TRANSCRIPTION OF HTLJ
A WICKED GOOD TIME

"A Wicked Good Time"  Episode 110/607

[TEASER]

Thug:  "Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

I:  "Great!  Now we're gonna be late!  We should have planned for
this!"

H:  "You can't-- plan for this!  That's why they call it an
ambush!"

I:  "I just don't like keeping Lilith waiting!  That's all!
Whoa!"

H:  "No!  You just don't like to keep your _stomach_ waiting!
I'm fluent in Iolaus, remember?"

I:  "Oh, yeah?  Well, I'm-- fluent-- in Hercules!  You see?  I
know that we're not _really_ going to Lilith's-- to help her with
the harvest!  Huh?  So, come on!  Let's have it!"

H:  "Have-- what?!"

I:  "The real reason-- why we're going to Lilith's!"

H:  "All right!  In the letter, she said she was having trouble
with Cesca!"

I:  "Oh, yeah?!  I thought Cesca was-- at the academy!"

H:  "No-- she graduated last-- spring!"

I:  "Oh!"

H:  "So, apparently-- ever since she's been back-- she's been
getting-- into-- fights!"

I [Yells]:  "Yeah, well [Screams]-- fighting-- never-- solves--
anything!  Ah!  Whoo-hoo-hoo!  Whoo!  Whoo!  So-- what's the
plan?"

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I:  "So, we bale some hay and give Cesca a good talking to."

H:  "Don't tell me you forgot what it was like to be a teenager."

I:  "Yeah, well, Herc, it's been a long time.  I can't-- "

H:  "Well, you know-- you tell them to go right and they go
left."

I:  "Right, then you tell them to go left and they go right."

H:  "No, they-- still go left because they-- know that you've
been trying to get them to go right all along."

I:  "Right.  No, wait a second.  I'm confused.  I-I don't know
_which_ way to go with it."

H:  "Look-- we can't just walk in there like we have all the
answers.  We've gotta-- find out what Cesca's problems are and
try to help her steer her way through them."

I:  "Since when have you been an expert on raising teenagers?"

H:  "Well, I raised _you_, didn't I?"

I:  "Yeah, I guess-- wait a minute."

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Magnus [Magnus]:  "Hey, Cesca-- we're having a party, tonight.
You wanna come?"

Cesca [Ces]:  "Sure."

Mag:  "Great.  We need somebody to serve the drinks.  [Laughs]
Or, you can be the maid and clean up.

Thug's Voice:  "Yeah, we make a real mess!"

Hayla [Hay]:  "Are you sure she's our third?"

Sariah [Sar]:  "Yeah, 'cause she looks pretty lame."

Discord [Dis]:  "Of course, I'm sure.  Do you know how much
unexpressed rage she's feeling right now?  Rage-- you're gonna
help her channel."

Hay:  "If you say so."

2nd:  "Ooh-hoo-- watch out, Magnus.  She went to the academy.
She will kick your ass."

Mag:  "Oo-o-o-o-o-o-oh!"

Ces:  "His ass isn't worth kicking."

Mag:  "Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."

[Fight]

Magistrate:  "What's going on here, Son?"

Mag:  "Nothing.  Ah!  D-Da-a-a-ad!"

Magistrate:  "You wouldn't happen to be picking another fight,
now, would you, Cesca?"

Ces:  "I don't pick fights.  They pick me."

Magistrate:  "I warn you, young lady-- if I catch you brawling in
public again, you will spend the summer under house arrest.  Do--
you-- understand?"

Mag:  "This isn't over.  Come on, guys."

Ces:  [Sighs]

Dis:  "Off you go."

Hay:  "Hey, nice kick."

Ces:  "Oh-- get lost."

Hay:  "You know what I like _most_ about Magnus?"

Ces:  "What?"

Hay:  "Nothing.  I'm Hayla-- and that's Sariah.  You can think of
us as your friendly neighborhood pest control.  So-- how'd you
like to get rid of that roach once and for all?"

Ces:  "You heard the magistrate.  I can't get in any more
fights."

Hay:  "Yeah, well-- exactly.  There are-- other ways of taking
revenge."

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Ces:  "The power of what?"

Hay:  "Not what-- who.  Nebros-- the first warlock.  He
discovered that the gods weren't the _only_ source of power in
the world.  These are his teachings-- and now we follow them."

Ces:  "OK?"

Hay:  "Only a triad of witches can unleash the power of the
book."

Sar:  "Just read along.  You'll see."

Hay:  "`Great spirits of the beyond-- we beseech you-- hear our
prayer.  Give us a sign, so that we may serve you.  Time-- past--
present-- future.'"

Sar:  "`Course-- beginning-- middle-- end.'"

Ces:  "`Creation-- Heaven-- Earth-- water.'"

All:  "`Give us the power; show us the way.  Give us the power;
show us the way.  Give us the power; show us the way.'"

Hay:  "Give me your hand, Cesca."

Ces:  "Dah-h-h!  What are you doing?  I think I'm gonna like
this."

Dis:  "I doubt Hercules will."

Sar:  "Welcome to our club."  [Laughter]

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[ACT I]

Isosceles [Iso]:  "Ooh.  Ooh.  Excuse me.  I hope I didn't hurt
you-- although-- given the imbalance in our body-mass ratios--
that would be virtually impossible."

Mag:  "There's the wimp!  Who's this?  Your bodyguard?"

H:  "OK.  OK.  I'll admit it!  But I hope, someday, I'll stop
needing his protection."

I:  "It's like I keep telling him-- `You have got to stop running
to-- to-- '"

Iso:  "Isosceles."

I:  "`-- Isosceles every time you have a problem!'"

H's Voice:  "You know, Iolaus you're-- you're right.  And it's
time I returned the favor--"

H:  "-- so-- starting today-- anyone who wants to mess with
Isosceles has to-- go through me."

Iso:  "Thanks."

H:  "Yeah.  Why were they after you?"

Iso:  "Magnus is the magistrate's son.  He decides who's part of
the `In' crowd and who isn't.  Guess I didn't make the cut.
Thanks again."

I:  "Now, I remember why I hated being a teenager."

Lilith:  "Oh, come on.  You guys have nothing to complain about.
After all, you were friends with the most popular girl in
school."

H:  "Oh, yeah.  What was her name again?"

I:  "Um-- Sondra?  Jennifer?  Trisha?"

Lil [Chuckles]:  "Lilith?"

I:  "Nah."

H:  "No, that's not it."  [Laughter]

Lil [Sighs]:  "Thanks for coming, guys."

H:  "It sounds like Cesca's having a rough go of it."

I:  "Yeah.  You can see why."

Lil:  "It's not just Magnus.  Ever since she got back from the
academy, it's-- it's like she's-- lost."

H:  "I remember feeling the same way when I graduated.  It's a
tough age.  You're not a kid anymore, but-- you're not an adult,
either."

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Ces:  "Hercules!"

H:  "Hey, Cesca!"

Ces:  "Wh-what are you doing here?"

H:  "Uh-- Iolaus and I were in the neighborhood, and we thought
we'd-- you know-- help your mother out with the harvest."

Ces:  "Ha-ha-ha.  You really are a bad liar."

H:  "Yeah.  Yeah, I am, aren't I?  [Sighs]  Your mom's worried
about you."

Ces:  "Well-- since we're being so honest, I should really tell
you-- how she's been suffocating me with her worrying.  Well,
nothing personal, Hercules, but I kind of resent that she asked
you to come here."

H:  "I didn't come to tell you what to do.  I came here as a
friend."

Ces:  "Well, I can tell you, from one friend to another-- don't
worry about me."

I:  "Cesca!  H-hey, that's lunch!"

Ces:  "Iolaus."

I:  "Ye-ah."

Ces:  "Huh."

I:  "Uh, it's really good to see you!"

H:  "Lunch, huh?"

I:  "Yeah."

H:  "Thanks for helping me out here."

I:  "Hey!  I was helping in the kitchen!"

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H:  "Now, you have to remember that this is the homecoming game.
The score's tied.  It's the final play.  And your-- mother,
here-- well, sh-- "

Lil:  "If you-- ever wanna eat here again-- you'll stop the story
right there."

H:  "OK."

Lil [Mouths]:  "Good."

H:  "Take it, buddy."

I:  "OK-- well, you see your mother-- decided that she had to
distract the enemy."

Lil [Interrupts]:  "Don't Iolaus.  Don't you dare."

I:  "Well-- the only thing she could think of-- was to flash at
them!  Needless to say-- it was a titillating performance."

Lil and I:  [Laugh]

H:  [Sighs]

Ces:  "You were a wild one, Mom.  Can I be excused?"

Lil:  "Well, we haven't had dessert."

Ces:  "I'm meeting some friends."

Lil:  "Well, that's great!  Who are they?"

Hay's Voice:  "They's us."

Hay:  "I'm Hayla, and this is Sariah."

Ces:  "Uh-- my mom, Iolaus, and-- Hercules.  Ready to go?"

Lil:  "Well, Ces, you didn't tell me you made a couple of
friends."

Ces:  "I didn't think it was newsworthy."

Lil:  "Well-- maybe they'd like to join us."

Ces:  "They didn't come here for a picnic."

Lil:  "Well, at least stay for dessert."

Ces:  "Mom-- we're not toddlers, OK?  Quit it.  I'll be back when
I'm back."

Hay:  "Tell me, Hercules-- I've always wondered.  Are you
superior to mortal men in-- every-- way?"

H:  "Do you know the difference between being-- witty and being
rude?"

Hay:  "No-- what?"

H:  "That's what I thought.  What?"

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Sar:  "Hey, your babysitter's cute."

Ces:  "Old friend of my mom's."

Hay:  "Let me introduce you to someone who can help-- get him off
your back."

Dis:  "Thanks-- but I need no introduction."

Ces:  "Who are you?"

Sar:  "Looks like you _do_ need an introduction after all-- or
not."

Dis:  "Let's just say-- every club needs a sponsor-- and I'm
yours.  Did you get it?"

Hay:  "A lock of Magnus' hair.  I got it last night while he was
sleeping.  He snores like a rhino."

Ces:  "What's this for?"

Dis:  "You.  You want Hercules off your back, and you wanna get
back at Magnus, right?"

Ces:  "I-- guess so."

Dis:  "Then, Sister, have I got a deal for you.  But you-- have
to act now."

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H:  "Hayla-- have you seen Cesca?"

Hay:  "Yeah, I think she went to town."

H:  "Thank you."

Hay:  "You know?  Cesca may not want you as a babysitter, but--
she doesn't speak for me."

H:  "Look, I'm-- sure you've had it-- rough-- but that doesn't
give you an excuse to talk to me like that."

Hay:  "You don't know anything about me."

H:  "I know people don't grow a thick skin for no reason--
especially at your age.  You wanna tell me about it?"

Hay [Sighs]:  "My parents died when I was little-- and-- now, I
live with my uncle who-- well, he drinks too much, and-- resents
having to take care of me.  [Sighs]  Hercules--
boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.  Don't patronize me, Hercules.  You know,
the worst thing anyone _your_ age can do is pretend they can
remember what it's like to be young."

H:  "And the worst thing _you_ can do is pretend that your pain
doesn't bother you."

Hay:  "Oh-- you really _are_ special, Hercules-- in an--
after-school kind of way."

H:  "You don't have to like me, Hayla.  But I wanna make you
clear on something.  Cesca's a friend of mine.  And anyone who
hurts my friends-- hurts me."

Hay:  "Ah-- maybe _you_ should grow a thicker skin."

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Woman's Voice:  "-- and he actually said to me-- "

H:  "Hey-- Cesca!  Cesca, wait.  Come on."

Ces:  "For what?  For you to lecture me on how I should treat my
mother?"

H:  "Well, I know you think she embarrassed you, but she was just
trying to be included in your life."

Ces:  "Yeah?  Well, maybe I wanna spend time with my new
friends-- OK?"

H:  "Oh, so _that's_ who you call those two."

Woman's Voice:  [Screams]

Mag [Morphed]:  [Yells]

H:  "Friend of yours?"

Mag [Morphed]:  "Help me.  Help me!"

Mag:  "Help-- me."

Hay:  "He turned Magnus into a monster!  Put me down!  He's a
warlock!  Hercules is a warlock!  Put me down!  Please, somebody!
Help me get down from here!  It's him!  It is Hercules!"

Magistrate:  "Arrest that man!"

H:  "Wow, I couldn't see _that_ one coming."

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[ACT II]

Hay:  "Put me down!  Please, put me down!  Somebody, help me!"

Magistrate:  "Put her down."

H:  "I didn't-- "

Man's Voice:  "It's true!  It _was_ Hercules!  I could have
sworn-- !"

I:  "Herc-- what did you do?"

H:  "They think I'm a-- warlock."

Mag:  [Moans]

Magistrate:  "The penalty for practicing witchcraft is death."

H:  "Well then, lucky for me I had nothing to do with this."

Magistrate:  "You transformed my son into a beast and back again
with merely a touch.  And that poor girl-- whose life you
threatened with the power of levitation-- do you deny what we
just saw with our own eyes?"

H:  "Looks can be-- deceiving.  I don't practice witchcraft."

Magistrate:  "A trial will decide that.  And if you truly believe
in your innocence, you will obey our laws and come quietly."

H:  "I wouldn't do it-- any other way."

Guard:  "Come on, warlock!"

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I:  "Boy, some people have short memories.  I mean, didn't you
save this town like, ten times last winter?"

H:  "Yeah, but-- what have I done for them lately?"

I:  "Yeah, really.  So-- what's the idea, here-- `And the truth
will set them free.'?"

H:  "Unfortunately-- this time I can't tell the truth."

I:  "Aw, great.  Hercules, you're innocent.  Come on.  These
girls set you up."

H:  "Mm-hmm.  And if I prove they're practicing witchcraft
instead of _me_-- the town will burn _them_ for it.  I don't
wanna live with _that_ on my conscience."

I:  "I don't get it.  What do they got against you?"

H:  "Something tells me-- they're not in this alone."

I:  "Meaning?"

H:  "Witches aren't _born_ knowing spells.  They have to learn
them, word for word."

I:  "So, who taught them?"

H:  "Someone with access to the book of witchcraft.  And the lost
I heard, it was lost at the bottom of the Dead Sea."

I:  "How do you get something from the bottom of the ocean?
You'd have to be-- "

H:  "-- a god.  And I think I know which one."

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Dis:  "Competence is so rare these days.  Bravo, ladies.  Bravo."

Ces:  "I didn't realize we were gonna _frame_ Hercules.  I
thought we were gonna have a little fun."

Hay:  "But we _are_ having fun."

Sar:  "Ow!"

Ces:  "They are going to burn him at the stake."

Dis:  "Tell you what-- if the trial doesn't go his way-- we'll
free him.  All right?"

Ces:  "OK."

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Magistrate:  "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury-- we all know what
we saw-- but the accused denies our interpretation of the events.
Now, given his reputation-- it is just that his denial give us
pause.  But I ask you this-- what if his reputation is not all
that it seems to be?  The prosecution calls Hercules!  State your
name for the record."

H:  "You know who I am."

Magistrate:  "Do we?  You say you're the son of Zeus."

H:  "I _am_ the son of Zeus."

Magistrate:  "Then produce him.  Surely, a good father would come
to help his son in a time of need."

H:  "You're assuming he's a good father-- which he isn't.  We
don't have a close relationship."

Magistrate:  "Then how do we know the source of your power is
divine?"

I:  "Come on!  He's the son of Zeus!  I've seen them together!"

Magistrate:  "Strike that man's remarks from the record!  He is
the defendant's best friend, and undoubtedly a biased source!"

I:  "Why would he lie about that?!"

Magistrate:  "Remove that man from the courtroom!"

I:  "Look-- Hercules has never used his power except for good--
and to help people!"

Magistrate:  "Is that so, Hercules?  Tell me.  You don't carry
any money, do you?"

H:  "No."

Magistrate:  "You survive off the good will of others-- payment
for favors you provide for the community.  Am I correct?"

H [Sighs]:  "Sometimes-- out of gratitude, someone will give me--
a meal-- a bed for the night."

Magistrate:  "I submit that you use witchcraft to create
emergencies that you conveniently resolve for your unwiting
marks.  You then take advantage of their hospitality and good
will.  In fact-- your livelihood depends on it!  Is _that_ not
the case?!"

H [Sarcastically]:  "Well, Counselor, you have-- a point.  I can
really feel all the good will I've conned out of this town."

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I:  "Gotta do something!"

Lil:  "This is all my fault.  I should never have called you
here."

I:  "There's something you should know-- Cesca and her friends
are responsible for all this.  They've been practicing
witchcraft.  Uh, don't worry, though.  Hercules wants to protect
Cesca as much as you do, so that's why he's-- standing trial for
her.  But, uh-- we've got to figure out a way-- to help him."

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Man's Voice:  "-- betray us like that?"

Lil:  "But how?"

I:  "We just-- have to put our heads together."

Lil:  "But what can we do?"

Hay:  "Nobody minds their own business anymore."

Sar:  "We have to keep them occupied."

Ces:  "No-- no more spells, OK?  We have done _enough_ damage."

Hay:  "Well-- who's talking about damage?  There are other ways
of distracting them that are lots more fun.  And besides-- with a
man around the house-- maybe your mother will finally get off
your back."

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Sar:  "Wait a minute.  Don't we need something of his, like a--
like a toenail-- or something?"

Hay:  "Maybe an amateur witch would-- but I've been reading
ahead.  So-- listen-- and learn.  We call upon you-- Nebros--
master of witchcraft-- to affix with affection-- the man in this
reflection."

I:  [Sighs]

Sar and Ces:  "Whoa."

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Magistrate:  "How long have you known the defendant."

Lil:  "Since we were children."

Magistrate:  "And is this court to believe-- that for all that
time, you had no idea Hercules was practicing witchcraft?!"

Lil:  "Look, I've known Hercules a lot longer than you, and
believe me-- he's not a warlock."

Magistrate:  "Then, how do you account for what we all saw him
do?"

Lil:  "I can't."

Magistrate:  "You mean, you _won't_.  You've known the truth all
along, haven't you?!"

Lil:  "I've told you-- !"

Magistrate:  "And now, you're lying, because you know that
harboring a warlock is a crime punishable by death!  I am giving
you one-- last chance, Lilith-- tell the truth, and save yourself
from burning at the stake!"

H:  "Enough!  I confess!  I'm a warlock!"

Lil:  "No!  Herc!  Don't!"

H:  "I hid the truth from Lilith.  She had no idea."

Magistrate:  "The defendant has admitted his guilt-- and
according to the law, he will be executed at dawn."

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Hay:  "Did somebody say-- `Jailbait'?"

H:  "Isn't it past your bedtime?"

Hay:  "I need somebody to tuck me in."

H:  "I'm dreaming."

Hay:  "About little old me?  I'm flattered."

H:  "You put yourself here."

Hay:  "And I'll leave if you like.  But first-- you have to kiss
me."

H:  "Now _you're_ the one who's dreaming.  I wouldn't touch you--
with a-- ten foot pole."

Hay:  "I'm gonna hold you to that."

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H:  "Funny-- I don't remember planning a field trip."

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Magistrate:  "The door's still locked.  The bars aren't bent."

I:  "What happened?"

Magistrate:  "Still think your friend is innocent?"

I:  "I don't _think_ it.  I _know_ it."

Magistrate:  "Assemble a posse.  Hunt him down."

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Men's Voices:  "Anything over there?!"  "Nothing at all!"

I:  "Herc?"

Man's Voice:  "He can't have gotten too far!"

I:  "Her-- Oh.  Ah.  Herc-- what happened?"

H:  "Hayla put me here, somehow.  She got to me in my dream."

I:  "A posse's after you."

H:  "Well, I figured that."

I:  "So, what are you gonna do?"

H:  "Good-- question."

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[ACT III]

Men:  "There he is!"  "Get him!"

H:  "I thought you were my friend!"

I:  "Ow!  Oh!"

Men's Voices:  "He's getting away!"  "Catch him!"

I:  "I'm sure there's-- an explanation for this.  Oh."

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I [Groans]:  "Ah-h-h-h!"

H:  "Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh."

I:  "Yeah, sh."

H:  Sorry, Iolaus-- I just didn't want them to think you were a
part of this."

I:  "Yeah, well-- thanks for thinkin' of me, buddy.  So, how'd ya
lose 'em?"

H:  "Oh, the old `Walk backwards in your own footprints' trick."

I:  "Ha-ha.  Works every time."

H:  "Yeah."

I:  "What now?"

H:  "Well-- since I'm out and about, I might as well make the
most of it.  If I can get my hands on that book-- you know, maybe
I can take away Hayla's power."

I:  "Right."

H:  "Why don't you check on Lilith?  Make sure she's doing all
right.  I don't want her to blame herself for this."

I:  "Yeah.  OK.  You got it-- Lilith.  [Sighs]  Sweet-- Lilith."
[Sighs]

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H:  "If you're looking for a snake-- you can always find one
hiding under a rock."

Hay:  "Make yourself comfortable.  I was just-- brushing up on my
spelling."

H:  "Hmm-- give me the book."

Hay:  "Come and get it?"

H:  "Just give me the book."

Hay:  "You said you wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole,
remember?  You should watch what you say, Hercules-- especially
in your dreams.  Someone might just-- use your words against
you."

H:  "You don't play a game you can't win, Hayla."

Hay:  "Oh, I _am_ winning-- and tonight-- I'm gonna score the
final points.  Gotta fly."

H:  "She really needs to be grounded."

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Ces [Startles]:  "Let me go, or I'll scream!"

H:  "Go ahead and scream.  They will come running, but are you
ready to live with yourself when they burn me for your mistakes--
huh?"

Ces:  "I never meant for any of this to happen.  I-- I'm so
sorry.  Can you ever forgive me?"

H:  "I'll think about it."

Ces:  "You were right.  Hayla's just using me to gain more power.
And now she's totally out of control."

H:  "It's only gonna get worse."

Ces:  "I know."

H:  "Unless you help me.  Can you get your hands on that book?"

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Hay:  "How'd you get the book?"

Sar:  "She asked to borrow it."

Hay:  "I thought I told you not to give it to anybody."

Sar:  "Well, I didn't think you meant her.  She's one of us."

Hay:  "Where have you been?"

Ces:  "Nowhere.  Relax.  Nice to see I have such trusting
friends."

Hay:  "What's gotten into you?"

Ces:  "You lied to me.  Discord said, if the trial didn't go
well, she'd free Hercules."

Hay:  "She said, if the trial didn't go his way-- _we'd_ free
him, and I did."

Ces:  "This isn't exactly what I had in mind."

Hay:  "Careful-- Cesca.  I brought you into the coven, but it's
_not_ a lifetime membership."

Ces:  "I'm sorry.  I'm just a little on edge right now."

Hay:  "Well-- loosen up, little sister-- 'cause tonight, we're
gonna have some real fun."

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I [Sighs]:  "Lilith."

Lil:  "Iolaus."  [Chuckles]

I:  "Um-- Hercules sent me along-- to see if you're OK.  So--
well, I'm here-- to see if you're OK.  A-are you-- OK?"

Lil [Chuckles]:  "Um-- are _you_ OK?"

I:  "Why?  Don't I look OK?  It's not a booger, is it?  [Whisper]
Don't tell me it's a booger.  Oh."

Lil:  "What's the matter with you?"

I:  "Ah, Lilith.  I long for you-- and every moment, it gets
longer."

Lil [Chuckles]:  "Iolaus-- "

I:  "Oh, yeah.  I know!  I know!  It's a bit of a shock.  But--
you know?  We don't have to hurry.  We can take our time.  We
could live together first.  And then if things work out-- we
could get married in the morning."

Lil:  "I don't know what's going on with you, but, um-- you're
not yourself."

I:  "You're right.  This is not working out as I'd planned.  So
let me read to you-- from this book-- of love stories.  Ah!
Here's a good one.  It's called-- `Spank you, your Highness.
[Clears throat]  Spank you, your Highness,' said the jester to
the queen-- `as the crack of dawn approached.  There were-- '" 

I's Voice:  "Lilith?"

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Dis:  "Now, now.  It isn't polite for the guest of honor to be
late to his own barbecue."

H:  "Surprise, surprise.  I was just on my way to see you."

Dis:  "Oh, really?"

H:  "Hmm."

Dis:  "And to what do I owe such a dubious honor?"

H:  "I just wanted to congratulate you on the wonderful job you
did with Hayla.  You've certainly molded her into quite a
psychotic young lady."

Dis:  "I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I?"

H:  "You sure do.  Well-- I'll  be seeing ya.  Hmm.  Oh-- by the
way-- have, uh-- fun tonight."

Dis:  "What's tonight?"

H:  "I don't know.  _I_ wasn't invited, but I-- thought for sure
_you_ would have been."

Dis:  "You're bluffing."

H:  "Well, let's-- think about that.  Hayla's got a spellbook--
which-- you gave her.  And she knows as-- long as you're around,
you'll never let her become more powerful than _you_.  Huh-- what
is the worst thing she could do with that book?"

Dis:  "Summon Nebros from the beyond."

H:  "Ah-- that's it.  Nah-- but she'd never do that-- well,
unless of course, you've-- underestimated how far she's willing
to go for power.  Hmm."

Dis:  "Excuse me."

H:  "Certainly.  Putty in-- my hands.  Hmm."

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I [Sings]:  "Full of joy--
Is the wedding chorus.
With timbrel music and dancing.
[Speaks]:  Lilith?!  Are you listening to me?"

Lil:  "Yeah-- now you're scaring me."

I [Laughs]:  "Very funny!  Now, come on.  Open the door.  Please.
We got so much planning to do!"

Lil:  "Go away, Iolaus."

I:  "Oh please, Lilith.  Open the door.  Come on.  I'm serious.
Lilith-- Lilith, I'm serious.  Please, open the door."

I's Voice:  "Open the door!  Wait a minute.  There's someone
else-- isn't there?  That's why you won't marry me."

Lil:  "I don't know what you're talking about."

I:  "No, it's too late!  You've broken my heart.  [Cries]"

Lil:  "Iolaus?  Oh!"

I:  "If I can't have you-- nobody can!"

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[ACT IV]

Lil:  "Iolaus, wait!  What are you doing?"

I:  "Till death us do part!  Oh!"

H:  "What's goin' on, buddy?"

I:  "Ah.  Ah.  Herc-- great.  You're back.  Break the door down,
will ya?  I gotta kill Lilith.  She's cheating on me."

H:  "Uh-- what makes you think that?"

I:  "Well-- she won't open the door.  I mean-- it's obvious she's
got someone else in there with her."

H:  "No, she doesn't."

I:  "She doesn't?"

H:  "No, no.  She didn't wanna-- let ya in because she-- didn't
wanna spoil your surprise party."

I:  "My what?"

H:  "Your surprise party.  Right, Lilith?"

Lil:  "Right.  To, um-- celebrate our engagement."

H:  "Yeah, you see, the thing is-- I forgot to-- bring-- the
ice-- you know, for the drinks."

I:  "Yeah."

H:  "You think you could-- get some before the guests arrive?"

I:  "Sure.  Where do I go to get ice?"

H:  "Top of those mountains.  Dress warm."

I:  "I will.  Here-- back in a jiff."

H:  "All right."

I:  "Aw-- you guys.  I'd climb any peak for my Lili-poo!"

Lil:  "What was all that about?"

H:  "I'll explain later.  Stay here.  Oh-- hide that-- you know--
just in-- case."

Lil:  "Right.  Right."

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Hay:  "Master, we implore you-- grace us with your presence."

Dis:  "I don't remember approving this little, uh--
get-together."

Hay:  "And I don't remember inviting _you_."

Dis:  "How dare you?!  After all I've done for you?!  I'm a god!"

Hay:  "What you are, Discord-- is a square.  And I mean that
literally.  So-- anyone else have something to say?"

Dis:  "Let me out!  Let me out!  I am a god!"

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Hay:  "Praise be to the master.  We have gathered here to release
your spirit from the beyond.  I offer my body as a vessel.  To
me, Master!  Come to me!  Come to me!  To me!"

Nebros [Neb]:  "It's good to be back."

H's Voice:  "Don't get too comfortable."

H:  "You're not staying."

Neb:  "Well-- look who's back."

[Fight]

H:  "Oh-- not this again."

Neb:  "You can't touch me, remember?  But I can touch you."

H:  "Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h!  Havin' fun?"

Neb:  "Yeah."  [Laughs]

H:  "Cesca!  Now!"

Ces:  "`By the power of three, we did thee bound.  Now with these
words, the spell's unwound.'"

Neb:  "How dare you betray me?!"

H:  "She didn't.  She just borrowed a page from your book."

Neb:  "Believe me-- this is gonna hurt you more than it's gonna
hurt me."

H:  "Yah-h-h-h!  Huh?  Sorry.  Knowledge is power-- huh, Hayla?"

Neb:  "Hayla has gone forever!"

H:  "Oh, that's too bad.  I was just starting to like her."

Neb:  "No!  No-o-o-o-o-o-o!  No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

H:  "Whew.  You two all right?"

Ces:  "Yeah-- just."

Sar:  "Um-- lissten, um-- I'm sorry.  I didn't know she'd turn
out to be so-- "

Ces:  "Hey, it's OK.  She used you like she used me."

H:  "You ready to go home?"

Ces:  "Oh, yeah."

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H:  "So, how'd it go?"

Sar:  "Well, we renounced witchcraft."

Ces:  "And with Discord confessing to getting us started on all
this-- they took it easy on us-- a summer of community service."

H:  "Aw, good.  W-- wait, wait-- h-how did you get Discord to
confess?"

Dis:  [Muffled Screams]

H:  "No."

Ces:  "Oh, yeah."

Dis:  "Let me out of here!  We had a deal!  I got you out of
trouble!  Now, pay up!"

Ces:  "What do you think?"

H:  "I think a-- deal's a deal, unfortunately.  And besides,
what's-- one more spell between friends?"

Ces:  [Chuckles]

Dis:  "Open the box!  [Sighs]  Let's just forget this whole
thing-- ever happened.  Shall we?"

Ces:  "Oh-- Mom-- I am so sorry for such trouble I've caused you
lately."

Lil:  "No, I'm sorry I couldn't be the friend you needed."

Ces:  "No-- but you are.  I just haven't realized it."

Lil:  "Thank you."

H:  "Oh-- it was our pleasure.  Oh, no."

Ces and Lil:  "What?"

H:  "Iolaus.  I'll be back."

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I:  "Gotta get some ice-- ice-- for people-- to have with their
drinks.  Whoa.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, boy.  What am I doing here?
Will somebody tell me what I'm doing here?  Anybody?!  Anybody?!
Anybody?!  Anybody?!  Anybody?!"

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