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TRANSCRIPTION OF YH
MOMMY DEAREST


“Mommy Dearests”  Episode 27/127

[TEASER]

Lilith [Lil]:  “Now, Hercules, are you sure it’s gonna be OK with
your mother if I tag along?”

H:  “Yes.  OK?  She loves company.”

I:  “Aw, man-- wait till you taste Alcmene’s sweet apple pie.
Mmm.”

H:  “Oh, and her fig tarts-- ”

I:  “Oh, oh-- forget about it.”

H:  “Oooh.”

I:  “Hey, uh-- do you think she’ll make, uh-- that lamb and her
mint sauce?”

Lil:  “Oh, stop it!  You’re making me hungry!”

I:  “Making _you_ hungry?  Man, I can practically smell smoke
from here.”

People’s Voices [Screaming]:  “Fire!”

H:  “You can!”

I:  “Alcmene!”

H:  “Run!”

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Alcmene [Alc]:  “Why are you doing this?!”

Lucius [Luc]:  “A message-- from one son of Zeus-- to another.”

Alc:  “You’re Lucius?”

Luc:  “That’s right.  Take a good-- long look.”

Alc:  “If you’ve come here to hurt me, just get it over with!”

Luc:  “Oh, Alcmene-- that would ruin the fun!  You see, I want
you-- to watch-- as your son loses his mind with hate.  I want
you to know how much he’s going to suffer.”

Alc:  “Hercules is at the academy.”

Luc:  “Nice try-- but I happen to know he’s on his way.  In fact,
he should be here-- ”

H’s Voice:  “Mom!”

I’s Voice:  “Alcmene!”

H’s Voice:  “Coming!”

Luc:  “Right on schedule.”

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Luc:  “Be sure to tell him-- I dropped by.”

H:  “Mother.”

I:  “The curtains!  Lilith!  Help!”

Alc:  “I’m all right.”

H:  “Who did this?”

Luc:  “Go!”  [Laughs]

H:  “Lucius.”

Lil:  “Uh.  There.”

I:  “Uh.”

Lil:  “Yeah.”

Alc:  “He seemed to want to hurt you.  Why’d he attack the
village?  It doesn’t make any sense.”

H:  “Yeah, it makes perfect sense to him.”

I:  “Yeah, he’s tryin’ to destroy every mortal son of Zeus.”

Alc:  “What do you mean?”

I:  “He’s a wacko.”

Alc:  “There may be others in the village that need help.”

Lil:  “Hey-- we’ll check.”

I:  “Right with ya.”

H:  “One thing’s for sure-- he is _definitely_ not gonna get away
with this.”

Alc:  “Please, don’t do anything foolish.  Lucius wants you to
come after him.”

H:  “Well-- he’s gonna get what he wants.”

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[ACT I]

Ambassador [Amb]:  “And so you see, young man-- we offer up a
sacrifice to the Minotaur on a regular basis.”

Ja [Whispers]:  “Get me outta here.”

Ophistus [Oph]:  “Well!  Thank you, your eminences, for coming.
However, Prince Jason has to, um-- he must, um-- ”

Ja [Whispers]:  “Troops.”

Oph:  “Inspect the troops.  Thank you again.”

Amb:  “Mmm.”

Ja [Sighs]:  “That man needs a bib.”

Oph:  “Yes.  Oh, just one tiny thing, my prince-- ”

Ja:  “What’s that?”

Oph:  “Always use the fork, furthest from the plate, first.”

Ja:  “It’s almost fall break at the academy.”

Oph:  “Yeah-- what has that to do with protocol?”

Ja:  “I miss my friends.”

Oph:  “Well-- perhaps we have been working a little hard.  Why
don’t you take a short walk?”

Ja:  “Yeah.  Yeah, I’ll just go wander around the-- marketplace
for a while.”

Oph:  “No, no-- I-I meant around the palace.”

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Luc’s Mother:  “Tell Mother how you made Alcmene suffer.”

Luc:  “I had her watch-- while her village burnt around her.
Then!  I made her understand how _few_ hours her _precious_
Hercules has left to live!”

Luc’s Mother:  “You see, Zeus?  This!  Is your true child-- not
that wretched whelp of Alcmene’s.  Oh-- you never loved her--
not-- like you loved me.  Oh, we’re coming, Zeus.  We’re coming
to Olympus to join you.  Tell me-- tell Mama-- what you’ll do to
Hercules.”

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Ja:  “Hi, there.”

Woman’s Voice:  [Screams]

Thief:  “Give me that!”

Woman [Screams]:  “Help!  Help!”

Men’s Voices:  “Get him!  Get him!”  “Grab him!”

Thief:  “I’m gonna break you in half, little man.”

Ja:  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

Woman’s Voice:  “He’s a real-- ”

Luc/Theodore [Theo]:  “Here you go, Ma’am.”

Woman:  “Thank you.  Thank you, very much.”

Luc/Theo [Laughs]:  “My pleasure, Ma’am.  I mean-- golly-- what
citizen wouldn’t do the same thing.”

Woman:  “And-- thank you, your Highness.”

Ja:  “You’re welcome.”

Woman:  “Thank you.”

Ja:  “You’re welcome.”

Luc/Theo:  “‘You’re Highness’?”

Ja:  “Jason.”

Luc/Theo:  “_Prince_ Jason?  Wow!  Uh-- Theodore.  Uh, I just
moved here from Patrai.”

Ja:  “Oh-- you’re here with your family?”

Luc/Theo:  “Uh, no.  My father-- passed away.”

Ja:  “Oh.  I’m sorry.”

Luc/Theo:  “There’s been a lot to take care of, you know.”

Ja:  “I know how you feel.”

Luc/Theo:  “Yeah.”

Ja:  “Well, look, I, um-- I gotta go back to the palace.”

Luc/Theo:  “Sorry, I did-I didn’t mean to keep you, huh?”

Ja:  “No, why don’t you, um-- why don’t you come _with_ me?  You
can show me a-- few ’a your rope tricks.”

Luc/Theo:  “You sure?”

Ja:  “Hey-- _‘knot’_ a problem-- huh?”  [They laugh.]

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Alc:  “Iolaus?”

I:  “Hey, Alcmene.  Hey.  Hey, are you OK?”

Girl:  “I lost my dog.”

I:  “Aw-w, well, don’t worry about it.  He’ll come back.  At
least you _have_ the dog.  Oh.  Hey, uh-- ya like magic?  Yeah?
Look-- nothing in my hands.  Huh?  Magic coin-- see?  Ya like-- ?
W-w-wait!  Wait.  That’s my money.”

Lil:  “Hey, Hercules-- slow down.  We’ve got enough.  You’re
thinking about Lucius, aren’t you?”

H:  “Wouldn’t you, if he attacked _your_ mother?  Huh?”

Lil:  “Hey, easy-- you’ll get your chance.”

H:  “When?  When he just comes into town and burns people’s homes
down and rides away laughing?!”

Lil:  “Do you know where Lucius went?”

H:  “Not yet-- but I know him-- and he’s left some kinda clue
around here, that-- sick, little-- .  When I find it-- I’m gonna
make sure that he can never hurt anybody, ever again.”

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Ja:  “Hey, yah.  Whoo!”

Luc/Theo:  “Nice place ya got here!”

Ja:  “Yeah.  Hey, I’ll tell ya-- the only other person I’ve seen
handle a rope like that is Hercules.”

Luc/Theo:  “Oh-h-h?”

Ja:  “Hmm.”

Luc/Theo:  “Who’s he?”

Ja:  “Her-- who’s Hercules?!  Well, that’s my buddy!  He’s one of
Zeus’s mortal sons.”

Luc/Theo:  “Jeepers!  Zeus has mortal sons on Earth?”

Ja:  “Ah, yeah.  They’re not all like Hercules, though.  Some of
them [Cuckoo Sound here]-- aren’t all there if ya know what I
mean.”

Luc/Theo:  “No, I don’t.”

Ja:  “He’s got this, uh-- one half-brother-- Lucius-- ha-ha--
guy’s a complete meathead.  Hey, come on-- show me some of that
rope stuff.  Mmm.”

Luc/Theo:  “Exceptional people-- aren’t always understood-- by
the lesser ones around them.”

Ja:  “Really.  Well, Hercules is exceptional, and I understand
him just fine.”

Luc/Theo:  “That’s nice-- love to meet him.”

Ja:  “Well, I’ll see what I can do.”

Oph:  “Ah-- your Highness-- time for your etiquette lesson.”

Luc/Theo:  “Well, I gotta get goin’, anyway.  Uh-- thanks for
showin’ me around the palace.  Chk.”

Ja:  “Hey!  You forgot your rope.”

Luc/Theo:  “Keep it.”

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Luc:  “Hercules is as good as mine.”

Thief:  “I _did_ what _you_ wanted. I stole that lady’s bag.
Now, _give_ me what you promised!”

Luc:  “Do you have any idea-- how hard it was-- to pretend to let
such an oaf like you get the better of me?”

Thief:  “Mm-mm.”

Luc:  “Normally-- I would tear you-- into _tiny, little pieces_!
And feed you to the dogs for even _presuming_ to touch me!”

Thief:  “So-- I guess we’re even?”

Luc:  “Uh-- yeah.”

Theif:  [Yells]

Luc:  “None of them are worthy, Father.  But soon-- I will prove
to you that I am!  [Whispers] Father.”

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I:  “Hey-- how’s it goin’?”

Lil:  “Oh, look at her.  Her village is burned-- and she can
still be happy.”

I:  “Yeah-- she can still be happy, ‘cause the little thief has
got my money.”

Lil:  “Oh, come on, Iolaus.  Oh.  Hello?  Beep-beep.”

I:  “Yep-- that’s great.”

Lil:  “Ooh.  Ooh.  Yuck.”

I [Sighs]:  “Well, I guess there’s someone around here that likes
ya.  Hey.”

Girl:  “Buddy!”

I:  “Now, don’t go losing him again, OK?”

Girl:  “Here’s your money?”

I:  “Uh-- no, you go keep it.  Go buy your dog a cat.”
[Chuckles]

Girl’s Voice:  “Come on, Buddy!  Let’s go!”  [Giggles]

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Luc:  “Mother?!  Hmm-- yummy.  Goat stew!”

Luc’s Mother:  “Tell me that Hercules is dead.”

Luc [Gulps]:  “Soon, Mother; very soon.”

Luc’s Mother:  “No stew for you!”  [Hisses]

Luc:  “I’m sorry!”

Luc’s Mother:  “Don’t you care about me, anymore?  My bags for
our trip to Olympus have been packed for hours.”

Luc:  “I-I-I know, Mother.  But-- ”

Luc’s Mother:  “Go ahead-- forget about the woman who gave you
life.  Just-- break-- my-- hear-r-r-r-r-r-t!”

Luc:  “I-- have a plan.”

Luc’s Mother:  “What plan?”

Luc:  “T-to use Hercules’ friend-- to break him.  It’ll take a
little longer-- but he will suffer-- oh! so much more!”

Luc’s Mother:  “Well-- now, that’s different.  Here-- have mine.”

Luc:  “Thank you, Mother.  I-I’ve discovered Hercules’ mortal
weakness.  He actually _cares_ about his friends!  [Laughs]  And
I intend to use that-- to de-_stroy_ him.”

Luc’s Mother:  “That’s my boy.”  [Evil Laugh]

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H:  “Corinth.”

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[ACT II]

Ja:  “Ya-hah!  Ya-hah!  Hey-hey-hey-- Hercules.  Hey, I didn’t
expect ya so soon.”

H:  “Whaddya mean, ‘So soon’?”

Ja:  “I just sent for ya.  Theodore-- ‘Rope Man’-- he wanted to
meet ya.”

H:  “Well, whatever-- that’s not why I’m here.”

Ja:  “This is one of our royal banners.  Where’d ya get this?”

H:  “Lucius left it as a bit of a calling card when he attacked
my mother’s village.”

Ja:  “Lucius.”

H:  “He’s in Corinth.”

Ja:  “Why?”

H:  “Well-- in his twisted little mind, he thinks that if he
hurts people that are close to me-- he hurts me.  So-- you’re in
danger.”

Ja:  “Go to the captain of the guards.  We’re gonna form a search
party.  I’ll meetcha in the armory-- all right?

H:  “OK.  See ya there.”

Ja:  “Theodore-- how’ja get in here?”

Luc/Theo:  “Why?  Is there a problem?”

Ja:  “Yeah, Lucius is in Corinth.”

Luc/Theo:  “Ooh.”

Ja:  “We’re gonna search the city.  What’s with the sword?”

Luc/Theo:  “Oh, I, uh-- I just thought there might be some
trouble.”

Ja:  “Because of Lucius.”

Luc/Theo:  “Of course.  What else?”

Ja:  “I don’t know.  Ha-ha.  But I _do_ know-- that no one
knows-- he’s here-- but Lucius himself.”

Luc:  “Smart boy!”

[Fight]

Ja:  “I’m not _that_ smart.”

Luc [Laughs]:  “Ha-ha!

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Luc:  “I’ll take that.”

Ja:  “You’re not gonna get away with this, Lucius.”

Luc:  “_Prince_ Jason-- what made you think you could challenge a
son of Zeus?”

H:  “Why not?  He challenges this son ’a  Zeus all the time.”

Luc:  “Little brother-- _why_ am I not surprised to see you,
huh?!”

H:  “Let’s just talk about this, OK?”

Luc:  “_Don’t_ come any closer-- unless you wanna see whether
_royalty_ bounces, huh?!”

H:  “What-- do you want, Lucius?”

Luc:  “Let’s see, uh-- I want you-- to suffer for making me look
bad in front of Zeus.  And then-- I wanna destroy you.”

H:  “Do you actually think that this is gonna make Zeus proud of
you, huh?  ‘Cause if you do-- you’re crazier than I thought.”

Ja:  “You don’t have to do this, Lucius!  There’s help for people
like you!”

Luc:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Don’t make me laugh.”

H:  “Lucius, listen.  Just think about what you’re doin’ here,
OK?  If you hurt him-- his people will hunt you down like a dog.”

Luc:  “Let’s find out then, shall we?”

Ja:  [Yells]

H:  “Jason!”

Ja [Groans]:  “Don’t worry about me, Hercules!  I’ll just, uh--
I’ll just hang around!”

H:  “All right, just hold on!  I got some business to take care
of.”

[Fight]

H:  “First my mother, now my friends, huh?  Stop hurting people
that I care about!  If you really wanna get through to Zeus, this
is not the way, all right?”

Luc:  “Zeus loves me.  He tells me every day.  Come on, admit
it-- you wish you had the guts to be me.”

H:  “What?”

Luc:  “You wanna be Zeus’s favorite _so_ badly, you can _taste_
it!  Sadly, that role is filled.  You see?  Zeus loves _me_ more.
[Evil laughter]  Well-- I guess I’ll just have to use my bare
hands, then.”

Ja:  “Hercules!”

H:  “Jason!”

Luc:  “Come on.  Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

H:  “Two can play at that game.  Give it up, Lucius.  It’s over.”

Luc:  “Never.  See?  I know where your mommy lives.  And your
friends are _so_ easy to find.”

H:  “Don’t you ever go near my mother again!  You understand me?!
Ever!  Nobody-- nobody!  Hurts my mother or my friends!  Do you
understand that?!  Do you-- understand that?!”

Luc:  “Uh-- something about your mommy.”

H:  “I’m gonna-- ”

Luc:  “What?  Do to me what I did to your friend, Jason?”

Ja’s Voice:  “Hercules!”

Luc:  “You could save him-- but you _so_ wanna finish me.  Huh?”

Ja:  “Uh!  Uh!”

Luc:  “You’re just like me.”

H:  “Get back here and fight like a man!”

Ja:  “Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Whoo!  Hey-- don’t worry about it.  I heard
what he said.  You’re nothin’ like him.”

H:  “Oh, yeah?”

Ja:  “Yeah.”

H:  “How can you be so sure?”

Ja:  “Well-- I wouldn’t have a jerk like that for a friend.”

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