 |
|
|
|
“Porkules” Episode 75/416 [TEASER] Ares: “Uh! Huh. Huh?” Discord: “Redecorating? Still upset about Strife, huh? He was a geek with the IQ of a sponge. Take my word for it-- he’s better off dead.” Ares: “Still-- he _was_ fun to kick around.” Discord: “I think I may have found a way to cheer you up.” Ares: “Oh-- let me guess. You hatched a plan to rid the world of my overrated half-brother. So, what else is new?” Discord: “All right-- enough’s enough. Snap out of it. You’re starting to become a real drag.” Ares: “Why, Discord-- I’d forgotten what a temper you have.” Discord: “I know we haven’t been the best of-- friends, lately. So, why don’t you let me make it up to you?” Ares: “Oh-- what did you have in mind?” Discord: “Why spoil the fun? Let me just say that, by the end of the day-- you’ll be so-- tickled-- you’ll want me to be your second-in-command.” Ares: “Strife’s body’s not even cold, yet. You have no shame! And I _like_ your style!” Discord: “Oh, baby-- there’s a whole lot more of me to like-- if you know where to look.” Ares: “Oh, you know I do. Go-- impress me.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I: “So, the bear sits down. The tavernkeeper says, ‘You know? [Clears throat] We don’t get too many bears in here.’ And the bear says, ‘Well-- at these prices, I’m not surprised!’” [Laughs] H: “OK, I guess that one was kind of funny.” I: “You know? Um-- usually, when people say something’s funny, they like-- laugh?” H: “Sorry.” I: “Well, at least Jason’ll find it a hoot. He’s got a sense of humor.” H: “Ah, I’ve got a sense of humor. I just, uh-- exercise it wisely.” I: “Oh, ho, ho, ho. You know? I can’t believe Jason and Alcmene are celebrating their second anniversary.” H: “Hmm.” I: “Boy, time flies.” H: “That’s not the only thing.” I: “Huh?” Hermes: “Whoo-hoo! What’s up, Herc?” H: “You are. Oh, Iolaus-- meet Hermes, the messenger of the gods.” I: “Hi.” Hermes: “All riiiight. You guys are my last gig of the day. It’s a good thing, too-- my feet are _killing_ me.” H: “Well-- so, do you have a message for me?” Hermes: “Of course, I’ve got a message for ya. Uh, it says here, someone swiped Artemis’ bow from her temple. She’s all tied up at Olympus, and wants you to help her out.” H: “Somebody stole Artemis’ bow?” Herme: “What did I just say? Didn’t I just say that?” I: “Well, Hercules-- it looks like we’re gonna be late arriving at your mother’s.” H: “Uh, it shouldn’t take too long. I think I have a _pretty_ good idea who we’re looking for.” I: “Autolycus! Last time I saw that two-bit hustler, he almost got me killed.” H: “Well, I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you, too.” Hermes: “Well, I gotta bail. I’m cruisin’ over the palladium later-- t’check out the mud wrestling. [Whistles] It’s real dirty, if you know what I mean. Later, dudes! Whoo-hoo!” I: “Let me guess, um-- he and Aphrodite, are-- like, uh, _tight_, man.” H: “Or, like, uh-- totally, dude.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Soldier: “Two for you. Two for you. Now, that’s the last of it. You three-- take the king’s gold to his vault. You! Stand guard.” Autolycus [Auto]: “Yes, sir. You can count on me-- to take as much as I can carry while you’re gone. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ha-ha-ha. Hercules! Ah-- whatever your name is. What a pleasant surprise!” H: “I wish I could say the same, Autolycus. Isn’t stealing the king’s gold a little beneath you?” Auto: “How good of you to notice. You see, I figure, every so often, a fella just _has_ to go back to basics. Besides, the king-- ahh, he’s plenty rich. What about the needs of the people?” I: “Oh, come on! You don’t care about the people.” Auto: “Of course, I do-- I happen to be one of ‘em. Well-- as much as I’ve enjoyed this little reunion, I haven’t enjoyed it-- that much. Good day. Uh-- ahhh!” H: “Where’s Artemis’ bow?” Auto: “Ah-- my fame spreads like wildfire.” I: “Nope-- like a bad rash.” Auto: “Oh-- fellas, admit it. You’re impressed. How many mortals can steal from a god and get away with it?” H: “You didn’t get away with it. We’re here to take it back.” Auto: “Oh, right, uh-- well, I’d love to help you out-- I really would-- but, the problem is, uh-- I sold it. Oh! Ah.” H: “You sold it?! To whom?” Auto: “If I told you, I would be violating the sanctity of the thief-client relationship.” H: “Autolycus, you’re not gonna fast-talk your way out of this one.” Auto: “Oh, all right, I’ll tell you.” [Discord shoots H with arrow] H: “Ah! Ow, that-- hurts.” [Turns into a piglet] Discord: [Chuckles] “The other white meat.” Auto and I: “Hercules?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT I] I: “Hercules!” Auto: “Has he ever done this before?” I: “I can’t believe this! You! This is _your_ fault!” Auto: “Me?! What?! I didn’t want this to happen! I didn’t turn him into a pig.” I: “Yeah, well-- whoever had the bow _did_! I hope it was worth it.” Auto: “Hey, hey-- I didn’t just do it for the money.” I: “Oh, that’s big of you.” Auto: “You see, when you are the single most gifted thief that ever lived, you’ve gotta find new ways to _challenge_ yourself. Stealing from a god seemed like a good start.” I: “You need your head read! Now, listen-- who has the bow?” Auto: “Well, I didn’t catch her name, uh-- black hair, black leather, sort of sexy in a tie-me-down-and-hurt-me kind of way.” I: “Oh-- Discord. You sold Artemis’ bow to Discord!” Auto: “Well, how was I supposed to know who she was?!” I: “Can you believe this guy?! Yeah, uh-- you, know, we’re gonna have to go and find a way to get that bow back. Come on-- Herc.” Soldier: “Let’s go, men. Huh?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ares: [Laughs] Discord: “Am I good? Or am I _bad_?” Ares: “Oh, the worst-- no, you, you’ve-- outdone yourself this time.” Discord: “I have, haven’t I? Hmm.” Ares: “I suppose [clears throat and wipes eye]-- my brother-- is gonna hafta change his name to, um-- Porkules!” [Ares and Discord laugh.] Discord: “Ah-- admit it-- you’ve missed me.” Ares: “Ohhhh-- let’s not get ahead of ourselves. This is almost as good as killing Hercules-- almost. Unfortunately, pig or no pig-- Zeus’s decree still protects the little-- oinker.” Discord: “True-- we may not be able to kill Hercules-- but it’s gonna be a whole lot easier for someone else to-- and I think I know just the man for the job.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Auto: “Say, uh-- where are we going?” I: “Where there’s Discord, there’s Ares. We’ve gotta get to his temple to get the bow. It’s the only thing that can turn Hercules back into himself.” Auto: “Oh-ho, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-- Ares? As in-- god of war, Ares?” I: “Yeah?” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha. Well give him my regards. Tell him I really loved what he did with that whole Troy thing.” I: “Now, wait a minute! Hercules has done an awful lot for you. You owe him.” Auto: “Listen-- you and I both know, if the big guy could talk, he would tell us not to stick our necks out for him. Besides-- he _loves_ being a pig. Just look at the little guy. Ahhh!” I: “This is all just a joke to you, isn’t it?” Auto: “You little-- ” I: “Well, let me tell you something, buddy. Hercules is the _best_ friend I ever had-- and yeah, you’re right-- he wouldn’t want us to risk our necks to save him-- which is exactly why we’re _going_ to. Now, he’d do the same for me-- even for you.” Auto: “Well, much as I hate to admit it, you’ve got a point.” I: “Right. Now, come on.” Auto: “Just one more thing, buddy-boy. You touch me again and I’ll-- ” I: “What?” Auto: “I’ll--- be just as upset then as I am now?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Colchis: “Discord-- my black rose. Where have you been?” Discord: “Don’t start getting possessive on me, Colchis. You’re lucky I’m consorting with a mortal at all.” Colchis: “Consort? Interesting choice of words for what we’ve done together.” Discord: [Laughs] “Don’t flatter yourself, lover. I’ve been around since time began. You couldn’t even begin to count the notches on my bedpost.” Colchis: “What can I say? I love a woman with experience.” Discord: “I want you to do something for me.” Colchis: “I hope it involves candlewax.” Discord: “You say the sweetest things-- but no, it involves a pig.” Colchis: “I’ll try anything once.” Discord: “No, you moron-- I’m talking about a very special pig-- a pig I want you to kill.” Colchis: “But Discord, I’m the best hunter in the world. Why would I wanna kill a pig?” Discord: “Because _this_ pig_-- is Hercules.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Woman’s Voice: “Here-- try this.” I: “It’s Ok, Herc. Yeah, I know.” Vendor: “Hey-- I’ll give ya ten dinar for that pig.” I: “Uh-- no thanks. He’s-- kind of a-- family friend.” Auto: “Make it fifteen and I’ll throw in the pants. Don’t get your tail in a curl, Hercules. I was joking.” I: “Yeah-- you’d sell your own mother if the price was right.” Auto: “You better stop looking down your nose at me, Blondie. I’ve had it up to my mustache with your insults.” I: “The truth hurts, doesn’t it?” Auto: “Yeah, so does my fist.” I: “Oh, yeah?” Auto: “Uh-huh.” I: “Yeah?” Auto: “Yeah.” Colchis: “Hand over the pig! Or suffer Discord’s wrath.” Auto: “Now, I suppose this is my fault, too.” I: “No, it’s my fault for bothering to argue with a chiseler like you.” Colchis: “Surrender!” Auto: “A wise move. Now-- throw down your weapons, and say you’re sorry! Pass me the pig.” I: “What?” Auto: “Pass me the pig and I’ll get him outta here.” I: “Are you kidding? I wouldn’t trust you with my whole lunch order.” I: “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Herc! Wait!” Auto: “Hercules.” Colchis: “The hounds!” Auto: “Oh-- way to fumble the pig-skin, pal.” I: “Hey, don’t start with me!” Auto: “Why? What’re you gonna do?” Colchis: “Get them!” [Beginning of big fight] [Porkules beats up dogs off-screen.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Fight continues] Colchis: “Get in there!” [More fighting] Warrior: “Ahhhhhhhh!” Colchis: “After them!” Auto: “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!” I: “Gang way! Come on! Over here!” Auto: “Thank you!” I: “Thanks!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Butcher: “Well-- ain’t you a well-dressed little morsel? And I just felt like some pork chops tonight.” [Laughs] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT II] I: “Herc-- where’d he go? Hercules!” Colchis: “This time-- there’s no escape!” [More fighting] Auto: “Ha-ha! Oh!” I: “Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” Auto: “That’s right-- spread the word! I’m a lover _and_ a fighter!” I: “Come on-- we gotta get that wagon!” Colchis: “Ahhh!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ But: “Yah! Yah!” Catherine [Cath]: “Hi, there. Nice day for a ride, don’t you think?” Porkules [Pork]: “Huh?” Cath: “I’m Catherine. It’s nice to have some company.” Pork: “Uh-- are-are-are you talking-- to me?” Cath: “Who else would I be talking to?” Pork: “No offense, but y-you’re-- you’re a pig.” Cath: “Well, have you seen your reflection in the river, lately? I hate to break it to you, but-- you’re a pig, too.” Pork: “Good point.” Cath: “So, you got a name, or what?” Pork: “I’m-- Hercules.” Cath: [Chuckles] “Yeah-- sure-- and I’m Aphrodite.” Pork: “I-- I guess I don’t blame you for not believing me, but, I’m telling you the truth.” Cath: “OK, I’ll play along. If you’re really the son of Zeus-- show me how strong you are.” Pork: “I can’t. The truth is, I’m having a little trouble getting used to this body.” Cath: “I’m not.” Pork: “Oh, boy.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Auto: “Slow down, will ya?!” I: “We can’t afford to slow down! We gotta get Hercules, before those killers do!” Auto: “You know, for your information, if you had trusted me back there-- Hercules would be safe and sound right about now.” I: “Yeah, or maybe you’d’a sold him off to the highest bidder.” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha. You’ve got me all wrong, Curly. You know, I may be a thief, but there are some things that even _I_ won’t do.” I: “Like what?!” Auto: “Like-- I won’t drink red wine with fish.” I: “Ah!” Auto: “I won’t eat the horse I rode in on. And I would never-- never sell out a friend-- which, of course, does not apply to you.” I: “Yeah, well-- thanks for clearing that up. Oh, boy. There’s gotta be over a dozen tracks, here. Hah-- we got a lot of ground to cover.” Auto: “Oh-- hold your camels, Cleopatra. My feet are killing me.” I: “Wait a minute. That’s it-- feet! You know? If we had Hermes’ sandals-- we could cover this entire province in no time!” Auto: “Oh, ho-ho-- sure! And he’ll be more than happy to give ‘em to us. Have you lost a wagon wheel?” I: “Wait a second! Aren’t you the king of thieves? Oh-- not up to the challenge, huh?” Auto: “Oh, I see how you are, Mr. Morals-- stealing is OK, as long as it suits you, huh?” I: “Listen, we don’t have a choice! Besides, we can return the sandals after we’re done.” Auto: “All right-- I’ll help you steal those sandals, but we do it my way-- Capeche (sp?)?” I: “Yeah-- sure. Now, come on! I know where we can find Hermes!” Auto: “Oh, you gotta be kiddin’ me.” I: “Come on! Get the lead out!” Auto: “Yeah-- yeah.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Butcher: “Yah! Giddap! Come on-- yah!” Cath: “I knew there was more to life than the farm, but I didn’t realize the world was so big.” Pork: “How’d you get here, anyway?” Cath: “See? My folks are what you call traditional. They still treat me like a baby. So I ran away.” Pork: “Your parents are probably worried about you, Catherine. The world’s a dangerous place.” Cath: “Yeah? Well-- thanks, Hercules, but I can take care of myself.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Discord: “Well, Colchis-- your little outing today was a complete success-- if you were looking to _embarrass_ yourself.” Colchis: “It’s not my fault, Discord. I’ve never seen ham run so fast.” Discord: “If you don’t find that pig-- you’re name’s mud.” Colchis: “I love it when you talk dirty.” Discord: “Let me put it to you another way-- no pork-- no party.” Colchis: “Why didn’t you say so in the first place? I’ll find him.” Ares: “So-- this is where you spend your nights. Classy. I can see why you’ve been so secretive-- playing house with that pathetic excuse for a warrior.” Discord: “There’s nothing wrong with a little-- diversion from time to time. Besides-- you’ve been such a party-pooper, lately-- and you know how I hate to sleep alone.” Ares: “Make no mistake, Discord-- if your little taxidermist fails again-- I’ll make sure he sleeps six feet underground.” Discord: “Stay out of this, Ares. If Colchis fails me, I’ll deal with him-- in my own way.” Ares: “If I didn’t know you better-- I’d say you actually _cared_ for that knuckle-dragger.” Discord: “And if I didn’t know you better-- I’d say you were jealous.” [Makes kissing noise] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Mud fight] Man’s Voice: “I give her six-to-one odds!” Hermes: “All right!” [Laughs] I [aside to Auto]: “This thing itches.” Auto [aside to I]: “Well, you said he knows what you look like. Now, just keep your yap shut-- and let me do the talkin’.” I [aside to Auto]: “OK.” Auto/Masseur: “You, sir.” Hermes: “Ah, me?” Auto/Masseur: “If I’m not mistaken-- and I never am-- you’re a god, aren’t you?” Hermes: “Yeah?” Auto/Masseur: “Doesn’t mean-- you don’t get tired-- am I right?” Hermes: “Hmm.” Auto/Masseur: “Let me ask you something.” Hermes: “Hmm?” Auto/Masseur: “Are you-- overworked? Underpaid? And altogether unappreciated? Ha-ha! Well, brother-- we got the cure for what ails you.” Hermes: “You have?” Auto/Masseur: “We certainly do. Why, our fine line of skin-care products-- will leave you feeling _fresh_ as the day Zeus made you. We start out with sandalwood oil-- and a brisk massage to loosen up those aching muscles.” Hermes: “But I don’t-- !” Auto/Masseur: “Kids, don’t try this at home. We follow that with a very rare mud-- brought in from the banks of the river-- Legasus-- opens the pores-- elongs elasticity-- and curls the chest hair.” Hermes: “Haven’t I seen you some-- ?” I/Masseur: “Nope!” Auto/Masseur: “And last but not least-- our own special concoction-- reticulated rhubarb oil-- smuggled across the sea by seven Vestal virgins. Where they hid the rhubarb-- I can only imagine.” Hermes: “No way.” Auto/Masseur: “Oh, yes, my friend-- big way. Now, you just lie there, and let our goodies work their magic, eh? And if you’re not satisfied with the results, you come and see us for a full refund-- ” Auto [aside to I]: “-- if you can find us. Quick, let’s am-scray.” I [aside to Auto]: “Pig Latin-- huh-- how appropriate.” Hermes: “Hmm-- rhubarb, huh?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Cath: “I got a bad feeling about this place.” Pork: “Listen, I promise, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Sheep [Woolus]: “The pig’s right. We’ve gotta find a way out of here.” Goose: “Relax, Woolus. Three meals a day-- warm place to sleep-- could be worse.” Woolus: “Uh-uh, no. Remember Cluckus-- that rooster, who thought he owned the place? They took him away. We never heard from him again.” Goose: “What you talkin’ about, Woolus?” Cow: “Why on Earth would anyone want to hurt us?” Pork: “For food-- I’m sorry to tell you this, but-- we’re in a slaughterhouse. And the man who brought us here is a butcher.” Cow: “What do you know?! You’re just a common pig!” Parrot: “Maybe so, Daddy-O-- but he’s a pig with a point. Truth of it is-- I’ve seen animals like you come and go for years. I’m sorry, folks-- there’s nothin’ you can do.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Auto: “So, tell me-- what was it like watching the king of thieves in action?” I: “From what I saw, I’m surprised you’re not in prison already.” Auto: “In case you haven’t noticed, I swindled two gods in one day. Now-- ha-ha-- I hate to toot my own horn, but, uh-- toot, toot.” I: “For your information-- I used to be a thief-- and _you_ are nothing special.” Auto: “Well, then it all makes perfect sense. You’re jealous!” I: “Of you? Ha!” Auto: “Hey-- denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Curly. You look at me, and you see everything you wish you were-- everything you could have been, today.” I: “Now, listen you! I was ten times the thief you are!” Auto: “‘Was’ being the operative word. Now look at you. You’re nothing but a waterboy to a half-god. No! To a pig!” I: “Well, that’s because I know that-- that making a living out of other people’s hard work is nothing different than being a, a-- !” Auto: “Parasite?” I: “Parasite, yeah!” Auto: “Say, how’s the weather up there on your-- high horse?!” I: “Oh-- oh. You should tell me.” Auto: “Well, it’s a little windy, actually, I-- ooh! Ohh! Ooh! Iolaus, I-- oh, ahh! Ooh! Ohh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Look, Ma-- no hands! Ohh. How about that? I could get used to this god thing. Hey! Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo! Whoa-ho-ho-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-ho! Whoo! Hee! Whoa! Whoa! He-he-he-he! Whoa! Stop this crazy thing!” [Takes off, yelling all the way] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Butcher: “Shut up, all of ya! And this little pig-- went wee-wee-wee-wee-wee! All the way to the chopping-block!” [Laughs] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT III] Butcher: “OK, little guy-- this is gonna be fast and painless!” [Laughs] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Auto: [Yells] I: “Autolycus! Come on! Fly straight! Hey! Hey!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Pork: “OK-- think, Herc.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Pork: “Good timing. Excuse me. Out of the way-- coming through” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Pork: “You miss me?” Cath: “You really _are_ Hercules!” Pork: “Time to get out of here-- follow me.” Cath: “Right behind you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Woolus: “Baa! We’re free! We’re free! Whoo-hoo!” Cow: “Now’s our chance. Quickly, everyone!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Auto: “I gotta tell ya-- this whole flying thing is for the birds!” I: “You all right?” Auto: “What do _you_ care?” I: “Hey-- just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean to say I want you _dead_ or anything.” Auto: “Iolaus, that’s almost a nice thing to say.” I: “Well-- don’t let it go to your head. Where’s Hercules?” Auto: “Huh.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Cath: “You-- you came back to save us-- even though you could’ve been killed!” Pork: “I promised I wouldn’t let anything happen to you, and-- ” Cath: “You were right-- the world’s a dangerous place. I didn’t know people could be so cruel.” Pork: “Yes, they can. But-- they’re not all bad.” Cath: “If you’re really one of them-- I guess that’s true. I owe you.” Parrot: “You said it. Hallelujah! Free at last. Thanks, Hercules.” Pork: “You’re welcome.” I: “Hercules. Hey. Come on. Thank the gods you’re OK.” Parrot: “Pig says, ‘It’s good to see you, too.’” Auto: “Wait a minute. Are you saying-- y-you understand him?” Parrot: “Of course, I can. [Squawks] That’s the problem with you humans. You never take the time to listen to us animals.” Auto: “You know, it’s not bad enough I have to listen to you lecture to me all day. Now, I gotta take it from bird-brain, here.” Parrot: “Now, now-- let’s not forget, I can jump off this here branch, and decorate your head, faster than you can say, ‘Sasquatch.’” Auto: “Sasquatch!” I: “Will you just stop it! Discord’s men are still on the prowl! We gotta get to someplace safe!” Parrot: “Pig says, ‘We’ll be safe at Alcmene’s.’” [Squawks] I: “Good thinking, Herc. Come on. Let’s go there. Oh, uh-- would you mind coming with us? We could-- do with a translator.” Parrot: “Yeah-- I got nothin’ better to do. By the way-- you got any crackers?” I: “Better not mess up my shoulder, pal.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Alcmene: “Jason-- I’m worried. Hercules was supposed to be here before lunch.” Jason: “Aw, he’ll be along, soon enough. Sweetheart-- if we had a dinar for everytime Hercules was late because he stopped to help somebody, we’d be rich by now.” Alcmene: [Chuckles] I: “Hope she’s not roasting pork. Alcmene!” Jason: “There-- what did I tell you?” Alc: “Iolaus, where have you been?” Jason: “Why is that pig dressed like Hercules?” I: “Well-- ” Auto: “Allow me to explain. You see-- who’s to say one lifestyle is better than another? Why-- just the other day, I ran into a gnome-- a little fella.” I: “Will you shut up?! Alcmene-- Hercules is-- ” Alcmene: “-- going to be late.” I: “No, no-- um-- he’s-- ” Jason: “He’s not coming, is he?” I: “There’s no easy way to say this. [Clears throat] Alcmene-- this pig-- is-- Hercules.” Alcmene: [Laughs] “Oh, Iolaus, is this one of your practical jokes?” I: “I’m aftraid not.” Alcmene: “Hercules?” [Faints] Auto: “Oh, that was smooth.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Colchis: “Two pigs-- two men-- one walking with a heavier gait. He has something on his shoulder-- a bird of some kind. And look-- the sideways shuffle of the pig on the left indicates-- she can’t keep her eyes off the pig on the right. Hercules! Shouldn’t be far, now.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jason: “Sweetheart-- you all right?” Alcmene: “Oh, Jason, I-I had the worst dream. Hercules was turned into a pig.” Jason: “I’m afraid that was no dream.” Alcmene: “But-- how?” I: “Well-- it’s a-- long story, Alcmene, uh-- let’s just say that-- Ares and Discord are up to their old tricks.” Alcmene: “Hercules-- come here, Sweetheart. You know, it doesn’t matter. I still love you. I always will.” Jason: “And that goes for me too, buddy.” Alcmene: “By the way-- who’s your friend?” Parrot: [Squawks] “That’s Catherine. You’re son rescued us from a butcher, Ma’am.” [Squawks] Jason: “I told you he was helping someone.” Auto: “So, you got yourself a new girlfriend, huh? You deviled ham, you.” I: “Oh, please.” Alcmene: “Any friend of Hercules is welcome in our home. She seems-- very sweet, Son.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Colchis: “Light ‘em up, men. Be ready! Little pig-- little pig! Let me in or I’ll huff ‘n’ I’ll puff, and I’ll-- burn your house down!” Warriors: [Cheer] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT IV] Alc: “What are we gonna do?” I: “We’re gonna fight. That’s what we’re gonna do.” Auto: “Yeah, we’re gonna-- we’re gonna do what?” Pork: “Stay close to me, Catherine, I-- ” Cath: “My turn to help you, Hercules.” Pork: “No! Catherine, wait!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Colchis: “There he is! Grab him!” Warriors: “Yeah!” “Yeah!” “There he is!” “Yeah!” “Alley-oop!” Colchis: “Too easy. Discord _will_ be pleased. To the temple!” Warriors: [Cheer] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Auto: “Oh, those morons-- they got the wrong pig!” I: “Yeah-- but if know my pal-- we’re about to embark on a rescue mission.” Auto: “Not to mention, we still need that bow.” I: “Oh-ho-ho-- well, well, well-- ” Auto: “What? What did I do now?” I: “Well, for a moment there, it sounded like you cared.” Auto: “Yeah, well-- don’t let it go to your head.” Jason: “So, what are we waiting for?” Parrot: [Squawks] “Uh-huh-- right on! [Squawks] The sandals? Ah-- OK, then. Listen up, everybody-- here’s the plan.” [Squawks] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Discord: “All right-- let’s see the sausage.” Colchis: “I thought you’d never ask.” Discord: “Cool it, Colchis. I’m talking about the pig.” Colchis: “Of course. Well, my little love-muffin-- are you ready to Rumba?” Discord: “You idiot! This isn’t Hercules!” Colchis: “What?!” Discord: “That pig’s a girl!” Ares: “Well, Discord-- I’m afraid your-- boy-toy-- has embarrassed us long enough.” Colchis: “No-- please-- give me one more chance.” Ares: “Hey! You’re fired.” Colchis: [Screams as he’s fried] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Alcmene: “Oh, boys-- excuse me. I’m lost. Can you help me? Look out! Well, that’s what happens when you mess with _my_ son.” Jason: “Can you take care of him?” Alcmene: “My pleasure.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Discord: “I wasn’t _done_ with him yet!” Ares: “Well, I _was_.” Discord: “You had no right!” Ares: “And you have no taste! I’ve seen more imposing shrubs!” Discord: “Oh, puhlease! Don’t even get me started on the sleazes that slink out of your temple in the morning!” Ares: “We-ell, the mortal, the merrier-- that’s what I always say.” Discord: “It’s disgusting!” Ares: “Oh-ho! Sounds like jealousy to me.” Discord: “In your-- ” Auto: “Ooh!” Discord: “-- wildest-- ” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-- don’t let me interrupt. I just, uh-- dropped in to repo the bow. This particular brand, you see, has been recalled, and well-- I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt--especially me. [Screams] Ooh! [Coughs] Wow, that hurt.” [Fight] I: “Wah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Wahhh!” Ares: “Ahh.” Auto: “Ha-ha! Ha. Oooh! Let-- me-- have it!” [Discord lets him have it.] Ares: “I don’t remember inviting you to the barbeque-- but if you insist.” [Pork flips Ares.] Discord: “You want it? You’ve got it.” Auto: “Oh! Oh! Oh! Not the face! Not the face! Oh, little birdie-- ha.” I: “Way to go, Favio.” Discord: “Ahhh!” Auto: “Ha-ha. What’s the matter, Discord? Chicken?” I: “Unless you wanna be the god of gophers-- you better make like a tornado-- and blow.” Ares: “I won’t forget this. You! Are on my list.” I: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey! Don’t forget your chicken.” Auto: [Under his breath] “Anytime, anywhere.” [Jason and I laugh.] Cath: “Hercules!” Pork: “Don’t worry-- you’re safe, now.” Cath: “Thanks to you.” Pork: “Catherine-- what you did was very brave-- but you shouldn’t have risked your life for me.” Cath: “I owed you one.” Pork: “Well-- now we’re even.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Cath: “After all I’ve seen today-- I think I made a mistake, running away.” Pork: “You know, it’s not too late to go back.” Cath: “Will you-- come with me?” Pork: “It would be my pleasure to take you home.” Cath: “Hercules-- when you’re back in your body-- would you do me one last favor?” Pork: “Anything.” Cath: “Would you hold me-- like your mother held you?” I: “You ready, buddy?” Alcmene: “Hercules.” H: “Mother.” Alcmene: “It is _so_ good to have you back.” H: “It’s, uh-- good to be back, believe me. Jason, I, uh-- look, I’m sorry I missed your anniversary. I, uh-- haven’t been feeling myself, lately.” Jason: [Chuckles] “Having you back’s good enough for us.” Auto: “I guess under-- different circumstances, we-- still would hate each other.” I: “Yeah-- well-- for once-- I agree with you.” Auto: “That’s a start.” H: “Glad to see you guys getting along so well-- ‘cause I’d like the two of you to do me a favor.” Auto: “Well, we took on three gods and saved your curly tail. I guess we can help you out again. Name it.” H: “First, I want you to bring those, uh-- sandals back to Hermes, before you hurt somebody? And I’ll return Artemis’ bow myself-- on the way.” I: “Ah-- on the way?” H: “On the way to take a friend home-- like I promised. Oh, Mother, uh-- I’ll-- I’ll write.” Auto: “He’s certifiable, you know that.” I: “Yeah-- but I wouldn’t have him any other way.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to return to the HTLJ PORKULES page.
 |  |