Return of the Dragoon Jack of All Trades "Return of the Dragoon" Episode 1 Aired week of January 17, 2000 [Shot of a building on top of a mountain. Covered in snow. Caption reads 1801... Somewhere across the Canadian border] Women: I'll have you know that my uncle is the president, and when he finds out about this... Soldier: He will indeed be most upset. Cause when we send your headless body back to the White House, it will be wrapped in the flag of England, and Emperor Napoleon will rejoice as your country once again go to war. [laughs] [Shot of a wall, then Jack comes bursting through] Jack: I would have knocked but my fists had other plans. [Napoleon's soldiers attack Jack, and he fights them all off] Jack: Hey. [Takes keys off of one of the soldiers belts] You won't be needing these monsieur. Women: Who are you? Jack: No time for introductions miss, but if you ever want to see the good old u-s-of-a again you'll come with me. [They run out of the building, to find more soldiers pointing their guns at them] Women: What now? Jack: Sing. [They both sing, distracting the soldiers, who also start to sing. As the soldiers are singing they try to escape and end up at the end of the mountain] Jack: Say what's your dress size? Main Guard: Get them you idiots!. [Soldiers stop singing and pick their guns back up] Women: How dare you [slaps Jack across the face] Jack: What is mean is how much do you weigh? [She slaps him again] Jack: Ah the heck with it. [Grabs the girl and jumps over the cliff. He then grabs her legs, and uses her dress as a parachute] Women: What did you say your name was? Jack: Stiles miss, Jack Stiles. Jack. How can I ever repay you? [Jack glances up at her underwear. Cut to Jack and her in bed] Jack: I'd say your off to a pretty good start. [there's a knock at the door] Beat it turkey, I'm in the middle of some Thanksgiving. Voice outside the door: Open the door Jack it's Thomas Jefferson. Jack: The president.. you're uncle. Women: It's about time he found out I'm not a little girl anymore. Jack: Are you out of your mind? Jefferson: What's going on in there? Women: What can he do to us? Jack: For the love of god the man wrote the Declaration of Independence he could always finish it with except for Jack. Now get off. [Jack pushes her off the bed, and answers the door] Jack: Mr. President what a wonderful surprise. May I take your wig? TJ: Jack. I came to congratulate you on a job well done. Jack: Well I aim to please sir. TJ: Good, cause I'm re-assigning you. Under cover this time. Jack: No kidding sir. Where to Mr. President? Paris? London? TJ: Pulau Pulau Jack: Pulauda-who? TJ: A small island in the Indes. Napoleon sent one of his governors there to colonize the area. Jack: Oh. TJ: Listen Jack, Napoleon's hell bent on taking over the world and Pulau Pulau is his first stop. You wouldn't want to be speaking french for the rest of your life, now would you Jack? Jack: Oh, all those silent x's, my soul hurts just thinking about it sir. TJ: Good man. Pack everything you'll be gone forever. Or at Least till Napoleon's six-feet under Jack: Gee, I can't thank you enough. TJ: Your contact will meet you when you arrive and explain you cover. The fate of the free world rests in your hands Jack. Good luck. [They shake hands, and Thomas Jefferson moves toward the door and turns around.] TJ: Oh Jack. Touch my niece and I'll have George Washington chop off your cherry tree. [Thomas Jefferson leaves, JACK shuts the door, and looks back at the bed, where TJ's niece is] Jack: Luckily, I don't have a cherry tree. [Moves to the bed] [Opening Title] [Jack walks through P. p., and bumps into a child. He dropped a doll] Jack: Oh woah, slow down there daddy-o. Whose your little friend? Kid: Give him back. he's mine. [Kicks Jack] Bad man. Jack: Ow, somebody sterilize that kid. Emilia: The daring Dragoon. Jack: Much as I hate to say it miss, you've got the wrong guy. Emilia: Not you the doll. The Dragoon is a local folk hero, a myth. Jack: Say your English ain't bad. Emilia: Perhaps, because I'm English. Jack: Ha. Thought I recognized the accent. Listen I hope your not still upset we told your king where to stick his crown. I'd hate to have politics come between us. Emilia: My dear Mr. Stiles, your going to have to comport yourself if your going to be my own personal attach‚. Jack: Hey how do you know my... woah woah wait a minute your my contact. Emilia: uhum Emily Rothchild. Yes I'm a women, get over it. Jack: Woah sister let's get one thing straight right now. I take my orders from the president. [Emily reaches into Jack inside pocket and pulls out a paper from the president] Voice of TJ: Jack, Shut up and do what the lady says. R.J. Jack: That's what I get for voting. [Cuts to Emily and Jack entering their new base] Emilia: Here now. Jack: Ho ho ho. Say not bad, the king pays his pies well. Emilia: I'll have you know that everything you see here was purchased with profits from my export enterprise. You're cover will be your livelihood as well. Jack: So tell me is there a Mr. Stick-in-the-mud? Emilia: Indeed there is. If you'd like to meet him just walk six blocks north to the local cemetery, plot 6a, and do bring some flowers. He was a Frenchmen. My husband and I shared a burning hate for Napoleon's Imperialism. We established ourselves here to build our cover. Jack: Sorry he seemed like a swell guy. Emilia: Let me show you where you'll be staying till you get on your feet. [She then walks to the fireplace that happens to have a fire burning and walks through it] Emilia: It's an illusion Mr. Stiles. Please come through. Jack: And me without my marshmallows. [Jack walks through the fire] Emilia: A Simple trick of smoke and mirrors. Jack: Uh, that kind of clever. Emilia: Come along. Welcome to my laboratory. Jack: Wow ho ho. Wow! What are you a mad scientist or something? Emilia: Only mildly irritated. Don't touch anything. [Jack starts playing with a hanging scuba helmet, and it falls on him] Jack: What the hell is this thing? Emilia: It's a breathing apparatus. Jack: Well it's not freaking working. [Emilia removes the breathing apparatus from Jack's head] Jack: Woah watch the hair. Emilia: I've had my laboratory sound proofed so we can safely discuss our missions, and this will be where you'll residing. Jack: Oh, so if I were to say have company over in the wee hours. You'd snore right through it eh? Emilia: I suppose so in theory. However I didn't think I'd find it necessary to point out that this is a secret lab. Jack: That's fine by me, I"ve never been one to kiss and tell. [laughs] Oh all right. At least we'll have each other. Emilia: Mr. Stiles we'd might as well clear this up right now. You'll never find our bodies occupying the same horizontal plane. To put it another way, You will never know the sensation of my tongue exploring your forbidden neither regions. In other words, we will never stare lazily at the ceiling after a night of slow love making and pondering the meaning of the word happiness. Have I made myself perfectly clear? Jack: Yeah.. well who asked ya? Emilia: Now then the mission. [Cuts to Jack and Emilia arriving outside the Governors house. Emilia does a voice over describing the mission] Emilia: An infantry of French soldiers arrived shortly before you did, no doubt the governor plans to give them their attack orders. I've arranged for tea with him this afternoon. You must find those orders before the soldiers set sail, and warn their intended target. [End of voice over] Emilia: Now remember at the appropriate time, you'll excuse yourself and search the governors study. Jack: Right. Emilia: Find those orders. Emilia: Pose Mr. Stiles. Pose and Grace. [Shot of the governor having his help move a painting of himself and Napoleon] Governor Croque: I think a little to the left. Just a pinch more. [hears foot steps, and in walk Emilia and Jack] Madam, what a delightful surprise. Tell me what do you think of my family portrait. It just arrived from France. Emilia: No artist could ever capture the complexities of a man such as yourself Governor Crow. [Jack laughs] Jack: Say whose the munchkin? Governor Croque: That is my brother, monsieur, and the supreme emperor of France Napoleon Bunapart. Emilia: Your Governorship please excuse my new attach‚. He is unschooled in the ways of diplomacy. Governor Croque: He is rather minute, my brother, is he not? Jack: You kidding the real question is where does he stash his pot of gold? [Jack starts laughing, and to make it a joke Emilia begins laughing, followed then my Crow. A soldier enters the room] Soldier: I beg your pardon governor, but it seems that vandals have once again desiccated the town walls with the symbols of this Dragoon. Governor Croque : Oh let them. I Dragoon is an ancient fairy tale, and who would we be to deny the people their last vestige of all. Jack: Say Gov where do you keep your porcelain throne around here? Governor Croque: This mansion has a hundred bathrooms. Monsieur Stiles Jack: [laughs] He must get a lot of reading done. [Hands Emilia the bag he was holding, and walks out of the room] Emilia: Governor I thought we might take this opportunity to discuss the re-negotiation my exporting license. Governor Croque: What a splendid idea. [Cuts to Jack enter the Governors study. He begins looking through the desk. He opens a cigar box on top of the desk and takes all the cigars out of it. He then goes back to look through the drawers and finds a deck of cards] Jack: Poker. I hardly even know her. [laughs then looks through the cards] [Emilia comes into the Governors study] Jack: Look. Nudey cards. Emilia: Yuck! Jack: What? Emilia: Their looking all over for you and your in here playing with yourself. Jack: This is not my fault your gave me a bum steer cause I checked everywhere and there are no orders. Emilia: But that hardly gives you license to loiter pornographically in the governors study. Jack: Ba [Knocking at the door] Soldier: Mr Stiles? If that is you in there breaking into the governor's study is a crime punishable by death. Emilia: You're American ingenuity get us out of this one Mr. Stiles? Jack: Say, what color is your underwear? Emilia: Oh [Slaps Jack across the face] Jack: Oh not this again, would you let me explain? Soldier: Mr. Stiles! Governor there is an intruder in your study. Governor Croque: Break down the door at once. [Guards try to break down the door. Inside Jack is getting changed and Emilia is removing her underwear] Emilia: You could at least turn away. [She gives him her black underwear] Jack: Hey maybe this job ain't so bad after all. [With scissors in his hand] [Guards break through the door] Emilia: Help me! It's the Daring Dragoon! Soldier: It can't be! [Jack is dressed up like the Daring Dragoon] Jack as DD: Yet here I am. Plain as day and black as night. Soldier: To take a beautiful women hostage, this is the act of a coward. Monsieur. Jack as DD: Oh.. Tell me what a brave man would do and I'll do it. Soldier: He would fight to the death. [draws his sword, Jack easily get the sword out of the soldiers hand] Jack: [laughs] Be careful what you wish for --lou. I hate to embarrass you twice. Governor Croque: What is it you want monsieur? Jack: We the people of [whisper to Emilia] Where are we again? Emilia: Pulau Pulau Jack: Pulau Pulau, in order to form a more perfect island demand an end to French Imperialism, a three day work week, and comprehensive dental plan. Governor Croque: Kill him [Soldiers attack Jack and he find them all off.] Jack: [holds up the Nudey cards] Shame, shame. I'll be confiscating these. [Then escapes through the window.] Governor Croque : After him! [The soldiers run out in search of the Daring Dragoon. Jack reappears in the window. The window was level with the ground. Emilia walks to the window] Jack: [laughs] Whose your daddy? [Emilia walks out and joins Governor crow at the doors of the mansion. Soldier is standing next to her.] Emilia: Please don't punish yourself Captain. Had it not been for your quick reflects I might have taken my last breath. Captain: unfortunately Madam my reflects were not quick enough. [Captain walks back into the house, and runs into Jack] Jack: Hey what's the problem with him? Governor Croque: Mr. Stiles, you have just missed all the excitement. It seems the Daring Dragoon is indeed quite real. Jack: You don't say? There he is! [point off camera, and Governor looks] Just kidding. Governor Croque: You little monkey. [Governor walks back inside. Cuts back to Emilia Secret Laboratory] Jack: [laughs] We were great. You with that oh save me routine. You should be very proud of yourself. Emilia: Oh of course what women wouldn't be proud to perpetuate the myth of female at what we do best. Jack: Hey if I have to pretend to be your attache all day long. The least you could do is pretend to be my helpless victim once and awhile. Emilia: Oh once and a while. Do I take that to mean that you intend of making a habit of wearing my undergarments on your head? Jack: Oh now whose sexist? Don't I have a right to get in touch with my feminine side? Emilia: My faminine side Jack: It's the perfect front Em. Crow said it himself. The people need a hero and we need a way to kick darer without blowing our cover. Emilia: Thanks to you every Soldier in Pulau Pulau is on alert. You've made our job twice as hard, and do not, do not call me Em. Tomorrow at dawn I will dispatch a letter to your President. Requesting that you be replaced. Now if you'll excuse me I have a mission to finish. Jack: Oh you know what you're cracked because the Governor's orders are on that ship even as we speak. Emilia: Oh well if you'd done your homework you'd realize in the interest of secrecy French Captains don't open their orders until their ships have set sail. Jack: Oh well la de da. How do you propose to get on that ship when it's surrounded by soldiers? Emilia: What do you care? You've be relieved of duty. Jack: Ah save your breath sister I can relieve myself. [Cut to Emilia swimming to the Ship using her breathing apparatus. She gets on board goes to the Captains quarters, replaces the orders she finds in the desk and walks out of the room. One of the soldiers sees the footprints she left, alerts the other soldiers, and waits for her to come up on desk. When she does Jack appears dressed up like the Daring Dragoon] Emilia: What are you doing here? Jack: Making sure you don't screw up the mission. All right get out of here, I'll hold them off. [Emilia jumps overboard. Jack starts fighting off the soldiers] Captain: So we meet again, Mr. Fancy sword and flowing cape. Jack: Hey give me some credit will ya? You know how hard it is to wear this thing, and still look dashing? [Finds a piece of something on his shoulder, and picks it off] Captain: You may have been fortunate to have bested me once, monsieur. But luck is a fickle friend, that serves no master. Jack: What the hell are you talking about? [The begin fighting] Jack: You little devil you've been practicing. Captain: So kind of you to notice. [Continue fighting, Jack beats him again. The other soldiers start shooting at him] Jack: It must be half-time. Well I'd love to stay and chat but I'm allergic to lead. [Then disappears] [Back at the secret lab] Jack: What a waste of time, the ships just going to get new orders. Emilia: No it won't it's all ready set sail. Jack: You mean you didn't even get what you came for? Emilia: Well technically, I didn't steal their orders, I merely substituted one mission for another. Jack: [laughs] You've been holding out on me. Emilia: I ruffly six months the ship will find it's port somewhere off the south pole. Jack: [laughs] A boat load of French-sickle. Why didn't I think of that? [they both start laughing] Jack: Well I guess it was too much to expect for a Brit, and a American to partner up huh? Emilia: Yes, I suppose so. Jack: Hm, well so long sister, its been revolutionary. Emilia: Jack! I may not approve of your methods but you're hearts in the right place, and I due owe you a debt of gratitude for saving my life. So if I were to send another letter to Mr. Jefferson asking for your reinstatement. Would you consider it? Jack: No need, I got your first letter right here [pulls the letter out of his jacket] Emilia: You went through my mail? Jack: Well I knew you'd change your mind about me. Emilia: Mr. Stiles can I speak to you in the soundproof lab please? Jack: You're going to yell at me aren't... Emilia: Now! Mr. Stiles. Jack: Out of the frying pan into the fire. Ok I gotta get some marshmallows. [End Credits]
Reprinted from Angel's Jack of All Trades Transcripts.
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