There is the sound of hoofbeats and Xena pounds up on Argo, whipping her.
Xena leaps off the horse as the Amazons line up to attack. Argo stalks off, talking on a cel phone. Xena spins in the air, missing all the Amazons who conveniently stood in such a way that one Xena spin would land her in a strategic position. Ephiny grabs her.That's it. I'm calling my agent.ARGO
Xena pulls out a sheet of typing paper and gives Ephiny a really nasty paper cut. Ephiny falls to the ground screaming.Xena! No!EPHINY
Suddenly, JOXER runs out of the hut carrying Gabrielle.
He hands her a Certs.Geez, lay off the TexMex, wouldja?JOXER(to GABRIELLE)
Xena grabs a whip, and gets GABRIELLE around the legs while the bard tries to extricate her toga from JOXER's plate thingy. Jumping on a stunt horse, Xena ties off the ropey whip and starts galloping, dragging Gabrielle behind her.Xena?GABRIELLE
I'm a little upset.XENA
Well, we can't have that. Let me sing you a song to soothe your spirits.GABRIELLE
NOOOOOOO! Don't sing!!!!!!!!!!XENA
Xena glances back, watching as Gabrielle is dragged through broken glass, then lava, then a nuclear testing ground.I'm being dragged.GABRIELLE(singing to the tune of "Deep in the Heart of Texas")
Cuz m'toga was snagged.
Ain't life a drag with Xena!
This really hurts.
Eep! I swallowed my Certs.
Ain't life a drag with Xena!
Stop singing! We haven't even gotten to Delusia yet! And by the way, you overused the word 'drag.'XENA
Oh, like I'm supposed to be clever as you tow me behind a horse. Besides, I was just warming up the ole pipes.GABRIELLE(bumping along rocks, etc.)
Like they're gonna let you sing. They have stunt singers in Delusia -- so just wait.XENA
Oh yeah? And if I don't? Whattaya gonna do, kill me?GABRIELLE
They arrive at a cliff and Xena picks up Gabrielle and holds her over her head.I've considered it.XENA
Xena hands her a Tums. Gabrielle kicks Xena. They fall to the ground then square off.Geez! Lay off the TexMex, why doncha?XENA
Enraged, both women attack each other and fall off the cliff into a waterfall. It's a strange, enchanted waterfall which instantly tears the clothes off anyone who swims there (a favorite swimming hole of Xenastaff).Nobody insults Momma ROC's cooking.GABRIELLE
Oooh, I'm so scared. Whatcha gonna make of it?XENA
I'm gonna play with your fake hair!GABRIELLE
A naked Xena (gosh, never seen that before, huh?) goes downstream.
Xena, sputtering, raises her head above water.Lose thy clothing and hold thy breath for here in water shall there be no oxygen for lungs, yet for gills there be.CALLISTO (v.o.)
Callisto pulls Xena out of the water. Xena, still naked lies unconscious. Callisto bends down and licks her face like a puppy, waking her.What? I don't understand -- that doesn't make sense.XENA
As a fish thou swimmest in taroted lands and fillith thy fishy fins with unknowable wisdom and forsooth, 'TIS a drum be heralded in enchantment's path.CALLISTO (v.o.)
Speak Greek for crying out loud! I don't understand a word you're saying.XENA
Holyfield am I! The boxer of fishes and boundless patterns of dresses and other garments in the heavyweight class.CALLISTO (v.o.)
Glad that you're still quite nude.CALLISTO (cont'd)(singing)
Thought it'd amuse ya.
Gotta sing, don't say a word...!
This is Delusia!