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KEEPING UP WITH THE JASONS



“Keeping Up With the Jasons”  Episode 08/108

[TEASER]

Ja:  “Guys, guys.  Come on, come on.  Drink up.  We gotta get back to drills.”

Lilith [Lil]:  “Relax, it’s OK.  We still got a few minutes.”

Kora:  “Jason, this was left for you.  Happy Birthday.”

I:  “It’s your birthday?  I-I didn’t know it was your birthday.  Did you know it was his birthday?”

H:  “It’s your birthday?”

I:  “Oh, it’s a Corinthian surprise party.  You surprise the guests.”

Lil:  “Come on, why didn’t you tell us it was your birthday?”

Ja:  “Well, I didn’t want you guys to feel like you had to get me something.”

I:  “Oh.  Good.”

H and I:  “Iolaus.”

I:  “What?  What present do you give a future king?”

All:  “Ooh.”

H:  “Som’in’ like that.” 

Lil:  “Who’s it from?”

Ja:  “It’s from my uncle.  These belonged to my father.  He used them to break the Barbarian siege.”

I:  “Really?”

H:  “The Barbarian siege?”

Lil:  “Stellar!  That was really nice of your uncle to send ‘em to you.”

Ja:  “Ah-- he knows how much I miss my father.”

I:  “Yeah, we all do.”

H:  “Well-- these are definitely cool-- all right?”

Melotheum [Melo]:  “Too cool-- for academy wimps.”

Lil:  “Hey-- can we help you?”

Melo:  “You’re sitting at our table.”

Lil [and others]:  “Oooooh.”

I:  “Oh-- I’m sorry, I didn’t see your name carved on it.”

Ja:  “That’s assuming you _can_ carve your name.”

Melo:  “You academy punks come in here-- and act as if ya own the place!”

Kora:  “I own the place, so calm down, Melotheum.  We don’t have a gladiators’ license, yet.”

Melo:  “Hey-- they can stay.  It’ll just cost ‘em that sword and shield.”

Ja:  “Really?  Why don’t you come try and take ‘em?”

H:  “Hold it, hold it, hold on a second, Jason.  Um-- let me just get this straight, uh-- you’re willing to fight over a table?”

Melo:  “Mm-hmm.”

H:  “Well, I can see fightin’ over a kingdom.”

Ja:  “Or fighting for a noble cause.”

Lil:  “Or-or to stop outlaws.”

H [Sighs]:  “But over-- a table.  I don’t-- know.  I-I just wouldn’t-- think of that.  But, um-- well, if you and this table seem to be so in love, my friends and I wouldn’t want to keep you two lovebirds apart any longer.  So-- do you wanna be alone-- with the table?”

Lil:  “Yeah, well, we were getting back, anyway.”

Ja:  “Get goin’.  Get goin’.”

H:  “Listen.  Get outta here, birthday boy, all right?  We’ll take care of it.”

Ja:  “I’ll see you at the academy.”

I:  “All right.”

Ja:  “I’m gonna go polish my-- sword and shield.”

I:  “Uh-- I don’t have any money.”

H:  “Well, I don’t have any money.”

I and H:  “Hey, Lilith.”

Lil:  “Huh?  Oh.  Yeah.”

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Melo:  “I’ll take that sword and shield now.”

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[ACT I]

[Fight]

H:  “I said we wouldn’t fight over a table.  I never said we wouldn’t defend ourselves.”

Melo:  “You’ll be sorry when my brother hears about this.”

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Cadet:  “Wow-- so this is the sword and shield you used to fight off Melotheum and his gang.”

I:  “Yeah-- all he did was hold it up like this, and off they ran.”

Ja:  “Ahh-- there was more to it than that.”

Cadet:  “Cool-- Jason running Melotheum off, all by himself.  Wish I could’ve seen it.”

H:  “Me, too.”

Cheiron:  “Time to choose a Dacuuda.”

Cadet’s Voice:  “Dacuuda?”

Cheiron:  “Follow me.”

Cadets’ Voices:  “What is he talkin’ about?”  “What’s a Dacuuda?”

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I:  “Ah, he’s talkin’ Centaur, again.  What’s Dacuuda?”

Ja:  “Don’t you ever study?”

I:  “Not really.”

H:  “Dacuuda-- it’s an award for the student demonstrating the highest ideals of the academy.”

I:  “And those would be?”

H:  “Honor, skill, loyalty-- ”

Ja:  “-- which automatically leaves you-- out.”

Cheiron:  “Iolaus-- Lilith-- first test of skill-- one-to-one combat.”

I:  “Thank you.”

Cheiron:  “Begin!”

[Spar]

Lil:  “Owwww!”

I:  “Whoa-- sorry, Lilith.”

Lil:  “My eyes!”

Cheiron:  “Why did you stop?”

Lil:  “I can’t see!”

Cheiron:  “Lilith-- you must be ready for anything.  You must learn to see-- with other senses.  Jason-- Hercules.”

Ja:  “Smooth move, Iolaus.”

Cadet’s Voice:  “Go, guys.”

H:  “Hope you know how to use those things.”

Cheiron:  “Begin!”

[Spar]

I:  “Ow!  Ooh!”

H:  “Uh, I-- I guess-- that I yield?”

I:  “Man, that was pathetic.”

H:  “Yeah, um-- congratulations.”

Ja:  “I was just lucky.  Uh-- my father’s things made the difference.”

I:  “Well, local prince on his way to being Dacuuda.”

Lil:  “Yeah, with that sword and shield, nothing can stop you, now.”

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H:  “Hephaestus?  It’s Hercules.”

Hephaestus [Heph]’s Voice:  “In the workshop!”

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Heph:  “There-- fit for a god.  So-- what brings you here?  Good reason.”

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Heph:  “Huh?  My-- private collection.  OK.  Yeah, I’m real proud of this.”  

H:  “Whoa!”

Heph:  “Hey!”

H:  “Listen, this is way, way, way-- way-- ”

Heph [Interrupting]:  “-- way beyond what any mortal has seen?”

H:  “Yes.”

Heph:  “I know.”

H:  “Oh-- oh-ho-ho.  Oh.”

Heph:  “Oh.”

H:  “May I?”

Heph:  “Yeah.”

H [Whispers]:  “Oh-- wow.”

Heph:  “Oh.”

H [Whispers]:  “Could you back up for a second?”

Heph:  “Sure.”

H:  “Whoo!  Uh-- well-- this is so light.  It’s just got such a great balance.”

Heph:  “My own special alloy-- three times as strong and twice as light as Phoenician iron.”

H:  “Whoo.”

Heph:  “Hey-- try it.”

H:  “Huh?”

Heph:  “Yeah-- try it.’

H:  “Oh, yeah?  All right.  Huh, huh?  Well!”

Heph:  “Drop it.”

H:  “Drop it?”

Heph:  “Trust me-- yeah.”

H:  “OK.”

Heph:  “Hey-- trade secret-- magnetic metal.  OK.  OK.  Watch this.  OK.  Better stand behind me.”

H:  “All right.”

Heph:  “Ready?”

H:  “OK”

Heph:  “OK.”

H:  “Here we go.”

Heph:  “Here we go.”

H:  “Yeah.”

Heph:  “It’s great for fighting dragons!”

H:  “Or visting Uncle Hades.  Yes!  Listen, I-- I don’t know what to say.  You know?  How can I repay you?”

Heph:  “Hey-- you already have.  You stuck by me when Hera threw me out of Olympus.  Come on.”

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Lil:  “Whoa-oh-ho-ho-- and I thought -Jason’s_ sword and shield were awesome.”

Ja:  “Where’d ya get that stuff?”

H:  “Oh, uh-- just found it in some cave.”

I:  “Oh, come on, you stealin’ from a god?”

Cheiron:  “I see you’ve replaced your sword and shield?  I trust you don’t think that being Dacuuda-- is about shiny weapons.  A Dacuuda must learn to trust his-- or her-- senses.  Hercules-- Lilith-- blindfolds.”

H:  “Thank you.  All right.”

[Spar]

Lil:  “Lost something, Hercules?”

H:  “Whoo-- well-- looks like I found it.”

Lil:  “Hey!  How’d you do that?”

H:  “How?  I’m not tellin’ my secrets.”

Lil:  “Ow!”

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Cheiron:  “A Dacuuda must be adept at one-to-one combat under any circumstances!”

Ja:  “My father’s sword.”

H:  “Listen, I’m sorry.”

Lil:  “Hey-- you busted it.”

Ja:  “Why’re you bein’ a hotshot, huh?  What’re ya tryin’ to prove?”

H:  “Nothin’-- it’s just these new weapons.  I’m sorry.”

Ja:  “My father gave me a gift and you don’t like it.  You’re jealous!

I [Whistles]:  “Man-- whoo-- this sword is ho-ot.  Tell you what-- if it were mine-- I would mop the floor with all of you.”

H:  “Well, will you just-- watch it, all right, Iolaus?  It’s not  a toy.”

I:  “Whoo!  Ooh!  Eee.”

H:  “Pig.”

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Lil:  “Oh, come on, you guys.  You’re not gonna stay mad at each other forever.”

H:  “She’s right, you know.”

Woman’s Voice [In Background]:  “Oh, there she is!”

H:  “Listen, uh-- why don’t you let me buy your food-- huh?”

Ja:  “I’m not hungry.”

I:  “Can I have his share?”

Lil:  “Iolaus!  Ah-- your lack of sensitivity is amazing.”

H:  “Hey, listen.  Um-- I broke yours, so you take mine.  It’s only fair.”

Ja:  “I can’t take it.”

Midicus [Midi]:  “I can.”

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[ACT II]

H:  “Listen-- I didn’t wanna fight your brother, and I don’t wanna fight you, OK?”

I:  “What is _with_ this family?”  

Midi:  “I heard about you cadets and your-- fancy weapons.  You say you don’t wanna fight?  Well, you won’t be needin’ yours, then.”  

H:  “Uh-- I don’t think so.”  

I:  “I mean, the last thing this world needs is for them to fall into the hands of some-- big-- ugly-- creepy-- funny-lookin’-- ”

H:  “Iolaus.  Hey, I-Iolaus?”

I:  “What?”

H:  “Can you go get me some more water?”

I:  “What?”

H:  “Ah, just please?  Trust me.”  

I:  “OK, but now is a really bad time to be thirsty, Hercules.”

H:  “I understand.  Do this alone.  I got myself in this mess.”

[Fight]

Midi:  “It’s just you and me, academy wimp.”

H:  “Ya had enough?!  Do ya yield?!”

Midi:  “Is this what you call a fair fight at the academy?”

H:  “All right-- whatever.”

Midi:  “That was too easy.”

H [Whispers]:  “Think.  Think.”

Midi:  “Come out, come out, wherever you are!  But I’m over-- here.

Melo:  “Ya put up a good fight, Midicus.”

I:  “You turned the tables on him, Herc.”  [Laughs]

Kora:  “Someone get her some water!”

H:  “Is she OK?

Lil:  “My eyes-- I can’t see!”

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Lil:  “Guess I’ll be getting lots of practice in the blind drill.”

Cheiron:  “What you need is rest.”

H:  “Well?”

Cheiron:  “Only time will tell if she gets her eyesight back.”

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H:  “Lilith can’t see.  Jason hates me.  Iolaus doesn’t want me around.”

Heph:  “Well-- I know how it feels not to be liked.”

H:  “It’s just stupid!  Ya know?!  It was all about bein’ the best!  Jason had new weapons, and I wanted better ones, and-- just take ‘em, all right?  All they bring is trouble.”

Heph:  “Well, in that case, I don’t want ‘em either!”

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H:  “Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Ah-- thanks.  Take care of him for me, will you?  Wha?!  Huh?!”

Brother [Bro]:  “Is this the punk?”

Midi:  “Yeah, that’s him.”

Melo:  “That’s him.”

Bro:  “So, you’re the hotshot cadet with the fancy weapons, who picked on my two little brothers.”

H:  “Uh-- I don’t know what your brothers told you-- all right?  But I didn’t wanna fight them, and I don’t wanna you.”

Bro:  “In that case-- you give me those fancy weapons-- and we’ll call it even.”

H:  “Well-- interesting story, that.  Um-- I don’t have them.”

Midi:  “I say we start whomping on him now, and he’ll get ‘em fast enough.”

Melo:  “If he doesn’t have them, let’s just go home.”

Bro:  “Hey!  It’s about respect!  If Pa taught us one thing, it’s never back down from no cadet-- especially-- when _he_ ain’t got no weapons.”

Ja:  “Well, well-- we meet again.”

I:  “Hi, kids.”

Ja:  “What’s the problem here, Hercules?” 

H:  “Ah, well, there’s no problem, actually.  I was just telling these guys that I don’t have my weapons anymore, so-- ”

I:  “Where did you hide ‘em?”

H:  “Uh-- I destroyed them.”

I:  “We have a problem.”

[Fight]

Lil:  “Sounds like you cadets could use a hand!”

H:  “Lilith?”

Bro:  “Whoa!  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!”

Melo:  “My eyes!”

Bro:  “Hey-- she’s blind.  Now, we’ve got her.  This is going to be easy.  Ow!  Ah!”

Melo:  “I told you we should have gone home.”

Bro:  “Be quiet.”

Mid:  “What do we tell Pa?”

Bro:  “Be quiet!”

Ja:  “Are we in trouble?”

Cheiron:  “Well-- it seems like you had no choice but to fight.  You were unarmed-- and outnumbered at the start of it.  There’s no need for the final test.”

I:  “So, did you choose a Dacuuda?”

Cheiron:  “You chose for me.”

Lil:  “Me?”

Cheiron:  “You all fought with skill and loyalty and honor-- but Lilith discovered that a warrior’s strength comes from within.”

Lil:  “I did?  Well, how?”

Cheiron:  “When you saw without your eyes.”

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H and I:  “Happy birthday!”

Ja:  “Guys, you shouldn’t have.  It’s my father’s sword.  You fixed it.”

I:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Hephaestus fixed it, but-- yeah.”

Ja:  “Ah, guys, I don’t know what to say.”

H:  “Well-- just say that you’ll put it away in a safe place where we won’t get tempted to show off with it-- all right?”

Lil:  “Mind if I have a go before you  put it away?”

H:  “Can you see?”

Lil:  “Yes!”

H:  “You can see?!  That great!”

Ja:  “Cheiron-- you’re the master!  Hey, this calls for a celebration at Kora’s.”

I:  “All right.”

Lil:  “Ah, just one thing?  If someone wants that fancy belt of yours-- just give it to them.”

H:  “All right?  Hey, Jason, listen, uh-- I’m really sorry about what happened to your sword.”

Ja:  “Don’t worry about it, Hercules.”

I:  “Hey!  Birthday boy treats!  Huh?!  Right?!”

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