UNEXPECTED TURBULENCE:
LUCY LAWLESS IN BURBANK
By Michael Evans-Layng (mevanslayng@ucsd.edu)
Content © 1997 held by author
WHOOSH! edition © 1997 held by Whoosh!
4763 words

I should have fastened my seatbelt tighter; the Xena Convention (January 12, 1997) was a bumpier ride than I had expected. For a year now Lucy Lawless, both as a professional playing Xena and just as a person, has frequently struck very deep emotional and intellectual chords in me that have often taken me by surprise, sometimes left me puzzled and, occasionally, even troubled. So, I was expecting to feel my heart pounding before she came out on the stage, to feel an adrenaline rush that might even leave me feeling a little dizzy or sick afterwards, to bask in her warmth and humor and the fellowship of a couple of thousand other Xenites, and even to experience a real letdown after it was all over. The convention met those expectations in a big way. But I was not expecting the event to trigger strong envy, regret, and such intense longing to be among Lucy's personal friends...to be her lover...even to BE HER.

Photo courtesy of Catherine M. Wilson

Now that the ride is over and I am back to my truly good everyday life as husband, father, professional, and still-growing man, I think I can give you a report of my bumpy ride. What follows are some vignettes from Lucy's appearances interspersed with my reactions and reflections. If you are not in the mood for some pretty frank introspection, please feel free to come back when you are.

Photo courtesy of Debbie Cassetta

There have been times watching XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS when Lucy's beauty has so struck and captivated me (just noticed the warrior metaphors there myself!) that I found myself shaking my head in wonder at her impact. Her beauty has NEVER, for me, been merely a matter of her physical attributes; there has always been something more that energizes that face and body in an electrifying way. That "something more" is hard to pin down, but her fierce intelligence, passion, her ability to communicate a full range of emotions with such economy, such incisiveness....

Photo courtesy of Catherine M. Wilson

I have used all those ideas have to try to explain to myself and others why I find her so magnetic. As interviews started to appear from time to time, I found that I was equally attracted to her as a down-to-earth, funny, and articulate parent and professional. But none of that really prepared me for the fact that Lucy's even more beautiful, even in that larger sense, in person than on-screen.

Photo courtesy of Debbie Cassetta

She bounded out onto the stage wearing an outfit that I found immediately and startlingly svelte and sexy: blue spandex pants (pretty close to the color of her eyes), a matching blue sleeveless spandex top, high heels (black with bright red toes), a simple necklace and earrings with hints of matching blue, two simple gold bracelets on her left forearm, and this huge gaudy blue and white costume jewelry ring that she had received as a gift a couple of days earlier. She is in, well, really FINE shape.

It has been interesting to me that I have not entertained more sexual fantasies about Lucy than I have, especially given the deep attraction to her I often feel. Having seen her in person now, I think I know partly why: my circuits are simply overwhelmed... I am struck dumb, speechless... left LIMP (not a useful condition for lovemaking, real OR imagined). But it is not just a matter of an overpowering beauty, there is an interaction here as well with a feeling of inferiority.

Who am I, after all -- a middle-aged drudge working away in the administration of a university -- to contemplate even in my dreams making love with someone of Lucy's stature and quality? Whoa! Wait a minute here; so where does this leave my wife, to whom I have been married for over 20 years? Is she NOT beautiful in the sense I have ascribed to Lucy? Well, actually, she is. But Lucy, as an entity of the media -- no less so, really, at the convention even without a TV set as an intermediary -- is literally part of a different world, a separate world of bright lights and fame that can seem ineffable, unobtainable, and, somehow, BETTER. If it is better, and I am not there, it is probably because I am not worthy -- or so the emotional syllogism would have me conclude. This is when envy of Rob Tapert reared its head; the potent producer, the man who commanded that those lights shine on Lucy, who illuminated her for us to see from a distance, the man who had won her heart and access to her mind and body...

But feelings of astonishment and unworthiness do not account entirely for the relatively platonic -- yet very intense -- internal relationship I have developed with my image of Lucy. The degree to which she has preserved her private life has something to do with it as well. I suppose this could be a sign of waning hormones, but I choose to see it instead as a sign of maturity; namely, a beautiful body by itself does not do it for me anymore (usually). Real intimacy, which requires history and mutual knowledge, now plays a key role in my sexuality as well -- and I enjoy no REAL intimacy with Lucy (sigh). And I never will (BIG sigh).

Photo courtesy of Catherine M. Wilson

She gave us a few orders. The first was, "Say 'Exxxcellent!' (with a BIG GRIN)" which we did. Reveling in her "power" she then said, "Say 'Ssssplendid!'" which we all did. Then it was "when things aren't going quite right, say, (BIG GRIN) 'Exxxcrement!'" which we all did while laughing. She said these were words they often used on the set.

Yes! Lucy, I am yours to command! All in good fun, of course. But I also have this strong sense that if I ever got a call from her asking me to drop everything and come on down to New Zealand to help her out with "whatever" that I WOULD DO IT. Now, there are actually very few people in the world whom I grant the power to prompt that kind of action from me; my wife, my kids, my mother and sisters, my in-laws, some of the lifelong friends I made in college...maybe the President, should he ever call...Not a long list, in all. So why would Lucy Lawless be on it?

Perhaps because if she were to summon me to that supposedly better world I mentioned earlier, it would signify my worthiness, it would silence the voices that whisper their corrosive message, "You do not deserve the attention of someone like her." But only partly. She is on my list also because of what I have seen of her in the interviews she has given in print and on TV; she has gotten across that she is, after all, a real human being who gets tired, hurt, overwhelmed...someone who just plain needs help from time to time -- a kind of help I give often to my family and friends. That is, she has projected her personality, intellect, shortcomings -- her humanity -- in such a way as to bridge that gap between the two worlds, inspiring a kind of trust that, if she ever did call upon me for help, it would be because she really needed it. I am not, however, going to sit waiting by the telephone for Lucy to call.

Photo courtesy of Catherine M. Wilson

She gave her war cry and talked about it a bit. She called it a "bastardized" version of a ululation, that middle eastern women use in a variety of contexts. She said that the syllables she says are actually NOT "YiYiYi" but that "Since you don't seem to know I won't tell you so as to preserve my MYSTIQUE (said with a toss of her head and VERY mischievous flourish)."

Someone asked her "Do you have any secrets from your personal life you'd like to share with us?" Quickly and firmly, "Absolutely not." A fairly long pause and some pacing -- with everyone wondering if she was going to leave it there -- and then a shrug and,"Well, there's your answer." No rancor and testiness, just matter-of-fact.

Photo courtesy of Catherine M. Wilson

I laughed at the "Since you don't seem to know..." line at first, mainly because of her delivery, but then felt a just little put off by its kind of "nyah nyah" quality. Ultimately, though, I fell back once again into admiration for her spunk and directness about preserving her privacy, especially with her firm "Absolutely not." But neither response really decreased my curiosity about her one iota.

Some phrases become cliches because they are true, or true at least in essence. "Knowledge is power" is one of those truths, I think, and power, specifically the power to influence or even control, is at the heart of why Lucy wants to preserve her "mystique," to maintain a wall around her privacy, to keep a tight rein on what we know about her. And, in all honesty, influence is why part of me wants to scale or breach that wall. She intends to keep as much control over her life as possible, and protecting her privacy is a key strategy for her in that effort.

On an intellectual level, I do not begrudge her that control for a second -- especially since a fairly major portion of her professional life grows or diminishes as a function of OUR FEELINGS about her; and crowd sentiment is notoriously fickle. But, because she has had such an emotional impact on me as an individual, this kind of broad, indirect exercise of power as a member of a multitude is not ultimately satisfying for me; I want to influence her directly as an individual, too. Since that is not possible, the sense of power that comes with personal knowledge becomes even more enticing.

So, does this mean that if I lived nearby I would spy on her? Aaacck, No! Would I buy an ENQUIRER that promised an intimate expose? I really hope I could resist the temptation. Why? R-E-S-P-E-C-T, for myself, my family, AND for Lucy. But the desire to know about her, even to know her (yes, yes, in THAT way too), is still there.

Photo courtesy of Catherine M. Wilson

She sang a bit a couple of times, "Deep in the heart of Texas" (we all joined in), and "I've got a loverly bunch of coconuts." These were significant in the context of the bloopers reel shown earlier where she and Renee had sung "Texas" in full bacchae makeup [from GIRLS JUST WANT TO BE FUN #28) and Lucy sang "coconuts" while hanging from a cross being crucified (VERY Monty Pythonesque)(from DESTINY #36). Periodically throughout her session she would slyly say "I feel a song coming on..." -- but she was just teasing.

I really enjoyed this kind of clowning around, where I was able just to let myself be entertained by her. There was a kind of freedom in that, in saying to myself, "Okay, Lucy, ya got me." But teasing is not something I usually enjoy, probably because it involves the withholding of something I want and am expecting to get. So why was Lucy's teasing fun?

Photo courtesy of Debbie Cassetta

With her being up on the stage in the spotlight, it was pretty clear that she was of that other world, so "expectations" for receiving a number of things you could say I wanted from her were actually pretty low. With the expectations low, there was no real sense of violation from the teasing. Now let me be clear, that I am not saying that I did not expect to be entertained. Quite the contrary. I just was not expecting her to give me everything I wanted.

She commented as young boy asked his question that she thought it was "just great" that boys could get excited about a women hero without her gender being an issue for them (applause).

To me, this response illustrated nicely the extent to which Lucy has embraced the fact that Xena is an inspiring, heroic character. I was sad, early on in Xena's first season, when I read that Lucy rejected out-of-hand the idea of being a "role model." I even posted a few thoughts when the Netforum was first getting going along the lines of "Too bad, lady, you are a role model whether you like it or not." I think it says a lot about her growth as a person that she is finally become comfortable and even honored by people looking up to Xena, and to her, the way we do. But, thankfully, Lucy does not feel such responsibility to maintain Xena's image that she completely sacrifices being "real" and down-to-earth with us for the sake of that image. This is a big advantage for Lucy of Xena being presented as a flawed character. In the blurring of the line between actor and role that tends to occur, at least there is no temptation to demand on an emotional level that Lucy be an angel because Xena is one.

Someone asked her if she liked children and she said "Yes, I love them because they are so honest. If they like the show, they tell you the truth; if they do not like the show, they tell you that as well!"

My immediate thought upon hearing the first part of her answer was "Is she really a parent of a human child? She certainly does not know my kids at any rate." I mean, I lied as a kid, and I know my kids do, too, because I catch them at it now and again. Kids being honest? What kind of sentimental treacle is that? But then she gave the example of the willingness of kids to share their preferences without regard for other people's feelings and I knew that she was in contact with reality. If it is one thing that kids tend to be oblivious to when it comes to sharing their opinions it is the feelings of others. I think, as adults, we sometimes get so caught up in making calculations about the impact of our words on others, making the truth -- or our perception of it, anyway -- take a back seat so often to emotional or political considerations, that the propensity of kids to just "speak their minds regardless" really is refreshing and, yes, even endearing (usually when we are not the one on the receiving end of a negative review). As a parent I dread the day that my kids start taking my feelings so much into account that they will not level with me, and there are signs that this is already happening when they will not tell me about something because they are afraid it will upset me. Knowledge and power...knowledge and power...

Photo courtesy of Catherine M. Wilson

Someone asked her who her favorite actress is and she replied without hesitation, "Susan Sarandon." She went on to say that a great actor has to have an almost physical pull on you (gesturing toward her sternum), has to have something you WANT to have. Sarandon has it, and she mentioned Helen Mirren as well.

Seemed to me that this was also a pretty decent description of the impact Lucy has on me! I do not remember having such a consistently visceral reaction to an actor or show, EVER -- maybe to a particular movie, or a scene in a TV show, but not to a TV series, for Zeus's sake!

Lucy has said in interviews that, while she thinks of Xena mainly as a "hoot," one of her goals is to move people somehow in every show, and I think she succeeds. On the other hand, I truly appreciate the fact that Lucy does not consider herself in the same league yet as someone like Sarandon or Mirren, and I do not think it is a false or misplaced humility. Her standards are very high, and she does not seem inclined at this point just to ride along on the crest of her fans' adoration (and I am certainly right in there fawning with the best of em). I imagine that keeping her perspective on her talent and craft presents her with perhaps her most formidable professional challenge, but I hope for her own sense of growth and satisfaction, and for our own sense of enjoyment as her fans over the years, that she can continue to keep her feet on the ground in this regard.

She told the story of how she got the part in a pretty abbreviated way, but added this time (after FINALLY capitulating to audience prompting) that the original actress who got sick is Vanessa Angel, who now has HER own series (WEIRD SCIENCE), so she ended up happy. As for the five actresses who successively turned down the role, Lucy could only say they were "probably kicking themselves" and (with great fervor) "THANK YOU!"

Photo courtesy of Catherine M. Wilson

In response to "Even though you seem to have it all, did you make any New Years resolutions?". Her answer was "Well, if there's no trouble, I'm not going to go looking for it". To which she added that, for a "long time," she had been in something of a "frenzy" about pursuing her career, but that one of her goals was to relax a bit and really enjoy where she was in terms of her career and life in general (she did not lean on the cliche "take time to stop and smell the roses" but that was the general idea).

It was the "have it all" comment that really grabbed me by the throat here, not so much because Lucy does, in fact, "have it all," nor because I do not (especially since, by most people's standards, I probably do, more or less). What got to me are the "might have beens" for myself that are implicit in making such an observation about someone else. Lucy has made quite a point on several occasions about having a "fire in the belly" about acting and about the dedication with which she has pursued her dream, and she certainly encourages others to pursue theirs. So the question slammed home for me: "Have I followed my dreams?" And the answer is ... "No."

It is purely coincidental that some of my early "dreams," such as they were, had to do with acting as well, and it was that coincidence that fueled the intense envy I felt for the admiration and adoration that Lucy was receiving from us. Not that Lucy can take ALL the credit for making it to Burbank; after all, it took one sick actress and five blessedly short-sighted or ill-advised ones for her to be given the chance to play Xena. But, luck aside, she did follow her dream, and if she had not she would not have been in Burbank holding center stage at a Xena Convention. So there was some pain that accompanied my sincere celebration of Lucy's success as I wondered "What might have been FOR ME if I had followed my dreams?" Fortunately for me (there is luck, again) this kind of poisonous introspection has no better antidote than being leapt upon by two kids, a puppy, and a wife, and after driving home from Burbank alone in the rain I received this antidote the moment I walked in the door.

Someone asked her if playing such a masculine sort of character as Xena actually helped enhance her own femininity in a paradoxical sort of way. She paused and, after commenting that it was an interesting question, said that she had actually struggled for a long time to get in touch with her femininity (and alluded here to having six brothers as being a big factor in that) but that she was certainly much more comfortable with her femininity these days--else she would have appeared in "jeans or dungarees" rather than what she had on.

Asked about what she thought Xena's best feature was, Lucy paused a moment and said something to the effect that Xena was a complete package, a whole woman, who certainly did not see her femininity as any sort of handicap (loud cheers).

In some ways, it is tempting "as a man" simply to make the observation and comment that Lucy is definitely NOT ashamed of her body -- thank Zeus! -- nor should she be, and leave it at that. But that would be selling us both short. Some of Lucy's ability to play Xena stems from the masculinity that she acquired to survive and thrive in the masculine culture of her immediate family. Lucy's combination of the masculine and feminine as a person, and her ability to transmit that so effectively through the character of Xena, is precisely one of her greatest strengths as an actor in that particular role and also one of the strengths of the show as a whole.

Intellectualizing aside, it was at this point that I found an odd yearning actually to BE LUCY, to possess and relish in that powerful sexual and emotional impact on people. This vague wish, once I became aware of it, really struck me as curious. After turning it over in my mind a bit I let it drift away, concluding that it was related somehow to the regrets and envy I mentioned earlier, and which I also finally let go.

I know that some men -- maybe even most? -- are put-off by Xena, and women can be too. I suspect that comes mainly from discomfort with that combination of masculinity and femininity in Xena. For men, her masculinity can feel like an outright challenge (Arrgghh!), or, because they are simultaneously attracted to her femininity, they experience some sort of deep, confusing worry about being gay since they cannot isolate her masculinity from her body. When it comes to this kind of fretting I will be grateful eternally to the minister who said to me in college, "Men who haven't faced and embraced their attraction to other men really haven't come to terms with their themselves or their sexuality." Amen, brother. For women, I think the masculinity can be off-putting simply because it might seem incongruous, or, as with men, because of discomfort with being somehow attracted to another woman. One of the reasons that I am proud to be a Xenite and a fan of Lucy is because of this gender mixing and the challenge to our thinking and feeling that it presents. Battle on, Xena! Right on, Lucy!

She said that she wanted to share an opinion with us that was "just hers," but which she really wanted us to know. Namely, that she really wanted us to be more welcoming of Ted Raimi/Joxer, since he was a great colleague, really added to the show, and was absolutely hilarious in general.

Call this Lucy's "maternal instinct." I am glad to know that she likes working with Ted, but she did not change my opinion that the character of Joxer has been more of a bane than a boon to the show. Besides, I thought we actually gave him a pretty warm welcome -- especially in light of what he apparently expected to receive. This is not to say that I have not laughed occasionally at Joxer, but then my favorite Joxer scene by far is where, in INTIMATE STRANGER (#31), Xena "lowers" him rather, um, abruptly, onto the floor (I thought it was interesting that this was Ted's favorite scene, too). But, on the whole, I think there has been too much of him and, for the life of me, I have not been able to ignore the cloud of nepotism that hangs over Joxer.

In response to a compliment from a young lady from an "all girls" school to the effect that they all loved Xena but that men were held in generally low regard at the school, Lucy said she hoped they would "get over" the "anti-male bit" quickly since men constituted half the human race; but she was also glad to hear that they found Xena inspiring.

Photo courtesy of Catherine M. Wilson

My eyebrows went up a bit at the directness and strength of Lucy's response to the young lady's aside about men, but I admired her willingness to express an opinion on what can be a very touchy subject for men and women alike. I think there may have been a hint in her response as well of Lucy-the-mom. As a man myself, I admit that I felt a kind of Sally Fields-ish sort of encouragement at Lucy's defense -- she likes me! -- but as a man who has a lot a background in history, I can understand why the girls at that school feel they way they do. It is a tough complex of issues and feelings, and I am glad Xena, and Lucy, are willing to stir the pot.

She reported that the show's debut in NZ really had not changed her life "as much as you might think." She works from very early in the morning to early evening 5 days a week and, come the weekend, is more interested in hanging around her house and with Daisy than, say, in going shopping.

This is a minor point, but I was a bit puzzled by this statement at first since it seemed to contradict other things she has said, rather wistfully I thought, about her anonymity being gone, saying "It's all over now, baby blue." But both perspectives can be true simultaneously, it just depends upon your, well, perspective. Her life now that she has a certain amount of fame certainly is different when she is out and about compared to when she could do business in downtown Auckland in her Xena regalia and be able to pass herself off as an "exotic dancer." Yup, that is gone for good. But that she does not go out in public as often as before, and therefore is not exposed all that frequently to people's gawking and intrusions, also makes perfect sense given the long hours she keeps on the set and her devotion to Daisy and the enjoyment she derives from working on her home.

To everyone's delight, Lucy did a lot of "eyebrow arching" from all sorts of different spots on the stage. The convention context of this, which added to the humor, was a remark the show's editor [Robert Field] had made earlier to the effect that he had seen enough of Lucy's arched eyebrow to "last him a lifetime."

It is hard for me to imagine ever getting tired of Lucy's face, arched eyebrow or no. To me, the editor's statement serves as a great example of one of the costs of professionalism: what is wonderful and extraordinary to many becomes bland and ordinary to you. It has to, in order for you to have enough emotional distance from your task to continue to do what you have to do. In some ways, the editor's crack helped temper my envy, at least a little bit; as a fan, I have more options in terms of modulating my exposure to Lucy than if I was a professional with the show who had to deal with her, or her image, constantly -- or else find another job.

---

So, in all, I ended up at the end of the turbulence an even bigger fan than before, partly because Lucy is extraordinarily entertaining and winning in person, and partly because of the deep feelings and thoughts I had to work through as a result of going to the convention. Although I have struggled with many of the thoughts and feelings, I have to admit that it is a challenge that I enjoy.

But there is more to it than enjoyment, there are also elements of surviving and thriving to acknowledge here; namely, that it is in grappling with the kinds of issues and feelings the show, Lucy's interviews, and now the convention raise in me that I gain a certain robustness, depth, and, yes, even a guarded optimism as I address myself to living my own life. Xena and Lucy certainly are not the only sources of this kind stimulation in my life, and I can not say they are even essential sources. But I can say that I am immensely glad and thankful for that night I was channel surfing and was snared first by the image of Xena riding Argo along the beach and then...by that smile...and then, by everything else.