A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU MY ADORING AND MOST PATIENT FANS! Seems like months since Laura Sue Dean, fearless reporter and rumormonger, has been at home in sunny SoCal, having spent the extended holidays with the family units at the Dean ancestral home located deep in the exotic corn belt. LSD is no Fashion Expert mind you, but she can say this: Christmas shopping in Topeka is akin to being trapped in a labyrinth with Medusa, if the labyrinth had a Cinnabon stand and Medusa wore a lot of imitation Perfumes d'Coeur and ill fitting lurid acrylic-polyester ensembles bought from HSN (featuring optional hand done decoration by "the Bedazzler"!). Suffice it to say, Laura Sue wandered the many shopping venues of Topeka wearing the largest pair of face concealing sunglasses she has in her collection, lest one of her ardent fans observed a very familiar perky starlet wandering WalMart searching for just the perfect "Precious Moments" figurine to compliment Momma's (extensive) collection. On a brighter note, going home brings back all those wonderful childhood memories: dressing up on Halloween, bonfires and hayrides, making snow angels, roasting chestnuts, sleigh rides through the woods, Judy Garland singing to me while we sit by the window on Christmas Eve. Wait. Laura Sue is channeling Margaret O'Brien in Meet Me in St. Louis again. The therapist said this might happen... NEVERMIND!
If this wasn't enough to add significantly to some already repressed post traumatic holiday stress, Laura Sue was STRUCK DOWN by the horror of an allergic reaction to a new eyeliner (tip: NEVER trust cosmetics that claim to be smudgeproof and waterproof even during hurricanes and Meryl Streep movies). Laura Sue was practically BLINDED for weeks! She spent her days wobbling around the pool house, looking just like Jane Wyman in Magnificent Obsession...waiting for some handsome stranger to come and cure her and carry her off to eternal happiness (or at least a really nice dinner). Of course, now Laura Sue is fully recovered, but sorely lacking a good resilient eye makeup to take on this intense Malibu winter deluge (and Laura Sue's eyes are one of her BEST qualities). Thank goodness the Cabana is neither downhill or teetering on some picturesque Malibu cliff.
But, enough about MOI... you are all probably ... probably? ... okay, EAGER to hear any news about your FAVORITE SHOW, Xena: Warrior Princess (well, it's still SOMEONE'S favorite show, somewhere...) having been starved for weeks while the reruns roll by. Let's see what NEWS, GOSSIP and RUMORS LSD can dig up for the really needy among you, yes?
FEATURE FAILURE FRUSTRATION
Kids, this is never easy but once again Laura Sue's gotta be the bearer of bad news: If you've been stockpiling popcorn and saving up for the surround sound system for those Xena movies that were a rumor last month...you can start using the popcorn for decoration and spend that money on something else (like a tasteful gift for Laura Sue). The movies will NOT be happening. It isn't for a lack of enthusiasm on Master Chef Rob's part ... it's just the all the necessary ingredients aren't there. (Could it be that a recently-married ingredient may want to leave a life of sais behind when the sixth season ends?) Sure as anyone dying a prolonged, painful death in Hades will return for at least one more Xena Episode - this writer knows there's no more "HOPE" -ful bunch than Xenites, so here's a shred to hold onto: A certain Mr. Rosenberg a/k/a Head Wonk, SUDT (Studios USA Domestic Television) told Daily Variety that, while no spinoff of Xena is in the works, the possibility hasn't been ruled out. (Keep those pigstickers sharp, Gabrielle!) Rosenberg says his company is intent on continuing to work with Lawless and Renaissance Pictures. Of course, Laura Sue would like to provide the needed sugar, but she knows she would be a poor substitute for the original. But she's going to look up Mr. Rosenberg's number nevertheless.
GOTTA ADMIRE A WORKIN' GIRL
If you want to see Xenaverse stars outside of XWP, you shouldn't have too much trouble. Lucy Lawless will be appearing in a Febuary sweeps Just Shoot Me, as a lady of ill repute (perhaps it's a spin off to be called Hello Meg?). Check NBC for details. She also MAY have bagged a movie deal for after the show (which is not that Aussie dysfunctional gal film Dealing With Donna) ...but no one is certain yet as to details. Laura Sue has been calling in some markers for this one. Someone out there has to know SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.
DOES HE GET A SPEAKING PART?
E Online has the goods on another actionpacker doing it, sit-com style: Dharma of Dharma and Greg picks up a new interest when she goes back to school this season: muscles. Too bad they're all on Kevin Sorbo. The erstwhile Hercules star guests on Dharma and Greg for several February sweeps episodes as Dharma's new professor. Whether Dharma's interest in him remains a simple schoolgirl crush remains to be seen. (Yes, Virginia....Hercules is a home wrecker, but this time it's not *his* home!)
BRUCE ON THE BIG SCREEN
Not only is Bruce Campbell showing up in Evil Dead video game commercials these days but -- and this should not come as a shock to ANYONE -- Bruce will also be appearing in his pal and fellow Michigan Movie Mafia member, Sam Raimi's Spider-man, along with that perennial Brother Sam's fixture, Ted "Mom made him put me in" . Next, Bruce will be in a film called Servicing Sarah, with the Bedazzling (NOT the Teddy Bear-sweatshirt kind!) romantically hard-to-please Elizabeth Hurley and everyone's favorite Bing, Matthew Perry. (Hmm, that title sounds suspiciously similar to a movie Laura Sue ALMOST got a role in when she was young and oh so naive.) Finally, Bruce will appear with Jim Carrey in an upcoming film about an amnesiac blacklisted writer. (Or, is that a blacklisted amnesiac writer, LSD forgets!)
DETROIT, HOME OF THE STARS
Speaking of the MICHIGAN MOVIE MAFIA, let's talk about this alleged episode that Josh Becker mentioned on his site a while back, the one that Ted and Bruce may be showing up in: an episode with the working title, "The Lost Scrolls". The episode now has a name, MISSING PIECES, and it indeed will feature Ted Raimi. It is a flashback episode taking place between the episodes SACRIFICE II and A FAMILY AFFAIR. At first a drama, it was magically morphed into a comedy when Becker took over the helm, and now it appears to have been mysteriously returned to the drama status. Becker's attachment at this time is unknown and even whether Bruce will be in it is still up in the air. So let's just say they are, so Laura Sue has something to say.
JOXER RETURNS BUT KINDA EARLY
LSD has been informed that Ted's little medical malady was very minor and the news of a more serious health problem was actually yet another famous Ted Raimi joke (tm) on fandom at large -- not that OTHER fandom (remember his big love affair with what turned out to be a pre-teen? Or his being the one to kill Callisto? Or his appearing on three shows or more of season 6? Oh, there are so many of these Ted shennangins on the fans -- get this guy in front of a mictrophone at a convention and you will get your leg pulled every which way) -- about it keeping him from flying over seas or in fact anywhere. What a card that Ted is. MISSING PIECES will feature a pre-apocalyptic Joxer and ponder exactly how the heck Gabrielle did get out of that deep deep lava pit. Laura Sue has to ask....WHO CARES? She got out. Woke up in the shower...it was all a dream. Let's move on, hmm?
ALL ABOUT EVE
For those Adrienne Wilkinson fans out there, go check out her brand new site at http://www.adriennewilkinson.com. REJOICE in the news that there's one CENTRALIZED SOURCE for ALL of your Eve needs! (In the name of Eli and all the powers of Heaven, LSD commands you ...load fast!)
For the select few with access to OXYGEN, you can revisit all your favorite episodes Monday through Friday at 5:00pm EST. For the other 99.9% of us who do NOT get Oyxgen... rummage around for your last cable bill, give those little amazingly helpful and courteous cable "customer-service" people a call, and tell them you want your XTV! Of course, once you get them to hook you up, there's one teensy little problem. The network saw fit to put this black bar across the bottom of the screen with their logo on it (lest you forget what you're watching). Also, the quality of the video isn't exactly pristine. The good news is, however, (according to some gals Laura Sue talked with at Oxygen), the quality gets better with the seasons (the *video* quality...LSD Feels the Need to Clarify this point!). They are also planning MONTHLY Xena Chats online -- oh no. Somehow the term MONTHLY and Women's Network just seems a little.... Nah, too easy...LSD will not go there!
RAT EATS SNAKE!
This in from BROADCASTING AND CABLE, Issue: Dec 6, 2000. Fandom Inc. Acquires Creation Entertainment; Acquisition of Top Live Events Producer and Licensed Merchandise Company Strengthens Fandom's Audience Reach and Marketing Efforts. Laura Sue asks, does this mean her "Worship me like the Goddess I am!" matching cappuchino mugs will finally arrive? And, while she's at it - what about XWP LUNCH BOXES!? Inquiring minds WANT TO KNOW!
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A REALLY GOOD BUFFET
Who knows what's really coming down the final season pipeline? According to the schedule on the official site (along with Creation), we're heading for Green Acres in the comedy OLD ARES HAD A FARM, followed by Renee O'Connor's second directing gig, DANGEROUS PREY. After that are two godhood/Caligula episodes THE GOD YOU KNOW and YOU ARE THERE. Hmmm, godhood *and* Caligula? And this is rated ...what? Amazons, ghostly and new will be paraded out in the eps PATH OF VENGEANCE and TO HELICON AND BACK. And finally we'll have the clip/uber show SEND IN THE CLONES. The hush-hush on this is that some of these little "gems" need reshoots...BADLY and should be pushed back in the lineup. For some reason unbeknownst to Laura Sue, that can't happen, so the show will go on! Laura Sue wonders if it had something to do with that UNFORTUNATE incident involving recent guest stars mistaking the extras for craft services. Listen to Laura Sue: Whenever you're on-set, the rules of the game is...Safety first!
LAURA SUE CHEATED AGAIN
According to MaryD's site a while back, there was some gossip that a well known Xenaverse personality would have a cameo in a future episode. According to Mary, it is not Missy Good. Speculation ranges from Sharon Delaney to Bret Rudnick (swoon). All Laura Sue knows is that she has NOT been approached, which is the greatest travesty of injustice since Marisa Tomei's Oscar win.
Speaking of everyone's favorite cult leader, MISSY GOOD, the Sappho musical is back, for now anyway (who truly knows about tomorrow... maybe I should phone Cleo, the first minute is free!). It all could change with the setting of the sun. Laura Sue is simply DYING to hear our favorite warrior's rendition of "Ring My Bell" or Gabrielle's (vocal double) belt out "I Will Survive" while wearing something skimpy and, well...lame'. Come to think of it... they do have that cheezy disco ball left over from IF THE SHOE FITS! Like Momma always said, "Waste not, want not!"
Laura Sue is optioning the option to an option to a soon-to-be published story by yet another Xena fan-fiction bard! Said Scribe is simahoyo - new book is "Before Our Journey's Through" and should be published by Xlibris in the spring. One can't help but compare a certain out of work, yet brilliant actress to Emily Lamb. Life on the Oregon Trail in the 1840's is so similiar to LA of the 2000's - Indians, scallywags, wild animals and adventure. Sounds like type casting to LSD!
IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU'LL MAKE IT ANYWHERE....
Rumor has it that this February is the final NYC Xena convention. It's shocking that such a large city will be without a Con next year, but the times, they are-a-changin'. It's also shocking that the last hurrah in the Big Apple should be without a celebrity breakfast or cabaret, but it WILL have the likes of fan fave Hudson Leick, Karl "Drop Your Pants" Urban, the lovely Willa O'Neill, and Laura Sue's personal favorite Virgil, Greg Lee. A little birdie told Laura Sue there will be a HUGE party at "Subtext Ground Zero" Meow Mix, that Saturday evening starting at 7pm. (Sorry kids, 21 and over only). Those of legal age will be hitting the hotel gift shop asking for their industrial sized supply of Alka Seltzer.
WHOOSH PREPARES LARGE LEGAL CAMPAIGN
According to the attorney representing fandom.tv, fandom.com is still playing the bully concerning the site. Laura Sue can REALLY see their point in wanting to exclusively own the word "fandom". I mean, why NOT allow everyone their own special word. Laura Sue has requested that WHOOSH's own crack legal team send cease and desist letters to ALL persons using this sound effect. This includes all spellings of WHOOSH (WOOSH, WOOHOOSH) in comic books, movies, tv shows and any private individual who simply INSISTS upon using our copyrighted legal name for personal or business use. And another thing... No one get too attached to starlet.com or .tv or .net or .org! LSD isn't as dumb as she looks!
CONTAINS SEASON 6 SPOILERS
So here's the final rundown of episodes to date with Laura Sue's brief speculated synopsis. Read no further is you are a total spoiler sissy:
OLD ARES HAD A FARM: Ares hides out as a renegade from Hee Haw with Xena and Gabrielle wearing less than usual. Great opportunity to bring back those pig co-stars from Hercules.
DANGEROUS PREY: The classic tale of hunters hunting the hero of the story...only this time it's directed by the fabulous Renee O'Connor and Xena gets to wear even less than in the last episode.
THE GOD YOU KNOW: Aphrodite loses her powers and Caligula lusts after her wardrobe...
YOU ARE THERE: Michael Hurst guests as a reporter following Xena around as she gets back Ares and Aphrodite's godhoods (and Aphrodite's shoe collection from Caligula)
PATH OF VENGEANCE: Eve goes on trial with the Amazons...break out the feathers.
TO HELICON AND BACK: Liz Friedman returns to pen this ep with Vanessa Place. Xena goes in to rescue someone ala Saving Private Ryan. Expect war movie homages and still more amazons.
SEND IN THE CLONES: Rabid fans clone Xena and Gabrielle and terrify them with paraphernalia. Claire Stansfield uses a Pontiac as a deadly weapon.
THE LAST OF THE CENTAURS: Xenan has grown up and gone bad. The ghost of Ephiny (Danielle Cormack) wants him to shape up. More classic centaur effects from Flat Earth.
MISSING PIECES (aka: The Lost Scroll): Ted, Bruce, and Josh Becker return to En Zed in what will undoubtedly be a bawdy comedy taking place 25 winters ago. Or maybe not.
WHEN FATES COLLIDE: A funky alternate timeline episode where Caesar is back and Xena takes a different path.
THAT SAPPHO MUSICAL THINGEE: They make us feel mighty real....
SERIES FINALE I (Code name Japan I): Who knows?
SERIES FINALE II (Code name Japan II) Who really, really knows? Ignore that "Maiden" rumor thingee..it's a load of bullpucky.
Whew! Laura Sue can't wait to continue the Gab costume O Meter! Stay tuned next month for the continuing big costume countdown, merchandise alerts, and a look at the ratings.
LETTERS TO LAURA SUE
I really enjoyed #33 and #34. Laughed my a... off. I have a question for you - DOES ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT OR LEFT MIND WATCH BEASTMASTER? What the hell is that about anyway? I've managed about 5 minutes for a few of the shows and I then go and clean my house, housecleaning is more interesting. Oh, the reason I have it on in the first place is it precedes Xena. I can't understand why that piece of crap is still on and they are taking Xena off the air. Yeah, I'm still in all of the STAGES!!! There, I vented, I really enjoy your NGR's.
Beastmaster serves an IMPORTANT purpose in the world. it was developed carefully by a team of Swedish researchers to help catatonic patients come out of their....well.. catatonia.
You see...after many years of trials, the patient (who was unable to react to ANY outside stimuli) was rolled in front of a TV playing this highly sophisticated show..the patients finally leaped out of their seat screaming "I can't watch this..where's my Xena G*dd**nitt!!!!" Success and happiness all around. A modern medical miracle!
Naturally..the patient said this ALL in Swedish. Laura Sue is translating roughly.
So there. the next time you watch your allotted 5 minutes of Beastmaster, you will now *appreciate* the CARE and EFFORT these Noble Prize winning scientists put into making you feel this impatient and agitated.
Hi Laura Sue,
I'm sure you're very weary of slobbering fan mail by now, but I just had to write to tell you how much I love your column and look forward to every new installment. (I particularly enjoyed the 11-27-00 column.) Where and what will you be writing about after the XWP ends? I can't lose both you and Xena at the same time!
Thanks for all the saliva...Laura Sue loves all her fans.. whether they have a problem with moisture or not :)
Laura Sue has NO idea what she'll be writing about. Maybe a tell all book about her sordid life with the stars? A cookbook of how to live on ramen noodles, peanut butter, and leftovers from wealthy friend's dinners? A workout video on how to take off pounds while exhausting your credit cards and lifting heavy bags of shoes at the Galleria?
Aww..don't worry..you won't be Laura Sue AND Xena at the same time...Laura Sue will try to fade out gradually...like a really good dye job (NOT that Laura Sue would know ANYTHING about THAT!)
I recently discovered the wonderful world of Xena and I am kicking myself in the butt over and over again for not catching onto it sooner. I am officially addicted to the show and tape every episode possible, especially because they've decided to cancel it. All of this to say, I REALLY enjoy reading what you have to say on Whoosh! There are alot of sites out there that go on and on about nothing. But not you! You're straightforward, hilarious, informative...basically, you kick a$$! I hope you keep this up because I have your site in my favorites folder.
CK from Hawaii
Dear A & F Gal,
It's SUCH a drag to come so late to a party, isn't it? All the nibbly snacky things are gone and the bar is almost empty..but FEAR NOT...
They'll be showing lots of reruns on Oxygen TV (if you don't have Oxygen on your cable network..call your cable provider and DEMAND it). And there are still lots and lots of innnnnteresting folks still at this shindig.
Glad you like the column!
(kicking a** is HARD in 5 inch stilettos!)
Now that Xena is cancelled, what am I going to do without your fluf...um, I mean gossip pages. I enjoy your devotion to the show and your rants About your unfortunate incarceration.
Will there be a LauraSueDean after Xena, or will I have to go to detox?
Confirm, deny, or ambiguously tap dance around this please.
Your devoted reader,
Dearest Candidate for Prozac,
DARLING...it is depressing that it is ALL over too soon..and of course..also the fact that Xena show we all seem to be enthralled with is ending as well is a real bummer too.
Laura Sue is working right now with top scientists to develop the Laura Sue PATCH that can help ease those cravings for fluf..I mean..deep, probing, intensely sophisticated journalism...after News, Gossip, Rumors has been retired.
Laura Sue hasn't even THOUGHT about ending her column...or what will happen after the show goes buh bye..but as long as there are rumors to be spread..gossip to dish over..or news to send out to her adoring masses..she will be there (or at Betty Ford..but whatever).
Your Devoted Writer,
I was just wondering if you or anyone you know could add to this list of episodes where xena, gabrielle, calisto, etc.. fight barefoot??? Just the name of the episode would be great, thank you for your time
Between the Lines
The Greater Good
The Return Of Callisto
The Xena Scrolls
Dear Foot Fancier,
Wow. Hmmm. Okayyy. Laura Sue can greatly understand shoe fetishes..I mean who can resist a sexy pair of strappy sandals??? Lusting over barefeet is a little hard to grasp. This is the only reason why anyone would ever want to collect such information.
Good luck with your...ummm...quest.
LAURA SUE NEEDS YOU!
If you HAVE any good dish, write me. Need a rumor confirmed, denied, or ambiguously tap danced around? I'm your gal! Just drop Laura Sue a line!
I can't print every letter, but I'll do my best to answer your questions... and report those late-breaking XWP stories!
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