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“Les Contemptibles” 54/317 [TEASER] [NB: Unless indicated otherwise, all lines are spoken in a cheesy French accent.] Francois [Fran]: “These last two weeks, since we met at the Louvres, have gone by so quickly.” Lady Marie [LM]: “For me too, Francois.” Fran: “I want no secret between us.” LM: “Nor I. You have something to tell me?” Fran: “Something-- that could put both our lives in jeopardy.” LM: “Huh! A yellow rose-- the calling card of-- ” Fran: “The Chartreuse Fox.” LM: “You-- are that infamous traitor?” Fran: “I prefer the term, ‘patriot’.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sold: “Hip-hop, hip-hop.” Gerard [Ger]: “Attention! Halt!” Claude: “Whoa!” LM: “Why are we stopping, Claude?” Claude: “It’s the police, Mademoiselle.” Fran: “Was it a mistake to tell you?” Ger: “You, in the carriage, step out now! I command it! Lady Duvall.” LM: “Capitain Gerard. Uh-- why was I stopped?” Ger: “My apologies. I did not recognize your coach. We are seeking the Chartreuse Fox.” LM: “Ahh.” Ger: “Are you travelling alone?” LM: “I am with-- my father-- uh, but he is not well.” Fran: [Coughs] Ger: “What is wrong with him?” Fran: [Coughs] LM: “I-- I don’t know-- consumption?” Fran: [Coughs] LM: “Perhaps-- the plague! Uh, would you like to see him? Papa!” Ger: “No, no, no, no-- that is not necessary. Please-- proceed.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- LM: “Tell me, Dear Fox. Why do you risk your life for peasants too stupid and lazy to fend for themselves, huh? Fran: “I believe, in every man’s heart, there is a hero.” LM: “But not-- a peasant?” Fran: “Even a peasant heart can be noble! They wait for just one, as that Chartreuse Fox, to rouse the hero from within!” LM: “Oh, you could do that? Turn a-- lowly peasant into a hero.” Fran: “Given the resources, yes.” LM: “Even for a man as daring and heroic as yourself, that would be quite a feat, no?” Fran: “Are you challenging me, Ma Cherie?” LM: “It would make an interesting wager, oui.” Fran: “Ohhh-- and what would we bet?” LM: “I believe you have seen my collateral.” Fran: “Ohhh! Now what?! What is it this time?!” Claude: “The man is hurt, Monsieur!” Jean Pierre [JP]: “Oh, please, help me! Help me! Ohhhhh! Oh! Oh! Monsieur, merci beaucoups most kind-- merci.” Fran: “What do you want?” JP: “Hah! I-- am Jean Pierre-- highwayman-- extraordinaire! Give me your money!” Fran: “Merci! You have rescued us! Whoa! Ah-ah!” Robert [Rob]: “I am Robert-- also highwayman extraordinaire. Give _moi_ your money.” JP: “Idiot!” Rob: “Huh?” JP: “What are you trying to do?!” Rob: “What?!” JP: “What are you trying to do?!” Rob: “What?!” JP: “You almost killed me! Killed me!” Rob: “OK!” JP: “All right, then!” Rob: “Hey!” JP: “What?!” Rob: “Hey!” JP: “OK! Now, then!” [Fight] Fran: “Can you give me any raison I should not run you through on the spot?” Rob: “Uhhh-- I can not think of one, no.” Fran: “OK.” LM: “Huh! Francois! This is the _perfect_ opportunity-- ” Fran: “Quoi?” LM: “Our bet? Peasants into heroes?” Fran: “You’re right-- they are perfect. _I_ will turn them into heroes! Or they will die trying [Laughs].” Rob: “Jean Pierre.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT I] Fran: “Bon. Now, just listen to me; then, if you’re not convinced, I pay for your time and you’ll be free to go.” Rob: “Pay us?” Fran: “Ah-- oui. I have sold all my worldly possessions to support the cause.” JP: “What cause?” Fran: “Um-- we get into that later. This is all I have left.” JP: “Hmm! You look as if you are flat broke. Hmm!” Fran: “Oh! This chateau belong [sic] to my cousin. I am just, uh-- visiting.” Rob: “It can not hurt to listen, Jean Pierre, huh?” JP: “What?” Rob [Normal accent]: “I said, it can’t hurt to listen.” Fran: “That’s the spirit! Tell me-- what do you know of the ancient Greeks?” JP: “Uh-- they liked-- olives?” Rob: “They are-- all dead.” LM: “Uh-- they were very-- progressive. Let me tell you about them. They were a noble society-- with lofty ideals-- and a dedication to mankind’s-- higher self.” Fran: “Oh, yes, there was, of course, that. But I am talking about different ancient Greece! I am talking of a place that saw a champion of the common man emerge as the hero of his time. And that hero was-- Hercule!” Rob and JP: “Who?” [Bad guy: “Who are you, anyway?” H: “Hercules.” Bad guy: “Hercules?”] [I: “Oh, uh-- now, wait a minute, Hercules. Aren’t we headed-- ?” Woman: “You’re Hercules?”] Fran: “Hercule possessed towering strength and compassion. He never ignored a cry for help.” [Himner: “Yo! Hey! I’m one of the good guys!” H: “You are?” Himner: “I’m Himner, of Cernea. I’ve come to ask your help!”] [Man: “Are you Hercules?! A hundred of us were sent to find you!” H: “Bring him water. You’re safe here. Where are the rest?” Man: “Dead-- all dead.”] [Woman: “Help! Help!”] Fran: “The people had a friend to turn to in times of need.” [Woman: “A warlord named Attillus, has captured our village, on the other side of the valley! We need your help!”] [H: “No! We spill no more blood!”] Fran: “A friend who solved problems, not with brute force, but with tact and diplomacy.” [H: “Freedom-- is more precious than revenge. And you will-- set them free, won’t you?” Man: [Clears voice]: “Sure.”] [X: “Go on-- finish it. Prove you’re the greatest warrior.” H: “Killing isn’t the only way of proving that you’re a warrior, Xena-- and I think you know that.”] [H: You may have been my mentor, but-- no one ever had a better father.” Centaur: “It was my pleasure.”] [Man’s Voice: “Guard [?]! Keep those buckets coming!”] Fran: “In the face of danger, he was there, never surrendering hope.” [Fire scene-- lots of screaming and yelling, most of which is indecipherable.] Fran: “At times like these, when no common man could get the job done, it was _Hercule_ to the rescue!” [I: “OK! Come on! Get out! Get back! Come on! Get back! Get back! Come on!”] [Man: “Hercules-- Hercules, we owe you a debt of gratitude, that can never be repaid.”] [Woman: “Hercules-- I had you wrong. You are a living legend-- and a hero in the true sense of the word.” H: “I just try to help people the best I can.”] [I: “To heroes!” All: “To heroes!”] Fran: “His life was a testament to bravery and honor. Hercule was a hero for the common man. He gave hope and promise.” LM: “I had no idea he was so-- impressive.” Fran: “To free the downtrodden of France! We must all become the heroes!” LM: “You’re not listening!” JP: “Ow!” LM: “You are foolish and lazy. You stink-- not worth trying to save.” Fran: “Allow me to show you what makes them this way, Ma Cherie. I think you will see-- they are good. Gentlemen! Are you hungry?” Rob and JP: “Sure.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sold: “Mon Capitain!” Ger: “The attack on the armory-- it was the Chartreuse Fox. Here is his signature. More weapons stolen, to be used by those treacherous dogs against us! I find certain, the Fox was here in Troyes. Finally, I have him within my grasp. We shall meet yet, Monsieur Fox. This I swear.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Woman’s Voice: “Fishcakes!” LM: “Oh! Francois-- these peasants are revolting.” Fran: “Yes-- they throw off the shackle of oppression.” LM: “No, I mean they are disgusting.” Fran: “Oh, yeah, that too.” Croissant: “Ah, bonjour. Je m’appelle Croissant-- les meilleurs crepes du monde. Vous avez faim, hmm? Nous avons du poissons, du calamare.” JP: “Yeah, ca suffis, huh? Can you not say it in plain French?” Croissant: “Oh, hmm-- hello, I am Croissant, and I sell here the best seafood crap in all of France.” LM: “Do you have any-- specials?” Croissant: “Ah--for you-- catch of the day-- crepes!” LM: “Oooh! What _is_ that?” Croissant: “Well, if I knew what it is-- that’s what I call it. You want some, or not?” LM: “Uh! Uh!” Rob: “Have we met?” LM: “How can you live like this?” Rob: “I-- like, uh, what?” JP: “You think we have a choice?” Fran: “You see why I have chosen to fight for these less fortunate? It is like-- Hercule helping the mortals. Life would lead people down the wrong path, Hercule was _there_ to turn them around.” JP: “Who?” [Daedalus: “Why can’t people just leave me alone to do my work?” H: “Because what we do-- whatever it is-- affects everyone around us. Is this how you want to honor Icarus’ memory? By building weapons of destruction.”] [Warlord: “I don’t care what Hercules thinks. But your next machine-- better not fail.” Daedalus: “Oh, no-- there won’t be a next one. I’m going to dismantle it right now!”] Fran: “Hercule’s friend, Daedalus, had invented the Megalith for peaceful purposes. But the evil oppressor turned it into a weapon of mass destruction.” [Daedalus: “No, noooo!” Woman: “You leave him alone!” H: “Let’s see what this silly nutty thing can do.” Warlord: “Time to fry, big man.”] Fran: “C’est magnifique.” Rob: “Oui.” LM: “Is the heat of heroism starting to burn within you, Robert?” Rob: “Oui.” LM: “Is it-- hot, or is it just me?” JP: “It’s very hot.” Rob: “It is hot.” Man: “Madame-- you dropped your, ah-- .” LM: “Stop it!” Rob: “Huh?” Man: “You dropped this.” LM: “Ah.” Rob: “Oh.” JP: “Allez! Up!” LM: “They’re after you!” Fran: “They’re after me?!” JP and Rob: “They’re after us!” Rob: “Just for the halibut!” Croissant: “Catch of the day-- crepe-- recently fresh--hmm? Oh, la-la.” LM: “Ohhh! Ohh! What was in these barrels?” Fran: “You _don’t_ want to know.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT II] Ger: “Sacre’ bleu. But, of course. This was dropped by the Chartreuse Fox during the attack on the armory. I have my proof. Prepare the men.” Sold: “Oui, mon Capitain.” Ger: “Now-- we shall see who is sly, my dear Fox.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Fran: “All right, begin. Hercule inspires the comon man. They could not be gods; but they could be heroes. And so can you.” JP: “Wait! I agree! D’accord! I’m an hero! You’re an hero! You can be an hero, too! Now, give us the money you promised.” Rob: “Oui.” LM: “Oh! And if he gives it to you, how long will it least, huh? A month? A week?” Rob: “Who cares? It’s now that is important, non?” JP: “Oui!” Fran: “She’s right, mon ami. The money will be gone-- and you will still be poor.” JP: “Oui! But I will be _rich_-- for a while!” Fran: “Oh, Jean Pierre-- you’re silly, confused, deluded! You don’t know that greed for material can lead to a wealth of trouble! But Hercule, he did!” [Auto: “Well, this place certainly has a lot of, uh-- character.”] Fran: “Hercule’s friend, the self-professed King of Thieves, could hardly believe his eyes.” [Auto: “Oh-- the fates have been kind. I’ve died and gone to Olympus. Will you look at all this!” H: “Keep your voice down.” Auto: “Why, you and I could clean out this whole place in a couple of days, Hercules.” H: “Would you desert a castle and leave all this behind?” Auto: “What are you getting at?” H: “Whatever drove these people away-- did it in a hurry-- and it’s still here.” Auto: “Don’t be ridiculous. Nothing’s lived in here for centuries. Hah-hah. Maybe-- ‘ridiculous’ wasn’t the right word.” H: “Back up slowly.”] Fran: “Autolycus’ greed had led them into the lair of the serpent. And, again, Hercule faced impossible odds!” [Auto: “Ooh! If it doesn’t eat us, it’ll kill us with its breath. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oooh! Oooh, boy! You are good! I think we scared it.”] Fran: “Vanquishing a never-ending parade of monsters was all in a day’s work for our hero.” [Sal: “Wow!” H: “Don’t go anywhere.”] Rob: “Those are just stories. We-- live in the real world. If you are born poor, you die poor.” LM: “It does not have to be that way.” JP: “Why do you care if we are more or less miserable?” LM: “You’re right. Before I heard of the Chartreuse Fox, I did not care. Now I will give all that I have to bring freedom to the people of France.” JP: “Even if he did exist, all you have given us so far is words.” LM: “Is money all that has meaning to you? I will prove that I care about the Revolution. If proof is money-- then you shall have it.” JP: “She’s getting something.” Fran: “What is it? Gold? Money?” JP: “Something in a bag-- I cannot tell.” Rob: “Well-- I guess we did it-- non?” Fran: “It was-- brilliant-- even Herculean, huh? She’s completely convinced I am the Chartreuse Fox!” JP: “C’est magnifique!” Fran: “Hah-hah!” JP: “This is the greatest moment of our despiccable, criminal careers!” Rob: “Oui! To us!” JP: “To us!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT III] Fran: “Oh, la-la-la. She completely believes that-- [sings] I am the Chartreuse Fox [laughs]. All I need is one more tale of heroism. You two swear allegiance to the Revolution and to me. Lady Marie gives us her very last _franc_ for the Revolution.” JP: “Then, we hide it with the rest of our stash-- and disappear! Aw, Robert-- I have to salute you. This scheme of yours-- it is magnifique!” Claude: “Allez!” Rob: “Here she comes.” Fran: “Oh. Very good, mes amis. Prepare for the coup de grace.” Rob: “Hmm. Francois?” Fran: “What ‘Hmm’? This is no time for, ‘Hmm, Francois’.” Rob: “I was-- thinking about Hercule-- and the Greek philosopher-- ” JP and Fran: “Oh-- ” Fran: “-- no.” JP: “Brother.” Rob: “Aristotle said, ‘Plato is dear to me, but dearer is the truth.’” JP: “Meaning-- ?” Rob: “Maybe, what we are doing is wrong.” JP: “Uh!” Fran: “No, no, no! Nobody gets hurt, but the _rich_.” Rob: “I don’t know. It _just_ does not feel right.” JP: “Robert-- do not _blow_ this for us.” LM: “I have returned-- with a token of my sincerity. This brooch has been in my family for-- oh-- centuries.” Rob: “You, uh-- have nothing to prove.” LM: “Ah-ah-- but I do-- for myself. This will help bring relief to those who suffer at the hands of the aristrocracy.” Fran: “This certainly will ease our pa-- their pain.” JP: “My pain!” Fran: “No, my filthy friend! You must make decision! Are you going to return to a life of crime, or are you going to join forces with the Chartreuse Fox and the Revolution?!” JP: “Well, now, let us think. Either, we take your money, and go on with our lives, or-- we join forces with a fictitious hero against an unbeatable foe. Uh!” Rob: “That is a tough one, OK?” Fran: “Hercule have [sic] a tough decision, too. [?] sacrifice all that makes him invincible-- to devote himself to the one he loved-- Serena, the last of the golden hinds.” Rob and JP: “Who?” Fran: “Serena was half woman and half deer-- a product of two worlds, yet, not fully of one-- much like Hercule. And he lost his heart to her.” [H: “That is still a miracle to see.” Serena: “When you’re the last of your kind, sometimes a little miracle helps to survive.” H: “Um-- I’ve-- come to ask you-- to marry me.”] [Ares: “To allow this marriage to take place, the gods have decided that you-- must make a small sacrifice. They want you to surrender your strength-- your power.” H: “It wouldn’t stop me from helping people. You can’t take my heart.” Ares: “Oh, that is a pity. But I suspect your fervor to aid mankind might diminish once reality sets in. So! What’s it to be?! You lose her? You lose your powers? This is a limited-time offer. You need to choose now.” H: “I choose Serena.” Ares: “I win.” H: “No! I win!” Ares: “Oooh-- nothing like a brotherly embrace.” H: [Screams] Ares: [Laughs]] [H: “We ask the force-- that created the sun, the earth-- ” Serena: “-- to bless this union-- make us one-- inseparate-- always.” H: “Always.”] Fran: “True heroism comes, not from power, but from a man’s heart and courage.” Rob: “I will join the Chartreuse Fox.” Fran: “Vive la Revolution! For liberte’! Egalite’! Fraternite’!” Rob: “No. For-- the lady.” JP: “I would have said it first, but he beat me to it.” LM: “Well, Francois, you won your bet.” JP and Rob: “Bet?!” LM: “We-- wagered-- that you could find the hero within you both. He did.” Fran: [Clears throat] LM: “To you both-- I present your champion: patriot, revolutionnaire, and a really nice man-- “ Fran: “Oh.” LM: “The Chartreuse Fox!” JP: “You?!” Fran: “Oui-- I am the Fox.” Rob: “I _told_ you he was real, huh?!” Fran: “Very good! Put me down! Thank you! Merci! Ho-ho! All right! Now, that we are one, we must _find_ a way to _finance_ the Revolution. To free all of France will be expensive.” LM: “My driver-- is on his way with my family fortune. I will give it all to you.” Fran: “Yes.” Rob: “It’s too much; you must not.” Fran: “Your generosity will be remembered by those who _struggle_ for freedom.” LM: “Hmm-hmm-- it will be our Honeymoon.” [Rob, JP, and Fran whisper among themselves.] LM: “Oooh, mon Dieu-- it is the soldiers. You have been discovered. Hurry! Inside the trunk! Shh! Be quiet until they’ve gone.” JP: “Ow! Would you _move_ your knee?!” Rob: “I can’t. There’s a sword in my back-- at least, I hope it’s a sword.” Fran: “Be quiet! Keep still! Someone is coming.” LM: “I told you! There’s nobody here! You must be mistaken [?]. Please! You are making a terrible mistake!” JP: “Did they go?” Rob: “I think so. Oh, no. I think the lid is stuck.” JP: “Oh! Marie!” Fran: “A little help! S’il vous plait.” JP: “Where-- is Marie?!” Rob: “Where are the soldiers?” Fran: “Where is our loot?!” JP: “She has _tricked_ us!” Rob: “Wait. Ahh. Outfoxed-- by the fox.” Fran: “What do you mean?!” Rob: “This.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT IV] LM: [Laughs] Ger: “Seize it!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ger: “Halt! Please to step outside, Mademoiselle. Lady Duvall.” LM: “Capitain Gerard.” Ger: “We meet again.” LM: “What is it, this time?” Ger: “I believe-- you dropped this-- at the armory two nights ago.” LM: “Claude!” Ger: “In the name of the king, I place you under arrest!” LM: “What is the charge?” Ger: “The charge, my Dear Fox-- is treason!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Fran: “Oh, this is just great. Now, I never get my money back.” JP: “Your money?” Fran: “Our-- I meant to say our money-- our-- ” JP: “Well-- don’t forget that. Come on; let’s go.” Fran: “I’m right behind you.” Rob: “You are going to abandon her?” Fran: “Uh-- yeah.” J: “Right.” Fran: “That’s what we’re going to do. Yes, that’s right.” Rob: “Perhaps, I’m nothing but a [douce-- ne’ Cardigan?] of life-- but there comes a time-- when one must do the right thing.” JP: “Like what?” Rob: “Like saving her.” Fran: “Oh, I knew it. He is in love.” Rob: “It is not that. It is what she stands for. She has fought for the rights of the oppressed-- for people like us.” Fran: “She’s surrounded by guards.” Rob: “Ah-- and what would Hercule do in a situation like this, huh? JP: “Hercule-- that is it! He has gone out of his mind!” Fran: “Oh, poor Robert-- the stress, the heat. He has, how you say? Freaked out!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ger: “The Chartreuse Fox, Lady Marie Duvall, has been found guilty of treason. The penalty-- is death.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Fran: “We should go down there immediatement, and commit suicide.” JP: “Oui-- d’accord. We should take on the entire army for that blue-blooded woman, who has just stolen our last franc-- you bet.” Rob: “It is the only way-- to get our money back.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ger: “Any last words?” LM: “Vive La France. Vive La Revolution!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Fran: “Perhaps, I wait over there!” Rob: “Don’t panic now, Francois.” Fran: “This isn’t panic! I only like fights that are choreographed! This is too much the real thing!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ger: “Let this be a warning for all those who would defy the king!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- JP: “Ah! It’s too late!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- JP: “Hah! Nice shot!” Rob: “Merci.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- LM: “Oh. Merci.” Ger: “Seize them!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [Long fight scene ensues throughout] Rob: “Jean Pierre!” JP: “Merci! Deja vu?” Rob: “It does seem familiar.” JP: “Alors! (sp?)” Rob: “Bonjour.” LM: “Oh. Salud.” Rob: “You need help, monsieur. Hah-hah. I was kidding.” Fran: “C’est la mer. [Screams] Oh, I don’t like this. Ah, pas mal.” Fran: “Oh-oh! Alouette, gentile alouette. Alouette, je te plumerai (sp throughout). Oh! That hurt so much!” LM: “Robert!” Ger: “Au revoir, Fox.” Rob: “No! Is like Hercules, no?” LM: “Oui.” Ger: “Two heads for the price of one.” Rob: “I’m back.” LM: “Merci.” Rob: “But of course, Mademoiselle.” Sold: “There they are!” Rob: “Uh-oh.” Ger: “I will enjoy this, my Dear Fox.” LM: “Only if you enjoy defeat, Gerard.” Fran: “Ohhh! Look! A franc! Thank you, my friends.” Rob: “My pleasure.” JP: “Shall we, uh-- help her?” Rob: “No-- It is her fight, now.” Fran: “That’s true.” JP: “OK.” Rob: “Good, non?” LM: “Capitain!” Ger: “Oh! Not the face! Please-- make it quick.” LM: “No-- I will do even better. Your shame will be to live-- and to spread the message-- that the Chartreuse Fox will fight for the people-- as long as there is injustice in France.” Rob: “Pardon.” Fran: “But, of course.” Rob: “Oooh.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Fran: “Merci. Merci, beaucoups. Isn’t that nice? Well, not really, but-- ” LM: “I-- didn’t get a chance to thank you.” Fran: “If you want to thank us-- give us back our money.” LM: “Oh! No, no-- no. Francois, it is the people’s money, now. Ah, but don’t worry, we’ll survive.” Rob: “We?” LM: “You are coming with me, are you not?” Rob: “Try and-- stop us.” LM: “Ah! Jean Pierre!” Rob: “Well! One for all, and all for Marie-- huh? Francois?” JP and LM: “Francois.” LM: “Hey, come here. Come here. Francois.” JP: “So-- what are we going to call ourselves?” Rob: “What about, uh-- robber hoods? We rob back from the rich and give to the poor-- huh?” Fran: “It is too English.” JP: “Oh! I know! Hey, uh! How about-- the powerful rangers?!” Fran: “No. Aw-- this is it! This is it! Now! Imagine a banner-- our portraits shown in profile-- gothic block letters across the top. And it say?! The four muskrats! Muskrats! What?! Why?! What?! What?! Why?! It’s cute! It’s cute like a fox! It’s furry! It’s friendly! What’s the di-- ?” You’re kidding about the money, right? It’s a joke. You’re going to give us our money back, aren’t you?”
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