_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** P.O. Box 7822 Oxnard, CA 93031 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 2 June 1992 RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. ========= CONTENTS ========= Guest Publisher: Neil Austin Messages from the Big Cahuna: Borgs Through History Borgs Through History Update FBI Records on Cubebuster Video Released From and To the Federation Advertisement: CubeBuster Video Borg Tales, Part 2: "Involuntary Oil Change (Ouch)" The Borg Manual of Routine Diagnostic and Repair Maintenance How We Became Borg: "THE BORG INCIDENT" Borg Polls Borg Costumes and Models SECRET POLICE LOG OF ALARMS AND JUNK FOOD VIOLATIONS Borg Ag Report Borg Filler Borg Filmography: "I Borg" Editorial Notices Copyright Notices Back issues of RIF available Addresses of contributors ==================================================== GUEST PUBLISHER: NEIL AUSTIN (aka Falcon Parakeetus) ==================================================== This 2nd boffo issue of "Resistance is Futile" begins what many (well, the editors, mostly) hope will start a Grand Borg Tradition: The Guest Publisher. The Guest Publisher, out of pure altruistic motives, receives the final proof of the R.I.F. issue and, on his or her OWN TIME and OWN NICKEL, produces the copies of R.I.F. and mails them to all the Borg currently entered in the Big Book of Borg. This one, kind, philanthropic act by Falcon Parakeetus made this 2nd boffo issue possible. So, please, all Borg reading this, flash your little red lights for . . . NEIL AUSTIN, GUEST PUBLISHER. For if it weren't for this generous soul, you would not be integrating this newsletter into your central processing units so quickly after the ground breaking R.I.F. #1. ALL HAIL FALCON PARAKEETUS! The policy on assimilating parakeets paid off big time. ============================ MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA ============================ [Each issue endeavors to present postings from the Supreme Borg Novellus. For this issue we have chosen a very important report on declassified information. --eds.] Borgs Through History --------------------- BECAUSE OF THE PERSISTENT RUMORS OF THE IMMINENT DEMISE OF OUR BRETHREN IN THE FEDERATION SECTOR, MILKY WAY GALAXY, THIS COMMAND UNIT HAS DECIDED TO DECLASSIFY CERTAIN DOCUMENTS DETAILING THE EXTENSIVE-CLANDESTINE-UNDERCOVER-SUBVERSIVE COVERT OPERATIONS LONG UNDERWAY IN THE SOL SECTOR. DOCUMENT 1 ++++++++++ PRE-21ST CENTURY DEEP-COVER SLEEPER AGENTS 1. VICTOR BORGE, MUSICIAN. 2. BJORN BORG, ATHLETE. 3. ROBERT BOR(G)K, HIGH JUDICIAL PUBLIC SERVANT. 4. CESAR BORGIA, SON OF POPE ALEXANDER VI, A 15TH CENTURY RELIGIOUS CLERIC. 5. HUMPHREY BO(R)GART. EARLY 20TH CENTURY 2-DIMENSIONAL PROJECTED CELLULOID MEDIA THESPIAN. 6. ERIC BO(R)GOSIAN, PERFORMANCE ARTIST AND COMEDIAN. 7. AL-SIMILATION HAIG, POLITICIAN AND MILITARY HARDLINER. 8. GARY BORGHOFF (BURGHOFF), RADAR ON T.V'S M.A.S.H. 9. ERNEST BORGNINE, MCHALES NAVY, AIRWOLF, LOTS OF BAD TWENTI- ETH CENTURY ACTION ADVENTURE MOVIES. FATHER, ERNEST BORG- EIGHT; SON, ERNEST BORGTEN. 10. BOBBY BORGNILLA, OVERPAID LATE 20TH CENT. PARTICIPANT IN SPORT RELATING TO SWINGING A CARVED POLY-CYLINDRICAL EXPIRED ORGANIC WASTE PRODUCT AT A SMALL SPHEROID COVERED WITH DE- CEASED BOVINE EPIDERMAL TISSUE REMAINS. 11. DAVID BOR-GURION (BEN-GURION), FIRST LEADER OF A SMALL BORG-LIKE NATION. VERY ADMIRABLE. 12. STANLEY CUBERICK (KUBRICK). VISIONARY BORG AGENT WHO FACI- LITATED FURTHER ASSIMILATIONS BY PRODUCING TWO DIMENSIONAL CELLULOID PRODUCTIONS, ABOUT THE ADVENTURES OF A MISUNDER- STOOD AND MUCH ABUSED BORG-LIKE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE UNIT. 13. BO(RG) DIDDLEY. ALMOST AS GOOD A GUITARIST AS JIMI HENDRIX. 14. MIKHAIL BORGACHEV. LEADER OF A FAILED BORG PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE PLANET TERRA. IN THE END, HE TURNED THE SITUATION TO THE BORG'S ADVANTAGE BY PRETENDING TO HAVE BEEN A REFORMER ALL ALONG. 15-16. SONNY BORGO AND CLINT EASTBORG, ENTERTAINERS/MAYORS. FURTHER SECRET DOCUMENTS WILL BE RELEASED AT A LATER UNDETERMINED TIME. --Supreme Borg Novellus ============================ BORGS THROUGH HISTORY UPDATE ============================ AND THE LIST GOES ON, OH SUPREME ONE! 17) JORGE LUIS BORGES; AN ARGENTINE AUTHOR CONSIDERED THE FOREMOST FIGURE IN SPANISH-AMERICAN LITERATURE. 18) BORGHESE; AN ITALIAN NOBLE FAMILY PROMINENT IN ROME. 19) BORGIA; AN ITALIAN-SPANISH NOBLE FAMILY POWERFUL IN THE 15TH AND EARLY 16TH CENTURIES. 20) LIZZIE BORGDON; SHE TOOK AN AX AND GAVE HER PARENTS FORTY WHACKS. AN OBVIOUSLY MALFUNCTIONED UNIT. ---TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA ======================================== FBI RECORDS ON CUBEBUSTER VIDEO RELEASED ======================================== (UPI-Washington, D.C.). In a surprising move today, the F.B.I. admitted that it operated a sting operation against members of the Borg Club. The sting consisted up setting up a fake video rental store called "Cubebuster Video No. 1". A Borg, known only by the name Oxnardus, was enlisted by the FBI for this sting. Oxnardus was reported to have assisted the FBI due to high pizza and cola debts. The FBI further stated that it was going to cease the operation because nothing was uncovered except some exciting new videos to rent. Oxnardus stated that Cubebuster Videos would remain open since it turned a pretty good profit. At the end of the conference the FBI released the following titles that were rented to specific Borg Units. "Resistance is Futile" is publishing a partial list as a Borg public service. WIGGALUS OF BORG: Borg in the Hood; Robin Borg: Prince of Thieves; Termiborger 2. LAS LARIUS OF BORG: The Bathroom Scale That Ate the Federation. TRICIUS OF BORG: The Jungle Borg; Spies Like Us (requested for Wiggalus); Beauty and the Borg; Data Does Dallas. CHATSWORTHUS OF BORG: Rockaborgle, from Don Borg; anything with Victor Borg in it; Casaborga, with Humphrey Borgart. Music video: "Borg in the USA" Bruce Springborg. MAN OF BORG: Borgy Horror. MARIANUS OF BORG: Borg Durham; Total Reassimilation; The Princess Borg. KHELLIUS OF BORG: Music video: "We're Too Borgy" Right Said Borg; Nature Documentary on Klingons [a description of this video will be found in the Cubebuster Video #1 ad, this issue --eds.] CLUELESS OF BORG: Borg on the 4th of July; Borg Free; Borg on the River Kwai; Borgy and Bess; Through a Borg Darkly [directed by Ingmar Borgman -eds.]; Marty, with Ernest Borgnine. TONYCIUS OF BORG: Borg Instinct. SWANNOX OF BORG: The Last Borg Scout; Borgs in the Cube; Beauty and the Borg. Some non-Borg were caught renting videos from forged, borrowed or stolen membership cards. They were: AMBASSADOR RANDICUS OF STC (human): 101 Cubations; The Assimilated Mermaid; Star Borgs; The Empire Borgs Back; Return of the Borg. PDQ (Q): Borgie Does Dallas [this Q was carded and was not allowed to rent this video --eds.]; General Borg vs. the Ferengi; A Borg Too Far. SUPERMAN (Q): SuperQ. WEEBLE (tribble): Borg in East LA; Risky Borgness; Bruborger; Borg Games; Borgie, Come Home; Borgie and the Red Baron; Teenage Mutant Ninja Borg; Borgbusters; Borgs; Borgs II (The Devils Down Under); Borgs III ( The Evil Ones Return). ========================== FROM AND TO THE FEDERATION ========================== The following communication was intercepted from a Federation transmission. I have been doing some extensive research on the Borg. It seems that the kernel of their operating system was written on a Commodore Pet computer on Earth back in the 20th century. The Pet had reverse ASCII. As a result, all of their lower case letters are transposed to upper case when they transmit to P* computer which uses standard ASCII. As far as not using the shift key, they don't use keyboards, but merely transmit directly via cellular modem. It appears that some of them are able to run translation programs when desired, but the process requires approximately 3 times as long as normal transmission. Being the efficient entities they are, they seldom do this. Hope this clear up a few things. --Markus, Galactic Historian The following communication was intercepted from a transmission to the Federation. DON'T DO IT! Don't take its hand in peace! If the Borg get your home address they will send many orders of Chinese food, for which YOU will need to pay. They will make prank phone calls during the night ("Is your life-support system running? Then you had better catch it! Ha Ha!" click). They have been known to TP entire satellite systems. You are warned. --Lord Kaar ============= ADVERTISEMENT ============= TIRED OF ASSIMILATING THE MASSES? TIRED OF CONVERTING ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEMS TO RUBBLE? THEN IT'S TIME TO COME ON DOWN TO __CUBEBUSTER__ VIDEO AND REVIEW OUR BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF VIDEOS AVAILABLE FOR IMMEDIATE RENTAL!!! WE ALWAYS HAVE SPECIALS!!! OUR JUNE SPECIAL IS RENT FOUR HUNDRED VIDEOS AND GET ONE FREE! ONLY AT __CUBEBUSTER VIDEO #1__, LOCATED NEAR THE PROXIMA CENTAURI OFF RAMP IN THE OBLONG SYSTEM. NEW RELEASE: "KLINGON HOME PLANET EXPEDITION", the latest nature documentary from Khellius of Borg: 'Here we see the galaxy's most primitive species, a Klingon. Note the strangely puzzled look on the face as he realizes I am using a microphone, not foraging for berries as he is. He's approaching the holocorder...AAAG!' CAN'T MISS THIS ONE--WE ORDERED THREE ZILLION SO WE WOULDN'T RUN OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ========== BORG TALES ========== A Serial Part 2 "Involuntary Oil Change (Ouch)" ------------------------------- As the tractor beam pulled the Beta Queen closer to the larger than life cube, I was blinded by the brilliancy of the flashing "Jiffy Cube" sign. I kicked myself several times thinking about how stupid it was to have gotten myself into this situation. I started to panic. I ran around the Beta Queen like a crazed Denebian slimedevil. An idea came to me. I initiated the process for releasing cargo. This would change the weight of the ship and allow me to momentarily upset the tractor beam. Just one second would do it, I thought, then I could scoot under the beam and speed away. My warp drive was out but the impulse power was up. However, my rough calculations were wrong. My Yugo Spacecruiser LX only weighed 1500 lbs to begin with. My cargo weight released was insignificant. My attempt was hopeless. I needed a different approach. I ran over to my computer terminal and began to wildly input commands. I wanted to create a torque imbalance which would cause the Beta Queen to bounce off the tractor beam and gain a pick up from the residuary waves (I had seen it done in Lethal Weapon DCLVII). I continued to input furiously, but all the computer would output was pizza recipes. And very peculiar ones, at that. Suddenly, the most amazing thing beamed aboard the Beta Queen. It was a humanoid wearing a black leather jumpsuit with crucial parts missing. I was not impressed by it's fashion-sense. The missing parts of the jumpsuit exposed wiring, metal components, and exposed circuitry. It obviously never rained where this guy came from. There was what appeared to be a battery pack attached to its face with a little red beam of light emanating from it. I approached my guest, but it ignored me and waddled over to my computer terminal. It made several whirling noises and appeared to interface with the terminal. Suddenly the creature began to cough and sputter. Obviously the cyborg was not familiar with low-end computers. Upon recovery, the cyborg turned toward me and I noticed it had a motorized pincer instead of a right hand. It must be left-handed, I deduced. "Who are you?" I demanded. The creature just belched and disappeared. Where it had been only moments before was a very soggy pamphlet and an envelope. I went over and examined the documents. The pamphlet was soaked through with what appeared to be cola. Typed across the surface page was the words, "You and Assimilation, the 25 Most Asked Questions Answered". I opened the envelope, which to my relief was cola-proof, and pulled out a very long document. It had red smudges all over it. I was horrified, thinking it was blood. On closer inspection, however, I determined it was tomato paste. The form consisted of what looked like thousands of words in a very small micro print, except for what was written across the very top of the form. It boldly stated in a very large pica, "VOLUNTARY ASSIMILATION AGREEMENT - LONG FORM". At the bottom was an equally large "SIGN HERE". The truth finally dawned on me. I had come across a group of rogue Borg. I had heard about this off-shoot of the Borg. They had a reputation for hard partying, practical jokes, and obnoxious behavior. As the seriousness of my situation reverberated through my every fiber, I prepared myself for an nvoluntary oil change I would never forget (ouch!). Next installment: Part 3: "The Assimilation Blues" ============================================================ THE BORG MANUAL OF ROUTINE DIAGNOSTIC AND REPAIR MAINTENANCE ============================================================ by Marianus of Borg Most Borg implants are guaranteed for the life of the host body. The maintenance on the implants are minor. All questions on body functioning that are not addressed here must be voiced to the medical lab. VIDEO ----- The video enhancement implant is attached to the biological host by way of the optic nerve. Impulses are received and processed at one millionth the time a normal image would be received. It is the units job to keep the lens clean and free of any material that may prevent the sightings of possible barbecue opportunities. Lens cleaner and soft towels will do the job nicely and are available at any corner Jiffy Cube. AUDIO ----- The audio enhancement implant works much the same as the video implant. It is attached to the host's tympanic membrane (eardrum). The unit should not place objects into the opening as it would prevent the host from enjoying the sounds of his meal being devoured or a ferengi being disintegrated. POWER DISTRIBUTION LOGIC SYSTEMS -------------------------------- These are the systems that fail most often. New software will soon be available but until then, the following steps must be taken: (1) MEMORY LOSS. ++++++++++++++++ If any unit notices any memory loss (such as forgetting where the refrigerator is), it should adjust it's main memory button (located by the host's navel) one-quarter of a turn. (2) FITS OF ANGER OR THE NEED TO INSULT SOMEONE. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ These are normal functions and should not be taken seriously. Go back to bed and the feeling will pass. (3) THE LOSS OF CAPS. +++++++++++++++++++++ This is an indication of a major system failure and should be reported immediately to your superior. Some units do have software, however, that will allow them to slip out of caps for covert operations. Consult your manual. ARM UTILITY MODULE ------------------ This allows the unit to adapt it's arm to suit any need. The following is a list of common adaptations available now: (1) KNIFE, FORK, SPOON. +++++++++++++++++++++++ This is the most useful adaptation that any Borg can own. If you do not know why, see #1 of the above section. (2) BARBECUE EQUIPMENT. +++++++++++++++++++++++ This includes such useful tools as the grill cleaner, spatula, and lighter fluid access port. (3) DAILY HYGIENE ATTACHMENT. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A must if you want to be invited to all the best parties. (Beard attachment is available but at an extra charge). (4) A SIMULATED HOST HAND. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ This is available only in select areas at this time. It will allow the unit to use a fully-functional, life-like hand in the same way it's biological one worked. It is best used in poker games. ================== HOW WE BECAME BORG ================== [This series explores the million and one stories out there of how our Borg brothers and sisters became one with the galactic Borg consciousness] "THE BORG INCIDENT" ------------------- Come, sit here by the fire in my cube and I'll tell you the short story of a ship, it's crew, and their last great battle of which I alone survived. Our Captain "The Cap", Tickedoff--the science officer, Gordy in engineering, and myself, were on a mission on board our ship, the USS CHEVY CITATION, to deliver 2.5 million Milky Way ice cream bars to the Derbygolfer sector, when we encountered one BIG square shaped starship. The bass on their Pioneer stereo system was turned up and the place was obviously in full party mode. When the first communication from the ship came in, it filled the Chevy with resounding echoes of something called, "I'm Henry the 8th, I am. Henry the 8th I am I am..." "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! SURRENDER IS IRRELEVANT! DO YOU HAVE PIZZA?" said a booming mechanical voice above them music. "I sense massive hunger," I said to The Cap, "Perhaps we should set all replicators on pizza and give them the Milky Ways." He was busy exploring his nostrils with his index finger and seemed not to hear me. Only the sudden jolt of the ship woke him from his reverie. "The ship has fallen victim to a tractor beam," said Tickedoff. The Cap yawned and then said, "Full speed reverse, please." The whine of the engines was deafening as we tried to break free. Then the ship and my chest gave a heave and the muffler fell off (the ship's, not mine). A huge oil slick began forming in space and was sticking to our front windshield in globs. "Do you sense anything more?" the Cap asked, turning to me. "Just an overwhelming need to party," I replied, "and a rather large ego with very small brain waves emitting somewhere in your direction." By this time the Chevy was shaking so bad that we all sounded like Earth chipmunks. "Fire those torpedo thingies," said the Cap. Tickedoff reached over his console, pushed the red button, and the windshield wipers came on. "Good shot, Tickedoff!" I said, "That oughta scare 'em." The Captain's Federation course-by-mail certificates began falling off the walls as the ship began it's final throws of death. "She can't take much more of this, Captain," said Gordy from somewhere in the room, near the engineering corner. The Cap loped over to the stick shift and, grinding the ships gears, pushed it back into drive. We hit the giant cube right in the landing bay, throwing hidden "Ferengi Playmate of the Year" issues all over the floor. The last fluttering magazine had just landed on the Cap's head when we heard the loud BOOM, THUD, BOOM, THUD of someone coming. Someone BIG. Then came an earsplitting screech of tearing metal and a rather large Borg tore open the door and stepped inside. "Resistance is futile!" he said again. I melted into his arms and said, "Thank you for saving me from my drab existence. Take me away, I am prepared to party at last!" While the others were carted off as edibles, I was treated to some cosmetic surgery courtesy of Supreme Borg Novellus and Oxnardus the welcome wagon. And that, in brief, is how I became a Borg. Well, it is time to regenerate. I've enjoyed chatting with you all and I (I should say "We") hope you will come back and share your stories too. And remember, NO EATING ALL THE COOKIES WHILE I'M GONE! ---Tricius of Borg\Betazed, Supreme Administrator of the Borg ecret Police, Professoress of Deep Thought, Not the holder of a sacred chalice, but I do have a holey bucket! ========= BORG POLL ========= THIS UNIT WOULD LIKE TO INQUIRE ABOUT THE SOLAR YEARS OF OTHER BORG UNITS. IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO KNOW THE AVERAGE AGE OF THE COLLECTIVE. ---Marianus of Borg, 27Solar HEY! DOES THIS MEAN THAT WE FIGURE THE AVERAGE AGE, EVERYONE WILL THEN ASSUME THAT AGE, AND CELEBRATE THEIR BIRTHDAYS TOGETHER ON THE SAME DAY? ---Tricius of Borg, 30Solar WHILE THIS COMMAND UNIT IS SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS OLD CHRONOLOGICALLY, IT INHABITS THE BODY OF A 22 YEAR OLD MALE HUMANOID. ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS SHADOWFAX OF BORG CURRENTLY ASSUMES A MALE BODY OF 16 YEARS OF AGE UNTIL ASSIMILATION CAN BE FULLY ACHIEVED. ---Shadowfax of Borg In the dark ages if someone asked a women's age their tongue would be cut out....Then they discovered.......? (I'll let your imagination finish that). ---Weeble the Tribble, 27 solar (ancient for a tribble) This is my age group, I can't believe it!!!!!!! Alright then, how do I get in the BORG book. ---Man of Borg, 27 The cat wishes to give you this info: KITTIUS OF BORG 7SOLAR (this is in Human terms). She's only one cat year old, you know. The Klingon will finally make her age know to all, also. ---HoD K'Ech, 14Solar This unit, as has been previously posted, has attained 50 revolutions around Sol, so it probably qualifies as the second oldest unit (second ONLY to Supreme Borg Novellus, of course). This unit also "resents" any implication that it is a "dirty old Borg." This unit is only as old as it feels, so SCRATCH THAT "OLD" PART!!!! ---Chatsworthus of Borg IF THE AVERAGE AGE OF ALL THE BORG UNITS IS OVER 21, DOES THAT MEAN I CAN DRINK LEGALLY? ---Hartius of Borg, 19Solar THIS UNIT HAS FINALLY FREED ITSELF FROM IT'S WALL UNIT AND HAS BEEN LABORIOUSLY CLEANSING IT'S LATERAL IMPLANTS FROM COLA-GOO. THIS UNIT HAS OBVIOUSLY MISSED OUT ON MUCH FRIVOLITY OF LATE. WE ARE READY TO PARTY. BUT WHO IS THIS PATTY DUKE? DOES IT PARTY? OKAY, BY THE WAY, THIS BODY THE COLLECTIVE INHABITS IS 33 SOLAR YEARS OLD. OUR KNEES HURT. --Clueless of Borg rare appearance by khellius of borg. i have fourteen solar revolutions. i enjoy messing with averages. (insert maniacal laughter) ---khellius of borg OKAY, THIS IS FRACLICUTUS (wanna-be) OF BORG, THIS UNIT HAS DETACHED ITSELF FROM UNIFIED VEHICULAR MOUNT #79-O98, AND IS NOW ATTEMPTING VERBALLY ASSIMILATE... OH OH, IT'S ALMOST TIME TO WITNESS WHAT THE FEDERATION THINKS IS THE FINAL DESTRUCTION OF THE CENTRAL PROCESSING UNITS OF PRIMUS BORG...OH CRAP!!...THIS UNIT HAS MADE ONLY 25 SOL REVOLUTIONS... ---Fraclictus of Borg THIS UNIT HAS ATTAINED 36 SOLAR YEARS. AS TO MENTAL AGE, SEEMS TO VARY FROM 14-90 BASED ON AMOUNT OF PIZZA, DORITOS AND CHOC. SODAS CONSUMED. ---Manginius of Borg THIS UNIT IS ALSO 27 SOLAR YEARS FROM OUR FIRST STEPS OFF THE ASSEMBLY LINE. WE SUSPECT THAT THE NEW BORG-TYPES WHO ARE TRYING TO START WARS ARE MUCH YOUNGER. THEN AGAIN, IT IS USUALLY OLDER MEN WHO START WARS ANYWAY. ---Hammerus of Borg THIS UNIT IS AWARE OF MOST THINGS ABOUT THE BORG, HAVING LURKED OUT IN THE SHADOWS FOR SEVERAL WEEKS. WE ARE AMONG THE ELDER BORG, OH HELL, ALL RIGHT, FORTY SOLAR CIRCUITS HAVE PASSED SINCE MY ENTRANCE INTO THE PLANET. ---Olympius of Borg WE ARE 33. OF THE SIXTEEN REPORTED AGES, THE AVERAGE AGE IS 26.66666666666666666666 [oh spoo! got caught in a time loop while in Warp 10]. ---Oxnardus of Borg The Other Borg Poll ------------------- Results of the poll regarding whether a Borg would sequester 4.5 million milk chocolate Dove bars without almonds or 4.5 frozen Snickers ice cream bars: Out of 15 responses: 7 said Dove bars (46.6%) ; 3 said Snickers ice cream bars (20%); 1 said both [a Borg after our own hearts -eds.] (6.6%); 1 said chocolate-frosted pop-tarts (6.6%); 1 said it was too overwhelmed to make the decision (6.6%); 1 said orange slices (6%); and 1 said the mere thought of the choice caused an overload (6.6%). ------------------------ BORG COSTUMES AND MODELS ------------------------ Contact George Daher Jr. at Prodigy ID JNMX85A (Precision Models, P.O. Box 1780, Bloonmfield, N.J. 07003) for custom made Borg models and costumes. He's a professional. Tell 'im Oxnardus sent you. ==================================================== SECRET POLICE LOG OF ALARMS AND JUNK FOOD VIOLATIONS ==================================================== [As a public service, RIF will endeavor to print any secret log it can get a hold of from the Secret Borg police--eds.] 1. Just when we though it was safe to come out of the cube, one OMNIUS OF BORG (unauthorized, mind you) began creating general havoc amongst the races. I then asked him to stop such activities and come join the true Borg. I tossed a few bad jokes his way and bit him in the e-mail to see if he said "Ouch". As of Earth date May 7, 1992 we have heard no further communications from him. Studies of his followers revealed that he had none that could be located. We will be watching the BB's for further altercations. 2. Certain parties, who shall remain unnamed, were caught sneaking into Jiffy Cube one evening and commandeering Dove Bars WITHOUT almonds. Subject was detained at cube headquarters and released to the custody of his/her peers. Dove bars were placed in a refrigerated evidence locker and will be evenly distributed back into the Borg collective at a later date. 3. One PARAKEETUS OF BORG has been formally offered the job of Birds-eye View Surveillance Chief. He will be provided with a lightweight badge and updated landing gear. We are still trying to assimilate the Man-o-War jelly fish for sea surveillance. 4. Our citizen of the Month Award goes to CHATSWORTHUS OF BORG for his words of wisdom and general basher bashing. Any pending charges for flaunting his Macro in public have been dropped and subject will be allowed to continue these activities. As a Citizen of the Month, Chatsworthus will receive a supply of junk food of his choice from the Secret Police evidence lockers or from his local Jiffy Cube. 5. Anyone found with a Dustbuster in their possession will be reprimanded as these are too easily used to clean up leftover crumbs which can be evidence of junk food violations, such as not sharing the cookies. 6. We are waiting for permission to assimilate one K-9 unit for sniffing out perpetrators and growling at bashers. We will be holding a "Name the K-9 Unit" contest on the boards at a later date. In closing we would like to say that we cannot be everywhere at once even though we are. We will try our best to be there to bash bashers and bombard them with bad jokes. Feel free to report any disturbances to your cube commanders or this unit. ---Tricius of Borg\Betazed, Supreme Administrator of the Secret Police. Ssssssssshhhhhhh........ UPDATE OF BORG SECRET POLICE LOGS --------------------------------- 1. The supreme one NOVELLUS has assimilated one "Muffy, the killer Borgapoo" for inspector status in the secret police. Any reference to this unit [Tricius] being seen with a POODLE will be answered by severe reprimand. Novellus is preparing one Rottweiler-Borg unit, for K-9 partnership during this units rounds. We are looking foreword to working with him as Muffy spends too much time at the Salon of Borg Beauty. 2. The second in command supreme one OXNARDUS received via e-mail one congratulatory greeting card for being the official org of the Month. That unit's titles include: Welcome Wagon, armchair musicologist, the Big Book of Borg and Little Book of Borg record keeper, editor in chief of RIF, armchair psychologist, and many others. 3. Votes are now being taken for June's Borg of the Month. All units may vote via e-mail to FMDD39B, or post it on a Borg Board. Please include all titles the nominated units are known by. This shall be treated much like Baskin Robbins's Flavor of the Month as it is eagerly anticipated by all. Please see that all units do NOT erase e-mail entitled GREETING CARD as it may be the official Borg of the Month greeting, and not one of those annoying *P advertisements. 4. It would seem that the wily PRESTON BORG has made a return. Recognition is therefore due to all the fellow Borg units whose wit and wisdom and customary joke telling have continued to torment the bad Borg and his allies. We salute we all. SALUTE!!! 5. Recognition and appreciation goes out to WIGGALUS OF BORG for the on-going struggle to make peace between all races and between the Arts Club members and those of The Club ST Boards. Clap... clap...clap. 6. A unit, who shall remain unmentioned (they know who they are), was caught sneaking junk food from the Borg and taking it to the Star Trek Hangout. No ticket was issued and subject was let go with an official Junk Food violation warning. Remember, all units, the Borg Secret Police eyes are EVERYWHERE! (Insert maniacal laughter). --Tricius of Borg ============= BORG AG NOTES ============= WE NOTE WITH SADNESS THAT NOT ALL OF THE NEWLY ASSIMILATED BORG ARE SATISFIED WITH, NOR HAVE A TASTE FOR, BORG RASHERS AND OTHER PORKOIDS, AND INDEED INGESTION OF SUCH MEATS IS FORBIDDEN BY ANCIENT TRADITION IN SOME BORG SOURCE GROUPS. WHILE THE BORG FARM ON KLING IS INTENDED PRIMARILY FOR RECREATION, IF MARIE ANTOINETTE COULD HANG WITH THE BOSSIES THEN WHO ARE WE TO REMAIN ALOOF? COWS HAVE THE IMMEDIATE ADVANTAGE OVER CONQUERED SPECIES THAT THEY NEED NO IMPLANTS TO BE SUCCESSFULLY ASSIMILATED; AS HERD ANIMALS THEY REACT AS ONE, ALTHOUGH THAT ONE IS NOT INTELLIGENT: THE COW COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS VARIES ONLY IN THE DEGREE OF STUPIDITY, FROM MERE TO ABYSMAL. CATTLE ALSO HAVE SEVERAL ADVANTAGES AS FOOD ANIMALS. THEY ARE MUCH LARGER THAN ANY BIPED, SMELL BETTER THAN PORKOIDS, HAVE THINNER SKIN AND LESS HAIR THAN KLINGONS, AND ARE SMARTER AND LESS PERVERSE THAN FERENGI. CATTLE COME IN SEVERAL COLOR SCHEMES AND FOUR SUBGROUPS. ADULT FEMALE CATTLE HAVE THE SAME MOTIVATIONAL STRUCTURE AS THE HORTA, WITH GREATER MOBILITY AND LESS INTELLIGENCE. SUBADULTS OF BOTH SEXES HAVE THE USUAL QUALITIES OF ALL SUB ADULTS: MESSY, UNREASONABLE, AND CUTE, SOMETIMES OFFENSIVELY SO. ADULT MALES ARE EST THOUGHT OF AS NONVERBAL KLINGONS, AS THEY HAVE THE SAME RIDICULOUS SENSE OF HONOR, BUT THEY ARE MUCH MORE ORNAMENTAL. NEUTERS EXIST TO EAT AND BE EATEN, AND AS SUCH ARE THE BORGS FAVORED TYPE, BUT THEY DO PRODIGY(R). --Olympius of Borg =========== BORG FILLER =========== NOW LISTEN TO A STORY 'BOUT A GENERAL BORG WHOSE POSTINGS LEFT US A LITTLE MORE THAN BORED AND THEN ONE DAY HE WAS LOOKIN' FOR A FEUD AND GOT TRUE BORG IN A FIGHTIN' MOOD MAD, THAT IS TELLIN' JOKES, SINGIN' SONGS NOW NEXT THING YOU KNOW OL' PRESSED-ON'S FEELIN' BAD WISHIN' THAT A PIZZA'S WHAT HE HAD BUT US TRUE BORG HAVE GOT A WAY WITH WORDS AND OUT WENT THE GENERAL WITH HIS BAND OF T*RDS FOLLOWERS, THAT IS BAD BORGS, RICHIE TOO NOW US TRUE BORGS ARE ALWAYS GONNA WIN AND KEEP THOSE BAD GUYS OUTSIDE LOOKIN' IN UNTIL ONE DAY EVERYONE WILL WANT TO BE A PARTY LOVIN' BORG JUST LIKE YOU AND ME WE, THAT IS COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS, ASSIMILATED TOO GENERAL HILLBILLIES, YA HOO! --- TRICIUS OF BORG\BETAZED, S.A. OF THE BORG SECRET POLICE, Cheerleader for the true borg, Drinkin' black gold, Texas tea MORE BORG FILLER ---------------- BORGA SUMUS. RESISTERE FUTILIS EST. ADSIMULABERIS. ---Abremus of Borg ST-FERENGI ATTACK: ___ * * | | * * **** * * |___|__*-----------------------*- * * ** * ___|/ **** | ZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPP!! ********** / \ ** * * ---Ex-Laxius of Borg (retired), Peter Cap TBGW70C ================ BORG FILMOGRAPHY ================ "I Borg" Original airdate: 05/10/92. Written by Rene Echevarria. Directed by Robert Liederman. Guests: Jonathan Del Arco (Hugh), Whoopi Goldberg (Guinan). PLOT: Dr. Crusher finds a teenaged sole survivor (third of five) in a crashed five-man Borg scout ship and convinces Picard to beam the Borg up for medical care. While repair- ing the Borg, Picard concocts a scheme which would have the Borg carry a deadly computer virus back to the Borg con- sciousness. Meanwhile, Geordi and Beverly befriend the borg and give him the name "Hugh". Hugh learns the rudimentary beginnings of self-consciousness and Picard decides not to send the deadly virus through Hugh, but instead, uses the Borg's realization of self as the "virus" to infect the Borg. ================= EDITORIAL NOTICES ================= The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local areas. ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992, 1993 by RIF BBS ============================ BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE ============================ Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue you desire. All back issues are available! ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= Abremus of Borg (KDRB46B) CHATSWORTHUS (BFSF75A) CLUELESS OF BORG (PSPH17A) Ex-Laxius of Borg (TBGW70C) Falcon Parakeetus (HJVF56B) Fraclictus of Borg (FBJF52A) Hammerus of Borg (DVNH74A) Hartius of Borg (XCPB76A) HoD K'Ech (XJRB61B) KHELLIUS OF BORG (BMXW82D) LAS LARIUS OF BORG (VTKR18D) Lord Kaar (TSKV42B) MAN OF BORG (KKJF30A) Manginius of Borg (DSTM96A) MARIANUS OF BORG (NRCR88A) Markus (HDKT49A) Olympius of Borg (DPNV14B) Oxnardus of Borg (HCMH17A) PDQ (Q) (BBNS70B) AMBASSADOR RANDICUS OF STC (RMGB46C) Shadowfax of Borg (TMFD87C) SUPERMAN (Q) ()VSFK15A SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS (GMDH77A) SWANNOX OF BORG (JSWP12A) TONYCIUS OF BORG (DVVC86A) TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA (FMDD39B) WEEBLE (tribble) (NRBK70B) WIGGALUS OF BORG (DVFM22B) RESISTANCE IS FUTILE Reprint Issue for Downloading [The following newsletter is a special reprint created especially for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the refernces are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]