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BE DEVILED



"Be Deviled"  Episode 104/601

[TEASER]

Prisoners' Voices:  "Three days(?)!"  "We're starving!"  "Give me some to eat!"

Jailer:  "Shaddup, ya scum!"

Prisoner's Voice:  "Give me some!  Give me some!"

Black Man:  "I swear it's true.  The sword of Hera's real."

Nose Ring Man:  "Some people are dumb enough to believe anything."

Black Man:  "I sawr [sic] a damn map.  Now, why'd that be if the sword? wasn't real?"

Arseana [Ar]:  "I think I know a way to settle this.  We go after it."

Nose Ring Man:  "No one's talkin' to you, Woman."

Ar:  "Lemme ask ya something.  When you got your nose pierced, did it hurt?"

Nose Ring Man:  "Not after a coupla' mugs of mead."

Ar:  "Yeah-- it's too bad they don't let us drink in here, huh?"

Nose Rings:  "Yeah-- why's that?"  [Yells in pain]

Jailer:  "That's it, Arseana!  You just bought yourself a night in the hole."

[Fight]

A Prisoner:  "Gimme the keys!  Gimme-- !"

Ar:  "I'm going after the sword!  The rest of you can stay in here and rot-- or come with me and li-i-i-i-i-ive!"

[Cheer]

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I:  "That is the _last_ time-- I let you drag me off to see a play."

H:  "When did you become such a Philistine/"

I:  "Look, if you're gonna insult me, at least use words I can understand."

H:  "Maybe you didn't like it because you-- didn't get it."

I:  "What's to get?!  This guy gets some money from some pirates; he goes travelling around the world; and then-- just before he gets to where he's going-- he falls in the sea-- and he's got so much gold in his pockets, he drowns!  Whoo!"

H:  "That's-- just the plot."

I:  "Yeah?"

H [Chuckles]:  "Well, there's the meaning."

I:  "OK-- OK-- enlighten me."

H:  "OK-- never accept gifts-- paid for by other people's suffering."

I:  "What about _my_ suffering?!  Listen-- they could just come out and _say_ it, couldn't they?!"

Jailer:  "Hercules-- there's been a prison break-- inmate by the name of Arseana.  Took off with a posse.  Word is-- they're headin' toward Mycenea.  Sure could use your help."

H:  "You got it.  Well, looks like we're going to Mycenea."

I:  "Hope they haven't got any theater there."

Vendor:  "Uh-- sir-- "

H:  "Did he pay for that?  Uh-- thanks."

Vendor:  "Thank you, sir."

H:  "Keep the change."

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Foundry-Worker Two:  "So, the bartender says to the horse-- `Why-- the long-- face?'  Get it?!"  [Laughs]

Foundry-Worker One:  Don't quit your day job."  [Screams]

Xerxos [Xe]:  "I'm sure you've heard of Hercules.  Yes?  Good-- because I need you to send him a message."

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[ACT I]

I:  "Boy-- I guess they don't make prisons like they used to."

H:  "Hmm-- I wonder what the inmates are looking for in Mycenea."

I:  "Maybe it's a four-star restaurant."

H:  "Or maybe-- they're after the sword of Hera."

I:  "OK-- that's a new one."

H:  "No, not really.  It's been around a long time.  Disciples move it from temple to temple-- to keep it hidden.  Closest one's in-- Mycenea."

I:  "And let me guess-- `he who possesseth the sword-- shall pierce his enemies-- unto the quick, yea-- and smite them-- into the blood-bespattered earth of their forefathers.'"

H:  "And I thought you didn't like theater."

"Serena [Ser]:  "Said the serpent, to the man-- `To know me is to know yourself.'"

[[[[[[Ser's Voice:  "You take my breath away."  H's Voice:  "Nothing can keep me from coming back to you-- nothing."  Ser's Voice:  "My husband-- "  Ser:  "-- was lost at sea two moons ago."  Ser's Voice:  "An oracle-- "  Ser:  "-- told me he's still alive."  Aphrodite [Aph]:  "Why do I feel like I know that girl?"  H:  "In another life-- she was my wife."]]]]]]

H:  "Serena."

"Ser":  "I've missed you, Hercules."

H:  "How's your husband?"

"Ser":  "Well-- he's no Hercules."

H:  "And you're no Serena."

"Ser":  "I'm whoever you want me to be.  I've chosen to appear in this form because-- it's pleasing to you."

H:  "Actually, it's insulting.  Who are you?"

"Ser":  "Why don't you call me-- `Sin?'  We have an old acquaintance in common, you and I.  Does the name Xerxos ring a bell?"

H:  "Xerxos is dead."

"Ser":  "Ooh-- dead to your world-- reborn in mine.  But he's escaped my domain."

I:  "Your-- domain?"

"Ser":  "Mm-hmm-- see?  Tartarus is too good for some people.  When Hades finds a special case, he-- he sends them to me.  I want you to help me bring him back."

H [Sighs]:  "What makes you think I'd help you?"

"Ser":  "Because-- you know Xerxos-- and you know what he's capable of.  I'll admit, Hercules-- there have been times I cursed your name.  You kept so many from entering my domain.  But you see-- we need each other now."

H:  "I doubt it."

"Ser":  "My powers are weak in this realm.  Only our combined strength will bring Xerxos to his knees."

H:  "Thanks, but I already have a partner."

I:  "Yeah-- and we work alone."

"Ser":  "Then as a gesture of good will, let me-- offer you boys a little tip.  Xerxos is headed to Mycena.  We'll meet again."

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I:  "Boy, Mycenea sure is popular today."

H:  "If this guy is really back, we have to stop him before we find Arseana."

I:  "Wh-wha-- who is he?"

H:  "When you were a kid-- did you ever hear stories about the boogeyman?"

I:  "Yeah, but-- everybody did."

H:  "Well, he's real.  His name is Xerxos.

H's Voice:  "His first victims were his own family.  He was caught the next day-- and when the magistrate asked him if he had anything to say for himself-- he said-- "

Young Xe [Y Xe]:  "Yeah-- I enjoyed it."

H's Voice:  "He was the-- first-- juvenile ever sentenced to death."

H:  "But before the execution, he broke out of prison."

H's Voice:  "After that-- Xerxos was blamed-- "

H:  "-- for every murder that ever went unsolved."

I:  "How do you know all this?"

H:  "Because I'm the one who finally caught him-- and brought him back."

I:  "To be executed?"

H:  "Yeah-- "

I:  "Whoa-- then he owes you one."

H:  "I'm sure that's how he sees it."

I:  "Hercules-- I know I don't have to tell you to be careful, but-- be careful.  That Serena look-alike-- it's obvious she wanted more from you than just help."

H:  "I know."

I:  "What's it say?"

H:  "`I enjoyed it.'"

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H's Voice:  "Old habits die hard."

I:  "Yeah-- but it's not the _only_ thing.  Ooh-- this guy's _seriously_ disturbed."

"Ser" [Giggles]:  "Now, _that's_ putting it mildly.  When Xerxos escaped from me, he took the power of my realm _with_ him.  Not even a god can stop him now."

H:  "Maybe I didn't make myself clear.  I'm not interested in your help."

I:  "You're gonna hafta _spell_ it out for her, Hercules."

"Ser"'s Voice:  "You should learn to hold your tongue, Iolaus."

"Ser":  "Maybe I didn't make _myself_ clear.  Without my power, you won't succeed."

H:  "And you're doing this, uh-- out of the goodness of your heart, right?"

"Ser":  "I don't like loose ends.  Xerxos is mine!  I want him back!"

H:  "Isn't that nice, Iolaus?  Come on.  We have graves to dig."

"Ser":  "You know, Hercules, pride has always been _my_ favorite sin.  I just hope yours doesn't cost any more innocent people their lives."

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Men's Voices:  "Where is it?"  "I'll meet you over there."

Jailer:  "Hey!  Not her.  We're looking for a woman.  Her name's Arseana.  She's an escaped convict."

Xe's Voice:  "I've seen her."

Xe:  "She's camped in the forest.  I could take you to her."

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Xe:  "What did this girl do, anyway?"

Jailer:  "She killed one of my men."

Xe:  "Ha-ha!  Only one?"

Jailer:  "What do you mean by that?"

Xe:  "Well, here's a question for you-- what kind of a man decides to make his living as a prison guard?"

Jailer:  "The kind that wants to see people get what they deserve."

Xe:  "Ah-h-h-h-- you like to watch people suffer, do you?  I know the feeling."  [Yells]

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Jailers' Voices [Scream]:  "Ah-h-h-h!  Get outta here!"  "Into the woods!"  "He'll kill us all!"

H:  "Xerxos!"

Xe:  "I see you got my message."

H:  "We'll see how much you enjoy my reply."

[Fight]

Xe [Gasps, then chortles]:  "Ah-h-h-h-- now you're gonna hafta do a _whole_ lot better than that.  [Laughs]  Come on, little man, show me your stuff.  No-- not yet.  I wouldn't wanna deprive myself the pleasure of seeing your face-- twist-- in anger with every new life I take.  Their blood is on _your_ hands.  [Laughs]  Catch me later."

H:  "You all right?"

I:  "Ooh-- never better."

"Ser" [Laughs]:  "He'll kill again, Hercules.  Count on it."

H:  "Aw-w-w-w."

"Ser":  "Let me give you the strength to stop him."

H:  "I can stop him-- without you."

"Ser":  "Probably-- eventually-- but how many people will die in the process?  With my power-- you can do it faster."

I:  "Don't listen to her, Hercules.  Hercules don't-- listen-- "

H:  "She might be right."

I:  "You can't-- "

H:  "This is _only_ the beginning, Iolaus."

I:  "How can you trust her?"

H:  "I don't-- but it doesn't look like I have a choice."

"Ser" [Laughs]:  I knew you'd see it my way."

H:  "What are you doing?"

"Ser":  "Giving you my power-- or would you prefer a lightning bolt?"

H:  "Just get it over with."

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[ACT II]

I:  "Herc-- you all right?"

"Ser":  "He's all right, all right.  He's stronger than ever.  I've given you the power to defeat Xerxos."

H:  "He's after me, Iolaus.  I don't wanna make you a target.  You go after Arseana."

I:  "Wait a second.  I go where _you_ go."

"Ser":  "Oh-- there is something you should know-- n-now that we're all a-- team."

"Ser"'s Voice:  "I don't know if Xerxos was-- just careless the night he set fire to his home, but-- he left someone alive."

[Screams]

H:  "Arseana-- that's his sister."

I:  "If she's as bad as _he_ is-- "

"Ser":  "Oh-- no-- unfortunately, she's not. You see?  She wasn't _born_ a rotten apple-- but her upbringing left something to be desired-- jumping from orphanage to orphanage.  It's _hard_ not to grow up bitter, wouldn't you think?"

H:  "If she gets her hands on that sword, she'll take her bitterness out on the world.  We find Arseana, we find Xerxos."

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Ar:  "Where-- is the sword?"

Disciple:  "It isn't here!  And even if I knew where it was, I wouldn't tell you!"

Ar:  "Oh, so you would _pay_-- for your loyalty to Hera-- with your life."

Disciple:  "All the gods hear our prayers!  We owe them our allegiance!"

Ar:  "The _gods_-- are laughing at us.  You know?  I _prayed_ for their help once-- but my prayers-- they were ignored."

Disciple:  "That was their right."

Ar:  "It was thier mistake.  Burn this place to the ground."

Thug's Voice:  "You heard her.  Let's go."

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Gravedigger:  "They don't get many visitors.  Girl used to come buy and drop off flowers, but-- haven't seen her in a _long_ time."

Xe:  "She tell you her name?"

Gravedigger:  "Oh, it was quite a while ago-- I think she said her name was, um-- Arseana?  Don't hold me to it.  Shame what happened to her folks."

Xe:  "Really?  What happened to them?"

Gravedigger:  "They gave birth-- to a monster."

Xe [Sighs]:  "You tell me something, grave tender-- you think a monster can grow a conscience?"

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I:  "Wonder what Xerxos wants with his sister?"

H:  "Maybe he came back to finish what he started."

I:  "Or, maybe-- he wants to team up with her again."

H:  "It doesn't matter.  Xerxos is going back where he came from, and I'm sending Arseana with him."

I [Laughs]:  "Hercules, I-- I know she's not the world's most model citizen, but-- we don't know if she's as bad as Xerxos."

H:  "They share the same blood.  That's all I need to know."

I:  "Are you OK?"

H:  "Fine."

I:  "You don't sound like your normal self."

H:  "What's that supposed to mean?" 

I:  "It means-- since when is robbery being punishable by death?"

H:  "Aren't you _tired_ of giving people the benefit of the doubt, Iolaus?  Of having them disappoint you over and over again.  They're criminals.  Now, that's reason enough to kill them both."

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Woman's Voice:  "I'll try."

Men's Voices:  "It's cheap.  It's cheap."  "Very nice."

H:  "Excuse me.  Hey!  Thank you.  I'm looking for a woman named Arseana.  Has anyone seen her?"

Gravedigger:  "You're the second guy to ask about her."

H:  "And this guy let you live."

Gravedigger [Chortles]:  "What sort of question is that?"

H:  "Uh-- which way did he go?"

Gravedigger:  "Well, I'm answering so many questions, I should start charging for my time.  What's it worth to you?"

H:  "What's it-- worth to me?"

Gravedigger:  "You heard.  You want answers.  Gonna cost ya."

H:  "Sorry, I, uh-- I'm a little hard of hearing.  You were about to tell me which direction this guy was headed."

I:  "Hercules-- he won't be able to tell you _anything_ if you're choking him.  Hey!"

Gravedigger:  "Road west-- out of town."

H:  "Thank you."

I:  "Hercules-- was that really necessary?"

H:  "We got what we came for."

I:  "Hey, wait a minute.  Hercules!  Stop!"

H:  "What?"

I:  "It's like the play we saw-- you don't accept a gift-- that's been paid for with other people's suffering.  Serena is evil!  And whatever she's done to you-- it's poisoning you."

H:  "I had a feeling this was gonna happen."

I:  "What do you wanna do?"

H:  "Exactly what we came here to do-- find Xerxos and send him back where he came from.  Until then, you're just gonna hafta put up with me."

Xe:  "How much longer do I have to lead him around?"

"Ser":  "Until his hatred consumes him and he takes a life in anger.  So many souls denied to me by one single man.  Today he'll pay for them with his own."

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[ACT III]

Xe:  "I made the mistake of underestimating Hercules once.  I'd advise you not to make the same mistake."

"Ser":  "I'm touched by your concern for my well-being, Xerxos."

Xe:  "Let's just say I wanna make sure you keep your end of the bargain."

"Ser":  "You've given me no reason to violate our agreement.  You'll have time to see Arseana once Hercules is mine.  One thing puzzles me, though.  Why the sudden interest in your sister?"

Xe:  "That's _my_ business."

"Ser":  "Very well-- but make no mistake about it-- your soul-- belongs-- to me."

Xe:  "It's not something I'm likely to forget."

"Ser":  "Don't look so disheartened.  You'll have Hercules to keep you company soon enough."

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Woman:  "Excuse me, Hercules?!  Oh-- m-my daughtuh [sic]-- she's been in bed with a cough for days, now.  It would mean so much to her if you came by to say hello."

H:  "Sure-- no problem.  I'll just-- hold her hand-- and tell her she can look forward to a long life of-- famine-- senseless war, incurable disease, petty gods and hungry Hydras.  On the plus side, if she manages to survive all that-- she'll enjoy the privilege of growing old  and-- dying anyway.  But, hey, don't worry, I mean, if she's been real-- real good, she'll end up in the Elysian fields where she'll spend eternity in a state of perpetual-- boredom-- and ignorance.  So please-- lead the way."

I:  "He's-- practicing for a play."

Woman:  "Forget I said anything!"

H:  "Already did."

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Jailer:  "Just give us an excuse, girlie."

Ar:  "If ya say so."

Jailer:  "Huh?"

[Fight]

"Ser":  "He _definitely_ was a cut above."

Ar:  "Who are you?"

"Ser":  "A fan.  I see great potential in you, Arseana.  I wanna do what I can to nurture your talent."

Ar:  "Well, I'm not real good at paying back favors.  So don't do me any."

"Ser":  "Oh.  But what if I told you where the sword of Hera was?"

Ar:  "I'd say start talking."

"Ser":  "I like you-- really, I do.  The sword is in Hileah, west of here."

Ar:  "Like I said-- don't expect anything in return."

"Ser":  "Just put the sword to good use.  I'll do the rest."  [Laughs]

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Children [Sing]:  "Grace to our father.
Grace to our king.
His is the glory--
Wisdom shall reign.

"We know his truth and his good--ness.
And his mercy-- is the way.
And the Lord of Hosts.

Xe [Claps]:  "Music to my ears.  You really got `em whipped into shape, don't you?"

Headmaster:  "May I help you?"

Xe:  "Oh, that depends.  You remember a-- little girl you took into your orphanage, oh, some-- nineteen winters ago?  Her name was Arseana."

Headmaster:  "Indeed, I remember.  She was trouble.  She ran away."

Xe:  "Ran away.  Hmm-- it wouldn't have anything to do with this-- this strap you keep on your belt, would it?"

Headmaster:  "Sometimes, discipline's the only way to communicate with children."

Xe:  "Really?  And I'm sure you-- get your point across to them, don't you?  Now, I'll make mine.  Get out.  Now, let me show you what it looks like where I come from."

Headmaster:  "Huh?"  [Screams]

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Man:  "Fire!  Fire!  The headmaster's trapped in the orphanage!  Fire!"

I:  "Herc-- someone's _dying_ in there!  Herc?!  Herc?!  Hercules, come on!"

Xe:  [Laughs]

I:  "Come on!"

Xe:  "Woo-hoo-woo-hoo-hoo!"

I:  "Come on!  It's over here!  Hurry!  Bring some water!"

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Headmaster:  "Thank you.  [Coughs]  Thank you, both.  Thank you."

I:  "You're welcome.  Xerxos went west."

H:  "Thanks to you."

I:  "I know you didn't mean that."

H:  "How do you know what I mean?!  Just-- go.  I'll deal with Xerxos myself."

I:  "I can't do that, Hercules."

H:  "Leave me alone!  Please.  Go."

Man's Voice:  "-- help you."

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A Woman:  "Oh!"

"Ser":  "Poor Hercules.  Did I forget to mention that the powers I gave you have certain side effects?"

H:  "I _knew_-- what I was getting into."

"Ser":  "But you thought you'd have more control, didn't you?  Don't fight it.  Lose control.  You'll feel so much better."

H:  "Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Ser":  "Not yet, but I take a while."

H:  "_Why_ are you doing this?"

"Ser":  "Is it so hard to believe that I'd be attracted to you?  Hmm, for a legendary hero, your-- self-esteem is remarkably low, you know."

H:  "You're trying to slow me down."

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I:  "Thanks.  I'll bring him back.  Come on.  Come on, boy.  Come on.  Yah!  Come on!  Yah!  Come on!"

H's Voice:  "Iolaus is going after Xerxos."

I:  "Come on!  Yah!  Come on!  Come on!  Come on!"

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"Ser":  "Oh-- perhaps you shouldn't have been so quick to split up.  But, then again-- what choice did you have?"

H:  "Damn you!"

"Ser":  "It's a little late for that."

H:  "Gr-r-r-r!"

"Ser":  "I don't know what you think you're doing-- you're as much a threat to him as Xerxos is."

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Ar:  "Where-- is-- the sword?  Hmm?!  I know-- it's here."

Disciple:  "If you know where it is-- you don't need us."

Ar:  "Hm-m-m-m-m-- how right you are.  Time to do some real damage."

I:  "You might wanna think twice-- before you do."

Ar:  "Hmm-- my first victim."

I:  "Look-- I don't have time to explain.  Believe me when I tell you someone is after you."

Ar:  "I think I can handle a few prison guards.  But gee, thanks for your concern."

I:  "I'm talking about someone a lot more dangerous."

Ar:  "Oh-- you must be talking about me.  Thanks for caring.  OK-- I'm giving you to the count of three to let go!"

Xe:  "Hmm-- now here's an interesting turn of events.  Big brother leaves little sister to die.  Little sister grows up hating him for it.  But then, with each passing day, she becomes more and more like him."

Ar:  "No.  But-- you're dead."

Xe:  "I'm beyond dead."

H:  "Xerxos!"

I:  "Herc!  Hercules, no!"

H:  "Get _out_-- of my way!"

I:  "No!  This is exactly what Serena wants.  If you give into your hatred-- you're gonna lose whatever is left of you!" 

H:  "Iolaus-- if you don't move, I-- will kill you."

I:  "And I will kill you-- before I see you damn your soul."

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[ACT IV]

I:  "Hercules-- I know you're in there."

Ar:  "Don't-- you-- touch me!"

Xe:  "Just like old times, huh?"

Ar:  "Let go of me!"

Xe:  "You don't have to like me.  You just have to listen."

Ar:  "What are you?"

Xe:  "Something you don't have to become.  You still have a choice."

Ar:  "Don't-- you talk to me about choice!  You bastard!  You took mine away a long time ago!  I wish I'd died that day."

Xe:  "But you didn't.  _I_ died.  It's not _in_ you, Arseana.  Your heart is not black.  It's just broken.  That's _my_ burden to carry, not yours."

Ar [Snickers]:  "You're not actually asking me for sympathy?"

Xe:  "I'm telling you-- you're looking evil in the eye.  The only difference between us is-- you can turn back."

Ar:  "I don't know if you came here out of guilt or just plain stupidity-- but it's just a little too late to start offering up some brotherly advice!"

Xe:  "Since my words don't seem to be making an impression on you-- let me show you something that will."

Ar:  [Screams]

Xe:  "Don't go down the same road I did.  You won't like where it leads you."

H:  "Oh!  I am _so_ sorry to break up the family reunion, Xerxos-- but it's time for you to go back home!"

Xe:  "I've got news for you.  I'm taking you with me."

[Fight]

I:  "Come on!  Come on!"

Xe:  "Going down!"

I:  "Wait."

Xe:  "Whoa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!"

H:  "Come here!"  [Laughs]

Xe:  [Laughs]

I:  "Come on!"

H:  "Why don't you fight me?!  Had enough?!  Apparently not.  Friend of yours?  Well, let's go say hello."  [Chuckles]

I:  "Hercules-- no."

"Ser":  "Kill him!  Kill them all!  Kill them all!  Kill them all!"

H:  "You'd like that, wouldn't you?  This is a trap.  Xerxos didn't escape.  You let him out.  I'm not killing anyone."

"Ser":  "But you want to-- don't  you?  There's anger in your heart, Hercules.  One day-- it'll win."

H:  "I don't think so."

"Ser" [Laughs]:  "We'll meet again, you and I."

Ar:  "No, we won't."

"Ser":  "Well-- at least I still have you."

Xe:  [Screams]

"Ser":  "I'll be watching you, Hercules."  [Laughs]

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Ar:  "Sometimes, people can surprise you."

H:  "Sometimes, we can surprise ourselves.  You sure you gonna be all right."

Ar:  "You're not taking me back to prison."

H:  "I think you've been punished enough."

Ar:  "Thank you.  Thank you both."

H:  "Take care.  [Sighs]  Iolaus, I don't [Sighs]-- know what to say other than I'm-- sorry I threatened to kill you."

I:  "Oh, that's OK.  I actually _tried_ to kill you.  Hmm."

H:  "That's right.  You did."

I:  "Yeah."

H:  "Huh."

I:  "Man, you were _so_ ugly when you were possessed."

H:  "I was?"

I:  "Oh, yeah-- horns and all those things in your face.  I mean-- uh-- you don't do possession very well."

H:  "Hey-- you didn't look too hot when you were possessed, either."

I:  "Yeah, but I was dead."

H:  "Oh, yeah."

I:  "That was a while."

H:  "Yeah."

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