Whoosh! Issue 66 - March 2002


By Renée Sorrell
Content © 2002 held by author
WHOOSH! edition © 2002 held by Whoosh!
978 words

The Steps, All 12 Of Them (01-12)
Further Instructions (13)


You are getting sleeeepy... you will give Renee top billing on the Main Title...
A good counsellor can help with many problems.

The Steps, All 12 Of Them

[01] Step 1
Consider your decision carefully. Stopping cold turkey is not for everyone. Be aware that, if you choose this option, you run a greater risk of relapse and possible hallucinations involving leather-clad women. There are medications such as tranquilizers available for those who require a subtler 'little by little' approach.

[02] Step 2
Using fire safety guidelines, start a large bonfire. Throw all Xena: Warrior Princess memorabilia and collectibles one by one into the fire, releasing your obsession of each item individually. Yes, this includes your authentic spinning 8" Callisto doll.

[02a] (Please note: You may want a non-addicted friend to help you in this effort. Have them hold you down so any attempt to dive into the bonfire to save whatever is left can be safely avoided with no permanent scars.)

[03] Step 3
All recorded episodes must be taped over one by one. We recommend Little House on the Prairie reruns or random infomercials. Under no circumstances are you to record Xena-related shows such as Hercules (yes, this includes the television movies), re-reruns of Cleopatra 2525, Jack of All Trades, or any other Renaissance Pictures production. Shows that feature or guest star former stars in the Xenaverse, such as Andromeda and X-Files, are also not recommended. Even Mutant-X should be avoided.

[04] Step 4
Find an accountability partner. We recommend a reformed Xena addict with whom you can share your deepest longings and fears. An Ex-Xena addicts' webpage is available if you know of no suitable partners. You may browse through our collection of 4-1/2 possible partners.

[05] Step 5
Under no circumstances should you visit Xena-related Internet sites. In fact, we recommend you rip your modem out of your computer or disconnect your phone line. We are currently working out an agreement with Microsoft to ban Xena-rated sites from your browser using cookies and other invasive technology. We hope, however, that your willpower and true wish to change will keep the urge to engage other Xenites at bay.

[06] Step 6
All Xena-related writing must cease. No fan fiction, commentaries, or even synopses are permitted.

[07] Step 7
Replacing your Xena obsession with another equally harmful obsession increases your relapse potential. Therefore, all sudden new interest in other fantasy/sci-fi related shows is not recommended, especially, Star Wars, Star Trek, Farscape, Babylon 5, etc.

[08] Step 8
All discussion of characters as real people must cease. No, Gabrielle is not having emotional problems. No, Xena should not just be nice to people. Hope was always going to be evil. Get over it.

[09] Step 9
All dangerous weapons such as knives, swords, staffs, and BGSBs should be disposed of in proper government-rated containers. We recommend you do not chase the Trash truck down the street at 6AM in a sudden fit of remorse. We have found it increases relapse potential. If possible, your driver's license should be secured in a safe environment until the urge to drive down to the dump and search the trash bins has passed.

[10] Step 10
Let your close family and friends know your decision to be Xena-free. They can be an immense source of comfort when the urges come by making you feel ridiculous, idiotic, mocked, etc. A strong support network is a key to success.

[11] Step 11
Try to purge your speech of all clichéd phrases such as "BATTLE ON!" and "THANK THE GODS!" These will only remind you of what you have lost--umm…overcome.

[12] Step 12
The program is a tough one. You will need every ounce of willpower and self-control. But always remember the end goal. Becoming Xena-free is a hard undertaking and requires great mental discipline. However, if you think you can not complete the program and are tempted to quit, always remember: What Would Xena Do?

Further Instructions

[13] These steps must be followed to the letter. Making serious lifestyle changes is the only way to overcome any addiction. If you have any questions, need advice on a particular situation, or simply want to information on Xena addiction and its effects you may call the hotline at 1-800-XWP-FREE. All six of us are always available to help recovering addicts. We hope you will join us in the Xena-free world and look forward to add your name to our reformed-Xena-addicts hall of fame. Think of us as an extended family and battle on in the fight against wasted time and over the top obsession.


I give special thanks to Daniel Buck for this idea. A former Xena addict who is in permanent relapse.


Renee Sorrell. Top Ten Reasons You Know You Are Overly Obsessed With XENA. WHOOSH #51 (Dec 2000).


renee sorrell Renée Sorrell
My full name is Heather Renée Sorrell. I live in the beautiful state of Virginia. I graduated from James Madison University with a degree in psychology and am now working diligently to save enough money for graduate school! My dream is to become a career student, but until then I will settle for a Counseling degree. My hobbies include: music, Victorian literature, and of course, XENA. Anyone wanting to discuss any of these things is more than welcome to drop me a line!

Favorite episode: ONE AGAINST AN ARMY (59/313), MOTHERHOOD (112/522), and INTIMATE STRANGER (31/207)
Favorite line: Gabrielle: "I think you have me mistaken for a pet". HOOVES & HARLOTS (010/110)
First episode seen: MATERNAL INSTINCTS (57/311)
Least favorite episode:THE WAY (84/416)



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