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TRANSCRIPTION OF HTLJ
MONSTER CHILD IN THE PROMISED LAND


“Monster Child in the Promised Land”  Episode 43/306

[TEASER]

Klepto [Kle]:  “You guys are makin’ me nervous, you know that?
Too much hostility in the air, and it’s directed at me.”

Bluth [In Background]:  “-- excuse for a-- ”

Kle  Why?  I mean, that’s what I don’t understand.  I mean--
wh-wh-why’s everybody pickin’ on me?!”

Bluth:  “Everybody’s not _picking_ on you, Klepto!  _I_ am!”

Kle:  “I stand corrected.  It was a _bad_ choice of words.  What
I meant to say was-- ”

Bluth:  “Ya _said_ ya could handle a team of horses-- and they
ran _away_ with you.  Ya said ya could use a cross-bow.  And you
shot Linus in the butt!  What I wanna know is-- what _are_ ya
good for?!”

Kle:  “OK?  O-OK, s-since ya asked-- uh, I’m much better at the
subtle stuff.  I mean, you give me a pocket to pick or a shop to
lift, and I am _solid_ gold.”

Bluth:  “Ya moron!  I’m not tryin’ to be subtle.  I’m tryin’ to
conquer as much of Greece as I can.  Now get out!”

Kle:  “Yeah, but my nimble fingers-- ”

Bluth [Interrupts]:  “Out!”

Kle:  “I’ll _prove_ I can help you.  I-I-I don’t know how I’m
gonna do it, b-but I _will_!  I swear.  I’m not kidding!”

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Woman’s Voice:  “Phaedra, come back here!”

Phaedra [Pha]:  “Iolaus!”

I:  “Hey  Hey!  Hey-hey!  Whoo-hoo!  Where you goin’?  There you
are.”

Woman [Interrupts]:  “Thank you.  Thanks very much.”

I:  “It’s OK.  What?!”

H:  “Caught you.”

Man’s Voice [In Bacground]:  “Right over here, please.”

I:  “Herc-- if a pretty girl is like a melody, I’m-- there to
sing the song.”

H:  “That’s-- not what I meant.  I saw the look in your eyes with
those kids.”

I:  “Yeah.  You know?  I have got a great life, but, uh--
sometimes-- I can’t help thinking I’m missing out on something.”

H:  “Hmm.”

I:  “Pretty wife-- kids-- debts.”

H:  “Well [Chuckling]-- take it from me.  [Normal Voice]  It’s
all worth it.”

Messenger [Mes]:  “Hercules!  Hercules!  Important message for
Hercules!  Hercules!  Important message for Hercules!”

I:  “Uh [Clears throat]-- excuse me.”

Mes:  “Ah-h-h!  Hercules!  There ya go.”

I:  “Thanks.  Um-- do you want me to sign for this?”

Mes:  “Not necessary, Hercules.  I know who you are.”

I:  “Good.”

H:  “Oh, no, no.  Go on there-- ‘Herc’-- open it.”

I:  “It’s a boy!”

H:  “What?”

I:  “Typhon and Echidna have had a baby boy!”

H:  “You’re kidding!”

I:  “No”  [Laughs]

H:  “Oh, that’s-- that’s great-- news.”

I:  “You all right?”

H:  “Yeah, yeah.  Uh-- Iolaus, I-- I’ve got to go see them.  It’s
the least I can do after-- ”

I:  “Yeah.  Come on.  I’ll go with you.”

H:  “Good.  I could use the company.”

I:  “Sure.  Oh!”

Kle:  “Ex-- cuse me.  No.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Really-- I’m
sorry.”

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Echidna [Ech]:  “A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!  Get out of my ho-o-ome!”

Archer [Arch]:  “How dare you defy Hera?”

Ech:  “I owe her nothing!  All my other children died for her!
This one will not!”

Typhon [Ty] [Softly]:  “Sh-h-h.  Careful not to wake Obstetrius.”

Ech:  “If that baby starts crying-- you’ll wish you were
_anywhere_ but here.”

Ty:  “Doesn’t pay to make Echidna mad.”

Arch:  “Very well.  But Hera wants your son fighting for her
greater glory.  And what Hera wants-- Hera gets.”

Ech:  “Be go-o-one!  Typhon-- is the little one all right?”

Ty:  “He sure is, sweetie.  You’re all right, aren’tcha little
fellow?”

Ech:  “Aw-w-w-w-- he is so adorable.  Yes, he is.  Oh, yes, he
is.”

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[ACT I]

I:  “I wonder what this child of Typhon and Echidna looks like.”

H:  “Hmm-- I guess he’ll be cute-- the way babies are.”

I:  “Uh-h-huh?”

H:  “What?”

I:  “No, cute, no-- like-- like the Hydra?”

H:  “Well-- ”

I:  “And the Symphalian bird.”

H:  “Yeah.”

I:  “And the She-demon.”

H:  “Enough, already!  Now, Echidna was different back then.  Now
that she’s got Typhon around, she could never stay in a bad
mood.”

I:  “Hoo-- hope the baby feels the same way.”

H:  “You never told me the baby’s name.”

I:  “It’s Obvious.”

H:  “What is?”

I:  “No, its name-- Obvious.  Uh-- Ob-- hang on, I-- I’m just
gonna check it ‘cause I had it written down.  Where’s it gone?!
I had it here!  Where’s it gone?!”

Kle:  [Snickers]

I:  “I had the announcement on a piece of paper right here.  It’s
gone!  I can’t believe-- !  That little guy from the village-- he
picked my pocket!”

H:  “You don’t-- have any pockets.”

I:  “It’s a figure of speech.”

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Men’s Voices:  “Take that-- !”  “Knock him a good one!”

Woman:  “May I help you?”

Kle:  “A mug of your _finest_ swill, my lovely.”

Man’s Voice:  “Out of my way!  That’s my seat!”

Bearded Man:  “Are you lost, sheep dung?”

Kle:  “Heh-heh-- no.”

Bearded Man:  “Lookin’ for a fight.”

Kle:  “Mm-mmm.”

Bearded Man:  “Then you must have come to steal our women.”

Kle:  “Oh-- ho-ho-- no.  Please-- your women are-- much too
beautiful for me.  Though-- I would like to help you protect
them.”

Bearded Man:  “Protect them from who?”

Kle:  “That’s-- ‘Whom’.  The two men coming this way.  One is
_big_ and the other is-- not.  They’re both trouble.”

Bearded Man:  “Trouble is my middle name.”

Kle:  “Oh-h-h-h, but these two turn into _rabid dogs_ at the
first sign of-- of-- of beauty.  They’ll foam at the mouth, and
do unspeakable things just to have their way with your women.
That’s a good year, huh.  Why, there was once a-- a humble weaver
who tried to protect a woman from Glaucus-- and the big one--
_bit_ his ear off!”

Bearded Man:  [Moans]

Kle:  “Oh-ho.  Lis-- it’s a true story.”

Bearded Man:  “Yeah, well my ear’s stayin’ right where it is.
But this big guy’s nose is gonna get punched through the back of
his head!  Isn’t it?!”

Men’s Voices:  “Yeah!”

Kle:  “Oh-- I-I-I don’t think I wanna watch.  The sight of blood
makes me faint.”

Bearded Man:  “Then you better hit the road-- ‘cause we’re gonna
paint this place with their precious bodily fluids.”

Kle:  “Yes, sir-- bodily fluids.  Hit the road, sir.  Right away.
Thank you.  Thanks for your time.  OK.  Good bye.  Let’s get
_outta_ here-- ”

Driver:  “Such a strange man.”

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-------------------------------

Ty:  “Echidna!  Look!  Look at Obie!”

Ech:  “Don’t drop him.”

Ty:  “Oh, you know I won’t, love muffin.  Why so glum?  That bad
lady’s not going to come back.  You scared the patooties out of
her.  Didn’t she, Obie?”

Eck:  “Then it will be someone else, Typhon.  When it comes to
evil, the mother of all monsters is always in demand.”

Ty:  “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that in front of the
little one.”

Ech:  “I can’t help it.”

Ty:  “Ha, ha, ha, ha.”  [Laughs]

Ech:  “Oh, you little rascal-- and you, big rascal!”

Ty:  [Laughs]

Ech:  “I love you two sho [sic] much-- it curls my tentacles.”

Ty:  “You know, Echidna-- I think he’s got your eyes.”

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I:  “Boy, I’m _so_ hungry, I could eat-- raw fish and seaweed.
Ah, smell that, Hercules.  Venison, freshly-baked bread.
[Sniffs]  Body odor-- ”

H [Sighs]:  “You know what?  I-- I think we’ll be leaving.  Sorry
for the intrusion.”

Bearded Man:  “What’s the matter?  Don’t you wanna bite our ears
off?”

H:  “Boy, did we pick the wrong place.”

Bearded Man:  “Or did you just come to steal our women?”

Men’s Voices:  “Yeah!”

I:  “What women?”

Woman:  “That little fellow never said they were this cute.”

Bearded Man:  “That tears it!  Kill them!”

H:  “For being cute?”

[Fight]

I:  “Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!  See?  Sneakin’ up behind me!
Ah-h!  Ah-ah-ah-ah!  Whoo-hoo!”

Man:  “Ah-h-h-h-h-h!  Ah!  Ah-h-h-h!”

H:  “Uh-- ladies?”

Man:  “Ah-h-h-h-h-h!  Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!”

Woman:  “He’s so gallant.:”

I:  “Uh-- tastes like boiled cat.  Herc, behind ya.”

H:  “Uh-- aren’t they tired of fighting-- yet?”

Woman:  “Oh-- we ain’t here to fight.  Let’s get ‘em, girls.”

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Kle:  “This is as far as I’m going.”

Driver:  “Whoa, there, who-o-o-o-oa.  You know who lives here?
Don’t you?”

Kle:  “Oh-h-h-h, I sure do.  Echidna-- the mother of all
monsters.  And her husband-- that-- giant they call Typhon.”

Driver:  “Well-- keep him on your side, because Echidna-- I don’t
know how much lonter she can stand being nice.”

Kle:  “Well-- thanks very much for the advice.”

Driver:  “Just make sure Echidna doesn’t have you on a cracker,
boy.  Chk-chk.  Come on.”

Klep:  “Happy trails!  Hello?”

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-------------------------------

Kle:  “Hello?  Anybody home?  Echidna?  Typhon?  Hello?  I love
what you’ve done with your cave-- .  Look, I-- I-I I’m--
who-o-o-oa!”

Ech:  “_You_-- don’t belong here!”

Kle:  “Yes, I do!  Yes, I do!  I’m Klepto!  Hercules is busy,
wiping out a warlord, so he sent _me_-- to check on your baby.
Look what he gave me!  Look!”

Ty:  “Wasn’t that nice of Hercules, Obie?”

Ech:  “All right.  You can stay-- but _just_ for a little while.”

Kle:  “No!  No!  No!  No!  No!  No!  What a-- beautiful baby!”

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[ACT II]

I:  “Herc?!  I think we lost those crazy women!”

H:  “Ah-- finally.”

I:  “Ya know?  There was no reason for a fight.”

H:  “Yes, there was.  Somebody’s tryin’ to slow us down.”

I:  “Because of Echidna and Typhon?”

H:  “Or their baby.”

I:  “Why you so worried about him?”

H:  “Well, because I keep thinking about the battles I had with
their other children.”

I:  “Hercules, they were monsters!  They wanted to kill you!”

H:  “But, they would have been different if they hadn’t tasted
blood.”

I:  “Oh.  So now we have to make sure the baby doesn’t.”

H:  “That’s right.”

I:  “I wish he was mortal.  Herc?!”

H:  “Huh?!”

I:  “Just slow-- down!”

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Kle:  “Nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
Lo-lo-lo-la-la-la-la-la.  B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b!
La-la-la-lee-lee.  Nee-nee-nee-nee.  Nee-nee-nee.  Don’t touch
me, you little creep.”

Obie:  “Grrrr!”

Kle:  “What a loving child.  Hey, Obie-- watch this.
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m.  Amazing, huh?  But, it’s got to be the right
ear.  You see?  If I try it with the left one?  Nothin’ happens.”

Ty:  “I’ve got to remember that.  It’s the right ear, huh?”

Kle:  “Yeah.  Only the right ear’s magic.  Na-a-a-a!”

Ech:  “He’s so good with the baby.”

Ty:  “I know.”

Ech:  “I think Obie like you, Klepto.  [Yawns]  Excuse me.  I’d
forgotten how tiring it is to take care of a baby.”

Kle:  “Aw-w-w-- sounds like you could use a _nap_, Echidna.
[Chuckles]  Go on.  I’ll keep Obie entertained.”

Ech:  “All right-- just for a little while.”  [Yawns]

Ty [Whispers]:  “She always was a good sleeper.”

Kle [Softly]:  “Wouldn’t you like to join her?”

Ty [Softly]:  “Oh, I’m not tired.”

Kle:  “Oh-h-h-h.  Come on-- Typhon.  No-- I’ll bet you’re feeling
drowsy, aren’t you?  Don’t fight it.  [Slowly]  Just let those
eyelids get heavy.”

Ty:  “You’re silly.  I can’t even feel my eyelids.  But I’ll tell
ya what I _would_ like to do.  I’d like to go outside.”

Kle:  “You mean it?!”

Ty:  “Yeah!”

Kle:  “Sh-h-h.  Sh-h-h.”

Ty [Softly]:  “Uh-- yeah.  You know-- just to breathe some fresh
air-- and have a little bit of what I call-- ‘Time for Typhon’.
You know, a few minutes to yourself can be a special treat.”

Kle [Whispers]:  “I know exactly what you mean.  Go ahead.  Be my
guest.”

Ty:  “Well, aren’t you nice?  Now, Obie?  You behave yourself,
little buddy.  Daddy’s gonna go for a walk outside while Momma
takes her nap.  I’ll bring you back a bug-- ”

Obie:  [Giggles]

Kle:  “Oh-h-h-h-h-- you guys are too easy.  All right, little rug
rat-- come to your Uncle Klepto.  Sh-h-h.”

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Bluth:  “All right, then-- the village is ours to plunder.
Anybody who thinks otherwise-- kill-- !”

Men’s Voices:  “Huh?”  “Who are they?”

Bluth’s Voice:  “Hera’s archers, you idiot.”

Bluth:  “Who told you you could come in here?”

Arch:  “Hera.”

Bluth:  “Is that right?  What’s on the old girl’s mind?”

Arch:  “Not the reverent type, are you, Bluth?”

Bluth:  “Oh-- she knows who I am!  Be still, my heart!”

Arch:  “That’s quite a mouth you’ve got.  Let’s see if it’s still
working when I tell you that Echidna’s had a baby-- and that Hera
wants you to kidnap it.”

Bluth:  “What’s in it for me?”

Arch:  “Oh-- the kind of power that being a monster’s master can
bring you?  And the kind of wealth that only such power can
provide.  So, is that reason enough for you to fight the mother
of all monsters, Bluth?”

Bluth [Whispers]:  “The best I ever heard.”

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H:  “Typhon?”

I:  “Typhon?!”

I and H:  “Typhon!”

Ty:  “Hercules!  Iolaus!  Well, you got here fast!  Boy, you guys
are the greatest.”

H:  “Where’s the baby?”

Ty:  “Oh, with Echidna.  Well-- actually, she’s taking a nap.
Your little friend is baby-sitting Obie.”

I and H:  “Little friend?”

Ech’s Voice:  [Screams]

Ty:  “Echidna?  Ooh!  I’ve got to stop doin’ this.”

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H:  “Echidna!  What’s wrong?!”

Ech:  “My baby’s gone!  I can’t find him anywhere!  I knew
chasin’ away Hera’s head archer-- wouldn’t help.”

H:  “Hera’s after your baby.”

Ech:  “Yes-- but she had nothing to do with kidnapping him!  It
was that friend of yours!”

Ty:  “Klepto?”

H:  “I’ve never heard of him.”

I:  “No, neither have I.”

Ech:  “But he had the birth announcement that _we_ sent _you_.”

Ty’s Voice:  “He even _showed_ it to us.”

I:  “Klepto.  He picked my pocket!”

Ech:  “You don’t have any pockets!”

I:  “It’s a figure of speech.”

H:  “How did Klepto get your baby out of here without  you seeing
him?”

Ty:  “He must have tricked us.”

Ech:  “I’ve lost another baby-- I just know I have!  I’m never
going to see my little Obie again!”  [Cries]

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Kle [Hums]:  “Wha-ho!  Careful there, junior.  Gotta get you to
Bluth in _one_ piece.  Won’t think I’m such a small-timer then.
Shut up!  Would you put a cork in it?!  Somebody’s gonna _hear_
you!  Oh-- you don’t like me?  Well-- big deal, because _I_ don’t
like you, either!  Now-- button your lip!  Hey, wait a mintue.
You didn’t-- ?  [Sniffs]  At least I won’t need a shovel.  Uh-h--
no leaks, either.  So what’s the-- ?  Ah-h-h-- _I_ know what it
is-- you’re hungry.  Well, let me tell ya somethin’ kid--
breast-feeding isn’t an option!  Nature didn’t give me the proper
equipment.  Oh!  Enough already!  Uh-- I had to kidnap a baby
with leather lungs.  Uh-- rotten luck!  Pretty fast tentacles!
You ever think about pickin’  pockets!  Uh-h-h-h-h.  [Sighs]
Well-- I finally found out how to shut you up, didn’t I?”

Obie:  [Passes gas, then Sighs]

Kle:  “That sounded like it came with a surprise.”

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H:  “Everything’s gonna be all right, Echidna.”

Ech:  “But my life is filled with so much pain!  No mother should
have to lose as many children as I have!”

H:  “I know, and I’m-- sorry.  I-- feel responsible.”

Ty:  “You don’t have to say that, Hercules.”

Ech:  “Yes, he does!  Because it’s true!”

Ty:  “Honey, I was just-- ”

Ech [Interrupts]:  “The only living thing _you_ should be
worrying about _right_ now-- is Obie!”

Ty:  “I am, baby-- you know I am.”

Ech:  “No!  The only thing I know is that my life won’t be worth
living-- until I can hold my baby again.  And if he dies!  I‘ll--
ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!  I’ll let myself rot away in Middle Earth.”

Ty:  “Echidna!  Echidna!  Oh, no.  Now I’ve lost my wife, too.”

Ech’s Voice:  “Find Obie!”

H:  “Iolaus and I will bring him back.”

I:  “You have our word.”

Ty:  “What about Echidna?  It’s not safe down there.”

H:  “He has a point.  If anyone should be saving a child for
Echidna, it’s-- me.”

Ty:  “Well, I’m going with you.”

I:  “Um-- you know what?  Uh-- uh, I think _I_ should go.  I
mean, Herc and I-- we’re-we’re like a team-- like-- thunder and
lightning-- flesh and bone-- Abbotus and Costellocles.”

Ty:  “Hercules?  That’s my boy out there.  I’ve got to do what
_any_ father would do.”

H:  “OK.”

I:  “I’ll go and get-- Echidna.  Happy hunting.”

H:  “Same to you.  Come on-- Obie’s waiting for us.  Oh, and--
don’t forget to duck on the way out.”

Ty:  “Right.”

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Kle:  “Don’t think you’re eating any of this, you little wart.
This is my reward for pushing your lead bottom all over the
countryside.  Are you clear on that?  Hmm?  Are you?  Hey!  Where
you goin’?!  Get away from there, you crazy little geek!  Don’t--
!  Great.  Well?  There goes my ticket to the big time.”

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[ACT III]

Kle:  “Well, I hope you can fly, kid; otherwise, that was a
_really_ rotten idea.  You’re not funny, you know that?!  Pullin’
a stunt like this!  You steal the joy from my greatest
accomplishment!  Oh-- pipe down and grab my hand!  Cut that out!
Grab my hand.  Come on!  Oooh!  Knock it off!  What are ya tryin’
to do?!  Kill me?!  Come on!  Oh-- I got one thing to say to
you-- calamari.”

Obie:  “Ah-h-h-h-h-h!”

Kle:  “Don’t push it, kid.”

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Ty:  “All Echidna and I want is the chance to make sure Obie
grows up the way none of our other kids did-- polite-- and
hard-working and-- peaceful.”

H:  “Well-- you’ll get your chance, Typhon, but you’ve gotta be
patient.”

Ty:  “Patient.  Right.  But as soon as I get my hands on that
filthy kidnapper-- pow!  Right in the kisser.”

H:  “Will you let _me_-- worry about Klepto?  You concentrate on
Obie.”

Ty:  “Ah, you know something?  You’re right.”

H:  “Hmm.”

Ty:  “What’s ’a matter, Hercules?”

H:  “Well, it looks like a rainstorm must have blown through here
and washed away their tracks.”

Ty:  “Well, that’s not good.”

H [Sighs]:  “It’s not getting any better.  The road divedes up
ahead.”

Ty:  “Oh, no.”

H:  “You go left.  I’ll go right.”

Ty:  “Right.  I-- I mean, left.”

H:  “Uh-uh, b-but Typhon!  If ya find them, don’t do anything
foolish.  Y-ya call for me-- or ya come and get me.”

Ty:  “OK-- if I can.”

H:  “No-no ifs.  N-now, that’s your baby out there and we wanna
bring him back in one piece.”

Ty:  “Gotcha.  Left-- right?”

H:  “Yes.  Uh-uh, T-Typhon!  Watch out for that-- !”

Ty’s Voice:  “Oops.”

H:  “-- tree.”

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Man’s Voice:  “Please.”

Thug’s Voice:  “Give me your money or I’ll have your head!”

Kle:  “Ah, pilgrims-- ”

Thug’s Voice:  “Hand the dinars over, now!”

Kle [Interrupts]:  “-- and that starts with ‘P,’ and that stands
for ‘Ea--sy _pickin’s_.”

Thug:  “Hey, Klepto!  What are you doin’ here?!”

Kle:  “Well, one might ask the same of you.”

Thug:  “Huh?”

Kle:  “I’m on my way to see Bluth.”

Thug:  “With a baby.”

Kle:  “Hello-o-- it’s not _my_ baby-- it is Echidna’s.”

Thug:  “What have you been smoking?”

Kle:  “Oh, I’m serious.  Look for yourself.”

Thug:  “Mother of mercy!”

Kle:  “Believe me now?”

Thug:  “Yeah.  Yeah.”

Kle:  “Come here, my slimy little friend.  Oh-h-h, yeah.  Then go
tell Bluth I’m bringing him a _little_ bundle of joy-- one
that’ll help him conquer as much of Greece as he wants.”

Thug:  “Sure.  Right.  Right away.”

Kle:  “And tell him I’m ready for the big time, too!”

Pilgrim:  “What a disgusting little creep.  Put a bag over his
head!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Only a mother could love that.”

Kle [Interrupting]:  “Hey-- I’m the only one who can talk to him
like that.”

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I:  “Boy, how did she ever get-- ?  Echidna?  Echidna, is that
you?”

Ech:  “Go away!”

I:  “This is no time for you to be alone.  Echidna-- you all
right?  Echidna?!  Hercules and Typhon asked me to look after
you.”

Ech’s Voice:  “No!  Stay away!”

I [Sighs]:  “How did I get this job?”

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Thug:  “Bluth!  Bluth!”

Bluth:  “You’re late!”

Thug:  “You won’t say that when I tell you about Klepto!  He
kidnapped Echidna’s baby!”

Bluth:  “Klept?”

Arch:  “He must be insane.  Bluth, get rid of this madman.  He’s
slowing us down.”

Thug:  “But I saw the kid!  He’s an ugly little freak.  Had all
these slimy arms, and he kept sproutin’ new ones.”

Arch:  “Where was he?”

Thug:  “Pilgrams’ camp-- near the bend of the Ebros (sp?) River.

Arch:  “Bluth, take my archers there and _get_ Echidna’s baby.
And don’t fail me.”

Bluth:  “What about you?”

Arch:  “I’m gonna find out if Echidna has finally realized that
she’s better off fighting for Hera.”

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Kle:  “Nothin’ up my sleeve?  Hmm?”

Obie:  [Laughs]

Kle [Chuckles]:  “OK-- watch this one.  This one is _always_ a
good one.  Da-da-- da-da-dee-- dee-dee-deedeedee--
dee-deedeedee-dee-- dee-dee-- ah-h-h!”

Obie:  [Blusters]

Kle:  “Now this one-- _kills_ ‘em in Carthage.”

Obie:  [Laughs]

Kle:  “Are you all right?”

Obie:  [Laughs]

Kle:  “You know something?  You’re not bad-- for a
crumb-cruncher, that is.  Not that I’m gettin’ soft in the old
melon or anything, but-- it’s true-- if I had to choose between
you and that rude pilgrim back there-- I’d take you  in a Nemean
minute.  Oh-h-h-h-- that’s a good little guy.”

Bluth:  [Groans]

Obie:  [Screams]

Kle:  “Hi.”

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Ech’s Voice:  “Not one step closer!  I’m warning you!”

I:  “Echidna-- why are being like this?  Look-- Hercules and
Typhon have-- probably got your baby back already.”

Ech:  “Don’t patronize me!  I’m _not_ a child!”

I:  “Hey-- you know?  Hercules and I risked our necks to get you
and Typhon back together.  Now, we’re tryin’ to make sure you
don’t lose your baby.  So, come on!  I’m on your side, all
right?!  Or would you rather just kill me?!”

Ech’s Voice:  “No”

I:  “Good.”

Ech [Sighs]:  “I’m a monster.  Monsters don’t have friends-- only
Typhon.  I’m just so worried.”

I:  “You know?  You really shouldn’t be alone-- down here-- at a
time like this.  Let’s go back, huh?”

Ech:  “Thank you, Iolaush [sic].  Thank you.”

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-------------------------------

H:  [Clears throat]

Kle [Sniffles]:  “If you’ve come for Obie-- you’re too late.”

H:  “What do you mean?”

Kle:  “Bluth took him.”

Ty:  “You let somebody kidnap Obie-- after you’d already
_kidnapped_ him?”

H:  “Typhon-- we need to get some answers here, first.”

Kle:  “I-I’m really sorry.”

Ty:  “You can be sorry all you want.  I’m still gonna see how far
I can throw you!”

Kle:  “Save me!”

H:  “Typhon!  Don’t!”

Ty:  “But I-- it-- !”

H:  “Hurting Klepto won’t save your baby.”

Ty:  “You’re right, Hercules.”

Klep:  “Whoa!”

Ty:  “But what will?”

H:  “Me.”

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-------------------------------

[ACT IV]

Ty:  “Go faster!  Ya baby- stealer!”

Kle:  “Hey, if I had legs as long as yours, I would!”

H:  “Take it easy on him, Typhon.”

Ty:  “Why should I?  The little weasel took Obie away from
Echidna and me.”

Kle:  “Look-- I-I wish I’d never done it, all right?!  Just bein’
around him really-- it-- really kinda got to me.  He’s really a
great little guy.”

Ty:  “Well, maybe you’re nicer than I thought.  But I _still_
don’t think we’re gonna get Obie back!”

H:  “Don’t worry-- we will.”

Ty:  “Well, I hope we find him soon-- because if _he_ gets a
taste of blood-- he’ll turn bad just like all the other kids we
had.  And, you know?  That’s _just_ what Hera wants.”

H:  “I know, and-- Bluth works for Hera.”

Kle:  “And he’d do anything, and I mean-- _anything_ to please
her.”

H:  “Then maybe you should do what Typhon wants you to do.”

Kle:  “I know.  Faster!  Faster!”

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Ech:  [Cries]

I:  ““Here you go.”

Ech:  “Thanks.  I’m sorry.  I’m usually stronger than this.”

I:  “Echidna?  You have _nothing_ to apologize for.  _Any_ mother
would be upset.”

Arch’s Voice:  “How touching!”

Ech:  [Screams]

Arch:  “The mother of all monsters showing her sensitive side.”

Ech:  “Yo-o-o-o-o-u!  You have my baby, don’t you?!”

Arch:  “Well, it’s nice to see that grief hasn’t stopped your
mind from working, Echidna.”

I:  “Last time I saw you, you were popping like a balloon.”

Arch:  “I won’t make _that_ mistake again.”

Ech:  “Look out!  You shouldn’t have _done_ that.”
 
Arch:  “Guess again.”

Ech:  [Squawks]

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Bluth:  “You disgusting little creature!  Look at those
disgusting teeth!  You’ll be a killer yet!  Use your anger!  No
telling how vicious he’ll be by the time I’m _through_ with him!
I _love_ it!  Would you look at that?  The way he’s growing--
he’ll be the biggest monster ever!  And the only masters he’ll
ever serve-- are Hera-- and me!”

H:  “Wrong.”

Bluth:  “Who are you?”

Kle:  “This is Hercules, you moron.”

Bluth:  “Hercules, huh?  Don’t you ever get tired of trying to
spoil things for Hera?”

H:  “Every boy needs a hobby.”

Bluth:  “I suppose you’re not gonna tell me what you did to my
guards.”

H:  “They’re considering new careers.”

Ty:  “I want my baby back.”

Bluth:  “Forget it!”

Ty [Sighs]:  “No!”

Kle:  “Maybe we should come back another time.”

H:  “Sorry, Klepto-- there’s no time like the present.”

Bluth:  “Wanna bet?!”

Kle:  “_I’m_ dead.”

Warriors:  “Ho.”  “Show him.  That’s it.”  All right!”

[Fight]

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-------------------------------

Ech:  [Squawks]

Arch:  “You’re not going anywhere.  Hephaestes made those bolos.”

Ech:  [Squawks]

Arch:  “Scream all you want, Echidna.  The _only_ way you can get
free is to pledge your loyalty-- and your son-- to Hera.”

Ech:  “I’d rather _die_!”

Arch:  “I think that can be arranged.”

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-------------------------------

Bluth’s Voice:  “Kill Hercules, now!”

Archers:  [Scream]

Bluth:  “Get him!  First blood!  Kill him!”

Obie:  [Yells]

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Ech:  “My son will _never_ fight for your cause!”

Arch:  “You’re wrong!  He’ll never fight for any other!  Give it
back.”

I:  “Yeah?!  In your dreams.”

Ech:  [Squawks]

Arch:  [Screams]

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Bluth [Whispers]:  “Death to the son of Zeus!”

Ty:  “Obie!  No!”

H:  “Now listen to me, Obie.  We shouldn’t-- be fighting.  We
should be freinds-- just like I’m friends with your mom and dad.”

Bluth:  “Don’t stop!  I-it’s a trick!”

Ty:  “Obie-- be a good boy.”

H:  “Listen to your dad, little guy.  Come on.  He’s the one
who’s right.  [Sighs]  OK, that’s enough.  That’s a good little
boy.”

Bluth:  “All right-- then I’ll kill _both_ of ya!”

[Fight]

Kle:  “Herc!  Over here!  I’ll catch him!”

H:  “Can’t risk it!”

Ty:  “You really care.”

Kle:  “Yeah-- I do.”

Obie:  “Ah-h-h-h-h!”

Bluth:  “Hera sends her best!”  [Screams]

H:  “Tell Hera-- her best wasn’t good enough.  Welcome back.”

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Ty’s Voice:  “Honey, we’re  home!”

Ech:  “We?”

I:  “That’s what he said.”

Ty:  “Here’s Obie!”

Ech [Squawks]:  “Oh, Obie!  O--bie!  I missed you _so_ much, my
little precious one!  My, how you’ve grown!”  [Squawks]

H:  “Looks like you were busy.”

I:  “Well, you know what they say?  ‘Busy hand are happy hands.’” 

Ech:  “What is _he_ doing here?!”

Kle:  “Well, I-I just wanted to say that I was-- that I’m sorry.
Y-you know?  In-in person.”

Ty:  “He means it, honey.  He helped us get Obie back.  And he
learned to care about the baby.”

H:  “It’s true, Echidna.”

Kle:  “I-- I really grew fond of the little guy.”

Ech:  “Well-- in that case-- come on over.”  [Squawks]

I:  “What is going on here?”

H:  “Every parent’s dream-- finding a baby-sitter.”

I:  [Laughs]

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