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“Cyrano de Hercules”  Episode 10/110


H:  “Look, I-I, don’t, uh-- ”

I:  “Uh-uh.  Come on.  Come on.”

H:  “Guys, listen, I don’t know about this, all right?”

Ja:  “Come on, Hercules.  It’s not gonna hurt.”

H:  “Well, I’ve never been on a blind date, before, all right?”

Ja:  “There’s three of them, and two of us.  We _need_ you.”

I:  “Yeah-- do the math.”

H:  “Whoa!”

I:  “Not that the situation didn’t have potential.”

Ja:  “Hey, ladies.  This is Hercules.  This is Penelope.”

H:  “Oh-- hi.”

Penelope [Pen]:  “Hello.”

Ja:  “Sabrina.”

H:  “Hi.”

Ja:  “And Tara-- your date.”

H:  “Uh-- hi.  So, uh-- nice to meet you.”

Tara:  “Is it?”

Hephaestus [Heph]:  “Hey-ey-ey!  Fellas!  What a nice surprise!”

I:  “Not the words I would have used.”

H:  “Uh-- ha-ha-- e-everybody-- this is Hephaestus.”

Heph:  “Hi.”

Kora:  “Well-- looks like some local boys finally got a date.”

Ja:  “Ha-- that’s pretty funny.  Huh-- well, ladies-- I think that, mh-- it would-- ”

I:  “So, uh-- how long have you been-- ?”

Heph [Interrupting]:  “Ah!  Bread!”

I:  “Hercules.  Herc!”

H:  “One second.”

I [Whispers]:  “You gonna do something about this?”

Heph:  “Wanna see a neat trick?  OK.”

H [Whispers]:  “Why me?”

I [Whispers]:  “’Cause-- he’s your brother.”

Ja’s [?] Voice:  “Ah, it’s-- really neat.”

H:  “That’s good.”

Pen:  “It’s-- getting a little late, isn’t it?”

Ja:  “Huh?  No.  Wha?”

H:  “Uh-- hey, Hephaestus-- can I talk to you for a second?”

Heph:  “Yeah.”

H:  “OK, uh-- I’m just gonna-- .  Uh-- hi.”

Heph:  “Hi.”

H:  “How you doin’?”

Heph:  “Good, good.”

H:  “Good-- nice to see ya.”

Heph:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Uh, listen-- me and the guys-- it’s funny, actually-- we had some plans for tonight?”

Heph:  “Oh, that’s great!  What’re we gonna do?!”

H:  “Uh, uh-- hey!  Hey, guys-- listen.  I was just about to tell Hephaestus, here, how much fun he might have if he had a date of his own-- huh?”

Heph:  “You’d do that?  For me?”

I:  “Uh, we’d do _what_, exactly?”

Heph:  “Well, ya’d help me find a date!  Aw-- what wonderful friends you are!  Oh, that’s great.”

Ja:  “Hold that thought, here.”

Pen:  “Jason-- ”

Ja:  “Sum’in’s come up.  Uh-- ”

Pen:  “Jason-- ”

Ja:  “Uh, I’ll just be one minute, OK?”

Pen:  “Jason.”

I:  “OK, OK-- make us proud.”

Heph:  “OK.”

I:  “Go.”

H [Whispers]:  “Come here.  Come here, come here-- there’s something on your face.”

Heph:  “Hey-- what do I say first?”

H:  “Oh.”

Ja:  “I, uh-- oh-- ‘Hello.’”

Heph:  “‘Hello.’”

H:  “‘Hello.’”

I:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah-- and then tell her, uh-- she has pretty eyes-- even if she doesn’t.  Go.”

Heph:  “Hello.”

Ja:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”

I [Whispers]:  “The eyes.”

Heph [Whispers]:  “Oh, her eyes.”

Heph:  “You have, uh-- very beautiful eyes.  Ooh!”

Ja:  “Sorry, you’re not his type.”

Heph:  “No-- no.”

I:  “But, uh-- you do have pretty eyes.”

Heph:  “Oh, yeah-- they’re great.  Hey-- yeah.”

Ja:  “Where’d they go?”

Kora:  “They’re gone.”

Ja:  “What?!”

I:  “Jas-- they’ve gone.”

Ja:  “Why did they go?”

Kora:  “Gee, they probably didn’t wanna sit alone all night.”

I:  “We can catch ‘em.”

H:  “Listen, Hephaestus, don’t sweat it, all right?  I mean-- we mean well, but-- the truth is-- we have no idea what we’re talkin’ about.  Listen-- if I know one thing about women, and that’s it-- you can’t make ‘em like you-- all right.”

Heph:  “No-- but I can _make_ a girl.”

Kora:  “Oh, yeah-- sure.”

H:  “Are you serious?”

Heph:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Oh-- uh-- OK.  I mean, I-I guess.  I mean-- he is the god of making stuff, but-- ”

Heph:  “Hey-- and you can help me!  It’s-- it’s brilliant!”

H:  “Oh, it is!”



H:  “Hephaestus-- making a woman sounds like an incredibly bad idea.”

Heph:  “But I can do it!”

H:  “It’s not a question ’a ‘Can do it’; it’s a question ’a ‘Should do it’.  And trust me-- you shouldn’t do it-- it’s wrong.  A person’s too-- you know, unique-- they’re too-- complicated-- [Sighs] uh, especially, a female person.”

Heph:  “But, why?”

H [Sighs]:  “I don’t know.  Um-- they’ve just always seemed more complicated to me.”

Heph:  “Look-- I want to know.  I mean-- what is it in a woman?”

H:  “Aw-- Hephaestus-- I don’t know.”

Heph:  “I want to understand.  I’ve lived most of my life alone.  I haven’t experienced the world like you.  So-- tell me.  I mean-- what-- is it about a woman that-- makes her what she is?”

H:  “It’s-- it’s everything.  It’s anything.  It’s-- ”

Heph:  “_W-w-what_ things?!”

H:  “OK, um-- chk-chk-- a woman is smart.”

Heph:  “Sm-- ”

H:  “And-and she _knows_ herself.  Well-- she’s got a very strong will.”

Heph:  “Strong-- like bronze.”

H:  “Sure, and, uh-- you know, and-- her senses are amazing, OK?  She can see and hear things that men can’t and, uh-- well, their hearts are pure.”

Heph:  “Pure-- you mean, like gold.”

H:  “Well-- sure, um-- and she’s caring, and she’s generous, and-- she’s full ’a love and affection, and-- ”

Heph:  “Love?”


Heph:  “Ah!  Ah!  OK.  Oh-ho-ho.  It’s done.”

H’s Voice:  “Hephaestus!”

Heph’s Voice:  “Galatea.”

Heph:  “I’ll call her ‘Galatea’.”

H:  “No-- no, no, no, no, no, no!  Hephaestus-- tell me you didn’t.”

Heph:  “Whaddya think?”

H:  “Well-- I mean-- it’s beautiful-- ”

Heph [Interrupting]:  “Ahhh!  Chhhhh!  Not ‘It’-- ‘She’.”

H:  “‘She’?”

Heph:  “OK.  All right.  It’ll take a minute.  I’ve got something for her.  OK.”

H:  “Uh, Hephaestus, I j-- ” 


Heph:  “Yeah.”


Heph:  “Something special.  I have to get her something special.  A songbird-- well, maybe she’d like that.  It sounds so pretty.  No-- wait.  Even better!  Butterflies!”


H:  “Amazing.  Hephaestus.  Hephaestus.  You-- uh, Hephaestus!  Hephaestus!  Um-- she’s-- her-- ”

Galatea [Gal]:  “Hello.”

H:  “Y-- uh, you can talk?  Oh-oh.  And-and-- y-you can move?”

Gal:  “What’s your name?”

H:  “Uh-- I’m Hercules.”

Gal:  “I am-- I’m-- ”

H:  “Uh-- you-- Galatea.  OK?”


Heph:  “I’ll make her a cage-- out of reeds.  Yeah!  And I’ll fill it with butterflies.  Wow, it’ll be beautiful!  Just like her.  Who am I kidding?  It’ll take a lot more than butterflies and birds to get Galatea to like me-- a lot more.”


H:  “Uh, what’re-what’re you doin’?”

Gal:  “Don’t be afraid of me.  I’m full of love and affection.”

H:  “Well-- that may be, but-- y-you see, I-I think that you have me confused for someone else.”


Hep:  “Hercules would know what to do-- he always does.  It always seems so easy to him.  If I was Hercules, I’d-- I’d-- I’d bring her some _flowers_!  Yeah!  That’s it!  Flowers!  OK.  All right.”


Heph:  “Hey, Hercules!  Do you think she’ll like flowers?”

Gal:  “Flowers?”

Heph [Sighs]:  “It’s happened.”

H:  “Yeah-- uh-- this is Hephaestus.  He’s, uh- the guy that made ya.”

Gal:  “Hello.”

Heph:  “Hi.”

Gal:  “Hercules?”

H:  “Yeah?”

Gal:  “Is he your friend?”

H:  “Hephaestus?  Oh-- Hephaestus my friend?  Yeah-- Heph is the best!  Oh, sorry.  Yeah, listen, you know what I think?  I think that you two kids should go away-- somewhere romantic-- somewhere fun-- huh?  Somewhere very far-- oh, so far-- away from here.”

Heph [Aside to H]:  “Uh-- I still don’t know what to say.  Can you come with me?”

H:  “No.”

Heph:  “What about the guys?  Maybe they’ll help.”

H:  “Well-- they couldn’t make it any worse.”


Heph:  “So-- you think she’ll like it?  It’s got the best views around here.”

H:  “Yeah.  Whoa!  If we survive the trip.”

Gal:  “Thank you for bringing me here.”

H:  “Oh, Galatea, would you-- ?!  Hey-- how about Hephaestus, huh?  OK, maybe-- on the outside, a little bit-- a little bit rough, OK?  But on the inside?  [Whistles]  There’s a great guy, huh?”

I:  “Am I missing something, here?”

Ja:  “When you figure it out, tell me.”


Heph [Whispers]:  “OK, all right.  Food, yeah.  Uh-- I got cheese, bread-- hi.”

H:  “Oh [Chuckles]-- ah-- look at that!  Goat cheese so fresh, there’s fur on it!  Ha-ha-ha.  Hephaestus is amazing, isn’t he?  Oh, um-- you know, that Hephaestus is gonna make some girl very, very happy some day.”

Ja:  “That’s Hephaestus’ date-- you gotta back off.”

H:  “Look-- I’m not doing it-- she is.”

Ja:  “Well, you better do something, soon, or he’s gonna notice.”

H:  “Galatea?”

Gal:  “Yes?”

H:  “We have to talk, OK?”

I:  “Is that goat cheese?”


H [Sighs]:  “Galatea-- ya have to lay off.”

Gal:  “I can’t do that.”

H:  “Why can’t you do that?”

Gal:  “Because I don’t want to-- and I have a _very_ strong will.”

H:  “You got a strong will?  And your senses are keen?  And your heart is pure?  And-- it’s all because of me.”

Gal:  “It’s like-- you can see inside me.”

H:  “Galatea-- stop.  Listen.”

Heph:  “Hercules!”

H:  “Hephaestus-- I can explain-- all right?”

Heph:  [Yells]



H:  “Heph-- just listen to me.”

Heph:  “I don’t wanna hear your lies!”

H:  “I’m not gonna fight you, all right?  We’re brothers.”

Heph:  “I don’t care.”

Ja:  “That’s enough!”

Heph:  “Is this what you want, Hercules?  I’ll give you the woman you _deserve_.  Come with me!”

Gal:  “Hercules!”

Heph:  “Get out of the way!”

I:  “Man, I’ve never seen Heph angry, before.  I don’t wanna see it, again.”

Ja:  “Be careful, Hercules.  He may be a nice guy, but he’s still a god.”


Heph:  “If Hercules wants you-- well, he can _have_ you!  Your heart burns with passion for him.  May your heart be cold as Olympian ice.”


H:  “He’s just so lonely, that he did something really wrong, you know?”

I:  “Poor guy-- he can’t even _build_ a girl to like him.  Hmm.”

Ja:  “Why was she going after you?”

H:  “Mmm-- how should I know?  Uh-- Galatea-- listen-- I know how you feel about-- whoa!”


Heph:  “Wait a minute!”

H:  “What are you tryin’ to do?”

Gal:  “I’m tryin’ to_hurt_ you!”

Heph:  “I wanted her to _reject_ Hercules, not attack him!”

I:  “Whoa-- their first argument’s a doozie.”

Ja:  “She’s serious.”

H:  [Moans]

Heph:  “Oh, this is terrible.  I’ve _got_ to help them!”

Ja:  “Let me, uh-- .  Hey-- how you doin’?  I was just-- whoaaaaaaaaaaaa!  Ah!  Ah!  Ah!”

Heph:  “She’s trying to hurt you-- and them.”

I:  “Uh-- uh-- hi.  Whoa!  Ja-sonnnnnnnn!”

H:  “I’ll get her.  You help the guys.”

Heph:  “OK.”


Ja:  “You’ve put on a little weight, Iolaus!”

I:  “Tell me about it.”

H:  “Yeah-- I gotta get a new approach.  Jason!  Just hold on, guys!  Look, I don’t understand.  I thought you liked me.”

Gal:  “My heart is closed to you.”

Heph:  “Quick-- give me your hand.”

Gal:  “What are you doing?!”

H:  “I’m trying to save you!”

Heph:  “I wanted her to forget him-- not destroy him.”

Ja:  “Hephaestus!”

I:  “Can you give us a hand, here?!”

Gal:  “If you do not let me end now-- I shall only destroy you later!  Don’t you believe me?”

H:  “Yeah, I believe you.”

Gal:  “Then, why do you _do_ this?!”

H:  “Because I have to.  Why would you-- destroy me?”

Gal:  “I have to.”

Heph:  “She’s not real.  This is all my fault.”

I [?]:  “Hercules!”

Ja:  “Let me pull you back!”

H:  “Get off!”

I:  “No, we’re not leaving you here, Herc!”

H:  “If you get off, we’ll have a chance to swing to safety!  If you don’t, we’re all goin’ down!”

Ja:  “OK.  Come on.”

Heph:  “Galatea-- I can’t leave her!  Galatea!”

I:  “Heph, she’s not real!”

H:  “On the count of three-- we’re just gonna swing.  Let go with your hands.  One-- two.  This is gonna hurt.  Three!”  [Yells]

Heph:  “Nooo!  Galatea!  Galatea!”

H:  “Is she OK?”

Ja:  “The bridge couldn’t hold her.”

H:  “Hephaestus.”


H:  “How you doin’, Hephaestus?”

Heph:  “I never should have made you.  I wanted to believe that you were real.  I know she’s not real, Hercules.  Why does it still hurt that she’s gone?”

H:  “I don’t know.  I wish that I did.”


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