t know it was Thera?”

I [Sighs]:  “Yeah.”

Aph:  “Bummer.  Not my problem.”

I:  “Hercules said, you owe him a favor.”

Aph:  “Everyone owes Hercules a favor.”

I:  “Aw, come on.”

Aph [Chuckles]:  “Ah!  You mortals are _so_ tedious.  You want
me to lose the spell, is that it?”

I:  “No, I don’t want to!  But-- yeah.”

Aph:  “All right, fine.  Whatever.”

I:  “Is that it?”

Aph:  “You got it, sweet cheeks.”

I:  “What about your apple?  Don’t you want it back?”

Aph [Smirks]:  “What for?  I’ve got lots of ‘em.”

I:  “Yeah, but-- ”

Aph:  “Hello?!  Honey?!  Let me give you a clue.  If it were
me-- I’d hang onto it.  I mean, it is solid gold.”

I:  “Oh.”

Aph:  “Oh.”  [Whistles]

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Men’s Voices:  “A toast to the happy bride and groom!”  “Hear,
hear!”  “To Syros and Delos!”

Sidon:  “Something wrong?”

Dia:  “No, no-- not at all.  Where did these people learn their
manners?  In a barn?  Eating with their left hand!”

Thera:  “Father?  Oh-- I missed you.”

Ep:  “Me, too.”

H:  “Are you-- feeling better, Thera?”

Thera:  “Just like my old self.”

H:  “Ah-- I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear that.”

Thera:  “Could I have everyone’s attention, please?”

I:  “Hi.”

Thera:  “This is, truly, one of the happiest days of my life-- ”

H [Mouthing words]:  “What are you doing?”

Thera [Meanwhile]:  “-- to see our people-- ”

I [Mouthing words]:  “OK-- I fixed it.”

Thera [Meanwhile]:  “-- sitting here, sharing a meal together--
knowing-- that we will finally be united-- just as I will be
united with my one, true love.  Iolaus-- how I’ve missed you.”

H:  “Oh.”

Ep:  “Thera?”

Sidon:  “Thera?  What are you doing?!”

Thera:  “Hold me in your arms!”

Dia’s [Interrupting]:  “This is an outrage!”

Thera:  “Iolaus!”

I:  “No!  Look, you can’t-- no-- don’t-- ”

H:  “Iolaus-- I told you to stay away!”

I:  “Aphrodite said-- ”

H:  “Well, she lied!  Now-- get outta here!”

I:  “Yeah-- oh-- ”

Man’s Voice:  “What a wench!”

H:  “Here-- take-- her-- with you.”

I:  “Yeah, wait!  Watch it!”

Dia’s Voice:  “Kill that man!”

Dia:  “And arrest that hussy!”

H:  “G-great.”

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[ACT III]

Dia:  “Go!  Do it!  For the love of Athena, don’t let her get
away!”

[Fight]

Sidon:  “Now, as Artemis is my witness, you lay one finger on my
daughter’s head, and--!”

H:  “I think you’re overreacting.”

Dia’s Voice:  “For Athena-- kill ‘em all!”

Sidon:  “You get your goons off my daughter, Featherhead!”

Men’s Voices:  “Delos warriors are weaklings!”  “Syros breeds
sissies!”

Sidon’s Voice:  “Get them-- nitwits!”

Men’s Voices:  “I’ll beat you to a pulp!”  “I’ll teach you a
lesson!”  “You rathscalion [sp?]!”  “You threw that at me!  I
saw you!”  “Hey!  Watch it, you-- !”

Bearded Man:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

H:  “Now, stop it!  All of you!  I know how that looked-- but
that _wasn’t_ Thera’s fault.”

Dia:  “How can you say that?!  You saw what she did!  How dare
that _tramp_ bring shame upon my kingdom?!”

Sidon:  “Don’t-- !”

Ep:  “No!  This is my problem, Father!  It’s got nothin’ to do
with _you_-- or our people-- or anyone else!  If you wanna go to
war-- go ahead!  But don’t-- insult Thera-- or _use her_ as an
excuse!”

Sidon:  “Hercules?  This man-- he’a a friend ‘a yours, isn’t
he?”

H:  “Yes-- but it wasn’t his fault either.  Look!  The gods are
at work here.  So-- if you two promise to behave yourselves,
I’ll bring them both back, and we can work this out.  All right?
Allright?”

Sidon:  “All right!”

Dia:  “All right!”

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H:  “Epius-- what just happened, it-- wasn’t what it seemed.”

Ep:  “You saw what she did.  How can I ever forgive her?”

H:  “That’s what I’m trying to tell you.  It wasn’t her fault.”

Ep:  “Yeah, right.  Ah-ah-- Hercules, I’m no hero.  I mean, I
know how important this marriage is-- to bring our kingdoms
together-- but-- ”

H:  “Your pride is hurt.”

Ep:  “Well, wouldn’t yours be?!  This is the woman I love.”

H:  “There’s no reason to stop loving her.  Epius-- listen to
me.  Aphrodite cast a spell on my friend, Iolaus.  He didn’t
know what he was doing-- so he-- well, he tried it on Thera--
and then she-- ”

Ep:  “You mean, she really doesn’t love your friend?”

H:  “No.  No.  Now, I can deal with Aphrodite.  But you need to
remember that Thera is the woman you love, the woman _you_ are
going to marry.  Are you really going to let your pride stop
you?  I’m gonna go get Thera.”

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Thera:  “Iolaus, please?  Please let me go.”

I:  “OK.  If I letcha go-- do you promise-- to behave yourself?”

Thera:  “Promise.”

I:  “All right.”  [Clears throat]

Thera:  “Oh, I love the way you smell.  It’s so masculine.”

I:  “Look-- on second thought, I’m gonna leave you right where
you are.”

Thera:  “Don’t you want me?”

I:  “No?”

Thera:  “I don’t believe you.”

I:  “Thera-- what you’re feeling for me-- it’s not real.  It is
just a spell.” 

Thera:  “I don’t care.  Make love to me.”

I:  “No!”

Thera:  “Why?!”

I:  “What about Epius?”

Thera:  “What _about_ Epius?”

I:  “Don’t you-- have any feelings for him?”

Thera:  “Of course I do.  What does that got to do with
anything?”

I:  “You know, you have probably broken his heart.”

Thera:  “He’s strong.  He’ll get over it.”

I:  “Ohh.”

Thera:  “Oh, you and I were meant to be together.”

I:  “OK-- here.  See this?  It is the only thing-- that makes
you think you love me.”

Thera:  “Oh, it’s beautiful.  Can I touch it?”

Aph’s Voice:  “Touch it at the same time, and you’re soulmates
forever.”

I:  “No, um.  I better-- put it away.  Ahh!  Herc?  Don’t _ever_
sneak up on me like that.”

H:  “Iolaus-- why didn’t you tell me about the apple?”

I:  “Uh-- you didn’t ask?  [Laughs]  Hey.  Herc-- do I have to
tell ya?  I mean, Aphrodite said, if I told anyone, it wouldn’t
work.  I don’t know about you, but-- ”

H [Interrupting]:  “I get-- the picture.”

I:  “Ah.”

H:  “I’ll be right back.”

I:  “Yeah, good.  Oh, no!  Thera!”

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H:  “Aphrodite!”

Aph:  “Mmmmm?  Just takin’ a moonlight ride.”

H:  “Oh.”

Aph [Laughs]:  “Hercules, you are _so_ decent!  Huh!  Nothing--
like our father.”

H:  “Tragic.”

Aph:  “There.  How’s  this?”

H:  “Yes-- thank you.”

Aph:  “Oh, you brought my apple back!  Your friend didn’t find
it useful?”

H:  “It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?  Huh.”

Aph:  “Guess I’ll take it back.”

H:  “Not so fast.  That-- little beauty contest you set up--
what was in it for you?”

Aph:  “Pride, what else?  I _am_ the goddess of love.  How would
it look to lose a beauty contest-- es-_pecially_ to those two?”

H:  “I see.  So, you had no interest in keeping the war going
between Syros and Delos.”

Aph:  “Why would I care about them?”

H:  “Because I know you.  You’re not as dumb as you pretend to
be.  There’s a-- lot more gold in-- Syros and-- Delos than there
is in Cythera, isn’t there?”

Aph:  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

H:  “No?”

Aph:  “Mm-mm.”

H:  “Huh-- I mean, you’ve never thought that if Syros and Delos
were to destroy each other, you could-- take over and have all
those shrines rebuilt in your honor.”

Aph:  “Ah!  Pretty clever, huh?”

H:  “A-ha-ha-- no, not really.  See, that’ll never happen, as
long as-- Thera and Epius care for each other.”

Aph:  “Hmm-- maybe.”

H:  “Aphrodite-- un-do the spell.”

Aph:  “Done!  May I have my apple back?”

H:  “I trust you?  But not that much.  There-- that should take
care of your spell.  Hmm?”

Aph:  “Leaving so soon?”

H:  “You know, I’d love to stay and catch up with you, little
sister, but you’ve made quite a mess of things-- and I’ve got
some-- cleaning up to do.  Hmm.  See ya.”

Aph:  “Later.  [Sighs, then kisses apple]  How d’ya like _them_
apples?”

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I:  “I’m sorry I dragged ya into all this.”

Thera:  “You did, didn’t you?  I don’t know what came over me.
I really do love Epius.  What if he can’t forgive me?”

I:  “He will.”

Thera:  “Thanks.”

I:  “For what?”

Thera:  “For not taking advantage of me.  Hmm.”

H:  “Oh, no.”

I:  “No, no-- it wa-it was just a friendly hug-- wasn’t it?”

H:  “Oh-- well-- good.  Let’s go-- face the music.”

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Sidon:  “Hercules should’ve been here _hours_ ago.  What’s goin’
on?”

Dia:  “Ten minutes, we leave for Delos.”

Sidon:  “The first thing I wantcha to do-- sink these ships.”

Dia:  “We’ll circle back on the way to the docks.  It’s time to
put and end to this, once and for all.”

H:  “Hi.  Uh-- Thera has something she wants to say.”

Thera:  “Epius, I’m sorry.  I-- I know I’ve hurt you.  And if--
you can’t find it in your heart to take me back, I’ll
understand, but I can’t live without you.  Please forgive me?”

Ep:  “I love you.”

Aph-as-Old-Woman:  “Oh, excuse me.”  [Laughs]

Thera:  “Oh, and I love-- Iolaus.”

I:  “Oh, no.  No, no.  No, wait, no, no, y-- there’s people
here.”

H:  “Aphrodite!”

Dia:  “This means war!”

Men’s Voices:  “War!”

H:  “I don’t believe this.”

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[ACT IV]

I:  “No, no, please.”

Thera:  “Whoo!”

Ep:  “Thera, how dare you?!  That’s _twice_ you’ve betrayed me!”

Thera:  “Um-- actually, three.”  [Giggles]

Ep [Mouths]:  “Wha-- ?”

Dia:  “Kill them all!”

Sidon:  [Cackles incomprehensibly]

H:  “W-w-w-w-wait, Diadorus!  Sidon had nothing to do with
this!”

Dia:  “Well, kill _him_, anyway!”

Sidon:  “Well, that’s fine!  Kill him, but nobody-- lays a
finger on my daughter’s head!”

I:  “It looks like we’ve overstayed our welcome.”

H:  “Uh-- yep.”

[Fight]

Sidon:  “Come on!  Kill the little blond guy!”

H:  “Let go!  Uh-- can you swim?”

Thera:  “Yeah, but-- ”

H:  “Great.”

Thera:  “Oh, no!  Oh!  Oh.”

H:  “Uh-- wait for me.”

Thera:  “Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding!”

I:  “Hey!”

H’s Voice:  “Epius!”

H:  “What-- are you doing?!”

I:  “Yeah!”  [Yelps]

Thera:  “Wait a second?  Can we talk about this?”

H:  “Ha!  Right.  Uh-- ”

Man’s Voice:  “Where are they?!”

H:  “On three?”

Man’s Voice:  “There they are!”

I:  “Yeah.”

Man’s Voice:  “Get them!”

I:  “Three!”

H:  “Three!”

[Scream]

Sidon:  “Out of the way!”

Dia:  “Epius!”

Sidon:  “Thera!”

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--------------------------------

Dia:  “This is your fault.”

Sidon:  “You great big weasel!”

Dia:  “Tub of lard!”
Sidon [At the same time]:  “Give me my sword!”

Dia:  “And mine!  This is it!”

Sidon’s [?] Voice:  “Get out of the way!”

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I:  “Whoo!”

H:  “You all right?!”

Thera:  “No!”

Ep:  “Yeah, really?  What happened to one and two?!”

H:  “Well-- ”

Dia [In the distance]:  “We’ll get Sidon!  Cowards!  We’ll
destroy them!”

Thera:  “Epius-- look, I’m _sorry_.  I realize what I did was
terrible, but will you please just give me a chance to explain?”

H:  “It’ll have to wait.  Company’s coming.”

I:  “That’s not all.”

Men’s Voices:  “We’ll end this battle once and for all!”  “Come
on.”

H:  “All right.  You two-- into that cave.” 

Ep:  “I’d rather fight!”

Thera:  “Me, too.

H:  “It’s not an option.  Now, go.”

I:  “I’d rather be fishing.”

H:  “Yeah, me, too.”

Soldiers’ Voices:  “We’re gonna rush [?]”  “You’ll know what to
do.”

H:  “Sidon-- Diadorus, we need to talk.”

Dia:  “It’s too late, Hercules!  Epius?!  If anything happens to
me-- kill her!”

Sidon:  “W-w-w-- All right!  All right!  You win!  N-now, you
just let her go-- a-and I-I’ll spare all your women and
children!  And we won’t burn your castle down, either!  Now,
you’ve got five minutes!”

Dia:  Ha!”

Sidon:  “Ha!”

H:  “I-- don’t believe these two.”

I:  “You’d think they’d get tired of doing this.”

H:  “Ah, they don’t seem to.”

I:  “Now, why does keeping the peace have to be so violent?”

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Thera’s Voice:  “Epius, I’m sorry.”

Thera:  “I-- I don’t know what to say.”

Ep:  “Don’t say anything.  I can’t believe what a fool I was
trusting you.”

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--------------------------------

Sidon:  “That’s it, Diadorus!  Your time is up!  Persus-- take
‘em!”

Dia:  “Go!”

[Fight]

Soldier’s Voice:  “Feel my sword!”  

Sidon:  “Stinkpot!  Look at that mustache!  Look at that beard!”

Dia:  “A tea cozy on your head.”

I:  “Hey, Herc!”

H:  “What?!”

I:  “What’s _she_ doing here?!”

Soldier’s Voice:  “Well, what do you know?!”

Aph:  [Laughs]

H:  “It’s too bad they can’t see you-- or they might stop
fighting.”

Aph [Laughs]:  “Give it up, Hercules!”

H:  “What for?!  Look at that!”

Aph:  “Ah-- sweet.  But as much as _they_ are in love-- their
fathers hate each other even more.  They’re never gonna be able
to live in peace-- not after this.”

H:  “So-- you’ll win after all.”

Aph:  “I’m thinking of having matching gold shrines-- there and
there.  What do you think?”

H:  “Well-- I’m sure you’ll be very happy.”

I:  “Herc!”

H:  “Huh?”

I:  “I-- ”

H:  “Yeah, yeah-- I know.  Ah-- keep her busy for a while.”

I:  “Ah.  Hi-- ah, it’s me.”

Aph:  “Hmm.”

I:  “Ah, look, I wanted you to know-- that I’m not angry with
you-- ah, you know, for the way you used me before.  I mean--
why should I be?  You’re so-- gorgeous, it-- takes my breath
away.”

Aph:  “Is there something you wanted?”

I:  “Ah-- yeah.  A kiss.  Nothing big!  Just a little one-- on
the cheek.  I’d really appreciate it.  I mean, I could tell all
the guys.  Who else can say they’ve been kissed by Aphrodite?”

Aph:  “Oh, why not?!”

I:  “Huh!”

Aph:  “Happy now?”

I:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Aphrodite?!”

Aph:  “No!  No, Hercules!  Ah, that’s not fair!”

Dia:  “Sidon-- are you all right?!”

Sidon:  “Ah-- Diadorus, my brother!  Diadorus-- my brother!”

H:  “So-- how do you like _them_ apples?”

Aph:  “You _sure_ know how to ruin a girl’s fun.”

I:  “Bitchin’!”  [Laughs]

H:  “I-- love it.”

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I:  “Boy-- I’m never gonna look at an apple the same way again.”

H:  “I know what you mean.  You know my cousin, Asclepius?”

I:  “The one who does medicine?”

H:  “Yeah-- he’s always saying, ‘An apple a day keeps Asclepius
away.’  I could never figure out what he meant by that.”

I:  “Well, who could?  Ever tried to read one of his
prescriptions?”

Kids:  “Let me!”  “You!”  “Whoa!  That’s fun!”  “Hey!  That
looks fun!”  “Can I do it, please?”  “Oh!”

I:  “It’ll never be popular-- really.”  [Laughs]

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