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“Reign of Terror” Episode 55/318 [TEASER] Salmoneus [Sal]: “Ow! Ow! [Whimpers] I don’t believe this! Here I am, on the verge of one of my biggest deals! The Augean stables manure concession. I get attacked by crazed flying insects!” H: “Salmoneus-- it’s just a bee sting. It won’t kill you.” Sal: “How do _you_ know?! What if I’m allergic? I could swell up and die!” H: “I have to admit, that does look pretty swollen.” Sal: “I happen to be big-boned.” H: “Hmm. Look-- maybe Palamedes can help us. I hear his daughter studies medicine.” Sal: “Now, you’re tallking! I could _use_ some professional help!” H: “No argument there.” Sal: “Oh. Ah! It’s starting to throb.” H: “Well, I’m not gonna touch it for you.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Men’s Voices: “Get that tapestry down! You!” “Got it.” “-- the king’s command.” “Come on-- let’s pick up the pace-- and clear away those candles.” “That’s fine.” “Take that down-- be quick about it.” “Straighten that out. I’ll look at it-- ” Bearded Man: “This is crazy. Rededicating Aphrodite’s temple to Hera?” A Man: “What King Augeus wants-- King Augeus gets.” Aph: “We’ll see about that.” Bearded Man: “You know? Someone oughtta put that nutcase out of his misery.” A Man: “You keep talking about our king like that, and _both_ of us will hang.” Bearded Man: “I’m not afraid of _that_ wacko_-- or General Marcus.” Marcus [Mar]: “You two! Back to work! Less cackle-- more spackle! Why isn’t that statue of Aphrodite knocked down, yet?!” A Man: “To be honest, General-- we’re scared.” Bearded Man: “If Aphrodite finds out we destroyed her statue, our, uh-- love life could suffer.” Aph: “Better believe it, hammer-head.” Mar: “You won’t _have_ a life if that statue’s still standing when the king gets back.” A Man: “General Marcus-- we know King Augeus hasn’t been well, but-- he has to realize-- ” Mar: “Watch your mouth! Now, back to work! When I return, I wanna see her-- _on_ her back!” Aph: “Hey! You watch your mouth!” Mar: “Citizens of Elis--it would be unwise to forget-- that by the king’s command-- this temple _now_ belongs to Hera!” Aph: “Don’t bet on it.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- King Augeus [Au]: “My people-- I have good news. No longer are you to be enslaved by the land. I decree that, from this moment forth-- you’ll be free to live life as you choose-- be masters of your own fate-- anwering to no one. Now, go-- start your new life. Go. Go, go, go, go! I said, ‘Go!’ Go, go, go. Go.” [Laughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Palamedes [Pal]: “Here we are, my beauties! Sorry dinner is so late, but grain is getting scarce! The livestock’s gone!” Au: “Is there a problem, Palamedes?” Pal: “What’s happened to the livestock?” Au: “Ah-- I’ve decreed that all dumb animals should be set free!” [Laughs] Pal: “Could you tell me where they’re exercising their new-found freedom?” Au: “Who knows? It’s their choice.” [Laughs] Pal: “I have looked out for you since we were kids, Augeus. We have talked about this. You’re not supposed to meddle.” Au: “I can do whatever I like-- stablemaster! And I’m not-- Augeus!” Pal: “Ah. Ah.” Au: “I am Zeus-- king of the gods!” Hah! Hah!” [Laughs. Laughs. Laughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT I] Sal: “I can’t tell ya how much it would mean to me, to get your endorsement on this Augean stables manure.” H: “Salmoneus, I agreed to introduce you to the stablemaster-- that’s all.” Sal: “We’re talkin’ about one of your twelve great labors! This will immortalize you. Think of it-- your likeness on every sack of freshly-- ” H: “That’s not exactly the way I wanna be remembered.” Sal: “OK-- we lose the likeness. How about your signature-- in the corner?” H: “A meeting with Palamedes. That’s it.” Sal: “Aww. Ow.” H: “I wonder what’s going on over there.” Man’s Voice: “Antreus [?]! Come quickly!” Sal: “Ow.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- A Man’s Voice: “Oh-- man.” Sal: “Uh-oh.” A Man: “I told you we should’ve just knocked it over. Now, what do we do?” Bearded Man: “Oh, what does it matter? We’re just gonna melt it down, anyway.” Aph: “I’ll melt _you_ down.” H: “W-w-wait!” Aph: “Herc, what are _you_ doing here?” H: “I could ask you the same thing.” Aph: “I’m looking for King Augeus. That creep had the nerve to rededicate _my_ temple to Hera. I oughtta fry him like a fish.” Sal: “Um, Hercules? Huh-- who are you talking to?” H: “It’s, uh-- Aphrodite.” Sal: “Aphrodite-- what’s she wearing?” Aph [Giggles]: “Should I give him a cheap thrill?” H: “No-- ” Aph: “Hello, again, Stud-muffin.” Sal: “Hello again, voluptuous ones. Um-- last time we met-- you promised you’d rock my world?” Aph: “Uh-- you’re gonna have to rock it yourself, Baby-cakes. I’m on a mission. It boggles the mind-- Augeus dumping me for cow face.” H: “That’s the problem. See-- his mind is already a little-- boggled? I-I-- I don’t think he’s doing this out of spite.” Aph: “Well then, you better talk to him. If he doesn’t stop-- I’ll show him what spite is all about. Later.” Sal: “Oh, yeah-- I’m her Stuff-mutton. Hmm! She wants me like Charon wants coins.” Man’s Voice: “Yes, sir.” Sal: “Wait a second. That copper-- melting the-- Hercules-- how do you feel about commemorative coins?” H: “Salmoneus? Let’s find Palamedes.” Sal: “Nuh! A special offer! With every sack of manure-- a free Hercules coin! Maybe not free. Oh! Suitable for framing! Amaze your friends! Confuse your enemies!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “He’s not in the house. Palamedes!” Pal’s Voice: [Moans] H: “Palamedes-- what happened?” Pal: “Uh, Hercules.” H [?]: “W-w-wait! Take it easy. Take it easy.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Pal: “Hercules.” H [Chuckles]: “Welcome back.” Pal: “Who’s your friend?” Sal: “Salmoneus is the name-- manure is the game. I’d like to talk to you about the possibility--” H: “_Now_-- isn’t the time.” Sal: “Time is dinars, Hercules. From the look of things-- he might not have much-- I’m sorry.” H: “Palamedes, who did this to you?” Pal: “Ah, King Augeus.” H: “Huh?” Pal: “He thinks he’s Zeus. I caught one of his ‘lightning bolts’.” H: “Come again?” Pal: “He’s painted these rocks silver and-- guh!” H: “I-- get the picture. That explains the temple. He must think Hera is his wife. But, uh-- why are the stables empty?” Pal: “The poor fool wanted to free the livestock. We depend on those animals for food. I have to-- get after them.” H: “No, no, no, no, no, no, you-- rest. I’ll-- take care of it.” Sal: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. You mean every cow?! Bull?! Heifer?! Gone?!” H: “Don’t worry. I’ll bring them back.” Sal: “I hope so! No cow, no cow flop! I’ll be ruined!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Au: “Oh. Oh. It’s kind of-- late for a lunch break, isn’t it, General?” Mar: “When the people learned of your decision to-- free the livestock, they-- left the temple in protest.” Au: “And you just-- let them go?” Mar: “I couldn’t kill ‘em all.” Au: “Why not? Defying the will of Zeus-- is punishable by death.” Mar: “You-- your Highness, I-I-I appeal to you. Let the people return to the fields. The harvest is nearly lost, and now, without the herds, we may all starve!” Au: “What is-- this ‘Highness’ stuff?! Huh?” Mar: [Gulps] Au: “Oh, you doubt that I am Zeus?” Mar: “No, sire-- uh, uh-- mighty Zeus. All I want-- i-is what is best for the kingdom.” Au: “I decide what’s best. Now, assemble the troops. We’ll ride into the city after I speak-- with my queen.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Man’s Voice: “Now, we have to travel to the next village.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sal: “Ahh! Ooh! Uh.” H: “Bee sting still-- bothering you?” Sal: “A little. I don’t have time to think about that. I gotta get to that temple-- make a deal for the broken statue, and find a forge to melt it down.” H [Interrupting]: “Ah-ah-ah-ah-I would think twice before messing around with anything-- of Aphrodite’s. OK? Besides, I-- need you to keep an eye on Palamedes while _I_ go look for the king.” Sal: “Whoa, whoa! What happens if that wacko shows up here, huh?! Ahh! Oww! Ow-oww! Wha-- ?!” Melanippe [Mel]: “Sorry. Hercules.” H: “Uh-- Melanippe. Wow, you, uh, look, uh-- i-it’s been a while. Uh-- ” Mel: “Father? What happened?” H: “Oh, he had a run-in with the king.” Mel [Sighs]: “I was afraid something like this would happen.” H: “He’ll be all right. He’s just resting.” Sal: [Clears throat] H: “Oh-- uh-- by the way, this is-- Salmoneus-- and he’ll be staying here, while I go look for Augeus. Uh-- you’re studying medicine, aren’t you?” Mel: “Yes.” H: “Maybe you could take a-- look at his bee sting. See ya.” Mel: “So-- bee sting? Where is it?” Sal: “Oh-- it’s-- nowhere you could-- i-i-it’s not-- Ah! Ow-w! Ow-w! Ow-w! Ow-w! Ow-w! Ow-w! Ow-w!” Mel: [Giggles] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Au: “These people don’t understand how hard it is to run a universe! I’m surrounded by incompetents!” Aph: “Ex-squeeze me? If you’re lookin’ for Hera, you got the wrong address, Honey.” Au: “Who-- ? Oh. Aphrodite! Well-- if it isn’t Daddy’s little girl?” Aph: “As if.” Au: “Young lady-- if you expect to get the reins to the chariot tonight, you’re gonna have to wear something a little more-- presentable than that.” Aph: “Very cute, clueless. But I’m here to reclaim my temple.” Au: “Oh-- I’m sensing a little hostility in the atrium. I tell you what-- Daddy’s late for a town meeting. You behave yourself-- and when I get back, we’ll have a _nice_ long talk about it. OK? Ha-ha-ha-ha.” Aph: “Herc was right-- that guy is definitely two bunnies shy of a hutch. Now, hmm-- what _this_ place needs is just a little bit more-- me. Mmm-- much better.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Man’s Voice: “Say the word.” H: “The word-- is, ‘Don’t.’ Are you all right?” Grey Beard: “Yeah.” H: “What’s going on here?” Tall Man: “King Augeus ordered the old man killed to punish the people for abandoning their work at the temple.” H: “And you obey him?” Tall Man: “He’s the king-- we follow orders.” Au: “Ha-ha! Whoa! What’s the meaning of this?! Why wasn’t that man killed?!” Mar: “Great Zeus-- perhaps the arrival of your son-- Hercules-- forced a delay.” H [Aside to Mar]: “So, he really thinks he’s Zeus.” Mar [Aside to H]: “Humor him.” Au: “My boy! [Laughs] You’re looking-- well! Oh-- let’s say-- we toss the old lightning bolt around, once I’m done with this business, huh?!” H: “Ah-- I-I-I-I-you know? Maybe, uh-- some other time. I-- ” Mar: [Clears throat] H: “I-- actually, I-I’m-- _surprised_ that the king of the gods would stoop to killing a lowly mortal, just to-- make a point.” Au: “Oh. Perhaps you’re right, Son. I haven’t been feeling like myself, lately. Cease all extermination of the peasantry!” Mar: “Wise decision, King Augeus.” Au: “What did you call me?!” Mar: “Uh-- I-I meant-meant, ‘Zeus.’” Au: “Teach my general some manners.” H: “Oh-- come on, Augeus. This is ridiculous.” Au [Interrupting]: “Ahh! My son needs a lesson, too! Get them! Well, what are you waiting for?! Do you wanna lose _your_ heads?!” Men: “Ahhhhhhhhh!” Au: “Wait! All right!” [Fight] Men’s Voices: “Give it to him!” “Let’s bring him down!” Mar: “Have you forgotten about your general?!” Man’s Voice: “That’s the way!” Mar: “If you want a fight-- I’ll give you a fight!” Men’s Voices: “All together! We’ve got him!” “Grab him!” Au: “Ahhhhhhhhh! Will you speak with respect to your elders?!” H [?]: “Yeah!” Men: “You all right?” “Yeah.” “Come on. Let’s get out of here!” “Easy.” H: “Augeus-- what’s going on? This isn’t like you.” Au: “Ah. You’ll-- pay for this-- humiliation! Out of my way! I’m still king of the gods!” H: “Well?” Mar: “Augeus was always a bit off, but-- he was harmless, so people put up with his eccentricities. Lately, he’s got worse. Now, he’s downright dangerous.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Au [Screams]: “Look at yourself. Is that any kind of appearance for the-- king of the gods?! No wonder they don’t-- respect you. Ahhhhhh!” Hera’s Voice: [Laughs] Au: “Who-- who who are you?” Hera’s Voice: “Why, Zeus-- don’t you recognize your wife?” Au: “Hera? Is that you? My queen?” Hera’s Voice [Laughs]: “Throw it.” Au: “Th-- throw it?” Hera’s Voice: “How does it feel to possess that kind of power?” Au: “Good-- real good.” Hera’s Voice: “The powers are yours to keep-- but on one condition-- you must kill Hercules by sunset.” Au: “So be it.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT II] Man’s Voice: “You did it!” Pal: “We can’t thank you enough for returning the livestock, Hercules.” H: “Well, I’m glad I could help out.” Bearded Man: “Hercules-- ” Man’s Voice: “There’s mutton for dinner tonight!” Bearded Man: “Uh, can we have a word?” H: “Sure.” Bearded Man: “Um-- we-- have a request.” H: “OK.” A Man: “We-- want you to kill the king.” H: “I can’t do that. I know you have a problem, but that’s no way to solve it.” Bearded Man: “You saw what he did to Palamedes, and-- the old man at the well, and-- next time, somebody could die.” H: “Augeus is still a human being, and not-- totally responsible for his actions, and [Sighs]-- look, I’ll-- speak to him on your behalf. Maybe, I can persuade him to step down.” A Man: “I hope so. Because if he refuses-- the people are ready to revolt.” Sheep’s Voice: “Baaaaaaaaah.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “You’re looking happier.” Aph: “I got my temple back looking the way it should.” H: “It’s important to have one’s priorities in order.” Aph: “Mm-hmm.” Pal: “Hercules.” H: “Hey, Palamedes. Shouldn’t you-- be at home resting?” Pal: “The villagers have asked me to talk to you. They have a problem.” H: “Uh, I know, I know. They want me to kill Augeus.” Pal: “Actually, it’s-- Aphrodite they’re angry with.” Aph: “They wanna kill me?” H: “Uh-- this might not be the time to-- ” Pal: “For generations, we’ve worshipped her faithfully. But she’s done nothing to help us with the king.” Aph: “Uh.” H: “Maybe we should discuss this later. I-- ” Pal: “We’re all, ‘Give, give, give’-- and Aphrodite’s all, ‘Take, take, take.’ And then-- when we need her help-- she’s never around.” Aph: “Look, pal-- you people were ready to throw me over for Hera, and now you want _my_ help?! Forget it! I’m outta here!” Pal: “Ah-- that was Aphrodite?” H: “Oh, yeah.” Pal: “Don’t tell me she heard.” H: “Every word.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sal: “Ahhh-- excuse me.” Mel: “Mm-hmm?” Sal: “Uh-- could you hurry, please? I’m getting a nasty draft.” Mel: “This won’t take a minute.” Sal: “Very attractive.” Mel: “Salmoneus!” Sal: “I mean the bowl! It’s really nice work.” Mel: “Oh. It was made for me by a local craftsman for my birthday.” Sal: “Ahh! Ahh! Whoa! For a warm-hearted girl, you got some cold hands, there. Ah, ah. Ah.” Mel: “How does that feel?” Sal: “Ah-- that’s incredible. The pain is gone! Thank you. Oop. Ow! That’s cold. Has your friend ever tried to engrave something? Say, like a coin?” Mel: “I don’t know. Why do you ask?” Sal: “I have an idea that could make me-- him-- you, us-- a-all of us-- uh, together-- a lot of money.” Mel: “I’m not that interested in money. I just wanna help people.” Sal: “You’re so sweet. And you’ve led such a sheltered life.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Pal: “Aphrodite. My humblest apologies.” Aph: “Get up. I’m not gonna waste you. We have to talk. Uh-- can’t you _do_ something about this smell?!” Pal: “Oh, sorry, but, uh-- it is a stable.” Aph: “Whatever. Anyway-- those things you said about me to Hercules-- was that some sort of a bad joke?” Pal: “I can’t lie to you, Aphrodite. It was the truth.” Aph: “What are you people? Weirdos?! How can you hate the goddess of love?!” Pal: “No one hates you, Aphrodite. The people just feel you’ve neglected them, and-- to tell the truth-- you have.” Aph: “Let’s see you try to keep the whole world in bed and out of trouble.” Pal: “Well, you’re right. We probably expect too much from you. But maybe if you worried less about your temples and more about the people who worship-- oh, I’m sorry. I’ve offended you again.” Aph: “Yeah, but-- it takes a lot of guts to tell a goddess when she’s wrong. I respect that. Now, this smell-- I’m starting to gag.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Pardon me, have-- have you seen the king?” Man: “Heh? Mm-mmm.” H: “Thanks.” Pal: “Hercules-- any luck finding Augeus?” H: “No-- no one has seen him since he wandered off yesterday.” Pal: “Ah-- well-- if I know the king, he’ll turn up.” H: “Let’s check the village one more time.” Pal: “You know? When we were younger, he looked up to me like an older brother. It seemed like I was the only one who could reason with him. Now, I don’t think anyone can-- not me, not even you.” H: “Well, someone needs to talk to him.” Pal: “Yeah. Actually, I-- just had a nice, little talk, myself, with-- your sister. And a very lovely woman, I might add.” H: “Ah, most men would agree.” Pal: “I was-- referring to the beauty in here.” H: “Really? Well, then, you’re one of the few who’s bothered to get past her good looks.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Soldier: “General! Still no sign of the king, General.” Mar: “Keep looking. Recruit the townspeople if necessary, but-- find him!” Soldier: “Right away. Come on.” Mar: “I never should have let him go.” Au: “Miss me?” [Laughs] Mar: “Sire-- y-you’re-- all right!” Au: “Yeah-- fat lot you care! Standing by while my own son disgraced me?! You’ll pay for that.” Mar: “But, your High-- Zeus-- wh-what Hercules did to you was an accident!” Au: “What I do to him won’t be. Watch. [Laughs] Ahhhh-- it’s good to be-- king of the gods.” [Laughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sal: “It helps people to have beautiful things.” Mel: “He might not be interested. He’s a craftsman-- an artist.” Sal: “And I respect that. With the money he’s gonna make, he could open up his own gallery. What we do, see, is melt down Aphrodite’s statue.” Mel [Interrupting]: “Ho-ho!” Sal: “Whoa-ho, wait! It’s OK with her! It was broken, anyway. Mint the coins-- have your friend draw Hercules’ image on them. Hey-- could he do a charcoal rendering on a burlap sack?” Mel: “I’m not sure.” Sal: “How about forging his signature?” Mel: “Forgery?!” Sal: “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! It’s-- the wrong word. [Laughs] I meant-- an _interpretation_ of his signature.” Sal’s Voice: “Sorry!” H: “You guys all right in there?” Mel: “We’re fine!” Sal: “Yeah, we’re just discussing the economics-- and esthetic value of-- commemorative coins!” [Chuckles] H: “Yeah-- right.” Au: “Ah-ah-ah-ah. No dessert till you finish your vegetables, young man.” H: “Augeus-- uh!” [Fight] Au: “I’d hoped we could be one big, happy family. But for me to stay king of the gods-- Hera needs you dead by sundown.” H: “Hera, huh? Figures. That explains the backhand.” Mel: “Hercules?” Sal’s Voice: “Hercules, what’s wrong?!” Au: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!” H: “Palamedes, get out of here!” Pal: “What’s happened?! Where’s Melanippe?!” Au: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” Pal: “Uh!” Au: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Shmokin!” [Laughs] Sal’s Voice: “Hold on, Hercules, we’re coming! Hold on!” H: “Palamedes? Palamedes.” Mel: “Father!” H: “I’m sorry-- he’s dead.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT III] Sal: “Hercules? I don’t get it. How could Augeus throw real lightning bolts?” H: “Hera gave him the powers of a god. She wants him to kill me by sundown.” Sal: “Aphrodite?!” H: “Wait, you can see her?” Sal: “Yeah.” Aph: “This time, Hera’s gone too far-- giving that crazy king those powers.” Mel: “Please-- please, my father didn’t deseve this fate. You’re a goddess. Isn’t there something you can do to help him?” Aph: “I’m sorry. If you wanna marry a prince-- that I can do. But this is-- totally out of my league.” Mel: “How can you just let him die like this? After all we’ve done to honor you? Please. Please, can’t you bring him back?” Aph: “OK. Hades owes me one. I can call in a marker. But this is a one-time deal, you understand? This aura will keep his spirit from going to the other side. But it’s only good until nightfall.” Mel: “But there’s-- ” Aph: “I’m sorry. It’s the best I can do.” Sal: “Don’t worry. Hercules will find a way-- to bring him back. Won’t you?” H: “Yeah.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Aphrodite-- are you crying?” Aph: “Can’t a goddess have a little privacy?” H: “I didn’t realize Palamedes meant that much to you.” Aph: “He respected me-- for what he saw below the surface.” H: “Well, he’s a-- special man I’ve just never seen you like this-- at least, not over a mortal.” Aph: “Did you think I don’t have feelings? Maybe you don’t know me as well as you thought you did.” H: “Maybe not. I’ll leave you alone.” Aph: “What are you gonna do?” H: “I’m gonna see if I-- can find a way to revive Palamedes-- and-- stop Augeus before he destroys the whole kingdom.” Aph: “Maybe I can help. I could keep the king busy while you work on Palamedes.” H: “That’s a good idea.” Aph: “Just remember, that aura only works until sundown.” H: “What is it with gods and sundown?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Au: “This time-- right down the middle!” Soldier: “Sire!” Au: “For the love of me, what now?” Soldier: “The troops are ready to march on the city-- as you commanded.” Au: “Good. It’s time my subjects gave me the respect I deserve. I’m afraid they’re gonna have to learn the hard way-- like General Marcus, here!” Aph: “Daddy!” Mar: “Ahh!” Au: “Aphrodite? Shouldn’t you be at-- goddess finishing school or something?” Aph: “Expelled-- bad attitude. Actually-- I’ve been thinking, that with Hercules gone, we should _really_ be spending some more time together. So-- I’m moving in.” Au: “Moviing in?” Aph: “Mm-hmm.” Au: “Here?” Aph: “Mm-hmm.” Soldior: “Sire! The troops are waiting!” Au: “Ah-- tell ‘em to-- uh, stand down. You’re right, Kitten-- family comes first.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Artisan: “Lovely, aren’t they?” Sal: “You’re doing excellent work-- excellent. Now, as soon as you emboss the rest of these-- the market for commemorative coins will be [Snaps fingers] open.” Artisan: “Speaking of which-- when am I gonna be paid?” Sal: “Keep your tunic on! I’m good for it. I’m a little short of cash right now. Um, how do you feel about taking manure in trade?” Artisan: “You gotta be kidding, right?” Sal: “Kidding?! This is no ordinary manure! I’m talkin’ about the stuff Hercules cleaned out of the Augean stables in his youth!” Artisan: “So-- you wanna pay me with-- cow dung?” Sal: “Cow du-- . I’m not talking about cow dung. This-- is a piece of history. This is the stuff of-- legends-- and gods.” Artisan: “Holy sh-- ” Sal [Interrupting]: “Exactly-- ya can’t put a price on something like this. And for your efforts, I’m willing to part with-- shall we say? Four bags?” Artisan: “You’re low-ballin’ me.” Sal: “Five bags-- my final offer.” H: “Salmoneus.” Sal: “Yeah.” H: “Have you seen that copper arm from Aphrodite’s statue.” Sal: “It’s over there. We melted it down.” H: “That’s all right. Thanks.” Sal: “Where are you going with that?!” H: “Don’t worry. It’s for a good cause.” Sal: “I paid good money for that!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Aph: “And then _she_ told me that she said that I never even said that, which is _totally_ not true. So I told Athena to tell Artemis that if she didn’t return the sandals she borrowed-- I was going-- oh!” Hera’s Voice: “Augeus!” Au: “Hera. Is there a problem-- my queen?” Hera’s Voice: “Hercules is still alive, you idiot!” Au: “Alive? Oh, no, no, no-- that’s impossible.” Hera’s Voice: “He plots your destruction while we speak! Why do you think _she’s_ here?!” Au: “Why-- are you here?” Aph: “Aw-- Daddy-- you have been enjoying our little father-daughter chats-- haven’t you?” Hera’s Voice: “She’s playing you for a fool!” Aph: “That’s not true-- entirely.” Au: “I’m afraid, Kitten, you give me no choice-- ” Aph: “You _always_ take her side! Uhhhh. Ahh!” Hera’s Voice: “This time, your son will come to you-- and I expect you to _finish_ the job!” Au: “Consider it done-- my queen. ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT IV] Sal: “Oohhhhhh! You sure this is gonna work?” H: “Nope-- but it’s worth a shot. I’ve seen lighning do a lotta strange things, and I’m hoping a strong enough blast might revive Palamedes.” Sal: “Uh-huh-- and you really think you can control lightning with a piece of copper. Old buddy-- you’ve taken too many blows to the head. And where do these lightning bolts come from? You gonna let Augeus stand there and throw them at you?” H: “Yeah. Excuse us. We need to get inside the temple.” Guard: “The temple is closed.” Mel: “Please, this is important.” Guard: “I’m sure it is-- but the only way _you’re_ getting inside that temple-- is over _our_ dead bodies.” Sal: “Uh, you might wanna rephrase that.” H: “They could use more training.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Aph: “Uh! Busted to prison guard. That’s a long drop from general.” Mar: “Aphrodite, please. I don’t wanr any more trouble.” Aph: “Oh? Well, then you shouldn’t be wearing this. Pucker up. Sorry about that. Are you OK?” Mar: “Never better.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sal: “I don’t mean to be a pest, Hercules-- but the last time I checked-- it was getting dark!” H: “We have to move him to the center of the atrium.” Sal: “What do you mean, ‘We’?” H: “Uh-- help.” Sal: [Moans] H: “It won’t-- budge!” Au: “How many times have I told those kids-- not to play in the temple!” Mel: “Hercules-- the sun’s almost down. Please, hurry!” H: “I’ve got it!” Sal: “Careful! The statue! “ Mel: “That was close.” Sal: “So was that!” H: “Yeah.” Au: “Daddy’s home!” [Laughs] H: “You guys keep your heads down!” Mel: “No problem.” H: “OK, Augeus-- hit me with your best shot.” Au: “Augeus-- oh-ho-- that’s it, young man. You are _grounded_.” Aph: “That tears it. We’re talking-- _big-time_ retribution now.” Au: “When you see Hades-- tell him _Zeus_ sends his best! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Aph: “Now, who’s grounded?” Mel: “Father!” Sal: “He’s alive! Alive!” H: “Augeus. Smoke-- stuff’ll kill ya.” Au: “Hercules. What are _you_ doing here? Oh-- I feel like I’ve been run over by a chariot.” H: “Actually, it was more like lightning, but don’t worry, I-- I know a good healer. Come on.” H: “Palamedes-- you’re back.” Mel: “Thanks to you. We can take care of him, now.” H: “Are you sure he’s up to it?” Pal: “I’m fine.” Mel: “And I’ll help out. Father and Augeus have been friends for so long, it’s almost like they’re family.” Au: “Palamedes-- thank the gods it’s you.” Pal: “Come on, Augeus-- old friend.” Au: “Actually, the name’s-- Ulysses. Perhaps you’ve heard of me. Huh? I’ve been thinking about having a little cruise around the Mediterranean.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sal: “Now, what’s the deal?” Man: “Three hundred dinars for this work of art.” Sal: “Not in this lifetime. [Laughs] Man: “But, it’s-- it’s an original.” Sal: “The nerve of some people.” H: “What now?” Sal: “These two guys from Milo-- trying to sell me that statue of Aphrodite. Do they think I was born yesterday? What good is a statue without arms? Aphrodite de Milo-- ” [Laughs] Aph: “He’s right-- they should fix it.” H: “I don’t know. I kind of like it. By the way, I-- never got to thank you.” Aph: “For what?” H: “For putting that-- aura-- around Palamedes, giving us a chance to revive him.” Aph: “You’re the one who did all the work. I never would have come up with that lightning idea.” H: “Well, you helped out a-- little bit there, too.” Aph [Laughs]: “Yeah, I did, didn’t I? We work pretty well together, big brother.” H: “That we do. And I got to see a side of you I’ve never-- seen before.” Aph: “Really? Which side is that?” H: “Ah, your _in--side_. And I liked what I saw. I’d say you’re-- quite a piece of art-- with or-- without arms.” Aph: “Really?” H: “Really.” Aph: “You’re so cool, sometimes!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------
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