 |
|
|
|
“One Fowl Day” Episode 417/76 [TEASER] Narrator: “Last time, on Hercules-- ” [[[[[[Autolycus [Auto]: “Hercules!” Auto and I: “Hercules?” Colchis: “Why would I wanna kill a pig?” Discord: “Because this pig-- is Hercules.” Catherine [Cath]: “Hi, there. Nice day for a ride, don’t you think? I’m Catherine.” Porkules: “Are-are-- are you talkin’-- to me?” I: “If we had Hermes’ sandals-- we could cover this _entire province_ in no time!” Auto: “I’ll help you steal those sandals, but we do it my way, capeche?” Porkules: “We’re in a slaughterhouse-- and the man who brought us here is a butcher.” Porkules: “OK-- think, Herc.” I: [Laughs] Auto: “Stop this crazy thing! Whoooa! Oo-ooh! Ooh! Whoa!” Discord: “You idiot! This isn’t Hercules!” Colchis: “What?!” Discord: “That pigs’s a girl!” Ares: “Whoa!” I: “Way to go, Favio.” Auto: “What’s the matter, Discord? Chicken?” Ares: “You! Are on _my_ list!” I: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” Porkules: “You know, it’s not too late to go back.” Cath: “Will you-- come with me?” Porkules: “It would be my pleasure to take you home.”]]]]]] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “See, if I could, I-I-- I’d tell you that everthing is gonna be OK-- you know, that your-- family’s not gonna be upset that you ran away, and that-- well, they’re gonna be glad that you came home.” Cath: “That’s all well and good as far as it goes, but there was more to my running away than I told you.” H: “Catherine-- I-- I can still understand you!” Cath: “Well, it’d be sad if you forgot _everything_ you learned as a pig.” H: “Yeah! But you just let me go on and on-- ever since we left my mother’s house, without-- so much as an oink! I mean, why didn’t you tell me we could still talk to each other?!” Cath: “I wasn’t sure-- you’d _want_ to, since you’re human again. Humans are sort of above the rest of us. That’s what most of ‘em seem to believe, anyway-- that, they’re superior.” H: “I’ve been both. I, uh-- I know better.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Discord/Chicken: “Enough! OK?! Fix this! Lean on Artemis! Get her to change me back!” Ares: “Not to hurry, Discord. The possibilities here are-- interesting.” Discord/Chicken: “Not a chance! Pull it on some other pullet. Just give me back my body!” Ares: “All in good time. You were close to greatness. Turning Hercules into a porker, it was what? Genius. But, you blew it. You just had to be the porkee.” Discord/Chicken: “You’ve got a one-track mind. What do you want from me? Beside the obvious. What can a _chicken_ do to Hercules?” Ares: “My mind isn’t on my brother, right now. It’s on that piddling mortal who did this to you-- Iolaus. I’m offended he thought he could get away with it.” Discord/Chicken: “You’re offended. How do you think _I_ feel?! My giblets are in a stew!” Ares: “Your giblets got you into this in the first place. Perhaps it’ll teach you to keep your tail feathers together. What?! Oh-- you are really twisted, you know that? I think I’ll leave you the way you are for now-- give you time to think about how you screwed up the perfect opportunity.” Discor/Chicken: “Don’t push it. Next time-- it won’t be an egg.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “Hah! What kind of gratitude was that?! Let me tell you something. Hermes without his little sandals is a nobody. You think he’d be glad to get ‘em back.” I: “Well-- considering we _stole_ them in the first place, I can _understand_ his attitude.” Auto: “Well, I still think it was a bad idea. You know, eventually, I would’ve gotten the hang of flying those little puppies, and it would’ve been _very_ handy.” I: “Oh, yeah, handy for quick getaways, leaving no trace.” Auto: “No, no-- you misunderstood me. I meant ‘handy’ in-- a good way.” I: “You mean, like you could steal everything, and anything? That’s your idea of a good way.” Auto: “I prefer to think of it as honing my craft.” I: [Chuckling as he speaks] “Oh, please-- ahh!” Ares [appears with lightning and a crash of thunder]: [Laughs] I: “Ares.” Auto: “Oh, I got a bad feeling.” Ares: “Oh, it’s-- gonna be so much more than a bad feeling. Does _this_ look familiar?!” Discord/Chicken: “Let me at ‘em!” Auto: “Ah-- well-- the-- ah, the beak looks-- familiar, but-- you know what? To tell you the truth, all chickens pretty much look the same to me.” [Chuckles] I: “So, what do you think, uh-- original recipe or-- spartacue sauce.” Auto and I: [Laugh] Ares: “Impudent toad! Before this day is out, you’ll be grovelling for mercy. Get ready for the worst day of your miserable lives!” Auto: [Laughs] “Doesn’t he know I’m the king of thieves? I’ll shuck these toys like a bad habit.” Ares: “Those chains were forged by Hephaestus. No lock to pick-- no way to get out. You two are stuck with each other. By the end of the day-- you will despise each other.” I: “That’ll be an improvement.” Ares: “Yep. OK. She doesn’t think the chains are enough, and you know? I think I agree. [Laughs] I’ll be back. Got a big surprise in store-- for you-- Iolaus.” [Laughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT I] Auto: “Oh, I don’t know why Ares included me in his little game. You’re the one that turned Discord into a chicken!” I: “Yeah-- but only so she wouldn’t turn you into a rat-- which, now that I think about it-- you already are! Ahh!” Auto and I: “Oh!” Auto: “Will you watch we’re I’m going!” I: “Oh, look! My arrangement! You’ve rearranged my arrangement!” Auto: “Oh, what if I did? There’s plenty of _small_ leaves around.” I: “We gotta find some clothes.” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha! OK! Say we did? How would we get ‘em on, with these?!” I: “Ow! Uh! Hercules! He’s the one that can break us free! Before Ares comes back with his big surprise! Whatever that is.” Auto: “OK-- and where do you suppose we find Hercules? He could be anywhere!” I: “What is this?! Twenty questions?! Catherine! Hercules has gone to take her home! We’ll go there first!” Auto: “All right, well let’s get going. I’m flapping in the breeze, here!” I: “OK!” Auto: “Yeah!” I: “OK!” Auto: “OK! Hay!” I: “Ahh!” Auto and I: “Ohh!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Cath: “I’ve been thinking about something, Hercules. Would you help me-- become human?” H: “But you don’t like humans. Why would you wanna be one?” Cath: “Some of ‘em are pretty nice. Humans can do as they please. Pigs can’t.” H: “Look, everyone lives with some limitations. But-- you’re smart-- and brave, and generous. I’ve seen that.” Cath: “That’s well and good, as far as it goes, but I’m still a pig.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “The king of thieves in a sack! My image is ruined!” I: “Listen, you! Why don’t you just pick up the pace?! Because the sooner we get there, the sooner Hercules can _free_ us! And the sooner I’ll be rid of you! Ahh!” Auto: “You know, two can play the yank game?” I: “Oh, yeah?” Auto: “Yeah!” I: “Ahh! Do ya like-- hospital food?” Auto: “Ooh! Ah! You wanna wake up with a crowd around ya?” I: “Ahh! You-- and whose army?” Auto: “Oh! You’re lookin’ at him.” I: “Yeah?” Auto: “Yeah.” [Various yelling and screaming as they fall in the mud] Auto: “Get up!” I: “Uh!” Auto: “It just keeps gettin’ better and better.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “Listen! I told you! I’m a hunter! I’ve got an _excellent_ sense of direction, and the village is _this_ way!” Auto: “Yeah? Well, I’m a thief. And I robbed that town. And I’m tellin’ _you_, it’s back that way!” I: “Ah! You couldn’t find your way out of a sock! Hey! Let’s ask the little girl.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ares: [Laughs] “Oh, this is just _too_ good.” Auto’s Voice: “Little girl-- ” Dis: “You said it, Baby.” Ares: “Wait till they try and explain themselves. No one’ll understand a word they’re trying to say.” [Laughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “Hi, Honey. It’s-- ” [Incomprehensible gibberish] Girl: [Screams] I: “What is her _problem_?” Auto: “I don’t know. Kids, these days.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Village Leader: “What is it?! What’s wrong?!” Girl: “It was a monster! It looked like it was coming apart! It tried to get me!” Girl’s Mother: “Come, Dear.” Village Leader: “Let’s get it!” Villagers: [Cheer] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Believe me, you don’t even wanna be-- _half_-human, I mean-- if the Fates had cast your destiny to be a human, you would’ve _born_ that way. But-- you were meant to be a pig. I mean, that’s who you _are_.” Cath: “I know you’re right, but if I have a chance to change that destiny and want to, shouldn’t I take it? And shouldn’t you help me?” H: “Look, Catherine, I wish I-- ” Aphrodite [Aph]: “Hmmm.” H: “Hello, Aphrodite.” Cath: “Who’s that?” Aph: [Chuckles] H: “Uh-- don’t ask.” Aph: “Don’t tell. I’d expect this sort of thing from Ares, but for you, Herc-- it’s a little kinky.” H: “Oh, you wish.” Aph: “I’m here as a favor to Artemis?” H: “Oh-- yeah, right. I figured someone would be along.” Aph: “She’s very grateful to you, Hercola. And she wants if there’s anything she can do in return-- or that I can do for her.” H: “No, just tell her thanks-- uh-- I was glad to help.” Cath: “Hercules-- once the bow is gone, so is my hope. It’s my one wish in life. Please?” Aph: “I’m not up on my Pig Latin, but this sounds serious.” Cath: “It’ll break my heart if I stay a pig.” H: “She wants to be human.” Aph: “Honey-- you can wait until you’re old and _cold_ for a _man_ to get a clue. But, broken hearts are my department.” H: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. A-Aphrodite, wh-- d-don’t-- ” Aph: “Yeah. There you go, Hamlet. If you’re gonna be one, you might as well look your best.” H: “Thanks, Sis.” Aph: “You’re welcome, Bro. Toodles.” Cath/Human: “Yippee! Hee-hee! Yippee!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT II] Cath/Human: “Thank you, Hercules! Thank you! This is the _happiest_ day of my life!” H: “You’re welcome.” Cath/Human: “Oh, but I never thought clothes would be so uncomfortable!” H: “Well, they’re kind of necessary.” Cath/Human: “I don’t see why. Not on a-- beautiful, sunny day like today. Huh! Look at that!” H: “What? Oh, uh-- uh, Catherine, I don’t think-- no-- no-- n-n-it-- ” Cath/Human: “Whee! Ahhhhhhh!” H: “Uh-- uh, Catherine, you really shouldn’t be-- uh-- I-- ” Girl: “Mama! Look at the funny lady!” Cath/Human: “Whee!” H: “Uh-- uh-- Catherine, please-- there’s, there’s-- there’s-- people.” Cath/Human: “Ohhh, boy!” H: “Um-- ” Woman: “Oh!” Man’s Voice: “Oh, yeah-- take it off!” H: “Uh--” Man’s Voice: “Take it all off!” H: “Catherine, really-- this isn’t a-- good idea. This-- there’s people here, and it’s just-- Catherine-- see, humans don’t-- do-- this.” Cath/Human: “Hahhhh!” Girl: “Ah.” Woman: “Come with me.” Cath/Human: “Mmm-hmmmm. Hahhhh! Weee!” H: “She, uh-- says it’s good for her complexion.” Man: “I guess.” Cath/Human: “This is my _favorite_ thing in the world!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “All right, Mr.-- ‘I-know-where-we-are’-- where are we? We’re lost! That’s where we are!” I: “We’re headed north! I _know_ where we are!” Auto: “Yeah-- so do I. We’re in a swamp being eaten by bugs!” I: “Shush! Hah! Look! A crowd of people came through here-- not long ago. See? The guy in the front was shorter than all the others.” Auto: “That’s good, right?” I: “Yeah.” Auto: “Well, then, let’s find them. Surely, they know the way to civilization.” I: “Wait, sh. Listen.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [Villagers approaching Auto and I] Man: “We’re lost again, ain’t we?! Ahh! There’s no monster here!” Village Leader: “Yes, there is! You heard the girl! And this is the place he’ll be!” Auto: “Nothing gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling like a mob of armed villagers.” Man: “Let’s get out of here. Probably no monster, anyway!” I: “Come on!” Auto: “OK-- ahh!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto and I: [Laugh] Auto: “Wow-- are we glad to see you!” Ares: [Laughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “Yeah-- somebody lose a-- cow or-- something?” [Incomprehensible gibberish] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ares: “You idiots! They can’t understand a word you’re saying!” Auto: “I don’t think they can understand a word we’re saying.” Discord/Chicken: “You got it, Mud-boy.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Village Leader: “It’s the monster!” Auto: “Where?” I: “Huh?” Auto and I: “Ah!” Village leader: “Get him!” Villagers: [Cheer] “Don’t let him escape!” “Burn it alive!” “No! Skin it alive!” “Maybe, over there!” “Where’d he go?” “Where’s he go?” “Where?” “Well, he’s over there.” “No.” “No.” “No.” “He went that-- !” “Over there!” “Yeah!” “He went that way!” “He could be anywhere!” “By that bush!” “Where?!” “Over there!” I: “Who are those guys?” Auto: “Beats me. Do I look as bad as you?” I: “Yeah. Whoa.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “You know, the one drawback of life on the run-- is missing regular meals. I am starved!” I: “Wait, don’t eat those!” Auto: “Hmm?” I: “It’s a goosenberry! They’re supposed to be fermented!” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha-ha! A common mistake to the untrained eye. See, this, my friend, is a farkenberry-- it’s a cousin to the goosenberry, but with one important difference. See? Your farken doesn’t put you to sleep like your goosen. If this was a goosenberry-- I’d be sound asleep by now! Hm-hm-hm-hm! Hm-hm-hm! Ha-ha-ha! Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.” I: “Wait a sec-- farkenberries.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “Oh, great! Huh! Oh, boy! I could do with some real boots!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ares: “You want boots? How ‘bout _big_ boots? And the feet to go with ‘em!” [Laughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! What the-- ?! Ahh! Ahh! Ah! Ah! Ah. Ah. Ah! Ares!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ares: [Laughs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “Ah, wha! Whoa! Hey, hey! Don’t do that!” Auto: “Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hey! You got quite a set of wafflestompers there!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ares: “Oh. You like ‘em? Hey-- you got ‘em!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto and I: [Yelling] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Discord/Chicken: “Come on! Zap ‘em again!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I/Monster: “What’s happening?!” Auto/Monster: “What’s happening to us?!” I: “I don’t know!” [Incomprehensible gibberish] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------- Ares: “This is so much fun!” Discord/Chicken: “Is that it? Is that all you’ve got?” Ares: “Oh, no. Not at all.” [Laugh] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto and I: [Scream] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Woman’s Voice: “One glass-- ” [Other background voices as well] Cath/Human: “Huh! This is beautiful! Everyone’s so pretty!” H: “Well-- so are you.” Cath/Human: “Um-- I’ll-- return your shirt as soon as I find a dress I like as much.” H: “Looks-- better on you than it does on me.” Wolfgang: “It’s always an honor to have you here, Hercules. We’ll give you our best table.” H: “Oh-- thank you, Wolfgang. It’s OK. Right there.” Cath/Human and H: [Chuckle] H: “Sit.” Cath/Human: “I’m so hungry, I could eat an entire bucket of slop. What’s this?” Wolfgang: “Huh?” Cath/Human: “What’s this for?” H: “Oh, uh-- that goes-- on your lap-- like this. Yeah.” Waiter: “Here you are.” Cath/Human: “After this, I’d like to take a look around by myself-- feel what it’s like to be one of you.” H: “That’s a good idea. I’ll be around if you need me.” Cath/Human: “This is so exciting!” Woman’s Voice: “Oh!” H: “Catherine?” Cath/Human: “This is delicious. Mmmm!” Woman: “That is disgusting! Eats like an animal! Like a pig!” Wolfgang: “Hercules-- I’m sorry, but, this won’t do!” H: “Oh, um-- of course, it will!” Diners’ Voices: “Oh! “Really!” “-- not to be tolerated!” “-- in this restaurant!” H: “Um, it’s _very_ good soup! It’s a little salty for my taste, but it’s _very_ good.” Cath/Human: “Mmmm.” Wolfgang: “Thank you-- I-I suppose.” Man’s Voice: “I’ve seen enough.” Cath/Human: “Mmm.” H: “Mmm.” Woman: “Oh!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I/Monster: “Oh-- boy. That was close.” Auto/Monster: “Well-- the good news is-- it can’t get any worse.” Village Leader: “Gotcha!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT III] Village Leader: “It’s an abomination! The only good monster is a dead monster!” Auto/Monster: “This is not good. Uh-- fellas? Can we talk?” Village Leader: “Let’s kill it-- before it destroys our minds!” PT Barnabus: “Hold on, here! I-- am PT Barnabus-- founder of the greatest show in Greece. And I can use this freak of nature-- in _my_ circus! Follow me, one and all! A new freak for the new freak show!” Auto/Monster: “Who you callin’ a freak, you geek?!” I/Monster: “Hmm-- actually, I hate to say this, but to him, we’re the geeks.” Village Leader: “Oh, be careful! Not too close! Stories of the big-footed, two-headed forest monster-- has [sic] frightened our children for generations!” Male Voice: “It’s true!” PT Barnabus: “Yes, _that’s_ why it belongs in a freak show! Ha-ha-ha! Hideous! Anybody got a chicken? Let’s see if it bites the head off!” [Everybody laughs] Auto/Monster: “Ooh-- quick! We better act crazy! I’d rather go home with Uncle Carny here, than end up a human pincushion!” I/Monster: “OK.” PT: “Marvelous! Spectacular! I’ll pay top dinar!” I/Monster: “You know? We gotta get out of here!” Auto/Monster: “Well-- what do you suggest?!” I/Monster: “Run!” Village Leader: “Are we talkin’ cash on the barrelhead?” Man’s Voice: “You look good in a cage!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I/Monster: “Oh! They’re gaining!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Man’s Voice: “All right!” Woman’s Voice: “Hello!” I/Monster: “This is another fine mess you got us into!” Ares/Monster: “I’ve got two words for you-- Discord-- Artemis’ bow.” I/Monster: “That’s three words.” Auto/Monster: “Well, whatever. You know? I can pick that puny lock in my sleep, but I actually think we’re safer in here.” I/Monster: “Safe? Underneath these sacks, we’re naked. Where you been hiding the pick?” Auto/Monster: “Don’t ask.” I/Monster: “OK.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto/Monster: “Freaks-- outcasts-- dregs of society.” I/Monster: “Well-- that’s life under the big top.” Auto/Monster: “I was talking about us.” I/Monster: “Don’t antagonize ‘em! For once in your life, keep your trap shut-- if it’s possible.” Auto/Monster: “What? And miss out on all your insults and witty repartee? With pleasure!” I/Monster: “Oh-- go boil your head!” PT Barnabus: “Hey! No sleeping on the job!” I/Monster: “You give me that stick! I’ll ram it down your fat neck!” Auto/Monster: “Yeah! You bloodsucking son of a Xiphopagus!” [Incoherent gibberish] PT Barnabus: “See this ferocious man-eater-- in a fight to the death with Hippochimora-- the muscle-man! Come to the show! Come to the circus!” Auto/Monster: “Come to the circus?! Come over here! And I’ll do a high-wire act on that pasty face of yours!” [Yells] I/Monster: “You call that keeping your cool? Next thing, they’re gonna wanna throw us to the lions!” Auto/Monster: “Ah, stop with this! It’s all your fault! Now, go to your corner, and get out of my hair!” I: “OK, I will!” PT Barnabus: “That’s amazing. It’s mating with itself! ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Cath/Human: “Mmm-- goosenberries.” PT Barnabus: “Come one! Come all! Two nights, only! Come to the circus! Kids get in for a half a dinar!” Cath/Human: “A circus? Sounds like fun!” PT Barnabus: “Aww-- more fun than a human sacrifice-- bloodier, too. Be there.” [Laughs] Cath/Human: “Sadie!” Horse [Sadie]: “Do I know you?” Cath/Human: “It’s me-- Catherine!” Sadie: “Catherine-- I didn’t recognize you.” Cath/Human: “I’m a _woman_, now. I’m my own master.” Sadie: “Good for you. I’m proud of you.” Cath/Human: “You look a little thirsty. Here, let me give ya a hand. I’ve got _two_, now!” Sadie: “Thanks. That hits the spot.” Cath/Human: “You know how you said you used to-- dream about breaking out of these traces, and riding off into the sunset? Well, that’s what I’ve done, and it’s-- wonderful.” Sadie: “I’m so happy for you. Still-- the farm hasn’t been the same without you. You really lit the place up.” Cath/Human: “We did have fun, didn’t we? I just-- felt like it was time to move on-- meet new friends-- and I have. He’s wonderful.” Sadie: “But Catherine, your family-- they miss you terribly. Your parents have been worried sick about you.” Cath/Human: “I’ve been thinking about them, too. I never meant to hurt them.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Stiltwalker: “Hey, Herc!” H: “Hey-- how are you?” Stiltwalker: “How’s the weather down there? See ya.” Man: “OK, ready! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yes!” Girl: “Na-na-na-na-na-na! Na-na-na-na-na-na! Na-na-na! Na-na!” Woman: “Don’t make faces at the monster, Honey. But for the grace of the gods, it could be you in that cage. Now, run along.” Boy: “Ha-ha!” H: “Iolaus? Autolycus?” Auto/Monster and I/Monster: “Oh!” I/Monster: “Boy, am I glad to see you!” H: “I, uh-- wish I could say the same, but you guys are makin’ me kind’a-- queasy. Wha-what are you doing in there?” Auto/Monster: “Six shows a night-- that’s what!” I/Monster: “Yeah.” Auto/Monster: “Hey! Now that the big guy’s here-- this gig is over!” I/Monster: “Yeah, I’m with you, buddy. Come on!” Auto/Monster and/or I/Monster: “Wait! Let’s get outta here! Come on! Come on!” Auto/Monster: “Will you quit pushing me?!” I/Monster: “I’m trying to get down the stairs!” Auto/Monster: “You’re steppin’ on my feet!” I/Monster: “Come on! What’re you doin’!” Auto/Monster: “Oh-oh.” H: “Hey-- those are-- big feet.” Auto/Monster: “Well, you know what they say about big feet, don’t you?” H: “Big boots?” I/Monster: “All right! Would you guys quit it?! Chains of Hephaestus! Ares! Discord!” Auto/Monster: “Chicken!” I/Monster: “Chicken! Yeah-- enough said!” H: “Uh-- yeah, I get the-- picture. Here-- let me help. Hold still. One minute. It’s better over here.” [Laughs] I/Monster: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Very funny! Come on! Get us out of these.” H: “This is-- sorry.” I/Monster: “Come on.” H: “Yeah. Ready?” Auto and I: [Laugh] I: “Thanks, Herc! What’s the matter? You-- lose your shirt?” H: “Oh, uh-- it’s my-- new look. I’ll catch up with you later. I’ve gotta go see a goddess about a-- pig.” Auto: “Well, I wish I could say it’s been fun, but-- it hasn’t.” I: “Yeah.” Auto: “Good riddance.” I: “You say anything about this-- and I’ll deny everything.” Auto: “No problem.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “OK, whoever you are-- you think you can sneak up on the king of thieves-- _you_ have another thing-- sweet mother of Zeus!” [Screams] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT IV] [Background Dialogue] Cath/Human: “Callipus! Callipus! Don’t go! I won’t hurt you! It’s me-- Cahterine.” H: “They don’t know you.” Cath/Human: “We grew up together.” H: “But you’re different, now. It won’t be so easy fitting in. Believe me, I, uh-- I know.” Cath/Human: “I’m not ever gonna fit in this world-- with you, am I? Hercules, will you please take me home-- where I belong?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: [Garbled] “I-it’s a mon! It’s a mon! Mo-mo-mo-- monster! C-c-c-c-c-coming for us!” I: “OK, w-w-wait. You mean? A real monster did this to you? What kind of monster?” Auto: “It’s a-- it’s a big-g-g!” I: “Big-- Ares said there’d be a big surprise waiting for us. OK, come on! Spit it out!” Auto: “OK. Buck! Buck! Buck! Ahhh! Me, me, me! Ahhhhh!” I: “OK-- it’s-it’s big, now, uh, uh-- s-sounds like-- ?” Auto: “Uh-- so-- Ahh! Ahh!” PT Barnabus: [Laughs] I: “Hey! W-w-w-w-w-wait! This is getting us nowhere. OK-- where was this monster?” Auto: “In the-- ” I: “OK, let’s go. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Wrong direction. See, if Ares _is_ behind this-- there’s no escaping it. We might as well suck it up-- and face it! Come on! Come on!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- PT Barnabus: “Whatever it is, it belongs in _my_ circus!” Woman’s Voice: “This is exciting!” Auto: “Ahhhhh!” I: “Look, it’s all right. It’s OK. Calm down. It’s OK.” Male Voice: “And they call _us_ weirdos!” I: “Is this the spot?” Auto: “Ba-ba!” I: “Wait-- what kinda’ monster coulda’ made _these_ tracks? They look kind of familiar.” Auto: “A ch-ch-ch! A ch-ch-ch!” PT Barnabus: “Hey! Act it out again! That’s funny!” I: “It’s real big.” Auto: [Mutters incoherently] PT Barnabus: “Look! It’s the monster!” Auto: “Th-th-th-th-- that’s it!” PT Barnabus: “It’s gigantic!” Auto: “It’s colossal!” I: “It’s a chicken. It’s-- it’s Discord.” PT Barnabus: “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Auto: “To kill us all!” PT Barnabus: “Ahhhh! Run!” Auto: “Oh, where’s Hercules? He’s snoozin’ when he should be bruisin’!” I: “Listen, if Hercules is around, he’ll _be_ here! She’s pretty hard to miss. Meantime-- we’re on our own.” Auto: “Oh, what do you mean, ‘We,’ sidekick?! You’re the one that turned her into a chicken! She’s lookin’ at you like you’re a drumstick!” I: “Ah! Knock it off! I’ll try and distract her! You come up with a plan!” Auto: “Yeah, easy for you!” I: “Yeah. Hey! Hey! Chicken! Come on! Come on! Come on! Waaah!” PT Barnabus: “Come on! Don’t waste time! Get in the tent! Come on! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!” Auto: “Hey, hey, hey, hey! What’re you doing?!” PT Barnabus: “We gotta get everybody in the tent to safety! Come on!” Auto: “What, are you crazy?! This tent won’t stop that bird!” PT Barnabus [Interrupting]: “I gotta get outta here!” Auto: “Well, Iolaus-- I hope you know what you’re doing.” I: [Screams] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “All right, everybody-- listen up. Step away from the sides of the tent. Remain calm. Everything is under control.” I: “Owwww!” Auto: “You?! What happened to our distraction?!” I: [Yells incoherently] Auto: “Yeah, yeah-- I know how you feel! Come on! We gotta get these people out of this tent! All right, everyone-- out you go-- nice and easy-- single file, now-- no pushing! There is no reason to worry!” I: “Ooh! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not-- not the place to be! Go! Uh! There’s a big-- thing! Oh! Gotta go! Safety, safety! Come on! Everybody!” Auto: “Iolaus, let’s get out of here!” I: “OK.” Woman: [Screams] I: “So much for your plan beta!” Auto: “Well, don’t look at me! I’m usually causing trouble!” Auto and I: “Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch! Let’s go! Let’s go!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- I: “Everybody, run! Run! Get out of here! Come on! Run! Time for a new plan!” Auto: “What do you got? I got a good one.” I: “What?” Auto: “Run like Tartarus!” I: “Yeah.” [Godzilla sounds] Woman: “My baby! My baby! There!” Auto: “Uh-- I’ll get the baby. You come up with plan-- gamma. I got you, Buddy. Here’s your baby, Ma’am.” Woman: “Oh-- thank you.” Auto: “Ha-ha. I’ll collect later. Ahh!” I: “Plan gamma-- plan gamma-- plan-- yeah!” Auto: “Come on, let’s go!” I: “No, wait!” Auto: “What are you doing?!” I: “Plan gamma.” Auto: “Goosenberries?” I: “Yeah.” Stiltwalker: [Scream] Auto: “OK, genius-- how do we get her to take her medicine?” I: “I’ll distract her! You do the rest. Hey! You! Ya big chicken! Come on! Come on! Is that all ya got?! Give it to me. Come on! Come on! I can take anything you got to give. What d’ya got to lose?!” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha-ha! For once, you’re thinkin’. OK-- say the word.” I: “Come on! Give me that! Come on! Come on! Now!” Auto: “Yodel-lay-hee-hoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Say good night, Big Bird.” I: “Yeah!” [Laughs] Auto: “Come goosenberries, do your stuff.” Auto and I: [Scream] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Ares: [Laughs] “You know? I haven’t laughed so hard, since the entire Mycenaean army drank rancid water and got the runs. [Laughs] Let’s go, my little chickadee!” Auto: [Chuckles] “Iolaus-- wait till Hercules hears that we took on a monster all by ourselves.” I: “Yeah-- you gonna tell him it was a chicken? That’ll be our secret, huh?” Auto: “You know, Iolaus?” I: “Yeah?” Auto: “You’re not half-bad. If I ever need a partner-- you just might be the lucky one.” I: “Thanks, Autolycus. I-- I appreciate that. But, uh-- I’ve already got a pa-- ” [Falls asleep] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Cath/Human: “I loved being human, Hercules. It’s just not me. I guess you were right, all along.” H: “Now who know who you really are.” Cath/Human: “I also know I’m gonna miss you.” H: “I’ll miss you, too. We’re ready, Aphrodite.” Aph: “I had a feeling this would come in handy-- although why anyone would wanna trade in a beautiful bod like that, is beyond me. I just love the way that works!” Cath/Pig: “They know me now, Hercules. I’m home.” Aph: “One of these days, we’re gonna have a long talk-- and I wanna hear all about it.” H: “Goodbye, Catherine.” Cath/Pig: “It’s so great to see you guys. I missed you so much. You won’t believe what happened to me. I met the greatest human.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------Click here to return to the HTLJ ONE FOWL DAY page.
 |  |