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NEWSFLASH!
#02
Dispatches from Alex Poindexter

Uber News from Across the World
June 19, 2001


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Tuesday June 19 2001 9:43 pm

By Alex Poindexter - Uber Media Writer

"I SAW XENA!"

HOUSTON (UM) - Millions of fans around the world are seeing the image of the vaunted Warrior Princess in everything from pieces of burnt toast to puddles of oil to the rust stains on the side of a tool shed.

"I saw Xena at work. Last Friday, I poured a cup of coffee and forgot all about it. It was left out on the counter all weekend. By Monday morning, she was there in the coffee. I could just make out her face in the scum that formed on the surface. My God, it's a miracle!" said Jennifer Brewhaha, a Seattle barrista. Brewhaha shellacked the coffee cup with its contents intact and now displays it in a shrine.

Xena: Warrior Princess is seen in syndication all over the globe. Reports of Xena sightings have been coming in even from as far as India. "First, it was the marauding Monkey Man. Now, it's that Xena woman. She has been spotted flipping and leaping from the rooftops. Her unnaturally bright blue eyes and inch-long fangs scare the children," says an anonymous Delhi source.

Leading psychologists attribute these mass hallucinations to the media frenzy surrounding the series finale.

"Lucy Lawless' face and her squeaky Kiwi voice are all over the airwaves hyping The Big Finish. Radio. TV talk shows. Even Howard Stern wants her back," says clinical psychologist Dr. Andie Travers of Sunnyside Memorial Hospital. "She is everywhere and she's telling her fans she is ready to move on with the rest of her life. Hardcore nutballs can't handle that. So she appears where they have the most control, in the mundane minutia of their lives."

What about the effect of the Internet? "The situation is even worse there. The instantaneous and wide-spread communication of the World Wide Web turns idle rumor, innuendo, and personal opinion into hard facts," says Dr. Travers. "One person posted from New York City that she saw Xena climbing the Empire State Building with Rudy Giuliani under her arm. The next thing you know, someone in Lawrence, Kansas, saw her face etched into a wheat field like a crop circle. Classic cases of mass hysteria."

And finally, there is the man in street dressed in a leather bustier and breastplate, a true fan. "Some people see Elvis. I see Xena. Deal with it."

You can write Uber journalist Alex Poindexter at alexpoindexter@whoosh.org.




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