_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** P.O. Box 7822 Oxnard, CA 93031 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 3 July 1992 RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. ========= CONTENTS ========= Salutations Messages from the Big Cahuna: Pizzas Borg University Abstracts: "On the Effects of Individuality" Involuntary Assimilation Tips: ##4030, 4031, 4032 Advertisement: The Borg Juicer Borg Cooking Corner: Riker's Favorite High Cal Worm Mix Advertisement: Swannox of Borg in 1992! Q Paradox Q Know Who: "Is resistance futile--I don't think so" Borg Sing-A-Long: It's a BORG World Ballad of Locutus A Borg's Day's Night Advertisement: Borg's Big Bistro Borg Tales, Part 3: "The Assimilation Blues" Borg: The World Destroyers Deep Thoughts Joke Time Borg University Course Curriculum Advertisement: Sy Borg's Kosher Deli and Pizza Restaurant Editorial: Where the @#%^! Is Novellus? Editor Notices Copyright Notices Back issues of RIF available Addresses of contributors =========== SALUTATIONS =========== THIS IS PROFESSOR GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG, Ph.D, ETC. WE (MEANING THE BORG) ARE PROUD TO PRESENT THE SPECIAL 'DIRECT FROM CENTRAL PROCESSING' EDITION. AS USUAL, THE GOOD WORK OF OXNARDUS AND CO. IS PRESENT, BUT IN ADDITION WE HAVE SOME SPECIAL FEATURES FOR YOU. SBN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GUEST EDITOR, BUT HE SEEMS TO BE ON VACATION. PROBABLY HE IS LATE PAYING HIS PRODIGY BILL AGAIN. NEVERTHELESS, THERE IS MUCH INPUT FROM HIM IN THIS ISSUE, SO ENJOY... ============================ MESSAGES FROM THE BIG CAHUNA ============================ [Each issue endeavors to present postings from the Supreme Borg Novellus. For this issue we have chosen a very important thesis on pizzas. --eds.] Pizzas ------ THE BORG HAVE ALWAYS APPRECIATED CHICAGO STYLE PAN PIZZA. IN FACT, BORG PIZZA WAS CREATED WHEN THE THOUGHT OF A GENO'S LARGE PIE WAS EXTRACTED FROM THE YET UNASSIMILATED JASON PERLOW AND DOWNLOADED TO THE PREVIOUS SUPREME BORG. THE THOUGHT OF SUCH A HEARTBURN INDUCING CONSUMABLE OVERLOADED THE SUPREME BORG'S CIRCUITS AND JASON PERLOW TOOK HIS PLACE AND BECAME NOVELLUS. THE REST OF COURSE, IS HISTORY. THE GENO'S LARGE PIE IS CONSIDERED TO BE A KEY VARIABLE IN MODERN BORG EVOLUTION DUE TO THIS INCIDENT. FURTHER EVOLUTION OF THE GENO'S PIZZA WAS DEVELOPED BY COMBINING CHOCOLATE WITH THE PIZZA. THIS HAPPENED QUITE BY ACCIDENT, IN FACT. THE STORY GOES A CERTAIN BORG UNIT WAS EATING A SYNTHESIZED STANDARD ISSUE LARGE GENO'S PIE, WHEN ANOTHER BORG CLUMSILY CAME ALONG, WHO WAS EATING A HERSHEY BAR, AND DROPPED THE HERSHEY BAR INTO HIS PIE. "HEY! YOU PUT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY PIZZA!" THE PIZZA BORG SCOWLED. THE BORG, WHO WAS LOW ON ENERGY, DECIDED TO EAT THE CHOCOLATE PIZZA ANYWAY. "WOW!" HE EXCLAIMED, "TWO GREAT TASTES IN ONE!" THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF DATA INTERCHANGE THROUGH THE BORG COLLECTIVE, WE IMMEDIATELY REALIZED THE SHEER IMPORTANCE OF WHAT HAD BEEN DISCOVERED. WE ARE NOW THE UNCONTESTED MASTER PIZZA BAKERS AND CONSUMERS IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. THERE WAS FURTHER DEVELOPMENT IN PIZZA TECHNOLOGY, THROUGH THE INGENIOUSNESS OF SUBCOMMANDER OXNARDUS, WHO DISCOVERED THAT BORG BASHERS COULD BE USED AS A VERY TASTY TOPPING. BUT THAT IS HER STORY. ---SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS ============================================================ BORG UNIVERSITY ABSTRACTS: "ON THE EFFECTS OF INDIVIDUALITY" ============================================================ ABSTRACT: ON THE EFFECTS OF THE "INDIVIDUALITY" ISSUE RAISED BY THE EVENTS CHRONICLED BY THE STARFLEET PROPAGANDA MACHINE "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION" UPON THE BORG POPULATION AS THE MEMBERS OF THE BORG COLLECTIVE NO DOUBT KNOW, THE 2-D BROADCAST ENTITLED "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION" IS A FICTIONALIZED ACCOUNT OF REAL STARFLEET LOGS, ALTERED TO SHOW THE BORG IN A BAD LIGHT. HOWEVER, IN THE INTEREST OF BORG UNITY AND SCHOLASTIC INTEGRITY, I (REMEMBER, THIS UNIT ONLY USES THE PERSONAL PRONOUN "I" BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN ARTIFICIALLY SEPARATED FROM THE BORG COLLECTIVE TO SPY UPON THE OUTSIDE WORLD) WILL CLARIFY SOME OF THE MISCONCEPTIONS RECENTLY PURVEYED BY THIS BROADCAST. FIRST OF ALL, NO SUCH UNIT AS "THREE OF FIVE" OR "HUGH" HAS EVER EXISTED. AS ALL BORG NO DOUBT KNOW, BORG ASSUME REAL IDENTIFIERS, NOT NUMBERS OR MISSPELLED PRONOUNS. SECOND, WITH RARE EXCEPTIONS (ONES SUCH AS MYSELF WHO ARE MECHANICALLY DISTANCED ON PURPOSE -- AND HAVE SUPREMELY STRINGENT LOYALTY CIRCUITS BUILT IN TO PREVENT ACTIONS AGAINST THE COLLEC- TIVE) THE BORG HAVE, NOR DO THEY NEED TO BE "GIVEN" INDIVIDUALITY. FRANKLY, WHAT IS PAINFULLY OBVIOUS TO US, AND NOT TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD, IS THAT WE ALREADY HAVE INDIVIDUALITY. JUST BECAUSE THE NORMAL BORG DOES NOT USE PERSONAL PRONOUNS (FOR REASONS OF BORG COURTESY, OF COURSE) IT DOES NOT MEAN HE/SHE/IT DOES NOT HAVE INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT PROCESSES. ONLY ONES SUCH AS I, WHO ARE CURSED AND BLESSED OF FORCED NORMAL PRONOUN USE ON OUTSIDE MISSIONS, HAVE TO SUFFER FROM "EXCESSIVE" INDIVIDUAL- ITY--THE REST OF THE BORG HAVE THE CHOICE TO BE INDIVIDUAL BY MERIT OF THEIR DEEDS AND WORDS AND NOT BY THEIR PRONOUN USE. YOU SEE, THAT IS THE TRUE BASIS FOR THE TABOO UPON PRONOUN USE. BORGS ARE, BY NATURE, INDIVIDUALS OF EXTRAORDINARY TALENTS WHO CHOOSE TO MASS TOGETHER COLLECTIVELY MERELY TO EMPHASIZE THEIR OWN INDIVIDUALITY. BUT THIS MUST BE DONE THROUGH THE POWER OF THEIR INSIGHTFULLNESS, OR PERHAPS THE SHARPNESS OF THEIR WIT. THE USE OF PRONOUNS WOULD GET IN THE WAY OF THE TRUE PROOF OF THEIR INDIVIDUALITY. FOR MOST BORG THIS IS ENOUGH. ---SUFFERING UNDER THE USE OF PRONOUNS, PROF. GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG, PHD, ETC. ETC. ETC. ================================================= INVOLUNTARY ASSIMILATION TIPS: ##4030, 4031, 4032 ================================================= #4030 ----- REMEMBER THE FOLLOWING WHEN PERFORMING FIELD IMPLANTS ON CAPTURED ENEMIES: THOSE KNIVES CAN CUT BOTH WAYS!! ALWAYS BE MINDFUL OF THE FACT THAT WE BORG ARE PARTLY BIOLOGICAL, AND WHAT SEEMED ONLY TO BE AN UNSIGHTLY CUT CAN TURN INTO A NASTY INFECTION! HAPPY HUNTING!! #4031 ----- WHEN CAPTURING AN UNWILLING ASSIMILEE (YES, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL 'EM) ALWAYS BE CAREFUL TO CLEAN YOUR ANTENNA AND OPTICS THOROUGHLY AFTERWARDS. A BLOOD-MISTED VIEWSCREEN, OR A FLESH- CAKED SIGNAL BOOSTER IS ALWAYS BAD NEWS. #4032 ----- WHEN IMPLANTING A VIEW ENHANCEMENT DEVICE IN THE FIELD, MAKE SURE YOU SEVER THE OPTIC NERVE OF YOUR CAPTIVE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO REMOVE THE ORIGINAL ORGANIC VIEWING DEVICES. HOWEVER WHEN IMPLANTING VIEW RECORDING DEVICES THE ORIGINAL OPTIC EQUIPMENT SHOULD BE LEFT UNALTERED. REMEMBER, WHENEVER VIDEO OR AUDIO ENHANCEMENT AND RECORDING DEVICES ARE IMPLANTS PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT CAPTIVES ARE FIRST RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS. SCREAMING AND THRASHING MAY INTERFERE WITH THE PROGRESS OF THE IMPLANTATION. ALSO, WHEN INSTALLING LATERAL IMPLANTS, PLEASE INSPECT THE ALIMENTARY CANAL FOR BLOCKAGES. PLEASE REMOVE ANY OFFENDING MATERIAL IN A SANITARY MANNER, AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION. ============= ADVERTISEMENT ============= THE BORG JUICER IS A MIRACLE DEVICE. YOU PUT IN THE FERENGI ON YOUR CHOICE (OR ANY OTHER DISGUSTING RACE) AND OUT COMES A WONDERFULLY HEALTHY, VITAMIN PACKED DRINK. IT IS SURE TO GIVE YOU THAT JUMP YOU NEED. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL, YOU ALSO GET, AT NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE, THE BORG KNIFE. IT SLICES, DICES, EVEN CUTS THROUGH A TIN CAN. DON'T ORDER YET, YOU ALSO GET THE INTRODUCTORY EXCLUSIVE FAUX PHONE WITH YOUR ORDER! AMAZE YOUR FRIENDS! IT WILL SEEM TO THEM THAT YOU ARE EVER SO POPULAR BE- CAUSE THIS PHONE NEVER STOPS RINGING! ORDER NOW! YES! SEND ME THE BORG JUICER RISK FREE. ---MARIANUS OF RONCO ======================================================= BORG COOKING CORNER: RIKER'S FAVORITE HIGH CAL WORM MIX ======================================================= (exciting culinary experiments which can be tried at home!) Recipe: RIKERS FAVORITE HIGH CAL WORM MIX. ----------------------------------------- 1 PACKAGE OF JELLO CHOCOLATE PUDDING 1/2 PACKAGE OF OREO COOKIES 1 PACKAGE OF GUMMY WORMS. MAKE PUDDING,CRUMBLE COOKIES IN FOOD PROCESSING UNIT OR WITH HEAVY SKILLET. SERVE WITH COOKIE CRUMBS OVER PUDDING AND WORMS PARTLY STICKING OUT OF CRUMBS. SERVING SUGGESTIONS. CLEAN FLOWERPOTS, WITH SIZED TO FIT STYROFOAM CUP INSIDE. RIKER REPORTS THIS IS ALMOST AS GOOD AS THE REAL THING. THERE IS NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE IN AUTONOMOUS BIOLOGICAL UNITS. ---GALAHADUS OF BORG. THE BORGAL GOURMET. ============= ADVERTISEMENT ============= Swannox of Borg in 1992! ------------------------ "A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE YOU CAN REPROGRAM" "A CANDIDATE WHO HAS YOU ON HIS MIND" "FREE PIZZA AT THE BISTRO" "A PIZZA IN EVERY CUBE" "THE THOUSAND RED FLASHING POINTS OF LIGHTS CANDIDATE" ========= Q PARADOX ========= The Q "continuum" does not exist. And I'm not talking about this reality known as '20th-century Earth', either. To wit: According to the principles of modern- day astrophysics, a continuum is a continuous whole, quantity, or series; in other words, something whose parts cannot be separated or separately discerned (hence the term "space-time continuum"). It follows ,then, that the Q continuum SHOULD be a quantity of beings which others (or even the Q themselves) cannot separate into separate beings or groups of beings. However, it just ain't so. There was an episode of TNG (sorry, can't remember the name) in which the character played by John De Lancie was thrown out of the Q continuum (for basically being a jerk, if I remember correctly). [episode was #61, called "Deja Q", third season--eds.] He subsequently was turned into a human and sought refuge aboard the Enterprise and was attacked by the Calamarian (probably not spelled right). Data risks his life to rescue the now ex-Q, and to prevent the Enterprise from being destroyed, he left on a shuttle in order to sacrifice himself. Enter a member of the Q (played by Corben Bernsen). De Lancie: Q! I always knew you were in my corner! Bernsen: Actually, I'm the one that got you thrown out. De Lancie's character was IGNORANT of that fact. He did not know that Bernsen's character had been following him, watching him. This would not be possible if the Q were truly a continuum. So much for being all- knowing! Also, our friends of the Q (race?) on this board have separate designations (SupeQ, PDQ, Lady J of Q, etc). According to TNG, this does not happen (considering the alternative, however, I can understand why. Can you imagine a conversation between two Q? "Hi, Q, how's it going?" "Fine, Q, how's Q doing?" "Did you hear what happened to Q? He/she was talking to Q and...".Ugh.) To clear up one final matter: I am not a Q basher. Nor am I a Borg basher. Nor am I a Borg Basher basher, or any other kind of basher (except maybe politicians, the creepy kind.) Actually, the only things I really, REALLY care about are pizza, chocolate, Mountain Dew, and playing putt- putt golf in the rain. ---M (trying to assimilate, but having trouble with a witty, snappy signoff)[eds. note--"M" eventually assimilated as the Unknown Borg]. ========== Q KNOW WHO ========== [This is a semi-regular column from the "Q" Continuum--eds.] Topic: "Is resistance futile--I don't think so" ----------------------------------------------- This has been proven century after century, millennium after millennium and continuum after continuum. Look at the history of America, Earth. there is a full orchestra in the back ground playing the Star Spangled Banner. If they did not resist the English there may have never been an America. If they never resisted the violent acts of Hitler in WW II we may not be here able to talk about it! If the American teens did not resist drugs and being a part of something big or a "collective" a.k.a gang the federation may have never been developed because all the founders would be drug headed gang bangers. Plus if we were all willing to dress in tacky aluminum foil none of us would have any taste for fashion or change we would be a stagnant society! And you can not dispute what I say for I am the all knowing Q and you are nothing but a petunia biting ku-chung kissing hunk of mushy metallic mess with an attitude problem and I'm here to fix it! --Superman/Q ================ Borg Sing-A-Long ================ It's a BORG World ----------------- It's a world of cubes and a world of pipes, A world of conduits and power stripes. There's so much that we share We can't be self-aware It's a BORG world after all. (repeat) ---Victor of BORG Ballad of Locutus ----------------- IT WAS ANOTHER AVERAGE BUSY BUSTLING BORG DAY NOVELLUS WAS PICKIN' RECRUITS AND OXNARDUS WAS SAYIN' "HEY". WE WE'RE JUST A BORED BORG OUT LOOKIN' FOR SOME FUN WHEN WE RAN RIGHT INTO THAT NASTY FEDERATION NOW THE CUBE WAS HITTIN' NIGH ON WARP 16 WHEN THE ENTERPRISE DECIDED TO MAKE THE SCENE SOMEBODY NAMED "PICK-HARD" TOLD US TO GO AWAY BUT US PARTY LOVIN' BORG DECIDED THAT WE WOULD STAY JUST WHEN THINGS WERE GOIN' GOOD THEY VANISHED IN A FLASH AND THERE WE WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO A GREAT BIG BASH IT WAS SOME TIME LATER WHEN WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM AGAIN BUT THIS TIME WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD INVITE HIM IN WELL LOCUTUS DIDN'T HANG AROUND FOR LONG JUST A HELLO, GOODBYE, AND THEN THAT GUY WAS GONE WE HEAR HE SPENDS A LOT OF TIME STARIN' OFF INTO SPACE AND WE WONDER IF HE'S THINKING ABOUT THIS PARTY PLACE NOW SOME TIME HAS COME AND GONE SINCE WE HEARD THE NEWS ABOUT LOCUTUS. EXCEPT FOR WHAT LITTLE STUFF HUGH HAD TO TELL US AND WE, WE SPEND A LOT OF TIME UP ON CUBE NUMBER FIVE A WORKIN' FOR THE SECRET POLICE AND PUTTIN' OUT SOME JIVE ---Tricius of Borg ==================== A BORG'S DAY'S NIGHT ==================== It was a hot, sultry evening in the Cube when the call came in. One malfunctioning Borg was tormenting the proprietors of a small Jiffy Cube outlet, brandishing a pocket phaser and shouting something about pizza withdrawals. Muffy the killer Borgapoo had his fur up in curlers, but still seemed to maintain that vicious Standard Poodle look. No unit messed with Muffy. However, the malfunctioning unit broke out in laughter spasms when Muffy walked in Mini-Jiffy Cube. "Can it, buster!" I said. "Muffy don't like comedians." "Mu...mu...mmm...," said the unit, obviously trying to speak through the giggle attacks. Poor soul, I thought, it's going to blow a fuse. But i was relieved, because for a moment I thought it was going to say "Spoo!". If that had happened it would have meant a time loop and the ensuing extra paperwork back at Headquarters would have been a crime in itself. The proprietors of the establishment were maintaining a low stress level, despite their predicament. They were Imelda Marcus and Johnny Coercions, the latter a retired talk show host from Earth and the other a show collector. For fear that Coercions would break into an unending monologue, we chose Marcus. "The facts, Ma'am. Just the fact," I said. Marcus then told us that said perpetrator had walked in demanding a pizza with everything on it. When Marcus then handed it the portly pizza, it began screaming that It wanted EVERYTHING on it. The ensuing chaos was caused when It began grabbing boxes of Hostess Ding Dongs and bags of Doritos and Pressing them on the pizza. "Well," I said, turning to the malfunctioning unit, "we're afraid that we are going to have to take you in." And, yes, the unit known as "Pressed-on Borg turned over the phaser and surrendered to our custody with only a little whining. As we were leaving Mini-Jiffy, Pressed-on asked us if our dog bites. "No," I said. Pressed-on then proceeded to pet Muffy, who promptly bit him in the implants. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" Pressed-on screamed. "It's not our dog," I replied. "Muffy belongs to no one." Ah, another case solved. Unfortunately Pressed-on got out on a technicality and continues to rant and rave occasionally on the Borg Boards. He is sometimes known as "Preston Borg", but we all know who he really is. We would like to thank Supreme Borg Novellus for allowing us to use the personal pronoun "I" in our report. ---Tricius of Borg\Betazed, Supreme Administrator of the Borg Secret Police, reporting for duty, Sir! Oh, and the Muffy thing, too!. Over and out. ============= ADVERTISEMENT ============= Borg's Big Bistro [not to be confused with the Borg Bistro or Q Bistro] is proud to present our breakfast. lunch and dinner menu for the Borg on the Go... Breakfast: --------- Worf "Merry Man" Waffles. Metamorph Muffins. Egg-similation Sandwich. Pakled Pancakes--Things That Make You Go. Klingon Krispies. Fruity Time loops. Federation Flakes. Q Croissants. Lunch: Betazoid Burger. Ferengi Fries. And Our Full Line of Soft Drinks [due to adverse effects to Borgs, we no longer offer Jolt Cola or Squirt]: Dr. Crusher, Q Juice, Assimilation Soda, and Sparkling Ensign Water. Dinner & Dessert: ---------------- Our Most Impressive Menu: Klingon Kabob. Work Wafers. Chocolate Pizza Surprise. Ferengi Fajitas. Bar-B-Q-Q. Cube Steak. Horta Hocks. Captain Casserole. Federation Filets. Ferengi Fettuccine Daimon Alfredo. Picard Pilaf. Troi Intentional Tortes. Pirate in a Pocket. Borg Rasher Pizza, and Many Others. Don't forget a Borgy Meal for the little Ones. Includes two small menu choices, soft or hard drink and a free pressed-on borg decal. Your Hostess-Tricius of Borg/Betazed. Operator of Borg's Big Bistro 1-800-EAT-M-ALL and the Culinary Cube 1-800-CUBE-US-1. ---TRICIUS ========== BORG TALES ========== A Serial Part 3 "The Assimilation Blues" ------------------------ As the Beta Queen docked in a cavernous recess of the giant cubular structure, large mechanical protracted arms attached themselves to the outer hull. The jolt was deafening and in great contrast to the gentle tractor beam that had pulled me into the "Jiffy Cube" facility. I could hear whoever was outside opening the airlock. There was nothing I could do. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Just me, trapped, in a tin can known as a Yugo Spacecruiser LX. This was it. After all those years of space hi-jinks and brushes with the various galactic authorities, this was how I was about to meet my end. Rogue Borgs. Sucked out of space in my prime into a Jiffy Cube. If these were my last few minutes, I decided to grab all the gusto I could. Attempting to live my statistical final seventy years in five minutes, I went to my computer terminal and began to punch in my last request. Before I could begin the delicate task of expressing my last will and testament, text began to output at a furious pace on the screen. I read the text as it flashed ny. It was that darn voluntary assimilation contract that I had been earlier left by a borg. This screen version, however, ended with the instruction, "Exiting this screen has the same full force and effect as signing a document." I was between a rock and a hard place. I had to exit to interface with the computer. These rogue borg were especially insidious. I heard the borg breach the airlock. I had literally only seconds before being sucked into the borg wayward consciousness. A pizza had materialized on the navigation console earlier. I had ignored it, having other pressing matters at hand. I thought, what the hey. I had not eaten for several issues. In my last few precious seconds as an independent sentient critter capable of expressing personal pronouns, I sank my teeth into a piping-hot deep dish pizza. AGGGGH. I spat out the bite. What is wrong with this pizza?!? I inspected it. There was the tell- tale signs of massive amounts of chocolate underneath the veggies, sauce, and cheeses. What kind of fiends would put chocolate on a pizza??? That profound musing was the last thought I ever had. Next issue: Part 4 "We Are Okay" ========================== BORG: THE WORLD DESTROYERS ========================== The galaxious expanse of Cube# XCR0023122 came to a stationary orbit around the technologically developed fourth planet of the system cataloged as LDGRE1A, locally known as Unis. Its inhabitants, the Unisians, were a peace-loving race of dark blue skinned tri-peds. When the first of the aliens came, they looked at them with utter amazement. These aliens, bi-pedal with light, almost white skin interlaced with varying dark mechanical implants called themselves "THE BORG". They spoke strangely and uttered weird phrases such as "YOUR PRIMITIVE TECHNOLOGY SHALL BE ASSIMILATED", and "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE". Their stationary electronic word-papers put the newcomers' words at the top of the screen prompt, and was generally ridiculed. It seemed all a joke, these aliens, they seemed to walk freely, not bothering anyone, until one of the most beloved officials of the world, Lord Lugnar Hiis was found to be missing. Then all hell began to break loose. Unisians were coming up missing left and right, all over the world. Civilians were reporting that these "BORGS" were appearing in large numbers, usually at locations of technological import, touching Unisians and then, as suddenly as they appeared, disappearing, along with their hostage. Then suddenly, tractor beams began engaging. Whole areas of technological development were being literally ripped from the planet, and pulled into space. There were craters being formed and from a high orbit, homeview satellites were beaming the destruction all over the world. The world governments made several attempts to contact the aliens, seemingly all in vain until the BORG sent a visual message to the head of the Unisian Relevant Intelligence Section the central liaison to the Emperor, Lord Vunlar Useap. The image Vunlar saw was that of his old friend, Lugnar Hiis, but somehow defaced with the same reported mechanical devices reportedly used by the BORG. Vunlar, an intelligent Unis, immediately saw the purpose of this visage, but declined to act ask if he were on to something. [we assume, to be continued--eds.] ---Fraclicutus of Borg ============= DEEP THOUGHTS ============= [This is a compilation of deep thoughts contributed to the Borg BB April-May 1992--eds.) FOR THE BENEFIT OF ALL WE CHOSE THIS AS A MEDIUM TO EXPRESS HUMOROUS AND SERIOUS THOUGHTS TO PONDER. WE MAY USE QUOTES OR MAKE UP ONES OF OUR OWN. HERE IS MY CONTRIBUTION: "COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS BRINGS NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE 'PARTY LINE'." THIS IS AN ATTEMPT TO BRING THE INTELLECTUAL OUT. FOR THIS UNIT, WE FIND IT ENJOYABLE TO READ SOMETHING THAT MAKES US STARE AT THE SCREEN WITH OUR MOUTHS HANGING OPEN. SO WE SHALL USE THIS AS A SCHOOL OF BRAIN EXERCISES. THE PHRASES MAY BE BORG OR NON BORG RELATED. THEY MAY BE SHALLOW LIKE THE ONE WE JUST POSTED, OR DEEP AND THOUGHT PROVOKING. TELL US WHAT YOU THINK, AND POST YOUR BEST SHOT. IF IT'S NOT YOUR BEST SHOT, POST IT ANYWAY. ---Tricius of Borg, the professor Borgus school of thought Always remember, and never forget, that wherever you go, there you are. ---Mr Wizvogonard [pre-assimilation Chatsworthus--eds.] WE NEED ANOTHER TIMMY!!!!! ---also Mr Wizvogonard [also pre-assimilation Chatsworthus--eds.] "GIVE ME PIZZA, OR GIVE ME DEATH!" ---Marianus of Borg "We desire most what we ought not to have." (Publilius Syrus 1st Century B.C.) Hey, with a name like that he could've been Borg! ---Tricius of Borg To thine own self, be true. ---Chatsworthus of Borg PREJUDICE IS AN UGLY THING THAT IS IN US ALL AND ONLY WE AS INDIVIDUAL CAN DECIDE TO EXTERMINATE IT. NO MATTER HOW MANY LAWS ARE CREATED WE MUST BE ABLE TREAT EACH OTHER AS EQUALS AND ABIDE BY THESE LAWS. IF NOT WE ARE SURE TO SELF-DESTRUCT AS A COUNTRY AND AS A WORLD.....UNITED WE STAND DIVIDED WE FALL ---Superman/Q "Aroint thee, witch!" the rump-fed runnion cries... William Shakespeare MacBeth, 1.3.6 And who said Shakespeare is not fun???? ---Oxnardus MMMMM, DONUTS. --HOMER J. SIMPSON I LIKE THE PINK ONES. ---ANTHRAXUS, Of The Borg Pasteurization Council A BORG HEAD IS SO FULL OF LEAD WE SHOULD USE THEM AS A PENCIL INSTEAD! ---Q-BALL SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS RECEIVED THIS COMMUNICATION FROM A MYSTERIOUS SOURCE ON THE PLANET TERRA. MESSAGE FOLLOWS. "Sometimes when I sit and stare at my computer, I start to wonder If it racks up 10 hour Compuserve sessions after I go to sleep. Then, as I stare at my screen-saver, I wonder what my screen is being saved from." --- Supreme Borg Novellus .....It's a turf war, on a global scale I'd rather hear both sides of the tale It's not about races, just places, faces where your blood comes from is where your space is.... Michael Jackson Black or White DANGEROUS "Respect is what we owe; Love, what we give." Philip James Bailey (1816-1902) "How incredible it is that in this fragile existence we should hate and destroy one another. There are possibilities enough for all who will abandon mastery over others to pursue mastery over nature. There is world enough for all to seek their happiness in their own way." Lyndon B. Johnson (1908-1973) Inaugural address January 1965 "A mother's plea" To not see the color of ones race to only accept and embrace There is world enough for each other To love my sister, my brother Ignorance breeds the beast called war That roars each day outside our door The death, the anger, a mother's tears The flowered graves, the lonely years Be this not a honorable war But one of disgrace, and gang-fed lore The time will come, I do pray When all this injustice will fade away What kind of life do our children face If we adults do not embrace? To all mankind, hear this mothers plea It is time for peace, between you and me...... ---Tricius "Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant taste of death but once. of all these things I yet have heard I find this one most ridiculous." Julius Caesar- Act 1 Scene? Line 27-29 ---Wiggalus of borg SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS RECEIVED YET A SECOND UNIDENTIFIED MESSAGE FROM TERRA. "You know, it would kind of make a lot of sense if we beat cows to death, because this way, when we got our steaks in the supermarket, they would already be tenderized." ---Supreme Borg Novellus WHY DO THEY CALL IT A LUNCH HOUR IF YOU ONLY GET HALF AN HOUR? ---WIGGALUS OF BORG That time before you go to sleep and become most creative and do a lot good thinking, does Bush or anybody in Congress have that phase? No?........................ didn't think so. ---Man of Borg, always in that state WHY ASK WHY DRINK BORG DRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ---SUPERMAN/Q (VSFK15A) YET ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS MESSAGE WAS SENT TO SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS FROM THE PLANET TERRA: Why is it that we drive on a parkway but park in a driveway? Shouldn't it be the other way around? And why is it when you buy a package of hot dogs you get 6 hot dogs, but when you buy a package of hot dog buns you get 8? ---Supreme Borg Novellus Hey, what if cat is really spelled d-o-g......... ---Q-BALL AND, WHAT IF Q WERE REALLY SPELLED P-I-G? ---TRICIUS OF BORG\BETAZED DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THE "NEW MAIL" THING COMES UP ON THE SCREEN, AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE SOME ANNOYING ADVERTISEMENT? ---HARTIUS OF BORG, WITH AN EMPTY MAILBOX To ALL, but especially Tricius: Our filial unit requires that we submit these quotes for collective perusal, but we are doing this UNDER PROTEST! 1. There was, I think, never any reason to believe in any innate superiority of thee male, except in his superior muscle. Bertrand Russell 2. (for Weeble) Think what cowards men would be if they had to bear children. Women are altogether a superior species. George Bernard Shaw 3. Most men do not mature, they simply grow taller. Leo Rosten 4. Men are but children, too, though they have gray hairs; they are only of a larger size. Seneca 5. I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on believing that SOME men are my equals. Brigid Brophy 6. Men are too emotional to vote. Their conduct at baseball games and political conventions shows this, while their innate tendency to appeal to force renders them particularly unfit for the task of government.... Man's place is in the armory. Alice Duer Miller 7. Men are beasts and even beasts do not behave as they do! Brigitte Bardot 8.Unusually low voices; short life expectancies; odd drab costumes; a tendency to sweat, f*rt, and yell. C.E. Crimmins 9. The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. Mme de Stael 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. Mae West --- Chatsworthus of Borg My Mother always said: The only difference between men and boys is the sound of their voice and the cost of their toys. ---Tormin Now the filial unit has left this portion of the cube for a few hours. It's OUR turn! 1. G-d created man, and finding him not sufficiently alone, gave him a companion to make him feel his solitude more keenly. Paul Valery 2. A woman is a creature who is always shopping. Ovid 3. Women are an alien race of pagans set down among us. Every seduction is a conversion. John Updike 4. Women are of two sorts. Some of them are wiser, better learned, discreeter, and more constant than a number of men. But another and a worse sort of them... are fond, foolish, wanton, flibbergibs, feeble, careless, rash, proud, dainty, nice talebearers, eavesdroppers, rumor-raisers, evil tongued worse-minded, and in every way doltified with the dregs of the Devil's dunghill. Bishop John Aylmer 5. Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd, nor hell a fury like a woman scorn'd. William Congreve 6. A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him. Nathaniel Branden 7. With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes. Marlon Brando 8. They're asking women to do impossible things. I don't believe women can carry a pack, live in a foxhole, or go a week without a bath. General Wm Westmoreland 9. I do not believe in using women in combat because females are too fierce. Margaret Meade 10.[lastly] A woman will sometimes forgive the man who tries to seduce her, but NEVER the man who misses an opportunity when offered. Talleyrand 11. [I lied] Blondes have the hottest kisses. Redheads are fair to middling torrid, and brunettes are the frigidest of all. It's something to do with hormones, no doubt. - Ronald Reagan!!!!!! ---Chatsworthus ========= JOKE TIME ========= What did the BORG SUPREME LEADER say when the Federation sent him packing?? I cudda been a container ---Q2 (NNKT68B) ================================= BORG UNIVERSITY COURSE CURRICULUM ================================= The following topics will be offered at the Terran Campus of Borg University. 101.01 -- ASSIMILATION 101. Basic mindwash and introduction to Borg concepts. Core course. 123.01 -- BASIC BIONICS AND CYBERNETIC IMPLANTS. Guest lecturer Lee Majors instructs the class on the proper installation and usage of your implants. Required reading includes: "Cyborg" by Martin Caidin; "I'm No Fall Guy" by the instructor; and "Resistance is Futile: The Technical Manual" by Supreme Borg Novellus. 231.01 -- CUBE DYNAMICS. Construction and maintenance of all cubical spacecraft. Core course. 237.01 -- SPEECH. Proper presentation for a Borg unit when addressing the collective. Includes the "I" lobotomy and the "capital offense" subtopics. 237.02 -- SPEECH. Same as above except all classes conducted at extreme volumes, in a vacuum, and in Esperanto. 242.01 -- VILLAINY AND CONQUERING THE UNIVERSE. Core course dealing with the proper techniques for oppressing the masses, destroying entire races, obliterating planets, extinguishing suns, crushing Star Fleet vessels like tin cans, mocking William Shatner's toupee, stealing candy from babies, and other generally evil behavior. 242.02 -- VILLAINY AND CONQUERING THE UNIVERSE. Due to popular demand we will be running a second section of this course. Professor D. Vader instructs this section. 265.01 -- ALIAS CREATION AND THE IMPACT OF CHOCOLATE PIZZAS UPON THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND OF NEWLY ASSIMILATED UNITS. Discussion of "Just how the h*ll did you think of THAT name?" 301.01 -- HOME ECONOMICS/HOTEL-RESTAURANT MANAGEMENT. Includes basic pizza preparation, information on thermal characteristics of chocolate, and how to start and administer your own White Castle (TM) Hamburger Restaurant. 496.01 -- "ON BEING...JIFFY". A series of lectures on the benefits of being JIFFY. Everyone's being JIFFY these days. Spoo your way to happiness and JIFFY all day long. Fulfills arts and humanities requirements. 496.02 -- "ON BEING...CUBEBUSTED". A series of instructional seminars on how not to get rooked when you walk into a CubeBuster Video (TM) store. Fulfills mathematics requirements. ---Prof. Ghostwriterus of Borg, Founder of Borg University ============= ADVERTISEMENT ============= Come on down to SY BORG'S KOSHER DELI AND PIZZA RESTAURANT!!! At Sy's you will be treated in good old Brooklyn style ("Hey, Snapperhead! Are you gonna order yet?") and be subjected to the finest of Kosher Pizza and Chocolate Pastrami sandwiches. (Yes, we know that eating chocolate with pastrami sounds kind of sick, but just think of our faces when a gentile orders pastrami with mayo. THAT'S CRIMINAL!) ======================================= EDITORIAL: WHERE THE @#%^! IS NOVELLUS? ======================================= A Special Discourse by Professor Ghostwriterus of Borg ------------------------------------------------------ The disappearance of our esteemed leader over the last month has led many to believe foul play has been at work. After many hours of research we have determined it could be due to the following: 1. On vacation with the CEO of EXXON. 2. Preparing to sabotage the 1992 Democratic and Republican conventions with the assistance of the SWANNOX OF BORG '92 campaign. 3. Writing a 15,000 page discourse on "The Nature and Reason for the Irrationality of Fifth Season ST:TNG Staff Writers" on a manual typewriter. 4. "He's fallen and HE CAN'T GET UP!" 5. He is attempting to finish the entire L. Ron Hubbard "Mission Earth" dekalogy in one sitting. 6. Scalping tickets to the Bruce Springsteen/Elton John concert. 7. Caught in a recursive time loop and hasn't sent a message to the future to inform him what to do in order to get out of it. 8. THE VERY WORST POSSIBILITY: Prodigy suspended his account until his balance was paid in full. Novellus must have subscribed to *P on the 10,191 year plan, but didn't realize the subscription had to be paid up front. Of course, there is another possibility. Was OXNARDUS, the esteemed second in command, part of some foul conspiracy to take over the BORG CLUB? Could it be that after interfacing with the Nick at Nite master computer she downloaded every episode of Patty Duke and it ruined her mind, causing her to become psychotic and obsessed with total domination of the universe, and not even Novellus could stand in her way? Clearly her position on the Borg Supreme Court gave her a taste of such awesome power that she was determined to get rid of Novellus once and for all!! SHE'S A D*MN COMMUNIST I TELL YOU!! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT SHE'S EVIL!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHE'S AN ATTORNEY!! THEY ARE ALL A BUNCH OF NO GOOD LITIGATING CROOKS!! HEY, YOU GET AWAY FROM ME!!! WATCH IT WITH THAT STICK OF YOURS!!! AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! ================= EDITORIAL NOTICES ================= The Borg Club is present on commercial national bulletin board services and on many amateur bulletin board networks and local areas. ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of charge. "RIF" also acknowledges the Prodigy Services, General Electric, and NVN copyrights. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in anyway. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1992, 1993 by RIF BBS ============================ BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE ============================ Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue you desire. All back issues are available! ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= ANTHRAXUS (XWFV65D) Chatworthus (BFSF75A) Fraclictus of Borg (FBJF52A) GALAHADUS OF BORG (FBGV45A) PROF. GHOSTWRITERUS OF BORG (GMDH77A) HARTIUS OF BORG (XCPB76A) Man of Borg (KKJF30A) Marianus of Borg (NRCR88A) Q2 (NNKT68B) Q-BALL (NKXF19A) Superman/Q (VXFK15A) SUPREME BORG NOVELLUS (GMDH77A) Tormin Kyril (HJVF56A) TRICIUS OF BORG\BETA (FMDD39B) Unknown Borg (SFVX06A) Victor of BORG (BDGC78A) Wiggalus (DVFM22B) RESISTANCE IS FUTILE Reprint Issue for Downloading [The following newsletter is a special reprint created especially for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]