Whoosh! Issue 49 - October 2000

By Teresita "Ruby" Rivera Redinger
Content copyright © 2000 held by author
Edition copyright © 2000 held by Whoosh!
19,278 words

Ways To Be An Annoying Sidekick (01)
Why Ares Should Be Xena's Sidekick (02)
Signs That It Is Winter (03)
Signs That Xena Is The President (04)
Signs That Gabrielle Is The President (05)
Place Names In The United States Of Amarice (06)
Reasons Xena Did Not Pay For Her Milk In ANIMAL ATTRACTION (07)
Signs XWP Is Ripping Off Star Trek (08)
Reasons Xena Should Command The Enterprise (09)
Xena: Voyager (10)
Things Xena Would Never Say (11)
Xena's Tax Tips (12)
Xena Toys (13)
Signs Xena Is A Republican (14)
Signs Xena Is Your Boss (15)
Rejected Disclaimers (16)
Other Kinds Of Subtext (17)
Signs You Are Doing Too Much XWP (18)
Yoda On XWP (19)
Reasons Xena Did Not Work Out As Batman's Sidekick (20)
Signs You Have A Xenasoft Operating System (21)
Signs You Are A Warlord Receiving First Aid From Xena (22)

Xena Lists, Volume One

[1] Ways to Be an Annoying Sidekick

Forced to eat grubs on her co-star salary, Renee becomes Lucy's body double for a time.

Sidekick goes Main Kick in THE GREATER GOOD.

  1. Write the surprise ending to a story for Xena at the top of the scroll.
  2. Leave tips in Greek inns with Ch'in currency.
  3. Keep talking lice as pets.
  4. Pout when Xena takes away your panpipes. Improvise by holding a blade of grass between both thumbs and blowing on it to produce a piercing shriek.
  5. Sculpt bushes around the campsite into anatomically suggestive shapes.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Fill the hot tub each evening and play with your "Athenian Navy".
  8. Wear black lipstick.
  9. Help Xena fight by sprinkling glitter in the ruffians' faces.
  10. Marry some guy from your hometown who smells like a barnyard.
  11. "Rap" everything Xena says.
  12. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce to Joxer and Amarice that this is so Xena won't swipe your grub.
  13. Abandon Xena on a whim and head off home again.
  14. Buy cheap scratchy Wal-Agora scrolls instead of the nice soft quilted scrolls that Xena prefers.
  15. "Holy Psycho-Barbie, Xena! Here comes Callisto! Whew, she's gone! Holy Chakrams, Xena! That was a close shave!"

[2] Why Ares Should Be Xena's Sidekick

  1. Unlike Gabby, if Ares got dragged behind Xena's horse and thrown off a cliff, he would just say, "THAT'S THE SPIRIT!!!"
  2. He can't get knocked up by Dahak. (The problem is keeping him out of Xena's bedroll and knocking HER up.)
  3. If Ares gets out of line, Xena can take away his godly sword, and he will be a powerless wimp.
  4. Gabby has never offered Xena her own army to RULE THE WORLD!!
  5. If Ares started traveling the countryside with Xena, Joxer wouldn't survive the first episode.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Fans of leather will go nuts if Ares teams up with Xena.
  8. If he said, "I love you, Xena," she would tell him to go over there behind the bushes and "Fondle His Ferret" so they could concentrate on the mission.
  9. If Xena and Ares shared a hot tub together, no self-righteous groups would get offended.
  10. If they replaced an episode where Xena and Gab share a bath together with one where all the Amazons were smacked down by Ares and carried off by men to become barefoot baby factories, that would make the self-righteous groups so happy they'd air the episode right after the Super Bowl.

[3] Signs That It's Winter

  1. Autolycus has his hands in his OWN pockets.
  2. The 3 naked Gabbys wish they weren't.
  3. Xena and Gabrielle go to Britannia just for the warm beer.
  4. Gabby's tongue gets frozen to Xena's ear.
  5. The chakram returns to Xena all iced over.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Ruffians beg Xena to do her fire-breathing trick.
  8. Amazons wearing sweaters and no bras have prominent... goose bumps.
  9. Gabrielle keeps reminiscing about her dive into a volcano.
  10. Joxer the "Mighty" reports shrinkage.

[4] Signs That Xena Is The President

  1. There are rumors that she wiped out the entire upper level management at her last place of employment, Amazon.com.
  2. The company grants her annual death leave.
  3. Important memos have corners torn off of them.
  4. When she become EEO coordinator, complaints fall to zero.
  5. Her cubicle is plastered with Gabrielle posters.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. During a strike, she orders Gabrielle to put the sick and the dead out on the picket line as well.
  8. She has never had to drive the chariot pool, because none of the other riders likes her idea of "flipping for it".
  9. Salted pork and elk's blood in the cafeteria refrigerator.
  10. When she discovers the copier set to 99 copies, extra dark, enlarge 200%, legal size paper, you hear booming drums and a Bulgarian women's chorus as she begins kicking b*tt.

[5] Signs That Gabrielle Is The President

  1. State dinners at the White House feature raw squid.
  2. When asked by reporters if she ever ate henbane-laced nutbread, she says she tried it but didn't swallow.
  3. She emerges from private "consultations" with Defense Secretary Xena to attend live press conferences sporting a glaring hickey.
  4. Xena causes a scandal when Gabrielle can't produce the missing 18 1/2 scrolls.
  5. The State of the Union speeches go on for three hours.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Xena kills Monica after she tries to seduce the President.
  8. Reading is Fundamental gets a big government grant.
  9. The White House Staff really is a staff.
  10. Pens used to sign bills are replaced with quills.
  11. You don't want to know where the cigars went.
  12. Medicine becomes Socialized (no more HMO's!).
  13. All females are mandated to become proficient in at least one martial art.
  14. Amazon Independence Day is declared.
  15. All property and family names are now descended through the mother.
  16. "Husband" and "Wife" become obsolete in favor using the term "Lifebonded" (and the gender of the couple becomes moot).

[6] Place Names in the United States Of Amarice

  1. Chakramento, Callistornia
  2. Draco, Joxas
  3. Gabstaff, Amazona
  4. Biljoxi, Missartifississippi
  5. F-Argo, North Kaltaka
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Hower Lake, Minyasota
  8. Fairhope, Gabbabama
  9. ROCk Falls, Illusianois
  10. Battle Ground, Aresiana

[7] Reasons Xena Didn't Pay For Her Milk in ANIMAL ATTRACTION (94/504)

Uh, Xena... that's bleach.

It takes guts to order milk in a tavern, but you can seem tougher by ordering it in a dirty mug.

  1. "My sidekick will pick up the bill."
  2. "I'm sorry, I don't have any pockets in this costume."
  3. "The parchment's in the mail."
  4. "Argo's Metal of Hephaestus shoes at five dinars each wiped out my last twenty."
  5. "The hot lava buried my Sumerian Treasure, so I can't get any more money."
  6. There is no number six.
  7. "Gabrielle spent our last 35 dinars on a jackass...and I don't mean Joxer!"
  8. "I'm tapped. The only kind of hire they're accepting in this town is 'that kind of hire'."
  9. "I've forgotten the PIN number on my Athens Express card."
  10. "Will you accept a dollop of ambrosia on account?"

[8] Signs XWP Is Ripping Off Star Trek

  1. Xena starts calling Gabrielle "Number One".
  2. Joxer gets accepted as a cadet at Sparta Fleet Academy.
  3. Salmoneus invents the very first "Rules of Acquisition".
  4. Xena's pressure point techniques now include a mind meld.
  5. Gabrielle starts saying, "He's dead, Xena."
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Argo isn't feeling well, so Xena runs a level one diagnostic.
  8. The Horde/Pomira ditch "Kaltaka" in favor of the slogan "Resistance is Futile".
  9. Just like Kirk, Xena fought a Greek god, and won.
  10. Before Gabrielle married Perdicus, Xena would "Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before".
  11. Xena starts telling Joxer and Gab to "Make it so".
  12. Xena orders Gabby to set a course for Troy, "Sparta Date 1187.4 BCE".
  13. Xena beats Lord Seltzer in a card game she makes up on the spot called "Fizz Bin".
  14. Hades tells Xena there is a problem with the "Elysian Field Flux".
  15. Xena jumps on Argo and says, "I need full gallop in thirty seconds or we're all dead!"
  16. Galen says, "I'm the chief priest of Aesculpius, not a doctor!"

[9] Reasons Xena Should Command The Enterprise

  1. Starfleet is long overdue for a return to miniskirts and knee-high boots.
  2. Xena would NEVER promote Joxer to acting ensign.
  3. Just like Kirk, Xena would have a girl on every planet.
  4. The name "Xena: Destroyer of Systems" would soon be hated throughout the quadrant.
  5. Her prime directive: "Take the planet!"
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Gabrielle would make a good communications officer.
  8. Joxer would be good as one of those security guys in a red shirt.
  9. If Q decides to show up, Xena always knows a few seconds before he materializes.
  10. No blonde psychopathic Romulan commander babes named Callisto would dare follow Xena into an asteroid belt with all those rocks...
  11. Xena could try her pinch on Data and see what happens.
  12. Gabrielle could become the Ship's Counselor since Troi and Riker resumed their romantic relationship in Star Trek: INSURRECTION (Jonathan Frakes, 1998).
  13. The words, "She's gonna blow Captain!" would take on a whole new meaning.
  14. Romulan Ale would make blue fire when Xena torched a Klingon.
  15. There would have been no Tribble trouble as they soon would have become a menu item being more preferable to eat than radishes and turnips.
  16. When they met Adonis on the Planet of Forgotten Gods, Xena would've kicked his *ss when he put the snatch on her ship.

[10] Xena: Voyager

  1. Janeway orders Xena to leave her chakram on "stun".
  2. Gabrielle dies. Ares restores her to life by calling up her transporter pattern still in the matter buffer from when he beamed her to the Kingdom of Ch'in.
  3. Voyager actually starts making up for lost time because whenever Janeway wants to stop and explore yet another cave planet, Xena says, "Been there, done that, stored supplies for my army there ten years ago".
  4. Gabrielle spends most of her time talking to a replicator.
  5. The actor who plays Ensign Kim wants off the show as soon as possible. The producers oblige by having him wed Gabrielle.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Interspecies subtext-Torres: "Oooo, where'dja learn THAT?" Xena: "I have--"Torres: "I know, I know, 'many skills.'"
  8. Gorgeous 7 of 9 threatens to assimilate smooth-talking Autolycus. He says, "Whip me, assimilate me!"
  9. Joxer dies but is recreated as a holodeck program that always shuts up and goes away when you tell him to.
  10. The ship finally reaches Earth. The catch: It's 850 B.C.E. and they've crashed 10,000 miles from home in the Delta Continent.
  11. B'Elanna sticks some Dilithium crystals up Argo's Jeffries tube.
  12. Holographic doctor heals Tuvok with a hollow reed.
  13. Chakotay and Xena are caught in a passionate clinch by a jealous Gabrielle and a jealous Janeway.

[11] Things Xena Would Never Say

  1. "There was one fish that got away, but it wasn't very big."
  2. "That ship is too far out, if I jumped I'd never make it."
  3. "Ares! You startled me!"
  4. "You can touch my horse again if you want to."
  5. "That man scares me, Gabrielle."
  6. "There is a number six."
  7. "Not tonight, Gabrielle, or YOU'LL have a headache!"
  8. "Face it, Gabs, Joxer's a stud!"
  9. "I can't read Gabrielle's scrolls. There are no pictures."
  10. "I'll never be able to hit that object with my chakram."
  11. "You were right, I was wrong."
  12. "I apologize."
  13. "I'm not sure this plan of mine will work."
  14. "Gab, does this outfit make me look fat?"
  15. "Gab, I don't want to do flips anymore because my breast might pop out."
  16. "Oh, no. I'm naked. I have to cover myself."
  17. "How about a card game of war?"
  18. "What do you say we play frisbee with my chakram and this new game I learned with Argo's horse-shoe?"
  19. "Of course, I'd be happy to let you raid the village."
  20. "No, really I only have ONE skill."
  21. "There were plenty of good leaves in the bush. I just used your scrolls to p*ss you off."
  22. "Joxer...I've always loved you."
  23. "I'm going to tell everyone that you're not blonde everywhere!"
  24. "Please, Gabrielle, no more-I'm worn out."

[12] Xena's Tax Tips

  1. Auditors are generally sympathetic about missing tax records if you tell them there were no good leaves available at the time.
  2. Tax records with corners ripped off-same story.
  3. A sidekick counts as a dependent.
  4. You can claim mighty warrior wannabes as sidekicks regardless of their real status as Amazons or their worth as a soldier or a chef.
  5. Up to 100 rolls of twin-ply parchment can be claimed as a business expense because they're for "taking care of business".
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Sacrificing your second horse and drinking its blood to facilitate entering the Amazon Land of the Dead must be claimed as either a totaled vehicle OR a dinner expense, not both.
  8. You can deduct time lost while stuck in Callisto's body as a medical expense.
  9. You can also deduct the cost of therapy after spending time in Autolycus' body.
  10. Do NOT check the "Yes, I want to be audited" box.
  11. Hot lava burying your Sumerian Treasure may be claimed as a business loss.
  12. Giving a 35-dinar mule to St. Joseph and the Blessed Virgin Mary counts as a religious non-profit gift.
  13. Working purely for the benefit of the "greater good" only counts for 70% of the income that would have been derived if it were for personal gain.
  14. Argo's oats, horseshoes, and grooming can be claimed under block 49: "Upkeep of a business vehicle".
  15. In order to prevent tax fraud (people deducting non-existent second horses) a second horse must have an actual name or its upkeep cannot be deducted.

[13] Xena Toys

  1. Holiday Aphrodite Dream Temple
  2. Lord Seltzer's SuperSoaker
  3. Hot Wheels Chariots of War
  4. Care Bards
  5. Crucifixion Action Play Set
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Stab Me Perdicus
  8. Mattel Subtext Barbie
  9. Hasbro G.I. Joxer
  10. Easy Bake Nutbread Oven
  11. Nerf Xena Breasts
  12. Attis "Spank & Speak" Monkey Boy
  13. Tickle Me There Gabrielle
  14. Kenner "Cat"-apult
  15. My First Saddlehorn

[14] Signs Xena is a Republican

  1. Her answer to Hillary's book IT TAKES A VILLAGE is TAKE THE VILLAGE!
  2. For tribes of aborigines she's got "nothing but bad news".
  3. Her stand on defense is "Kill 'em all!"
  4. She gave Solan up for adoption because she is pro-life.
  5. She let Callisto sink into quicksand because she is pro-death penalty.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. She tells Eli to stop healing people for free like a commie and pull himself up by his own bootstraps-and he's wearing sandals.
  8. She hails Ares, god of war, with the greeting, "Megadittos!"
  9. She interrupts one of Gabrielle's stories and accuses her of being "biased" by the "liberal media".
  10. When she introduces Gab she sometimes slips and says, "This is my tax credit-I mean my best friend-Gabrielle".

[15] Signs Xena Is Your Boss

  1. The job interview lasts less than 20 seconds, and you never forget the experience.
  2. A beautiful blonde secretary in a drab green sports bra takes dictation on a scroll.
  3. Your assigned cubicle still has a few drops of your predecessor's blood where they missed a spot.
  4. Your company makes little ceramic jugs that burst into flames when thrown.
  5. The title of the sexual harassment seminar is "Are You Suicidal?"
  6. There is no number six.
  7. The total quality slogan is, "Don't Be Sorry, Just Improve".
  8. The motivational slogan is, "Kill 'Em All!"
  9. Reserved executive horse stalls.
  10. It's the only workplace in the world with pinups of the boss.
  11. There are no days off.
  12. Your supervisor is as alert at 5 a.m. as in the middle of the night.
  13. Instead of pencil-sharpeners there are sharpening stones.
  14. The company picnic is always by a lake or a river that has a great variety of fish.

[16] Rejected Disclaimers

  1. No major historical event was faithfully reproduced in the course of making this episode.
  2. No writers were disemboweled by frustrated fans at the end of this episode.
  3. No plot ideas were stolen from online fan fiction in the production of this motion picture.
  4. No bizarre changes of costume, hairstyle, or fighting technique occurred in this episode.
  5. Efforts by Miss O'Connor's agent to give Gabrielle a "Rachel" hair cut were successfully fended off.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Due to an unfortunate oversight Xena and Gabrielle managed to be cheerful throughout the entire episode.
  8. This episode of Xena: Warrior Princess was brought to you by the number "6" and the letters "B" and "W".
  9. No faithful equine companion appeared in this episode, but this was another episode featuring that horse's *ss, Joxer.
  10. Unfortunately one cedar tree gave its life to provide the lumber for Xena and Gabrielle's crucifixion.
  11. No uncharacteristic behavior or actions were forced upon Xena or Gabrielle during the making of this motion picture.
  12. No physical ailment incurred by one of the actors was written into the story at the last minute.
  13. No explanation is ever given how Xena and Gabrielle can get through all the action depicted without smudging their make-up.
  14. We're going to be apologizing for THE WAY (84/416) for the rest of our collective lives.
  15. Callisto will not return to the show after what we did to her in this episode ...Promise ...Really ...Well ... We'll see how we did in the ratings, okay?
  16. Does she or doesn't she? Only her hairdresser knows for sure.

[17] Other Kinds Of Subtext

  1. CHUBTEXT: carefully examining new episodes to see if Lucy or Renee have put on any weight.
  2. SCRUBTEXT: hot tub scenes. Note: A synonym for the SCRUBTEXT could be TUBTEXT and THUDTEXT.
  3. SNUBTEXT: the theory that Gabrielle is merely playing hard-to-get with Joxer.
  4. PUBTEXT: hints that Xena is developing into an alcoholic.
  5. DUBTEXT: accusations that Gabrielle was overdubbed by a professional soprano in THE BITTER SUITE (58/312).
  6. There is no number six.
  7. PRETEXT: Scenes hinting that Xena may have had a lady-love before meeting Gabrielle.
  8. OVERSEXT: Scenes of Xena & Gabrielle where they appear to be exhausted from last night.
  9. PERPLEXT: Scenes deliberately put in to throw the audience off the trail of subtext (Gabrielle marrying Perdicus, for example).
  10. LATEXT: Scenes filmed on a tight budget, where you can see the monster is really just a man in a rubber suit.
  11. SOBTEXT: An episode that leaves not an eye unstreaked by Maybelline in the house.
  12. STUDTEXT: scenes which celebrate the masculinizing influence of Joxer on XWP.
  13. FLUBTEXT: messed up scenes or lines that weren't left on the cutting room floor.
  14. DUDTEXT: early signs the episode is going to be a stinker.
  15. MUDTEXT: Fifth & sixth season Xena & Gabrielle mud-wrestling scenes.
  16. FUDD-TEXT: "Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbit! Hahahahahaha!" Example of this: Gabrielle's notorious wrestling scene with the bunny in IN SICKNESS AND IN HELL (72/404) ((c) 1999 Pwiestess Leah. All Wights Weserwved.)
  17. HUBTEXT: (a distant cousin of the PREPLEXT), can be spotted in THE RETURN OF CALLISTO (29/205).
  18. JABTEXT: can always be viewed on this show.
  19. NAGTEXT: relevant mostly to the first season Gabrielle.
  20. WEBTEXT: the overanalyzing of the show by die hard fans with an I.V. to the net.

[18] Signs You Are Doing Too Much XWP

Precursor to the 'real doll'

Seems like everyone has a standee.

  1. At twelve-step recovery meetings you don't show up for number six.
  2. X-Philes shake their head when they walk passed you.
  3. Ares is beginning to make sense.
  4. You promise the doctor you'll go cold turkey but smile because you know Lucy Lawless has a cameo on tonight's episode of FRIENDS.
  5. You post a 183K dissertation about Ares' facial hair.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Your job is beginning to have a negative impact on your Xenaism.
  8. You stock your car's first aid kit with a hollow reed for emergency tracheotomies.
  9. You've fallen and you can't get up...from the couch in front of the TV.
  10. You think...24 hours in a day, 24 first season episodes on tape...coincidence?

[19] Yoda On XWP

  1. No, improve or improve not, there is no sorry.
  2. Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A bard craves not these things!
  3. Nice, you must be.
  4. A long time have I watched Joxer. Always he has looked away, to the skies. Never his eyes on where he was walking? Hmm? What he was doing? Hmmm! You are clumsy!
  5. How stay you so slim eating food of this amount?
  6. A number six there not is.
  7. For 900 years have I trained bards in the ways of the Horse! Eli we need not.
  8. Your father Ares is.
  9. Is Meg stronger than Xena? No. Easier. Quicker. More seductive.
  10. A great warrior princess? Oh! Heh heh! Oh! Heh heh. Wars not make one great!
  11. Always in motion, history and mythology, and the laws of physics.

[20] Reasons Xena Didn't Work Out As Batman's Sidekick

  1. She's too butch and refused to wear tights.
  2. She insisted on cluttering up the Bat Cave with supplies for her army.
  3. She thought the Bat Mobile stick shift was her own personal saddlehorn.
  4. Batman got jealous when she was seduced by Catwoman.
  5. Batman got jealous when she seduced Batgirl.
  6. There is no number six.
  7. She killed the Joker, the Penguin, and the Riddler, threatening to work Batman out of a job.
  8. She got addicted to going down the Bat Pole.
  9. Too many snickers at her cover story of being "Melinda Pappas", Bruce Wayne's mild-mannered live-in masseuse.
  10. She refused to call her chakram the "Bat Chakram".

[21] Signs You Have a XenaSoft Operating System

  1. If your files are corrupt you get Eros messages.
  2. The new Internet browser is "Dreamscape 4.0".
  3. Competitors CallistoSystems and VelascaWare are burned by Xena's proprietary version of Lava Script.
  4. The screen saver features three naked dancing Gabbys.
  5. Files are deleted by pulling down a menu and selecting "Kill 'em All!"
  6. There is no version 6.0.
  7. After finding out Xena lied about not killing Ming T'ien, Gabrielle initiates an anti-trust lawsuit.
  8. EDLIN is brought back, renamed JOXER, and you can't delete it.
  9. The operating system refuses to download a Trojan horse.
  10. All upgrades atone for the evil of the previous version.

[22] Signs You Are A Warlord Receiving First Aid From Xena

  1. Xena says, "It was a real nasty bruise, I had to amputate."
  2. She uses her breast dagger and a turkey baster to take a blood sample.
  3. Xena says, "Did you sleep well Mr., or should I say, Miss Ruffian?"
  4. She wraps the blood pressure cuff around your neck.
  5. Gabrielle says, "Waitaminute Xena, if that is his spleen, what's this?"
  6. There is no number six.
  7. Xena says, "Look at it this way, now your highest note is 'Ti'."
  8. Xena says, "No, Gabrielle, I don't know what it is but pack it in ice anyway."
  9. Xena says, "Whatdja say? Who's on the other bedroll you ask? Actually that's also you."
  10. Xena says, "Accept this sacrifice, Dahak, O Great Lord of Darkness."
  11. Xena says, "Gabrielle, hand me that...uh...that uh... thingie."
  12. "Hey Gabby, unzip the body parchment on that one, he's still moving."
  13. Xena says, "I'm sorry, I had to give you a local anaesthetic, can't get the imported stuff."
  14. Gabby says, "Did you know he would look like that afterward Xena?"
  15. "Gabby, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great ER episode."


If you enjoyed these lists there are more at Rudy Redinger's home page.


Teresita Teresita "Ruby" Rivera Redinger
A woman of mystery
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