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“King for a Day” Episode 32/219 [TEASER] I: “Herc-- ya hear that?” H: “Yeah, he’s been on our trail for a while. I think it’s time he found us.” Man: “Ahh! Ahh! Ah-h-h-h-h-h! Uh! Oh! [Sighs] Please, Hercules, I need your help.” H: “What’s the problem?” Man: “It’s my daughter!” H: “What happened to her?” Man: “She saw you defeat a giant, last year, and she’s-- been obsessed about you ever since. She’s convinced that her destiny is to be yours and yours alone!” I: “So, what else is new?” Man: “Hercules, she won’t eat! She won’t sleep! She won’t listen to her mother or I!” H: “All right, all right, all right. Listen, listen. We’ll, uh-- go see if we can talk some sense into her.” I: “Right.” Man: “Oh, wait a minute. Who are you?” I: “I’m Iolaus. You know-- Hercules’ best friend-- companion-- comrade-in-arms-- renowned in song and st-I don’t know why I bother. Have you _really_ never heard of me?” Man: “No-- this is a delicate family matter! And my daughter’s a f-a flower-- a gem-- a goddess. You’d only scare her.” I: “She got a sister?” Man: “Please, Hercules-- we must hurry! My village is three days’ travel!” H: “All right, uh-- Iolaus, I’ll-- meet you back here in a week.” I [Interrupts]: “No, no-- no, Hercules, wait. We-- we were gonna go boar hunting.” H: “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s-- we’re close to Attica?! Don’t you have relatives there?” I: “Yeah-- very distant relatives.” H: “Aah, you’ll have a good time.” I: “Ha-- you haven’t spent time with my relatives.” H [Sighs]: “One week-- back here.” I: “OK. OK.” H [Interrupts]: “Fine. Let’s go. Come on. How did you find me, anyway?” Man: “Villagers... come by every day.” I [Interrupts]: “Don’t worry about me! I really enjoy crawling through the forest on my own. You know? Every time you take a vacation-- you don’t take a vacation! I can’t believe that guy never heard of me.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I: “Ah-- hey! Hey! Whoa! Wh-wh-wh-whoa! Hi. Uh, I’m looking for your town hall.” Peddler: “Huh?” I: “Is there a problem?” Peddler: “You-you-you don’t know the _way_?” I: “No-- this is why I’m asking. I’m looking for some relatives who live around here? Thanks. I’m going hunting.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hector [Hec]: “Excellent shot, your Highness.” Linus [Lin]: “You nearly scared him to death. Excellent strategy, your Highness.” I: “What kind of men are you?! Show yourselves!” Orestes [Ore]’s Voice: “Who is that shouting?” I: “Oh. What? So I look like a deer? You could ’a killed me!” Hec: “Sorry, friend. His High-- ” I: “You know-- ! I don’t be-_lieve_ it.” Ore: “Hector. Who is this uncommonly handsome stranger?” Ore and I: “Huh.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT I] Man’s Voice: “Orestes sure can throw a party!” Ore: “The resemblance really is un-- canny.” I: “I think it was my great-grandmother, Althea. She always said she liked Attica. Now I know why. Huh.” Ore: “And undoubtedly-- my great-grandfather, King Agoraphobius-- never could keep it in his codpiece.” [Laughs] I: “Makes us cousins.” Ore: “Hail, cousin! You know, Iolaus? It’s good to be king.” Hec: “You’re not king yet, your Highness.” Ore: “I know, but I soon will be. And when I am-- I’m gonna rule just like my father did. Then I can enjoy the bounteous supply of female companionship.” Hec: “May I remind your Highness about tomorrow?” Ore: “Are you tryin’ to spoil my bachelor party?!” Hec: “It is my responsibility to make sure the coronation is perfect, Sire.” Ore: “Don’t worry, Hector. I won’t disappoint you or Niobe-- little twit. I wonder if she still has those knobbly knees. Hey, hey, hey-- d-do you have knobbly knees? Huh? Hmm? How about you?” Hec: “Niobe is _not_ a little twit, your Highness. She is a princess-- and your betrothed.” I: “You know? If she’s gonna be your wife-- don’t you think you should-- pay her a little respect? It will make things a lot easier.” Ore: “Yeah-- you’re right. Yeah. I mean, it’s been a long time since I seen her. It’s been ten years. Maybe she’s changed. Maybe she’s a big twit.” [Laughs] Hec: “Please, your Highness, I beg you to prepare yourself for the coronation. Your brother, Prince Minos, and General Archias will do anything to foil us.” Ore: “You worry too much-- old man.” Hec: “I’m going to bed. And I think you should do the same, your Highness. Girls! Leave him!” Ore: “Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Are you denying my cousin-- the spoils of royalty?” Hec: “The evening’s over! Good night.” Man’s Voice: “The party’s over so soon? Where’s the wild night we were promised?” Woman’s Voice: “What happened?” I: “It’s all right. I-- I’ve had enough wine.” Ore: “Well-- I’m gonna need some more courage if I’m gonna face Niobe!” I: “Uh-- well, I-- guess I’ll-- hit the hay, too-- your Highness.” Ore: “Uh-- call me Orestes-- you’re-- family.” I: “Then-- I’m-- glad I made the trip-- Orestes.” Ore: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-- ” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Archias [Arc]: “-- form, you pathetic. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-- ” Pylon [Py]: “General Archias!” Arc: “At ease, Pylon. What news do you bring?” Py: “Prince Orestes will not be attending the coronation. His wine was drugged. Today’s tax collections.” Arc: “Excellent.” Minos [Min]: “I hope tomorrow never comes.” Arc: “Prince Minos. Oh, cease. When Orestes, your brother, takes the throne tomorrow-- and marries Princess Niobe-- your power in Attica-- is finished.” Min: “It’s not my fault my brother was born before me.” Arc: “No, no, not your fault, Sire, but, uh-- easily remedied-- especially when one considers how unfair it would be for Orestes to overshadow a man as shrewd and as-- powerful as yourself.” Min: “Well-- ” Arc: “May I? If you were king-- think of the legacy that you would leave Attica-- a stronger military-- bigger prisons for our-- political enemies.” Min: “I would need your-- wise counsel at every turn.” Arc: “Oh, if your Highness would permit.” Min: “Go on.” Arc: “With our increased might-- we could control the outer provinces-- and enlarge the kingdom. You would be remembered as the greatest leader in the history of Attica. And your marriage to Niobe-- ” Min: “Uh, she’s so beautiful.” Arc: “-- would further-- consolidate your power.” Min: “Niobe hates me.” Arc: “She must _marry_ whomever is _king_ for the _good_ of _Attica_. Yah!” Min: “She could learn to love me.” Arc: “Well, I hope you don’t mind-- but I have gone and taken care-- of everything. Tomorrow-- you will be crowned king of Attica-- and Orestes will skulk away, the pathetic little creature-- that he is. Take him away-- and bring me a more worthy opponent!” Py: “Yes, sir.” Min: “I knew I could trust you, Archias. Oh, wait until my brother sees me wearing the crown he though ws his.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I: “Some kind of-- sleeping potion.” Hec: “It won’t kill him, will it?” I: “No-- but it’ll put him out of action for a while. Who’d wanna do something like this?” Hec: “Aah-- Minos is too weak to try it on his own-- but he’s jealous enough to encourage Archias.” Lin: “Orestes’ll never make it to the coronation.” I: “Postpone it.” Lin: “We can’t.” Hec: “If Orestes doesn’t appear at the appointed time, Minos will be crowned in his place-- and he’ll be king until he dies. Unless-- ” I: “Oh, no, no, no, no, no.” Hec: “You look just _like_ Orestes. You could be crowned in his place and nobody would know the difference!” I: “Forget it!” Lin: “But you must!” I: “What? Are you crazy?!” Hec: “No-- we’re trying to save our lives. If you _don’t_ pretend to be Orestes, Archias will have us all executed by sundown. Your cousin will be dead. Atticer [sic] fall to despots.” I: “I couldn’t fool anybody.” Hec: “Well, granted, you’re not exactly royal material, but, uh-- if we teach you-- ” I: “He’s much older than I am! The wine and the women-- they’ve aged him.” Hec: “Listen-- I’ve taken care of Orestes since his birth, and before that, I was proud to help guide his father’s sovereign hand! I’m asking you to help him. He needs you. His _kingdom_ needs you.” I: “I’ve guess I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be-- king for a day.” Hec: “Here-- put this on. We’ll have to hide him.” I: “Yeah, come on. I’ll help.” Hec: “No, no, no-- he’s our responsibility. And you’re going to be king. You should begin acting like one.” Lin: “Sorry, your Highness.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hec: “Now, you’re _ab_-solutely you got the words all perfect.” I: “Stop fussing! Hector-- I know the lines. Come on.” Lin: “When the sun hits the medallion on this wall, a shaft of light will illuminate the entire temple.” I’s Voice: “Yeah.” Lin: “That’s when you present yourself at the doorway-- walk on down the aisle-- to the priest.” I: “Down the aisle-- come on.” Hec: “If you’re not right on time, Minos will leave the congregation, and present himself in your place.” I: “Then I guess we better not be late, huh?!” Hec: “One more thing. If you make a mistake in the testing, Zeus has decreed that you be beheaded-- immediately.” I: “Now you tell me.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Woman’s Voice: “Sh-sh-- coronation’s starting.” Min: “I can’t belive it. I’m gonna be king-- and Niobe will be mine. Where is she?” Arc: “Patience, your Highness. Niobe’s not going anywhere. Just, uh-- try to look surprised when the priest calls your name.” Priest: “Who dares to be king of Attica? Let him present himself to the gods.” Min [Whispers]: “I’ve been waiting for this all my life.” I/Ore’s Voice: “I do! Ahh! Ooh!” People: “Ooh!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT II] I [Aside]: “Why didn’t they kill me?” Hec [Aside]: “Tripping on your robe-- doesn’t count. Tripping on your tongue-- does.” I [Aside]: “Oh.” Min [Whispers]: “Archias-- you promised me.” Arc: “Something’s gone wrong, your Majesty. Stay right here.” Priest: “Why do you think you are worthy?” I/Ore: “Because-- of the hereditary succession-- from my father-- King Oeneus-- and his father-- King Xenophobius-- and his father-- King-- Agoraphobius-- and his father-- King-- Arachnophobius-- and on back through the ages-- to the time of the Titans!” Priest: “Speak the oath of allegiance-- or die-- in Zeus’s name.” I/Ore [clears throat]: “Oh-- mighty Zeus-- bestow your blessing on your-- unworthy servant-- and-- grant that I may rule Attica-- with the wisdom of-- Olympus!” Priest: “With this crown, your grace and wisdom shall enrich this kingdom-- for so long as you shall live. All hail! To King Orestes!” People: “Hail! To King Orestes!” I/Ore: “Cool!” I [Aside]: “Hey-- who’s that, Hector?” Hec: “You mean, Orestes didn’t tell you?” I [Aside]: “No?” Hec: “Whoever is crowned must marry Princess Niobe-- immediately.” I [Aside]: “W-wait a second! Are you crazy?! I don’t even _know_ her! How can I _marry_ her?! I gotta date her or something!” Hec: “Get in there.” Priest: “Do you-- King Orestes-- take-- Niobe to be your sovereign queen and wife?! Till death do you part?” I/Ore: “Uh-- I do.” Priest: “Do you-- Queen Niobe-- take Orestes to be your sovereign king and husband-- till death do you part?” Niobe [Nio]: “I do?” Priest: “You may kiss your queen.” People: “Long live King Orestes and Queen Niobe!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ People: [Cheer] Man’s Voice: “All hail! King Orestes! And Queen Niobe!” I/Ore: “You look beautiful.” Nio: “Oh, please-- ” I/Ore: “No, no, really. You’re beautiful.” Nio: “Look-- I’ve done my duty to my family and the kingdom. But I’d rather eat dirt than consummate this marriage after the hideous way you treated me all these years?” I/Ore: “Yeah, but-- ” Nio: “I’m just glad you showed up-- or I’d be married to that cretin, Minos.” I/Ore: “Look-- I’m sorry you feel-- ” Nio: “At least you’re not as unattractive as I remember.” I/Ore: “Unattractive?! Look-- I know I’ve taken a few _punches_ in my time-- ” Man’s Voice: “Come on! Let’s see you kiss her!” I/Ore: “Huh.” Nio: “Once-- was enough.” A Man’s Voice: “Kiss her!” I/Ore: “You know? We all have our roles to perform. Huh.” [Nio knees I.] I/Ore [Hi-pitched]: “Thanks, darling.” [Laughs] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I: “You didn’t tell me I was gonna marry someone who hates my guts.” Hec: “Uh-- it’s King Orestes who is married to her, huh?” I: “Yeah? Good luck to him.” Hec: “No!” I: “What’s the matter?” Hec: “Archias has Orestes.” I: “How can you be so sure? Maybe he woke up and went back to the palace.” Hec: “That’s Archias’ dagger.” I: “Really?” Hec: “You have to help us.” I: “H-hey, wait a minute. Maybe I can fake it for a day, but I’m no king.” Hec: “I know! But this is no time to be picky!” I: “So you keep telling me. Now, why can’t we just rescue Orestes?” Hec: “The only place they’ll hide him is Draxus, and it’s too heavily fortified! Orestes’d before we could reach him!” I: “What do you expect me to do?!” Hec: “Just what you’re doing. As long as you’re on the throne-- Minos and Archias can’t take the crown-- or marry Niobe.” I: “Huh?! Niobe. Booy, how can I disappoint a woman who’s so crazy about me?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Min: “I didn’t want you to kidnap Orestes-- just detain him long enough for me to become king.” Arc: “Your Highness-- there really wasn’t any other way. There is an imposter, masquerading as your brother, and-- we must flush him.” Min: “My brother is rotting in the dungeon right now.” Arc: “Yes, but he’s safer there than in anywhere else in the kingdom, the incompetent boob. Besides, if we let him rule, he will plunge Attica in-- to anarchy.” Min: “But, how can I stop him?” Arc: “Why don’t we arrange for the imposter’s unfortunate demise? Bury him as King Orestes with all the ceremony of state. You will be made king-- and I will take care of Orestes.” Min: “No. I don’t want you hurting him. He’s my responsibility.” Arc: “As you wish, your Highness. Ha! [Laughs] Pylon-- take this to the imposter.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I/Ore: “Huh-- looks like you’ve used that thing before.” Nio: “Someone has to protect Attica from those who want it destroyed?” I/Ore: “Who wants to destroy it?” Nio: “Your darling brother-- for one.” I/Ore: “Niobe-- did I say something to make you angry?” Nio: “How about the way you bad-mouthed me?” I/Ore: “Oh-- I couldn’t-- ” Nio: “And your drinking?” I/Ore: “I don’t drink _that_ much.” Nio: “And the women? If I didn’t have to marry you to save Attica from rebellion-- I wouldn’t be here.” I/Ore: “May I?” Nio: “You can’t hit the side of a palace. How did you do that? There are songs about how badly you shoot.” I/Ore: “Sometimes those songs and stories you hear are greatly exaggerated. Often, they’re completely wrong. I just-- want you to get the know the real me. Niobe, I’m not really-- ” Hec: “Sire! I’m sorry to interrupt.” I/Ore: “What is it?” Hec: “We have a problem.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hec: “Minos’ letter is obviously a trap.” I: “Yeah. We should take the bait anyway.” Lin: “What?! And risk failure?!” I: “I can’t just sit here. Orestes may be dead. And as much fun as you two are, I’d like to go home sometime, so-- let’s go get him.” Lin: “Yeah, but-- if you die, then they win.” I: “I won’t die! At least I hope I won’t. Hercules wouldn’t.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Min: “Amazing-- you look just like him.” I: “He’s a handsome devil.” Min: “If you find drunk playboys attractive.” I: “Hmm. Well, at least you kept your promise to come alone.” [Ambush] I: “I should ’a known it was too good to be true.” Min: “I have no reason to keep a promise to an imposter.” I: “If that’s how you do business, fine. Just tell me one thing-- is Orestes still alive?” Min: “Yes.” I: “You wanna tell me why?” Min: “Because I won’t kill my brother-- but I will kill you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT III] [Fight] I: “Some king you’d make! Won’t even fight your own battles!” Min: “That’s why I have guards. So long, imposter.” I: “Dinner?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Arc: “You get what I wanted?” Py: “Yes, sir. Why can’t I kill the little prince myself?!” Arc: “Now, now, let’s not get too hasty. We must keep Minos’ feeble dreams of familial harmony alive. And besides-- an unhappy puppet-- is an uncooperative puppet. If Orestes were to die from a-- long-- regrettable illness, however-- ” [Laughs] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I: “You know, I shouldn’t be bothering with all this royal nonsense. I should be out rescuing Orestes!” Hec: “Look, we have to wait for the right moment. Besides, each morning after the crescent moon, the king must offer legal judgments. You must behave exactly as Orestes would; otherwise, the charade is over-- and we’re all dead.” I: “Oh, great. Thanks, Hector.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Men’s Voices: “-- sides for the lantern!” “You really think he’ll waive your taxes?!” “The tax levy is too high! We’re starving under it!” Bailiff [Bai]: “People of Attica! King Orestes and Queen Niobe will hear your complaints and pleas! Will the first litigant step forward?!” Hec: “Now, remember, your Majesty, your father could only hear a couple of cases at one sitting.” I/Ore: “Why so few?” Hec: “He didn’t have the longest attention span. But I wouldn’t worry too much. None of these people expect to get their case heard in less than a year.” I/Ore: “You mean, they’ve been here before?” Hec: “Ooh-- they come every month, your Majesty. Some of them have been coming for years.” Bai: “And what is the nature of this case?” Landlord: “I haven’t been paid my rent in two years.” Tenant: “And I don’t have a decent roof over my head. He won’t fix it.” Bai: “Will you hear the case, your Majesty?” Hec: “If you wish to-- say, ‘Proceed.’ If no, say, ‘On to the next.’” I/Ore: “Proceed.” Bai’s Voice: “The tenant may speak first.” Tenant: “Well, your Majesty, it’s like this. From the day I moved in, it’s been nothing but trouble-- broken promises-- the doors-- ” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bai: “Case number four!” Bai: “Case number fourteen! Will you hear the case, your Majesty?” I/Ore: “Proceed. Please-- rise. I promise-- you’ll get a fair hearing.” Epeius [Epe]: “I’m afraid, your Majesty.” I/Ore: “What are you afraid of?” Sold: “Your Majesty-- this wretch refused to pay his taxes, and the traditional punishment hangs over his head. Shall we do it now for your pleasure?” I/Ore: “No! Keep away from him. [Aside] What is the traditional punishment?” Hec [Aside]: “Either they sell him and his family into slavery, your Majesty-- or they kill him.” I/Ore: “Please, get up. You don’t have to kneel. What’s your name?” Epe: “Epeius, your Majesty.” I/Ore: “Well, Epeius-- why didn’t you pay your taxes? Especially when you knew the severity of the sentence?” Epe: “There’s nothin’ left to tax, your Majesty-- nothin’ left to take. Your brother and his men, they-- they eat our food-- use our land-- take my children into their service! They’ve-- they’ve left nothing for my wife and me. Now, you are the only one we can turn to. If-- if you choose to kill me, well, so be it. At least, I’ve had my hearing.” I/Ore: “I promise you won’t die. But I-- have to think about what you’ve said. In the meantime-- you and your family will be my guests, here at the palace.” Bai: “This is highly unusual, your Majesty!” I/Ore: “Those are my orders, Bailiff.” Epe: “Oh-- your Majesty. Oh, thank you, your Majesty.” I/Ore: “It’s all right. Show him to the palace quarters.” Epe [Whispers]: “Thank you.” Bai’s Voice: “Court-- is adjourned!” Nio: “If you wouldn’t mind-- I’d be pleased if you’d go walking with me.” I/Ore: “I thought I was a-- drunken-- degenerate-- womanizing-- ” Nio: “Don’t believe-- everything you hear.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Min: “Please-- I beg of you, Orestes-- give up the throne and let me rule.” Ore: “No.” Min: “Why are you acting like this? You never cared about being king.” Ore: “I do now. I-- I fear for our father’s kingdom under your-- pathetic-- rule.” Min: “You’re just like him. You both think I’m inadequate. Well, look at me now, Orestes.” Ore: “I’m not impressed. If I can’t live like a king, I might as well-- die like one.” Arc: “Well, that can be arranged. But you don’t have to watch, your Majesty.” Min: “I tried to save you.” Arc: “Time for a little more med’cine [sic].” Py: “Let me help you , Sire.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I/Ore: “Is what Epeius says true? Does Minos really abuse his subjects like that?” Nio: “You should know how little tolerance your father had for the powerless. He always thought the people would be appeased if we got married. But I was hoping to tell you a few ideas that I’d come up with-- not that I thought you’d listen?” I/Ore: “I’m listening, now.” Nio: “All right, then. People everywhere deserve certain basic rights-- and it’s our job to make sure they keep them.” I/Ore: “Well-- what if I revoke the old tax laws-- and give peasants the same rights as landowners? That way, they could meet-- uh-- air their grievances and obtain justice. It’d be taxation-- but with representation for everybody.” Nio: “Becoming king has changed you so much. I really can’t believe it.” I/Ore: “Are you glad?” Nio: “Of course I am-- for Attica-- ” I/Ore: “For Attica.” Nio: “And for me. I’m glad too.” I/Ore: “Are you?” Nio: “Yes. I’d resigned myself to a marriage without love. You know, several of the stories also claim you’re a terrible kisser.” I/Ore: “Well, you know, uh-- last time we kissed-- we almost lost the chance of a royal heir. But-- I’ve been practicing.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Min: “You didn’t have to do that!” I: “Why not? You were gonna kill me.” Min: “No, I wasn’t.” I: “Sure.” Min: “Orestes is dying. I never wanted to hurt him. I just wanted to be king. But Archias is poisoning him.” I: “Then you better stop Archias.” Min: “But I’m afraid of him.” Min’s Voice: “If he can kill Orestes, he can kill me too. And the troops that protect his fortress are loyal to him, not me.” I: “OK. Here’s what we’re gonna do.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I: “You’ll know I’ve been successful if the drawbridge opens. Then you can rush the castle. If it doesn’t open, don’t risk it.” Y: “Why not?” Hec: “Because he’ll be dead, you idiot. I don’t like this. If you don’t succeed, I lose both my kings.” I: “Oh, you’ll have a king-- I promise.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT IV] I: “Hey, guys!” Sold: “Halt! Uh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I: “Hi, guys. Hey, you know what? It’s a beautiful night outside. You should get out and enjoy it.” Sold: “How did you get out ’a your cell?” I: “No, no. I’m still in there.” Solds: “He’s not lying. Look.” “Huh?” I: “It’s simple.” [Fight] Ore: “Who is it?” I: “It’s your humble cousin, Cousin. Come on.” Ore: “How did you get past the guard?” I: “We gotta get you outta here.” Arc [Laughs]: “There’s only one way the two ’a you are gettin’ outta here. And that’s _dead_!” [Duel] I: “You always so melodramatic?! Orestes, stay there!” Arc: “Don’t slip now, little man!” Ore: “He can’t talk to me like that. I’m the king.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Arc: “Ahh, not bad. Ready?” I: “I just got that shirt!” Arc: “It’s nice.” I: “Ow!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Arc: “You’re the most annoying little insect that _ever_-- crawled up the leg-- of a titan! Now! You! Are! Dead!” I: “Not till I teach you some manners! Missed!” Sold: “Hey!” Min: “Orestes!” Ore: “I never thought I’d see the day!” Min: “I could get used to this!” Ore: “Maybe we should try it again, sometime! No-o-o!” Min: “Maybe I was-- good for sum’in’ after all. Farewell, my brother.” Arc: “So sorry.” I: “Going down!” Arc: “Not without me.” I: “Ow.” Arc: “You’re getting angry, aren’t you?” Nio: “Orestes?” I/Ore: “Yes?” Ore: “Yes?” Arc: “Now, I’ve gotcha!” Hec: “Iolaus!” I: [Yells] Arc: [Yells] I/Ore: “Throw down your weapons. Now! My royal patience is running out!” Nio: “Help! He’s hurt!” I: “Hector-- get him to the palace healer. He’s been poisoned.” Nio: “You’re not Orestes-- are you?” I: “I wish I was.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lin: “I’m sorry that men like you don’t become king.” I: “If men like me were kings, the world would be full of royalty.” Hec: “No, my friend, there aren’t many like you. You’ve been our greatest king of all. It’s been an honor to serve you. I wish it were forever.” I: “Thank you. Wait a second. Aren’tcha coming in?” Hec: “No-- his Majesty wishes to see you alone.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ore: “Niobe and I would like to express our gratitude to you-- Iolaus.” I: “I was glad I could be of help.” Ore: “You did more than help. You healed our kingdom. And you taught me the value of family..” Nio: “Attica has never seen anyone like you.” Ore: “I just hope I can rule-- with the wisdom you displayed.” I: “I-I’m sure you will-- your Highness.” Ore: “Orestes.” I: “I’ll try and remember that when I’m back this way.” Ore: “Is there nothing we can do to convince you to stay?” I: “No. I’ve-- got a friend waiting at the Delphi crossroads.” Ore: “I’m sorry, I-- I haven’t got the strength to see you off. Niobe-- would you?” Nio: “I’d be glad to.” Ore: “Till we meet again-- Cousin.” I: “Goodbye-- Orestes.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nio: “It’s strange saying farewell-- to the man I thought I married.” I: “You’re lucky to have Orestes as a husband, Niobe.” Nio: “Yes-- I know. Was it all an act?” I: “It was the only way I could convince Archias, uh-- ” Nio: “I’m not talking about that, Iolaus. I’m talking about-- you and me-- and what I thought we felt for each other.” I: “No. No, it wasn’t an act.” Nio: “Then there’ll always be a place in my heart for you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I: “Hi.” H: “Hi. What happened to you?” I: “Well-- ” H: “No, tell me later. Uh-- I think it’s a good idea if we got up and-- left here, now. Just-just-- went. Just got out of here-- ” I [Interrupts]: “Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa. What’s the problem?” H [Panting]: “Well-- you know that-- obsessed maiden I had to go talk to?” I: “Yeah?” H: “Well-- she, uh-- is obsessed.” Maiden: “Hey-y-y-y-y-y-y--y!” [Yells] H: “Whoa! See?” I: “Yeah.” Maiden: “Oh, Hercules! Oh! Oh! You can’t run from me forever! Oh, I’m going to make you mine if it’s the last thing I do!” H: “This has to stop!” Maiden: “No! No! Oh, I love you! I love-- !” H: “You don’t love me! You don’t even know me!” I: “You! Miss! You must stop this behavior, immediately. How can you admit you love a man-- who says he can’t love you back?” Maiden: “Oh, but-- !” I: “If you wanna find true happiness, you must return to your village-- and seek a man-- whose love equals yours.” Maiden: “Oh, no, no, but-- !” I: “Go! Seek him.” Maiden: “Yes, your lordship.” H: “Uh-uh-uh. Whoo! How did you do that?” I: “You’ve never seen my royal touch [Sniffs]-- have you?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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