Whoosh! Issue 50 - November 2000

By Laura Sue Dean
50th Issue Project
Content copyright © 2000 held by author
Edition copyright © 2000 held by Whoosh!
2301 words

Introduction (01-02)
Waking Up (03-04)
Finding Your Way (05)
Making Decisions (06)
A Call From Nature (07)
Giving Directions (08-11)
Practice Makes Perfect (12-15)
Trail And Error (16-19)
Waiting For Gareth (20-21)
Going To Bed (22-23)

A Day in the Life of a Gossip Queen


How they choose who gets the remote control at the Taborn house.

Editor-in-Chief, Kym Taborn, with a whip and terrorizing innocent bystanders at the 2000 Pasadena Convention. Laura Sue hopes they got their papers in on time.

[1] After much harassment by the overbearing editor-in-chief, Laura Sue has agreed to do something literary and article-like for the really big 50th issue of WHOOSH. Now, some of you may think that Laura Sue is not up to the challenge of appearing in such a scholarly and sophisticated academic (clearing throat) journal instead of just pounding out little tidbits of fluff in the News, Gossip, and Rumors section. Laura Sue has broken out her 12th grade English handbook along with a copy of "How to Write in a Scholarly and Sophisticated Way for Idiots" and will soon amaze you with Laura Sue's grasp on metaphor and simile and (flipping pages) gerunds and (flip, flip, flip) appositive phrases. Yeah, baby...that's the stuff!

[2] Many people have told Laura Sue that they are simply fascinated by Laura Sue's personal life (otherwise why would Laura Sue get so much mail on the subject?) Laura Sue gets endless questions about where she lives, her natural hair color, who she's currently dating, how does she gets her information, and just WHY does Laura Sue have to speak in annoying third person! Well...Laura Sue, er...I thought that I would just EXPOSE myself right here (NOT!) in glorious issue number 50 with a TELL ALL rundown of a typical day for WHOOSH's long suffering gossip queen.

Waking Up

I told him his new look made him look like Trotsky -- but does he listen to Laura Sue???

Charlie Sheen, what a saint!

[3] Scene: The bedroom of Laura Sue's pool house bungalow on Charlie Sheen's Malibu Estate. Time: 9:00 AM

[4] Hazy (okay, smog ridden) rays of sunshine filter through the seafoam green levelors, striking the attractive blonde stretched out on the Ralph Lauren coordinated sheets. She opens one eye, and fumbles for a padded eyemask, secures it over her bleary aqua green eyes (which...amazingly...match the decor) and goes back to sleep.

Finding Your Way

[5] Three hours later, Laura Sue is jarred awake by the bleating of her cell phone. Always ready to hear gossip or jot down the address of an audition, she answers the call without removing her eye mask. It's Kym Taborn, calling to remind her to write the 50th issue article again. Before Laura Sue can throw the phone across the room and stomp on it, another call comes in. It's her agent, Stanley, with a hot lead on a shampoo commercial audition. Laura Sue leaps (okay, rolls) out of bed and heads for the shower plowing straight into a wall in the process. Removing her eyemask, she crawls into the bathroom gingerly, and climbs into the bath.

Making Decisions

The Palace has a 60's moment

A Laura Sue moment at the Xena Palace

[6] After spending the most minimal amount of time on hair and makeup, Laura Sue rustles through her wardrobe (which is strategically kept in piles all over the floor for fast access). After several outfit combinations (black spandex: too tough; cutoffs and a midriff tank top: too hick; Ann Taylor suit: too Betsy Book), she locates her favorite pair of hot pink leather jeans, a floral halter top, and a pair of festive artificial daisy-festooned platforms. She looks young, fresh, and definitely someone who uses shampoo a LOT. So much so, that her normally shiny, NATURALLY blonde hair (shade of blonde withheld) could use a little lift at the Aveda Salon on N. Cahuenga Blvd.

A Call From Nature

Say something about my hair.

Although Bret Rudnick is not mentioned in this paper, he is always in Laura Sue's thoughts.

[7] Laura Sue leaps (okay, walks over and gets in) to her sporty red Jeep and heads out on the highway in search of a good herbal scalp treatment and a makeover with herbal extracts. She wants to smell like a garden of earthly delights. She wants a totally organic experience. She is going to NAIL this audition, be noticed for her outstanding METHOD performance of a woman struggling with her need to be shampooed, and be asked to guest star on the X-FILES as Scully's hot new female protege with a knack for gossip and innuendo (and who has great hair). As she speeds down the highway, she decides to make a quick side trip over past Renaissance Pictures' local offices, just to see what's what.

Giving Directions

You have to agree that Fedex blue is prettier than UPS brown.

Laura Sue is always ready with a cunning disguise...

[8] Years ago, Laura Sue realized that she had this COMPULSION to find out what was going on at RenPics. Ever resourceful, she carries many guises for getting past security...and a micro tape recorder. Donning a Federal Express uniform in the parking lot down the street (she tried UPS, but realized she looked really bad in brown) and grabbing a few empty letter packs, she heads for the front gate. Much to her chagrin, Laura Sue spies an ACTUAL Fed Ex employee heading towards her in a truck.

[9] With lightning reflexes developed from hours and hours of Tae Bo, our flaxen-haired, intrepid, gossip goddess collapses in the street in front of the truck with a scream. The truck screeches to a halt. The Fed Ex employee (who turns out to be quite a DOLL, by the way) dashes to the aid of a fallen comrade. Cradling her limp form with the utmost concern, he asks, "Are you OK, little missy?" With a swift head butt, the Fed Ex guy goes down. Laura Sue drags his unconscious form back into the truck and gives her face a good powdering to take off the sheen of perspiration from the exertion.

[10] After successfully driving the truck onto the Universal lot, our towheaded tattletale looks around and realizes that she can't remember where RenPic's offices are. She wanders around looking for a map until a team of Universal's soldiers, armed with stun guns, surrounds her.

[11] Despite attempting to convince the goons that her name was Mary Ellen and she worked for Fed Ex, the goons say she has been identified by Ted Raimi as Laura Sue Dean, the notorious gossip columnist from WHOOSH. They tell her that she must leave, but that Mr. Raimi would be interested in acquiring her phone number.

Practice Makes Perfect

Still can't find out how Gabby survived the lava pit

Laura Sue selflessly risks her fashion sense for the good of her fans.

[12] While sitting in the parking lot, Laura Sue checks her voicemail and discovers two more new leads having to do with a certain American actress and nuptials, and another dealing with swapping horses down under. She decides that there simply HAS to be more information in the Universal dumpsters. The shampoo commercial audition is in another hour. She could certainly fit in a half hour of dumpster diving...and it would give her platinum locks the tousling that might make her look more like a woman desperate to wash her hair.

[13] Donning an environmental suit and unfurling a line and grappling hook, our determined diva of dish scales the sidewall behind a few low palm trees. Scurrying quietly (well...as quietly as a rustling nylon suit will allow) behind the buildings, she is careful to avoid the notice of any security guards or character actors. At last, she reaches a large aqua green (which, again, matches her eyes and bedroom decor) dumpster with the words "Renaissance Pictures" painted in white on the front. Cleverly ascertaining that this is, indeed, the dumpster she is looking for, Laura Sue dives into the air, performs two somersaults, and lands neatly into a pile of paper and discarded Starbucks cups (okay...she actually hoisted herself up and fell in... whatever).

[14] There is a wealth of information here! Beat sheets for old proposed episodes of Amazon High, an old three-story arc idea for Cecrops, sheet music from a musical with Sappho, a whole section edited out of THE QUEST (that takes place in another dimension), the secret to slow roasting coffee! Before Laura Sue can start stuffing reams of paper in her brassiere, an alarm sounds, and she is ejected forcefully out of the trash and onto the asphalt.

[15] This time, Laura Sue is taken to the local lockup in an attractive pair of stainless steel interlocking bracelets.

Trail And Error

What do you mean I'm not on the guest list?

Laura Sue is famous for talking her way both in and out of difficult situations...

[16] Hours later, Laura Sue comes to terms with the fact that she missed another audition that she could have easily gotten. With this in mind she makes a mental note to get a couple of catering jobs over the weekend...unless, of course, she gets a really good offer to go to Vegas or Palm Springs or another Robert Downey Jr. parole party.

[17] While waiting in the holding cell, under the watchful eye of the law, Laura Sue catches the attention of four menacing women with facial scars and tattoos that say really obscene and violent things (that would probably be permitted on HBO, but never ever on network). Our honey- haired "hearsayer" expects to be pummeled and wonders if Max Factor makes a foundation to cover gaping open wounds.

[18] "Yo. Are you Laura Sue Dean?" asks the tallest one with a remarkable array of piercings. Shocked, Laura Sue replies that she is...and then waits to be pummeled even harder. She is handed several packs of gum (this is California, after all, convicts don't smoke here) and everyone's delectable serving of bologna sandwiches and red Kool Aid. It turns out the girls are huge Xena fans and read WHOOSH. Thanks the gods for Xena's popularity among inmates.

[19] Kym Taborn arrives to bail Laura Sue out moments later, and tells Laura Sue that ten more leads have come over on e-mail and she needs to go check them out. Saying goodbye to her new pals (who all give her their phone numbers), Laura Sue reads the list of e-mail printouts and starts making calls.

Waiting For Gareth

Blondes have all the fun.

Laura Sue with La Ricky Loca! Um... El Ricky Loco... Whatever.

[20] A major player in the DVD market, whose handle online is Gareth, wants to meet Laura Sue at the posh Sunset Room for cocktails and dinner. Laura Sue NEEDS information about those DVDs. So far, they are only releasing XWP episodes very, very slowly for the PAL market. Laura Sue is flooded for requests for information about WHEN they will be available for the US market. Nobody knows. Maybe if she can ply Gareth with a few margaritas, he'll talk. If all else fails, she can just threaten him with a cocktail umbrella.

[21] The Sunset Room is filled with only the most important of Hollywood executives, stars, agents, and the very, very attractive. Naturally, Laura Sue feels right at home. She waits hours for Gareth to arrive, nibbling on breadsticks, and sipping water. The sexiest, most gorgeous person Laura Sue has ever seen saunters over and asks her to dine at their table. Laura Sue agrees, wholeheartedly, giving up on Gareth...and joins them at their table. After all, a gossip queen HAS to have a little R&R after a busy day.

Going To Bed

[22] Laura Sue doesn't go to sleep for a very long time. The super sexy, gorgeous person had lots of contacts, got her into a special private room at the Viper Club, and she stayed out much too late for her own good. One of the hardest parts about being a seriously dedicated online journalist is the amount of time spent just NETWORKING. Laura Sue networks her way to the bar several times, and then networks with a vengeance on top of one of the tabletops in stiletto heels, and networks herself all the way to another party with the cast of a recently cancelled freshman show on a major network (this is called network networking). Naturally, she manages to get a ride with Super Sexy in a Lincoln Navigator stretch limo (really networking into a sweat all the way over).

[23] When she does finally go to bed, she is happily nestled in Wamsutta's finest silk, in an intense shade of pale cobalt blue (which doesn't match her eyes at ALL). Laura Sue feels a pang or two before falling asleep (OK, passing out) when she realizes that she has put off, for another day, answering her e-mail and writing another installment of her News, Gossip, Rumors column. She is POSITIVE that if her fans knew of the amazing EFFORT that went into being the Xenaverse's number one Diva of Dish, they would SURELY understand. Besides, as Scarlet O'Hara once said, "tomorrow IS another day."

[24] The end.


Laura Sue Dean has been the editor of "News Gossip Rumors" at Whoosh! since July 1997.


Laura Sue Dean Laura Sue Dean
Editor, News Gossip Rumors
I was born and raised in TOPEKA, KANSAS. I am a twenty- (mumble) year-old aspiring actress transplanted to Hollywood and adore watching, learning, and reporting to fans all about Xena: Warrior Princess.
When I am not obsessing about myself or the show, I love to shop till I drop, hang out at the Phoenix Room, and "dish" with my other actress friends (Tori Spelling and Shannon Dougherty). I've just completed my first major film role: the mother in "Little Ezekiel" and have several television commercials under my belt. My manager (Stanley -- short for Stanislavsky) swears that my career is ready to take off...I hope he's right!
Favorite episode: THE QUEST (37/213) (Oooh! Didn't Renee just nail that entire episode? Gives me chills when I watch the amazing work she did there.)
Favorite line: Gabrielle to Iolaus: "I would tell her how empty my life was before she came along... about all the things I've learned from her, and that I love her" THE QUEST (37/213)
First episode seen: THE GREATER GOOD (21/121) (Hey Powers That Be! We want more Salmoneus episodes of XWP, please!)
Least favorite episode: FOR HIM THE BELL TOLLS (40/216), and any "Gabby-lite" episode

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