Whoosh! Issue 39 - December 1999


Exclusive to Whoosh!
By Jack McClure
Content © 1999 by author
Edition © 1999 by Whoosh!
988 words

Author's Note:

When I heard that Lucy Lawless said that she is attracted to Martha Stewart's style, as in "Living" magazine, I suddenly had to know if there had ever been a monthly Xena Calendar of activities!! To satisfy this urge, my obviously ensuing mission was to search for days through musty tombs, abandoned temples, wobbly hard drives, etc., until I found IT!

There it was, Her Calendar, in a little pocket scroll with all sorts of tabs, and a cute little stylus in a pocket on the back. Anyway, I have attached a copy of Xena's Calendar for April - year unknown (of course, I have the original available for inspection by Serious Investigators).

April -- Year Unknown

Xena's Calendar for April -- Year Unknown

April -- Year Unknown


APRIL (Aphrodite's Month)

(Disclaimer: No casualties were incurred during the creation of this calendar, except perhaps to good taste, & Martha Stewart's ego)

First Day

Second Day

Third Day

Fourth Day

Fifth Day

Sixth Day

Seventh Day


Groom Argo, strip winter coat & give summer trim. Ditto, Gabrielle



Re-do flower beds @ Mom's place, plant all Zinnias


Have all flowerbeds in Amphipolis re-done & planted in Zinnias. Ditto, Peloponnesus


Hold field demo on "Why Zinnias are Good for Greece!"

Select small village for demo


Create new Nectar cuvee, "Chateau Xena"


Tea & Discourse w/ Socrates - Athens, 1:30 p.m. (accept cookie, skip hemlock)









Give Workshop for Amazons; "Higher Self Esteem Through Better Accessorizing"


Send invitations to Hot Tub Party in honor of Zeus & Hera (cut Ares...)



Shop for Tub Toys -

Approve new Nectar label -

Fill hot tub -

Notify local scribes (warn local villages)

13 HOT TUB Party!

Ambrosia Saté &
Nectar Coolers;

Gabrielle to demo
Bobbing for Apples;

Pose for group vase
portraits & statue


Restore Order!

Rest (change water in hot tub first...)



Clean & classify grave antiquities of extinct Etruscans -

Open display at Amphipolis Museum


Polish off surviving Etruscans


School Argo in multiplication tables, School Joxer in left from right (90% to pass for Argo - 50% OK for Joxer)


Address Roman Senate - "Less is More, Get It Dudes?"


Give saddle bags spring cleaning

Straighten up Great Wall of China


Determine Meaning of Life




Hammer nicks out of sword blade

Prune hedges


Give Workshop for Amazons - "Weaving Twig Baskets for Fun and Profit"


Clean & oil saddle & tack (Joxer?)


Sharpen chakram

Shave legs & pits


Send breastplate & armlets to cleaners,

Re-sharpen chakram


Appointment; facial, manicure, pedicure - also hoof trim for Argo (Gabrielle?)




Pick up breastplate & arm bands - shop for herbal body wash, conditioners and scented candles


Sack Rome



Jack McClure Jack McClure

Well gee, I suppose it all began when I learned to read. OK, so we had pictures of mastodons on the walls of our cave, but it wasn't at all like those scum-bag revisionists at the Smithsonian show in their subversive little dioramas - By The Gods, we also had Comic Books!! Anyway, after starting to read them more and more frequently, I couldn't seem to stop. Then I moved on to the hard core stuff, SciFi! Since then I have tried all sorts of programs (some with more steps than a Stair-Master), but nothing seems to help. I therefore must be considered to be a functioning word-aholic_

However, to make a living, and support this and other (also unsavory - see below) habits, I am an environmental geologist by day, trying to do good, and do well at the same time. Occasionally it works out that way. My daughter and son are the same age as LL & ROC, and are also interesting people. Maybe the X-gen'ers will save the world yet. [Sudden thought; You Don't Think!? - naah, they wouldn't have an "X-er" sub-sub-sub text, would they?_].

When not drilling for garbage (sorry Lucy, but there is a lot more of that in the world than gold), I carry a sword and hang out with other members of my tribe - called by the English the `last primitive people of Europe' (see pic). That is probably another reason why I am attracted to XWP, in which a Celtic lass plays a Greek ass-kicker. You see, I know that Lucy is only portraying what her (and my) gene pool does best (by both sexes); fight.
Favorite episode: I have to say that the IDES OF MARCH showed me the depth, sensitivity, and strength of Rob Tapert's vision and artistry, and the girls really rose (no pun intended) to the challenge. Tapert is the Eminence-Gris of the whole operation, and LL & ROC obviously trust him - that is why the show works so well (I think, anyway).
Favorite line: Xena: "Sometimes the only thing you can say was `It was a Good Day of Fighting'" A GOOD DAY; Gabrielle: "Here, Bunny, Bunny, Bunny" IN SICKNESS AND IN HELL (Cheesh, if I had known they were going to do that Ep, I would have auditioned for the role of rabbit; what a hickey he got to give her!)
First episode seen: The Washington, D.C. area airs XWP on some schedule worked out in a joint Congressional committee, therefore it is SNAFU'ed big-time, and thus has nothing to do with the normal sequence of airing. After looking at the short-form Episode List from Whoosh, I think my first Ep was ADVENTURES IN THE SIN TRADE I, although it was not in the order shown. Anyway, I am new to the Xenaverse; be gentle with me, please.
Least favorite episode: I haven't seen it yet.

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