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...AND FANCY FREE


“... And Fancy Free”  67/408

[TEASER]

Magistrate  [Mag]:  “And let’s hear it for our final couple,
ladies and gentlemen!”

Male Voice:  “All right!”

Mag:  “On this day, as we’ve done for generations, we dance to
pay tribute to the Muses.”

Spoiled Brat  [SB]:  “Hmm!”

Mag:  “To thank them for their everlasting gift of divine
inspiration.  You know-- as Magistrate of Rumba, I’m often asked,
‘Hysterius, what’s so great about _your_ little town?’  And I
always say, ‘We may not be Athens, but we are the dance capital
of Greece!  And now, without further ado, it’s time to announce
the winners of this season’s Panathenia!  And the winners are--
couple number two!”

Althea  [Al]:  “Yay!  Couple number two!”

SB:  “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?!”

Al:  “But I didn’t-- !”

Girl:  “She’s all wet!”

SB:  “You think you’re gonna be a dancer some day, huh?  “

Al:  “Why not?!”

SB:  “You need a partner to dance!  Who’d wanna dance with a
loser?!  What a freak!  Look!  I think she’s gonna cry!”

Girls:  “Cry baby!  Cry baby!  Cry baby!  Cry baby!  Cry baby!
Cry-- “ [Fade out]

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Man’s Voice:  “Watch it, Althea!”

Al:  “Woops!  Ow!  Ooh!  So-- I’m sorry.”

H:  “No, no, no-- it’s-- it’s my fault.  I, uh-- take up way too
much space.”

Al:  “Huh?”

H:  “A joke-- it was a joke.”

Al:  “Oh, yeah!  [Laughs]  Yeah!  Ah-- anyway, thanks for being
so understanding.”

H:  “Oh-- could you tell me which road leads to Kroton?”

Al:  “That one.”

H:  “Great.  Hey-- well, thanks.”

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Mag:  “That means no jumping, no leaping-- no lifting your
partner off the ground.  Remember, children-- the Muses grant us
inspiration-- but they can also take it away!  We are simple
mortals-- and must not aspire towards their exalted realm.  Break
the rules-- and you will be disqualified!  Any questions?  Then
let’s make this the best Panathenia ever!”

SB:  “Well, well, well-- some people never learn.  You’ve got two
left feet, Ducky.  You don’t have a chance.”

Al:  “What did I ever do to you?”

SB:  “Well, for starters-- you were born!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Nice move!”

SB:  “Stop wasting your time.  You need a partner to enter the
contest.”

Man’s Voice:  “Yeah, right.”

SB:  “You see?  No one’s crazy enough to dance with you.”

H:  “I’ll be your partner.”

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[ACT I]

Al:  “You?”

H:  “Thought you might need a hand.”

SB:  “She’s gonna need a lot more than that.  You must be as
desperate as she is.”

Mag:  “Who’s holding up the line, there?”

SB:  “They are, Uncle.”

Mag:  “This line, is for contestants only.”

H:  “We are contestants-- right?”

Mag:  “And who are you?”

H:  “I’m-- Hercules.”

Mag:  “Well, why didn’t you say so?!  As Magistrate of our fair
town, I humbly welcome you to Rumba.”

SB:  “Uncle.”

Mag:  “I knew you had many talents, Hercules.  I didn’t realize
dancing was one of them.”

H:  “Neither did I.  Actually, I’ve, uh-- I’ve never done this
before.”

Mag:  “Well, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.  I look forward to
seeing some of your-- moves.”

H:  “Me, too.  Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to-- get back in
line.  We have a contest to enter.”

SB:  “Uncle, do something!”

Mag:  “Don’t worry.  They don’t stand a chance.”

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Al:  “I can’t thank you enough!”

H:  “Well, don’t thank me yet, Althea.”

Al:  “But-- I have some moves of my own-- some steps I’ve been
working on.  Don’t worry-- we’ll practice!  Boy, am I glad I
bumped into you!”

H:  “Oh-- you know?  That-- reminds me.  You, uh-- you dropped
this.”

Al:  “Thank you.  My mother gave this to me before she died.  I
would never’ve forgiven myself if I’d lost it.  She said it would
bring me luck.  I guess she was right.”

H:  “Oh, oh, oh-- where are we going?!”

Al:  “Well-- you can’t practice on an empty stomach!  A-- a--
and, anyway-- you gotta meet my father!  Boy, is he gonna be
impressed when I bring home the son of Zeus!”

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Father:  “Hercules, huh?  I thought you’d be wearing a cape or
something.”

Al:  “Daddy.”

H:  “I, uh-- I tried, but it-- just didn’t fly.”

Al:  [Laughs]

Father:  “What brings you around these parts?”

H:  “Oh, I was on my way to meet a friend, and-- ”

Al:  “... and he-- decided to stay a few days.  He hasn’t got
anywhere to sleep.  Uh-- I, I was thinking-- well, I was
wondering-- maybe he could stay-- here?”

Father:  “Are you any good with your hands?”

H:  “Some people think so.”

Al:  “Of course, he is!”

Father:  “I’m building a cistern out back.  Got some logs need to
be moved.”

H:  “I’d-- be glad to help.”

Father:  “All right then, you can stay in the barn.”

Al:  “Yes!”

H:  “Thank you.”

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Al:  “It’s lemonade.  I made it myself.  Sorry about my father.
He never really got over Mother’s death.”

H:  “Why didn’t you tell him the truth?”

Al:  “If he knew we’d entered the contest, he-- probably wouldn’t
let me leave the house.  He thinks dancing’s a waste of time.”

H:  “I wouldn’t wanna go against your father’s wishes-- you know,
it wouldn’t be right.”

Al:  “Hercules-- please!  It’s-- been a dream of mine ever since
I was a little girl-- to dance at this contest.”

H:  “Althea, it’s just-- ”

Al:  “You saw the others-- how they treat me?!  This is the only
way I can show them I’m as good as they are!  If I give up now,
they’ll never let me live it down.  Please, Hercules, please,
please?!”

H:  “All right.  All right.  All right.  Eh-- Althea?  You have
to tell your father that you entered the contest.”

Al:  “I will!”

H:  “Althea!  Before the contest.”

Al:  “OK!”  [Laughs]

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Al:  “OK-- here’s the deal.  I’ll do my routine once, so you can
see it-- and then we’ll do it step by step.  You stay here.  I
need some room.”

H:  “Are you all right?”

Al:  “Sh!  Sh!  Sh!  Sh!  Wait till I’m finished!  What do you
think?”

H:  “I think we’re gonna need some help.”

Al:  “Right!”

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SB:  “Ah!  Ow!”

DJ:  “Oh!  Ow!  My eye!  I’ll never dance again!”

Mag:  “What’s the matter cupcake?!”

SB:  “Oh, Uncle!”

Mag:  “There, there-- what’s troubling you, my Dear?”

SB:  “I’m never gonna win with these stiffs you keep sending me.”

Mag:  “Now, now-- of course you’ll win.  You’ve won three years
running.”

SB:  [Crying]  “But you let Hercules enter the contest!”

Mag:  “Hercules has never danced a day in his life!”

SB:  “But this is the dance capital of Greece!  There’s a dance
school on every corner!”

Mag:  “Don’t worry.  I’ve taken care of everything.”

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H:  “We’re looking for a dance teacher.  Do you have any room in
your classes?”

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Al:  “Please, Miss-- we’re looking for a dance teacher.”

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Al:  “The contest is in five days!  We don’t stand a chance!”

H:  “A lot can happen in five days.  Trust me.  Things will--
work out.  “

Al:  “Where’s that music coming from?  Hercules?”

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Widow Twanky  [WT]:  “Oh, hello-- welcome back.  Clever bird.
Like snakes to a charm, my Darlings.  And I am always so
charming.”

H:  “Do I know you?”

WT:  “Well-- where I come from-- across the seas of time-- I’m
known-- as the Mistress of Music-- the Queen of Crescendo-- but--
you can call me-- your new-- dance teacher.”

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[ACT II]

Al:  “You’re a dance teacher?”

WT:  “The Widow Twanky, extraordinaire-- known in all the ports
of the China Sea, as Mad Alice Cudlip.  Inventress of the Twanky
Twiddle-- the most daring dance move ever performed!  And quite
illegal in these parts.  But if you’re very, very good, I might
teach it to you.”

H:  “How did you know we were looking for a teacher?”

WT:  “How does the porcu know to pine?  Why does the beaver give
a dam?!  What is the difference between a duck?!  Answer all
these questions, and there’s nothing left to do!  [Sings]
You seem a bit confused--
A trifle unbelieving.
The truth be told, I may seem old--
But looks can be deceiving.

Don’t feel afraid to take a chance-- 
That’s my philosophy.
Just stick with me, and you will see
I’ll teach you how to dance.

You’ll reign supreme--
The dancing Queen.
And, you’ll look cool--
You dancing fool.

Honey, if you try,
I know you’ll reach the sky.
Just learn to spread your wings
And flyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

And so you see,
Just stick with me!
You two can be so fancy free!

Darlings, if you try,
I know you’ll reach the sky.
Just learn to spread your wings
And flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

H:  “Wow.”

WT:  “So-- what do you say?”

H and Al:  “Sure.”

WT:  “Ooh-- good.”

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WT:  “In order to dance, one must be able to move-- freely.  Now,
then-- lesson number one-- rhythm.  Althea-- what do we know--
about rhythm?”

Al:  “Beats me.”

WT:  “Precisely!  You clever little girl!  Rhythm is all about--
beats.”

H:  “Good guess.”

WT:  “There-- do you feel the beat?”

Al:  “Ah-- yeah.”

WT:  “Hmm, yes, I know-- hm-mm-mm.  You see, all life-- moves to
the rhythm of our most glorious instrument-- the human heart.”

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MT:  “Rhythm-- is everywhere.  All you have to do-- is listen.”

Al:  “I can’t hear anything.”

H:  “Look-- a man sawing wood.”

MT:  “Yes, you see?  And over there-- that man, banging away on
his anvil.  See?  You see-- rhythm-- is life.  And the rhythm of
life-- is a powerful beat.  Pick your feet up!  Don’t be shy!
That’s it!  Come on!  That’s it!  Come on!”

H:  “This is so-- stupid.”

[Mag’s croney falls-- cat meows]

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Father:  “Good night, Sweetheart.”

Al:  “Good night, Daddy.”

H:  “Uh-- good night-- sir.”

Al:  “He misses Mother so much.  I wish I could see him smile
again-- just once.”

H:  “How long has it been?”

Al:  “She died when I was four.  I never really got a chance to
know her.  He, he says I’m-- as pretty as she was.  Do you think
I’m pretty?”

H:  “Well, yes, I-- I think you’re very pretty.  I-- I-- I’ll get
that.”

Mag’s Croney:  “The magistrate would like a word with you.”

H:  “Hmm.  Don’t worry.  I’ll be back soon.”


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Mag:  “Hercules-- thank you for coming on such short notice.  I
must admit, you’ve caught us a little bit off-guard.  You’re the
first celebrity we’ve had here, and we’ve done nothing to honor
your-- gracious visit.”

H:  “I appreciate the thought, but I’d rather you didn’t.”

Mag:  “And modest, too.  You really are a-- hero.  Which is why--
I would like to invite you to be our first celebrity judge-- at
the Panathenia.  Of course, you’d have to withdraw as a
contestant.”

H:  “Well-- thanks for the invitation, but-- I’ve already agreed
to be Althea’s partner.”

Mag:  “Ah, yes, that-- girl.  Between us adults, I’m a little
concerned about her well-being.”

H:  “Really?”

Mag:  “She’s been through so much-- the death of her mother;
never really fitting in with the other children.  I’m afraid, if
you enter the contest and lose, she’ll be crushed.”

H:  “We have no intention of losing.”

Mag:  “I think you may be overestimating your chances.”

H:  “If you really thought that, we wouldn’t be having this
conversation.”

Mag:  “I’m glad you’re here, Hercules, to comfort and protect
that _poor_ girl-- but I do worry about what might happen to her
after you’ve gone.”

H:  “Believe me-- if anything happens to Althea-- I’ll be coming
back.  Have a good night.”

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H:  “Althea-- what are you still doing up?”

Al:  “You changed your mind, didn’t you?”

H:  “Not a chance.  We’re in this together; nothing’s gonna
change that.”

Al:  “I don’t know what I’d do without you.  You’re the best
thing thing that’s ever happened to me.  I love you Hercules.”
[Kisses him]

H:  “This-- isn’t right.”

Al:  “I’m sorry.  Who am I kidding?  Stupid, stupid.”

H:  “I know this isn’t what you want to hear-- but what you’re
feeling--it’s not love.”

Al:  “I know what it means to love someone, Hercules.  I’m not a
little girl, anymore.”

H:  “No, no-- you’re not.  You are a, uh-- a beautiful young
woman.”

Al:  “When the contest is over-- you won’t forget about me, will
you?”

H:  “Now, how could I possibly-- ever forget you?  You’ll always
be-- my first-- dance partner.”

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H:  “You’re awfully quiet, this morning.”

Al:  “I feel like such a fool.  I’m _so_ embarrassed.”

H:  “Oh, don’t be.  You said what was on your mind-- and that
took courage.”

[Goons ambush H and Al]

Al:  “What are we gonna do?!”

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[ACT III]

Al:  “Hercules!”

H:  “Come on!  Hold on tight!  Don’t look down!  I’ve got you.
Come on!  Ready for your next lesson?”

Al:  “What do you mean?!”

H:  “Balance.  I feel like a hamster!”

Al:  “They tried to kill us!”

H:  “Althea-- look at me.  Come on-- look at me!”

Al:  “I can’t do this-- it’s not worth dying for!”

H:  “But it is worth fighting for.  I will not let anything
happen to you.  Besides-- you were great.”

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WT:  “Late!  Late, late, late, late, late!”

H:  “Sorry, we’re late-- but-- we had to do a little-- practicing
of our own.”

WT:  “Ooh, practicing.  Is that what you call it, these days?
Mucking about; discovering appendages-- you never even knew you
had.  Ooh-- you are a nasty, nasty little boy.  Put your hand
out, now!”

H:  “Pardon me?”

WT:  “Pah-- don’t you ‘Pardon me’ me, you!  I shall give you
‘Pardon me’!   I will ‘Pardon me’ you into the middle of next
week!  Now, hold that hand out!  Right now, young man, or there
shall be no lesson today!  Oh-- that’s quite a strong hand,
really.  Shapely forearm.  Look at the size of those biceps!  Oh!
It’s huge!  Hold me.”

H:  “Ah-- shouldn’t-- we be getting on with the lesson?”

WT:  “Ooh!  Yes, right, mmm-- plenty of time for that later.  Now
then-- watch!”

[WT dances]

WT:  “Now-- it’s your turn.”

Al:  “I can’t do that.”

MT:  “What do you mean?  You haven’t even tried.”

H:  “Go on.”

WT:  “That’s it.  Yes.  Lift-- and breathe-- and stretch!”

H:  “Oop.  Althea-- you OK?”

Al:  “I told you I couldn’t do it.”

WT:  “If you say that once more, I shall wash your mouth out with
soap.  Do you understand?”

Al:  “Yes.”

WT:  “Good.  Now-- close your eyes-- and feel the rhythm of the
steps.  That’s it.  Let it flow through you.  Off you go.”

Al:  “I did it!  I did it!”

H:  “All right!”

WT:  “She did it!  I’m so happy!”

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SB:  “Yeah, right.  You’re dreaming.  [Sighs]  What’s your name?”

Travoltus:  “Travoltus.”

SB:  “He’ll do”

Mag:  “Have him fitted for his costume.”

Croney:  “Sir!  Sir!”

SB:  “What’s he still doing here?!”

Mag:  “What’s the matter?”

Croney:  “Uh-- Hercules and the girl managed to-- avoid the
accident, this morning.”

SB:  “Oh, Uncle, you promised!”

Mag:  “Now, now you _know_ I’m a man who keeps his word.  It
seems Hercules has left us no choice.  Time for a more hands-on
approach.”

SB:  “Oh, that’s what you always say!  Now, I’ll never win the
Panathenia!”

Mag:  “Stop _whining_, you blubbering brat!”

Croney:  [Laughs]

[SB attacks Croney.]

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WT:  “Your turn.”

H:  “I-- don’t twirl.”

WT:  “Oh, of _course_ you do, you silly boy.  You do it every
day!”

H:  “Uh, I don’t think so.”

WT:  “Oh-- really?”

[WT “attacks” H]

WT:  “There-- you see?  You do twirl.  You see, fighting, in its
very essence, is like a dance-- and you, my-- hunky HerK, are a
natural.”

H:  “Thanks, I-- think.”

WT:  “Now-- tell me.  Have you ever fought-- with a partner?”

H:  “Yes.”

WT:  “Mmm-- and what, perchance, is his name?”

H:  “Iolaus.”

WT:  “Iolaus?  Well, Hercules-- I know this’ll be difficult, but
_I_ want you to imagine, for a moment, that _I_-- am Iolaus.
Now, I _know_ it’s a stretch of the imagination-- but I would
appreciate the effort.  Now, then-- Huuhhh!  Oh, no!  We’re
surrounded!  Completely defenseless!  What are we going to do?!”

[WT and H “fight” imaginary bad guys.]

Al:  “That was great!”

H:  “Yeah--you’re not bad.”

WT:  “You’re not bad yourself [chuckes], but now-- you two must
learn to do that together.  Hercules-- Althea-- do you promise--
to trust each other?  To catch each other when you fall?  And to
move together, as long as you both-- shall dance?”

Al and H:  “We do.”

WT:  “Then-- Darlings-- it’s time to learn-- the Twanky--
Twiddle.”

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WT:  “This being the most dangerous part, because, to every
action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

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WT:  “And one, and two, and one and-- that’s it!  One and two!
Get it up!”

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WT:  “All right, my Darlings.  This is the one.  I know it.  I
can feel it.  Off you go.”

Al:  “Oh!  It’s just too hard!”

H:  “You can do this, Althea.  I know you can.”

Al:  “The contest is tonight.  I don’t think I’ve got it in me.”

WT:  “That’s exactly what your mother said-- all those years
ago.”

Al:  “You knew my mother?”

WT:  “Oh, yes.  She was a pupil of mine-- and the most incredible
dancer this town has ever seen.”

Al:  “My mother was a dancer?”

WT:  “Ohh-- I’ve never seen anybody with such a passion-- such a
fire inside.  I never thought I’d see anyone else sparkle like
that again-- till I saw you.”

Al:  “Why did my father never tell me?”

H:  “Althea, wait!”

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Al:  “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

Father:  “Tell you what?”

Al:  “That my mother was a dancer!”

Father:  “Who told you that?”

Al:  “The Widow, Twanky!”

Father:  “You’ve been dancing behind my back.”

Al:  “Stop treating me like a child-- and start telling me the
truth-- please!”

Father:  “She did love to dance.  Winning the Panathenia meant
everything to her.  We would have, too.”

Al:  “We?  You were her dance partner?”

Father:  “It was the happiest time of my life.  She refused to
follow the rules.  So the Magistrate disqualified us.  We were
banned from the contest forever.  The truth is-- your mother died
of a broken heart.  That’s why I forbid you to enter the
contest!”

Al:  “You can’t-- stop me.”

H:  “Ah-- Ellis-- ”

Father:  “How-- dare you?”

H:  “I know you want what’s best for your daughter, but-- this is
her dream.”

Father:  “I am trying to protect her!”

H:  “If you really want to protect her-- then encourage her,
support her.  If you don’t let her dance-- you will break her
heart.”

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Al:  “Twanky!”

Croney:  “Now, what is it they say, again, to, ah, wish someone
luck?  Oh, yes-- break a leg.”

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[ACT IV]

Croney:  [Laughs]  “Break a leg-- get it?”

H:  “Hey!”

WT’s Muffled Voice:  “Hercules!”

H:  “Let me guess.  You’re, uh-- looking for a dance partner.
Sorry-- but, huh-- you’re not my type.”

[Fight]

Al:  “Oh, Hercules-- I’m so glad to see you!”

WT:  “Over here!”  [The rest is incomprehensible, since WT is
gagged.]

H:  “You all right?”

MT:  “No, I’m not!  How they man-handled me!  And it’s been so
long!”

H:  “Yeah-- well, uh-- we should get to the competition.”

MT:  “Yeah-- wait!  You’re not going to the Panathenia dressed
like that?!”

H:  “It, it’s all I ever wear.”

MT:  “I know, and I’m sick of it!  Come on!”

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Mag:  “Well, let’s get straight to it, shall we?  From the
Dionysian Institute of Danceology-- Couple Number one!”

SB:  “Better not screw this up!”

Father:  “Althea-- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.  I was
afraid.  You’re, so like your mother.  But, Hercules was right.
You need to follow your dream, wherever it takes you.   That’s
what she would’ve wanted you to do.”

Al:  “Oh, Daddy!”

Father:  “Now-- go get ready-- and finish what she started!”

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Mag:  “Weren’t they wonderful?!  Let’s give them another round of
applause!  And, since there are no more contestants, the judges
will now select a winner!”

SB  [Whispers]:  “Aaah.  

[H and Al make their entrance]

SB  [Aloud]:  Huh?”

Mag:  “You’re too late, Hercules!  The contest is over!”

[H and Al begin their dance]

Mag:  “Get them off that dance floor, now!”

Thug:  “Come on!”

[Dance-Fight]

SB:  “Oh, Uncle, do something!”

Mag:  “Stop this outrage!  You have insulted the Muses by
breaking the rules and now, they’ll turn their backs on us!”

H:  “Wrong.  Do you understand?”

Mag:  “Yes.”

H:  “Good.”

SB:  “Stop it!”

H:  “The Muses inspire us to find what’s already in our hearts.
But your Magistrate wants you to forget that!  Well, there is
nothing wrong with reaching for the sky!  Don’t let his rules--
keep you from trying.”

Al:  “Thank you.  Thank you.”

WT:  “Well!  You heard him!  What are you waiting for?!  Let’s
dance!”

Woman:  “Come on, big boy.”

Mag:  “_I_ am your Magistrate!  Stop this at once!  Do hear me?!
Stop this!  Stop it!  Stop this at once!”

WT:  “Aw-- shut up!”

Dancers:  “Hey!  Hey!”

Al:  “I don’t know how to thank you enough.”

H:  “Ah-- you don’t have to.  We did this together!”

Al:  “Well, how about the last dance?”

H:  “You know, I’d love to, but I think I’m gonna have to-- get
in line.”

Guys:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Go on.”

Al:  “Thank you.”

WT:  “Oh!  And where do you think _you’re_ going?!”

H:  “Ah, actually-- I’m gonna go see my friend, Iolaus.”

MT:  “Oh--oh!  No, no, no, no, you’re not!”

H:  “But he’s-- ”

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