Whoosh! Issue 95 - November 2004

XENA LIMERICK EPISODE GUIDE
By Sheryl Simpson
Content © 2004 held by author
WHOOSH! edition © 2004 held by Whoosh!
2683 words


THE INTRODUCTION (01-02)
THE WARNING (03)
THE CHALLENGE (04-06)
THE LIST
THE LIMERICKS (07-30)
THE SECOND CHALLENGE (31-33)
THE SECOND LIST
THE SECOND BATCH OF LIMERICKS (34-55)
THE CAST (56-60)
THE THIRD CHALLENGE (61)
Notes
Biography



XENA LIMERICK EPISODE GUIDE



History may not repeat itself, but it sure rhymes a lot.
--Mark Twain


There once was a girl from Potaidaea...Now, how am I going to rhyme anything with THAT?

Joxer found out the hard way that Xena knew history DID repeat itself
(but she kept the rhyming part to herself)




THE INTRODUCTION

not long ago I got an idea
that made me exclaim "Mama mia!"
if you help me finish Season 2
I'll share my small brainstorm with you
a plan we all may gain some small fame via

--eyezoom

[01] Once upon a time, in the mostly happy, often silly, frequently strange place known lovingly as "The Scrolls", a merry misfit band of would-be bards-(first and foremost Xenites) set about a daunting task. Their task - and yet not so much a task but a mission - was to interpret the tales of their beloved Warrior Princess and her companion Bard in the poetic form that had come to be the Scrolls' standard: the limerick. The project proved difficult and protracted. In fact, it remains a journey ongoing.


There once was a man named Tapert/Who had an idea with rapport/A warrior named Xena/Wait til you've seen er/And a bard to sit on her lappert!

Some scrolls make better reading than others


[02] And so we Scroller bards humbly offer the fruits thus far of our diverse talents to the Xenaverse: Xena: Warrior Princess, Seasons 1 and 2. In limerick form. Enjoy...



THE WARNING

[03] Some of the limericks below could be misconstrued as slightly bawdy in nature. Some might even be viewed incorrectly as mocking beloved characters from the television show Xena: Warrior Princess. It may also appear, to the casual viewer, that the Bible, The Powers That Be, and even Vegemite are belittled. It was all meant in fun. Honestly. You have been warned.


It comes from a land down under

Pity the fool who belittles ambrosia
Behold the power of vegemite!




THE CHALLENGE

[04] Amethyst wrote:
OK, lets start the next challenge with zest
I've had a while to think of this test
We start with Sins Of The Past
And run through the others real fast
One by one, and no I don't jest

[05] eyezoom replied:
D*** Ame[Note 01], that's one h***uva test
Can't we just give our poor brains a rest?
But a beat won't be missed
If you'll just post the list
Of the eps--then we'll start the Xena-lim fest

[06] Amethyst responded:
You don't know all eps in order, off by heart?
I read that, and it gave my heart a start
I'll run to Whoosh! to get
So you don't forget
Then love will never keep us apart



There once was a woman, Najara/Who wanted Gabrielle to go farja/When she wouldn't comply/Naj said Bidey-Bye/I guess Xena's is just that much larga!

Why do I think of Najara when I see the word 'challenge'?




THE LIST


1. SINS OF THE PAST
2. CHARIOTS OF WAR
3. DREAMWORKER
4. CRADLE OF HOPE
5. THE PATH NOT TAKEN
6. THE RECKONING
7. THE TITANS
8. PROMETHEUS
9. DEATH IN CHAINS
10. HOOVES AND HARLOTS
11. THE BLACK WOLF
12. BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS
13. ATHENS CITY ACADEMY OF THE PERFORMING BARDS
14. A FISTFUL OF DINARS
15. WARRIOR...PRINCESS
16. MORTAL BELOVED
17. THE ROYAL COUPLE OF THIEVES
18. THE PRODIGAL
19. ALTARED STATES
20. TIES THAT BIND
21. THE GREATER GOOD
22. CALLISTO
23. DEATH MASK
24. IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?


There once was a warrior named Callisto/Vengeance got her off of her keisto/Gabrielle up she tied/The girl might have een died/But Xena got there and went ballisto

Season 1 was a fun one, you know?




THE LIMERICKS

[07] 1.
Xena had found peace at last
She had left behind her evil past
Then she met Gabrielle
Who had stories to tell
And the peaceful times were shattered - fast!

[08] 2.
Xena takes an arrow for a pacifist's son--what a mess
Then ends up wearing his dead wife's blue dress
There are chariot wrecks
(when do we get some subtext?)
And Gabrielle's ability to annoy I can't express


Xena tired of her warrior ways/When she first met Darius's gaze/She dressed up in blue/And drove a chariot, too/Then returned to her Gabrielle graze

Xena wore the blue dress not Darius (darn!)



[09] 3.
Even though the show's only begun
Gabby's already showing she's dumb
Xena's already caught in an entrapment
Saving Gabrielle every season, such an attachment
But Xena, and those eyes, you know she's the one

[10] 4.
"If I wanted to kill you, you'd already be dead"
And she meant every word that she said
X and G had in episode four a
Run-in with Pandora,
And a king, and a henchman who subsequently bled

For Pandora life was awfully bleak
She feared that her box of hope would leak
So one night in the inn
She indulged in some sin
And now also deals with diapers that reek

[11] 5.
If I am not much mistaken
Gabrielle took a path not less taken
Xena made Marcus good
As only she could
And then saved a young woman's bacon!

[12] 6.
So we see Ares for the very first time
D*** he's so hot I almost forgot to rhyme
Trying to lure our Xena with his evil ways
And trying to tempt her with erotic displays
Although I don't like his hair as much, this way


Now Ares desired our Xena too/Tried to get her to, you know, woo hoo/But the princess held fast/To her Poteidaist/And said, There's never been a me and you

He is hot

[13] 7.
Gabrielle awakes the ancestors of the gods
And as irritating blonde, gets several more nods
But she wouldn't be such a pain
Were she on some hensbane
To meddling busybodies, I'll always prefer sods

[14] 8.
Wonderful Prometheus was chained to a rock
And people everywhere were dying of shock
So proud Xena fought Hercky
But he just proved too perky
Fortune intervened and showed how to break the lock

[15] 9.
When he caught death dear old Sisyphus
Was eventually thwarted by Talus
Who was killed by Celesta
Along with the resta
Of the people who had syphilis *wink*

[16] 10.
No one ever likes to see an Amazon come to harm
Comforted though she may be by Gabby's charm
Wrongly, the centaurs caught blame
Due to a masterful, dastardly frame
Designed to sell Amazon and Centaur the farm

[17] 11.
"Who is the Black Wolf?" some said
"They cannot be right in the head.
Best throw them in gaol
Be they woman or male
Or better still, kill the Wolf dead!"

[18] 12.
The Trojan War, re-explored
Finds Gabby's ex now warrior-ed
He only wishes he had heard it thus:
"Run for your life, Perdicus!"
Cuz hanging with Gabby will eventually get him gored

[19] 13.
For Xena the time came all too soon
But Gabrielle's dream had already bloomed,
To be the best bard in the land
A contest in Athens she had to attend
Where she tricked her way into getting a room

For Xena the parting took more of a toll
But true friends know when they must let go
Gabby's stories would please
She taught Homer the keys
And made friends like Twickenham and Stellon'

Sparticus and Hercules filled out the show
With clips from Kirk Douglas' excellent role
This first clip-show wasn't flat
Lucy took time off for her back
And ROC[Note 02] revealed the Bard's storytelling soul

[20] 14.
Next Xena made a disclosure
She had part of the key to ambrosia
She hooked up with a prat
Who called Gabby a brat
But his death gave the story some closure

[21] 15.
Uh oh! See - here comes some trouble
It seems Xena now has a double
A Princess, no less
But I have to confess
Her brain is as full as a bubble

[22] 16.
Xena had kept in a cupboard
Her feelings about her beloved
But when they came out
All he did was shout
As a knife into his chest was shove-ed

[23] 17.
Xena had to get to a box
Surrounded by three thousand locks
She took along Auto
And she dropped him down slow
And he didn't give her the pox

[24] 18.
I watched The Prodigal once without the sound
And something quite alarming I found
While I wasn't all that eager
About scenes with Meleager
It seemed subtext between Lila and Gabby did abound

[25] 19.
Gabby ate some funky cake
And gave her a tummy ache
She thought she was all that
Tried to make love to a cat
Please keep her away from nut bread for heavens sake


Now, Gabrielle's downfall was nutbread/Her favorite food, it was said/She was high as a kite/And at last saw the light/When she sobered, boy was her face red!

Nutbread, the vegemite of the gods

[26] 20.
Xena just loves a good pillage
She's happiest with huge blood spillage
When I saw TIES THAT BIND
She blew my poor mind
When she screamed out to all "Take the village!"

[27] 21.
Gabby dressed like Xena 'cause Xena died
Then beat up a tree with her stick and cried
But the warlord didn't get her
'Cause Xena, she got better
I'll just end this one without making anymore comments snide

[28] 22.
A screeching blonde, Callisto her name
Her goal, to bring Xena shame
She was quite the bad ass
Gabby she did harass
For her acts she gave Xena the blame

This is such a good ep for rhyming
This Callisto b**** had very good timing
For we also meet Joxer
Who became quite the stalker
And was known among some for his whining

And how could we forget Theodorus
Callisto spoke his name like a chorus
The syllables drawn out
Even in her shout
We knew that she would never bore us

I've stood on the sand
Of that sacred land
Where Callisto sank
Into the dank
And Xena extended her hand


Callisto ran into some quicksand/After she and the Warrior Princess ran/They fought head to head/With horses well-bred/This wasn't in the Warrior Queen's plan

In season two, Callisto says 'Buh-bye'



[29] 23.
DEATH MASK is certainly not a favorite
Truthfully, I'd actually rather eat Vegemite
For brother Toris really sucked
BUT he did know our girls ****ed[Note 03]
So I guess we'll call it alright

[30] 24.
Hypocrates learned from Xena all he'd know
Like re-inflating lungs and stanching blood flow
That caesarian births of Amazon centaurs
Will surely leave some big scars
And that Subtexans[Note 04] will replay some scenes in slo-mo ...



THE SECOND CHALLENGE

[31] Shawn wrote:
Come now, lets start season two
I've been compiling my rhymes while in the loo
We must not stop now
I can't see why, I can't see how
There are five more seasons to do

[32] eyezoom responded:
Okay then dammit, let's play
And get Season 2 underway
It's encouraging to see
A relative limerick newbie
Show such enthusiasm anyway




THE SECOND LIST


1. Orphan of War
2. Remember Nothing
3. The Giant Killer
4. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
5. Return of Callisto
6. Warrior...Princess...Tramp
7. Intimate Stranger
8. Ten Little Warlords
9. A Solstice Carol
10. The Xena Scrolls
11. Here She Comes...Miss Amphipolis
12. Destiny
13. The Quest
14. A Necessary Evil
15. A Day in the Life
16. For Him the Bell Tolls
17. The Execution
18. Blind Faith
19. Ulysses
20. The Price
21. Lost Mariner
22. A Comedy of Eros


The Big Bad of Two was Velasca/If you don't believe me, just aska/A goddess she was/But to no applause/That Amazon warrior will tax ya!

Second two was kinda fun, too



[33] Before we start, let's get something clear
We've gotten Too Much Information I fear
Must we know? I think not
That Shawn lims on the pot
It's just not the thing one wants to hear.



THE SECOND BATCH OF LIMERICKS

[34] 1.
Okay, okay--so I'll begin
The ep about Xena's son, born in sin
Cuz she and Borias
Were in no way pious
And she gave birth amidst battle's din

She left him for centaurs to raise
But for that was given no praise
With hatred, poor Solan,
His brain was all swollen
And killing Xena was for him a craze

He got over that case of brash gall
After breaking his arm in a fall
It'd been better instead
If he'd fell on his head
Cuz I really can't stand him at all

[35] 2.
This was such a good show
Only Xena could know
To let the Fates decide
Who lived and who died
And tell that old fiancee to blow

Gabrielle, on the other hand
Still made a strong stand
She had become a slave
Again for Xena to save
Bondage of this type was not planned

[36] 3.
You never know when TPTB[Note 05] are liable
To borrow a myth from the Bible
Little David did tryeth
To slay great Goliath
Knowing Xena helped makes the story more buyable

[37] 4.
For once in his life Joxer gets a head
It bears for Xena a message of dread
To soothe the savage beasties
And halt their orgy feasties
Gabby eats Xena in a manner ill bred

[38] 5.
He caught up to them while one night they tarried
Before we knew it, Gabrielle got married
Poor Xena, she was shook
But the marriage never took
Cuz when Callisto thrusted, Perdicus never parried


Callisto returned--what a little cuss!/She even dared to kill Perdicus/Gabrielle tore her hair/Xena said, Don't despair/I'll kill her and then she won't be hurting us.

We always return to the happy memories



[39] 6.
It's time for attack of the Lucy clones
So more often we hear those dulcet tones
We see Diana again, and meet Meg
Who the guys really don't have to beg
And in all three Joxer wants to bury his bone

[40] 7.
Are you blonde or brunette?
You've lost your looks I fret!
No longer tall and dark,
Now you screech not bark
This is Ares' fault, I'd bet

[41] 8.
And suddenly the admired sight
Falls back on love for eating fright
What Xena once ached to make undone
Turned to black jokes on cruelest fun
How to escape the demon's luring flight? *frown*

[42] 9.
"A Christmas Carol" TPTB repaint
About it I have no real complaint
Gab gave passers-by pious
Her ass named Tobias
So obviously, Dickens it ain't

[43] 10.
Oh that Mad Dog is crazy like a fox
She unearths the Scrolls from the rocks
Nasty villains she dodges
In cliffhanger hodgepodges
Her former life came as the greatest of shocks

[44] 11.
Xena, in a blonde wig and gold skirt
Enters a pageant a war to avert
The contest was in the bag
But a queen dressed in drag
Took the prize without dishing the dirt

[45] 12.
Past demons descended on Xena's mind
As she fought a demon of a different kind
Slowly drifting to the last black gate
In past and present's struggle to beat fate
She learns that only giving up makes one blind

[46] 13.
No wait! She wants to go back!
All she needs is an ambrosial snack
In quest of the rejuvinating toddy
She enters Autolycus's body
And while there she gave Gabby a smack

[47] 14.
The ambrosia plan went slightly awry
A new goddess wants to see Gabby die
I can still hear Velasca yell
I can smeeeeeell you, Gabrieeeeeeeeelle
Callisto's help is not that hard to justify


Rebirthing, thy name is Callisto/I want to be a god, she screamed this low/She got her wish/But it wasn't delish/Immortality was not what she wished fo

Even Callisto has bad hair days



[48] 15.
Such sexual tension produces
An abundance of excuses
A giant of a plan
A sassy frying pan
Can we cook with your juices?

[49] 16.
One moment an idiot not-so-savant
The next moment dapper and gallant
Aphrodite's spell
Involving a bell
Rewatching ADITL[Note 06] is what I really want...

[50] 17.
I'm rather less than eager
To once again lim of Meleager
The guilty verdict, Gabs did shun it
Turns out it was Xena whodunnit
I apologize for a rhyme oh so meager

[51] 18.
One day Xena, blind and rather crabby
Forced a young hotshot to lead her to Gabby
Who was forced to marry a dead king
(but that wasn't really her thing)
At least the wardrobe wasn't too shabby

[52] 19.
When Xena met Ulysses he said "Athena, who?"
'Twas the princess who saved him a time or two
Though his personality was lacking
Xena seemed to think him ripe for racking
Then felt guilty about Penelope, true blue

[53] 20.
This one certainly won't leave you bored
As we meet the strange and horrible Hoard
Gabrielle we must not knock-a
Cuz she figured out "Kaltaka"
And thankfully Xena managed not to get gored

[54] 21.
If you are stuck on a ship
On the ocean and are just a blip
Remember, please do
Poor old Cecrops' and crew
And how he gave his curse the slip

[55] 22.
In matters of love a mile is as good as a miss
Especially when the arrows are drawn by little Bliss
Joxer becomes Gabby's squeeze
Xena's love Draco tries to freeze
Seems like an awful lot of trouble for a kiss



THE CAST

[56] Poets in order of appearance:
Amethyst
eyezoom
Argeaux
Smirk Morgan
Nanzar
Shawn
The Xenatizer

[57] THE DAILY SCROLL (Everything from Aeryn Sun to Xena)

[58] Known affectionately as "the Scrolls" this is an online message board where almost 200 people hang out and chat about Xena, Buffy, Charmed, Farscape, other TV shows, movies, music, books, sport, each other, and just about any subject you can think of.

[59] If you hang out at the Scrolls long enough you will come to be known as a "Scroller" and your time online and offline time will start to be consumed by thoughts of what has been said on the Scrolls, and what you want to say to your fellow Scrollers.

[60] Drop by. We don't bite. Hard.



THE THIRD CHALLENGE

[61] So now you have read of our task
There is but one more thing to ask
Won't you come and be
Part of our Season Three?
In limerick glory you'll bask


What, you wanted another limerick?  Aren't you sick of them by now?

Can you say...'rift'?




Notes

Note 01:
Ame = Amethyst
Return to article

Note 02:
ROC = Renee O'Connor
Return to article

Note 03:
Rocked. Our girls rocked.
Return to article

Note 04:
Subtexans = people from Texas who delight in the Subtext in Xena
Return to article

Note 05:
TPTB = The Powers That Be
Return to article

Note 06:
ADITL = A Day In The Life
Return to article





Biography

the author Sheryl Simpson
A woman of mystery

 

 

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