Whoosh! Issue 46 - July 2000

ARMAGEDDON TIRED OF CONQUERING
By Joanna Sandsmark
Content copyright © 2000 held by author
Edition copyright © 2000 held by Whoosh!
1883 words



INT. TENT. DAY

'Xena the Conqueror' is with a pretty little slave. One of her lieutenants, Thesaurus, is standing nearby, at attention.

THESAURUS
It is time, Your Depraved Repulsiveness.
XENA
Is it noon already? I've only killed four men, raped three slaves and beaten a child at tic tac toe half a dozen times by always taking the center square. Surely it can't be noon already. I have so much more to do!
THESAURUS
So sorry, Your Supreme Heinousness, but even as we speak, the sun hovers above our heads in an extremely noonish fashion.
Xena sighs, puts the slave she was raping into a drawer for later and straightens her raiment.
XENA
Do you like this new robe thing? I got it in Chin.
THESAURUS
It matches the azure, cobalt, cerulean, sapphire bluishness of your eyes, Your Gargantuan Pile of Vileness.
XENA
What a sweet thing to say, thank you. Go tell Hitlerus and Napoleonus to meet me at the podium. And get my scepter. I had it sent out to be dry-cleaned. Here's the ticket.
With a bow, Thesaurus takes the ticket and leaves to fulfill his duties.

Making sure that she is scowling in a most frightening fashion, Xena leaves her conquering tent to make the short walk to the center square.



EXT. CITY SQUARE - DAY

It's a beautiful day. The sun is indeed high above in a very noonish fashion, birds chirp, downtrodden peasants throw their bodies over puddles to keep her feet unsullied, and flowers bloom. Hitlerus runs up to keep pace, a vicious frown twisting his features, his small mustache nearly bristling.
HITLERUS
Rrrrr.
XENA
Hey, Sparky, how's it hanging?
Xena daintily shoves a peasant's face into the mud with her unsullied boot.
HITLERUS
Rrrrrr.
XENA
Frog in your throat?
Quickly, Hitlerus clears his throat. He speaks in a falsetto lisp.
HITLERUS
Oh Ssweetie, you ssimply have no idea how rough thiss day hass been! It'ss a wonder I'm not on my death bed! Kicky robe -- new?
XENA
From Chin.
HITLERUS
They're sso 'at one' with ssilk.
XENA
Lotta prisoners then?
HITLERUS
A veritable sslew! I never.
XENA
You poor, overworked despot.
HITLERUS
I found thosse freedom fighters you'd heard about. Big sswarm, all shouting about equality or rightss or ssome inanity.
XENA
Great. What did ya do with 'em?
HITLERUS
Drafted all the boyss, and put the girliess to death. Excsept their leader. She'ss for you!
XENA
How thoughtful. Let's go crucify a rebel!
Happily, Xena grabs her scepter from the hands of an approaching Thesaurus. Napoleonus, a short, dull-looking man, is at his heels. Xena stops, reaches behind a bunch of empty ale canisters and picks up a leafy gold hat. She shoves it on her head.
XENA
(cont'd)
Whaddaya think -- and be honest. Just ignore the fact that I can have you all put to death for an unflattering response.
HITLERUS
Fabulouss!
THESAURUS
Highlights your cheekbones, Your Hideous Eyesoreness.
Napoleonus claps. Xena smiles happily at the three men, adjusting the chapeau. Regally, she walks across the steps toward her throne, surveying the rabble with an Empress's eyes. Eyes that actually belong to her. And that sorta makes her an Empress now, doesn't it?
GUARD
(bare-chested and built)
Hail Xena!
XENA
(whispers to guard)
Hail me tonight, around duskish.
RABBLE
Hail Xena!
XENA
Ooh, good -- rabble! Where'd ya find them?
THESAURUS
Poteidaia, Your Loathsome felonious.
XENA
No way! The town with all the pinwheels?
THESAURUS
That's the one, Your Efficacious Malignancy.
Xena nods approvingly, making sure the sun glints off her leafy gold hat and into the eyes of the prisoners. It's one of those extra touches of villainy that goes unsung but adds to her Conquerous reputation.

Suddenly, a small woman with kinky blonde hair separates herself from the rabble.
GABRIELLE
I will NOT hail you!
XENA
She the one we're crucifying?
THESAURUS
Yes, Your Beastly Malfeasance. Name's Gabrielle of Poteidaia. She's a part-time bard and a full-time rouser.
XENA
A rouser. Of rabble?
HITLERUS
Yess. Isn't she divine? Look at thosse adorable shoulderss -- and thosse abss!
XENA
Down, boy, she's not your type.
Xena takes a long, leisurely look, a slow smile spreading across her lips. Rising gracefully, she makes sure to hold her scepter out and away from her so that her sleeve drapes provocatively.
XENA
(cont'd)
I really should have bought more of these robes when I was in Chin. Well, let your army do your walking, eh boys? Thesaurus, give my Mycenaean Express card to the fourth battalion and send'em to Chin.
THESAURUS
Yes, Your Odious Flatulence.
Xena eyes Thesaurus a moment, almost figuring that one out, then her attention returns to the blonde and she glides down the steps, approaching the young rabble rouser.
XENA
You sure you're a rouser? You seem so quiet and demure.
GABRIELLE
(in Xena's face, shouting at the top of her lungs)
Free the people! Make love not war! Where have all the flowers gone? War is bad for children and other living things!
XENA
My mistake.
GABRIELLE
Flower power! Hell no, we won't go! California dreaming! Surfin', USA! Help me, Rhonda!
Gabrielle looks around desperately. She frantically waves at an overweight brunette in the crowd.
GABRIELLE
(cont'd)
Rhonda, didn't you hear me? Help me!
RHONA
Are you kidding? That's Xena the Conqueror! In our world, Hercules was never born and therefore, she was never redeemed! Instead, she is a cruel and savage despot, ruler of the known world, and devoid of any heart or sense of morality.
GABRIELLE
What are you babbling about?
Xena opens her mouth to speak, but Gabrielle holds up one hand impatiently.
GABRIELLE
(cont'd)
(to XENA)
Just a sec, I'm in a discussion here.
(to Rhonda)
Go on.
XENA
Guard -- kill chunky brunette with the big mouth.
RHONDA
I'm no threat to you, Xena! I'm here solely for exposition, a bad Beach Boys' joke, and it's glandular, dangit! You are so mean!
(regains  her  composure)
May I finish now?
GABRIELLE
So help me, Rhonda...!
RHONDA
And now we have officially run that joke into the ground. Okay, where was I?
XENA
(helpfully)
Devoid of any heart.
RHONDA
Ah, right! Thanks. A cruel and savage despot, devoid of any heart, yadda yadda. And absolutely nothing -- barring perhaps a young blonde marked by the prophesied Abs of Redemption -- will ever have any affect on her! And where in all of Greece are we supposed to find a young blonde with redemptive abs?
Every eye in the square stares at Gabrielle's bare stomach.
GABRIELLE
What? That's not a sign of redemption, it's a mole.
XENA
On my breast I have a mole AND a scar!
GABRIELLE
You win.
XENA
I always do.
GABRIELLE
(remembering  her  job)
No! C'mon, rabble, fight this! Don't let her tame your restless hearts! Don't let her steal your relentless spirits! Defy the Conqueror!
XENA
Do it and die, ya worthless bunch of pissant peasants.
ONE  LINE  EXTRA
Sorry, Gabrielle, she has the better argument.
The rabble murmur in agreement, including Rhonda, who climbs into a little deuce coup and drives off, upset that her daddy took her T-bird away.
GABRIELLE
(has  no  support  and  knows  it)
Soooo, Xena, love the hat.
XENA
(primping)
Really? It's new. Not too pretentious?
GABRIELLE
For a conquering empress? Nah, downright subtle.
XENA
Thanks. For that I promise to break your legs.
GABRIELLE
You're new to this "reward the rabble rouser for the nice things she says" thing, aren't you?
XENA
No, I was referring to the crucifixion. If  I break your legs, you die faster. It's me being nice, promise.
GABRIELLE
Wow, hate to see your mean streak.
XENA
I'm dark. Dark and Evil. Dark and Evil and Despotic. Dark and Evil and Despotic and Warlordy. Dark and Evil and Despotic and Warlordy and a poor sport. Dark and evil and--
GABRIELLE
Got the picture.
XENA
And I'm allergic to carrots.
(off  Gabrielle's questioning look)
Just in case you wanted to really tick me off. Feed me carrots. Gives me a rash. I hate rashes. And radishes. Not allergic, they just give me gas.
GABRIELLE
As they do to so many of us. Okay, I'll go make your lunch. How about a nice boar on rye?
XENA
Don't forget the greens. I haven't been regular lately.
GABRIELLE
And we don't want that. No siree.
(whispers to guard)
How much more are we going to learn about her digestive system?
GUARD
She's into bathroom humor, so there's no telling.
GABRIELLE
Wonderful.
XENA
(realizing)
Wait a minute! You're not my cook, you're my 1pm crucifixion! I can't believe you almost let me forget.
GABRIELLE
I'm a minx.
XENA
You sure that's just a mole?
Finding herself mesmerized, Xena stares at the Abs of Redemption.
XENA
(cont'd)
They're just soo...
HITLERUS
Deliciouss?
THESAURUS
Putriferous?
NAPOLEONUS
I have no personality, so I'm going to sit this one out.
GUARD
At least you have a name, sir.
ONE  LINE  EXTRA
Yeah.
GUARD
Cheater! You were only supposed to have one line!
XENA
Stop it! I'll have you all killed just for taking up half a page!
Total silence from the three lieutenants.
XENA
(cont'd)
That's better. Okay, Gabrielle, you were about to mention the greater good, redemption, atonement, and gentle persuasion through the magnificence of your caring heart... followed by hot sex.
GABRIELLE
I was?
XENA
Yeah, let's wrap this up. I'm tired of typing.
GABRIELLE
Okee doke. Xena, I think you can be saved--
XENA
I've seen the light, changed the error of my ways, yadda yadda. Let's go take that little slave out of the drawer and have us some fun.
GABRIELLE
But, but--
XENA
I'm a woman of action. Once I make up my mind, that's it. Besides, that's one Hades of a redemptive mole ya got there, cute stuff.
GABRIELLE
I named it Hercules.
XENA
Huh?
GABRIELLE
Rhonda told me to say that. C'mon, you're reformed, no use hanging around.
XENA
(to rabble and her lieutenants)
You're all free to go! Buh-bye!
RABBLE
Bye Conqueror Xena!
HITLERUS
Sseeya Ssweet thingss!

XENA
Love and kisses, Hitlerus!
THESAURUS
Fare thee Well Your Munificent Ponderousness! I think I'll go write a book.
XENA
Name it after yourself, Thesaurus!
NAPOLEONUS
Bye.

Xena waves.

NAPOLEONUS
(waits a beat, to himself)
Ha! Got in the last word.
XENA
(quietly to guard)
Kill that third guy. He's trouble.
The guard nods as we:

FADE OUT.

THE END

 



Biography

Joanna Sandsmark Joanna Sandsmark
Joanna is a television writer and a member of the WGA, who wrote an issue of Wonder Woman for DC Comics, and is currently writing a novel set in feudal Japan. Occasionally, she does voice-over work, including an appearance in the cartoon Rugrats as a Swedish dog groomer.
Favorite episode: A DAY IN THE LIFE (39/215), THE DEBT 1&2 (52-53/306-307), and THE BITTER SUITE (58/312)
Favorite line: Xena: "Wow, would you look at that? Wonder what else is in these clothes; they're hand-me-downs, you know." DREAMWORKER (03/103). "Go home. There are thousands more like me." ONE AGAINST AN ARMY (59/313)
First episode seen: WARRIOR...PRINCESS (15/115)
Least favorite episode: THE QUILL IS MIGHTIER...(56/310)

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