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“Two Men and a Baby” Episode 65/406 [TEASER] [Nemesis running] Meniskos: “Whoa! There she is! Come on!” [Nemesis running] Meniskos: “Whoa! Nemesis! Over there! Come on! Yah!” [Nemesis running] Meniskos: “We’ve got her. Get in there! Not with weapons, you fools! It’s a woman and a baby! What are you afraid of?!” Warrior: “Get her!” [Fight] Meniskos: “The baby. Get the baby! It’s headed towards the falls!” Warrior’s Voice: “I’ll grab her! [Pull out?] the baby!” Meniskos: “The baby!” Warrior’s Voice: “Come on!” Meniskos: “No, no-- grab her.” Warriors’ Voices: “The girl!” “Come on!” “Let’s get her!” Meniskos: “The baby!” Warrior’s Voice: “Come on!” Meniskos: “Grab her! The baby!” Warrior: “Whoa! Ohhh!” Nemesis: “Sorry-- guess I’m a little rusty.” Warrior’s Voice: “She’s getting away!” “What about the baby?!” Meniskos: “Catch the horses. We start over. We must find that baby-- or what’s left of him.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Evander: [Crying] Nemesis: “Nooooo!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I’s Voice: “Will you hurry up, already! I’m starving!” [H and I laugh.] I’s: “Very clever.” I: “Hey, HerK! The fire’s nearly ready. Boy, I’m so hungry, I could eat a really _big_-- juicy-- great-- thing.” H: “Should we throw this one back?” I: “Basket?” H: “It’s a baby.” I: “A-a baby?!” H: “Yeah. [Laughs] Look at him-- isn’t he something, huh?” I: “Yeah.” H: “Yeah.” I: “A baby in a basket.” H: “Nemesis.” I: “Uh-oh.” H: “What?” I “Nemesis.” Nemesis: “Oh-ho-ho!” H: “Is something-- wrong? Are you OK?” Nemesis: “I can’t believe this! I-- I look everywhere for you, and-- and Evander finds you! And you save his life.” H: “And this-- would be Evander.” Nemesis: “Yes, it would. Evander-- our baby.” H: “Excuse me?” Nemesis: “Our baby. Shh. Sh-sh-shh.” H: “Our baby?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT I] H: “Iolaus-- will you mind holding the baby?” I: “Sure.” H: “We-- need to have a talk. I: “Here we go-- come on. Ooh-- ooh-ooh.” H: “After you.” I: “Hi.” Evander: [Coos-- almost sounds like “Hi.”] I: “I’m Iolaus. And you are [Laughs]-- Evander! [Laughs]” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “You should’ve told me sooner. What were you _waiting_ for?” Nemesis: “Well, I wasn’t sure how you would _react_.” H: “Nemesis. Come on-- this is us! We _know_ each other. I wanted to be a father, again. But it would’ve-- it would’ve been nice to see his-- first smile, you know-- help decide his name.” Nemesis: “What, you don’t like his name?” H: “Evander’s a fine name. That’s not the point.” Nemesis: “Well, what is the point?” H: “The point is, you should’ve told me.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “OK, Evander-- now! Since you and your Mom are joining us for supper-- we’re gonna need some more fish! So-- first of all-- we take Mr. Grub-- put him on-- that’s right-- woochie! Woochie! Woochie! Wooch! Ooh, you’re hungry, aren’t you? Yeah, well this is not for you. This is for the fish. Now-- don’t worry-- it doesn’t hurt him. He just goes in the water, you see, and Mr. Grub-- he just goes in the water, and he squiggles along, like squiggly, wiggly, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy! And along comes Mr. Fish. Mr. Fish-- he’s swimming along, you know-- [kissing-humming noise]. And he sees Mr. Grub-- swimmy, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy! And he opens his big old mouth, and he goes-- ahh-oop! Yeah! That’s right! Ahh-oop! Just like that! Yeah-- and then-- we catch him-- we throw him on the fire-- and yes! We got a toasty little stuffer! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Yubby! Yubby! Yub! Yub! Yubby! Yubby! And, uh-- well, that’s how you catch fish. We were just-- talking about-- fishing.” H: “Yeah, right.” Nemesis: “Thank you, Iolaus. Um-- will you look after him, while I wash some of his things?” H: “Oh, sure. He can watch us catch some supper.” I: “Ah-- snag again.” H: “Here’s how you really catch fish. See?” I: “Boy-- you sure know how to take the fun out of fishing.” H: “Your way takes too long.” I: “Patience is a virtue. Besides-- you’re a role-model, now.” H: “Fine.” I: “Mm-hmm.” H: “We’ll do it your way.” I: “Good.” H: “I still say it takes too long.” I: “Hmm-hmm. Ow! What did you do that for?!” H: “Do what?” I: “Shush! You’re-- scaring the fish.” H: “What are you doing?” I: “Fishing.” H: “Very funny-- now cut it out.” I: “I didn’t do anything. Anyway-- you started it.” H: “If you didn’t do anything, how could I start it?” I: “I didn’t do anything.” H: “You did too!” I: “I did not!” H: “Did too!” I: “Did not!” Evander: [Cries] H: “Now, look what you’ve done!” I: “I didn’t do anything!” Nemesis: “What happened?” I and H: “Nothing.” Nemesis: “Is him hungry? Hmm? Hungry little man? [Chuckles] We’ll be back.” I and H: “Bye.” H: “Did too.” I: “Did not.” H: “Stupid way to fish, anyway.” I: “Mmm-nyah-nyah-nyah.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Nemesis: “Please understand, Evander. I don’t want to leave you. But the soldiers are still looking for us. I’ve got to lead them away from you. I’ll be back-- as soon as I can. If anything happens to me-- I know Hercules will look after you-- and love you-- just as much as I do.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “So-- how do you feel about, uh-- well-- Evander?” H: “I guess I’m still in shock about being a father again. It’s not something we planned, but-- that doesn’t mean I-- love him any less. Your real question is, ‘How do I feel about Nemesis?’” I: “Well-- I don’t want you to think I’m judging her on her-- past actions. You know, I mean-- just because she was the hitwoman of the gods, and-- had an arrow in a quiver with my name on it for no good reason.” H: [Interrupting] “The gods told her you were guilty of pride, arrogance, and ego.” I: “Ah-- well-- I like to think I’m above all that, now. Like you said-- the question is-- how do you feel about-- Nemesis?” H: “She was my-- childhood sweetheart-- my first-- grown-up love. I don’t think I’ll ever lose those feelings. Where is she? Nemesis! Is everything all right?!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “She took the horse.” I: “Where?” H: “She’s in some kind of trouble, and won’t tell me what it is. We’ve gotta find her before she gets hurt.” Evander: [Cries] I: “What is it? What’s wrong?” H: “I don’t know. He just ate, so he’s not hungry. Maybe he’s sleepy.” I: “Gas pains. Babies always get gas pains-- don’t they?” H: “I’ve-- got Evander. You-- get his stuff.” I: “Right.” H: “Oh, boy.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ares: “I don’t think so. It’s just not me, uh-- what do I want with a palace?” Discord: “Palaces are for sissies, Ares. _This_ is a castle.” Ares: “Well, I appreciate the thought, Discord-- but, what does a god want with a place like this?” Discord: “Everybody’s gotta be somewhere. Come on, give it a chance. I went to a lot of trouble.” Ares: “Oh, I’m-- sure you did. How did you get rid of the previous occupants?” Discord: “They all kinda went mad-- and slaughtered each other.” Ares: “You and your pranks. Well-- it does give the place a certain-- cachet. I don’t know-- maybe. Well? Where are they?” Meniskos: “We’ve been up and down the river. Nothing.” Ares: “You go. Take them with you. Use them, or not. But I want Nemesis and her child.” Discord: “What do you want with her?” Ares: “Never you mind. And I do want them alive.” Discord: “What if there’s an accident? Something out of my control?” Ares: “You-- are so impudent. What you deserve-- is a good spanking.” Discord: “And you-- are such a tease.” Ares: “You may go.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “Here you go. You know? If we keep stopping like this, we’re never gonna catch up with Nemesis.” H: “Yeah, yeah. Good boy, ain’t you, Evander? You are.” I: “Are you sure you know how to do this?” H: “Well, it’s, uh-- been a while, but-- it’s all coming back to me, now. Good boy.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Nemesis: “Come on, horse! I don’t have time for this! Steady! Steady!” Discord: “Ah, poor baby. That had to hurt. I guess life was a lot softer when you were handing out punishment for the gods. Too bad you blew it. Too bad; too sad.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT II] Nemesis: “Ahhhhh!” Discord: “Where did you hide him, Nemesis? The village? Think I can’t find him? Bet I can.” Nemesis: “Running errands for Ares, now, huh? That’s lame-- even for you.” Meniskos’ Voice: “Whoa.” Discord: “Take her to the village-- and don’t let her get away.” Meniskos: “Get her on the horse-- and watch her.” Warrior: “On your feet.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “There you go.” H: “Is he in there?” I: “Yeah. Hey, little guy.” H: “What is that?” I: “Uh-- HerK! Whoa!” H: “What are you doing?” I: “Uh-- nothing. Just, um-- falling down.” H: “Why?” I: “Uh-- [chuckles]” H: “OK.” I: “Herk! Look!” H: “What now:?” I: “See?! See?! Ahh!” H: “What’s going on?” I: “I-- I was floating.” H: “Floating.” I: “Yeah-- you know? In the air. I think it was him.” H: “Evander.” I: “Yeah.” H: “Evander-- will you please stop floating Uncle Iolaus? We have to find Mommy.” I: “HerK.” H: “I’m worried about you.” I: “HerK!” H: “Yeah, yeah, yeah-- you’re floating.” I: “Well-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Warriors’ Voices: “Sit down!” “All right, now. Stand back.” Discord: “Where is this baby of yours?” Nemesis: “Why? So you can take him to Ares? I won’t allow it.” Discord: “Oh, you’ll tell-- sooner of later. Why does he want your brat, anyway?” Nemesis: “Since when did he need a reason for anything?! But, he can’t have my son. I would die first.” Discord: “That could be arranged. Is one of these peasants hiding him?” Nemesis: “No. What is your problem with me?! We always got along OK.” Discord: “You had the sweetest deal on Olympus! A license to kill! I was made for that job. But would they give me a shot? No. Not after you screwed things up. _That’s_ my problem. That, and Ares always had a thing for you because you’re an executioner.” Nemesis: “I have _always_ despised him.” Discord: “You can tell him yourself, soon. That kid is here-- and I am going to find him. I want a post in the ground-- here!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Yes, you’re hungry, huh? Soon.” I: “Who said cows give milk? No way-- you have to take it.” H: “You’re a wreck.” I: “Yeah? You should see the cow.” H: “There’s a village up ahead. We’ll ask if anyone’s seen Nemesis. Look at this, would you? Ha-ha-ha-- what an appetite.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Meniskos: “This woman-- has brought the wrath of the gods down upon this village! Show me the child-- and no one will suffer! She’ll be the first to burn! Then one of you!” Woman’s Voice: “What is he talking about?” H: “Looks like we found Mommy.” Meniskos: “Show me the baby! Last chance. Give up the child and save yourself!” Nemesis: “Leave these people alone!” H: “Hey, fellas!” Warriors: “Huh?” H: “Mothers know best.” Meniskos: “Get him.” [Fight] I: “Left-- holding the baby.” I: “Here! Could you, uh-- hold the baby?” Warrior: “Ahhh!” H: “Uh-uh-uh! Can’t have a fire here-- no permit.” Warrior: “What’s going on?!” H: “Ah, Discord-- still carrying a torch for me, I see.” Discord: “Hercules-- Why am I not surprised? Here to see your old flame? Well-- why not?” Warrior: “Ahhhhh!” H: “We need to talk.” Woman: “Here you are.” I: “Thanks, Evander! HerK!” H: “Get them out of here!” I: “Come on. Come on.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Nemesis: “The forest.” I: “Yeah.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Warrior’s Voice: “Don’t let him get away!” Meniskos: “After him-- go!” Warrior: “Out of the way! Come on! Come on!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “HerK! HerK! Ahh!” H: “Ah-- can’t leave this door ajar.” I: [Laughs nervously] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Here-- let me. I know how to burp a baby.” Nemesis: “Gently, Hercules. Very-- gently.” H: “When are you gonna talk to me, Nemesis? What kind of trouble are you in? I’m here to help.” Nemesis: “The best way you can help is to keep Evander safe, while I take care of it.” H: “We tried that already, and you nearly got yourself killed. Now, stop playing games with me. Of course, I’ll keep him safe. He’s my son. I wouldn’t let anything happen to this little guy. There’s so much I wanna share with him-- things I wanna teach him. I am going to be the best-- Dad to you, Evander-- my son-- hmm? Hmm? What’s wrong?” Nemesis: “I feel so ashamed. You’re the one person I trust completely-- and I lied to you. You’re not Evander’s father.” H: “Then who is?” Nemesis: “Ares.” H: “My brother?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT III] Nemesis: “I am so sorry.” H: “If I said, ‘I understand,’ I’d be lying to you. I don’t. Why would you get involved with Ares?” Nemesis: “Ares came to me. He promised I could be a god again if I gave him a son. I was afraid of being mortal-- not knowing what to expect. I was weak-- and foolish. I believed him.” H: “Ares never kept a promise in his never-ending life.” Nemesis: “But, I’m _glad_ he didn’t. It would’ve been a big mistake. I don’t want to be one of _them_ any longer. Uh, the gods laugh, and they play, but I don’t know one who feels real joy. They have more than enough passion, but-- do you know one who really loves? Would I love my little Evander the same if I didn’t have this mortal heart? I like my life the way it is now.” H: “But, why would Ares be after Evander? He cares nothing for any of his children.” Nemesis: “Evander-- inherited some-- qualities from his father.” Evander: [Belch to end all belches] H: “Whoa. What have you been feeding this kid?” Nemeis: “Look-- if Ares gets his hands on him, he’ll turn my baby into a monster like himself.” H: “That-- is not gonna happen. We won’t-- let it happen. We can teach him-- right from wrong. He’ll be a good man-- even if Ares is his father.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ares: “This is not just-- any child. He’s special. He has the potential, eventually-- to destroy Hercules.” Discord: “Why don’t we simplify? I’ll kill Hercules. I’m a god-- I’ve got the goods.” Ares: “As much as I admire your-- goods-- I’m afraid it won’t work. You see-- one god cannot kill another. And I don’t even wanna _think_ about the penalty. Unfortunately, Zeus has extended the rule to protect my-- mongrel, half-god brother as well.” Discord: “So, how’s a baby mortal gonna do the job?” Ares: “Well, that’s just it. He’s not all mortal. You see, like my brother-- the baby has some godly blood as well. And the ‘don’t kill’ rule doesn’t apply if the one doing the killing-- is not a full god.” Discord: “I get it. I get it! He’s Hercules’ son! You’ll use his own son to kill him! Ooh-- you’re so bad.” Ares: “And don’t you dare-- deviate from my plan.” Discord: “You’re telling a deviant not to deviate. And that’s not fair.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “Boo-boo-boo-boo! Little boy!” [Laughs] Evander: [Foul eructation] I: “Oh, uh-- we could use some attention here!” Nemesis: “Fresh diaper?” I: “Yeah, that’d be my guess! He has a certain air about him!” H: “Well, go on, Uncle Iolaus. You, uh-- do the honors, there.” I: “Uncle Iolaus. I like that, yes, I do. I’ll pass.” H: “Uh-uh-uh, I’ll-- do it. Come on, Bubbala. Let’s you and me-- take care of business.” Nemesis: “He would be such a good father.” I: “Hmm-hmm-hmm, yeah, he would. He was.” H: “Great.” Nemesis: “I still love him, Iolaus. I guess I always will.” I: “Yeah, he feels the same. You know that.” Nemesis: “What is it?” I: “It’s not my place to say, but-- ” Nemesis: “But-- ” I: “He would have helped you, anyway-- without the lie. You know, when you-- told him he was a-- father again-- it was the best surprise of his life. And then-- you take it away again. Like I said, it’s not my place.” Nemesis: “No, no, it is your place. You love him, too. He’s like your own brother-- and I hurt him. I know I hurt him-- and I’m sorry. I knew he would help me-- and I knew you would, too. I should have believed in what I knew.” I: “Hmm.” H: “Hah. We-- are going for a walk. Yeah.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “We’re a lot alike, Evander. My father’s a god-- and my mother is mortal, just like your parents. Unfortunately-- our fathers aren’t that reliable, hmm. But our mothers-- are wonderful. She’ll never lie to you. She’ll always do what’s best for you. She’s your mother. And as long as I’m around, no one-- is gonna hurt you. I promise” Ares: “How touching-- to know my beloved brother is looking out for my son. Well-- we have a lot of-- bonding-- to catch up on. I’ll take him, now.” H: “I don’t think so.” Ares: “I’m his father. You can’t deny me.” H: “Watch me. I won’t let you take away his chance to be a good man.” Ares: “Good-- what good is a good man? He has a shot at greatness! [Echoes 5 more times]” H: “You don’t care about your son.” Ares: “Oh, I care-- in my own way. You see, Evander, grown, will become your worst nightmare-- yours and all those-- good men you care so much about.” H: “I will not-- give him to you.” Nemesis’ Voice: “Help! Hercues, help!” Ares: [Laughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Nemesis: “No! Hercules, stay away!” Discord’s Voice: “Help me, Hercules! Help me!” [Laughs as she materializes] Ares: “Can I have my son back? Please?” Discord: “Your son?” Ares: “Don’t-- start with me.” Nemesis: “Ares! Please, don’t take him!” Ares: “So-- what’s it gonna be, Brother? My son, or your friends’ lives? Ooop! I guess I meant life. It doesn’t look like you’re gonna be able to save the both of them.” I: “Don’t do it, HerK!” Ares: “Time is almost up.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT IV] H: “If anything happens to him-- all the gods of Olympus won’t be able to protect you. I’ll be back for you, Evander.” Ares: “Let’s go. Well?” Discord: “Something’s wrong!” Ares: “Ah-- the child is not a full god. You’re gonna have to travel on foot while you’re holding him. Oh, what am I sayin’? Take a horse!” I: “Get Nemesis, first! I’ll take my chances!” H: “I’d say your chances are close to zero.” I: “Yeah? Well, that’s better than nothing!” H: “Just, hang on, buddy.” I: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Whoa! Oh!” Nemesis: “Ares has won, hasn’t he?!” H: “No way-- all we have to do is follow the horse.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Discord: “I should’ve known. Ares has thousands of children. Why are you so special? Didn’t tell me you were his-- that he’d been with her-- Nemesis! He’ll go back, too-- like they all do. And she’ll never refuse him-- not as long as he’s got you. But if he didn’t have you. I’ve heard a mortal can drown in only a dipper of water. And a baby would take a lot less.” Ares: “An ocean wouldn’t be enough. He’s my son. You don’t wanna try me.” Discord: “And you-- don’t wanna underestimate _me_!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Nemesis: “You were right. This is the place. That’s Meniskos-- the man Ares sent after us.” Warrior’s Voice: “No sign of Hercules or Iolaus.” H: “Come on. Evander’s inside.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Meniskos: “It never fails. Ares handpicks a general for his service-- a general with a record _scratched_ in blood-- a superb tactician-- a military genius! But, as soon as he feels the hand of Ares-- as _soon_ as he is called into Ares’ personal service-- he becomes a boob! It’s happened to others-- and now, it has happened to me. I wish I were back in the field. How I would welcome an afternoon of pillage. This is so degrading!” Ares: “Unhappy with your commission, Meniskos?” Meniskos: “I was-- just explaining how a mortal soldier compares poorly to the brilliance of a god of war.” Ares: “Oh. Meet Evander-- my son. Evander? Isn’t this perfect? Imagine Hercules suspended in mid-air? What good would his strength do him then, huh?” Meniskos: “Not much-- and I do think.” Ares: “Now Discord, please.” Discord: “Say goodbye to Daddy.” Ares: “Discord! Get my son away from her!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Discord! Give me the baby.” Ares: “After her!” Meniskos: “I don’t think we should provoke her.” Ares: “Provoke _her_?!” Discord: “Ares! You deceived me, Ares!” Ares: “Discord! I’ll pen you in a catacomb for eternity!” Nemesis: “Noooo!” Ares: “Nice catch.” Meniskos [?]: “Kill him!” [Big fight scene breaks out.] Nemesis: “Hercules! Look out!” H: “Ares!” Nemesis: “You tried to _kill_ him!” Discord: “Yes! But this is much better! This is what I wanted!” [A lot more fighting] Discord: “Ahhhhh!” Ares: “Don’t be foolish, Brother. He’s mine.” H: “Evander.” Evander: “Huh?” H: “Go to Mommy. Come on. Go to Mommy.” [Ares and H fight throughout.] Ares: “Whoooaaaaaa! Whooooaaaaaaa!” I: “Ahhhhhhh!” Ares: “Uhhh! Ahhhh! Take this.” I: [Laughs] Ares: “Give me that!” [Ares and H beat each other senseless.] Ares: “Ahhhhhhhhh! You can _keep_ the brat! It’s not worth the aggravation. He’s too much like you. But I’ll be seeing you again, Brother.” H: “Every time you turn around, Brother.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Nemesis: “Ohh-- thank you-- both of you-- for bringing us home safely.” I: “Well-- I g-guess we’ll you again-- real soon. I’ll meet you at the bridge.” H: “You gonna be OK?” Nemesis: “As long as I’ve got you to turn to.” H: “You do. You know that.” Nemesis: “Well, I’ll-- I’ll leave you to say bye to Evander.” H: “Hey, Evander. I’ll be back to see you-- every chance I get. And before you know it-- I’ll be teaching you how to wrestle! And throw the discus. You don’t know it now-- but, one day-- you’ll realize you’re different. And you’ll wanna be like everyone else-- but you never will be. You’re special. You’re _very_-- special. And that means you can make a difference. It’s not an easy life to live. But-- I’ll be around to help. I will always be there for you-- always.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------Click here to return to the HTLJ TWO MEN AND A BABY page.
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