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MEN IN PINK


“Men In Pink”  Episode 71/412

[TEASER]

Geckus:  “Make sure you account for every dinar, Salmoneus.  My
brother intends distributing them to the poor.”

Sal:  “To the poor?  I mean-- to the poor.  May they always
benefit from the king’s generosity.”

Geckus:  “Yes, he always had a big heart.  Why, I remember, when
we were little, he gave my toys to the servants’ children.  What
a, uh-- inspiration to us all.”

Sal:  “Uh-huh?  Um, I oughtta get back to work.  I promised King
Foolis I’d be done by the time he finished his nap.”

Geckus  [Laughs]:  “Don’t worry.  I’m sure you’ll have plenty of
time.”  [Walks off, whistling]

Sal:  “Alone at last-- just the million of us!  And though we
can’t be together for long-- we’ll always remember the time we
shared.  Who’s there?  I warn ya!  I know Hercules!  If anything
happens to me, he’s gonna be very upset!”  [Attacks Autolycus
[Auto]]

Auto:  “Hey!  What’s the big idea?”

Sal:  “Please!  I’m only the king’s accountant!  Take the money!
Just leave my commission-- OK?  I’ll do anything!”  [Grovels]

Auto:  “You can start by letting go of my leg.”

Sal:  “Your leg?  Of course.  [Starts to spit-shine his shoe]
Shoe-shine, your mercifulness?”

Auto:  “The name’s Autolycus-- perhaps, you’ve heard of me?”

Sal:  “Who?!  Oh!  The king of thieves!  It’s an honor to be
robbed by you, sir!”

Auto:  “Think nothing of it, my good man.  You say you know
Hercules.”

Sal:  “Me, Salmoneus, know Hercules?  We’re the best of friends!
Like strawberries and cream, apples and honey, peaches and herb.”

Auto:  “Funny, he never mentioned you.”

Sal:  “Really?  [Laughs]  Listen, since we got the big guy in
common, you’re not gonna hurt me, are ya?”

Auto:  “Oh, that depends on you now, doesn’t it?  You can either
stand here and watch me take this money-- or I can club you over
the head, and I’ll take it anyway.”

Sal:  “What was the first part, again?”

King Foolis’ Voice:  [Scream]

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-------------------------------

Sal:  “King Foolis!”

King Foolis:  “Rosebush.”  [Falls dead, with knife ending up in
Sal’s hand]

Geckus:  “By the gods!  They’ve killed the king!”

Sal:  [Screams and drops knife]

Auto:  “Well, best’a luck.”  [Yodels]

Sal:  “Autolycus, wait!  After all we’ve been through together!
You gotta take me with you!”

Auto:  “Hey, whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!  [They
scream.]  

Geckus:  “Seal off the city.  I want them found!”

Soldier:  “Right away!”

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-------------------------------

[Standard village scene]

Vendor’s Voice:  “Here!  Get your fresh fruit here!  Apples,
oranges, lemons, pineapples, kumquats, pomegranates, prickly
pears.”

Soldier:  “Can’t find ‘em anywhere!”

Vendor:  “Get your fresh fruit here!  Come on, sir.  You, sir.
Fresh fruit for you, sir.  Fruit in the morning-- ah.  You
[Cameral pans to Auto and Sal in disguise]--  what can I get for
you this fine day?”

Woman’s Voice:  “Do you have any kiwis?”

Vendor’s Voice:  “Sorry-- we don’t carry kiwis.”  

Sal:  “That was close!  This is delicious!  You gonna eat yours?”

Auto:  “Listen, melonhead, I work alone, especially when I’m
escaping certain death.”

Vendor:  “Hey!  You’re gonna have to pay for that!  Guards!”

Soldier’s Voice:  “There they are!”

Auto:  “Uh-- just put it on our tab.”

Vendor’s Voice:  “Come back!  Come back, here!”

Soldier’s Voice:  Don’t let ‘em get away!”

Auto:  “Whoa!”

Soldier’s Voice:  “They’re the ones!”  “We got ‘em now!”

Auto:  “Wrong way.”

Soldier’s Voice:  “They must have gone down here!”

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-------------------------------

Sal:  “Where are we?”

Widow Twanky [WT]’s Voice:  “Oh, no, no, no!  Stop, stop, stop!
Would you stop that!” 

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-------------------------------

WT:  “Honestly-- I’ve seen more creativity in a wet kipper!”

WT’s Voice:  “Now, then-- girls, women-- dance is like-- ”

WT:  “-- a language.  You must use your bodies to speak!  And
what does the body say?!  It says, ‘Oooh!  Oooh!  I’m euphoric!
Oooh!  Ooh, ooh-- I’m melancholic.’  But above all-- girls, we
must use our bodies, to tell the world, in no uncertain terms-- I
am woman.”  [They “adjust” themselves.]

Auto  [Snaps finger]:  “That gives me an idea.”

Sal  [Rather unconvincingly]:  “This is no time to be thinking
about women.”

Auto:  “On the contrary, my soon-to-be beardless friend-- now is
the perfect time.”

WT’s Voice:  “One-and-two-and-three-and-- ”

Auto:  “Say-- what’s your size?”

Sal:  “Hmmm?  Huh?”

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-------------------------------

[ACT I]

Auto:  “Ooh, now this is to die for.  Say, are you a-- spring or
winter?”

Sal:  “Winter-- but that’s not the point.  We’re innocent.”

Auto:  “Oh, sure, they’ll believe that.  You were holding the
knife, and I’m the king of thieves.  If we’re lucky, they’ll only
kill us once.”

Sal:  “That’s a good point.”

Auto:  “Now-- about that makeover.”

Sal:  “Uhhhmm, uhhhmmm.”

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-------------------------------

Geckus:  “It is with a heavy heart, that I take my brother’s
place on the throne.  But royal duty compels me to take control
of his armies-- and his vast riches-- and his important
collection of fine gems and cheeses.  Now, then!  I need not
stress-- the importance of bringing these two assassins-- to
justice.  We’ll seal off the city and go door-to-door, if needs
be, but I want them found!”

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-------------------------------

WT:  “Look-and-down-and-look-and-- heads left-round!  Round!
Round!  [Laughs gleefully]  Lovely!  Smile!  Smile!  Ooh!  Oh!
Now, into the picture!  Oh!  Oh!  That was so lovely!  That’s
wonderful, girls!  Much better!  Now then, take a break!  Catch
your breath!”

Auto-as-Autolyca  [Auto/Auta]:  “Um, excuse us.”

WT:  “Mm-hmm?  Ooh!  Well!  I was going to say, ‘May I help you?’
but it appears events have passed us by!”

Auto/Auta:  “Um-- I’m-- Autolyca, and this is my partner, Sal--
monella.”

Sal-as-Salmonella  [Sal/Sala]:  “Charmed?”

WT:  “What happened to your face?”

Sal/Sala:  “I cut myself-- waxing.”

Auto/Auta:  “Oh-- anyhoo-- we’re a couple of nomadic show-girls,
looking for a stage to grace.”

WT:  “Oh-- well then-- ladies-- I think you better show me your
particulars.  No, what dance steps do you know?”

Sal/Sala and Auto/Auta:  [Laughs]

Auto/Auta:  “Uh-- oh-- oh, we know them all-- the-- ”

Sal/Sala:  “Uh-- ”

Auto/Auta:  “The mambo.”

Sal/Sala:  “The tango.”

Auto/Auta:  “The Chachi.”

Sal/Sala:  “And the Joanie!”  [Laughs]

WT:  “Ooh, well-- I can see you both have very sizable resume’s--
but unfortunately-- all our positions our filled at the moment.”

Sal/Sala  [Cries]:  “I knew it!  We’re worthless!  Ow!”

Auto/Auta:  “Now, Salmonella, speak for yourself.”

WT:  “Uh-- well-- oh, I suppose an extra pair of legs can’t hurt
you!  Make you run faster, anyway.  You two can be-- our
understudies.”

Sal/Sala:  “Huh?!  Oh, happy day!”

WT:  “Now, I’m the Widow Twanky-- known throughout the western
world-- as Laughing Lizzie, the sailors’ surprise.  Now, if you
want to join my travelling turpsecrie [?] of toe-tapping tulips--
you shall have to observe a few simple rules.”

Auto/Auta:  “Oh, we’d love to hear them.”

WT:  “Well, rule number one.  We do two shows a day-- ”

Sal/Sala:  “Mm-hmm?”

WT:  -- and after the second show, I like my tulips flossed-- ”

Sal/Sala:  “Mm-hmm.”

WT:  “-- and in their pajamas-- and in bed.”

Sal/Sala:  “And I’ll even help tuck them in!”  [Laughs]

WT:  “Rule number two-- no alcohol-- and no junk food.  Your
body-- is a temple-- and I will not brook the sullying of its
porticoes on my watch.”

Auto/Auta:  “Hallelujah.”

WT:  “And rule number three-- no men.”

Sal/Sala and Auto/Auta:  “No problem.”

WT:  “Right.  Girls [claps hands]-- could I have your attention,
please?!  Let’s give a big, warm tulip welcome-- to the newest
members of our troupe-- Autolyca and Salmonella.”

Tulips:  “How-de-do-- Sisters?!”

Sal/Sala and Auto/Auta:  “How-de-do?!”

WT:  “Right.  Let’s go from the top, shall we?  [Clears throat]
Um-- why don’t you two just sit this one out?  Rest your best
feature, pay attention to the steps, and you’ll pick it up in no
time.  [Clears throat]  Now-- Cupcake-- are you ready?”

Cupcake’s Voice:  “I was born ready.”

Cupcake  [Sings]:  “Some girls die for diamonds. 
Some cats go for gold.
But if you want the key to my heart,
just listen to what you’re told.

“I don’t need tons of jew-els--
Rings and things are meant for foo-ools.
To make our two hearts meet,
Feed me something sweet.

“I crave lots of candy.
Cookies and cakes are dandy.
Let me lick your lollipop,
And you can try my lemon-drop.
So if you dip into my cookie jar,
Then, Sugar-Daddy, we’ll go far. 

“Kisses and hugs just ain’t enough.
I want a bite of your cream-puff.
Ooh!  Don’t make me repeat!
Feed me something sweet.
Feed me something sweet.”

Sal/Sala:  “Bravo!  Bravo!”  [Laughs]  [Aside]  “What a
snake-charmer.”

Auto [Aside]:  “Tell me about it.  If I don’t get a looser skirt,
I’m gonna blow my cover.”

Sal/Sala:  [Laughs]

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WT:  “The Athens Grande Royale Hotel-- have graciously extended
to us-- the _full_ utilization of their facilities whilst we are
performing in the area.  And I don’t want to catch any of you
girls in the gambling halls or the taverns!”

Tulips:  “Aww.”

WT:  “Am I making myself clear?”

Tulips:  “Yes, Widow Twanky.”

WT:  “Good.”

Soldier:  “Keep an eye out.  They can’t hide forever.”

Voice of man at desk:  “Front, boy.”

Bellhops’s Voice:  “Coming, sir!”

Woman’s Voice:  “-- girls.  Please, keep your house running.”

WT:  “OK, this way girls-- room assignments!  Come along, now!
Watch your step!  This way, girls!  Quickly, go-- off you go!  Up
the stairs!  Ohh!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Oh, no!”

WT:  “To whom-- does this belong-- Cupcake?”

Cupcake:  “Oh, Widow Twanky, I-- ”

Auto/Auta:  “Mistress Twanky-- I cannot tell a lie.  It’s hers.”

Sal/Sala:  “What?!”

Auto/Auta:  “Sorry, Sister-- it’s for your own good.”

WT:  “Smuggling sweets-- and on show-day as well.”

Sal/Sala:  “But, but, but, but, but-- but I-- but-- ”

WT:  “Don’t you ‘but me,’ young lady!”

Sal/Sala:  “Ow!”

WT:  “Now, then-- you go up to your room--- and you stay there
all day!  And while the rest of us are relaxing in the spa-- you
should have ample opportunity to discover the ramifications of
your ingestatory overindulgence!  Now, off you go!  And you-- go
on!”

Auto/Auta’s [?] Voice:  “Oh-- oh-- yes, Ma’am.”

WT:  “Well, come on!  Your legs aren’t painted on [?]!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Hurry, hurry, hurry!”

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-------------------------------

Auto/Auta:  “Weee!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Weee!”

Cupcake:  “Oh, gee, Autolyca.  Thanks for saving my butt.”

Auto/Auta:  “Oh, think nothing of it, Cupcake.  It’s a butt worth
saving.  Besides, us girls-- we need to stick together-- close
together.”

Cupcake:  “Oh, I feel so bad about Salmonella-- taking the blame
for me, and all.”

Auto/Auta:  “Oh, don’t give it a second thought.  I haven’t.”

Cupcake:  “I guess I’m a slave to my sweet-tooth.  There’s just
something about frosting that makes me feel all-- hmm-- all--
boo-boo-pi-doo-pie inside!”  [They laugh.]

Auto/Auta:  “But you still manage to keep your figure.  Oooh, I
just _hate_ you.”

Cupcake:  “I swear-- if I ever met a man who loved sweets as much
as I do-- I’d tie him to my bed-- and never let him go!”

Auto/Auta:  “I like the way you think.  So tell me, uh-- what
else do you like in a man?”

Cupcake:  “Well-- he- he’d have to be kind to animals, too-- and
maybe a little-- I don’t know-- wild and dangerous!”

Auto/Auta:  “Ooh.”  [Makes growling noise]

Cupcake:  “But I guess that’s just wishful thinking.  I haven’t
exactly been lucky when it comes to love.”

Auto/Auta:  “Call it female intuition-- but I think your luck is
about to change.”

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Sal [in drag]:  “Oh-ho, this is just great.  I can’t believe I
let him talk me into this!  I feel so exposed without my beard!
So vulnerable!  So naked!  So-- so-- so smooth!  Hmmm!”  [Knock
at door]  It’s about time.  Hmm?”

Geckus:  “Well, hello.”

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[ACT II]

Geckus:  “Excuse us, I-- didn’t mean-- to disturb you, Miss-- ”

Sal/Sala:  “Monella-- Sal-monella.”

Geckus:  “What an enchanting [Kisses hand] name!  So full of--
mystery.”

Sal/Sala:  “Can I help you with something?”

Geckus:  “Oh, uh-- have you seen these two men, Miss Monella?”

Sal/Sala:  “No, no no-- never, never, never-- not allowed to have
men-- no, no-- no.”

Geckus:  “Please-- would you mind looking?”

Sal/Sala  [Screams]:  How hideous!”

Geckus:  “Uh-- d-don’t be alarmed-- but these two men have
assassinated the king.  Uh, don’t worry.  We’ve sealed off the
city.  They’ll be found soon enough.”

Sal/Sala:  “I should hope so.  And now, if you’ll excuse me, I
have to get ready for my show.”

Geckus:  “Ah-- you’re a dancer.  I should’ve guessed from the
curvaceous musculature of your-- legs.”

Sal/Sala:  “So kind of you to notice.”

Geckus:  “Oh, very little escapes my watchful eye-- especially
when it is feasting on such a-- gorgeous creature.  Perhaps we’ll
meet again, Miss Monella.”

Sal/Sala:  “Only the Fates can tell!  Bye!”

Geckus:  “Bye”

Sal/Sal:  “Bye!”

Geckus:  “Bye-bye.”

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Auto [in drag]:  “Oh, Salmonella, my friend, I haven’t felt this
way since, ohh-- last week.”

Sal [in drag]:  “Where have you been?!  We’ve gotta get out of
here!”

Auto [in drag]:  “Ohh, that Cupcake-- what a dish--  oo-wee!   I
oughtta have her eating out of the palm of my hand by
suppertime.”

Sal [in drag]:  “Will you forget the girl?! Geckus’s men were
just here.”

Auto [in drag]:  “Oh, yeah?  Well, you’re still alive.  The
disguise must have worked.”

Sal [in drag]:  “A little too well.  He kissed my hand.”

Auto [in drag]:  “Ooh, a wanted man, eh?  You little vixen.  Say,
now this is you.”

Sal [in drag]:  “Are we going somewhere?!”

Auto [in drag]:  “Not we-- me.  I borrowed these threads from a
very-- generous-looking couple.  They didn’t seem to mind.”

Sal [in drag]:  [Makes noise]

Auto’s Voice:  “In fact, they didn’t seem to notice.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Gadzooks!  If I were a woman, I’d kiss
myself.”

Sal [in drag]:  “Wait!  You can’t leave me again like this.”

Auto:  “Sorry, old girl.  You’re grounded.”  [Laughs]

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Cupcake:  “Last one to their room’s a rotten egg!”

Woman’s Voice:  “OK!”

Cupcake:  “I’m so sorry.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Think nothing of it, my Dear.  Why, the
world is just a chaotic stage, just teaming with activity.  A
little bump-and-grind here and there is to be expected.”

Cupcake:  “Well, gee-- I never thought of it that way, Mister.  I
guess you’re right.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Why, where are my manors?  Huh!  I
forgot to introduce myself.  Pharsiferus Von Baklava, Esquire, at
your service.”

Cupcake:  “Ahh!  Golly!  I have never had an esquire at my
service before.  I’m Cupcake.  Oh-- is that your dog?”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Why, yes it is.  Cupcake, meet
Creampuff.  I named her after my greatest culinary creation.”

Cupcake:  “You-- invented the Creampuff?”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “I certainly did.  I own a string of
bakeries all across Greece.  Oh, gods forgive me, but I am a
slave to my sweet-tooth.”

Cupcake:  “Ahh-- you don’t say.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Oh, I do-be-do-- but the money, the
castles-- that can’t mean a thing to me until I know all the
animals of the world are safe and happy.  I guess that’s why I
turned my gardens into a-- sanctuary for abused wildlife.”

Cupcake:  “You mean-- you care about animals that much?”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “How could I not?  Just look at that
face.”

Cupcake:  “Oooh.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus] [Laughs]:  “There, there-- I rescued
Creampuff, here, from a band of murderous pirates.”

Cupcake:  “Oh, my.  That sounds so dangerous.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “It was, Cupcake-- very-- very
dangerous.”

Cupcake:  “Oh-- wow.  It’s not every day that I meet an--
animal-loving, dare-devil, pastry mogul with a sweet-tooth like
mine.”

WT:  “Come on, girls!  Hurry along!  Too many bubbles can make
you go blind!  Cupcake?  Is this-- gentleman bothering you?”

Woman’s Voice:  “Much better, now.”

Cupcake:  “Oh, no.  I was just stroking his poodle.”

WT:  “You hardly know him.  Now, run along.  You’re dripping all
over the floor.”

Cupcake:  “I guess I gotta go.  It was nice meeting you.”

WT:  “Yes, well-- as for you.  If you wish to have anything more
to do with my Cupcake-- you-- will have you go through me-- you--
strapping, young buck.”

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Sal  [Sings]:  “You can lick my lollipop,
And I will suck your lemon-drop.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-- [Screams]  Peeping Tom!”

Auto:  “Don’t flatter yourself, Cookie-puss; it’s me.”

Sal:  “Can’t a girl have some privacy?”

Auto:  “Relax, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.  On second
thought-- ”

Cupcake’s Voice  [Knocks]:  “Autolyca!  It’s Cupcake!  Can I come
in?”

Auto:  “Quick!  Get up and answer the door!  She can’t see me
like this.”

Sal:  “I’m in the tub.”
 
Auto:  “Where are my melons?”

Sal:  “Don’t look at me.”

Cupcake:  “Autolyca?”

Auto/Auta’s Voice:  “Just a minute.  In here, sweetie-- in the
bathroom.” 

Cupcake:  “Oh-- I’m sorry.  Am I interrupting?”

Auto/Auta:  “Not at all, Cuppy.  Three’s company.”

Cupcake:  “Oh, Autolyca, you were right!  I finally met my dream
man.”

Auto/Auta:  “Ho!  Oh, I just knew you would, Snookie-lumps.”

Sal/Sala:  “Mm-hmm?  You know what I always say?  If something
looks too good to be true, it probably is.”

Auto/Auta:  “She’s just jealous.  He sounds wonderful.”

WT:  “And who do we think we are, today?  Xena and Gabrielle?
Now, come on girls!  Chop, chop!  The stage awaits!”

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Auto [in drag]:  “Well-- looks like your not-so-secret admirer is
here.” 

Sal [in drag]:  “Just my luck.  And my shoes don’t even match my
tail!”

WT:  “Oooh, my goodness!  Oh, my goodness!  Oh, my goodness!  Oh,
my goodness!  Oh, my goodness!  Oh, my goodness!”

Cupcake:  “Ohh, what’s the matter?”

WT:  “Rena and Dana-- food poisoning!  I told them to keep away
from that pickled chinchilla!”

Cupcake:  “Oh, but what are we gonna do?!  They were our opening
act!”

WT:  “You two!  You’re on!”

Auto/Auta:  “Us?”

WT:  “Yes!  With your dance experience, the-- Hoochie-Koochie
Jiggle-Wiggle should be no problem at all!”

Sal/Sala:  “Hoo-- Hoochie-Koochie Jiggle-Wiggle?”

Auto/Auta:  “Why, sure-- the-the-the Hoochie-Koochie
Jiggle-Wiggle-- that’s our favorite.”

WT:  “A couple of pros!  I love it.  The show must go on!”

Cupcak:  “Gee!  You gals are a lot braver than I am.  I’d be too
embarrassed to go out there in front of everyone-- and get
naked!”

Sal/Sala and Auto/Auta:  “N-n-n-- naked?”

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[ACT III]

WT:  “Yoo-hoo!  Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  Good evening
and welcome.  Welcome, one and all, to the Athenian Royal
Palladium.  Now-- are there any married men in the audience?”

Male Voices:  “Yes.”  “Yeah, I am.”

WT:  “Well, get home to your wives!  You should be ashamed of
yourselves!”

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WT’s Voice:  “Is there anybody from Corinth?”

Sal [in drag]:  “It’s over!  Finished!  Kaput!  Nothing personal,
but I hate your guts!”

Auto [in drag]:  “You think you got it rough, Gumball [?]-- the
last thing I need to see before I go, is you-- naked!”

Sal [in drag]:  “I don’t wanna die!  I don’t wanna die!  I don’t
wanna die!”

Auto [in drag]:  “Then let’s make like Zeus, and bolt.”

Sal [in drag]:  “How can we?!  Geckus’s guards are everywhere!”

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WT:  “And now-- without any further ado-- I’d like you to put
your hands together for-- the Hoochie-Koochie-- Jiggle-Wiggle.”

Male Voice:  “Yeah!  Bring ‘em on!”

[Sal and Auto perform the Hoochie-Koochie Jiggle-Wiggle.]

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[Geckus’s dream sequence]

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[Back to the Hoochie-Koochie Jiggle-Wiggle]

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WT:  “Oh-- thank you, girls-- that was a sublime performance!
Run along, and have a light supper.  But!  Remember to be back in
time for tonight’s show!”

Women’s Voices:  “Oh, yeah.”  “I think I broke a heel.”

Auto [in drag]:  “Who’d you score with the ‘buds?”

Sal [in drag]:  “Geckus sent them to me.  He wants to meet me for
dinner in his castle.  What do you think?  Should I play
hard-to-get?”

Auto [in drag]:  “Is your wig on too tight?”

Sal [in drag]:  “Aside from the fact that he’s trying to kill us,
he seems like a really nice guy.”

Auto [in drag]:  “Listen, Sallie-- you’re not that kinda girl,
remember?”

Sal [in drag]:  “Oh, what do you know?!  You’re just jealous
‘cause nobody sent you flowers.”

Auto [in drag]:  “Sure, they did.”

Sal [in drag]:  “Hey, give them back!  Nobody ever gave me
flowers, before.”

Auto [in drag]:  “Here’s one for your date.  By the way, clean up
your side of the room, will ya?  It’s a sty.”

Sal [in drag]:  “Well, I never!”

Auto/Auta:  “Cupcake, what’s wrong?”

Cupcake:  “Oh, nothin’.  I was just kinda hoping Pharsiferus
would show.  Maybe he didn’t like me, after all.”

Auto/Auta:  “Now, I know that’s not true-ue-- these came for
you.”

Cupcake:  “Huh?  Oh-- they’re from Pharsiferus!  He wants to meet
me at the gazebo!”

Auto/Auta:  “Oh, that sounds so romantic.  I think he’s the one
for you, Cupcake.  My advice-- don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
And that’s not a long list.”

Cupcake:  “Oh, Autolyca [Kisses him]-- you are so bad!”

Auto [in drag]:  “And it feels so good.”

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-------------------------------

Cupcake:  “I didn’t think you were coming.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “I’m so sorry to keep you waiting,
Sweetcheeks, but-- well, I had a delivery to take care of.”

Cupcake:  “A delivery?”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Yes-- a pregnant yak went into labor.
Oh, but I’ll spare you the gory details.”

Cupcake:  “Oh, no, please.  Tell me what happened.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “There were twins.”

Cupcake:  “Oh.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Two of them.  We tried to reach the
bull, but-- he was out grazing.”

Cupcake:  Oh, Pharsiferus-- you are so brave.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus] [Laughs]:  “Not at all.  It’s what any
extraordinary man in my position would’ve done.  But enough about
me.  I’ve got a little surprise for you.  Now, sit down right
here.”

Cupcake:  “For me?”

Auto [as Pharsiferus] [Laughs]:  “May I?”

Cupcake:  “Uh-huh.  Huh?!  Oh!”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  [Laughs]  [Gives her a donut]

Cupcake:  “Mmm.  [Laughs]  Sprinkles-- my favorite.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus] [Laughs]:  “Give me some sugar, Baby.”
[They kiss.]

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Sal/Sala:  “Oh-- fricasseed squaw[?]-- my favorite.”

Geckus:  “Leave us.  You-- are the most incredible woman I’ve
ever met.  You’re not just a dancer.  You’re an-- artiste.”

Sal/Sala:  “Oh, Geckie.  You’re such a talker!”

Geckus:  “I-- have something for you.”

Sal/Sala:  “No.”

Geckus:  “They’re a family heirloom.  I want you to have them.”

Sal/Sala:  “Oh, Geckus-- I-- I don’t know what to say.  [Cries]
You’re the first man-- who’s ever given me his family jewels.”

Geckus:  “There’s plenty more where they came from.”

Sal/Sala:  “Oh-- ”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

[Auto and Cupcake are kissing.  Cupcake gets up, crying.]

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Oh.  Cupcake, ha-have I done something
wrong.”

Cupcake:  “No.  You’ve done everything right.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Then-- what’s the matter?”

Cupcake:  “I’m so-- happy.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “I’d hate to see you depressed.”

Cupcake:  “I never thought a sm-- small-town girl like me would
be lucky enough to find a swell guy like you.  Most men lie-- and
steal-- and lead double lives.  But it’s different with you.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “It is?”

Cupcake:  “I feel like-- I can trust you.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “You do.”

Cupcake:  “Oh, I may not be the smartest girl in the world,
Pharsiferus-- but if you gave me half a chance-- I know I could
make you happy.  I’m yours.  What’s the matter?”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Cupcake-- I think I-- respect you.”

Cupcake:  “Me, too.”

Auto [as Pharsiferus]:  “Good.  Because, I-- I really have to
go.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Geckus:  “Did you enjoy your dinner, my darling?”

Sal/Sala:  “Yes, thank you.  But, I really should be getting back
to the theater, now.”

Geckus:  “Oh, but you’ll miss the best part-- dessert.”

Sal/Sala:  “I don’t eat dessert on the first date!”

Geckus:  “I must have you.”

Sal/Sala:  “But, you don’t know anything about me!”

Geckus:  “I know enough.  I know I love you.”

Sal/Sala:  “No!  I’m not that kind of girl!”

Geckus:  “I don’t care what kinda girl you are.  All I care about
is us.  And now my no-good brother is out of the way-- we can
have the world.”

Sal/Sala:  “But I thought you _loved_ your brother.”

Geckus:  “Loved him?  I loathed him.  Having him killed was my
greatest triumph.  Now-- kiss me before I explode

[Sal/Sala’s wig falls off, exposing “her” as Sal.]

Sal [in Sala’s Voice]:  “Does this mean we still can’t be
friends?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

[ACT IV]

Auto  [dressed as Pharsiferus]:  “Salmoneus?  Where are ya?
Well, at least one of us got lucky.”

[Door knocks]

Auto [Auta’s Voice]:  “Who is it?”

Cupcake:  “It’s Cupcake.  I need to talk to you.”

Auto [Auta’s Voice]:  “Uh-- ju-just a minute.  [Changes]  Why
Cupcake, what’s the matter?”

Cupcake:  “Oh, Autolyca.  I don’t know what I did wrong.  He just
left me.”

Auto/Auta:  “Oh, there, there, dear.”

Cupcake:  “I guess I was stupid to think that-- someone like
that-- could love me.”

Auto/Auta:  “Now, you listen to me, Cupcake.  There is nothing
wrong with you.  You’re heart’s as big as they come.  And if he
can’t see what I see, then-- he doesn’t deserve you.”

Cupcake:  “You’re so good to me, Autolyca.  Why-- you’re the best
friend I ever had.”

Auto/Auta:  “Cupcake-- there’s-- something I should tell you.”

Geckus:  “Well, well, well.  I should complement you on your
fashion sense.  You almost had me fooled-- almost.”

Cupcake:  “Who are you?”

Geckus:  “You just don’t know when to quit, do you?  I had you
pegged as a guy, from the get-go!”

Cupcake:  “Ow!  Let go of me!”

Auto [in dress]:  “All right, cut it out!  [Takes off wig]  It’s
me you want.  I’m sorry, Cupcake.  I-- I tried to tell ya.”

Geckus:  “Take him to my castle-- and summon the executioner.”

Cupcake:  “Get your hands off me!”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Auto [in dress]:  “I never meant to hurt you, Cupcake-- honest.”

Cupcake:  “Honest-- that’s a laugh.”

Sal [in dress]:  “Aren’t _you_ the heartbreaker?”

Auto [in dress]:  “Me?  What about you?  If you’d been a better
date, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

Sal [in dress]:  “If I’d been a better date, I’d be picking up a
wedding dress, now.”

Auto [in dress]:  “Would that be so bad?  Some people struggle
their whole lives to find love.”

Sal [in dress]:  “I’m just not ready for that kind of
committment-- OK?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Cupcake’s Voice:  “Will you two shut up?!”

Sal’s Voice:  “He started it!”

Auto [in dress]:  “If I could just reach under my skirt.”

Sal [in dress]:  “You are desperate.”

Geckus:  “I just stopped by to tell you-- you’ll be dead,
shortly.”

Auto [in dress]:  “Leave the girl out of this, will ya?  It’s us
you want.”

Sal [in dress]:  “Yeah, she doesn’t know you killed your brother,
and set us up for the fall.  Ooops.”

Auto [in dress]:  “Listen, from now on, whatever instinct you
have-- do the opposite.”

Geckus:  “I set you up, because you are an idiot.  You-- just
happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, which makes
you-- an idiot, too.”

Cupcake:  “You’re telling me.”

Geckus:  “Well-- enough chat.  Time to die.”

Sal [in dress]:  “Now would be a good time for some moves.” 

Auto [in dress]:  “Ah, keep your skirt on.”

Geckus:  “Kill them!”

[Auto does some really neat fighting.]

Auto [in dress]:  “Come on!”

Cupcake:  “Come on!  Let’s go!” 

Auto [in dress]:  “May I?”

Cupcake:  “Uh!”

Sal [in dress, using Sala’s Voice]:  “You may.”

Cupcake:  “Come on!”

Auto [in dress]:  “Nah!”

Cupcake:  “Hurry!”

Geckus:  “After them!”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

WT:  “Oh.  Now then, girls.  We’re a few short-- so I’m going to
improvise.  Now then--  I want to see those legs-- high in the
air!  But not too far apart.  Come on!”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

WT:  “Ohh!”

[Rockette dance number]

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Sal [in dress]:  “I think we lost them.”

Auto [in dress]:  “Yeah?  You think they know that?”

Cupcake:  “Well, boys-- any more bright ideas?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Sal [in dress]:  “Oh!  That hurt!”

Soldier:  “There they are!”

WT:  “It’s about time you gentlemen showed up!”

Auto [in dress]:  “You knew we were men?

WT:  “Oh!  Stuck out like a sore thumb.”

[Another really neat fight scene]

Soldier:  “Get him!”

Sal [in dress]:  “Help!”

WT:  “Oh, well-- I think that just about does it.  Ohh!”

Cupcake:  “Oh!”

Geckus:  “Nobody move-- or I cut the ‘cake!”

Auto [in dress]:  “Wait, don’t hurt her.  Um-- take us, instead.”

Sal [in dress]:  “What are you, nuts!”

Geckus:  “Not another step!”

Auto [in dress]:  “He’s a maniac!  He killed the king!”

[Audience boos]

Geckus:  “No!  No, it’s not true!  I loved my brother!  He-- he
was like-- family to me.”

Cupcake:  “Uh!  Men!”

[Audience cheers]

[Dancers take a bow.]

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Auto:  “Enjoy your stay [Laughs].  Cupcake, um-- I know there’s
nothing I could ever say to make up for what I’ve done, and--
well, you have no reason to believe a louse like me, but-- when I
told you I didn’t deserve you-- I, um-- well, I meant it.”

Cupcake:  “Well-- it was interesting-- knowing you.”

Auto:  “Cupcake-- the guy you’re looking for is out there.  I
know you’ll find him.”

Cupcake:  “Who knows?  Maybe you’ll be that guy-- some day.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Sal:  “I feel like such a fool.  I thought he liked me for me.
Men-- they’re only interested in one thing.  I never thought I’d
say this-- but I feel so, so-- used.”

WT:  “Oh, well, never mind, love.  I mean, it’s his loss.”

Sal:  “Actually, uh-- it is.  [They laugh.]  Question-- uh, if
you knew that we were men, why’d you play along?”

WT:  “Well, I think all men should walk a mile in women’s shoes.
They might learn a thing or two.  Don’t you agree-- Sonny?”

Auto:  “You said it-- Twanky.”

WT:  “Oh!”

Sal:  “Actually, my feet are killing me.”

Auto:  “Well, gotta run.”

WT:  “Well, goodbye boys.  And remember.  I’ll always keep a warm
spot open for you.  You come back anytime.”

Auto:  “You never know.”

WT:  [Mouths]  “Bye.”

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