SO YOU WANT TO BE A TEDITE?
IAXS Project #126
By Jessi Albano (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Copyright © 1997 held by author
Joxer the Mighty
Is it MERE coincidence, that after Ted Raimi gushed about WHOOSH! while signing an autograph for the editor of that same fine publication at the Burbank Con (January 1997), that an article blatantly trolling for members for the Ted Raimi International Fan Club would magically appear in the next regular issue of WHOOSH?
Is there any truth in the rumors that WHOOSH! is becoming just another PR arm of Renaissance Pictures and wants to model itself after...gasp!...STAR LOG?
So many questions, and too few answers. Stay tuned for the rest of the season to see if WHOOSH! can retain its editorial integrity.
FYI, Ted Raimi played the character Tim in SEAQUEST DSV.
SO YOU WANT TO BE A TEDITE?
So, you want to be a Tedite? Who could blame you? Certainly not the members of the Ted Raimi International Fan Club (or TRIFC, pronounced "terrific"), who have known for years just what a major talent and what an all-around super guy Ted Raimi is. As any Tedite will tell you, the rewards of being an avid Tedite are numerous and undeniable, but fair warning, it's not that easy. Coming out of the closet and admitting your adoration for Ted after a year of vehement denials is nothing compared to the travails that now await you. Tedites may tell you that it is as easy as subscribing to a mailing list and visiting a website. (Or for those not on-line, as easy as dropping a note to the TRIFC headquarters and asking nicely.) Don't believe them. They're just tempting you to swim in what you perceive to be the calm and tranquil waters of solidarity and friendship when in fact they are luring you to your doom. Much like the sirens did Odysseus in the Odyssey. (See #10 below.) The TRIFC has a strict list of requirements for members and an extremely unique creed of behavior. So before you sign up, take a gander at the list below and be warned. Once you join us, your life will change forever.
A Tedite must be:
Roams through the countryside
1. OBSESSIVE.A. You must fit descriptions listed in Top ten lists:
(1) "You Know You're Joxer-obsessed When:"
You find yourself fascinated by pasta-strainers.
When confronting your boss/significant other/dog, you glower and snarl "Don't make me hurt you."
You shout "Farewell my warrior chums!" before leaving work/school for the day.
The phrase "manly resolve" keeps popping into your head and reduces you to gales of hysterical laughter, even during highly inappropriate moments.
You have no problems whatsoever with being called a "needy woman."
You start canceling your tae kwondo classes for your archery lessons. Or your lute lessons.
(2) "You Know You're Tim-Obsessed When:"
You find yourself speaking in obscure foreign languages and become upset when people tell you your German accent is atrocious.
You find yourself buying "days of the week" underwear for your kids/significant other/mom.
The words "white legs" is enough to put you in a state of dreamy euphoria.
(3) "You Know You're Ted-Obsessed When:"
You actually have your own Top Ten list.
You start capitalizing the three letters of his name wherever you find them; i.e., TEDious, infatuaTED, interesTED, commitTED, incapacitaTED, decapitaTED.
You actually write articles like this one.
You have your own webpage devoted to Ted:
The TRIFC homepage:
VIP's salute to Ted Raimi:
The Temple of Joxer:
Ciara's Page: A Depository of (mostly) Ted-inspired Madness:
He never needs a place to hide
Willing to battle Xena for the chance to hang out with Joxer.
Willing to take on Kimura for breaking Tim's heart.
Willing to risk the wrath of an entire newsgroup for uncomplimentary remarks directed towards your favorite Mighty Warrior.
Peace-loving but not opposed to violence, especially in the face of detractors, critics, newsgroups who demand Joxer's death, vengeful Daggers, Captains who throw Communication Officers out of their chairs, Ensigns who push ice cream into their date's face, psychotic warlords, ancient mythological gods who play around with people's lives and people who mention the word "nepotism" in your presence.
Righting wrongs and singing songs
4. IMMUNE TO MAJOR PLOT HOLES, IMPLAUSIBLE ILLOGIC AND IRRECONCILABLE PARADOX.
A. Must never question the writers of Ted's shows no matter what Laws of the Universe they break. Practice saying these lines in private:
"Yes, I know the seaQuest reappearing mysteriously in the middle of a cornfield after ten years is a little strange but wasn't Tim adorable?"
"Yes, I know that man-eating plant episode made you throw up but wasn't Ted adorable?"
"Yes, I know having two other Xena look-alikes was stretching the plot a little but wasn't Joxer adorable?"
"Yes, I know that "Skinner" was a little bloody and skinning people is a little disgusting but wasn't Dennis adorable?"
Willing to get a lobotomy for permanent suspension of disbelief.
Would die for a Xena episode featuring three Joxers.
5. POLITICALLY CORRECT.
No furs, no chauvinists, no polluting of oceans, no whaling. Must write on every available space on both sides of the paper, and be obsessed with saving trees. Buy only dolphin-friendly brands of tuna. Nuclear explosions okay as long as you guarantee he's alive at the end.
Extra credit for actually being a vegetarian, instead of only Catholic and eating fish on Fridays.
6. SUPERIOR IN INTELLIGENCE.
Only idiots don't like Ted. 'Nuff said.
Be able to quote all his lines from memory, even the ones spoken in obscure foreign languages or from under a latex mask while his mouth is filled with blood.
Be able to recognize him under a latex suit and mask or wearing an orange beard, or from split-second appearances where you can only see the back of his head, or from feet portrayed in video boxes.
Have absolutely no problem understanding the strange twists of the minds or strange lapses in logic of writers, especially those of the seaQuest 3rd season episodes. When faced with less-gifted viewers, must come up with sensible explanations for each inconsistency. Practice looking superior and sounding sincere in private. If this is impossible, practice giving pitying looks and making obscure references about some people's cerebral limitations.
Must know the difference between a ship and a boat.
Must know the difference between a lute and a lyre.
Must be able to tell which one is Xena, which one is Princess Diana and which one is Meg even when they are wearing identical clothing and not speaking a word, just by the look in their eyes when confronting Joxer.
Being mighty all day long
7. BE THE PROUD OWNER OF A WICKED SENSE OF HUMOR.
Or in the absence of the above, be forgiving of Tedites that do. Especially those that write fanfiction. (A strong heart and unshakable composure can't hurt, either.)
8. NEAT AND ORDERLY.
Have all your Ted tapes arranged by date and cross-referenced by subject. Ditto with all your articles and photos.
Extra points for having the "length of actual appearance" and "number of lines" along with the synopsis and cast in your tape labels.
Under no circumstances can any reptiles be found on your head. Not even if the poor thing was cold and needed a home.
(Figuratively, not literally.)
Willing to spend each one night each week for the rest of your life in front of the television even under the threat of blindness or irreversible idiocy.
Willing to watch his Baywatch episode. Willing to tape it. Willing to watch it again.
Staying up till 3 a.m. to see "Clear and Present Danger" on cable when you have a breakfast meeting at 7 a.m.
Telling your best friend that no, she absolutely can not get married on March 31st, or if she insists then she'll have to find another Maid of Honor because there is absolutely no way you're going to miss the re-premier of sQ on the Sci-Fi channel. (And no, she can't have her shower on March 1st, either. You have to be in San Francisco then.)
10. AN EXPERT IN MYTHOLOGY.
Must know that Poseidon invented the horse, Athena had no Mother (lucky her) and sirens are half-bird/half women and are totally different creatures from the mermaids.
Know that Dionysius is actually the Greek god of wine (Bacchus is Roman) but letting it pass because "stalking the Dionicchae" just doesn't sound right.
Extra credit given to those who are in possession of souvenir segments of the original Trojan Horse or dryad bones.
Must know what shoes go with tin foil, what pants go with what produce and how to make silverware into accessories. (Although clothing made from people's skins can be termed a little excessive, Tedites are more open-minded.)
Extra points for items of clothing from the 30's, in navy blue, velvet or depicting smiley-faces.
With Gabby as his sidekick
12. A LOVER OF POETRY.
Must know at least ten words that rhyme with dad and actually have a theory on what a sword might be bored with. Must use "thee" and "thou" properly.
Must be able to write a haiku. (Or at the very least know what a haiku is.)
Must be able to write a dirty ditty or a sensitive dirge on a minute's notice. Extra points if they rhyme. Or if they actually make sense.
13. EAGER, ENERGETIC AND PERSISTENT.
Willing to stay up until 4 a.m. debating "Ted vs. Theodore."
Willing to stay up until 6 a.m. discussing the differences between Tim and Joxer and debate on who is cuter.
Excited by the prospect of spending a huge amount of money to see a two hour film featuring a three-second Tedbit.
Willing to search the internet every day for new Ted material and be deliriously happy each time the website is updated.
(Also see #3)
Willing to accept anyone as a bosom buddy as long as she/he agrees Ted is adorable and is willing to share.
Is beloved of all the forest animals and talks to trees. And dolphins. And talking heads (not the music group.)
Willing to share Ted custody, Ted news, Ted articles, Ted clips, Ted gossip, Ted photos, Ted's address, Ted's phone number, Ted's shirt and Ted's shoe size with anyone who asks.
Willing to re-tape and send Ted episodes to less- fortunate Tedites.
Willing to make allowances for severe lapses in logic by so-called sci-fi writers who will remain nameless.
Able to read Joxer-inspired fanfiction without having conniptions.
Willing to beg total strangers to send you Ted-info.
Willing to go up to perfect strangers asking to borrow their magazines because it looks vaguely sci-fi and it might have an article on seaQuest or Xena.
Willing to go to television network executives and demand they revive seaQuest. Or barring that demand that a certain comedy-relief sidekick get his own show.
Calling up a certain television channel, telling them that if they don't get off their behinds and buy the second seasons of XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS and HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS and show them ASAP you will throw a curse that will make all of them lose their hair.
Willing to go stake out a certain hotel pool because somebody mentioned he used to swim there.
He's Joxer—he's Joxer the Mighty!
17. SENSITIVE AND SYMPATHETIC.
Must use the word "angst" at least once a day. Must use it properly. Extra points if the name "Tim" enters into the same conversation.
Willing to listen to the mad ramblings of fellow Tedites. Actually understand. Willing to lie in the face of the other person's extreme depression or delusion.
(1) "Yes, I'm sure that they'll revive seaQuest. No, it doesn't matter that it's been a year. They have to come to their senses sometime."
(2) "No, I'm sure this thing with Meg isn't serious."
(3) "Well, _of course_ he'd like you. How could he not? You just have to meet him, that's all."
Become weepy each time Tim has a personal crisis.
Get sympathetic pains whenever Joxer gets into a noselock.
Understand that Dennis Skinner is only victim of his childhood experiences and if skinning people is how he chooses to deal with his frustrations then who are we to stand in the way?
Delusional is acceptable as long as your delusions don't contradict the delusions of others.
(1) Think that Tim being a Catholic like you is a sign from the gods that you and Ted are meant for each other.
(2) Think that Hank writing poetry like you do is a sign from the gods that you and Ted are meant for each other.
(3) Think that Joxer being chased by a dog like you were in the third grade is a sign from the gods that you and Ted are meant for each other.
(4) Think that you and Ted are meant for each other.
Can rationalize the strange twists of the minds of the sQ writers. Especially those of the third season.
Practice saying these lines:
(1) "Well, it's _possible_, isn't it?"
(2) "It can happen, can't it?"
(3) "Well, it made perfect sense to _me._"
19. FAITHFUL AND TRUE.
Be interested in other men only if you can honestly say he reminds you of Ted.
Be reminded of Ted each time you see somebody with glasses.
Be reminded of Ted each time you hear or read sappy poetry, or you see somebody wearing silverware.
Think that Hollywood exists solely to bring Ted into your living room.
Everybody likes him
Willing to exhaust your trust fund in search of a copy of his lottery commercial.
Willing to watch all of Sam's films/projects even when you _know_ Ted isn't there, because after all, you never know, he _might_ be.
Willing to watch his every role, no matter how short, cheesy or gory. Even the seaQuest third season episodes.
Be willing to spend the rest of your life in front of the tube, searching the net and poring over magazines for the word Raimi. (_Any_ Raimi, you're that desperate.)
So, are you convinced? Ready to shuck the bonds of blandness and conformity and join our ranks? Congratulations! You won't regret it. We Tedites are mad but we revel in our madness. (And in times of trouble we double as a support group.) We warn you though, what we have is catching. At latest count we span a grand total of 8 countries, and more members come in each day.
To join the Ted Raimi International Fan Club or to just drop by and see what we're up to, check out the TRIFC homepage at URL: http://www.stgenesis.org/~inga/TedRaimi/
This is the coolest site imaginable, with practically all information available on Ted, including a regular report on all Club activities -- the TRIFC Tribune. >From there you can get to know Ted (and TRIFC) better or go to other Ted-related sites. Don't forget to sign the guestbook! Or you can email either Lana, our president (Hail to the President!) at LanaGail@aol.com or Inga, our webmistress (Hail Inga!) at Jovanka@juno.com.
There are two mailing lists available, the TRIFC regular list and the TedTales list (for Ted-inspired fanfiction.) For instructions on how to subscribe, please drop TRIFC a line. Again, you have to ask nicely.
For those with no access to the 'net, drop a note to our headquarters: Ted Raimi International Fan Club P.O. Box 484 Ostemo MI 49077-484 USA and address the letter to Inga. There is a newletter, the TRIFC Talisman, available by mail so be sure to enclose extra SASEs or IRCs so we can send you Ted-info and materials as they become available.
By the way, Ted does know about us and as far as we know is pressing no charges nor filing for restraining orders. In fact, from the mails he's been sending it seems he's having as much fun with us as we are with him. What more can we ask for? (No, don't answer that.)
So what do you say? See you there? Great! In the meantime, I gotta go stake out a certain hotel pool...
Farewell my warrior chums!
'Cause he has a funny grin
Joxer— Joxer the Mighty